Gavin: Hello, Lorna. How are you doing today, my dear?
Lorna: Drop dead.
Gavin: It's a class system here at CB High, Stevie Boy. Check it out. [points to the car enthusiast students] There, you've got your motor heads, car jocks, all the world's a gasket and a lube job and a pack of Lucky's. Music of choice: Posi-traction overdrive, classic rock, Skynyrd, The Allmans, Bruce. Drug of choice: Beer, Miller Genuine Draft. Keggers can't be choosers.
UV: Freaks that fix leaks.
Gavin: [points to the nerdy students] Over here you have your microgeeks... nerds, whiz kids and various other bottom feeders. Music of choice: The sound of an Apple PC booting up. Drug of choice: Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time"... and a cup of jasmine tea on a Saturday night.
UV: Freaks that go squeak.
Gavin: [points to the hippie students] Over there you have your skaters. Riffin', raging kids and their ramp tramps. Baggy pants, Dickie wools, doing 50-50 grinds... with a gnarly grab finish on a homemade half-pipe in the woods. Music of choice: The whack of a hacky sack. Drug of choice: Ecstasy, E-tab. Baby, longer lovin' through science.
UV: Freaks in sneaks.
Gavin: Here's where it gets really... nasty. [points to the Blue Ribbons] Lorna runs with that group over there, the Blue Ribbons.
Steve: What's that?
Gavin: Community group. Good kids. Have car washes and bake sales and kiss a lot of adults.
U.V.: Blue Robots.
Gavin: Here, here. Those three guys: Cradle Bay's answer to Manson, McVeigh and O.J. Trent Whalen, Andy Effkin, Robby Stewart.
UV: Hey, I bet you didn't know that toast came in three flavors.
Gavin: Music of choice: the hum of perfection, the buzz of ambition. Drug of choice: life, the pursuit of clean living at the expense of all who sniffle at the hem of their gowns.
UV: Freaks so sheek.
Gavin: The you've got kids like me and UV here, those who like their metal heavy, their Marlboro's light. Music of choice...
Gavin and UV: Harvester of Sorrows, Language of the Mad.
Gavin: Drug of choice: what have you got?
UV: Freaks all week!
Gavin: That's it. Lesson over. Class dismembered. Welcome to Cradle Bay High, Stevie Boy. Welcome to my nightmare.
Steve: Tell me, Shannon, do you get yelled at when you talk about your dead grandfather?
Steve : 'Cause around here, people go crazy if you talk about a dead brother.
Gavin: Rachel, this is Stevie Boy-good man. Stevie Boy, this is Rachel-Cooks Ridge trash.
Rachel: [disgusted] Bite me.
Gavin: Hello Charles, cycle any anabolic goodies lately?
Chug: You're funny, Strick.
Gavin: Thanks, I'm here all week.
Chug: [to Rachel] Anyways Rachel, there's a couple of us guys going to the Yogurt Shoppe later if you wanna come by...
Gavin: The Yogurt Shoppe? Yeah! [to Steve] You wanna make an act of culture joke here, Stevie Boy, or should I handle this one?
Steve: [after seeing Chug in a fight] What was that about?
Rachel: Toxic jock syndrome.
Gavin: No, it is not bullshit, and it wasn't steroids!
Rachel: [annoyed]Here we go...
Rachel: Gavin thinks some sinister force has taken over the Cradle Bay meatheads.
Gavin: No, you know what it is! You know!
Steve: A sinister force?
Rachel: You know, evil. Nowhere to turn, no one to trust, altogether ooky.
Gavin: Mr. Newberry here has got the full-on Boo Radley, village idiot, Quasimoto thing going, don't you Mr. Newb?
Gavin: And he's currently involved in a war against the rodent population of Cradle Bay.
Dickie Atkinson the Mechanic: You had friends in Chicago?
Steve: [awkwardly] Yeah.
Lorna: You can have friends here.
Gavin: Look at this place: the Yogurt Shoppe... the Yogurt "Shop-e". What the fuck is a "Shop-e"?
Randi: Why don't you make like a tree and leave?
Gavin: Clever girl.
Chug: Will you go out with me?
Rachel: [laughs] You're kidding, right? [seriously] No, Chug, I won't.
Chug: WHY NOT?!
Rachel: Just tell me you have a really razor plan?
Steve: I am making this shit up as I go.
Dorian: Evening, Officer!
Officer Cox: What are you doing?
Dorian: Oh, I'm getting rid of rats! The pink-eyed vermin can't see for spit!
[after Steve begs for the family to head back to Chicago, Dr. Caldicott steps inside the Clark house]
Dr. Caldicott: Steven, you are home. Cradle Bay is where you belong, here with your family.
Steve: [realizing he's been betrayed by his mother and father] You signed me up for the program?
Cynthia: We want what's best for you.
Steve: [screaming] What about what I want??!!
Dr. Caldicott: Steven, do you really like the way you feel?
Steve: Oh, shut the fuck up! [to his parents] You sold me out.
Cynthia: No, we didn't! We just want you back!
Nathan: Steven, please...
Steve: [shouting] "Steve!" My name is "Steve", OK?! Nobody calls me "Steven" except for them!
[U.V. isn't sure if Steve Clark is now one of the Blue Ribbons]
U.V.: Hey, man, not so fast! What's the capital of North Dakota?
Steve: How the fuck should I know?
U.V.: All right, you're cool.
Steve: What're you doing?
Dorian: We can't very well let these shitbirds go off and graduate into the world, can we?
Steve: Maybe they can be helped!
Dorian: No, they can't... And neither can I! [shows the gunshot wound to his stomach] Do good things, lunch boy.
Steve: It's over, you son of a bitch. It's finished.
Dr. Caldicott: "Finished"? There'll always be other towns. Other troubled teens. Other troubled parents. Science is God!
[U.V. shoots Gavin to prevent him from shooting Rachel and Steve]
Gavin: [falls to the ground, bleeding] Three times? You had to shoot me three times?
U.V.: [voice breaking] Sorry, man.
Gavin: Wow. I get to say to my twisted family... I guess this diminishes my chances of ever meeting Trent Reznor...Wow, I guess I'm finally coming around...