Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 is an American television sitcom, which originally aired on ABC from April 11, 2012 to January 15, 2013. The series centers on the unlikely friendship between Chloe, an amoral New York City party girl and con artist, and June Colburn, a sweet, innocent girl from Indiana.
- June: Is that a picture of Dawson?
- Chloe: Ah, yeah. James Van Der Beek. The Beek from the Creek. Le Beek c'est chic. [Both laugh] Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren't really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse. [laughs]
- June: Ooh.
- Chloe: Anyway, so yeah, now he's like my gay BFF, but straight. Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?
- Steven: This your roommate?
- June: Oh, oh! Yes. That was so rude of me. How could I forget? Everyone, this is Chloe. She's the bitch in apartment 23.
- Chloe: [holds up a bag of illegal energy pills] Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?
Daddy's Girl... [1.02]
- Chloe: I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface. I'm like a river in winter.
- June: Steven is the only guy that I've... been with.
- Chloe: You mean not counting one-night stands?
- June: N-no.
- Chloe: Blackout sex?
- June: What?
- Chloe: Redheads? Girls?
- June: No!
- Chloe: Look, I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch...
- June: It'd have to be a really big pinch.
Parent Trap... [1.03]
- June: Your plant died.
- Chloe: What plant? I hate plants. I don't have no plant.
- June: Sure you do. You got one about a month ago.
- [Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]
- Chloe: [to a hot salesman] I'm all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.
- [Flashback ends]
- Chloe: Oh, right, Ethan. He was my emergency contact for a month. Well, I don't know how it died. I watered it all the time.
- June: [pulling a dead fish from the plant pot] With water from your goldfish's bowl?
- Chloe: What goldfish? I hate goldfish. I don't have no goldfish.
- [Flashback to Chloe and June at a fair]
- Chloe: [to another hot salesman] I'm all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?
- [Flashback ends]
- Chloe: Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.
- Chloe: [realizing what June said earlier about responsibilities, after reading a script of James'] Sometimes, things don't click until Hollywood really spells them out for you.
The Wedding... [1.04]
- Chloe: [seeing June lying on the floor by the couch] Oh, don't bother. I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch.
- Chloe: [answering phone] Hello?
- Steven: Chloe, it's Steven.
- [Chloe looks confused]
- Steven: June's ex-fiance.
- [Chloe looks confused]
- Steven: You and I had sex on her birthday cake.
- [Chloe looks confused]
- Steven: It was chocolate.
- Chloe: Oh, hey. What's up?
Making Rent... [1.05]
- Luther: Bitch, please. Bitch.
- Chloe: Ugh. Why not?
- Luther: Because in the past four years, you've borrowed... over $20,000 from James. Dinners, shopping sprees. And I'm not even counting James' stunt double you "lost."
- Chloe: Come on, Luther. I need the money.
- Luther: And I needed notes on my play. [Chloe rolls eyes] I gave it to you to read over a year ago. Remember? So, again, my answer is... [imitates Southern accent] The grapes on the vine aren't having it.
- [Chloe looks confused]
- Luther: If you'd read my play, you'd get that.
- James: [showing his jeans from behind] My publicist thought I should take advantage of all the press I'm getting for Dancing with the Stars and launch my own line of jeans. So... [slaps own butt] Beek Jeans. Put your cheeks in a Beek.
- [Luther claps hands]
- James: Right? [turns around]
- Chloe: Holy Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn't that hurt?
- James: So much. Yeah. But if you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.
It's Just Sex... [1.06]
- Chloe: [after learning June had casual sex] You see these? Tears of joy. I haven't cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn't take me to see Pulp Fiction.
- June: [cell phone chimes] Ooh! Oh, it's Charles. "Come over now. I need you." Aw, yeah! Booty text!
- Chloe: Get out of here, you little slut! I love you! I got you something. It's a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!
- June: I'm a casual sexer!
- June: I can't do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached. I can't be like you. My lady harp has feelings!
- Chloe: Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?
- June: Because sex is complicated! You've never had feelings for somebody you've slept with?
- Chloe: "Slept with"? Honey, if you're falling asleep, he's obviously doing something wrong.
Shitagi Nashi... [1.07]
- June: [reading from the graphic novel that is based on Chloe] "Patrick Kelly." That's the guy who wrote these. Do you know who that is?
- Chloe: Ugh. June, if I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn't have time to be my fabulous self.
- June: [after getting her stomach pumped the night before] I can hang out with you. It's just, I-I can't drink anything.
- Chloe: Oh, no, no, no. If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don't want any Judgmental Judys or Sober Sallys in my crew.
A Reunion... [2.01]
- James: I ordered you some food. I, uh, I don't really know what girls eat.
- Busy Philipps: Oh, sweetie, we don't. We don't eat. We just live in caves, having our periods, until it's time to have sex with the first guy who buys us a wine cooler and reminds us of our dad.
- Chloe: You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you like in a John Woo movie.
Love and Monsters... [2.02]
- June: Didn't you sleep here again last night? Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?
- Chloe: So what is your costume this year? Detective Ass-Basket?
- June: It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments.
- Chloe: No, that is not true. I love Halloween. I love everything about it.
- June: Really?! 'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year, because it's the first time in forever that Steven and I haven't been together. You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume. I was always Steven's "and something," you know, doctor and sexy nurse, or doctor and sexy patient.
- Chloe: Sherlock Ho. Mm, I should've called you Sherlock Ho.
- June: Chloe, I am shocked. I never pegged you as the relationship type, but Benjamin is so great. You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really... he really likes you.
- Chloe: Really? Do you think so?
- June: Oh, absolutely. This is my area of expertise.
- Chloe: Great! So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him! Oh, I would throw my head back and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts and my throat kinda does, too.
- June: What do you mean, "destroy him"?
- Chloe: Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me, I figure out their deepest, darkest fears, what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever, and then the next Halloween... I do it.
Sexy People... [2.03]
- [Chloe shows June a copy of People magazine featuring James on the cover as "Sexiest Man Alive"]
- Chloe: I had them mock this up down at the office. I became the managing editor of People magazine today.
- June: Yeah, right.
- Chloe: It's true. I've taken over a bunch of companies before—Volvo, Dole, Febreze. You just gotta walk in like you own the place, fire the first person to ask you a question, fire the second person to ask you a question, and then gaze out the window and draw a peen on the board. It's the traditional intimidation–confusion–submission technique.
- Chloe: [barges into the People offices] Why is James not on the cover?!
- Carol: Uh, Marjorie must have nixed it. [Chloe looks confused] Marjorie has final say.
- Chloe: Stop saying "Marjorie" like I'm supposed to know who that is.
- Carol: You don't know who Marjorie is?
- Chloe: Oh, my God! One more word and Brenda gets a smackwich!
- Carol: I don't understand...
- Chloe: Her face is the lunch meat, my hands are the bread! [smacks both sides of Brenda's head simultaneously, and Brenda screams] Smackwich!
It's a Miracle... [2.04]
- Chloe: We're at my parents' house. We're just gonna go in for a quick five-course meal, we'll be done in nine hours, max.
- June: Nine hours?! That is gonna bleed into Black Friday!
- Chloe: June, you can have sex with black men any day of the week.
- Scott: Honey, you know you're pretty. You got it all going on. But sometimes guests, like my boss, can misconstrue when you sit on their lap and feed them ambrosia salad with your fingers.
- June: You put your fingers inside of your dad's boss' mouth?
- Chloe: June, if there's a sexy piece of man meat in front of me, I'm gonna wanna eat it.
Whatever It Takes... [2.05]
- Chloe and June: We need to talk. You've got a problem.
- June: Me? I'm not the one coming home wasted every morning.
- Chloe: June, you're an addict. You are shoveling food into your face constantly. I leave at night, you're eating. I come home in the morning, you're eating. Sometimes I see you leave the house in the middle of the day with a bag of food.
- June: That's called breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
- Chloe: I don't care what the street names are called. The intersection is death.
- June: Take your money goggles off.
- Chloe: No!
- June: Chloe, he has a wife and a child.
- Chloe: And a jet!
- June: Chloe, you are better than this. Take the money goggles off.
- Chloe: [scoffs] Fine.
- Trey: [Chloe sees him as a hideous, cartoonish creature with bulging eyes] Hiiiiii!
- Chloe: Well... That's unfortunate. I'm gonna set fire to his car to punish him for my mistake.
Bar Lies... [2.06]
- Chloe: [lying to a bartender at a bar in order to get a free drink] Katie Holmes and I are only cousins, but we're as flirty as sisters.
- James: [referring to his maid] Why do you hate Yolanda?
- Luther: [scoffs] I do not hate Yolanda! It's just... if you're El Salvadorian, don't pretend to be Guatemalan, you know?
A Weekend in the Hamptons... [2.07]
- June: I've always wanted to go to a real-life Hamptons lighthouse. Rainy weather. In a fisherman's sweater. On a bike. With a sandwich and my thoughts.
- Chloe: [pause] I almost just hit you. I almost just lost control and hit you.
- Chloe: I guess we're all just one small hole in the condom away from having our lives totally destroyed.
- June: [referring to her mean coworker, Fox Paris] I'm gonna fix this my way. I am going to kill her...
- [Chloe gasps with excitement]
- June: ...with kindness.
- [Chloe frowns]
- Fox Paris: [after being accidentally stabbed by June] You stabbed the bitch in the conference room! You from Queens?
- June: Uh, no.
- Fox Paris: You hang out at Gino's?
- June: I-I-I don't know what that is. Is-is-is that a bar?
- Fox Paris: Yeah. You from Queens. Seven one eight, seven one gray!
The Scarlet Neighbor... [2.09]
- [Chloe and June are attending the tenants' meeting]
- Chloe: [walks up to the new family and talks to their son] Hi there, I'm Chloe. I live in apartment 23. How old are you? 16? 17?
- Anthony: 17 and a half.
- Chloe: Okay, well, um, according to Megan's Law, I'm required to tell all families with a minor that I live within a 500-foot radius and I'm a registered sex offender.
- [June and the other tenants gasp in shock]
- Anthony: [standing up hurriedly] 'Sup? I'm Tony P., but my friends call me Nut-Nut.
- Anthony's mother: Anthony, no!
- Chloe: Guess what. I finally like an appropriate guy. Mark! I'm totally attracted to Mark.
- June: Wait, Mark? My Mark? But you didn't know his name yesterday.
- Chloe: I know, but I just had a sex dream about him. Sex dreams never lie.
- June: Well, I mean, I— I guess— I guess that could work. I mean, he meets all the criteria. He's cute, he's kind, he has a job.
- Chloe: I know! [...] He's great, right? You did it.
- June: No, we did it.
- Chloe: We did it!
- Chloe and June: Yay!
- Chloe: Well, I'm gonna go take him down to pound town! Ahhhh! [leaves]
- June: No! Baby steps. No!
Mean Girls... [2.10]
- Chloe: [referring to June's new friends from Pilates class] Why do you wanna be their friend? They're catty, obnoxious, and irritating, like all girls.
- June: "All girls"? What do you— What do you even mean?
- Chloe: I mean, those girls are exactly the reason why I don't hang out with girls. They're competitive, they backstab, and they post group pictures of themselves on Facebook so they can show the world what they look like in a bikini.
- June: That was a tankini, and I was tagged in that photo.
- Chloe: Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes. They say what they mean, they like to have fun, and in a pinch, they have a penis.
- Stephanie: You're not as interesting as you think you are.
- Chloe: Well, you're not as skinny as you think you are.
- Stephanie: Shouldn't you be dancing in a glass booth somewhere?
- Chloe: No, your mom took my shift.
- Stephanie: My mom passed away two years ago!
- Chloe: Well, you look like Donald Sutherland.
Dating Games... [2.11]
- [Chloe comes home with a man and the two start making out next to June and Mark]
- June: Chloe, we're trying to watch something.
- Chloe: And I am trying to do someone! Now stop watching these stupid dating shows and get in the game, June. Go out and meet somebody.
- June: I have very tough criteria!
- James: He can't be from your work or your gym, or live in your building.
- Mark: [lowered voice] We don't work together anymore.
- June: And he can't be someone that Chloe slept with, which is really hard to find.
- Chloe: Hello? How do you think I feel? I only sleep with guys I haven't slept with before. You know my scorched-earth policy.
- Drunk guy: Um, we've actually had sex before.
- Chloe: Oh. Get out.
- Chloe: [to June] Ooooh, you just got mind-forked.
The Leak... [2.12]
- Luther: [answering phone] Hello, Memo Paris.
- Chloe: What? Who's that?
- Luther: Kim Basinger's character in The Natural. Remember? The succubus who almost destroyed Robert Redford's baseball career.
- Chloe: Luther, can you stop being gay for one second and put James on?
- June: I'm drinking all the orange juice. There's enough here for both of us, but I'm gonna drink it all. I'm ignoring you. I am icing you out. I am not giving you any of my energy or my thoughts or my focus. Yep. That's what I'm doing. When friendship blows cold... it blows icy.
- Chloe: Ugh. Good God, woman! Stop burying me with your word avalanche.
Monday June... [2.13]
- Crissy: I am pregnant!
- June: That's wonderful!
- Luther: [at the same time as June] James is not the father!
- Crissy: I know. Robert's the father.
- [Luther sighs with relief]
- June: You won, Chloe. You kept pushing me and pushing me to be more fun and spontaneous like you, and I cracked. I cracked two fried eggs on the GMA window.
- Chloe: What?
- June: Two fried eggs—when you push your boobs up against the glass. It's a pressed ham when you do your butt. Ham, butt. Eggs, boobs.
- Chloe: You think I've been trying to get you to be like me? I didn't black lightning you or order you a pig, blow up your dinner, and kidnap your clients to get you to do fried eggs!
- June: Then why did you do it?
- Chloe: Since you got that new job, you're never around.
- June: That's what this is? You missed me?
- Chloe: No, I don't miss you. I... miss you reacting to me. I mean, if I can't come home from a crazy night and shock you with my stories, what am I even doing it for? If a crazy, drunk tree barfs in the forest— If Sean Young barfs in the forest, and there's no one there to see it, did it even happen?
Teddy Trouble... [2.14]
- Benjamin: No more games, Chloe. I came by your apartment because I wanted to surprise you, not James. Actually... [chuckles] I blew off a big meeting I had in LA because I wanted to come here and see you... because I missed you.
- Chloe: [turns to June and whispers] What's happening?
- June: [whispering] I-I think he's just being honest with you. Maybe you can... you can do the same?
- Chloe: Oh. [turns back to Benjamin, pause] I'm having an affair with Teddy.
- Benjamin and June: What?
- Chloe: June, I'm really sorry you had to find out this way. If you need to have an ugly cry, there's a couch in the bathroom.
- Benjamin: Uh, Chloe, I was just totally honest with you, so I don't get—
- Chloe: What don't you get? I'm having an affair with Teddy, and June's about to ugly cry. Come on, June, give them a little preview. It's like... [imitates ugly cry] I can't do it because I'm too cute.
- [As Chloe, June, and Terry are rushing to the warehouse sale]
- June: I'm just saying, maybe last night had an effect on you.
- Chloe: Shut up! Shut up! This is way too much talking about a guy I haven't even had sex with! We haven't even kissed, except for a part of a Halloween trick!
- June: You haven't even real kissed, and you like him this much? Further proof of love!
- Chloe: If we weren't late, so help me God, I would turn around and push you down this flight of stairs! I owe you one push down one flight of stairs!
The D... [2.15]
- Chloe: [after June announces she is going on a date that night] How many times have you had sex with him?
- June: Zero, we've only been on one date.
- [Chloe kneels and tries to spread June's legs apart]
- June: What are you doing?
- Chloe: Seeing if your V has been stolen.
- June: Oh, get out of there! You know I don't do things that way.
- Chloe: You don't do things any way, that's the problem. You date like a Quaker.
- June: We'll see! Maybe we'll sit on the same side of the booth, or split a sweet crepe.
- Chloe: Quaker words!
- Chloe: I swear to God, when mothers birth morons, are they doing it just to upset me?
The Seven Year Bitch... [2.16]
- Chloe: [as she and James come back home] Good thing your face was so oily tonight, I could check my makeup in your forehead.
- James: I wish you had, you look like a runner-up at a child's beauty pageant in Ohio.
- Chloe: You look like you just got back from the Douchie Awards and you won five Douchies.
- James: Only award you could ever win is for letting rappers touch you.
- June: I don't get how you guys talk to each other like that, it's so mean. Especially before bedtime.
- James: It's not mean. It's just us.
- Chloe: And what I don't get is what the hell you're wearing.
- June: Oh, they're my Midwest breakfast pajamas. I've had them since high school.
- Chloe: [turns to James] When I was in high school, you were a grown man pretending to be in high school on TV.
- James: Watching me pretend to be in high school on TV was as close to high school as you ever got.
- June: How could you veto Emily so quickly? You didn't even know her.
- Chloe: I didn't need to. It's like a special power. Some people have special powers where they can't see, and some people have special powers where they can't hear.
- June: Those are blind and deaf people. They're actually lacking powers.
- Chloe: My special power is, I know when James' relationships are going to end badly. I don't know how I do it, but I take one look at the girl and it's like I Beautiful Mind it. And trust me, if he kept going out with her, he'd become soft and complacent.
- June: That poor girl. You vetoed her right to her face. She didn't even get any bread.
- Chloe: June, if you're not being completely honest with your friends, then you're not helping them be the best that they can possibly be. By the way, you're using the wrong foundation for your skin tone, it actually clashes with your skin tone. It's like your face is one girl, and your neck is another.
Using People... [2.17]
- June: How are you in AA? You are always drinking!
- Chloe: Oh, I'm not in AA because I'm sober. I'm in it because it's the best place to tell my crazy, wild drinking stories to an audience who actually appreciates them. It's like how black comedians get the biggest laughs from black people, whereas white people be all like, [in a mocking voice] "What's he talking about? Can I have another Shirley Temple?"
- June: So I told Mark I liked him, and the next thing I know, we're having sex.
- Chloe: So you started talking with your mouth and you ended talking with your genitals. I have to say, June, I'm deeply impressed.
- June: It was awful.
- Chloe: Yes, I know, it can be emotionally confusing and awful and terrible.
- June: No, no, no. I don't mean emotionally awful. I mean the sex itself was literally mechanically awful. I'm talking... about people who... don't even... know... what sex is. Like, bad, sweaty, clunky sex. Like two... babies having... intercourse.
- Chloe: Gross, June! Why'd you have to put that image in my head? I'm about to go to Little League. That's my new crazy story for AA—I'm gonna cause a drunken scene at Little League, kiss a father, and then grab a metal bat out of a kid's hand and just start swinging.
- James: [after Benjamin gives a speech to the crew on the set of James' new commercial] I can't follow that. You can't have two... inspiring first-day-of-production speeches. The SOB usurped me!
- Luther: He All About Eve'd you.
- James: What?
- Luther: Oh, sorry. He Showgirl'd you! [James looks confused] He did better than you did.
- June: I know you said it doesn't bother you that Melinda St. Claire is number one in Ben's cycle. But you can't pretend that you're not feeling hurt. He's your number one, and you're not his. That is jacked up.
- Chloe: June, I've already moved on to other guys in my rotation. I don't really care.
- June: Shh! [puts her finger on Chloe's mouth] Just let the perfect breakup song heal your wounds.
- Chloe: Take your finger off my face.
- June: Sorry. That was too much.
- Chloe: June, I don't care how Ben ranks his cycle. Why do you think I date six guys at a time? For exactly this reason. One gets annoying, another one slips right in. It's how Pat Riley ran the Knicks, it's how I run my sex life.
Original Bitch... [2.19]
- Chloe: [referring to her former roommate, Trish] At first, I planned on strangling her with her Juicy sweatpants. But if she's still wearing those, I've already won.
- Trish: [in Chloe's dream] Did you have fun paying six months of my phone bill?
- Chloe: Did you have fun giving the clap to the entire backroom staff of the New York Rangers?
- Krysten Ritter – Chloe
- Dreama Walker – June Colburn
- James Van Der Beek – James Van Der Beek
- Liza Lapira – Robin
- Michael Blaiklock – Eli Webber
- Eric André – Mark Reynolds
- Ray Ford – Luther Wilson