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Everyone loves a happy ending. taglines
Don Jon is a 2013 film about a New Jersey guy dedicated to his family, friends, and church who develops unrealistic expectations from watching porn and works to find happiness and intimacy with his potential true love.
- Directed and written by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
- [as his computer chimes while turning on] Yeah. Not gonna lie. This sound - gets me hard as a fuckin' rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy. So I start off with some stills. Then, once I'm gettin' into it, I start lookin' for a video. I never actually touch my cock til I find the right clip. Then, once I do, goodbye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away and the only thing in the world is those tits, dat ass, the blowjob... the cowboy, the doggie, the money shot and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just fuckin' lose myself. There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad. My ride. My family. My church. My boys. My girls. And my porn. I know, the last one sounds weird, but I'm just bein' honest. Nothin' else does it for me the same way, not even real pussy. And...why do you think my boys call me 'The Don'?"
- See? This is what I'm sayin; real pussy is good, but, I'm sorry, it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowjob? Sure, it's fuckin' fantastic in person-if she'll do it. But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. And I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is THEY'RE FUCKIN' CRAZY! Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy eating clip, but from down here, there's nothing good about this. And if she finally does decide to do you the big favor...she's in a fuckin' hurry. Now, when it comes to the actual fucking, first of all, condoms are terrible, they just are! But, you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking! The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass-you can't really touch her ass, 'cause she's lyin' on her back. They don't want to do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you. Basically, it's all me doin' all the work. Money shot? No, there is no real life Money shot! Real girls won't do that shit! You just cum through the fuckin' condom! So, you tell me: which looks better? This? [a clip of him having sex with a girl] Or THIS? [a clip of his porn]
- Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. Since last Sunday I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated seventeen times. For these, and all the sins in my life, I am sorry.
- Alright, I'll admit: there are some downsides. Like, there's some times you find a great clip with a hot chick, and right as you're startin' to cum, it shows the guy. It's not much of a fault, really, but it still sucks, so... also, now adays, you got so much to choose from, so, finding the right clip takes a lot of time. And my time is precious to me. Yeah, I got shit to do, so...and, every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's fuckin' depressing. You think to yourself, "why can't real pussy be like THIS?" And, I smash new girls, all the fuckin' time, always an 8, or better, and it's STILL never this good! What am I doin' wrong? Maybe it's time to try somethin' new, so...
- I don't watch too many movies. I used to watch them a lot when I was little kid, before I could get my hand on any porn. 'Cause back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie. Now, I don't really see the point. I dunno, I must be missin' out on somethin', because most people...eat that shit up. The pretty woman, the pretty man, love at first sight, the first kiss, the break-up, the make-up, the expensive wedding, and then they ride off into the sunset. And everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real, fuckin' life!
- I'm in love with Barbara. I am. And tonight, I FINALLY got to fuck her. But I'm sorry to say, it's STILL not as good as porn. Tits-best ever. Ass-best ever. Blowjob-good luck. A girl that hot- she don't need to give head. For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking, you know, "making love." And, by "making love," I mean, "missionary fucking." No doggy, no cowboy...
- This fuckin' lady! Now I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot. But I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her, and pretty soon, I'm hard as a fuckin' rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinkin', or I know what she's thinkin'. I don't know, it's a two-way thing. Fuckin' love it! And I don't mean love like, oh I love her or wanna marry her, definitely not thinkin' about all that shit. And she's not either... she can't. I guess I just mean love like, you know like... we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there, and yeah I do lose myself in her. And I can tell she's losing herself in me. And we're just fuckin'... lost together.
- If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself to another person. And she has to lose herself to you. It's a two-way thing.
- Barbara: Movies and porno are different, Jon! They give awards for movies!
- Jon: And they give awards for porn too.
- Danny: Listen, I don't like more than a handful of titty. No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like, no! Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.
- Jon: Jesus Christ!
- Bobby: Yeah, your mom do got some big-ass titties.
- Danny: Don't talk about my mother.
- Bobby: You brought up your mother.
- Barbara: Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me, come on!
- Jon: Why, what's wrong?
- Barbara: Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why!
- Angela: [after meeting Barbara] I love her! I love her!
- Jon Sr.: Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all!
- Monica: [After Jon breaks the news to his parents about his break-up with Barbara] Well, maybe it's all for the better.
- Angela: What are ya saying?
- Monica: All I'm saying is that girl, had her own agenda. She didn't care about Jon, she didn't even know the first thing about him! She just wanted to go out with someone she knew would do what she told him too. It is a good thing that you two are no longer together.
- Jon: Thanks.
- Everyone loves a happy ending.
- There's more to life than a happy ending.
- Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Jon "Don Jon" Martello, Jr.
- Scarlett Johansson - Barbara Sugarman
- Julianne Moore - Esther
- Rob Brown - Bobby
- Glenne Headly - Angela Martello
- Brie Larson - Monica Martello
- Tony Danza - Jon Martello, Sr.
- Jeremy Luke - Danny
- Paul Ben-Victor - Priest (Voice)