- Good luck doesn't happen to people like us. Good luck happens to Madonna.
- I could wind up floating on the bottom of the Hudson.
- Some shame bout that Mona Dearly. I mean, so young.
- Don't kiss the dogs ass!
- I was a battered husband.
- I want half. And don't give me none of that "fifty-percent" shit.
- Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.
- Mona Dearly: Don't call yourselves BJ Landscaping. You don't want people to go around calling you "Blow Job Landscaping."
- Phil Dearly: [singing] I'm a Wheel Watcher! I'm a Wheel Watcher!
- Lt. Feege Gruber: They found him this morning...dead in the water, so to speak.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad."
- Mona Dearly: Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!
- Phil Dearly: Make shit salad?
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: [to Phil Dearly, after informing him of his wife's death] So, uh...you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it, or...
- Phil Dearly: Yeah! Uh...
- Deputy Jimmy D: I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil, you know, it's just that, coming from you it may cushion the blow.
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: Being that, you know, he's your son and all.
- Phil Dearly: Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.
- Bobby Kalzone: Dude, she's like 13.
- Jeff Dearly: Finally!
- Ellen Rash: You're supposed to have that thing in your head that says, "BAD FUCKING IDEA, BOBBY!"
- Bobby Kalzone: I do have it! It just didn't work!
- Bobby Kalzone: It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.
- Bobby Kalzone: Peaches killed Jeff?
- Chief Wyatt Rash: No, I heard you killed Peaches.
- Chief Wyatt Rash: Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?
- Cubby: You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?
- Chief Wyatt Rash: Along those lines.
- Cubby: Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.
- Mona Dearly: Why'de you pull us over Feege?
- Lt. Feege Gruber: Oh let me think about that Mona, you're riding on rims and you pulled an 1107 on an officer of the law. [to Jeff] What the hell is the matter with you son?
- Mona Dearly: What did you hurt him for?
- Lt. Feege Gruber: He's drunk!
- Mona Dearly: No he ain't! [to Jeff] It's OK baby. [to Feege] You're gonna pay for this Feege! You just lost your lawn service, pal!
- Bobby Kalzone: Mona Dearly's dead.
- Ellen Rash: What?
- Bobby Kalzone: She's dead- It was just a- car accident.
- Ellen Rash: You gotta be kiddin' me. Well- We gotta celebrate!
- Bobby Kalzone: Jesus, God, Ellie she's a human being. Have a little respect.
- Ellen Rash: I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family. Think how they treated you.
- Bobby Kalzone: How did they treat me?
- Ellen Rash: Badly, they're a houseful of freaks.
- Jeff Dearly: Where's my car?
- Deputy Jimmy D.: Well Jeff, it's a little bit more serious than your car.
- Jeff Dearly: Would someone mind tellin me what the hell's goin on?
- Deputy Tony Carlucci: Your mother drove her car into the lake Jeff, I'm afraid she's dead.
- Jeff Dearly: What was she doing in my car?
- Ellen Rash: Bobby! Sheesh I can't believe you killed somebody!
- [she walks off]
- Bobby Kalzone: Where ya goin?
- Ellen Rash: Home!
- Bobby Kalzone: [quietly] We need milk.
- 1 murder. 460 prime suspects. Not so much of a 'who done it' as a 'who didn't'.
- The death of Mona Dearly wasn't so much a whodunnit, as a who didn't.
- Who wanted to see Mona Dearly dead? Take a number.
- Danny DeVito - Chief Wyatt Rash
- Bette Midler - Mona Dearly
- Neve Campbell - Ellen Rash
- Jamie Lee Curtis - Rona Mace
- Casey Affleck - Bobby Calzone
- William Fichtner - Phil Dearly
- Marcus Thomas - Jeff Dearly
- Peter Dobson - Lt. Feege Gruber
- Kathleen Wilhoite - Lucinda
- Tracey Walter - Clarence
- Will Ferrell - Cubby the Funeral Director
- Paul Ben-Victor - Deputy Tony Carlucci
- Paul Schulze - Deputy Jimmy D.