Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I extend the good wishes of every man, woman and child of Freedonia.
Rufus T Firefly: Never mind that stuff, take a card. [Fans out a deck of playing cards]
Mrs. Teasdale: [Picks one from the fan] Card? What do I do with the card?
Firefly: You can keep it. I got fifty one left! Now, what were you saying?
Mrs. Teasdale: As chairwoman of the reception committee, I welcome you with open arms.
Firefly: Is that so? How late do you stay open?
Mrs. Teasdale: I've sponsored your appointment because I feel you are the most able statesman in all Freedonia.
Firefly: Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You'd better beat it; I hear they're gonna tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here. You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Firefly: Oh, I see. Then, it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. Teasdale: He left me his entire fortune.
Firefly: Is that so? Can't you see what I'm trying to tell you? I love you! [jumps into her arms]
Mrs. Teasdale: Oh, your Excellency!
Firefly: You're not so bad yourself.
Mrs. Teasdale: The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.
Firefly: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.
Trentino: Have you been trailing Firefly?
Chicolini: Have we been trailing Firefly? Why, my partner he's got a nose just like a bloodhound!
Trentino: Oh really?
Chicolini: Yes, and the rest of his face don't look so good either.
Firefly: And now members of the cabinet, we'll take up old business.
Cabinet Member: I wish to discuss the tariff.
Firefly: Sit down, that's new business. [pause] No old business? Very well, we'll take up new business.
Cabinet Member: Now about the tariff.
Firefly: Too late, that's old business already.
Another Cabinet Member: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Enough of this. How about taking up the tax?
Firefly: How about taking up the carpet?
Member: I still insist we take up the tax!
Firefly: [to his secretary] He's right—you've got to take up the tacks before you take up the carpet.
Member: I give all my time and energy to my duties, and what do I get?
Firefly: You get awfully tiresome after a while.
Member: Sir, you try my patience.
Firefly: I don't mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.
Member: That's the last straw: I resign. I wash my hands of the whole business.
Firefly: Good idea. You can wash your neck too.
Lemonade Stall Owner: I'll teach you to kick me!
Chicolini: You don't have to teach me—I know how! [kicks him]
Vera: Oh, for heaven's sake, don't make a sound. If you found, you lost.
Chicolini: Oh, you crazy. How can I be lost if I'm found?
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini (in disguise as Rufus T. Firefly): Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?
Prosecutor: Something must be done. War would meant a prohibitive increase in our taxes.
Chicolini: Hey, I've got an uncle that lives in Taxes.
Prosecutor: No, I'm talking about taxes. Money. Dollars.
Chicolini: Dollas! There's-a where my uncle lives! Dollas, Taxes!
Chicolini: I wouldn't go out there unless I had one of those big iron things that go up and down. What do you call those things?