Due South, originally a Canadian television show (1994-1999), follows the comical adventures of Constable Benton Fraser, a Mountie from the Yukon Territories, and Detective Ray Vecchio,a no-nonsense cop living in Chicago. Although the series was canceled in 1996, after a year's break, it was decided that Due South would run for two additional years.
- [The door to the bar crashes open as Fraser enters]
- Benton Fraser: Excuse me, can I have your attention please?
- [jukebox cuts off abruptly]
- Benton Fraser: Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons, if you would place them on the bar. You are under arrest.
- [Patrons pull out numerous guns and point them at him. A knife is thrown into the wall near Fraser's head; he never even blinks]
- Benton Fraser: You realize I'm going to have to confiscate that?
- [Fraser and Ray are standing in Lt. Walsh's office after a gun fight broke out in a bar]
- Lt. Walsh: One solid oak bar, sixteen tables, twelve chairs, one etched mirror, six by nine, one antique pool table, two doors, thirty-two bottles of liquor, and a Pabst Blue Ribbon neon clock. Does this seem like a fairly accurate list of the damages, Detective Vecchio?
- Ray Vecchio: I don't believe the pool table was an antique, sir.
- Lt. Walsh: Oh, well we'll never know now, will we? Because all that's left is this bag of felt.
- Ray: I sought refuge behind the item in question when the suspect pointed a shot gun in my direction and fired repeatedly, sir.
- Lt. Walsh: Suspect. I'm glad we finally got around to that because I would hate to think we were responsible for all this damage without a very good reason. You say you identified him by his nose?
- Ray: Yes, sir.
- Lt. Walsh: You didn't say something about his nose, causing him to fire repeatedly into the bar?
- Ray: Ah, no sir.
- Lt. Walsh: You just felt that his nose was so offensive that you decided to pursue and arrest him?
- Ray: Captain, the suspect is a known felon and you see, I had this hunch that--
- Lt. Walsh: You had a hunch? [laughs] A hunch! And you coupled your hunch with with your positive identification of his nose? And this was the basis of your investigation? An investigation which resulted in injury of seven people, three with gun shot wounds, two with broken limbs, one hospitalized with a concussion, and one who claims to have been bitten by a wolf.
- Ray: The wolf was just trying to help, sir.
- Lt. Walsh: [sarcastically] They usually are!
- Ray Vecchio: Okay, okay. It was the mud right? You knew it came off his shoe because when you sniffed it, it smelled like...mud! I mean, what else does mud smell like?
- Benton Fraser: Perhaps it was something off the floor of the bar.
- Ray: Wood? No, no, no. Beer and maybe peanut shells. And when you tasted it - which, by the way, I can't believe you put that in your mouth - you tasted the salt from the peanut shells and knew that he had been here, right?
- Fraser: Wrong. I guessed. I had a hunch.
- Ray: No, no, no, no. You don't have hunches. I have hunches.
- Fraser: I had one of your hunches, Ray. Felt good.
- Ray: And what was it with the mud? You put mud in your mouth.
- Fraser: Ray, she was looking out the window and I simply made her believe I found something.
- Ray: You made her believe you were a mud-eater. I can't believe I'm sitting in the same car with you!
- Fraser: Where's this address?
- Ray: Why? What are you gonna do? Tell him to surrender or you're gonna eat something off the curb?
- Ray Vecchio: One-two-seven-hundred Franklin. One officer on the scene and tell 'em not to shoot the guy in the hat.
- Ray Vecchio: So we got some fishing rods, a rifle last used by Chuck Conners, and a bag of rice. So what's your plan?
- Benton Fraser: We wait for them to come.
- Ray: Yeah? And?
- Fraser: Then we arrest them.
- Ray: You see that's such a simple plan that the American mind automatically tends to discount it, so let me run it back to you: We wait here. Gerard and God knows who else comes - sometime when? We're not sure. And then, when we least expect it, they shoot us dead with automatic weapons. Any part I left out?
- Fraser: Yes. I need Gerard alive to testify, so we can't kill him.
- Ray: Oh, I don't think we're in any danger of doing that.
- Benton Fraser: When I graduated from the Academy my father gave me one piece of advice. He said, "Always..." No, he said, "Never..." Well, actually, he gave me two pieces of advice but I've forgotten the other one. But the important one is, "Never chase a man over a cliff."
- Ray Vecchio: That's supposed to mean something in Canadian, isn't it?
- Ray Vecchio: You know, we just took out seven guys. One more and you qualify for American citizenship.
[Fraser is on duty outside of the consulate and not moving a muscle]
- Ray Vecchio: ...Listen, I just want to know if you can really smell what's in mud? 'Cause I've been following this guy... [Ray gets no response from Fraser] Are you listening to me? I can't believe it! I get my ass blown off for you and you can't even nod! [still nothing] Okay, how about winking? [nothing] Winking's against the law?!
[The bum who borrowed $100 from Fraser at the airport walks down the sidewalk]
- Bum: Ah, when he gets off work can you give him this? It's the hundred he lent me.
Free Willie [1.01]
- Ray Vecchio: Fraser, you do not want to live in this neighborhood. Cops do not live in areas like this. Most people we bust won't live here.
- Benton Fraser: Why? It's central, convenient. I could walk to work in seven minutes.
- Ray: Not without backup.
- Ray Vecchio: Do me a favor, let's just turn around. I'll take you back to your hotel.
- Fraser: No, I can't. I checked out - the windows wouldn't open.
- Ray: Fraser, this is Chicago. The only reason to open a window is to get a better aim.
[The landlord yells down to Fraser and Ray]
- Dennis: Yo, I found the key.
- Benton Fraser: I'll be right up, sir. [whispers] Ray, Ray, Ray.
- Ray Vecchio: What?
- Fraser: Is my lanyard straight?
- Ray: [referring to Dennis] He's a slum lord !
- Benton Fraser: Would you like to see my references now?
- Dennis: References?
- Ray: It's like a rap sheet.
- Dennis: [gives a look] No, that's okay.
- Dennis: This is the place. The furniture, appliances, and all of this great stuff is included. Utilities are extra. [He moves to the window] One a good day, you can see Canada just across the lake.
- Benton Fraser: Canada is four-hundred and eighty-eight miles due North.
- Dennis: You really have to squint.
- Ray Vecchio: Well, where is he?
- Benton Fraser: Who?
- Ray: The kid! The purse-snatcher! Where is he?! I wanna book him.
- Fraser: I let him go.
- Ray: You let him go ?
- Fraser: Well he apologized and promised never to do it again.
- Ray: [incredulous] You just let him go?
- Fraser: Not without a stern warning. Also, he gave me this.
- Ray: Does the word "incarcerate" mean anything to you?
- Fraser: Well, it's from the Medieval Latin, "incarcerata" ...
- Ray: Medieval Latin? You let a perp go and and you're giving me Medieval Latin?
- Fraser: Actually, "perpetrator" is also Latin from "perpetrare" ...
- Ray: Shut up, okay? Just shut up.
- Lt. Welsh: I thought they sent you back up to the Yukon.
- Benton Fraser: Well, they did, sir. And then they sent be back here again. I'm afraid I'm not at all that well liked up there, sir.
- Lt. Welsh: By, "up there", you mean...
- Fraser: Pretty much all of Canada, sir.
- Lt. Welsh: Hmm. The wolf isn't involved in this is it?
- Ray: Only peripherally, sir.
[referring to a juvenile accused of robbery]
- Lt. Welsh: Are you willing to take responsibility for him?
- Ray Vecchio: Personally? You see that's the problem, sir, in that, you know, I date a lot, and--
- Lt. Welsh: Huey and Louis get him.
- Louis: Good call, Lieutenant.
- Benton Fraser: I'll take responsibility, sir.
- Lt. Welsh: You want him?
- Ray: It's a Mountie thing, sir. Two more points and he gets to go camping.
- Willie: Wow. So I took out the trash, washed the walls, and made the bed eight-thousand times. What's next, maneuvers?
- Benton Fraser: [hands Willie some money] Here.
- Willie: For what?
- Fraser: You earned it.
- Willie: Yeah?
- Fraser: Yeah.
[Fraser gets settled in his blankets on the floor]
- Fraser: Goodnight Diefenbaker.
- Willie: Fraser? You know crack dealers are even afraid to come into this neighborhood?
- Fraser: Goodnight, Willie.
- Willie: Fraser?
- Fraser: Uh-huh?
- Willie: Why is this money pink?
- Fraser: Goodnight Willie.
- Willie: Goodnight.
[after leaving Mr. Hamlin's office]
- Ray Vecchio: He is in on it.
- Benton Fraser: Yes.
- Ray: Don't ask me how I know, but I know. How do you know?
- Fraser: Same way you do.
- Ray: I guessed.
- Fraser: Oh.
- Ray: What do you mean, "Oh" How do you know? You stick a wet finger in the air and you decide he was a thief?
- Fraser: No, no. From that all I can tell is they have a malfunction in the ventilating system. [to a repairman] Pardon me, you have a broken cooling vent in Suite B [to Ray] It's of no importance, Ray.
- Benton Fraser: You know, Ray, when I was a young man, my father told me one thing to always remember about thieves. Well, actually, he told me two things, but I've forgotten the other one. Anyway, the important one is, that despite the adage, you will rarely find honor among thieves.
- Ray Vecchio: You can't remember the other one?
- Fraser: It was something about tying a wallet to your underwear. I was very young at the time. Anyway, the point is, if they took the money during the robbery then Hamlin would have to trust them to give him his share.
[Morgan is holding Ray at gunpoint, as Fraser appears]
- Morgan: Don't move, Boy Scout. Back right off.
- Benton Fraser: You alright, Ray?
- Ray Vecchio: I'm well, Fraser, and you?
- Morgan: [to Fraser] Dead in your tracks! Right there. Take out the gun and drop it on the floor.
- Ray: Don't do it, Fraser. Take the shot.
- Fraser: I'm afraid I'm not carrying a gun.
- Morgan: Drop the gun.
- Fraser: I honestly don't have one.
- Ray: [about Fraser] Sharp shooter first class. Can take the head off a pin.
- Fraser: He's right about that.
- Ray: [to Morgan] Drop it or he takes you out.
- Fraser: I would if I had a gun, Ray.
- Morgan: Show me the gun!
- Fraser: Well we'd have to go back to my office. I do have this knife.
- Ray: Oh, that's good Benny. Threaten her with your camping utensils.
[Morgan has just shot Fraser. Ray runs over to check Fraser out and we see a shocked expression on Fraser's face]
- Benton Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray.
- Ray Vecchio: She shot you in the hat?
- Fraser: I can feel air coming in through the hole.
- Ray: She shot you in the hat, alright.
- Fraser: How does it look?
- Ray: Doesn't look good.
- Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one.
- Ray: We can do that, Fraser.
- Fraser: Thanks, Ray.
- Ray Vecchio: ...All I'm saying is, in the future, it's a good idea that you don't suggest somebody shoot me.
- Benton Fraser: Well I didn't want to, Ray, but it was necessary in order to enrage her.
- Ray: You wanted to enrage the person that had a gun to my neck. That was your strategy?
- Fraser: I knew that if I kept at it, eventually I'd draw her fire and you'd get your shot. And I knew you'd trust me.
- Ray: But I didn't.
- Fraser: Yes you did.
- Ray: No, I didn't.
- Fraser: Yes. You did.
- Ray: No. I didn't.
- Fraser: Well of course you did. Maybe you just weren't fully aware of it.
- Ray: I was very aware of my feelings toward you, Fraser.
- Fraser: Well if you didn't know what I was planning, then why'd you follow along?
- Ray: I wasn't playing along, I was begging for my life!
- Fraser: Oh. Oh well, uh, my mistake.
- Ray: Mistake?! You coulda got me killed!
- Fraser: Well no, I'd never allow that - you're my friend. You're my best friend, I'd have to say.
- Ray: I am? [pause] Hey! Exactly how many "best friends" have you had?
- Ray Vecchio: Elaine you should have seen me. So I land on this conveyor belt and this guy, he jumps on my back, and then suddenly--
- Elaine: Fraser saves you.
- Ray: '[pause] No, no. I flipped the guy off, but then he grabs a crowbar, right? And he swings it at my--
- Elaine: Fraser grabs it.
- Ray: [frustrated] No. I duck and then out of nowhere--
- Elaine: Fraser appears.
- Ray: [evil grin] Did you know that he pins his wallet to his underwear?
- Elaine: Cool.
[Fraser looks slightly uncomfortable at Ray's comment]
- Benton Fraser: Well, actually, I was very young and the underwear was rather long and I... [Fraser turns from Elaine and looks for Ray] Ray?
- Elaine: Okay.
- Benton Fraser: All right, you come over, feed and water him twice a day, and I'll take him out when I get home at night. Deal?
- Willie: Deal.
- Fraser: It's twenty-five dollars a week, as long as you stay in school. [Fraser gives him Canadian money]
- Willie: Wait a minute. That, uh...
- Fraser: I know, I know. I'm sorry. Ray, would you mind?
- Ray Vecchio: Here, take the wallet. Just give me an allowance.
- Ray Vecchio: You can't keep doing this, you know.
- Benton Fraser: What's that?
- Ray: Romping through the streets of Chicago, rescuing widows and orphans as you may.
- Fraser: It's just one kid, Ray.
- Ray: You're not in a small town anymore. You can't rescue everyone you meet.
- Fraser: No, I understand.
- Street Bum: Hey Fraser, thanks for the boots!
- Fraser: Glad they fit, Gerome!
Diefenbaker's Day Off [1.02]
- [Fraser is walking down his hall]
- Benton Fraser: Morning, Mr. Mustafi. [door slams] Mr. Campbell. [door slams] Good morning, Mrs. Garcia. [door slams]
- Dr. Howard: Constable Fraser. I hear you're quite the Good Samaritan. I didn't know we had any left in this town.
- Benton Fraser: Well I'm sure any one of his neighbors would have done the same.
- Dr. Howard: [gives a skeptical look] Yeah. Well, Mr. Pike has suffered considerable soft tissue damage, but none of his injuries are life-threatening.
- Fraser: Thank you. Oh excuse me, Dr. Howard. Is there any medical reason why Charlie might be prone to these accidents? Perhaps an inner ear imbalance resulting from an old boxing injury?
- Dr. Howard: How did you know Charlie was a boxer?
- Fraser: Well, his nose cartilage has been reduced by almost 80%, and his left eye socket is raised about a half a centimeter above the right, indicating a slight shift in the cranial plates.
- Dr. Howard: Where did you study?
- Fraser: The Inuvik Public Library. My grandparents were librarians.
- Dr. Howard: You're kidding?
- Fraser: No.
- [Ray is sitting at a bar watching a game on TV]
- Ray: [his cell phone rings] Ma, I can't talk I'm on a stakeout.
- Benton Fraser: Uh, Ray?
- Ray: Benny! Benny, you gotta get down here right away. The Bears are finally kicking some butt!
- Fraser: [walking to his apartment door] Evening Mrs. Garcia. How are you tonight? [door slams] Evening Mrs. Campbell. [door slams]
- Benton Fraser: [to Diefenbaker] I brought you supper. Oh you know, I was hoping to, uh, be able to spend some time with you this evening, but I, uh, have a dinner engagement with a very nice woman that I meet in a parking lot. And I can't cancel it because I don't know her phone number - or her name for that matter. No, it's not what you're thinking. It isn't. And you know something? I-I-I don't appreciate your attitude. Y-y-y-you're very judgmental. Just because you were right once does not make you infallible. I am perfectly capable of handling myself in any situation. I am- I am a Mountie. [puts milk in cabinet instead of refrigerator]
- Mackenzie King: How much do you make?
- Benton Fraser: Me? Well it's in Canadian funds, so you have to deduct 38% , but, uh...
- Mackenzie: Enough.
- Fraser: About myself. Absolutely. Consulate work is pretty dull. Although there was this one passport case-
- Mackenzie: Wait a minute. You work at the consulate?
- Fraser: Well, yes. That's why I'm paid in Canadian funds. It's some- it's and odd governmental regulation.
- Mackenzie: So now you're denying you work with Charlie?
- Fraser: With Charlie? No, no. I could never be a professional boxer. I mean, in high school I-
- Mackenzie: I saw you bring him in. Are you telling me you don't feed patients to the clinic. You're not involved in this million dollar insurance scam? You're just this straight-arrow, do-gooding Mountie out to help the little guy? Tell me why I find that hard to believe.
- Fraser: Well, I understand your skepticism. Appearances can be deceiving. I mean, for example, you're a nurse, yet you wear extremely high heels to work. Which indicates either you haven't been a nurse for very long, or you have remarkable arches. Also, the way you hold your wrists suggests you spend many hours at a computer keyboard. And add to that, the slight crick in your neck, which indicates extended phone usage, and the minute traces of printer's ink under your three-quarter-inch nails. Which, by the way, must make bandaging quite a challenge. And a less trusting person might assume that you weren't a nurse at all. A less trusting person might assume that you work, say, for a newspaper. But then appearances can be deceiving.
- Mackenzie: And you've known this since...?
- Fraser: The parking lot. Also, you should check you tape recorders. I think either your battery is leaking or some liquid has spilled into the motor. From the smell of it, I would say... [sniffs] mace.
- Ray Vecchio: Okay, I'm on the edge of my seat. What's this huge moral dilemma you're carrying on your shoulders?
- Benton Fraser: I've given my word to a girl.
- Ray: Fraser, you do not have to marry every girl that you meet.
- Fraser: Oh no, it's...she's a very young girl.
- Ray: Well, then, you do have a problem.
- Ray Vecchio: [scoffs at the coffee he just bought] I can see you're making those minute adjustments to bring out the flavor, Hugo. [pours coffee into garbage]
- Ray Vecchio: [about a man involved in an insurance scam] So what's the dilemma? We bust him.
- Benton Fraser: Then I'd be breaking my word to the little girl.
- Ray: And this gives you a problem.
- Fraser: Yes.
- Ray: Oh.
- Fraser: And if I don't turn him in, then I'm withholding evidence of a crime.
- Ray: Very good, Benny. You can go to the head of the class.
- Fraser: So I've given it some thought and I've come up with the only...only logical solution: you have to arrest me.
- Ray: For what?
- Fraser: I can't tell you that.
- Ray: Well, then I'm not gonna arrest you.
- Fraser: But you have to.
- Ray: Well, I'm not.
- Fraser: You have to!
- Ray: Oh, I'm not!
- Fraser: You have to!
- Ray Vecchio: Okay, so how do you know the guy who paid Charlie's a fighter?
- Benton Fraser: His wrists. They were completely hairless, indicating he wears gloves that are tied tightly in a constant use.
- Ray: So we're tracking a guy with hairless wrists.
- Fraser: Also, the second knuckle of each hand is slightly lower than the others. His jaw clicked slightly when he spoke, indicating a fractured mandible. And his eyes had shifted downward and laterally in their sockets, cause, no doubt, by repeated blows to the zygomatic arch.
- Ray: Okay, that I'll buy. But how'd you know he worked out in this gym?
- Fraser: It was written on his t-shirt.
- Ray: You couldn't have said that in the first place? You had to go through the hairless wrists and the fractured mandibles?!
- Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray.
- Ray: Aw, man!
- [The trainer is taking care of Fraser's first boxing opponent, Fraser is tending to his second opponent, and Ray has a bag of ice to his face]
- Second Boxer: Ow!
- Benton Fraser: Sorry.
- Trainer: Your old man taught you how to box like that?
- Fraser: My grandmother, actually. Although I'm beginning to suspect that the book she used was somewhat outdated.
- Ray Vecchio: [hands ice pack to first Boxer] You're probably going to need this more than me. [to Fraser] Your grandmother?!
- Fraser: Yes.
- Ray: You think I can get a copy of that book?
- Benton Fraser: He's in on it.
- Ray Vecchio: Who?
- Fraser: The trainer.
- Ray: How do you know?
- Fraser: You'll get upset.
- Ray: No, I won't! Just enlighten me as to how, in the span of a two-minute conversation, you figured out that this guy's a criminal.
- Fraser: All right. Spittle.
- Ray: Spittle?
- Fraser: During the course of our conversation, he tried to spit several times, but he couldn't because his mouth was too dry, which would indicate that he's lying.
- Ray: So let me get this straight. This is what they do in the Yukon, they arrest everybody who doesn't drool?
- [Ray and Fraser are on a roof, watching a conversation using a telescope]
- Benton Fraser: They're going to kill Charlie.
- Ray Vecchio: You gotta teach me how to do that, with the lips.
- [Fraser prepares to climb down the side of the building]
- Ray: Hey, hey, hey! The stairs are right over there.
- Fraser: Oh, sorry.
- Fraser: That was a stop sign, Ray.
- [Ray speeds through another stop sign]
- Fraser: That was another stop sign, Ray.
- Dog Catcher: [to Diefenbaker] I gotcha! Where you going now, fella?
- Benton Fraser: Hi. Diefenbaker, remember what I told you. [to dog catcher] Benton Fraser, RCMP, and this is my dog. Uh, wolf.
- Dog Catcher: I thought that was a wolf. Well he's mine now, 'cause you sure as hell don't have a wolf license.
- Ray Vecchio" In fact, he does.
- Dog Catcher: You can't have this. It doesn't exist. It never did!
- Ray: Signed by the mayor himself. Special dispensation. Now unhand that wolf.
- Dog Catcher" [while leaving] Look what you did to my van!
- Fraser: You got it! I only asked you once, and you got it.
- Ray: Of course I got it. You asked me for it, right?
- Fraser: From the mayor himself?
- Ray: Well, no. Not exactly. You see, I didn't want to bother him, so what I did was I xeroxed a dog license and I put in "wolf". Wonderful things, photocopiers, huh
- [Fraser, dressed in his red Mountie uniform, is teaching Social Studies in an elementary classroom]
- Benton Fraser: ...which makes the border between Canada and the United States the longest undefended border in the world. So that since their formation, our countries have found a peaceful way to coexist. Except for the War of 1812, where your country invaded ours and we sent you packing - but that's hardly worth mentioning. Now, I think I'll open the floor to questions. [a boy raises his hand] Yes?
- Boy: Do you have to undo all your buttons to go to the toilet?
- Fraser: No. Anyone else? [the boy raises his hand again]
- Boy: How many do you have to undo?
- Fraser: Just enough to get your trousers undone. [the boy raises his hand yet another time] Yes.
- Boy: Do they have toilets in Canada?
- Fraser: Yes. We do. Anyone else? [the boy raises his hand] Anyone else a'tall? [the boy is frantically raising his hand] Any other questions a'tall?
- Ray Vecchio: [on phone] ...and you think this is the man who stole your cat? Claw marks on his cardigan, yes, that's very conclusive. Um, you know it's going to be a little difficult for me to break away from the case that I'm currently working on, but if you'd like to call back and ask for extension 312, Detectives Huey or Gardino would be glad to help you. Yes, they've been, uh, specially assigned to handle all animal-related offenses. No, ma'am, the pleasure's all mine. [hangs up, as Fraser walks in] How's it going?
- Benton Fraser: I need your help, Ray.
- Ray: Does it involve domestic animals?
- Fraser: Not that I'm aware.
- Ray: Then I'm your man.
- [Across the room, Detective Gardino's phone rings]
- Detective Gardino: Violent crimes, Detective Gardino. Cat, ma'am?
- [Ray and Fraser knock on Buck's door, then enter]
- Buck Frobisher: You track a man about as quietly as I pass wind.
- Ray Vecchio: I think I know who's after the old man. [holds up a mug shot] This came in over the wire so, as usual, I decided to drop my life and bring it on over.
- [Fraser is on duty outside the consulate; a man takes a picture of his wife and Fraser]
- Husband: Okay, that's it.
- [Buck appears with two horses]
- Buck Frobisher: Hop on, Son. We've got a villain to catch.
- Benton Fraser: [leaving his post] You ran away, but you brought your dress uniform with you?
- Buck: No, I rented it. If we don't catch him by Tuesday, I have to pay extra. Ready?
- Fraser: Ready.
- [the horses rear up and then take off; Buck stands up and puts his hat back on]
- Buck: Taxi!
- Elaine: [about the villain's accomplice] Escaped and at large. I'm printing out last knowns, but the parole office could have more current addresses. I'll call when I get them.
- Benton Fraser: Thank you kindly, Elaine.
- Ray Vecchio: You're a gem, Elaine. Come on boys, let's move.
- Buck Frobisher: We appreciate your thoughtfulness, Miss.
- Civilian Aid: Now there's a country that knows what to export.
- Elaine: Absolutely.
- [The door to the bar crashes open as Buck and Fraser enter]
- Buck Frobisher: May I have your attention, please. [Everything stops and all eyes are glaring at Buck and Fraiser] Thank you.
- Benton Fraiser: [whispering to Buck] Could I have one quick word?
- Buck: [Continuing] Anybody carrying illegal firearms please place them on the bar, you're under arrest. [guns are pulled out and cocked] That's very good. Now place them on the bar.
- Fraser: [to Buck] You see, I've been here before, and what I've found is this-
- Buck: Ah, right...local custom. Alright, we're prepared to overlook the firearms infractions, it being hunting season and all. [a knife is thrown and lands in the door post besid Buck's shoulder] No, no, sir. You keep that. All we want is information on the whereabouts of one Walter Ho.
- Thug holding Ray: You want to know where Ho is?
- Fraser: [to Buck] You see, it's usually at this point that they'll start shooting, so if I might suggest we take cover behind that small wall, there-
- Thug holding Ray: Vincent, tell them where your father is.
- Vincent: 956 Dearness Street.
- Buck: Thank you, young man. Excuse us. [while leaving] Very nice people, these Americans. You hear these stories, but...
- Ray Vecchio: I'm telling you, this is a waste of time. There's no way he gave you the right address. I mean, this is the guy's father.
- Buck Frobisher: You're right, could be a trap. Now, we go in, ready for battle. [they burst into a room full of elderly people playing bingo] Alright! Nobody move! Get your hands on the table! Get those daubers where I can see 'em! [to an old guy on a walker] You, Pops! Hands in the air! [he obeys, loses his balance, and falls backwards] Oh, sorry.
- [Outside the building the old guy is being carried off in on a stretcher]
- Ray: Did anyone check this guy's birthday before we started out on this manhunt? Walter Ho was 91 years old. Wouldn't you say the trail's a tad cold?
- Benton Fraser: Might have worked with Geiger early in his career.
- Ray: Early in his career?! This guy started out with the James gang! Alright, where to next?
- Buck: 907 Mill Street Road. I've run into this guy before, we're not going to find him in any bingo parlor. Trager, James.
- [They find themselves at the cementary]
- Buck: Born February 13, 1937. Died November 2, 1993.
- Ray: Okay, I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogation.
- [Fraiser is recovering from a deep knife wound to his leg]
- Nurse: You've got the room to yourself. Are you really a Mountie?
- Benton Fraiser: Yes, ma'am.
- Nurse: You know, I got a nephew in Canada. His name is Gerald Simpson. You know him?
- Fraser: Yes.
- Ray Vecchio: How's it going?
- Fraser: They tried to cut off my boots.
- Ray: No!
- Fraser: Right up the side. I wouldn't let them.
- Ray: Well, I don't blame you. Lose a leg, sure, but a good pair of boots isn't easy to replace. Does it hurt?
- Fraser: Yes, Ray.
- Ray: Would you like a little more fluid?
- Fraser: No thanks. How's Dief?
- Ray: Oh, I rented him "Rin Tin Tin". He's thrilled.
- Benton Fraser: [limping down the hall in his hospital gown] Ow, ow. Ray, could you?
- Ray Vecchio: Do I have to? [holds Fraser's gown closed]
- Fraser: Thanks, Ray.
- Ray: Where the hell did Frobisher go?
- Fraser: After Geiger.
- Ray: Where are you going?
- Fraser: To get my uniform.
- Ray: Then what?
- Fraser: Then we go after Frobisher. Ow.
- Ray: Oh yeah, this makes sense. We got half the police department after this guy, but is he going to worry about that? No, he's got two limping Mounties on his tail.
- Fraiser: Ow, ow.
- [Geiger is escaping so Buck jumps on a police motorcycle]
- Buck Frobisher: Stand back, son. There's a villain on the loose! [the motorcycle pulls a willie and goes flying down the street; Buck stands up from his place on the pavement] Taxi!
- Ray: Oh, no! You're tasting things again!!! Oh, that's the grossest thing I've ever seen!
- Buck: Look, one week ago, that man in there stole my self-respect. At least I let him steal it. Now I want him to know I'm taking it back, now. I'm going in alone.
- Fraser: I understand.
- Ray: You understand?! Let me suggest another interpretation to you: That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard in all my life!
- Buck: Alright, I won't be long.
- Fraser: Oh, one thing. If we should happen to feel that he's also stolen something from us...
- Buck: Well, you come too.
- Fraser: Good.
- Ray: This has gone far enough! Let me point something out to you that your sharp Mountie eyes might have missed. See those windows up there? There are men in those windows with sniper scopes and high-powered rifles. Do you see any cover between here and there? No. Which means there's no way to get from here to there without being seen or killed.
- Fraser: He's absolutely right.
- Ray: Which is a shame because if there was, I'd be the first to say, "Let's do it."
- Fraser: Hmm...unless...
- [the three are canoeing through the sewer]
- Ray: I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
- Fraser: Would you hold the lantern a little higher, Ray? If we bump the sides, we'll have to return the canoe scuffed.
- Ray: Do you have any idea what's in this water?
- Fraser: I would suspect a high percentage of ammonia, phosphorus, and cyanide.
- Ray: Wrong! Rats. [holds hands up] Rats this big. And you know what they're doing? They're laughing at us. I'm in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats.
They Eat Horses Don't They? [1.04]
- [Fraser cuts into a package of hamburger and sniffs it]
- Ray: Oh no! You're putting beef on your nose?! Stop that!
- Fraser: This meat is bad. [grabs another package and cuts into it]
- Ray: Well that's a shame because it looks really good on you. Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears?
- Benton Fraser: Excuse me, doctor. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
- Doctor: Uh, what's your connection here, Constable?
- Ray Vecchio: He does that a lot.
- Fraser: I think you're right about it being food poisoning, sir, but not from food that's been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat.
- Doctor: And why do you believe that?
- Fraser: Olfactory analysis.
- Doctor: You smelled it?
- Ray: He does that a lot, too.
- Ray Vecchio: Look, you can reach me or "the world's nicest person" through this number.
- [Ray and Fraser are in a dumpster looking for evidence]
- Ray Vecchio: You know, Fraiser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee-deep in day-old chicken heads, looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.
- Benton Fraser: Check that container there.
- Ray: Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn't have dumped it in here.
- Fraser: Well, perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.
- Ray: Yeah, and most if it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
- Fraser: I don't know, I've always been this way.
- Ray: [phone rings] Cia. It's Raymondo. [Fraser picks something off of Ray's coat] Ma! No, Ma, I did not forget the lettuce, okay?! [to Fraser] See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma, yes I got it. Look, look...no, I gotta go, Fraser's picking lint off me again. Alright. Bye. [to Fraiser] Thanks, but I don't think it's gonna help.
- Fraser: It might.
- Ray: What is it?
- Fraser: Parasites.
- Ray: Those were on me?!
- Fraser: Yes.
- [Ray yells and jumps out of the dumpster]
- Fraser: Ray?
- [Ray is trying to shower, but his family keeps barging into the bathroom because Fraser's in there]
- Francesca: [to Fraser] Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here!
- Maria: Didn't know! She's been standing in the doorway, timing it so you'd be undressed.
- Francesca: You're such a liar!
- Ray: I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?!
- Maria: Shut up!
- Francesca: Oh, who cares?! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my towels.
- Benton Fraser: Well thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.
- Francesca: Oh, don't be silly, it's really no trouble! [to Ray] Don't use all the hot water! [turns back to Fraser] I'll wait for mine.
- Maria: Yeah, by the keyhole.
- Francesca: You know, I've really had enough of your mouth!
- Ray Vecchio: Anyone seen a Mountie?
- [Zaleb invades Ray's personal bubble, clears his throat once, and then a second time when Ray doesn't move]
- Ray: You got a problem with something?
- Zaleb: You oughta move your foot.
- Ray: Maybe I don't want to move my foot.
- Zaleb: But if you don't move your foot, I can't get to that horse patty.
- Ray: [looks down at foot then back up] Why would you want that horse patty?
- Zaleb: I'm not telling.
- Ray: Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I'll move my foot.
- Zaleb: Never.
- Ray: I'm a cop.
- Zaleb: So what?
- Ray: Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure?
- Zaleb: I'd rather go to the chair than talk.
- Ray: You know what I just decided? [Zaleb shakes his head] I've just decided you are so nuts, I'm gonna let you have that patty.
- Benton Fraser: Excuse me. I was wondering if, before you leave...could I ask you a question?
- Stephanie Cabot: Yes?
- Fraser: Would it be possible for you to get me a breakdown of the various meat packers, the number of horses-
- Stephanie: [laughs] You know, that is the most unique come-on I have ever heard!
- Fraser: I don't follow you.
- Fraser: Ray, what's a "come-on"?
- Ray Vecchio: Yo! Manure man!
- Zaleb Carney: Leave me alone.
- Ray: Look, I just came to apologize. I shoulda never said you were nuts. You obviously do this for a very good reason, and you probably make a pretty good living at it, too.
- Zaleb: [suspiciously] You're not thinking of going into this yourself?
- Ray: You mean scooping? I have no immediate plans.
- Zaleb: An excellent living.
- Ray: Really.
- Zaleb: I collect and sell it for fertilizer.
- Ray: So you must know your-
- Zaleb: Like nobody else.
- Ray: So where do you find it all?
- Zaleb: Stables, pony rides, but they're not my biggest source...
- Ray: Meat packing plants.
- Zaleb: The mother load.
- Ray: Let me ask you a question. Have you noticed any subtle differences in the product at these various plants?
- Zaleb: I'll check my database.
- Ray: Great. Here's my card, give me a call. And to show my appreciation, I'm gonna point out that you missed something really nice behind that bucket, there.
- Zaleb: Why, thank you!
- [Ray and Fraser are trapped inside a meat locker. Both have meat wrapped around them and Ray is wearing Fraser's Stetson]
- Ray Vecchio: Some people die in their sleep. Others die making love to a beautiful woman. I am going to die wrapped in meat.
- Benton Fraser: Don't talk, Ray. You're expending body heat.
- Ray: I'm going to freeze to death inside My Friend Flicka.
- Vince Leggett: This better be real important.
- Packer: We got a cop and a Mountie in the freezer.
- Leggett: [Laughing] That's what I love about the meat business. Brings something new everyday.
- [Packer opens the door to the meat locker where Ray and Fraser are wrapped in meat]
- Packer: Shoot 'em!
- [Fraser leaps into action, warding off the thugs. A thug shoots at Fraser, but Fraser uses a solid, meat-wrapped, Ray as a shield. He and Ray quickly exit the meat locker]
- Ray Vecchio: He shot me!
- Benton Fraser: The bullet couldn't penetrate the frozen meat.
- [Fraser locks the door and adjusts the temperature]
- Ray: You used me as a human shield! [whispering] I can't believe you did that!
- [Fraser and Stephanie helped Mrs. Gamez move back into her apartment]
- Mrs. Gamez: And I really want to thank him for everything he has done. In fact, I want to give him a big hug, but I'm afraid I will wrinkle him.
- Stephanie: I know what you mean.
- [Mario has just spent some time listening to Ray talk about his policeman adventures]
- Benton Fraser: [Ray has just exited] Thanks. I think you really made his day.
- Mario Gamez: It's okay, he actually was interesting.
- Fraser: Really? Hmm...
Pizza and Promises [1.05]
- Ray Vecchio: Fraser, there are hundreds of places that make pizza. What I'm looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
- Benton Fraser: Which is?
- Ray: Free. And that's exactly what this'll be in 34 seconds. There's no way he can get a pizza here from Michigan Avenue in under a half-hour.
- Fraser: You mean you're using some promotional ploy in order to get something for nothing?
- Ray: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.
- [Fraser has jumped from the top of a building onto a stolen, speeding car]
- Benton Fraser: Please stop immediately. This is not your automobile!
- [Diefenbaker is chasing a stolen car]
- Benton Fraser: [about Dief] Stop him!
- Ray Vecchio: Un-mush! Un-mush!
- [Dief slips by Ray and continues chasing the car]
- Fraser: Where's your car?
- Ray: Lot B. You ought to get that dog a hearing aid!
Fraser: [Sees 'no dogs' sign outside of restaurant] Oh, dear. [To Dief] You see that sign? That includes you.
Fraser: No, no, no, you can't take that attitude! It's a health regulation, there's a very good reason for it.
Vecchio: Yeah - you stink!
Fraser: Ray, please. He's already feeling excluded.
Vecchio: Well, he should feel excluded. He's an animal!
Fraser: Well, there you go. Now you've done it. Satisfied?
Vecchio: Strangely, yes!
Vecchio: Oh, no, Benny, not the window! I don't think they have doors in Canada.
Fraser: Sir, perhaps I can be of assistance?
Agent Ford: Who's he?
Welsh: He's a Mountie.
Ford: What's he doing here?
Welsh: I'm never entirely sure.
Vecchio: Are you nuts? The kid's done for! The FBI guys couldn't find Waldo if they took the book home for the weekend!
Vecchio: I'm sitting in a closet with a Mountie being licked by a deaf wolf! ...That was the wolf, wasn't it?
Fraser: Yes, Ray.
Vecchio: Oh, thank God.
Fraser: [to Dief] Well, are you coming?
[Dief turns and runs away]
Fraser: You know, you let a wolf save your life... they make you pay, and pay, and pay.
Vecchio: That's why I don't own a wolf.
Fraser: We're eavesdropping! Aren't we?
Veccio: I'll make sure they take away your merit badge later.
Thug: You're a cop. You won't shoot me.
Vecchio: I'm not that good a cop.
Fraser: Nice shot, by the way, knocking it out of the guy's hand.
Vecchio: Oh, you liked that?
Fraser: I was impressed.
Veccio: I thought you would be.
Fraser: You were aiming for...
Vecchio: His chest.
Fraser: Oh. I think I should adjust your sights.
Vecchio: I'd appreciate that.
Chicago Holiday, Part 1 [1.08]
Fraser: [to Dief] You know, I don't even know why I bother talking to you when you're in these kinds of moods. May I be frank? I only started talking to you on the ice floe out of sheer boredom. Now you've got an opinion on virtually everything!
Welsh: Do we have cause of death?
Coroner: Judging from the hole in his back, I'm ruling out asphyxiation.
Fraser: [in S&M club] Would anyone happen to have a pair of handcuffs?
[everyone in club holds up a pair]
Fraser: Thank you!
Chicago Holiday, Part 2 [1.09]
Fraser: Madame DeFarge, Detective Vecchio and I are on the trail of a particularly brutal killer, and we'd be appreciative of any assistance you could give us.
Madame DeFarge: Make him say please.
Vecchio: I'm not gonna say it.
Vecchio: [grudgingly] Please.
Christina: What were you running away from?
Fraser: Oh, it was a very tortured scenario. It involved a gold mine, a boomerang, and a tank full of gasoline. It's all ancient history, though.
Fraser: Eddie was after the purse, and Christina dumped the purse out in her hotel room.
Vecchio: It's not there.
Fraser: Not now, but it was. If Eddie didn't take it, and Janice didn't take it, then somebody else must have taken it.
Vecchio: There's nobody else! We're all out of bad guys!
Fraser: Just keep your elbows out to the side - it'll slow your descent. [He jumps down the trash chute]
Vecchio: My descent?! God, the most annoying man in the world... [Climbs into chute after Fraser]
Fraser: You are under - [Criminal pulls out gun] Oh, dear!
Fraser: I said run!
Christina: You told me to stop running.
Fraser: Yes, but I was talking about running away from the problems with your father, this is about running away from someone who quite probably will shoot you, that's an entirely different thing!
Fraser: Sometimes, if you stand still, the world comes to you.
A Cop, A Mountie, and a Baby [1.10]
Louise: The Mountie! Have you guys seen the Mountie?
Wino (Jesse): Do you have an appointment?
Vecchio: Your hair is who you are, Fraser. It makes a statement.
Fraser: Oh, I see. What does it say?
Fraser: Your hair. What is it saying?
Vecchio: At the moment?
Vecchio: Well, let's see. [Uses napkin dispenser as a mirror] It's, uh, straight and slicked-back, so I guess it's got that mess-with-me-and-you're-dead style, good for the job. The contouring around the ears... that's unexpected, uh, that says... watch out, this guy might be dangerous. And then the feathering around the back? Well, that's a nod to the female demographic. So, what's it saying? It's saying, deadly and dangerous but not afraid to cry.
Fraser: Really! [He picks up the napkin dispenser] What does my hair say?
Vecchio: Oh, that's not hair, Fraser - that's pelt.
Vecchio: Oh, come on, Fraser, don't give me that big-eyed Mountie look!
Fraser: And make the puffin face.
[Fraser makes a face. The baby giggles]
Vecchio: I am not gonna make the puffin face!
Fraser: Make the puffin face.
Vecchio: I don't even know what a puffin is!
[Fraser makes the face]
Vecchio: Oh, you look ridiculous.
Louise: They... they say that you believe in people. That you're the only one in the neighborhood without locks on his doors.
Fraser: Yes... well, that's not entirely intentional.
Vecchio: Someone stole 'em.
Vecchio: Okay, we saved his life for fifteen seconds, now what?
Fraser: You take the big one, I'll take the bigger one.
Vecchio: Fraser, there's three of them. Can't I just shoot them?
Villain: Are you gonna call him off?
Fraser: Diefenbaker, off! He never listens.
Vecchio: I think she was nearsighted.
Vecchio: Chick with the bike.
Fraser: Oh, you mean at the coffee shop?
Fraser: Well, she was probably too young for you, Ray.
Vecchio: No, no, it's not her, it's just that she didn't notice my je ne sais quois.
Fraser: [puzzled] From the French, meaning 'I don't know what'?
The Gift of the Wheelman [1.11]
Vecchio: Ohhhh, no. I know that tone in your voice. You think I'm being cheap.
Fraser: No! I think there's nothing wrong with being frugal, Ray, and if you can't afford to buy presents, well, getting them for opening a bank account is a viable if not inventive alternative.
Santa 1: You know how much money I'm losing right now? Every kid that sits on my lap I get two bucks.
Det. Jack Huey: Yup.
Santa 1: I can go through forty kids an hour!
Santa 2: I can do fifty.
Santa 1: Bull. No one can do fifty and live!
Welsh: In our zeal to solve this case, I can't help but wonder if we haven't been... I don't know, how do you say it? 'Excessively stupid'?
Vecchio: Look, kid, you're not the only one who saw a face. This guy was so close to you he could count your pores. How hard do you think it'll be for him to find out where you live? You put the finger on this guy and we can protect you, but if you don't -
Fraser: - we'll still protect you.
Vecchio: Maybe he will, but I won't, and no other cop will either!
Vecchio: [on phone] I brought over the wire tap request in person, sir, but his Honor had consumed a great deal of Christmas cheer and started cursing at me in Norwegian. [pause] I wasn't aware he spoke it either, sir!
Vecchio: I learned two things from my father. One, timing - mostly when to duck. And two... you never hit a kid, 'cause it doesn't teach them anything.
Fraser Sr.: [as ghost] Hello, son.
Fraser: Hello, dad. How are you?
Fraser Sr.: I'm dead, son. Other than that, do you mean?
Fraser: No, that's what I was asking.
Fraser: Is there any insanity in our family?
Fraser Sr.: No, not that I'm aware of.
Fraser: [relieved] Good.
Fraser Sr.: Well, there was your uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.
Jimmy Donnelly: Everyone gets to make one mistake. [shoots Robert] And that was yours. [to his brother] See what he got us.
Cameron Donnelly: Far Side calendars!
Jimmy Donnelly: Oh, I love those!
Fraser Sr.: Count to three and rise up together shooting!
Fraser: I don't carry a weapon.
Fraser Sr.: You what?
Fraser: I don't carry a weapon!
Fraser Sr.: Is that smart, son?
Fraser: Well, it's the law, dad.
Fraser Sr.: No time for niceties. [pulls out his gun] Here, use mine.
Fraser: Well, I appreciate the offer, but it's imaginary.
Fraser Sr.: [disappointed] Oh. So it is.
Fraser Sr.: What you need, son, if you don't mind me saying, is a good solid plan.
[Fraser picks up a rock]
Fraser Sr.: Or, you could just throw a rock.
Fraser: Drive, quick! Before he comes back!
Fraser: My father. Drive. Go!
Vecchio: Fraser, your father's dead!
Fraser: I know, and I don't mean to speak ill of him, it's just he's driving me nuts.
Vecchio: Your father.
Fraser: He's not really here. I know that. It's all in my mind. It's just he refuses to stay there, or rather, he refuses to leave there. I don't really understand it, but I'll tell you, it's beginning to wear a little thin! I mean, does he think I'm completely ignorant? The next thing he's going to do, he's going to try to show me how to light a fire! You know, Ray, I've got half a mind just to tell him to pack up and move out?
Vecchio: Of your mind.
Fraser Sr.: Hello, son.
Fraser: Oh, god, he's back.
You Must Remember This [1.12]
Vecchio: Fraser, parking illegally in this town is a sport.
Vecchio: What about the woman?
Elaine: You know, funny thing, I'm a having trouble matching the word 'exquisite' to a lot of mug shots.
Det. Louis (Louie) Gardino: Look, I can't see why we aren't playing for real money. I mean, we're cops! What are we gonna do, arrest ourselves?
Vecchio: No, but he will.
Fraser: I'm sorry. I would feel honor-bound.
Fraser: You know... there was a woman once, Ray. We were, uh... I don't know what we were. In the end I tracked her up above the 62nd parallel, to a place called Fortitude Pass. A storm had been blowing for days, the whole world was white. By the time I found her I'd lost everything - my packs, my supplies... everything. She was huddled in the lee side of a mountain crag. She was almost frozen, very near death, so I staked a lean-to, draped my coat across it, and dragged her inside and I covered her body with my own, and I just held her, while the storm closed around us like a blanket, until all I could hear was the sound of her heartbeat. Weakening. I forced her to speak to me, just... talk to me, say anything just to keep the cold from taking her. And it snowed for a day, and a night, and a day, and I was delirious. I almost gave up. The only thing I had to hold onto was the sound of her voice, which never wavered. She recited a poem. You know the funny thing? I must have heard that poem... a thousand times that night, but I never heard the words. It ended... badly. She had a... she had a darkness inside her... and the most beautiful voice. The most beautiful voice you ever heard.
[He looks over at Ray. Ray has fallen asleep.]
Frank Bodine: He's a Mountie. These Mounties, they catch you sooner or later. I hate that.
Suzanne Chapin: That's not real life, Frank. That's Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Huey: You're never gonna track a cell. It's a nightmare.
Fraser: Not really. Not if you've tracked caribou.
[Louie rolls his eyes]
Vecchio: Fraser? Let's try this one more time, okay? We're in Chicago. We're not tracking caribou. We're tracking gunrunners.
Fraser: Ray, I don't mean to press the point, but we're standing behind a 1971 Buick Riviera. They, on the other hand, are hurtling down a hill at roughly 47 miles an hour in a six-ton steel-plated military weapons carrier.
Vecchio: Works for me!
Louie: See, that is the great thing about love. It evens the odds. Anyone can be completely humiliated.
Vecchio: That kiss meant something.
Chapin: Yeah - it meant 'step closer so I can hit you'.
A Hawk and a Handsaw [1.13]
Vecchio: Why are you doing this to me, Fraser?
Fraser: Well, I told him I'd help.
Vecchio: You tell that to everybody!
Vecchio: Fraser, there's a guy on my corner who asks me every morning if I've seen God. Do you think he really expects me to point him out?
Fraser: Well, you know, if you did, Ray, perhaps he'd stop asking.
Fraser: You know, the Inuit have sixty words to describe snow, Ray. One third of them concern the color.
Vecchio: Eskimos don't have a lot to do in the winter, huh?
Fraser: Delusional people don't simply make things up.
Vecchio: Yes, they do! That's the unique quality that makes them delusional!
Fraser: There's something going on inside that hospital, Ray.
Vecchio: You're crazy!
Fraser: That's a good idea.
Psychiatrist: So you're a Mountie, are you?
Fraser: A Constable. Royal Canadian Mounted Police, yes.
Psychiatrist: Here in Chicago.
Fraser: Well, you see, I used to live in the Yukon. But I uncovered a plot that involved drowning caribou, and then some men who were dressed in white came after me with homicidal intentions. It's a rather long story - it takes exactly two hours to tell - but the upshot of it was that I was sent here. [conspiratorially] I think I embarrassed some people in the government.
Psychiatrist: Do you have anyone who can vouch for you here?
Fraser: Well, yes. There's my wolf. Although, I'm not sure he would vouch for me - if you know anything about lupine behavior you know how moody they are, and on top of that, he's deaf.
Fraser: [notices peephole in the wall] Ray, who did you tell you were coming here?
Vecchio: Nobody, why? [he is grabbed by a thug with a gun] I misunderstood the question, I told everybody I know! I told the State's Attorney, I told the Sheriff, I even told my mother!
Martins: Don't come out here! Not unless you want them scraping us both off the pavement.
Vecchio: Am I wearing a funny hat? Do I look like a Mountie? Jump! What do I care?
An Eye For An Eye [1.14]
Vecchio: This what's wrong with you, Fraser. You see a problem and you've gotta fix it. You can't even go to the men's room without stopping to tell some simple, stupid, charmingly witty Inuit story that inspires people to take on the world's social ills.
Fraser: Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but I fail to see how a small group of people banding together to form a neighborhood watch constitutes a form of political anarchy.
First Old Man: No! This is my post! Sixteenth and Morgan, it's marked right here on the map!
Second Old Man: You're guarding my building? You, who twice cheated me at canasta?
First Old Man: I didn't cheat you, old fool! You fell asleep and missed your turn!
Vecchio: Oh, the neighborhood's definitely in safe hands now.
Vecchio: Aw, no, Fraser - not another dumpster! I am not getting in a dumpster with you.
Vecchio: Gimme the bat!
Vecchio: Come on! Now be a good kid, and give the detective the bat.
Kid: No! I found it. Get your own!
Vecchio: Give it!
Fraser: Ray. Ray. Now, children are just like people, only smaller. All you have to do is reason with them. [crouches down] Now, son, that bat is important evidence in a criminal investigation, and we'd be most grateful if you'd cooperate.
Kid: A hundred bucks!
Fraser: I see. Ray?
Vecchio: Okay, kid - can you spell 'penitentiary'? Let's try it together: P-E-N-
Kid: Okay! Here!
Fraser: Leftenant, the responsibility for this is entirely mine.
Welsh: Oh, I'm sure it is. You know, just once I'd like somebody who isn't a Mountie to come into my station and confess.
Fraser: Thank you very kindly, Leftenant - and as usual, our conversation has been extremely helpful.
Welsh: I'm so glad, Constable.
Fraser: Also, sir, I think you'll be pleased to know that I've taken the liberty of officially reprimanding myself.
Welsh: Good, good. Put it in the file with the rest of them.
Vecchio: You're not a mind reader, Fraser, you're just Canadian. Come on - maybe he'll blurt out a spontaneous confession.
Fraser: Ray, gates.
Vecchio: I know. [drives through them]
Fraser: Ray, sapling!
Fraser: Twelve o'clock.
Vecchio: [runs it over] Got it!
Vecchio: Fraser, what are you doing?
Fraser: I thought I'd let him shoot me, Ray. All Mr. Colling has to do is shoot me, and then he can shoot him.
Vecchio: Well, as long as you've got a plan.
The Man Who Knew Too Little [1.15]
Vecchio: Yo, you guys wanna move, or do you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like?
Welsh: So, you really thought you could get this assignment by sucking up to me, Detective?
Vecchio: Oh, no sir - a man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that, sir!
Vecchio: Okay, so, at ninety-five miles an hour, how long's it gonna take?
Fraser: I can't tell you that, Ray. It would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists.
Vecchio: Okay, so, say ninety?
Vecchio: You know what your problem is, Fraser? You can't do around compulsively telling people the truth. They just don't want to hear it.
Fraser: Well, I explained the situation to him, and he was extremely helpful.
Vecchio: Did he rent you a car?
Fraser: No, but he doesn't have any.
Vecchio: What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars in this lot!
Fraser: Unfortunately, they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also, I thought it was in November...
Vecchio: This is a 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera.
Fraser: You know, Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone who will lend me a car.
Vecchio: How many people have we asked?
Fraser: Well... uh, basically, everyone I know. It does seem rather curious they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time...
Vecchio: Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle there is one thing to remember and hold above all else: never, I repeat never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter and since I've owned it it's never been depressed.
Fraser: Then... how do you know it works?
Vecchio: I know in my soul.
Ian: Are you sure you know where we are?
Vecchio: Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration.
Ian: Aw, come on! I haven't eaten since the lock-up! I know my rights. You have to feed me every six hours.
Vecchio: Yeah, well, it's only been five.
Ian: Six! We passed a time zone.
Vecchio: That doesn't count! Fraser, you tell him.
Fraser: Well, actually, Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point. One argument, extended to its logical conclusion, would provide that if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour, then you would never actually have to feed the prisoner. That is, of course, until you crossed the international date line, at which point you would have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals.
Vecchio: Are you telling that story for my benefit? Because a) I don't believe it and b) I don't care.
Vecchio: All right, MacDonald - you wanna tell us who wants you dead, excluding the immediate occupants of this car?
Ian: All right, you want the real truth? Here it is: those guys are part of the Canadian mob.
Vecchio: There's no such thing!
Fraser: On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada.
Vecchio: Oh, yeah? What are we talking about here, conspiracy to commit jaywalking? Organized littering?
Ian: The guy in the hat? Danny 'The Bull' Brock. One of his guys stiffed him on a count so he took him into an alley and shot him eight times.
Vecchio: So is that one time with eight bullets, or eight separate times? Because in America, after the third trip down the same alley we'd start to get a little suspicious.
Vecchio: My shoe! Mother Nature just ate my shoe!
Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray.
Vecchio: Your father never shut up, did he?
Fraser: He said a man with no future will always run to his past.
Vecchio: And when did this come up, Fraser? Were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt 'em out?
Fraser: Ray, there's no need to be sarcastic.
Vecchio: No, I'm just curious. How did he work these things into every day conversation? Did he say, 'Son, did you see the size of that moose? And by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past'?
Fraser: He went that way.
Vecchio: Why? Does a man with no future always turn left?
Vecchio: Fraser, look at me. I have one shoe, I'm covered in mud, and I'm standing with a wolf and a guy dressed as who-knows-what. No one in their right mind is gonna stop and give us a lift without the threat of deadly force.
Canadian Motorist: You folks stranded, eh?
Motorist: Go on, eh! How'd you know?
Canadian Motorist: If you're ever in Sarnia, drop by!
Fraser: Oh, thank you kindly!
Vecchio: Thanks! [aside] Fraser, if I'm ever in Sarnia, shoot me with a big gun.
Vecchio: [firing gun blindly] I think I got their windshield!
Fraser: Every little bit helps, Ray.