Eerie, Indiana

From Wikiquote
Jump to: navigation, search

Eerie, Indiana (1991–1992) Marshall Teller and his family move to the small town of Eerie, Indiana (Pop. 16,661). There, Marshall discovers that Eerie, as he puts it, "is the center of weirdness for the universe".



Forever Ware [1.1][edit]

Marshall Teller: To whom it may concern:
If you're reading this document, it means I'm either dead or have disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My name is Marshall Teller. Not long ago, I was living in New Jersey, just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted, and full of crime. I loved it. But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me. So we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky clean, you could only find it on TV. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough... but look again. What's wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but this is the center of weirdness for the entire planet: Eerie, Indiana. My home, sweet home. Still don't believe me?
You will.
...
Marshall: Ever since moving here, I've been convinced that something is very wrong with Eerie, Indiana. I tried telling myself there was a logical explanation for everything, but logic doesn't apply here.
That's my family. They're all too busy to see what's going on. Mom just started her own party planning service down at the Eerie Mall. My sister Syndi's practising for her driver's test. Personally, I don't think anybody who spells Syndi S-Y-N-D-I should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle. Dad works for Things Incorporated, a product testing company. Dad's job is one of the reasons we moved here, because, statistically speaking, Eerie's the most normal place in the entire country.
Statistics lie.

Betty Wilson: Oh, and one last thing: I always like to leave a special sample behind, as a little thank you. Here's one of our super sandwich savers, it's yours to keep, no obligation of course. And, if you're hungry, the baloni sandwich inside is as fresh as the day it was made. In 1974. Of course, you've always got to make sure the lids are sealed tight, otherwise the aging process is... accelerated.
Marilyn Teller: Oh, of course.
Betty: Otherwise, Forever Ware is guaranteed, when used as directed, to keep anything fresh... forever.

The Retainer [1.2][edit]

Marshall Teller: Eerie, Indiana, day 45. I knew my hometown was going to be different from where I grew up in New Jersey, but this is ridiculous. Nobody believes me, but Eerie is the centre of weirdness for the entire planet. Item: A guy that looks suspiciously like Elvis lives on my paper route. Item: Bigfoot eats out of my trash. Item: A bizarre housewife cult in town has been sealing up their kids in giant rubber kitchenware so they don't age. And now, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I discovered that in Eerie, even man's best friend is up to no good. When I try to tell this to my family, they just think I'm weird.
Better weird than dead.
...
Marshall: Even if I tell my parents, they won't believe me. They'll just think I'm homesick, or worse yet, crazy. You see, hideous pain and the fact I'll look goofy don't have anything to do with why I don't want a retainer. It's dogs I'm worried about. It all started with a guy named Steve Konkolewski. Steve had the biggest teeth in the 7th grade. I mean we're talking major surfboards.

Marshall: What do you want?
Fifi: What do we want? What do we want?! Brothers and sisters, tell these puny bipeds what we want!
Dog 2: No more leashes!
Dog 3: Let them sleep outside! See how they like it!
Dog 4: Down with kibble!
Dog 5: Ban obedience school!
Dog 6: No more stupid pet tricks!
Dog 7: No more deworming!
All dogs: And no more neutering!

ATM With A Heart Of Gold [1.3][edit]

Marshall Teller: When Dad created Mr. Wilson, the friendly automated teller machine, he had no idea what was going to happen to Eerie. Everybody's heard of the savings and loan scandal. Well, what happened to my best friend Simon is even weirder.
...
Marshall: Everybody knows money can't buy you happiness. But Simon was about to find out money can buy you big, big trouble.

Marshall: In New Jersey, we had the usual convenience stores. We had a Stop N' Snack, the Pick N' Go, even a Save N' Haul. But here in Eerie, we've got the World O'Stuff, the place that invented one stop shopping. The World O'Stuff is run by a weird guy named Radford. Everytime I saw him, he was in a different disguise. I can't prove it, but I think he's in the witness protection program.

Simon: You know what's weird?
Marshall: Besides Eerie?
Simon: They always tell ya, you can't buy friends, but I think you can. You know, guys like Nick and Eddie. But it's like buying expensive tennis shoes, they cost way too much and they won't last very long.

The Losers [1.4][edit]

Marshall Teller: Eerie, Indiana, day 94. You wouldn't believe how easy it is to lose stuff here. I mean stuff that was there a minute ago would just vanish the moment you turn your back. Gone, disappeared, lost forever. I figure, Eerie is caught in some electromagnetic vortex that messes up the tracking system we humans use to find stuff. Funny, but it seems to be hitting Dad the hardest.

Marshall: Without warning, I was on a bumpy slide to the centre of the Earth. I was ready for anything... except what actually happened.
...
Marshall: I had no idea what hole I'd fallen through to land here, in the Bureau of Lost. But this made Alice in Wonderland look like a day at the beach.

Scariest Home Videos [1.5][edit]

Marshall Teller: Back in Jersey, Halloween was my favourite holiday. When else can a non-adult wear a disguise and roam around after dark, forcing people to give you candy for no good reason and then trash their house if they don't? But here in Eerie, things are different. There's no telling who or what you might bump into around these parts. Simon and I had to be prepared for anything.

Simon Holmes: Flashlight?
Marshall: Check.
Simon: Moist towelettes?!
Marshall: In case we get egged.
Simon: Bug spray?
Marshall: In case we get bugged.
Simon: Clean underwear?
Marshall: In case we get scared.

Simon: Wow! Never thought I'd see a mummy, a dead person and a movie star all in one day.
Marshall: All in one guy.

Just Say No Fun [1.6][edit]

Marshall Teller: "A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence." That's what my dad says. He also says sometimes Simon and I are too smart for our own good. We were just a couple of wise guys trying to have some fun. We weren't looking for trouble, but in Eerie, trouble always has a way of finding us.

Marshall: Eerie, Indiana, Item #38: Zombie Glasses. The ultimate tool of mental fascism. Nurse Nancy wanted order and discipline. She wanted boring drones that loved homework. Sure, that's okay sometimes, but give me a little chaos and fun any day.

Heart On A Chain [1.7][edit]

Marshall Teller: Death isn't exactly something I think about. But ever since I lost my goldfish Nosferatu in second grade, I knew death was a part of life, and part of growing up. Thing is, here in Eerie, especially in Eerie, death and life - death, love, and growing up - seem to be all kind of mixed up sometimes. So it should come as no surprise that the first time I ever really kissed Melanie Monroe, we were in the Eerie cemetery.
Too bad we weren't alone.

Devon Wilde: Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse.

The Dead Letter [1.8][edit]

Marshall Teller: The Eerie library needed some fast cash to pay for renovations, so some of the old books that were down in the library basement got sent to the World O'Stuff and put up for sale. We're talking old books, books that haven't seen the light of day for years.

Who's Who [1.9][edit]

Marshall Teller: The World O'Stuff was overrun by barbarians - little barbarians. If you gave these guys an island and no parents, they'd be Lord Of The Flies. It was every customer for himself. Luckily, I was just there to use the phone. My bike had disappeared moments before and I was calling my Mom for a ride home.

The Lost Hour [1.10][edit]

Marshall: Being 13 years old, I'd never thought much about time. I guess when you're a kid, you just figure you've got plenty of time to think about it later. Well, here in Eerie, nothing could be further from the truth.


Marshall's Theory Of Believability [1.11][edit]

Marshall Teller: It's easy to believe almost anything when you consider just how big the universe is. It's even easier to believe the inbelievable here in my little corner of the universe. That's why, when Professor Nigel Zircon rolled into town with his travelling museum of the parabelievable, Simon and I were the first in line.

Tornado Days [1.12][edit]

Marshall: Back in New Jersey, we had blizzards and the occasional hurricane, but it was Equal Opportunity weather: it went after everybody. But here in Eerie, Indiana, I couldn't help feeling that the bad weather was after me personally. Especially tornadoes. Tornadoes are 200 mile-an-hour windstorms with minds of their own. But here in Eerie, instead of taking shelter in their basements, people celebrated something called Tornado Day.

Marshall: Eerie, Indiana, Day 139. He said his name was Howard Raymer and that he fell out of a tornado. Even on the Eerie Scale of Weirdness from 1 to 10, 10 being the weirdest, this was definately a 9... and a half.
...
Howard: It's incredibly dangerous, but, hey, somebody's got to do it. I work for NOAA.
Simon Holmes: The guy from the Bible?
Howard: No, no, no, NOAA. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. I'm a meteorologist.
Marshall: I've never met a weatherman before.
Howard: No, weathermen are guys who wear stupid pink bowties on TV. A meteorologist is a scientist.

The Hole In The Head Gang [1.13][edit]

Marshall Teller: It seems like every town has a haunted house and a creepy story that goes with it. Kids all dare each other to go inside, but nobody ever does, because a friend-of-a-friend knows a guy that went in - and never came out. Every town has one, but here in Eerie, Simon and I have counted over 50 haunted structures. Today, we were checking out number 51...
...
Marshall: The weirdest thing happened down at the World O'Stuff. It turns out the reason Radford always acted so weird was because he wasn't really Radford. He was Fred Suggs, compulsive imposter. Evidently, the real Radford had been tied up in the basement the whole time.

Dash X: See, three months ago, I wake up here in Weirdsville, Indiana and I don't remember anything. How I got here. Who I am. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Not even my own name.
Simon Holmes: Wow.
Dash X: Yeah. No mom. No dad. Just me looking out for myself. I crash wherever I can and I dumpster dive for food.
Simon: Why don't you go to the police for help?
Dash X: This town doesn't exactly take kindly to strangers. And, in case you haven't noticed, anyone who is even remotely normal qualifies as a stranger around here.

Mr Chaney [1.14][edit]

Marshall Teller: I wasn't the only one who thought this Harvest King hoopla was for the birds. I hadn't seen that weird kid with the grey hair since our little adventure with the ghost of Grungy Bill. I could tell he wasn't somebody to mess with. It seems we were the only two guys not buying lottery tickets. Why - did he know something I didn't? The Harvest King gets all sorts of dorky prizes, but then he must go out into the woods during a full moon until he catches a glimpse of the mysterious Eerie Wolf. What I wanted to know was - how come there's no such thing as an ex-Harvest King?

Marshall: Guys, we're just wasting our time, I'm doomed to being a teenage werewolf.

[about the sideburns he grew after being scratched by a werewolf]
Marshall: Think my parents will notice?
Simon Holmes: Knowing your parents, nah.
Marshall: Well, if they do, I'll just chock it up to puberty.
Simon: Puberty. Now that's eerie.
Marshall: Just wait 'til it's your turn.

No Brain, No Pain [1.15][edit]

Marshall: Simon and I had decided to make a rare appearance with the family, stuffing ourselves at the Dragon of The Black Pool Chinese restaurant. It's a place where the egg rolls aren't too shabby, and the fortune cookies are the kind you can only find in Eerie.

...

Dad's fortune was not only weird... but it came true.

Syndi Teller: That's Todd-ski and Donna-ski.
Charles: They take your b-b-brain too?

Marshall: Thanks to the Brainalizer, my nine-year-old buddy, Simon, now had an Einsteinian intellect - and a pretty snobby personality to boot.

The Loyal Order Of Corn [1.16][edit]

Marshall Teller: Sometimes it gets tough battling the forces of Eerie by myself, even with a little help from Simon, but I always thought I could count on Mom and Dad for a dose of normality. But then Dad joined The Loyal Order of Corn, Eerie's version of the Moose Lodge, and started spending all his free time there, which drove Mom crazy. I'd never even noticed the place.
Kind of makes me wonder what else I haven't noticed.

Marshall: While penetrating the inner sanctum of the Loyal Order of Corn, my trusted associate Simon somehow got transmitted to the planet Mars - no thanks to my untrusted non-associate who insisted on being called Dash X!

Marshall: The next morning, Mom and Dad claimed to have no memory of the events at the Lodge. And Radford changes the subject whenever I bring it up. But that won't stop me, Simon and our semi-friend Dash X from digging deeper, because in Eerie, Indiana, when you scrape away the surface weirdness, what you find is more weirdness.

Zombies in P.J's [1.17][edit]

Marshall Teller: Credit is weird. People love to buy stuff with it, especially stuff they don't need. But when it comes time to pay, they'll do anything not to. Especially if they are broke - like me.

Marshall: As Simon and I approached the World O'Stuff it became clear that I wasn't the only one who was shopping in his dreams.
...
Marshall: You gotta stop this. They don't even know what they're buying.
The Donald: Hey, it's the American way.
Marshall: Listen, mister, nobody turns my family into zombies and gets away with it.
The Donald: They're not zombies, they're consumers.

Marshall: The Donald wasn't a good loser. There are only two things that are certain in this world according to Benjamin Franklin: death and taxes. 200 years later in Eerie, ol' Ben had no idea how right he was.

Reality Takes A Holiday [1.18][edit]

Marshall Teller: Eerie, Indiana, day... 0. When you're 13, going on family outings is about as cool as getting caught still sleeping with Mr. Blanky.

Marshall: I don't have a dog named Toto. But if I did, right about now I'd be telling him: "Toto, I don't think we're in Indiana anymore."

Simon Holmes: What makes you think he's here?
Dash X: Because he's the kind of guy who actually believes that there's no place like home.

Broken Record [1.19][edit]

Marshall Teller: Back in Jersey, the Pit Bull Surfers were real popular with all the metalheads. I like 'em 'cause they're so dumb. Well, one day they finally hit Eerie. Unfortunately, they hit my friend Todd McNulty the hardest. His family lost their farm about a year ago and his Dad was still out of work. I thought a little mindless headbanging music would cheer him up, maybe change his outlook.
I was only too right.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: