El Goonish Shive
El Goonish Shive (EGS) is a webcomic that was started on January 21, 2002. It is written and drawn by Dan Shive.
Elliot: Because it sounds like one big awkward moment.
Elliot said this when Tedd asked him why he passed the buck to Sarah on deciding whether to go to Grace's birthday party. Dan Shive has said that this sums up all of El Goonish Shive in one sentence. 
Single Person Quotations
Unattached Catch Phrases
- Hey, is that a demonic duck of some sort? (Used as a common distraction. Every time this phrase has been uttered the Demonic Duck has somehow been there even though he wasn't seconds before. The only exception to this was the single comic where he was on strike.) Example 1 Example 2Example 3
- Read, or the owl will eat you. (Mural found on the wall of Moperville North High School) 
- Za? (Most commonly associated with Elliot and Ellen.)
First appeared January 21, 2002
- Hello, I'm Elliot. This thing to my left is named Tedd. (The first line of the first comic.) 
- Togateiru fohku kohgeki! (Japanese for 'pointy fork attack'.) 
- Nothing can penetrate the coat of solitude... 
- Hello, I'm Elliot. If Tedd wasn't so busy testing out his experimental super novelty bubble pipe, he'd join me in apologizing for our first three strips. 
- Ah, Jeremy…what's it like to be a creature nature never intended? 
- Screw inner peace! I got a friend for you to meet! 
- He's [Carrot Top] not your archrival, sir; he's a bad comedian. 
- Dammit, I hate these trendy "which one is real" illusion attacks. 
- My back has redefined the word pain... 
- (To Tedd in girl form, who is in Elliot's bathroom.) Dammit, you'd better not be just posing in front of the mirror or something! (He is.) 
- Ok, I need an aspirin, a ball of yarn, and thirty-seven pounds of catnip, stat! 
- Oh joy, lunch. The time of social gatherings with many opportunities for awkward moments. 
- I still think this cat has narcolepsy. 
- Mankind has tried to keep squirrels away from birdseed since the dawn of time; it just can't be done, Tedd. 
- A CGI dragon, a drunk prince, and my favorite actor, Jason D. Poit, starring as a disillusioned knight... this movie is just bound to kick ass! 
- Susan's a trekkie? I would've figured she'd be anti-Shatner... 
- Tedd has read Uryuom and government studies that show that being morphed by things like Tedd's gun can actually increase longevity in non-shapeshifting beings, and it does wonders for the sinuses! 
- We're going to be one of those couples with a cache of costumes, aren't we? 
- Sense has no place within these walls.
- (regarding Nanase's Fairy Doll form) ...Sounds like something out of a Stephen King Novel. 
First appeared January 21, 2002
- Our goo kinda came to life and slithered away... is that bad? 
- Of course! Any monster that is anything like a slime would naturally fear a dragon warrior hero! 
- Waffles versus lesbians… there just isn't any contest! 
- What are you doing, sleeping? This is lunch, fool... eat something! 
- Ah, air is good. 
- Wait a second... oh crap, I'm not wearing my glasses... uh... oh, no! I'm... blind? 
- Why father, I have been in this bathroom all along and not sleeping with the squirrel girl as previously suggested. 
- Male, female, gay, straight… Female Variant #5 cares not. 
- Relax, Sarah, you ain't gay... What you feel is Female Variant #5 at work. 
- I can't get over my having facial hair! I never thought it possible!
- Ah-ha, she's got you now, dad! You can't argue with a hot chick showing that much skin! 
- Holy crap… I love her… 
- A shrubbery? What is this, a Monty Python sketch? 
- Hell no! Of course I'm a pervert! 
- Whoa, I needs to get me some yarn!… Wait, what? 
- I have bows in my hair and nobody objects! 
- This place smells like a zombie farted. Let's get the hell out of here. 
- Meow-choo!!! 
- She's like a sleepy little ninja! 
- Either I'm a narcissist, or I'm just that girly. Either way, it's a disturbing revelation. 
- One mural equals several thousand uniforms? 
- Girls in uniform...! 
- For the sake of Grace's bubbles... I must ensure that this party is the best damn party ever! 
- Wow. Notes. Party down. 
- I'm sorry, Nanase, but I have no idea why your male form has cockatoo hair! 
- You like guys, don't you? You should be thanking my deranged brain for that image! 
- You are wondering what I am doing. That is understandable. And the answer? That is simple. You see, after many minutes of experimentation over several days, success is within my grasp! With the flip of this switch, I shall achieve free, portable energy from the very curvature of space! (Tedd flips a switch, but nothing happens. Elliot attempts to speak) Quiet! I think I saw the light flicker! 
- (Carrying a tiny chair through the kitchen) No! *huff* I'm the...man! I got this! 
- (regarding Grace's Omega form) So...hot... 
- UGLY COUSIN! UGLY COUSIN! 
- (regarding Susan's new hair color) I doubt it, we all tried to tell her how awesome she looked. But that just seemed to annoy her. I don't think Susan could care less whether people like the way she looks. 
- (After Grace tells them about the word "genderfluid", and that they probably are genderfluid) I'm-- That's a thing? There's a name for it? There's a name for it... 
First appeared January 23, 2002
- You're resorting to wearing Tedd's clothes? This is an emergency! 
- Hmm... dark alley... night.... two unarmed teenage girls... screams wouldn't be heard over passing traffic.... Sounds good, let's go. 
- Curse you and your flexible legs! 
- It's truly amazing how you can juggle three hammers and a full lunch tray. 
- Am I the only one seriously disturbed by Grace being the dog?
- Well, Elliot and I are going to go make out in the janitor's closet! You two have fun! 
- That's easy for you to say, Mr. No-Boobs! 
- NO! I WILL NOT BE STOPPED BY RANDOM NUDITY! 
- Digital camera, a 512 megabyte memory card, and a computer with gigs of memory that we can transfer photos to… oh yes... there will be many pictures taken tonight! 
- This moment of manly Susan-ness must be photographically documented! 
- Aren't I cute when I'm helpful? 
- IT'S HARD TO CALL IN SICK WHEN ALL YOU CAN SAY IS "MEOW"!!! 
- (After talking with everyone about the clone forms, and being scanned) Well...it's still pretty scary, but you guys all came out ok, and if I can "back myself up" I'm kinda out of excuses. But let's get one thing straight. Tedd: If you do ANYTHING with my form without my permission, I'll give you the hammering of a lifetime...with a real hammer! 
- NO! BAD SARAH! STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF AS A SEX OBJECT! 
- That cake was gorge-yourself good! 
First appeared February 17, 2002
- Oh woe is me, a fair maiden about to be turned into a horrible cat monster by the evil wizard Teddimus! 
- You sound awfully annoyed for a guy with a furry fetish and a half-cat girlfriend. 
- Yay catnip! ...what's catnip? 
- What I want to know is what is so wrong with my body that nobody wants to see it? 
- Tedd? Care to explain why when I was in the middle of playing a game you popped up on screen as a woman getting yelled at by Elliot while doing some sort of pathetic strip dance in a bathroom? 
- When in doubt, go squirrel... 
- When bored and half-squirrel, only one solution exists: bounce around the house mindlessly! 
- Ugh! What is so wrong with my body that everyone is so obsessed with covering it up?! 
- Crud-crud-crud-crud-aw-crud-it's-already-after-10-crud-crud-crud-major-crud-crud-on-a-cracker-crud-crud-crud!!!! 
- If you get to be naked, I get to be naked. It's only fair! 
- Candy-candy-candy-everywhere-YAY!!! 
- Oh... it's corn that isn't corn... 
- Talk to the shirt. 
- My birthday is next Saturday? I'm going to be 18? That would make me older than… (Remembers where she is.)… um, people who are younger than me… 
- A lespuko? OK, great, that makes four parents, and I don't even know what one of them is! 
- You needn't worry! His metamorphic food additives are only theoretical at this point! 
- Can't talk...fighting...Giga Turtle...thank you...so much...for...cake! 
- Oh, don't worry! I'm plenty crazy! 
- Susan! Aren't you done getting dressed yet? Other people need to go zappy! 
- I dunno, Susan... is it so wrong that I just don't care if people see me naked, and that I'd have no problem taking off all my clothes, right here and now, and staying naked all night long? 
- I MADE SARAH THINK SEXY THOUGHTS ABOUT ME~!!! 
- Presenting...Manase! Er, I mean, Man-Nanase! 
- Wait a minute... If Tedd's the daddy... Oh my gosh! I'M A MOMMY! 
- Singing well is nothing compared to the liberation of heart and soul that is karaoke! (holds up manual) That's what it says in the instructions, anyway. (points to picture in manual) Hey, look! A singing fish! 
- And I'm happy if you are! INFINITE HAPPINESS LOOP! 
- Mopping is tricky!
- Who the hell is Santa Claus? 
First appeared April 7, 2002
- Mahoh no supekutoru! (Japanese for 'magical spectrum'.) 
- Oh... Yay... It's up to me to keep Ellen from going totally insane... Yee... 
- Dammit, what do you say to the female duplicate of your ex-boyfriend who is hiding under the table and crying? 
- I would not dwell within your shirt in any case! 
- Repeated thwacks to the nose with a small tail beats coffee any day. 
- "Rated R for language, violence, and frequent and gratituous loincloth removal."
- It's hard to look bad-ass when you're using fairy powers. 
- I ain't nobody's lucky bunny. 
- Hair whore. 
- I don't think physics teachers like me. 
- That is not true! I do not rant wildly! If I rant, I do so with good reason! Like that time after I skipped lunch when they showed that movie on igneous rocks in chemistry class? I had every reason to rant! Why would you schedule such a boring movie right after a lunch period, and why would you show a movie about rocks in a chemistry class?! Maybe it had a point. I don’t know. I fell asleep. But still, it seemed really out of place to me. I think… 
- I want a rematch once I get my boobs back. 
First appeared April 7, 2002
- (On how to access the power of one's ki.) By participating in difficult, overly complex and fairly ridiculous activities that shouldn't yield such fantastic results yet somehow do. 
- Women's volleyball, eh? 
- YOU'VE TRESPASSED IN MY SOUL, BITCH! 
- But the Gluttonous Hamster card is a ten-ten thwacker for only three newts! 
- The boy-toy humbly accepts your terms. 
- Parents tend to frown upon not knowing where their kids are sleeping at night... 
- (Note that Justin is gay.) Hello dad...I might be sleeping over at a friend's house tonight. ...Uh, you've never met her, but her name is Susan, and there's a girl named Ellen here as well, along with Nanase. ...Yes, I am spending the night with three girls. No, I don't plan on sleeping with any of them. ...You know, most parents would be happy about their sons answering 'no' to that last question... 
- I'm not trained in the art of using horses as projectile weaponry. 
- (after talking with the Demon duck for a moment) Why would you be interested in humans? Shouldn't you be interested in ducks? 
- Here's that stupid camera! It was cleverly hiding in plain sight. 
- [To Ellen and Nanase, who are trying to avoid attracting attention] You guys are aware that shouting whispers at each other is about the most suspicious thing you could be doing, right? 
First appeared May 29, 2002
- You talk to me because I taught you to use the hammers, and because you know I'm your hero. 
- Equality? Who said anything about equality? Female superiority all the way, sister! 
- Men are insensitive jerks who are led around by little sticks. 
- Given that I have no idea what they are talking about, which makes them boring... 
- As lovely as it is to know that my friend is dating a violent thug, it'll take more than that little bit of sharing to get me to open up. 
- I'm giving you a raincheck for a hammering. 
- This techno-babble-infested novel will serve me well. 
- NO FAIR! I HAVE A HANDICAT! 
- Nanase, don't take this the wrong way, but... HOW THE HELL ARE YOU NOT FAT?!
- (to Justin) If it makes it easier, just think of me as a less know-it-all version of Counselor Troi from Star Trek. You could even ask me what I was thinking when I hooked up with Worf! 
First appeared July 30, 2002
- (Ellen's first words) What...what is...Tedd, what's going on?
- I- I-I'm - aren't I - Elliot?!? 
- But... but female variant #5 only lasts for a month... a-and if I'm... (crying) I'm gonna die in less than a month...
- No worries! I-I'm not gonna die, cause I'm not the physical form of female variant #5 as it affected Elliot! I'M ELLEN, THE EVIL TWIN OF ELLIOT, AND I'M GONNA LIVE!!!
- I also have the keys, Sherlock. In case you hadn't noticed, everything that was on you is now also on me! I'd be quite nude otherwise...
- Go with you to what? Friends who don't know me? A family that won't love me? I don't have a home to go to, double, not with you around! 
- Am I supposed to be afraid? Sorry, but it's kind of hard to frighten the dead... 
- @#%$ logic. I'm a female bisexual duplicate of Elliot, and I can shoot green rays of light from my hands. And I'm fighting a blob of goop. Logic has nothing to do with any of this.
- We... haven't been properly introduced... Hello, my name is Ellen. It's nice to meet you.
- Mmm... Jason D. Poit...
- No, I wasn't! I was...um...I was picturing Grace as a platypus!
- Oh dear God... I'm thinking like a Tedd!
- Quiet, you're screwing up my mojo!
- That crazed look could have meant any number of things!
- Blasphemy. 
- I'm supposed to know how magic works? 
- (imitating Sarah) "Oh, the horror! I was stuck in some other form for, like, a whole day! I'm so traumatized that I have to bitch about it, even though Ellen, someone who is basically a copy of my boyfriend who was turned into a girl forever, is standing right next to me!"
- (After swatting at Nanase's hair and Nanase asking what the hell she was doing)
"...Swatting at your ponytail in a playful feline fashion?" 
- (Referring to her the fact all her knowledge of history is based on her memories from the Second Life series) I may as well have gotten my history lessons from a comic book. 
- (In a text message to Mr. Verres) Get Grace some damn counseling! >:( 
- (After Raven shouts "OBJECTION!") Did you seriously just say that? This isn't a court, you know? 
First appeared April 8, 2002
- Full power? My insurance doesn't cover that! 
- Hour one of "Operation: Hide in Bushes". Current status? All good!
- Sweet merciful Jesus Christ on a Sunday! What is that thing?
- (in a flashback of Elliot's): Remember, always listen to random intuition! It just might be the convenient plot device that saves your butt!
- Thanks, but no. If I ever attend a party like the one you described, I'd want everyone old enough to have alcohol readily available.
First appeared February 17, 2002
- (In title space of comic) I hope that accursed son of mine hasn't turned anybody into anything; it would be nice to come home from work with everyone being what they're supposed to be..... (In reality, Tedd has accidentally turned Elliot into a girl.)
- Elliot, your duplicate's a crybaby.
- (about Tedd): Trust him not to violate national security? Definitely. Trust him not to transform himself and others? Hell no! 
Mr. Verres: (thinking) Wait a minute... Did I actually agree to buy pizza for eight teenagers?! (out loud) NOOOOO~!!!
Scientist: You disagree with my findings?
Mr. Verres: No, no, that cry of anguish was completely unrelated. Please, continue. 
- Immortals aren't given missions by the mob. The analogy is flawed.
- Ah, good, you're up! ... to an extent. 
First appeared April 22, 2002
- I feel so used... 
- Oh, sure, interrupt the duck... 
- (After Justin asks if DD should be attracted to ducks) Gee, I don't know, shouldn't you be attracted to women? 
- Hey, I'm a magic talking duck who specializes in distraction! Being a master of illusion makes sense, but shapeshifting? That would be downright nutty!
- What part of "master" are you failing to understand? 
- Oh, c'mon! That guy as a chick ticklemonger wearing a bikini? How is that not not funny?
- Nah, I get all sorts of action. 
Teacher: The creation of goo is important to all of your futures! 
Principal Verruckt: The school budget is to be spent on murals! Murals, I say! 
Mugger: AAAAAAA!!! DEMON GIRL!!! REPENT!!! REPENT I SAY!!! AAAAAAA!!!
Amanda: AAAA!! ROLLERBLADING IS HARD! 
TC: Hey baby, how'd you like to swing with this sexy cat come Friday night? Eh? Sexiness? Swing? Friday? Meow? Anything?
Random girl: EEEEEK!!! A GIANT SLIME MONSTER!!! EVERYBODY RUN AROUND IN A DANGEROUS PANIC, QUICK!!!
Omega Goo Monster: Target has fled. Proceeding with a prepared set of curse words in order to simulate anger. Damn. Crap. F--
Mr. Dunkel (about Elliot sneaking into PTTAPUTASF): I can't believe he lied about the sleepover at Tedd's house! It's time to lay down the law! As punishment, Elliot doesn't get any dessert tonight!
TC: Hey, could you suck on some lollipops in a suggestive manner?
Nioi: Mmm... so cute... I will call him Tedd-chan.
Dr. Germahn(referring to his radio watches): This isn't about money, you foolish intern! It's about having cool stuff to play with!
Mrs. Dunkel (Elliot's Mom): Dear, you've read that paper five times! Please let me recycle it! 
Damien (to Grace): IF I AM TRULY A GOD, THIS BODY DOESN'T MATTER. IF I AM MORTAL, LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING. EITHER WAY, I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME!
Commando (into headset upon meeting Vladia): Specialist Steve here: some crazy half-naked woman just screamed at me. Please advise. Over.
Principal Verruckt: THERE WILL BE NO SISSY SLAP-FIGHTS IN THIS SCHOOL!
Susan's Curiosity: SCREW MORALITY!!!
Amanda: But I thought backgrounds were witchcraft!
Female Immortal: Stupid me-made technology!
Agent Wolf: What I'm gathering from this is that we could beat up a little girl. That's good to know. 
Agent Wolf: So Earth is like Grand Theft Auto for immortals? 
Agent Wolf: This is so going in my conspiracy journal. 
Magus: Don't call me a -- plumber? 
Two and Three Person Quotes
Tedd and Elliot
Elliot: I suppose it was foolish of us to try to capture goo using nets...
Tedd: Blasphemy! We just need larger nets! 
Elliot: And you want me to convince Sarah to help get Grace some clothes of her own?
Tedd: I'd do it, but I have no fashion sense and I'm banned from that area of the mall. 
(Elliot sees Tedd as a girl and his eyes bulge out)
Elliot: Ow...eyes just weren't meant to pop out like that...
Tedd: Yeah, that was creepy. 
Elliot: OK, first of all, take your hand off my shoulder. Secondly, what are pheromones?
Tedd: Let me put it in simpler terms: You smell sexy. 
Tedd: Well theoretically you should be bisexual in this form.
Elliot: What? I am not attracted to guys! I mean you're a guy and I'm not-
(Tedd removes his glasses)
Elliot: Put the glasses back on, keep them on, and let us never speak of this again.... 
Elliot:What, you know her somehow?
Tedd:Elliot, she is my cousin.
Elliot: NOOOOOOO!!! Wait, why should that bother me. Hehe... I made out with your cousin...
Tedd: Um, yay. Good for you. 
Elliot: DUDE, STOP SAYING "DUDE!"
Tedd:I'm pretty sure that "dude" joke's been done somewhere before.
Elliot: What joke? You were driving me nuts!
Elliot: Why would being female make you better at cooking?
Tedd: Because I'm hot. 
Tedd (about the game Animal Crossing): Does it involve genetically engineering hybrid super animals?
Elliot: That's what I figured at first, too, but no.
Elliot: So, in other words, you're a big tease.
Tedd: YES!!! 
Elliot: Ask yourself, which is better: one girl in uniform, or two?
Tedd:...Two! Two is better!
Elliot: My first "girly thoughts" weren't that exaggarated!
Tedd: Yes they were- all I had to do to make you make you blush was take my glasses off!
Elliot: And how exactly is talking about it "never speaking of it again"?
Tedd: The Big Deal is that he's the head of the student council for my school! He's heard of me, said I looked familiar, and he knows my full name!
Elliot: He knows your middle name is "Drew"?
Tedd: No, no he doesn't. Thank you, Elliot.
Elliot: Oops. 
Elliot and Ellen
Ellen (glomping Elliot): Mommy!
Elliot (screaming): I'M TOO YOUNG AND TOO MALE TO BE THE MOTHER OF A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD FEMALE ME!!!
Ellen: I was only messing with ya...
Elliot: I knew that! Haha! haha...ha?
Ellen: (discussing her relationship to Elliot)Don't worry. Besides, I refuse to accept any theory that views me as Tedd's relative. He's far too cute for me to think of him as one. Elliot gets a rather shocked and disturbed look on his face) Oh, stop it. You thought he was cute too, 'ya know.
Elliot (shouting): (points at Ellen) YOU LIE!
Ellen: Why do you reject me, Mommy?
Elliot: I'M NOT YOUR MOMMY!
Ellen: No, but I bet you're ticklish! 
Elliot: You know, you could have warned me last night about the theme for Grace's birthday party.
Ellen: You're like me if I was being directed by George Lucas.
Elliot: YOU TAKE THAT BACK! 
Elliot: You know, technically, if you got into the closet with her [Nanase], that would suggest you'd be hiding your interest with girls as well.
Ellen: Given that I'd be in the closet with another girl, I don't think I'd be doing a very good job.
(After getting done talking over the fact that Elliot disturbed a moment between Ellen and Nanase)
Elliot: Anyway, girls hug all the time. They are more relaxed about that kind of thing.
Ellen: So, what, you're suggesting that girls just casually cuddle and sleep together? Could you picture Sarah doing that with Grace?
Ellen: Me too, but for all the wrong reasons. 
Ellen: Nanase and I are a couple now! Be happy for us!
Elliot: I wanna be but...Nanase doesn't want it to get back to her family that she's gay, and she only just realized she's a lesbian. Did she actually say she's ready to be in a relationship?
(Ellen gets a shocked look on her face. A moment later, she is getting out of her chair.)
Ellen: Excuse me. I need to find something heavy and blunt to kill you with. 
Tedd and Grace
Tedd: Um, what are you wearing underneath that trench coat?
Grace: Well, nothing, but--
Tedd (dashes added): Welcome-to-the-wonderful-house-of-Tedd-Tedd's-house-is-your-house-please-feel-free-to-stay-as-long-as-you-like-and-let-it-be-known-if-you're-having-nightmares-it's-OK-for-you-to-sleep-in-my-bed-welcome! 
Tedd: Elliot was acting pretty strange...maybe I should go find out why.
Grace (curling around Tedd): Stay.
Tedd:...That also works... 
Grace: Oh no! I forgot to feed Jeremy?
Tedd: It happens.
Grace: We have towels!
Tedd: Yes, towels for all! 
Grace: Ellen got that outfit for me at the Promiscuous Maidens shop in the mall for dirt cheap!
Tedd: Really? That was nice of her.
Grace (in Tedd's body): Now, if we want people to believe that you're me, and I'm you, we'll need to act accordingly...
Tedd (in Grace's body): Piece of cake!
Elliot (outside): Hey, what's taking you guys so long down there? Hurry up already!
Tedd (still in Grace's body): GIVE US A FREAKING MINUTE, YOU DAMN DIRTY HARPIES!!!
Tedd (in Grace's body): Seumto vusp gonkelulyuri quoyuro acot cho locgleen (Uryumoco for "Change back temporarily while using the bathroom")
Grace (in Tedd's body): I don't see why, but ok, Claire. 
Grace (in Tedd's body): Hey, I ran into that Tony guy while in the bathroom.
Tedd (in Grace's body): Tony?! Are you ok?! He didn't hurt you, did he?!
Grace: Oh, I'm fine. I think he was distracted by his obvious attraction to you. (Tedd's eyes go wide) Why so shocked? You have a very pretty face. 
Grace: Welcome home, Tedd!
Tedd: Grace! Y-you're in a cat form! But I thought you weren't transforming?
Grace: Not on my own, but I thought you could use a kitty-hug, so I used the transformation gun! 
Tedd: You're going to transform back to human form eventually, right?
Tedd: I'll take that as a "yes".
Grace: I'm sorry. You must think I'm weird.
Tedd: ...mmmaybe just a little.
Grace: When Damien killed all those people while freeing my brothers and me, I had the power to stop them, but I didn't. Then, last Saturday, I finally used that power, and I lost all control. I don't deserve to use my powers. If I have to in order to undo gun transformations, I will, but I'm not going to use them otherwise until I was feeling better about myself.
Grace: Let's just cuddle for now, ok?
Tedd: ...ok. 
Tedd: Grace! Hi! I'm taking care of that thing of which I had previously mentioned!
Grace: Tedd, it's obvious that there is nothing that needs to be taken care of on this floor.
Tedd: There are things!
Tedd and Mr. Verres
Mr Verres: Tedd's either upstairs studying or downstairs working in that lab I gave him...
Tedd (off-panel): AAAA!!! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!
Elliot: Basement it is then. 
Mr Verres: I must inform you that I will be going away on business for a few days.
Mr Verres: Yes, and while I'm gone I want there to be no fooling around between you and Shade Tail!
Tedd: What? Are you talking about- Dad, we've never had-
Mr Verres: And nor should you! Fool around with her in her human form and she could get pregnant! That and you're too young for such-
Tedd: Wait, back up. Why specify her human form?
Mr Verres: Oh, well the scientists who made her were worried about what would result if she got pregnant while half-squirrel so they designed her so she couldn't get pregnant while transformed.
STOP SMILING LIKE THAT!
Tedd: I'd like to, but I can't. 
Elliot (in Mr. Verres's documents storage closet): Hell yeah! Area 51 fact sheets!
Mr. Verres: Forget you ever saw that!!!
Tedd: No way! Those are so going online later! 
Mr. Verres: So you see, my lad, the true moral behind the battle of Trenton is that if you party too hearty, George Washington will kick your ass. Any questions?
Tedd: Just one. WHAT DID ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU SAYING "GRACE DIDN'T DIE IN THAT DIMENSION"?!
Mr. Verres: Tedd, your height needs all the help it can get. Drink some milk.
Tedd: You're barely taller than me.
Mr. Verres: And that's saying something. Get drinking. 
Minion and Dan
Sarah: Hey, why are we weird looking? Did you forget to buy new pens?
Dan: No, but I'm trying out a new type of paper and I didn't want to draw anything too complex until I was certain the ink wouldn't run or anything weird like that.
Sarah: I guess that makes sense, but do we really need to be this deformed?
Dan: Of course! It's all part of my master plan, you see! First, I establish an alternative drawing style that's faster, and easier to draw! Then, if I need to throw together a quick filler, I can do so easily! In addition, the simple style of the drawings will hypnotise the readers into wanting to buy El Goonish Shive T-shirts, making me a millionaire, thus allowing the initiation of Phase II of my evil scheme! Phase II being, of course, the purchase of a new hat. Any questions?
Minion: I prefer to be referred to as an 'administrative assistant', sir.
Dan: Really? Minions get paid more.
Minion: …Minion it is.
Dan: Plan B was to turn you into a hamster.
Minion: This looks like it was lettered by a one-eyed monkey!
Dan: You could be more supportive than that.
Minion: OK, a two-eyed monkey.
Dan (in Retromud): Well, that was a lot of fun, but I think it's time I logged off. The lines of text are starting to blur together to form dirty limericks and communist propaganda.
Tanooki: I hate it when that happens.
Dan: We should play again sometime and liberate the working man from Nantucket! … or something less blurry vision induced. 
Minion: So...what are you doing now?
Dan: Adjusting the image distance from the edge of the pages in "EGS: Volume 2".
Minion: By how much?
Dan: 21 pixels, or 3.5% of an inch. Helps keep comics out of the book spine.
Minion: Yeah, but 21 pix--
Dan: THE SPINE IS EVIL!
Minion: Have you no shame?
Dan: Sha- what? 
Tedd and/or Elliot and Sarah
Sarah: Do you know what time it is?
Elliot: Bikini time?
Sarah (with giant mallet): Time to die…
Elliot: Where the hell did that hammer come from? 
Sarah: A-actually, I was thinking just the two of us would go to a movie, together...
Elliot: But then Tedd will get lonely! We really should include him. 
Tedd: Could it be that Scrabble is the greatest game ever?
Elliot: Damn straight!
Sarah (entering): ALL RIGHT TEDD, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO GRACE?
Tedd: Dammit, don't you knock? What if I was naked?
Elliot: Why the hell would you be naked?
Tedd: I dunno. Strip Scrabble?
Sarah: COULD WE FOCUS PLEASE? 
Sarah: Elliot, you've been avoiding me all day. why don't you want to talk to me?
Elliot:Well, it's complicated. I want to talk, but I find that I-- (bell rings) (very quickly, while running away) Oh ye gods I'm going to be late for study hall gotta go see you around 6:45 bye!
Sarah: Wow...if he's already acting this strange around me maybe it's a good thing he's totally clueless about me wanting to date him. 
Tedd: Hello Sarah, what's happening. Yeah…Elliot's been turned into a girl and can't see you just now so if you could just come back some other time that would be great, m'kay?
Elliot (upstairs): DAMN YOU TEDD! YOU MIGHT AS WELL LET HER COME UP HERE NOW!!!
Tedd: BUT I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT HER TO SEE YOU AS A WOMAN!
Sarah: You turned him into a girl? What's wrong with you? 
Intercom: Tedd, please report to the principal's office.
Sarah: Um, shouldn't you be going to the principal's office?
Tedd: Nah, I bet they were calling for some other Tedd.
Intercom: There is no other Tedd. Now get your ass down here!!
Tedd: Dammit. 
Sarah: I bet Grace is excited about going to a movie theatre for her first time!
Elliot: Considering how excited she was over her first piece of toast, that's a pretty safe bet.
Sarah:Four soda ads, two ads for the military, half a dozen for heart surgeons, and three previews for movies that resort to the lowest common denominator for entertainment... when is the actual movie going to start?
Elliot: I don't know, Sarah... I just don't know...
Sarah: They usually announce pep rally assemblies during the morning announcements for the Monday of the same week.
Susan: They do?
Sarah: Yes! Don't you listen to the morning announcements?
Tedd: We have morning announcements?
Sarah: What kind of a girlfriend are you?
Elliot: The guy kind?
(Scene: Susan has been transformed into a male, and has just come upstairs. Everyone is crowded around her. Justin, Tedd and Elliot are transformed into females.)
Elliot: ...I'm standing right here?
Sarah: I'm sorry, Elliot, but look at him!
Elliot: ...Yeah, I guess he is hot.
Tedd: ...Um, Dude?
Elliot: What? I'm wearing a skirt, and I have boobs. I'm not going to start worrying about my manly image now! 
(In a transgender fantasy date sequence by Sarah)
Sarah: Would you like to come in for some... "coffee"? (finger quotes)
Elliot: Why yes! I would love to have some "coffee"! (finger quotes) 
(Both Sarah and Elliot are transformed into the other gender, and have just attempted to kiss, but Elliot fell off the couch onto the floor.)
Sarah: Elliot! Are you OK?
Elliot: I don't think I like it rough...
Sarah: Maybe we should use protection.
Elliot: I-I wasn't thinking we'd go that far--!
Sarah: I meant, like, helmets and elbow pads.
Elliot: ...Oh! Right! Of course!
Elliot and/or Tedd and/or Sarah and Grace
Grace: Oh, hi! You must be Elliot!
Elliot: And you must be a robot, as there is no way a hot chick like you would be in Tedd's house!
Grace: What? I'm not a robot!
Elliot: Aw, man, I'm sorry…um, he didn't kidnap you, did he? 
Grace: Tedd... After all I've seen, there is one question I must ask... DO YOU ENJOY PLAYING GOD?!
Tedd (playing computer game Black & White): Why, yes, yes I do.
Elliot: Hey, that village doesn't believe in you.
Grace: When do I get a turn?
Tedd: After I burn this village to the ground. 
Elliot: So you want to protect people without resorting to violence...that's good, but there'still one more thing!
Grace: Really? Like what?
Elliot: Like why were you basically naked when you first came to this house?
(Sarah hits Elliot with a giant mallet)
Sarah: I know it was a legitimate question, but I didn't like his tone... 
Elliot: So, what's the plan?
Grace: Alright, here we go. As you know, Tedd's father works for the government. I was able to get access to certain information as a result of that, and I have discovered an interesting little item that is being kept at the government's "Paranormal Things that are Probably of Little Use to Anyone Storage Facility", or PTTAPUTASF. There is an artifact kept at PTTAPUTASF called the Dewitchery Diamond that dates back to medieval times. The Dewitchery Diamond is said to be able to separate someone who has been cursed with another form from that curse and return them to normal; all you have to do is touch it. Now, this is such a low priority building that Tedd actually has the clearance necessary to get in thanks to his father, but you can't legally get in and he can't legally remove the diamond for you to touch. Fortunately, however, the facility is so low priority that there appears to be only one elderly guard who constantly guards the front of the building so once Tedd is inside he should be able to sneak you in through the back and get you to the diamond. There are only security cameras at the doors, which is good which means that you'll have to get in by a window because of this. Afterwards, you just have to get to the second floor, touch the diamond and get out. I'll stay back here for a number of reasons including but not limited to the facts that the less people sneaking in the better, if I'm caught they might take me in for testing or something, and someone has to feed Jeremy. Now PTTAPUTASF is a three-hour trip out of town by car so it's best you leave ASAP.
Elliot: No seriously, what's the plan?
Grace: (off panel) BAH!
Elliot: (in his mind) Za?
Grace: I got booted from the basement! (Grace sits on the couch) I can't believe I got kicked out of the basement because they had to take their clothes off.
Elliot: Grace, of all the things you could get mad about, opposition to casual nudity is your pet peeve? What's up with that? (Elliot Looks away) It's pretty reasonable that they would want some privacy. I mean, if you were them, wouldn't you want some?
Grace: (hands Elliot her shirt) Talk to the shirt. 
(Grace has literally kissed and made up to Sarah)
Sarah: BLEH! Grace, why did you do that?!
Grace:: Tedd said you'd be as eager to kiss and make up as I was.
Sarah: HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY!
Tedd: (Pokes head in) Yeah, I did. 
Sarah: With all the time it's taken for Susan to transform and get dressed up there, I could have just about grown my own-
Grace: (off panel) HEY EVERYONE! MAN-SUSAN'S UPSTAIRS!
Elliot: Oh thank God that last sentence got interrupted!
Nanase: Grace, can I transform next?
Grace: Sure. I just need to talk to Tedd first.
Tedd: Need to talk to Tedd? Are you sure you don't just...want to talk to Tedd? No good can come from needing to talk to Tedd...
Dr. Germahn: Assistant, would you CENSORED my CENSORED with your CENSORED?
Dr. Germahn: Although some would call this experiment a failure, I can definitely see it as a success. 
Elliot: Justin, entertain Sarah for a minute.
Justin: But what about my inner peace?
Elliot: None for you. Back soon, Sarah. 
Sensei Greg: Nanase, no magic and stay above the belt!
Sensei Greg: Elliot, no summoning inner demons and stay away from her breasts!
Rat (going after female Elliot): Let me go, you jerk!
Matt: She's a man, you fool! A man!
Rat: Her chest says otherwise!
Sensei Greg: Are you from some other country or something?
Grace...Er, yes! I, uh, only recently moved to this country!
Sensei Greg:Neat! Which country are you from?
Grace: Wh-why? Do you want to see all the naked people?
Sensei Greg: Sadly no, for alas it is my greatest of shames as an anime martial arts master that I am not an old man or a pervert!
Elliot (to Ellen, when she believes she's his evil twin): Okay, first of all, you're not an evil twin, you're just overly stressed at the moment. Secondly, how could you frame me? We're not even the same sex!
Tedd: Yeah, and I doubt you can hide your breasts very well.
Ellen (staring at her chest): Ah yes. The Wonder Twins...they do complicate matters, don't they?
Elliot (about Ellen): You have to keep in mind that she is a woman and may consider tactics that we as men wouldn't think of.
Tedd: Like what?
Ellen (at gas station): Excuse me, I'm a little lost.... could you give me directions?
Ellen: This rug makes you look like Hitler!
Principal Verruckt: Huh?! It does?! Why didn't anybody tell me?! No wonder children would cry at the sight of me! 
Justin: (to Jeremy) Hehe.... You're a cute little monster cat, aren't ya?
Susan: Dammit, you're the one being nice to it, why isn't he on top of you?
Justin: You haven't dealt much with cats, have you? Cats instinctively prefer to be wherever they are least wanted. If you really want him to get off of you, just treat him as if you want him there.
Susan: Huh. Okay. Jeremy?
Susan: KITTY! (huge sappy grin on face, hearts everywhere)
(Jeremy runs away)
Susan: Yes! He ran away! Thank you Ju-- .... where did everybody go? 
Susan: Naked Fridays? Yeesh. I'm sure your girlfriend would appreciate that idea.
Tedd: Actually, that was her idea. God, I love that woman…
Hedge: (thinking) Just who is Cat, and how does that green-haired girl know Uryuomoco?
Theater Clerk: Um, sir? Your popcorn is ready.
Hedge: Kick-ass. 
Susan: Just a sec- I need to tell my mom that I'm home with people. (With a bullhorn): HEY MA! I'M HOME, AND I'VE GOT PEOPLE OVER, AND THEY MIGHT SPEND THE NIGHT!
Justin (cleaning out his ears): You don't have an intercom in a house this large?
Susan: We do, but for some reason we can only get Mexican radio through it. 
Justin: How did you know I was gay?
Susan: I didn't. 
Ellen (to Susan, who is spaced out): So, I was thinking I might dance naked in your backyard while burning your finest art and furniture.
Susan: Have fun.
Ellen (After several seconds): Women are only good for serving men, be it through cooking, cleaning, or physical pleasure!!!
Susan (Turning around, furious): HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?!
Ellen: I had to snap you out of your stupour somehow.
Susan: I wasn't that out of it...
Nanase: As far as my mother is concerned, Ellen, you're a heterosexual who attends Catholic school.
Ellen: A naughty Catholic schoolgirl?
Nanase: No. 
Nanase: Now that I've shared my horrible web of lies, perhaps Susan can explain why she's suddenly blonde?
Susan: What's to explain? My hair changed colour. It happens!
Nanase: Hair doesn't just spontaneously change colour!
Susan: I stand by my ridiculous claim. 
Nanase: Can you order real food now?
Susan: You're mad, c'mon that was funny.
Nanase: I'm not mad, I'm just tired, and I'm hungry and--and you're blonde and you won't explain how or why! (she turns to Ellen) And I STILL don't know why you sleep so much!
Ellen: Well, I sleep so much because-- (Nanase turns to Justin)
Nanase: And you! (pause) Carry on.
Justin: You REALLY need to be fed. 
Elliot: Hey, cool! I'm having a close encounter of the fifth kind!
William: Hey, cool! Some nerd is pointing at me! 
William: I hate to get all technical on you again, but our species doesn't have men and women.
Gillian: We're all the same gender, we just dress up to fit in better.
(above Elliot's head): Attempting to process: *SYSTEM FAILURE*
Elliot: But... if you don't have genders.... then how.... and the eggs.... za?!
William: I think we blew his mind.
Gillian: Tedd would be proud.
William: Hmmm... Should we just tell him?
Gillian: Why wouldn't we tell him?
William: I'm not saying we shouldn't; I'm just asking if we should give a straightforward answer, or describe the events leading up to the answer in more detail than truly necessary.
Damien: You're horrible at lying.
Elliot: It's what I get for being the good guy.
Guineas: Squee snort squa squee!
Hedge: Who is "Timmy" and how did he wind up down a well?
Grace (about the Uryuom suit): Its amazing! It's obviously on tight, but it feels like I'm just in my underwear!
Ellen: It's almost sensual…
Nanase: OK, NO NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT! WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO, DAMMIT! 
Ellen (at the comic shop): Should we be disturbed by the fact that Nanase is sleeping on herself?
Hedge: Alright, what the hell is going on here? What was that loud noise earlier? Where is Damien?
Elliot: And who are you?
Nioi: Well, let's see... That "loud noise" was Damien blowing himself up, so that also explains where he is. And I'm Nioi.
Uryuom commando: Incidentally, we got called out here after Tedd finally got in contact with his dad, which explains why we showed up!
Female commando: Why did you just say that?
Uryuom commando: It felt necessary for some reason.
Grace: So, um, Vladia… still female, huh?
Vladia (holding her big breasts): Gee, what tipped you off, Professor?
Susan: I figured I should keep a log tonight; keep track of all the just wonderful thoughts I'm likely to have while male. I figure it's a good way to determine if men are naturally as messed up as I've been led to believe.
Elliot: Oh, well, be sure to make note of all your thoughts about sports, booze, video games, lying for sex, violence, crudeness, and the overall sexist attitude you'll naturally have all on account of being a guy for one night.
Elliot: Little bit.
Susan: I thought Tedd was with you.
Elliot: He said something about his "Tedd senses tingling" and ran off.
(NB: Tedd had just raced upstairs to see Grace kiss Sarah.)
Justin: What the heck did you whisper to her? (Nanase.)
Ellen: Um, a dirty limerick?
Tedd:So... you're saying I don't have to worry about guys having the hots for me?
Jusin:I wouldn't think gay guys, no.
Tedd:That's awesome! I--wait, why did you specify "gay" guys?
Justin:No reason. 
Justin (transformed into a girl): I...I was just wondering if you think boys like, um, Elliot, would find me attractive?
Grace: Hm...well, I'm no expert, but you've got large breasts! I've heard that's a plus!
Sarah: Aren't I cute when I'm helpful?
Susan(as a man): Foul, FOUL!
Demonic Duck: At least this party's got some hot chicks.... even if they're not supposed to be chicks...
Justin: Why would you be interested in humans? Shouldn't you be attracted to ducks?
Demonic Duck: Gee, I don't know. Shouldn't you be attracted to women?
Justin: Touché. 
Justin: I think the duck might have been hitting on me.
Nanase: You gonna go for it?
(Scene: At the party, a pizza guy overhears transformed Nanase and Susan arguing over the appopriateness of skirts. Tedd says they're rehearsing a play.)
Pizza Guy: A play?
Tedd: Yes, a play!
Pizza Guy:About two guys fighting over skirts?
Tedd: Yes...no! They're staying true to the play's Shakespearian roots by having men play female roles!
Ellen Well it's just...The idea is so out there.
Sarah Who cares? Look at us! We've got an alien hybrid, two magic users, a mad scientist and we're all the opposite sex for a party!
Ted: What were you doing downstairs?
Susan: Logging stuff.
Justin: Providing logging material.
Male CSI Agent: Damn. We haven't found anything out here.
Female CSI Agent: I feel inadequate.
Male CSI Agent: Maybe we should hook up later.
Female CSI Agent: Wow. What a twist! 
Nanase: Your data is from cartoons.
Akiko: Of course it is. I'm eight. 
Large Group Quotes
Cast survey in filler
"Would you go on a date with Ellen?"
Sarah: Well, yes! I mean, no! Wait, are we talking about Elliot as a woman, or the "new Ellen"?
Tedd: Well, maybe if we ignore Grace, which I can't do, so no.
Grace: Could I bring Tedd? Oh, it's that sort of a date. I'm sorry, no...
Elliot: Um, ew?
Justin: Of course I would! Wait, you did say "Elliot", right?
Nanase: Did Justin put you up to this?
Susan: I dunno.... Unfortunately, I'm straight normally so I don't know if it'd be worth my while... so no.
Gregg: Ok, she's HOW many years younger than me? I don't think so!
Theatre Clerk: Hell yeah I'd go on a date with her! Heck, hook Da Playah up with all these lovely ladies! Woo!
Ellen: Oh well, nobody was interested. Let's go get dinner or something.
Dan: But didn't-
Ellen: Yee-yup. Not a one.
Sarah (about being transformed):What if something goes wrong? What if I get stuck in some other form?! This whole thing is scary! Weren't you all scared about being "zapped" at first?
Tedd: Heck no!
Grace: I jumped in head first.
Justin: Not about that, no.
Nanase: Probably should've been...
Susan: No, not really.
Demon Duck: Sounds kinda cool. 
Captions and Footnotes
- (for a showdown between Elliot and the goo monster): Be sure to place your potentially illegal and morally objectionable bets now 'cause once this gets started it won't be over 'til it's over!
- This overly-descriptive thought bubble has been brought to you by the Lucky Bunny Bounty Show, now in reruns.
- (in Filler): After being introduced to Espresso, Dance Music, and Cotton Candy, all within five minutes of each other, Grace was no longer detectable by the naked eye. You knew she was around, however, as sudden wind currents and random objects being knocked over served as evidence of the super-hyper squirrel girl's presence.
- Overly descriptive narration is your friend.
- Badass hair flowing in the wind effect with no wind is your friend.
- And since we have an extra panel, let's observe the Dunkels having dessert, shall we? …Yeesh…
- Horns digitally added to emphasize mischieviousness. 
- Translated from the noble language of the squirrels. 
- Look!! Snazzy hands-free phone gear!! 
- They stayed up watching movies until dawn, an act that they will no doubt regret during the day that follows... for tomorrow night will be painted black... 
- Insert graphic adult images here.
- Magic nose beepage!
- INCONVENIENT CUT SCENE! 
- (in Filler): Yay legality!
- Thank-you pounce!
- Sarah didn't know what to expect from her male form, but one thing can be said for certain... She had expected more.
- Man Do I Love Knowing Who That Is and You Don't.
- WHAT?! But...Past...Reveal...Argh!
- Hey Man, Rollerblading Is Hard. That or I Just Suck at It.
- Remember: REAL Hammers Do REAL Damage.
- The German Scientist's Name Is Dr. Germahn???
- The Non-Triumphant Return of the Coat of Solitude.
- You Don't Know How Tempting It Was to Take the Wind Effect a Step Further.
- On Strike; No Title for You!
- Catnip: A Nifty Substance that Drives Cats Insane with Its Minty Smell that Can Be Released by Rolling Around in It.
- My Goonish Sense Is Tingling!
- Power Goes Up, Power Goes Down, Power Goes Up, Power...
- And From the Shadows Came Forth Jeremy.
- Highly Skilled at Not Giving a Crap.
- There Are Occasional Benefits to Being Large.
- Hello, My Name Is Dan, and This Comic Made Me Cry.
- A Touching Offer of Physical Violence.
- Perhaps She's a Teddsexual?
- AAAA!!! MY VIRGIN EARS!!!
- "Nanase: Scantily Clad for Hire" OR "Justin's Frustration" OR PERHAPS "Justin's Cat Out of the Bag" OR MAYBE "Dan Couldn't Decide on a Title". 
- This Comic Was Brought to You by the Same Sponsors that Supply Us with Sickeningly Football-Like Coverage of the Military Action in Iraq.
- Uryuomoco Is a Lovely Language.
- Mourn the Loss of Tedd's Soda.
- Gaspity-Gasp-gasp! NOBODY Could've Seen THIS Coming!
- It's Hard to Stay Angry at a Naked Chick.
- Worst. Taunt. EVER.
- I Love Things that Logically Never Should Have Been Made Being Put to Good Use.
- Can You Smell the Suspense? I Know I Can! *Sniff.*
- Holy Gingersnaps! Might the Party Not Happen now?! Curse this Suspenseful Suspense!
- Yay! I've Been Looking Forward to This Bizarre Sequence for Months!
- Given Grace's Views on Nudity, This Could Have Been Worse.
- Cats Make Good Props.
- Suspension of Disbelief #967--Being Morphed by a Beam of Energy Is Good For You.
- Holy Skimpy Kitty! What Program Are They Using?
- Waking Up with a Squirrel in One's Face is Normally a Bad Thing.
- Tedd, the Insecure Don Juan.
- The Nerve of Her Being Likeable! 
- A Party Just Isn't a Party without Notes.
- If There's More to this Comic than Happy Naked Nanase, I'm Too Distracted to Notice.
- Duck-Like Distractive Powers of a Meddling Moment-Breaking Sarah.
- By 'Get a Room', They Mean... Play Board Games! Yes... Board Games...
- None Can Stand Alone Against a Septet of Puppy Eyes! 
- Love Cares Not for the Woes of Logic. 
- Tedd Makes a Sexy Bride. Yeah, I said It.