Elementary (TV series)

Elementary is an American television series that premiered on CBS on September 27, 2012 and ended on August 15, 2019. It presents a contemporary update of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes detective stories set in New York City. It stars Jonny Lee Miller as Holmes and Lucy Liu as Watson. On August 2019, CBS ended the series after 7 seasons.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Watson: Mr. Holmes, did your father tell you that I'd be coming?

Holmes: He e-mailed, said to expect some sort of addict-sitter.

Watson: Then he explained his conditions in respect to your sobriety?

Holmes: If you mean his threats to evict me from this, the shoddiest and least renovated of the five, count them, five properties he owns in New York, then yeah. He made his conditions quite clear. I use, I wind up on the street. I refuse your quote-unquote help, I wind up on the street. It was my understanding that most sober companions are recovering addicts themselves, but you've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol.

Watson: Your father told you?

Holmes: Of course he didn't.

Watson: Do you care to explain why you broke out of your rehab facility the same day you were being released?

Holmes: Bored.

Watson: You were bored?

Holmes: No, I am bored. Right now. It happens often. You'll get used to it.

Watson: There was a woman here just now. Did she get you high?

Holmes: About six feet. (he pulls his belt off a ladder, which has two pairs of handcuffs attached to the rungs) I actually find sex repellent. All those fluids and odd sounds. But my brain and my body require it to function at optimum levels, so I feed them as needed.

Holmes: Tell me, how do clients typically introduce you?

Watson: What do you mean?

Holmes: I mean, I find it hard to believe they'd actually tell someone they've been assigned a glorified helper monkey.

Watson: Helper monkey? You and I have what's known as companion/client confidentiality, which means you can introduce me however you'd like: friend, co-worker, relative, and I'll play along. But, to be honest, most clients just call me their companion.

Holmes: Hmm. Captain Gregson!

Gregson: Holmes, how are you doing?

Holmes: Watson, this is Captain Gregson. Captain Gregson, this is Miss Watson, my personal valet.

Watson: How do you do it?

Holmes: Do what?

Watson: Guess things.

Holmes: I don't guess. I observe; and once I've observed, I deduce.

Watson: It's so incredible, the way that you can solve people just by looking at them. I noticed you don't have any mirrors around here.

Holmes: And what's that supposed to mean?

Watson: It means I think you know a lost cause when you see one.

While You Were Sleeping [1.02]

Watson: What do you mean you put yourself into a trance?

Holmes: I hypnotized myself. It's simple, really. The key is word repetition. My word, as you may have guessed, is amygdala.

Watson: So you hypnotized yourself at your first group support meeting.

Holmes: I couldn't listen to all those sob stories, now could I?

Watson: That's the whole point and when, you know, you feel comfortable, you can share.

Holmes: You've been with me a week now, Watson. You know I don't share.

Watson: Well then why can't you listen?

Holmes: Attic theory. I've always believed the human brain is like an attic: storage space, facts, but because that space is finite, it must be filled only with things one needs to be the best version of oneself. It's important, therefore, not to have useless facts: the natterings that comprised your support meeting, for example, crowding out useful ones.

Watson: I've got to go meet my friend soon. Are you going to be okay getting home by yourself?

Holmes: This friend that you're meeting, when was the last time you slept with him? It's quite obvious it's a he and an ex-lover. You go out of your way to avoid gender and every time you talk about him you avert your gaze when say "friend." As to how I know it's not a current lover, your walk speaks volumes.

Watson: My walk.

Holmes: A study in Belgium showed that a woman's recent orgasmic history can be discerned from her gait. Yours would indicate it's been a while.

Watson: Is it sad being wrong as often as you are right?

Holmes: My advice: sleep with him. It'll do wonders for your mood.

Holmes: I'm looking for a syringe.

Watson: What for?

Holmes: I'm going to stab it into the softest part of Miss Ellison's thigh. Lots of nerve endings there. No one can fake their way through that.

Watson: If you wanted to know if she was really in a coma, all you had to do was ask. [lifts Yvette Ellison's arm and lets go]

Holmes: That's okay but I can't stab her in the thigh?

[during their next group meeting]

Watson: You're not supposed to be working here.

Holmes: Would you rather I put myself into another trance?

Watson: Oh, I already thought of that. (shows him a thumbtack) You even think about zoning out, this goes into the softest part of your thigh. Lots of nerve endings there.

Holmes: You wouldn't dare.

Watson: Do you close yourself off to people and deny yourself things that might bring you pleasure not because it makes you a better investigator, but because it's some sort of penance?

Holmes: Penance?

Watson: For what happened in London; being addicted. I don't know. I guess it just occurred to me that it might be something someone might do and not even know it.

Holmes: Well, you always know it, Watson. If you didn't, it wouldn't be penance.

Child Predator [1.03]

Watson: Have you been up all night?

Holmes: I started digging through one of the files I keep on open serial murders. After you'd gone to bed I lost track of time. Still losing track of it as a matter of fact. No jogging, sorry.

Watson: I thought that we both agreed that a little exercise would be a good addition to your sobriety.

Holmes: For future reference, when I say that 'I agree with you' it means I'm not listening.

Watson: Do you know what else is great? Jazzercise. Get you some leg warmers, headband, you'll look awesome.

Holmes: I agree with you.

Holmes: I'm not sleeping. I'm just reviewing the details of the case in my mind.

Watson: I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? Because I thought I was just a cavernous expanse between two ears.

Holmes: You mustn't be so sensitive, Watson. The service you're providing is quite valuable. For a brief stretch in London I talked only to a phrenology bust I kept in my study. I named him Angus. It wasn't the same. I realized that when it came to listeners I preferred animates to inanimate. Quite a breakthrough, really.

Watson: Angus. I'm glad I made it to the "animate" category.

Holmes: Victims of horrific abuse are often protective of their abusers. It doesn't mean we should send them back for seconds.

Adam: I have an immunity deal.

Holmes: For crimes committed "in consort with" Samuel Abbott.

Holmes: What are you doing?

Watson: Depriving you of all stimulus.

Holmes: What? No! No, no, no. Right after you solve a case you're flush with success. We should double down on work.

Watson: We?

Holmes: You, me, [holds up bust] Angus! Some combination of the three. You already know I favor you.

The Rat Race [1.04]

Aaron: "CUS", I think that means "See You Soon". But what does "IMLTHO" stand for?

(cut to Holmes and Watson)

Holmes: It means "In My Less Than Humble Opinion".

Watson: Your abbreviations are becoming borderline indecipherable. I don't know why, because you are obviously capable of being articulate.

Holmes: Language is evolving Watson. Becoming a more efficient version of itself. I love text short hand. It allows you to convey content and tone, without losing velocity.

Holmes: Met a man I see. Handsome one at that.

Watson: Um, this is the part where I ask you how you knew that, right?

Holmes: You put your hair up when you want to look your best. You think it's more flattering. You're wrong of course. It's a draw.

Watson: The guys at Wall Street are more... formal, in the way they dress.

Holmes: Those are costumes. I loathe bankers. They rig the roulette wheel of commerce, very nearly destroy the world economy and they still think if they wear suits they'll be treated as respectable folk instead of the crooks that they are.

Jim Fowkes: You think there's a sociopath working for us? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Holmes: we're all sociopaths.

Holmes: It has its costs.

Watson: What does?

Holmes: Learning to see the puzzle in everything. They're everywhere. Once you start looking, it's impossible to stop. It just so happens that people, with all the deceits and illusions that inform everything they do, tend to be the most facinating puzzles of all. Of course, they don't always appreciate being seen as such.

Watson: Seems like a lonely way to live.

Holmes: As I said. Has its costs.

Lesser Evils [1.05]

Watson: Any luck?

Holmes: Luck is an offensive, abhorrent concept. The idea that there is a force in the universe tilting events in your favor or against it is ridiculous. Idiots rely on luck.

Watson: So that'd be a no.

Watson: I was thinking sushi tonight.

Holmes: Salmonella, vibrio parahaemolyticus, mercury poisoning, Anasakis simplex: all illnesses contractible from eating raw fish. Anasakis, of particular note, is a worm that can burrow into the wall of the lower intestine, often requiring surgery to remove it. But yeah, sushi's good.

Dr. Carrie Dwyer: I wanted you know that you were right: Morgan had endocarditis. The lab found it on a TEE, which coincidentally is the test you wanted me to run on her. The funny thing is, I didn't order it for her. Some anonymous person put the request in her chart and the lab followed through.

Watson: Remember in our vascular rotation how the chief resident used to always say "better lucky than good"? Sounds to me like you were lucky.

Dwyer: Yeah. I guess I was.

Watson: I know what it's like not to be lucky. It turned my life upside down.

Dwyer: You were always a good friend, Joanie, but you were a better doctor.

Holmes: I must say, Watson, I enjoyed catching a glimpse of you in your former element. It seems to me your friend was right. You were quite a doctor.

Watson: I had my moments.

Holmes: Maybe you'll give it another go one of these days.

Flight Risk [1.06]

Holmes: [shouting over the noise] Too loud? Sorry! I went downstairs to get some cereal; didn't want to miss anything. This city has excellent scanner apps, but there's nothing like the tactility of the original devices, all those dials and buttons.

Watson: You like pushing buttons. I'm stunned. You've been glued to these for the last few days.

Holmes: Slow week, at least in regards to murder and mayhem. Captain Gregson hasn't called once.

Watson: Maybe some lunatic will throw his mother-in-law in the wood chipper, give you something to do today.

(Holmes holds up two crossed fingers.)

Alistair: You can't expect Sherlock Holmes to relate to you the way another person might. The moment you do, he'll migrate out of your life, and you'll be the poorer for it.

One Way to Get Off [1.07]

Sherlock Holmes: I left some urine in your room.

Dr. Joan Watson: ...Tell me it's in a cup.

Victor Nardin: I don't kill those people! Okay?

[Holmes walks into the interrogation room, holding an orange.]

Sherlock Holmes: Victor Nardin, think fast!

[He throws it into Nardin's face.]

Detective Marcus Bell: What are you doing?!

Holmes: This man is innocent. Detective Bell, a word, please?

Nardin: Why he hit me?

Bell: [following Holmes out] Hey, stay right there!

[A moment later, in Gregson's office.]

Bell: So you assault our perp with an orange, and that has you convinced he's innocent?

The Long Fuse [1.08]

[Holmes and Watson are watching Bell interview a suspect.]

Watson: You don't look convinced.

Holmes: Bomb building is a dangerous venture. It requires patience, precision, attention to detail. Mr. Jacobs' wristwatch is nine minutes slow, and his fly is three-quarters down. That doesn't scream "detail-oriented".

Watson: Ted Kaczynski looked like a hobo puked another hobo. He managed to hurt plenty of people.

Holmes: And point taken.

Watson: One way or the other, I'm going to be out of your life in a few weeks. Maybe you're dreading that day. Maybe you're counting the seconds. Either way, I'm going to make sure you're ready when the time comes. I promise.

You Do It To Yourself [1.09]

Holmes: (examining a body) No shell casings,, no skull fragments, no gray matter. He was killed elsewhere and then dumped here.

Det. Bell: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

Holmes: A pig's orgasm lasts up to thirty minutes.

Det. Bell: (in the victim's office) Appointment book. Maybe it'll tell us what he got up to last night.

Holmes: Unlikely he would notate trips to an underground Chinese gambling parlor.

Det. Bell: Excuse me?

Holmes: That's what he was doing last night.

Det. Bell: I know you're just waiting for me to ask you why you think that.

(pause)

Det. Bell: Why do you think that?

Holmes: I'm glad you asked!

(later)

Holmes: Mah-jongg tiles come in pairs, why would he hold on to one of each?

Det. Bell: Because these tiles aren't for playing. They're membership cards to underground casinos. Aren't you gonna ask me how I knew that?

(Holmes just stares.)

Det. Bell: Fine, whatever.

Watson: I texted you. You didn't have to come.

Holmes: As I explained the other day, there's nothing more hazardous to my health than boredom. Besides, I thought it might be nice to meet the ex.

Watson: I'm pretty sure he's not going to show.

Holmes: And here you sit.

Watson: I'll give him ten more minutes. If there's someplace else you have to be...

Holmes: Not tonight, Watson. Not tonight.

The Leviathan [1.10]

[Watson, bemused, greets one and then two half-dressed women (identical twins) emerging from Sherlock's bedroom, followed by Sherlock himself.]

Holmes: If you must know, Watson, the Lynch sisters and I share a mutually beneficial relationship.

Watson: If I must know? I didn't ask.

Holmes: I need to study the differences that arise between two people with the same genetic material - in the Lynches' case, there are seven major ones - and they get-

Watson: I... didn't... ask!

Micah Erlich: If you know our work, you know that we introduced a new flagship product in 2009, "The Leviathan."

Holmes: Yes, the safe that you marketed as "impregnable." Did you people learn nothing from the Titanic?

Holmes: Before you say anything, I would like to remind you that I'm holding an ax.

Holmes: It's obvious what happened: one of the original team sold the recipe for breaching The Leviathan to an outside party.

Watson: That's obvious?

Holmes: When you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.

Watson: And what's impossible here is that you couldn't break into the safe but someone else could. In other words, you are the smartest man in the world. [pause] I'm waiting for you to challenge me and say that's ridiculous.

Watson: I put a lock code on here to prevent you from sending out texts!

Holmes: I was hired to breach The Leviathan. Did you really think I wouldn't be able to get into your phone?

Watson: I know you're going to blow this off, but I'm going to say it anyway: thank you. I've never been able to make my family understand what I do.

Holmes: Yes, well I meant very little of what I said.

Watson: There's the blowing off part.

Holmes: I know my audiences; I simply told them what they wanted to hear. They're nice people, your family, but they are, at their core, conventional. You make an effort to appear conventional, but I know, Watson, that you share my love of all that is bizarre and outside the humdrum routine of ordinary life. Your family will never understand this, so I gave them some words that they would understand.

Holmes: I suppose being proven right is the best gift of all. There was no genius who independently cracked the Leviathan. It was a question of copying the original team.

Watson: So that means you still might be the smartest person in the world.

Holmes: I would never suggest that.

Watson: Really? I think that's the first time I've ever heard you say anything remotely modest.

Holmes: That's not modesty. There's just no reliable way to test the hypothesis.

Mary Watson: I know you think that I don't like your new career.

Watson: To put it mildly.

Mary Watson: You're right, I don't like it, but not for the reasons that you think. I'm not happy that you're a sober companion, because it never seems to make you happy.

Watson: How do you know what makes me happy?

Mary Watson: I know because you're my daughter. After you left medicine, after what happened with Liam, I've always thought that this job was something that you picked out of, I don't know, out of a sense of duty. When you came to dinner the other night, when the two of you talked about Sherlock's work, I saw something in you. It was a spark. A sense of excitement. I haven't seen that in you in a long time. You like what he does.

Watson: Yes, okay. I enjoy it, but I'm not a detective, Mom, and I'm almost done working with Sherlock and then it's on to another client.

Mary Watson: Will the next client make you happy? People find their paths in the strangest of ways.

Dirty Laundry [1.11]

Watson: How do you deal with cases not working out the way you want them to?

Holmes: The only promise a puzzle makes is an answer. Liking the answer doesn't factor in; in our line of work, it mustn't.

Holmes: I'm quite proud of you, Watson. Your doggedness. I give you as much credit for solving this case as I do myself.

Watson: Thanks.

Holmes: No wonder you're so keen to be my associate.

Watson: Sherlock --

Holmes: As I proposed the other day, you can tell my father I've hit a bit of a rough patch. He'll keep the checks coming and you can continue to hone your skills.

Watson: I took another job this morning. I work with other therapists and I was referred to another client, so I'll be starting with him next week after you and I wrap up.

Holmes: I see. I'm usually quite good with deductions.

Watson: Are you okay?

Holmes: My dear Watson, whenever am I not?

M. [1.12]

Therapist: I know how invigorating you found his work. You went from being a surgeon to an addiction counselor. There's no reason you couldn't make another change. Pursue work of a more, investigative nature.

Watson: Yeah, I'm not interested in becoming an investigator. I like what I do right now.

Therapist: Well there's the rub I'm afraid. Short of your client falling off the wagon, your "right now" is coming to an end.

Watson: [To Holmes] I'm going to miss this. Well, maybe not this, but this. Working with you, I think what you do is amazing. I wanted to tell you that at the wrap up dinner but it seems less and less likely that's going to happen.

Watson: It's funny, when I moved in, you didn't mention anything about your little uhh, surveillance system.

Holmes: This is my sanctum sanctorum. Did you honestly believe there wouldn't be security measures?

Watson: OK, is that M (gestures to a photo)? You told a bunch of children to go to upscale hotels to look for him, why?

Holmes: Note the hands, vintage MG driving gloves. Quite expensive, but not nearly as expensive as his John Varvatos shoes. M has money. That much is obvious. He's also a recent immigrant to New York. Why did I assume he'd be in a hotel as oppose to a property he might own? Well it's quite simple, I noted a curious scent on the note that he left. I quickly realized it was, in fact, a combination of scents. Those of the high end hand soap and an even higher end mint based shampoo. Each product is used by various upscale hotels around the city but only one chain, The Bettancourt, stocks both. My attendants and I each took a Bettancourt and watched for M.

Watson: Right, that's all very impressive, but I wanna know why you shared a photo of a wanted serial killer with a bunch of kids instead of going to the NYPD.

Holmes: Several weeks ago you learned of the existence of a woman named Irene Adler. I told you she died.

Watson: M killed her.

Holmes: Obviously he realized the degree to which I was assisting the British police in the hunt to find him. He zeroed in on me, made things personal. As to why I'm withholding information from the NYPD, it's quite simple. I have no intention of capturing M. I have every intention of torturing, and murdering him.

Moran: I knew you'd make the right decision. You're a rare thing in this world, Holmes. You're an honorable man.

Holmes: A famous statistician once stated that while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will do, but you can, with precision, say what an average man will do. Individuals vary, percentages remain constant. So says the statistician. I... am not an average man. (stabs Moran)

The Red Team [1.13]

(Holmes is studying his board of clues and theories to the identity of "Moriarty".)

Watson: And how does Napoleon Bonaparte fit in?

Holmes: By the time of my third night without sleep, I may have been reaching.

Watson: Your hobby is conspiracy theories?

Holmes: No, of course not. Conspiracy theories are pure sophistry. Large groups of people cannot keep secrets. My hobby is conspiracy theorists. I adore them as one would a barmy uncle or a pet that can’t stop walking into walls.

Watson: I thought there was no such thing as conspiracy theories?

Holmes: Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, Watson.

Watson: Oh, it's that simple? You're just going to find five classified names?

Holmes: Why not? It's my day off.

Watson: Their plan to attack it was so good they made it a national secret.

Holmes: The world is balanced on a knife edge of destruction every single day. You accept that, and you can just get on with things.

The Deductionist [1.14]

Watson: I'm glad your bust was such a success last night, but this place still smells like stripper.

Watson: I'm going to bed. You need anything?

Holmes: I know that Catherine Drummond is obsessed with her work. She prides herself on the accuracy of her profiles, but do you think she would have gone so far as to destroy a family to lend credence to one of her claims?

Watson: Did you ever consider the possibility that she lied about you in the article?

Holmes: What would she have to gain? I was never revealed as the subject in the article. No one ever compared me to it. Anyway, she got a good deal right.

Watson: She predicted your drug problem. So what? You got clean. You picked up your career right where you left off, and you even made a friend, something that Catherine claimed in her article was virtually impossible. Me. I'm talking about me. Look, my point is, the only thing that anyone can predict about people with 100 percent certainty is that they'll change, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

(Holmes is watching the amateur pornographic movie that was shot in Watson's apartment.)

Holmes: If I were you, I wouldn't be upset that a dirty movie was produced in my home. I would be upset that it was produced so sloppily. And if you haven't already, I strongly recommend that you find yourself a new spatula.

(Joan vacates her apartment after finding out that her sublet used it to shoot a pornographic movie.)

Bruce: What do you want?

Joan: I want you and Cooper to pay for all of my stuff to be put in storage until I find a new place. I also want $1,200 for that couch, because after everything it's been through in that movie, it needs to be taken out back and shot.

A Giant Gun, Filled With Drugs [1.15]

Watson: How are you not a total wreck right now? If my kid was taken and held for ransom, I don't know if I could keep it together. You seem quite... I don't know, Zen.

Rhys Kinlan: I made a delivery once to Holmes at Scotland Yard. Crazy, right? Crazier still, he invites me to stay and watch him assist in the interrogation of this lunatic who'd been planting car bombs all over the city. The police knew there was another one out there, but they didn't know where it was. Holmes is in the room with the guy for, like, five minutes, figures out where the bomb is from a couple of stains on the guy's shoes. You ask why I'm not a total wreck? Because I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

Details [1.16]

Holmes: In the meantime, you should expect more guerilla-style tests of your ability to fight back!

(Watson's door slams.)

Holmes: (evil smile) You have been warned.

Holmes: (on Officer Reyes) She boxes. I can tell from her knuckles and the tape residue. Perhaps she would agree to spar with you. Give me an idea of what you might be like with an opponent in your similar weight class.

Watson: Are you sure this sudden new interest in my safety has nothing to do with watching two women engage in some foxy boxing?

Holmes: You think you're foxy?

(Holmes throws a tennis ball at Watson's back.)

Watson: OW! What the hell was that about?!

Holmes: Don't be cross. It could have been a knife.

Watson: Ah, I take the bathroom is also a bust.

Holmes: That depends. Can you think of any reason that Bell would have a lingerie catalog on which your head has been super-imposed on almost all of the models? (Watson looks outraged) He hasn't, but can you think of any reason he would?

Watson: You know what, I appreciate your concern with my safety, I really do, but I think we need to have a conversation about boundaries. Okay, you've given me this incredible window into what you do, and you know what? It is fascinating. But at the end of the day, I am not your apprentice, I am your sober companion.

Holmes: No, you're not! No, you are not. You haven't been for quite some time.

Watson: Sherlock, what are you-?

Holmes: I know that you lied to me several weeks ago, when you said that my father had renewed your contract. I found out when I telephoned him last week. I'm not angry. If anything, I am grateful. You saw that I was in a raw state and you stayed to see me through it. Now when I learned of the lie, however, I deliberately adopted a more sanguine mood. I wanted you to see that I was well again, so that you could move on. But the most curious thing happened: you stayed. Days passed, then a week. It became clearer and clearer that you were not staying for me, but for yourself.

Watson: Sherlock, I-

Holmes: It's difficult for you to say aloud, I know. So I won't ask you to. Rather, I would ask you to consider a proposal: stay on permanently. Not as my sober companion, but as my companion. Allow me to continue to teach you, assist me in my investigations. In return you will receive a stipend that will, at least, equal the salary my father was paying you.

Watson: You don't even have a source of income.

Holmes: I have certain funds set aside. You may continue to reside at the brownstone. You may reside elsewhere. You may also consider yourself relieved of any and all confidentiality burdens with regards to my sobriety. This is an important decision and I encourage you to discuss it with others. Explain what you have been to me, and what I believe you can be to me... a partner.

(He puts on his coat and starts to leave, but then turns back.)

Holmes: Oh, and lest you think this is an act of charity, a gift from a grateful client, let me assure you it is not. I am better with you Watson. I'm sharper, I'm more focused. Difficult to say why, exactly. Perhaps in time I'll solve that as well.

Marcus: I gotta ask. The note you left, "was not Marcus".

Andre: You told me someone tried to frame you for a shooting, I don't know, I just figured maybe it was the same guy.

Detective Bell: No, I know, but we fought yesterday. You were shot in the back. No way you saw who did it, no way you could have known for sure it wasn't me.

Andre: But I did know. I know you. And you gotta look out for family, even when they disappoint you.

Watson: There's just one thing we're going to need for this to work.

Holmes: Oh, what's that?

(She throws a basketball into his face.)

Holmes: Ow!

Watson: Could have been a knife.

Possibility Two [1.17]

Sherlock: Strain yourself to be alert to the bizarre and the unusual; that which has no place in any given picture.

Watson: Like that stretch limo with the driver staring straight at us?

(repeated line)

Sherlock: (to Watson) You're a detective now, you tell me.

Watson: Hey, what's this?

Sherlock: You're a detective now, you tell me.

Watson: Ah, it looks like you left your dry cleaning ticket for me.

Sherlock: Which is why I am considering possibility two.

Watson: (looks at board) It's blank.

Sherlock: Possibility two has stubbornly refused to reveal itself.

Watson: Well, keep staring at the wall, I'm sure it's hiding in there somewhere.

Sherlock: A good detective knows that every task, every interaction, no matter how seemingly banal, has the potential to contain multitudes. I live my life alert to this possibility. I expect my colleagues to do the same.

Déjà Vu All Over Again [1.18]

Watson: I just have one question... What kind of name is Sherlock?

Holmes: The human face, Watson, is like the penis, or so said the great personality theorist Silvan Tomkins. The point being, the face, like the male member, has a mind of its own. It betrays us on an almost daily basis, advertises our secrets to those who know what to look for.

Watson: You think you can find the guy from a patch?

Holmes: Stranger things, Watson...

Watson: If you were working this case... What would your next step be?

Watson: (to Holmes) I keep thinking if you were the one to break into the trunk, she would have been there.

Holmes: Have I told you how distracting I find self-doubt? If you're going to wallow, you'll have to do it in the privacy of your own room.

Holmes: How, in this case, does "A" lead to "B"?

Watson: Maybe "A" didn't lead to "B"... maybe "B" led to "A".

Watson: But don't take my word for it. I'm just a woman with a crazy story...

Snow Angels [1.19]

Holmes: Would you please give [Captain Gregson] this message? "Fairly certain E-R-O-C will be robbed today, connected to security guard murder, Sherlock Holmes. Over." Right, we need to get to East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Watson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought the whole reason we left the house was because we could not reach the police.

Holmes: Well, we have no idea if they're going to get the message, or whether they can spare the manpower if by some miracle they do get the message. And we don't even have any proof. No, the most sensible course is for us to go to EROC ourselves.

Watson: And do what? What if there are fifty commandos shooting up the place?

Holmes: Well, I have my whistle. (Watson starts to protest) I don't know what's gonna happen next! That's what makes this an adventure. So, Pam, very sorry to do this, but we're commandeering this vehicle on behalf of the NYPD. Let's go!

Pam: (unimpressed) You, get out. (to Watson) You, I can give a ride home to if you want.

Holmes: Yesterday you complained when I took Ms. Hudson in.

Watson: Yesterday I was upset because you brought a stranger into our shared living space without asking. Today she's no longer a stranger. I like Ms. Hudson. You know, she's lost. She's just trying to figure herself out.

Holmes: You identify with her. She's like you were before you met me.

Watson: What?

Holmes: Lost, trying to figure yourself out.

Watson: No, I reject that analogy. I just want to help her. I think it would be good if Ms. Hudson learned to take care of herself, that's all.

Dead Man's Switch [1.20]

Holmes: I have a particular disdain for blackmailers. They are, in some respects, more despicable to me than even murderers.

Holmes: Two years ago, Charles Milverton referred a client to 'The Sheriff.' His name was Abraham Zelner, a morbidly obese man who wanted to sue an airline for removing him from a flight. Zelner was the only client that Milverton referred. Earlier we were theorizing that 'HENRY8' was Milverton's accomplice. Henry the Eighth, as I'm sure you're aware, was the fattest monarch in British history.

Watson: So you think Zelner was his accomplice, and that Milverton gave him that code name because he was heavyset?

Holmes: Orson Welles was heavyset. Abraham Zelner could pull small moons out of orbit.

Holmes: (answers phone) The Brownstone is on fire, my bees have escaped, and there is a giant comet headed for Manhattan.

Watson: Excuse me?

Holmes: The way the evening is going, I thought you could only be calling with more good news.

A Landmark Story [1.21]

Moran: [Singing] Sherlock's up and Sherlock's down but he's always wears that sacred frown!

Sherlock: [To Watson] The thing that's different about me is you.

Watson:[To Sherlock] I am dissecting a body in the middle of the night. We are not having a moment.

Moriarty: My name is Moriarty. I believe we're overdue for a chat

Watson:[To Sherlock] Wow, and insult and a boast.

Risk Management [1.22]

Gregson: There's something you got to try to understand. Guys like him, they walk between the raindrops, they don't get wet. People like you do. People like his ex-girlfriend do.

Watson: You're in the danger zone also.

Gregson: I've been a cop for 30 years! I carry a gun!

Watson: [muttering] And a penis.

The Woman [1.23]

Watson: I'm not your sober companion anymore, but I know a relapse trigger when I see one.

Proctor: Moriarty said you weren't to be harmed- but then, last night, she tried to have me killed!

Sherlock Holmes:... She? (Proctor aims his gun for the kill, but is suddenly shot five times from behind; as he falls dead, Irene comes through the door with her gun raised)

Irene Adler/ Jamie Moriarty: (now speaking with an English accent)...Bet you wish you'd run away with me when you had the chance.

Sherlock Holmes: ...Moriarty.

Heroine [1.24]

Jamie Moriarty: This isn't... how, or when, I wanted to reveal myself to you. (glances at the corpse of her rogue agent) But, Mr. Proctor forced the issue.

Sherlock Holmes: (struggling and in pain from his gunshot wound) This is a ruse. You... So- who was the man I, uh, spoke to on the phone, who said he was Moriarty?

Jamie Moriarty: You talked with one of my lieutenants- he has, over the years, played the role repeatedly and with great conviction. More often than not, he's done so to protect my identity. At other times, it was because I suspected a potential client might...struggle... with my gender (contemptuously) As if men had a monopoly on murder. (she retrieves the gun from Proctor's corpse)

Sherlock Holmes:... What if I don't believe you?

Jamie Moriarty: You don't want to believe me... and yet, your legendary powers of observation are screaming that I'm telling the truth right now.

Sherlock Homes: Why would you do this? Seduce me, and then lead me to believe you'd been murdered...

Jamie Moriarty: Well, you're the detective, Sherlock- you tell me.

Sherlock Holmes:... (smirking) Well, I must have interrupted one of your plans while I was working in Scotland Yard.

Jamie Moriarty: Try several plans. A series of assassinations I'd calculated, meticulously. (walks around Proctor's body)

Sherlock Holmes: ...Punishment, then?

Jamie Moriarty: My first instinct was to kill you. Quietly- discreetly. But then, the more I learned about you, the more curious I became. Here, at last, seemed to be a mind that... that rivaled my own, something too complicated and too beautiful to destroy. At least, without further analysis. (sits down) So, I devised a way to study you, in your own environment.

Sherlock Holmes:...You became Irene. (sits up, slowly and painfully)

Jamie Moriarty: (chuckles) Imagine my surprise when I realized how much we have in common.

Sherlock Holmes: (deadpan) I have about as much in common with you as I do a dung beetle.

Jamie Moriarty: (nods) ...I can understand why you would think so. (smiles) I know how much pride you take in your "uniqueness". (looks serious) But, the truth is, I see everything you do. I feel it. Makes the world quite dull, no? (gestures at Proctor's body) Looking at a man, and knowing all his secrets.

Sherlock Holmes: (sarcastically) So you're saying we're the same.

Jamie Moriarty: I'm saying I'm better. (leans forward) And, that's why I let you live, back in London- you were not the threat I'd made you out to be. (Sherlock glares at her, she looks away) So, I... concluded my experiment, and resumed my business. You then proceeded to prove you were inferior, by disappearing into a syringe.

Sherlock Holmes: Hmmm... Why resurface in New York?

Jamie Moriarty: (looks away again, stands up)... I'd heard of your- your miraculous recovery, and I, um... I was curious to see how far you'd come.

Sherlock Holmes: (laughs coldly) That's bollocks. Returning to me is a risk, and you'd only take it... if I was close to undermining another of your plots. (nods) That's why you wanted me to leave the country with me earlier, was it not?

Jamie Moriarty: (shakes her head, smiles) Same old Sherlock. You look at people, and you see puzzles. I see games. You... you're a game I'll win every time.

Sherlock Holmes: (nods to the gun in her hand) You might as well just kill me now, because whatever it is you're going to do... I'll stop you

Jamie Moriarty: (stares at him intently, then shakes her head) I would never kill you. Not in a million years... you may not be as unique as you thought, darling, but you're still a work of art. I appreciate art. (nods to herself) What I- I can do- what I will do- (kneels down directly in front of Sherlock, until they are eye-to-eye, inches apart) is hurt you. Worse than I did before. I have reserves of creativity I haven't even begun to tap. (pause) So, please... for your own good... let me win. (she stands up and walks out, Sherlock keels over from the pain in his shoulder)

Sherlock Holmes: (to Moriarty) You said there was only one person in the world who could surprise you... turns out, there's two.

Season 2

Step Nine [2.01]

[Watson decks a criminal with her baton.]

Sherlock: You've been tending to your self-defense. Well done.

Joan: It seems like this is very personal. Are you sure you want me to come along?

Sherlock: Without you the airline might seat me next to a morbidly obese person, or a child, or a morbidly obese child.

Hopkins: Good God, man. You look exactly the same!

Sherlock: As do you. Except that you've gained exactly one and a quarter stone, and your hairline's receded by half an inch.

Hopkins: You're slipping. I've gained exactly one and a half stone.

Sherlock: I'm not slipping, I've just grown more courteous.

Sherlock: Fatty, this is Watson. Watson, this is Fatty.

Mycroft: Fatty? (pats his stomach) I'd say I've slimmed down quite a bit, wouldn't you?

Sherlock: Lap band?

Mycroft: Exercise.

Sherlock: Exercise requires energy and ambition, and you've never had either.

Mycroft: Sherlock is addicted to being himself.

Sherlock: [to Joan] I'm curious to know which one of us is right about my brother. I have my money on me.

Solve For X [2.02]

Bell: Where's your better half?

Sherlock: One mystery at a time, Detective.

[after Sherlock explains Harlan's background as a mathematician]

Watson: And you brought him here to help you make sense of the equations you found in the victim's house. I get that. What I don't get, is why he isn't wearing a shirt.

Sherlock: Every great thinker has a process, Watson. In Harlan's case, he doesn't like there to be anything between him and the numbers. Now I know you can feel quite Victorian about such things, so I gave him a little bell to ring in case he feels the need to disrobe completely. Having said that, I can't guarantee he won't sit on the furniture.

Harlan: I've figured it out! It's P vs. NP!

[Sherlock and Watson look at him blankly.]

Harlan: Guys, come on! It's one of the most famous problems in math history...!

Sherlock: Harlan, if we were mathematicians, you would not be here.

Sherlock: I know all about poisons, Watson, I've become an expert on them. But over the past few years, I've come to understand that there is nothing on this planet so toxic as guilt.

We Are Everyone [2.03]

Joan: In other words, you plan on arguing on the internet all night.

Sherlock: No Belgian is that bad at backgammon.

[Emily buys Joan a six-month subscription to TrueRomantix.com.]

Joan: I meet people, you know. My life is not that weird!

[Sherlock texts her a series of photos: LEGO figures arranged in gruesome tableaux.]

Joan: Staged suicide, obviously. No one sticks their head in the oven anymore... (off Emily's look) Shut up, please.

Sherlock: What are you doing?

Joan: I'm looking at profiles of guys who winked at me on TrueRomantix.

Sherlock: I weep for the whole desperate lot of you.

Poison Pen [2.04]

Joan: Well, it certainly sounds like you had feelings for her.

Sherlock: Perhaps but... nothing so mundane as love. I was adrift back then. I had-had no purpose. My so-called peers made me feel that that might always be the case. Abigail, she gave me a gift. A view inside a mind capable of murder.

Watson: So she was your first...

Sherlock: Killer, yeah. Without intending to, she-she helped me understand who I was and-and what I might do with my life.

Sherlock: First time in my career someone's alibi for murder has been that they were busy planning the same murder. If it weren't so frustrating, it would be interesting.

Ancient History [2.05]

Sherlock: Sometimes, Watson, when one wants a diamond, one must resort to digging in a diamond mine.

Joan: For future reference, a morgue is not a diamond mine.

Sherlock: It's better. Diamonds are just pressed coal; corpses have stories, secrets.

An Unnatural Arrangement [2.06]

Screenwriter: Cathryn Humphris

Sherlock: Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken this long for the captain's marriage to buckle. He's an excellent detective.

Joan: What does that have to do with it?

Sherlock: Well, as you know, detection is a calling, not a job. Hardly leaves one with time left over to sustain the elaborate ruse of marriage.

Joan: Because, of course, you think marriage is an elaborate ruse.

Sherlock: There are other ways to describe it. An unnatural arrangement which forces its participants into an unhealthy monogamy. An accretion of petty fights and resentful compromises which, like Chinese water torture, slowly transforms both parties into howling, neurotic versions of their former selves.

Gregson: What I want... is to be with my wife.

Cheryl: Now? After 28 years of missed dinners and weekends at the precinct?

Gregson: Come on. When did I ever tell you I wanted to be anything but a cop?

Cheryl: When did I tell you that I was always gonna be okay with that?

The Marchioness [2.07]

Screenwriters: Christopher Hollier, Craig Sweeny

Sherlock: I often wonder if I should have been born in another time. [...] My senses are unusually--well, one could even say, unnaturally keen. And ours is an era of distraction. It's a punishing drumbeat of constant input. This cacophony which follows us into our homes and into our beds, and seeps into our...into our souls, for want of a better word. For a long time, there was only one poultice for my raw nerve endings, and that was copious drug use. So in my less productive moments, I'm given to wonder...If I'd just been born when it was a little quieter out there, would I have even become an addict in the first place? Might I have been more focussed? A more fully realized person?

Addict: (joking) When, Ancient Greece?

Sherlock: Have you any idea what passed for dental care in the Hellenic era?

Sherlock: Could you just stay out of the eyeline?

Mycroft: You're joking. I was just standing here.

Sherlock: Yes, that's the problem.

Joan: [Sherlock is jabbing her while she's sleeping] Why are you poking me with your single stick?

Sherlock: I'm prodding the sheets in order to determine whether or not my brother is in there with you.

Sherlock: [to Mycroft] Would you kindly get in touch with the Marchioness? I would very much like to ask her why drug dealers want to murder her horse.

Nigella: It seems that I'm at the mercy of the Holmes brothers.

Blood is Thicker [2.08]

Screenwriter: Bob Goodman

Delivery driver: [to youth studying book] What's today's word?

Youth: Borborygnus.

Delivery driver: What's that mean?

Youth: [reads from book as if it were a spelling bee] "The sound of your stomach grumbling." Borborygnus.

Delivery driver: Some words we just don't need, heh.

Joan: This is one of those "so many questions" moments. Why only three times a year?

Sherlock: Well, I'm not sure, having never milked a moose. I imagine one must catch it in the right mood.

Sherlock: You must by now be aware of my opinions regarding food. My wants in life are simple: a loaf of bread and a clean collar. The ritualization-slash-fetishization of eating is as egregious a waste of time as I can think of.

On the Line [2.09]

Gregson: Everybody? Listen up. It has come to my attention that there's some of you that aren't thrilled the way some things are done around here. Think I've given our consultants a little too much sway. Some friends of mine wanted to let me know before it was too late to right the ship. And I appreciate that. We've got a mission here. It's to protect this city and the citizens that live in it. You are all part of that effort every day. Most of you do yourselves and this department proud. And for that, I want to thank you. But if anybody has a problem with how I utilize all the tools at my disposal, be it Holmes and Watson or the coffee machine... (in an adamantine overtone) there's the door. Back to work.

Sherlock: I've given further consideration to your rebuke regarding my capacity for niceness.

Joan: I didn't mean it as a rebuke. I was trying to have a conversation.

Sherlock: Either way. You have a point. There is unquestionably a certain social utility to being polite. To maintaining an awareness of other people's sensitivities. To exhibiting all the traits that might commonly be grouped under the heading nice.

Joan: I think you'll be surprised how easy it is to earn that designation.

Sherlock: No. I am not a nice man. It's important that you understand that. It's going to save you a great deal of time and effort. There is not a warmer, kinder me waiting to be coaxed out into the light. I am acerbic. I can be cruel. It's who I am. Right to the bottom. I'm neither proud of this, nor ashamed of it. It simply is. And in my work, my nature has been an advantage far more often than it has been a hindrance. I'm not gonna change.

Joan: You already have. You're not the same person I met a year and a half ago. You're--

Sherlock: Good to you? Yeah. For the most part. I consider you to be... exceptional. So I make an exceptional effort to accommodate you. But you must accept that, for as long as you choose to be in my life, there will occasionally be fallout from my behavior. That must be a part of our understanding.

Joan: No one can accept something like that forever.

Sherlock: To thine own self, Watson.

Tremors [2.10]

Cassandra: How did you learn about Mr. Dylan's criminal record?

Sherlock: When I learned that James Dylan had sold Rada Hollingsworth her viatical, I did some cursory research into his background, research his employers had apparently neglected to do. That's the beauty of the Internet. Twenty-four-seven access to everything from twerking kittens to criminal records.

(in flashback)

Gregson: Give the man a moment, would you? He's a brave and brilliant instrument of justice. All we gotta do is stay out of his way, and he'll lead us right to the truth.

(flash-forward)

Judge: I've known Tommy Gregson a long time. I'm guessing he didn't actually say that.

Holmes: He may have used different words to make the same point.

Internal Audit [2.11]

The Diabolical Kind [2.12]

Screenwriters: Robert Doherty, Craig Sweeny

Sherlock: [voice-over, in a letter to Moriarty] We have spilled much ink, you and I, in our discussion of human connection, and we're no closer to understanding than we were when our correspondence began. I often feel as if I am standing on one side of a wide chasm, shouting across, and wondering if the response I hear comes from you, or if it is my own voice, echoing back to me. It seems to me, on my side of the canyon, the search for unity with another is the font of much of the world's unhappiness. I watch as Watson, eager as ever to extract some meaning from the prevailing social conventions, endures a series of curated mating rituals. It seems to me that she's incrementally less content each time she returns from one. I conduct myself as though I'm above matters of the heart, chiefly because I have seen them corrode people I respect. But in my candid moments I sometimes wonder if I take the stance I do because "love," for lack of a better word, is a game that I fail to understand, and so I opt not to play. After all, if I truly had the purity of all my convictions, I wouldn't regret so many of the things I've done, nor would I persist against many of my better instincts in this correspondence. I find you a challenge; one that, in spite of all that you've done, continues to stimulate. And so the conversation - futile though it may finally be - continues, and we are left to wonder, have we simply failed to find the answers to the questions that preoccupy us, or can they not be answered at all? Fortunately for both of us, the world always presents the next diversion - the next elaborate distraction - from the problems that vex...

Moriarty: You look a bit tired.

Sherlock: You look a bit evil.

Moriarty: Would you be surprised to learn you've been on my mind, Joan Watson?

Joan: Not really.

Moriarty: I don't typically misread people, but you're more clever than I initially anticipated. More interesting. If you weren't, I would never have been caught.

Joan: I think you give me too much credit.

Moriarty: It's what you crave, is it not? Acknowledgment from a superior mind. Evidence that you matter. Why else pursue a partnership with a man like Sherlock?

Joan: Actually the partnership was his idea. That bothers you, doesn't it?

Moriarty: I confess I don't understand it, but I'm drawn to things I don't understand. Same as Sherlock. Once I've figured you out, I'll move on. Same as Sherlock.

Joan: Is that why you've been writing him? Because you want to... understand him?

Moriarty: Part of it, I suppose.

Joan: And the rest?

Moriarty: What do you think?

Joan: You think you're in love with him. Only you can't be sure, because as much as you claim to know about the world, love is something you don't quite get.

Moriarty: You'd be surprised what I'd do for love.

Joan: Nothing crazy people do surprises me.

Moriarty: I write to Sherlock because he's the only person on the planet I can really talk to. He writes to me because I'm the only one he can talk to. The only one he can ever truly relate to. If you still don't understand that, you will someday. I promise.

Sherlock: Did you say everything you wanted to say today? To Moriarty? That is why you accompanied her to the Fuller residence, is it not? So you would have a private dialogue with her?

Joan: Well, you have been hogging her for the last few months.

Sherlock: I told you. I have merely been--

Joan: Studying her. Right. You have feelings for her, and that is perfectly normal.

Sherlock: I have nothing of the sort.

Joan: Irene was the love of your life. That is why, in spite of everything, you can't quite give her up. I get that. But I also know that you're only gonna get hurt in the long run because there is no Irene. There is only Moriarty. And Moriarty is never gonna change.

Sherlock: [to Joan, re Moriarty] The woman is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma I've had sex with. I would be lying if I said I was the strongest assessor of her motives at this point.

Moriarty: Your letters have meant a great deal to me. I find them influencing my decisions in the most surprising ways.

Sherlock: You could have killed Agent Mattoo. And from your perspective, it would have been the expedient thing.

Moriarty: And yet, to you, it would have been repugnant. Tell me, is that how you learned to be one of them? By learning to care how your actions seemed in the eyes of another?

Sherlock: I'm not sure I am one of them.

All in the Family [2.13]

Sherlock: I was attempting to get a rise out of you, to remind you that no matter where you go or how tedious the work you undertake, it will not change what you are, a detective.

Detective Bell: I am a detective.

Sherlock: Well, you still carry the title, yeah. But it's more than that, isn't it? It's a calling. It's your calling. You are not an analyst. You are not an assessor of data. You transferred from Major Crimes either because your pride would not allow you to occupy the same space as me or because you're feeling sorry for yourself. In either case, a pathetic excuse.

Detective Bell: I have a tremor in my hand. I can't shoot, can't get out on the street and work cases because of you!

Sherlock: Bollocks! You could've stayed in Major Crimes until you completed your rehab!

Detective Bell: You're assuming my rehab can be completed!

Sherlock: Because I have faith in you! I have faith in your perseverance! Be my friend, don't be my friend, whatever, but don't be so foolish as to confuse punishing me with punishing yourself!

Detective Bell: You know what I thought the first time I met you? Man, it comes easy for that guy. Well, I'm sorry. It doesn't come that easy to the rest of us.

Sherlock: I am a drug addict, Marcus. A drug addict. And it might seem like an abstraction to you because I have been sober since I made your acquaintance. But two years ago, I was as pitiable a soul as you will ever meet. With help, I fought back, and I got a little bit better. I know what I'm supposed to do with my life. Do you?

Dead Clade Walking [2.14]

Holmes: Excuse me, I was expecting to find my housemate.

Gay: No problem. I'm Gay.

Holmes: ...I'm not.

Gay: It's my name.

Holmes: ...Yes, of course. I'm Sherlock.

Gay: Hello... I also am. Gay. So, you know, it saves time.

Holmes: ...How efficient.

Watson: Why is Gay asleep on our couch?

Holmes: I worked her hard. Don't be territorial about your geologist, Watson, I was in need of one.

Corpse De Ballet [2.15]

The One Percent Solution [2.16]

Watson: [carrying a caged chicken] Why is Romulus outside my door?

Holmes: That's Remus.

Watson: I don't care which cock I'm holding, I just want to know how it got there...! Okay, congratulations, you got me to say it.

Holmes: I don't know if you've settled on an epitaph yet, but it does occur to me that that would look fantastic on a tombstone.

Ears to You [2.17]

Watson: You're kidding!

Holmes: That's me, Watson. Joke machine.

The Hound of the Cancer Cells [2.18]

The Many Mouths of Aaron Colville [2.19]

No Lack of Void [2.20]

[Sherlock standing with imagined Alistair at his grave]

Alistair: Sherlock Holmes, when did you become such a cliché? Standing over a grave, head heavy with dark thoughts. If this were a scene in a play, I'd have refused to perform it.

Sherlock: I was on my way to a meeting. I'm supposed to speak, you know. Well, I thought this would be a good place to collect my thoughts.

Alistair: I'm sorry I let you down.

Sherlock: You didn't let me down. What you did has got nothing to do with me. I understand that. Came here today because, um, because I loved you very much. And I wanted you to know that you'll be missed.

Alistair: [quoting from 'Waiting for Godot'] At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on.

The Man with the Twisted Lip [2.21]

Paint It Black [2.22]

Art in the Blood [2.23]

The Grand Experiment [2.24]

Season 3

Enough Nemesis to Go Around [3.01]

Sherlock Holmes: I came here to apologize. I owed you, and Detective Bell, a proper good-bye before I left. It was a difficult time. I was--I was thinking of no one but myself.

Capt. Gregson: Must have been a day that ended in "y."

Dr. Joan Watson: Those are singlestick moves. How the hell do you know...singlestick. You don't work for March. You work for Sherlock.

Kitty Winter: I don't work for anyone. I'm his new partner.

Sherlock Holmes: I had to determine how you'd fared in my absence. I wanted to know exactly how much to apologize for. Over the course of the last week, however, it's become clear that you've done remarkably well.

Dr. Joan Watson: The last week--that woman has been following me for a week?!

Sherlock Holmes: I'm torn really. I'm proud of her surveillance, I'm disappointed in your failure to detect it.

Dr. Joan Watson: I got into a baton fight with someone named Kitty?

The Five Orange Pipz [3.02]

Sherlock Holmes: The homicide that's been plaguing you--the file on your desk.

Det. Marcus Bell: The file that was in my drawer?

Det. Marcus Bell: I've never been to London. Hear it's a lot like New York. I guess you guys don't get the same number of gun deaths over there as we do, huh?

Kitty Winter: Not many countries do.

Sherlock Holmes: There's a term in psychology circles, functional fixedness, the understanding we develop as the brain matures that a given object has a given function. In layman's terms, it's "the right tool for the right job." Creativity, on the other hand, is often defined as the freedom from so limiting a cognitive bias. To his credit, Agent Boden has shown remarkable creativity. Everyone else looks at the seized inventory from Openshaw's company and they see a bunch of poison toys. Agent Boden looked at the very same inventory--

Kitty Winter: --and saw millions of dollars in street value of GHB.

Just a Regular Irregular [3.03]

Phillip: What's this?!

Dr. Joan Watson: You're...

Phillip: Not here. I'm not here! Remember that, OK?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh yes, heaven forfend your work with me should endanger your precious day job.

Dr. Joan Watson: You throw knives.

Phillip: [to Sherlock] You know, it was supposed to be just you here.

Sherlock Holmes: Phillip is arguably the greatest knife-thrower in the world. Has been for decades. Only there's little money to be made in the impalement arts, so as a youth he turned to what you Americans term football.

Dr. Joan Watson: Is this a joke?

Sherlock Holmes: Phillip, head and heart.

Phillip: Come on.

Sherlock Holmes: Head and heart!

Phillip throws two knives, hitting head and heart targets on a dummy.

Phillip: Can I go?

Sherlock Holmes: Yeah. [Phillip leaves.] Fifteen years he spent throwing that misshapen ball around. Fifteen years. When I think of the acclaim he could have brought to competitive blade-slinging.

Sherlock Holmes: Your home, Watson, is utterly pleasant.

Dr. Joan Watson: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Sherlock Holmes: When you told me you wanted a life of your own I didn't realize you wanted the same life everyone else has.

Bella [3.04]

Dr. Joan Watson: Everything OK?

Kitty Winter: Thank you for coming. Like I said on the phone, he just won't stop. You got any ideas?

Watson bangs on the window to get Sherlock's attention.

Dr. Joan Watson: You're not planning to destroy the computer are you?!

Sherlock Holmes: No, I'm not planning to destroy the bloody computer!

Dr. Joan Watson: [to Kitty] Just ride it out. If he starts hitting things, use the fire extinguisher on him.

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, this is Mason. Like many of his generation, he's named after a profession his parents would never deign to practice--Hunter, Tanner, Cooper, Mason, so forth.

Mason: Yeah, like Sherlock is such a great name.

Rip Off [3.05]

Sherlock Holmes: It's a nondisclosure agreement. I would like you to sign it.

Kitty Winter: Morning to you, too.

Sherlock Holmes: It is, for the most part, boilerplate. My secrets stay secret. I have powerful enemies, Kitty. I work every day to make more. You are privy to my method and my madness. So you see the risk I'm taking on, do you not?

Kitty Winter: I do, but we've worked together for months, so why all of a sudden--

Sherlock Holmes: I meant to have your signature from the beginning, but timely paperwork is a weakness of mine.

Kitty Winter: I hereby forego my right to tell my non-existent friends that I am pet-sitting a sociopathic tortoise.

Sherlock Holmes: Guarding a puddle? Been demoted have you?

Det. Marcus Bell: Haven't you heard? It's not the size of the crime scene that counts.

Hannah Gregson: You're a son of a bitch, you know that? I told you what I told you in confidence. I told you because I had to tell someone, not because I wanted you to jump my partner in the middle of the street in front of half my precinct.

Capt. Gregson: He didn't get half of what he deserved.

Hannah Gregson: Well I got the whole 15th--people who have no idea what was going on--trying to figure out why you did it. You're not saying anything. Stotz isn't saying anything. But I'm hearing whispers everywhere I go this morning. This is worse than what happened.

Capt. Gregson: The guy laid hands on you. Did you honestly expect me to do nothing?!

Hannah Gregson: I am not nine years old anymore, Dad. I'm a cop. I can handle myself.

Terra Pericolosa [3.06]

Sherlock Holmes: What do you think you're doing?

Dr. Joan Watson: I think I'm picking the lock. Again. You keep doing this! You ask me to come over, and then you don't answer the door when I ring!

Sherlock Holmes: I mean, why are you picking the lock so noisily? Why not just announce the position of your cranium to an awaiting gunman?

Sherlock Holmes: All of history can be viewed through the lens of who stole whose maps. Each discovery, every war, the rise and fall of empires all turned on cartographic espionage.

Sherlock Holmes: Earlier this morning I initiated a dialogue with Mr. Cornblatt under false pretenses. You are currently speaking with Amber1776. I'm an obsequious American history major who's been fawning over his collection. I enjoy water sports and people who don't suck.

Dr. Joan Watson: You are a honey trap.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm a patriot.

Dr. Joan Watson: [to the suspect] Your family still owns land just outside the reservation, land that would be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. But only if the casino went forward. There would be hotels, restaurants--

Sherlock Holmes: Pawnshops, the odd money lender.

The Adventure of the Nutmeg Concoction [3.07]

Sherlock Holmes: What tedium is this?

...

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm surprised you even came down here. I thought this stuff was too boring for you.

Sherlock Holmes: After the events of last night, I could use the calm that a dose of routine drudgery provides.

Dr. Joan Watson: What happened last night?

Sherlock Holmes: Well, we had what I considered to be a promising response to my ad. So photographs of the supposed mayhem were provided, a meeting was set, and it was all going rather well until the man revealed himself to be an undercover police officer. There was a bit of confusion, and some waving of guns.

Dr. Joan Watson: Did you get arrested?

Sherlock Holmes: The appearance of a living Kitty did help my cause, and a phone call to Captain Gregson secured my release. I still maintain that it was a sound tactic. You can't judge an idea just by the results it provides.

Sherlock Holmes: He's painted an entire series of paintings which detail the hallucinogenic effects of ingesting large quantities of the spice.

Kitty Winter: You can get high off nutmeg?

Sherlock Holmes: I can't say it's a particularly satisfying experience, but yeah.

Sherlock Holmes: It really is quite remarkable to me. All this time we've spent together, and you remain a far more interesting person than you give yourself credit for.

End of Watch [3.08]

Sherlock Holmes: My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram or the most intricate analysis and I'm in my very own atmosphere. I can dispense with old cravings and bad habits, but I abhor the dull routine of existence.

Kitty Winter: Does anyone look familiar?

Sherlock Holmes: Supposing someone does, he or she may have not protected my anonymity, but I will not do him or her the same discourtesy. If there are corrective measures to be taken, I shall take them myself.

The Eternity Injection [3.09]

Capt. Gregson: Did you bring a child to work today?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh no, that's Mason. He's older than he looks. A bit.

Dr. Joan Watson: Bella, Edward, Jacob...Immune to supernatural powers of the mind...Wait a minute, are you guys researching the Twilight books?!

Sherlock Holmes: We heard back from our friends at Everyone. They've agreed to compile a list of everyone who's received a payment from Purgatorium Incorporated since its inception last month. In exchange, they want me to compose a treatise on why the character of Bella should have ended up with Jacob rather than Edward. Apparently there's some kind of convention in town, and they want me to read my essay out loud in the lobby. Personally, I see no reason why they couldn't have come to some arrangement which involved all three of them, but that's not the position that Everyone has asked me to take.

Dr. Joan Watson: Everyone never gets tired of embarrassing you, do they?

Sherlock Holmes: Humiliation is the favorite currency of the hacker.

Sherlock Holmes: I used to imagine that a relapse would be the climax to some grand drama. Now I think that if I were to use drugs again, it would in fact be an anticlimax. It would be a surrender to the incessant drip, drip, drip of existence.

Seed Money [3.10]

Kitty Winter: I spent the better part of the day talking to the missing girl's friends and poking around her laptop. I applied your many and varied rules of observation and yielded a single observation: She's a brat.

Sherlock is making a smoothie in Joan's kitchen, waking her up.

Dr. Joan Watson: You broke into my apartment?!

Sherlock Holmes: You break into my home all the time.

Dr. Joan Watson: That is because you force me to!

The Illustrious Client [3.11]

The One That Got Away [3.12]

Kitty Winter: Do you know what I haven't said to anyone in a really long time? "I love you." Isn't that the saddest thing?

Hemlock [3.13]

Sherlock Holmes: Watson, what are you doing here?

Dr. Joan Watson: Oh, I just came here to punch you.

Dr. Joan Watson: Why are you making Clyde paint?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm not forcing him to do anything, he enjoys it.

Dr. Joan Watson: I know you two have worked together or something, but do you really think he's just gonna give you one of his Super Bowl rings?

Sherlock Holmes: You've got no idea what the man owes me.

The Female of the Species [3.14]

Sherlock Holmes: Detective Bell, you're here. Excellent.

Det. Marcus Bell: It's not Detective Bell today. The department told me I had too many vacation days built up, so I had to use 'em or lose 'em.

Sherlock Holmes: I'm aware you're off duty. In fact, that's exactly why I asked you here. I picked up some potentially interesting work involving stolen zebras. I thought it might be an opportunity for you to gain more exposure to my methods.

Det. Marcus Bell: You want me to work a case with you?

Sherlock Holmes: An informal setting is a more fertile learning environment, don't you think? Think of it as a favor.

Det. Marcus Bell: So I'll work for you, and somehow you're doing me a favor?

Sherlock Holmes: Well I do owe you a debt. You'll recall the unfortunate business with you and the bullet.

Det. Marcus Bell: I remember when you got me shot. Look, I get it: You want somebody to talk at, but you don't want to bother Joan right now?

Sherlock Holmes: I will pay you.

Det. Marcus Bell: I'm already getting paid today.

Sherlock Holmes: A donation to the charity of your choice, then.

Det. Marcus Bell: How'd you know I didn't have plans for the day?

Sherlock Holmes: People who are forced by their employers to take time off don't generally have thriving social lives.

Det. Marcus Bell: My rate to the Harlem Youth Club.

Dr. Joan Watson: I wanted something normal, something that was mine....I don't think I can keep our work and my private life separate. It just doesn't seem possible. But you already know that. I mean, it's part of the reason you live the way that you do.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but my choices do not have to be your choices, Watson.

Dr. Joan Watson: I might be better off if they were.

Joan drops a stack of books onto the desk, startling Sherlock awake.

Dr. Joan Watson: Wow, I really enjoyed that.

Dr. Joan Watson: You really are on your best behavior. It must have killed you not to just pick the lock.

Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense. I had several more seconds worth of waiting in me.

Dr. Joan Watson: I feel clear about something. Our work, what we do, it's not just a job now, it's who I am. I'm a detective; I'm ready to embrace that. I live in this world--your world--and I probably will for the rest of my life....It means that it's ridiculous for me to think that I can have a normal life. I'm not gonna do that anymore. Just like I'm not gonna pretend that this isn't the best place for us to do our work.

Sherlock Holmes: You're always welcome to come here. You know that.

Dr. Joan Watson: You don't understand. I'm saying that what I need to do is commit myself to this work completely. The best place for me to do that is here. I want to come back to the brownstone.

When Your Number's Up [3.15]

For All You Know [3.16]

T-Bone and the Iceman [3.17]

The View from Olympus [3.18]

Sherlock Holmes : You're right. I am... remarkable. That's precisely why I can't help you.

Agatha Spurrell : What does you being amazing have to do...

Sherlock Holmes : [interrupts] No no no, I didn't say I was amazing, I said I was remarkable. The things that I do, the things that you care about, um... you think that I do them 'cause I'm a good person. I do them 'cause it would hurt too much not to.

Agatha Spurrell : Because you're a good person.

Sherlock Holmes : No, it hurts, Agatha. [points] All this. Everything I see, everything I hear, touch, smell; the conclusions that I'm able to draw; the things that are revealed to me; the ugliness. My work focuses me. It helps. You say that I'm using my gifts. I say I'm just treating them.

One Watson, One Holmes [3.19]

Sherlock Holmes: I owe you a bit of an apology. I attempted to express my concern for you last night, but my thoughts were distorted by the lens of my own needs. It was not optimally done.

Dr. Joan Watson: Oh, that's okay.

Sherlock Holmes: What I was trying to say was that one of the things I've gained from our collaboration is a working definition of the word friendship. Friendship, I've come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another. It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain. Another thing I've learned is that my isolationist tendencies are decidedly not my best quality. I am not a better person because of a lack of connection. So, I think the healthy thing is for you not to move in my direction. In fact, quite the opposite.

Dr. Joan Watson: That's worth thinking about.

Sherlock Holmes: Our relationship is predicated on one Holmes and one Watson. It's a delicate homeostasis. It doesn't function properly if there are two Holmeses and no Watsons. So while I am sensitive to this is likely a ripple effect from the tragedy, turning yourself into me in response is not good for our partnership.

Sherlock Holmes: Enjoy yourself, Watson.

Dr. Joan Watson: I will try, Holmes.

Cory Evans: You said you're with the NYPD. We're big supporters of law enforcement.

Sherlock Holmes: You're partisan hacks who twist facts until they cohere to a pre-existing viewpoint. All whilst hiding behind the seemingly academic label of a think tank. I despise you and people of your ilk on both sides of the aisle.

A Stitch in Time [3.20]

Under My Skin [3.21]

Sherlock Holmes: That's idiot for "yes."

Sherlock Holmes: I've always found Sousa the musical equivalent of a leafblower.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I thought long and hard about that, Alfredo, and after many, many hours I've come to the most wretched of realizations, one that might curdle your very blood: You are my friend.

The Best Way Out Is Always Through [3.22]

Sherlock Holmes: True prison breaks--those from within the grounds--are rare. Those perpetrated by women, almost unheard of. [sees Watson's expression] It's statistics, Watson. It's not that they fail more; it's just that they don't try.

Sherlock Holmes: For a previously unremarkable drug dealer, Miss Moreno continues to defy expectations. Spree killer is yet another category dominated by men.

Dr. Joan Watson: How does she do it?

Sherlock Holmes: Would you be happier if women were better criminals?

Marcus Bell: She's IA [Internal Affairs].

Sherlock Holmes: The great love of my life is a homicidal maniac. No one's perfect.

Suspect: I think I'd like you to leave now.

Sherlock Holmes: I would want us to leave, too.

Absconded [3.23]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: If I'm not leaving my people in good hands, I'm not leaving my people.

Dr. Joan Watson: You're getting stung by bees on purpose?

Sherlock Holmes: Obviously.

Capt. Thomas Gregson: Anyone ever tell you you're not much of a statesman?

Sherlock Holmes: Some statesmen have.

Sherlock Holmes: I've interviewed blind men who were better witnesses than that. Three of them. No, four.

A Controlled Descent [3.24]

Season 4

The Past is Parent [4.01]

Sherlock Holmes: Justice is like an orgasm. It can never come too late.

Sherlock Holmes: I am, of course, tumescent with questions about your meeting with my father. So was he everything you imagined? Was he driven here or did he arrive in a plume of black smoke?

Mr. Cook: Mr. Holmes is an extremely busy man.

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm busy, too. So is Sherlock. Tell him.

Mr. Cook: Can a heroin addict be busy? I'm just curious. I imagine procuring the drug might take some effort. After that, it's a simple matter of aim and shoot, is it not?

Dr. Joan Watson: What's the hardest you've ever been hit?

Mr. Cook: Excuse me?

Dr. Joan Watson: It's a simple question. [pauses while staring him down] Talk to Mr. Holmes. Tell him what I said. I'd hate to have to come back.

Dr. Joan Watson: Stop it.

Sherlock Holmes: Stop what?

Dr. Joan Watson: Imagining me on a line like that, coming to see you.

Sherlock Holmes: Truthfully, I'd rather you not visit me in prison.

Dr. Joan Watson: Why?

Sherlock Holmes: I'd hate for you to see me in a place like this.

Dr. Joan Watson: You're not going to prison.

Sherlock Holmes: If you like, we could write letters.

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm not writing you letters.

Sherlock Holmes: I'll have other correspondents: C, Moriarty--

Dr. Joan Watson: That's still going on?!

Dr. Joan Watson: When it comes to what we do, the only thing that matters to me is our partnership.

Morland Holmes: I let myself in. I hope you don't mind.

Sherlock Holmes: It's your property, Father, you can do as you please.

Morland Holmes: You don't look well.

Sherlock Holmes: You look as spry as ever. My compliments to the virgins whose blood you bathe in.

Morland Holmes: I see the opiates haven't dulled your wit.

Sherlock Holmes: Nor has old age withered yours.

Evidence of Things Not Seen [4.02]

Dr. Joan Watson: I convinced him that he could use our expertise in neuroeconomics.

Sherlock Holmes: Are you an expert in neuroeconomics?

Dr. Joan Watson: I mean, compared to an FBI agent, apparently.

Dr. Joan Watson: What about a motive?

Sherlock Holmes: Spies don't have motives, they have orders.

Sherlock Holmes: [to a suspect who has been cleared] Good luck overthrowing the government. Don't put us against the wall when you get those firing squads, will you?

Morland Holmes: There are things that money can't buy, but fewer, perhaps, than you'd like to believe.

Tag, You're Me [4.03]

Morland Holmes: Was I expecting you?

Sherlock Holmes: Not to my knowledge. But I can't rule out you having foreseen it via the black arts.

Dorian Moll: Computers can't identify your face if they can't tell it's a face.

Det. Marcus Bell: Am I crazy, or did I just hear him speak in perfect Spanish?

Dr. Joan Watson: Yeah. Fluent in three dozen languages, but the man has never seen Say Anything.

Det. Marcus Bell: That's a '80s movie, right?

Dr. Joan Watson: You want me to punch you, right?

Morland Holmes: I came because I would like to make a confession.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I would dial the authorities for you, but I wouldn't know which ones.

Morland Holmes: You know yourself, Sherlock. You know who you are, you know who you were. Ask yourself: When you were a boy, could anyone have parented you?

Sherlock Holmes: I can think of one person.

All My Exes Live in Essex [4.04]

Sherlock Holmes: There's also a song that appeals to me as a detective. It's a mystery about dogs and who might have let them out.

Sherlock Holmes: At the very least this has proven the wisdom of continuously training in the combat arts. You do of course need to work on your defense. You allowed Cortez to land far too many punches.

Dr. Joan Watson: I did. But all that matters is that I landed the last one.

The Games Underfoot [4.05]

[Sherlock walks up to Marcus pushing two bicycles.]

Det. Marcus Bell: What are you doing?

Sherlock Holmes: These were chained to a lamppost down the street.

Det. Marcus Bell: And you figured you'd steal them?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm re-stealing them. I peruse the crime blotter when I'm bored. And these were stolen in Chelsea last month.

Det. Marcus Bell: And you're just gonna walk around with them for the rest of the day.

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, don't be ridiculous. This one's for you.

The Cost of Doing Business [4.06]

Miss Taken [4.07]

Henry Watson: So how did you know that that was me?

Dr. Joan Watson: Grover Ogden? We lived on Ogden Avenue, Grover was our dog. And by the way that is how you make a porn name, not a pen name!

Dr. Joan Watson: You read it.

Sherlock Holmes: I did.

Dr. Joan Watson: You're not mad?

Sherlock Holmes: Should I be?

Dr. Joan Watson: Of course you should, you're you!

Dr. Joan Watson: Then why did you just give her two bugs? You know she's not going to say anything incriminating when she's around them.

Sherlock Holmes: Actually, Watson, only one of them was a bug. The other was a flash bang.

Dr. Joan Watson: You gave her a bomb?!

Sherlock Holmes: It was a very small bomb, with a very big bang.

Sherlock Holmes: Mind if I call you Cassie? I'd call you by your real name, but you're refusing to give it.

Cassie: Cassie is fine.

Sherlock Holmes: Sorry I missed your arrest and booking, but I've been coordinating the effort to identify you. To my great surprise, your fingerprints aren't in AFIS.

Cassie: Of course they aren't. I've never committed any crimes.

Sherlock Holmes: You've never been caught.

Cassie: Is there a difference?

Sherlock Holmes: So how old are you, really?

Cassie: Fifteen. No wait, twenty-five. Or maybe it's some other number.

...

Cassie: I hope you come to my trial. It should be fun.

Sherlock Holmes: You think you can lie your way out?

Cassie: I do. Now tell me, am I lying?

A Burden of Blood [4.08]

[Sherlock returns home and is surprised to find the second door locked just before Marcus comes downstairs.]

Det. Marcus Bell: Hey, I didn't think I'd catch you here. Joan said you were at a meeting. Just...returning a book she loaned me.

Sherlock Holmes: She needed your help carrying it upstairs, did she?

Det. Marcus Bell: Well, she was moving some furniture around, needed a hand....

Sherlock Holmes: Should I sit on the bride's side or the groom's?

Dr. Joan Watson: Excuse me?

Sherlock Holmes: Your upcoming nuptials with Detective Bell. I assume the workout which sent you to the shower foretells that happy day.

Dr. Joan Watson: What are you talking about?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm well aware you have an enlightened attitude when it comes to the hedonic arts, but Marcus is a cautious, conservative man when it comes to affairs of the heart. If he's embarked upon a physical relationship with a co-worker, it must be that serious.

Dr. Joan Watson: Marcus was here, I took a shower, so obviously we are secret lovers.

Sherlock Holmes: I was mistaken. You don't know what my partner looks like naked.

Det. Marcus Bell: Speak up, would you? I don't think the guys in the cell heard you.

Sherlock Holmes: Why didn't you just tell me you were taking the sergeant's exam on Friday?

Det. Marcus Bell: Joan told you she was helping me study?

Sherlock Holmes: What do you think?

Det. Marcus Bell: I think you saw the books on my desk just now.

...

Sherlock Holmes: If you wanted help studying, why not just come to me? I'm a gifted instructor; Watson is living proof.

Sherlock Holmes: I could always use friends in medium places.

Det. Marcus Bell: Well, as long as it helps you.

Sherlock Holmes: I can't accept an alibi from anyone with that particular hairstyle.

Murder Ex Machina [4.09]

Det. Marcus Bell: [about Mason] Is anything this kid's doing legal?

Sherlock Holmes: Define legal.

Sherlock Holmes: His business is vile, but legally he's not a murderer.

Fiona Helbron:You have good manners. You must work hard at them.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I can be quite rude at times. When I fail to make the effort.

Fiona Helbron: I forget sometimes, too.

Alma Matters [4.10]

Down Where the Dead Delight [4.11]

Dr. Joan Watson: [to Sherlock] She's not an enemy, I don't have enemies. I'm not like you.

A View with a Room [4.12]

Sherlock Holmes: How can I be of service?

Capt. Will Lombarde: We want to pull off a heist.

Sherlock Holmes: A heist?....You want to steal something from a heavily armed meth-dealing band of bike-riding satanists.

Capt. Will Lombarde: Interested?

Sherlock Holmes: Practically engorged. When do we start?

Dr. Joan Watson: You know you could have told me that you like her.

Sherlock Holmes: Beg your pardon?

Dr. Joan Watson: You like her.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I like Fiona. She's compulsively honest and congenitally unpretentious.

Dr. Joan Watson: And pretty.

Sherlock Holmes: What are you getting at?

Dr. Joan Watson: You like her as in LIKE like.

Sherlock Holmes: You're suggesting a romantic interest. More specifically you're suggesting a romantic interest in the vernacular of a prepubescent child.

Dr. Joan Watson: This is the book you loaned her. She wanted me to give it back to you.

Sherlock Holmes: So...?

Dr. Joan Watson: So... Hundreds of books in the house. How many volumes of poetry? Zero. You bought it for her.

Sherlock Holmes: Bought it to lend it.

....

Dr. Joan Watson: You like someone, that's amazing!

Sherlock Holmes: I like many women, often two at a time, you know that.

Dr. Joan Watson: No, this is not about sex. You really like her.

Sherlock Holmes: Stop using that word!

Fiona Helbron: I've had boyfriends before.

Sherlock Holmes: I myself have not. But perhaps I just haven't met the right guy.

A Study in Charlotte [4.13]

Dr. Joan Watson: So we have some time to talk.

Sherlock Holmes: About what?

Dr. Joan Watson: About the AwayKay next door and how the whole thing is your fault.

...

Dr. Joan Watson: He was afraid of you!

Sherlock Holmes: Did I threaten him?

Dr. Joan Watson: You don't even remember if you threatened him.

Sherlock Holmes: I was on drugs!

...

Dr. Joan Watson: You are the one who makes all the noise!

Sherlock Holmes: And you're the one who never stops me.

Dr. Joan Watson: Well, I am sorry that I accused you of arson.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I was the obvious suspect.

Who Is that Masked Man? [4.14]

Sherlock Holmes: I assure you, there's no such thing as a master of disguise. If there was, I'd be one myself.

Up to Heaven and Down to Hell [4.15]

Hounded [4.16]

Sherlock Holmes: We'll examine the scene of [your brother's] death. But not because of your connection to my father. If anything, we're gonna have to look past that.

Henry Baskerville: I'll pay you whatever you need.

Sherlock Holmes: My thoughts exactly.

You've Got Me, Who's Got You? [4.17]

Ready or Not [4.18]

Holmes: "The Keep." The very pinnacle in luxury doomsday bunkers. Built inside a decommissioned Cold War stronghold at a secret location just outside the city. Owned and operated by this man, Ronnie Wright - ex-Marine, survival expert, huckster. His sales pitch touts not only the site's security, but also the exclusivity of its members.

Watson: It is pretty swanky.

Holmes: If you're keen on spending eternity buried alive with a group so narcissistic they think that outliving humanity is a good idea. I'd rather melt with the masses and get it over with, wouldn't you?

Watson: It's not how I pictured prepping. I mean, when you say survivalists, I see bearded guys wearing gas masks digging holes in their backyards to build shelters.

Holmes: That's the garden-variety prepper. The Keep caters to a uniquely vile subset: the wealthy prepper. Along with the myriad doomsday scenarios that haunt ordinary preppers - global pandemic, nuclear holocaust, socialist zombies coming to eat their guns - the wealthy ones also worry that the poor are going to rise up with torches and pitchforks. Which, one could argue, wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

All In [4.19]

Art Imitates Art [4.20]

Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing [4.21]

Turn It Upside Down [4.22]

Sherlock Holmes: If someone is, say, a cannibal serial killer, that's not enough to call them crazy. As long as you know that eating and killing your victims is wrong, you're considered sane in the eyes of the law.

Eric Minton: That's what the law says.

Dr. Joan Watson: In the work that Dr. Naylor did for you, did the name Morland Holmes ever come up?

Eric Minton: Holmes? Related to you?

Sherlock Holmes: That's what the law says.

Sherlock Holmes: She hoped that her data would be used by the courts to create standardized sentencing guidelines.

Dr. Joan Watson: Do you think this has something to do with why she was murdered?

Sherlock Holmes: The study did earn Dr. Naylor her share of detractors. Wealth and race presently play a far greater role in sentencing than anyone would care to admit. Now any attempt to change that represents a seismic upsetting of the applecart, and it's easy to imagine any number of Father's cronies liking the applecart just the way it is.

Sherlock Holmes: I don't know why I didn't see it sooner.

Dr. Joan Watson: See what?

Sherlock Holmes: The hiring of psychopaths, the machinations, the manipulation of world events....We've dealt with this organization before, Watson. It was run by Moriarity.

The Invisible Hand [4.23]

Dr. Joan Watson: Are you talking to me?

Sherlock Holmes: You left?

Dr. Joan Watson: Well, you hadn't said anything to me in almost an hour.

A Difference in Kind [4.24]

Dr. Joan Watson: What just happened?

Sherlock Holmes: I just disarmed the bomb.

Dr. Joan Watson: But you didn't pick a wire, you ju--

Sherlock Holmes: Despite the plots of the many movies you tell me are good which are in fact not good, bomb-makers don't build tests of electrical-engineering skill, they build devices that go bang.

Sherlock Holmes: We find the dissenter, propose an alliance.

Dr. Joan Watson: With the person who just tried to blow us up?

Sherlock Holmes: The enemy of my enemy, Watson.

Morland Holmes: Being loved by you is a dangerous thing, Sherlock. Probably why I'm still alive....Ask yourself: Who do you love more than any other in the world, and what do you think will happen if you stay with her?

Sherlock Holmes: Do you think your sister will help us sell the place?

Dr. Joan Watson: We can ask her over dinner. We should ask Marcus to join, too....He's single, and so is Lin.

Sherlock Holmes: And to think that my father thought that I was the greatest threat to our circle of friends.

Season 5

Folie a Deux [5.1]

Sherlock Holmes: So you're a former drug dealer, correct?

Shinwell Johnson: [shrugs]

Sherlock Holmes: [points to himself] Former drug user.

[silence]

Sherlock Holmes: So, you met Watson after you were shot by rivals in 2006. She pulled five bullets out of you?

Shinwell Johnson: That's right.

Sherlock Holmes: I've been shot five times. But, uh, separate occasions.

Shinwell Johnson: That's...great.

[silence]

Sherlock Holmes: So what kind of a name is Shinwell?

Shinwell Johnson: What kinda name is Sherlock?

Worth Several Cities [5.2]

Render, and then Seize Her [5.3]

Sherlock Holmes: Get dressed. Or get undressed. Your choice.

Dr. Joan Watson: Excuse me?

Sherlock Holmes: Marcus has requested our presence at a clothing optional retreat.

Dr. Joan Watson: It's for a case, right?

Capt. Thomas Gregson: Where'd you get those? Are they hot?

Sherlock Holmes: If you're concerned about provenance, just umm, just focus on those ones.

Henny Penny the Sky Is Falling [5.4]

Det. Marcus Bell: A poop emoji?

Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I thought it was ice cream.

To Catch a Predator Predator [5.5]

Ill Tidings [5.6]

Sherlock Holmes: You know, if you'd have told me you had a crush on Ms. Milner before we came here, I could have told you to wear a different color shirt. There's ample literature on which colors women are most attracted to, and purple isn't one of them.

Det. Marcus Bell: That was a business meeting, not a speed date.

Sherlock Holmes: It was both. You dragged me here to save face with that A.D.A. I would've been happy to be your wingman-slash-scapegoat.

Sherlock Holmes: I've been thinking about something that Marcus said when he confessed his feelings for the A.D.A. in the Leon Walker case.

Dr. Joan Watson: Marcus is in love?! Tell me more!

Sherlock Holmes: She's immaterial to my quandary.

Bang Bang Shoot Chute [5.7]

How the Sausage Is Made [5.8]

It Serves You Right to Suffer [5.9]

Pick Your Poison [5.10]

Be My Guest [5.11]

Sherlock Holmes: A set of keys. Decker must have lost them as he struggled to move the body.

Capt. Thomas Gregson: What makes you think they're Decker's?

Sherlock Holmes: Let's just say I'm familiar with the lock at his house and leave it at that, shall we?

Shinwell Johnson: This antique straight shackle's killing me, Doc. I wanted to get them all done before you got back.

Dr. Joan Watson: That one is rusted shut. This is incredible! You picked, what, 20 locks?

Shinwell Johnson: Twenty-three counting breaking in here.

Crowned Clown, Downtown Brown [5.12]

Suspect: OK, fine it was me. But it's not illegal to wear a scary costume in public, OK? I checked.

Capt. Thomas Gregson: You know what is illegal? Murder.

Sherlock Holmes: We checked.

Over a Barrel [5.13]

Det. Marcus Bell: Let me guess, you're already two steps ahead of me.

Sherlock Holmes: At least two.

Rekt in Real Life [5.14]

Wrong Side of the Road [5.15]

Kitty Winter: You changed your hair. Lose a bet?

Kitty Winter: I'm still not a hugger, Watson.

Eli Kotite: This is a private club, so--

Sherlock Holmes: Of which my father is a very influential member, has been most of his life. He also heads up an extremely powerful evil cabal. I can do no wrong within these walls.

Sherlock Holmes: So, summing up, we're wrong about everything.

Fidelity [5.16]

Dr. Joan Watson: Who the hell snatches someone from their home and then just dumps them in broad daylight like this?

Sherlock Holmes: Agents of the American government.

...

Dr. Joan Watson: So now what?

Sherlock Holmes: An American spy has a murderous obsession with a three-year-old vehicular homicide which took place in London. So after I use the toilet, I'm going to ignore his instructions; I'm going to find out why.

Kitty Winter: I'm surprised we got a meeting with the managing partner so easily.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I didn't identify myself as Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, but rather Sherlock Holmes, son of Morland. He and a firm like this could do great evil things together.

Dr. Joan Watson: I know it sounds crazy, but something about Chinese astronauts, Venezuelan toilet bombs, or gold under the pyramids has gotten everyone killed. We just have to figure out what it was.

Sherlock Holmes: It's no mystery. It was a Venezuelan toilet bomb.

...

Sherlock Holmes: I will defer to the schizophrenic who's been absolutely right about everything else. Almost makes me want to dig for gold in the Giza.

Sherlock Holmes: The only thing I want--the only thing I have ever wanted--was for you to be happy. Against all the odds, it happened. You didn't tell me....You made a person, Kitty, and you didn't tell me.

The Ballad of Lady Frances [5.17]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: So [he] was shot over a guitar?

Sherlock Holmes: Not just any guitar. According to [his] research, the guitar once belonged to someone named Eric Clapton. Have you heard of him?

Dead Man's Tale [5.18]

Det. Marcus Bell: [in a warehouse with large wooden crates] Am I the only one keeping an eye out for the lost Ark of the Covenant?

Sherlock Holmes: It's in a warehouse in Yemen.

Det. Marcus Bell: I was joking!

Sherlock Holmes: ...So was I.

High Heat [5.19]

The Art of Sleights and Deception [5.20]

Fly Into a Rage, Make a Bad Landing [5.21]

Sherlock Holmes: He's not going to run.

Marcus Bell: How the hell could you possibly know that, huh? I'm the one who talked to the guy, not you.

Sherlock Holmes: We know that on at least two occasions, he savagely beat his wife, and he made no attempt to flee. Why? Because he thinks that his lawyers and his money make him bulletproof. I've seen it hundreds of times.

Marcus Bell: Yeah, but we're not just trying to hang Chantal's assault on him, we're trying to hang a homicide.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, to a man like that, the difference is negligible.

Marcus Bell: Look, I just came by to say thanks for being my eyes and ears the last few days. And to let you know that I'm going to talk to someone, about all the stuff that came up that I obviously haven't been dealing with.

Sherlock Holmes: I don't presume to know the details of what your father did to you and your family. But, um... I've seen enough parental abuse to know that one thing is always the same: when someone whose job it is to nurture you, hurts you instead, it-it can't help but have a profound and lasting effect on your sense of who you are. I stopped you from beating Ukhov because I didn't want you to throw away your career, but more importantly, I didn't want you to throw away yourself. I mean, I might be this extraordinary detective, but you are an extraordinary man. And that's a far, far more precious thing... isn't it?

Hurt Me, Hurt You [5.24]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: You don't wanna say out loud that you run SBK, we get it. But ten people are dead and two of them are kids. So if we double-pinky promise not to arrest you for saying something we all know is true, are you finally gonna start talking to us like a man?!

Season 6

An Infinite Capacity for Taking Pains [6.1]

Sherlock Holmes: Just waiting for some test results.

Dr. Hawes: For me?

Sherlock Holmes: Uh, no, someone else.

Dr. Hawes: And the reason you're waiting on my table instead of one in your house?

Sherlock Holmes: My mother's ghost recently set a room on fire so I've been doing most of my thinking elsewhere.

Dr. Hawes: Fine. Don't tell me.

Dr. Hawes: Holmes? Something I can help with?

Sherlock Holmes: Not yet. But if an autopsy is in the offing, I should know soon enough.

Sherlock Holmes: Whether that recovery takes weeks, or months, or if I even get better at all, he couldn't say.

Dr. Joan Watson: Stand up.

Sherlock Holmes: Excuse me?

Dr. Joan Watson: Stand up.

Watson gives Holmes a hug, but his arms remain hanging at his sides.

Sherlock Holmes: My personality hasn't changed, Watson.

Once You've Ruled Out God [6.2]

Dr. Joan Watson: I don't know how this guy ended up in charge of anything. He's a high school dropout and his whole life is a rap sheet.

Sherlock Holmes: Well, you only have to be the brightest bulb of a dim lot. Racist ideology mostly attracts failures and reprobates. Gives them a sense of elevation that they cannot otherwise justify.

Dr. Joan Watson: I threw that away for a reason.

Sherlock Holmes: You did. But if you were resolved not to read it, why not put it in your shredder instead of the trash? Alternatively, there are several fireplaces in this house. You could have easily have turned it to ash.

Dr. Joan Watson: Maybe I'm just lazy.

Sherlock Holmes: You most assuredly are not. In this case, I suspect you are leaving yourself room to reconsider. It was a good instinct; I advise you to follow it.

Dr. Joan Watson: You're trying the puzzles!

Sherlock Holmes: Well, I recognize that, like any potent adversary, PCS is best attacked from different angles. Yesterday I helped foil an international ring of jewel thieves and today I'm assembling Unicorn Utopia, ages 8 and up.

Dr. Joan Watson: And?

Sherlock Holmes: I prefer the jewel thieves.

....

Dr. Joan Watson: When you're done with that one, I have three more downstairs. If you like Unicorn Utopia, you are gonna love Pretty Princess Party.

Pushing Buttons [6.3]

Sherlock Holmes: Gentlemen, we can only really understand six of you at a time.

Sherlock Holmes: So a man of average build, or possibly tall, who was infantry or cavalry, fled on foot or in a white van.

Sherlock Holmes: This crime was planned well in advance. Our killer was patient and exacting. These are not traits that spring to mind when you read e-mails like, "I'm serious bro. I'll beat yo ass til you see stars in the daytime."

Dr. Joan Watson: They're all like this?

Sherlock Holmes: No, this one stands out for its proper spelling and punctuation.

Victim's daughter: I always told Dad capitalism was going to kill him.

Det. Marcus Bell: I don't mean to be difficult, but we can't bring charges against capitalism.

Sherlock Holmes: The fact that I'm upright is a credit to our French press.

Our Time Is Up [6.4]

Bits and Pieces [6.5]

Sherlock Holmes: Have you and I spoken since lunch? I have no memory of the last six hours.

Dr. Joan Watson: I'm calling Dr. Hanson.

Sherlock Holmes: My head is the less urgent of our concerns at the moment. A short while ago I arrived home carrying this bag and I couldn't recall what was inside so... Well, I looked.

[Joan opens the bag, looks inside and gasps.

Dr. Joan Watson: There is a head in there.

Sherlock Holmes: Yes, there is. And I have no idea where I got it.

Sober Companions [6.7]

Sherlock Holmes: [after visiting Michael] Yeah, he did it. Not a doubt in my mind.

Dr. Joan Watson: Where did that come from?

Sherlock Holmes: Our hacker friends at Everyone. They may be a loose coalition of basement-dwelling anarchists, but they're no fans of serial killers. Would you like to know what it cost?

Dr. Joan Watson: Do I have to shave your head again?

Sherlock Holmes: Nothing. They forewent my ritual humiliation and provided this gratis. It was almost enough to restore my faith in humanity.

Through the Fog [6.14]

Sherlock Holmes: Don't play dumb with me, you're not smart enough.

Season 7

From Russia with Drugs [7.7]

Sherlock Holmes: Have you forgotten my new color-coding system already? Red lines indicate ownership, blue is a familial relationship, green denotes a financial connection--

Dr. Joan Watson: Pink is for kissing cousins, purple means two suspects sang karaoke duets.

Sherlock Holmes: You mock me.

Capt. Thomas Gregson: If he did or said something, please tell me. So we can bring it to EEO. Whatever it was, I don't want it happening to anyone else.

Det. Bree Novacek: [silence]

Capt. Thomas Gregson: What?

Det. Bree Novacek: This...thing...you think happened to me, we go to EEO, do you honestly think it's not gonna happen to anyone else?

Capt. Thomas Gregson: Dwyer'll be gone.

Det. Bree Novacek: I'm not talking about him. I am talking about ALL the others. Dwyer goes down, do you really think that's gonna change anything? That this department's gonna suddenly start being a boys' club?

Det. Bree Novacek: [after describing the interim captain's actions] Do you think that's worth ruining his career?

Capt. Thomas Gregson: You're asking a question that Dwyer should have asked himself.

Miss Understood [7.8]

Cassie: You have trust issues.

Sherlock Holmes: You have truth issues.

Sherlock Holmes: We were thinking we were conduits through which Cassie hoped to reach an ultimate goal. But we're not conduits. We're the goal. Cassie's target is us.

Cast

Jonny Lee Miller - Sherlock Holmes
Lucy Liu - Joan Watson
Aidan Quinn - Captain Thomas Gregson
Jon Michael Hill - Detective Marcus Bell
Ophelia Lovibond - Kitty Winter
John Noble - Morland Holmes
Nelsan Ellis - Shinwell Johnson

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Elementary (TV series)

Elementary quotes at the Internet Movie Database