Eoin Colfer

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Eoin Colfer

Eoin Colfer (born 14 May 1965) is an Irish author and comedian, most famous as the creator of the Artemis Fowl series.


Artemis Fowl (2001)[edit]

Artemis: I prefer scared to dead. If possible.

Foaly: Anyone see you come in here?
Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB.
Foaly: The EIB?
Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.

Foaly: Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

(Juliet raises her hand after a briefing by Artemis)
Artemis: Yes?
Juliet: Well, the thing is, Artemis...the bit about leprechauns...
Artemis: Your point, Juliet?
Juliet: You know they're not real, don't you?
Artemis: Butler hasn't already talked to you about this?
Juliet: No. Was he supposed to?
Artemis: Yes, he certainly was. Perhaps he thought you'd laugh at him.
(Butler squirms)
Artemis: Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist and that I am not a gibbering moron.

Artemis: If I win I'm a prodigy. If I lose then I'm mad. That is the way history is written.

Artemis: That Japanese whaler. The one seized by the port authorities. Is she still tied up at the docks?
Butler: Yes, I believe so.
Artemis: Good. Take us there. I believe it's time to let our diminutive friends know exactly who they're dealing with.

Foaly: Commander. What's your status?
Root: My status, Foaly, is extremely annoyed. Get on your computers. I want to know everything there is to know about one Artemis Fowl, and I want to know it before I get back to base.
Foaly: Yessir, Commander. Right away.

Root: When I looked that human in the face, I figured he was either a genius or crazy.
Foaly: So which is it? A genius or crazy?
Root: What's the difference?

Holly (After punching Artemis) Be a good Mudboy and I might bring you back a lollipop.
Artemis: (After Holly leaves) I don't like lollipops.

Holly: Stay back human. You don't know what you're dealing with.

Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident (2002)[edit]

Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression.
Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case?
Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor.
Doctor Po: Yes?
Artemis: My mother, she...
Doctor Po: Your mother, yes?
Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.

Butler: Right, enough talk. I think it's time Mister Vassikin was introduced to my friend, Mister Fist.

Butler: (drawing his pistol) Do we wait until we see the whites of their eyes, Commander?
Root: Goblin eyes don't have whites.

Foaly: You see, Mud Boy, goblins are stupid. I'm not insulting them. It's a proven fact. Brains no bigger than rats. One of the Goblin's generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught trying to pass off a forged credit card by signing his own name.

(Holly and Commander Root are arguing)
Artemis: Now, you two, we need to work together as a team.

Commander Root: (referring to Mulch Diggums) We're being led by an idiot with a crayon.

Artemis: Which one are you? Good cop or bad cop?
Commander Root: Good cop-bad cop! Hate to tell you this, Dorothy, but you ain't in Kansas anymore.

Doctor Po: Have you ever found anyone as your equal?

Artemis: Yes I believe I have.

Artemis: Sometimes plans don't translate smoothly from paper to real life.

Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code (2003)[edit]

Artemis: (To spiro) Let's just say I'm a very smart boy, Mister Spiro."

Spiro: (knocking over a salt cellar) Check and mate. My game, kid.

Juliet: (leaning over Pex) Hey, guess what? You're not supposed to deep-fry sushi!

Root: Goblins. Evolution's little joke. Take the dumbest creatures under the earth and give them the power to conjure fire.

Artemis: I never tell anybody exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.

Artemis: (to Spiro) About my name- Artemis- you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the Hunter. I hunted you.

Artemis : Mister Spiro, Jon. I am not a complete idiot.

Mulch : Go. I say again, we have a go situation on the black op code red thing.

Foaly : You should be nice to me, Holly. I'm doing you a big favour. If Julius knew I was helping you, he'd be extremely angry.
Holly : Which is exactly why you are doing it.

Foaly : Typical. Power-crazed megalomaniacs never like anyone to see their own dirty secrets.
Holly : I think someone's in denial.

Foaly: I am not a box!

Root : I couldn't care less about your touchy feely moment. I'm here to make sure this wipe goes smoothly. If I know our friend Fowl, he's got a few tricks up his sleeve.
Artemis : Really, Commander. Such suspicion is wounding.

Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception (2005)[edit]

Root: (last words) Be well.

Opal: Please don't look directly at the viewscreen - it's very bad for my skin.

Artemis: (treats Ark Sool to his most scornful gaze) Congratulations, Commander, you have managed to alienate the LEP's finest officer.
Ark Sool: Listen here, human...
Butler: (growls)
Ark Sool: (Steps behind the larger officer he brought) Send them home. Now.
Officers: (draw their sidearms, aim and fire tranquilizers. One hits Artemis' neck and he passes out. They hit Butler with four, not taking any chances)

Jerbal Argon: Sorry, I panicked. If we lost Koboi, the clinic would never live it down. I'm just a little paranoid, I suppose. Faces can be changed, but...
Merv and Scant: (together) ...DNA never lies
Grub Kelp: I think Doctor Argon needs a little vacation.

Root: (Nodding approvingly to Holly) Now you're thinking like a Major. We're not expendable. So what are our options, Trouble?
Trouble: If you don't go in, many will die. If you do, you might.
Root: Not a nice set of options. Don't you have anything good to tell me?

Holly: Seven and a half hours to save the world. Isn’t there some law that says we get twenty-four?
Artemis I don't think Opal pays much attention to laws.

Opal: I am your daughter, Belinda.

Opal: (After attempting to murder Artemis, Holly and Butler) My truffles? You took them? That's just mean!

Artemis: The pride comes before a fall.

Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony (2006)[edit]

N°1: I am Number One - not a very good name, I know, but I console myself with the fact that it's better than Number Two.

Beau: I hope it's sugar free chocolate. Because daddy says God knows I'm hyper enough without sugar, but he still loves me.
Mulch: (checks the packet and sees that it is 18% sugar) Yep. Sugar free.

Foaly: Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion.

Holly: What color is the uniform?
Foaly: Matte black.
Holly: I'm in.

Chief of security : They have a tank! How did they get a tank up here?

Foaly: (suspiciously to Artemis) Just what else can that mobile phone do?
Artemis: It can play solitare and minesweeper.

Billy Kong: Who is this?
Artemis: (Over phone) My name is not important. The important thing is that I have something you want.
Kong: How did you get this number?
Artemis: I have a friend. He knows all the numbers.

And so Butler made a decision, the consequences of which would haunt his dreams and waking hours for years to come. As a professional bodyguard, he knew the futility of second-guessing his own actions, but in the nights ahead he would often sit by the fire, with his head in his hands, and replay the moment in his mind, wishing that he had acted differently. Whatever way he played it out, the results were tragic, but at least they would not have been tragic for Artemis.

(Artemis, Holly, Qwan and No 1 have jumped out of the window and disappeared. Butler is being questioned by Taiwanese police.)
Policeman: The curator said there was another person. A boy. A friend of yours?
Butler: Yes. And no. He's my son. Arty.
Policeman: I don't see him around.
Butler: He just stepped out, but he'll be back.
Policeman: Are you sure?
Butler: (His eyes lose their focus) Yes, I'm sure. He told me.

Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox (2008)[edit]

Holly: I was turning into an adolescent, now that was gross.

Beckett: Artemis need toilet?
Artemis: No Beckett, I am trying to look jolly.

Artemis: Opal, meet Professor Primate. My brother´s playtoy.

Artemis: Holly, how did you find me?
Holly: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?

Artemis: (to toddler twins) Imagine yourself seated at a café table in Montmartre.
Myles: In Paris.
Artemis: Yes, Paris. and, try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter´s attention. What do you do?
Beckett: Um... tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?
Myles: (impressed) I agree with simple-toon.

Artemis: (to his father) Yes, I have some underworld contacts.

N°1: We´re going upstairs? Didn´t that young lady tell you not to allow me upstairs?
Artemis: How long have you known me, Number One?
N°1: Ah, I see. Artemis Fowl never does what he is told to do.

Holly: (in mock horror) Are you suggesting that I occasionally stray away from the rulebook?
Foaly: No, I'm suggesting that you do not own a copy of the rule book and if you do, you have certainly never opened it.

Half Moon Investigations (2006)[edit]

  • Red held me at arm’s length, grinning. “Welcome to the family, Half Moon,” he said.
  • “Nice shirt, Fletcher,” said Sergeant Murt Hourihan. “”You looking for a job in a surf store?”

Being a law enforcement agent, the sergeant felt he had to begin every conversation with a smart comment.

  • “Who can fathom the workings of the criminal mind?” I said, trying to sound intelligent.

“Well, you, I hope,” said April. “That is what I’m paying you for.”

  • In the Bernstein Manual there is a short chapter on undercover work. The first line says, in capital letters, AVOID UNDERCOVER WORK.

And Another Thing... (2009)[edit]

Chapter 8[edit]

  • "Don't worry. I've been in showbusiness for a long time now - I know how to handle bastards"
  • There seemed an unwritten agreement that the Thunder God should be left in peace, which was probably due to the very clearly written message painted on a whitewashed wall in what looked like lumpy congealed blood, which read: Leave me in peace and I probably won't kill you. No promise, mind. Probably is absolutely the best I can do.

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