- I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
- We're from the Manchester United fan club from [gulp] Ohio
- I'm never drinking again.
- This isn't where I parked my car.
- Haha look at Jamie's penis!
- So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
- Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. [Jamie looks up, interested] You made out with your sister, man!
- Hot European Sex!
- Later Bert, stay black bro
- (to Jenny) You're just a really cool dude with long hair.
- Oi Lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking!
- Fuck Off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic breath tossers! Piss Off! Come in and say that, mate! C'mon! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep!?! We'll beep you bastards all over your fucking nose! Fuck Off! Go on, you french bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!
- If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!
- Weird Italian Guy: Mi Scusi!
- Donny: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday.
- PC Mail Notification: beep-beep. Mail Motherfucker!
- Cecil: [with heavy Mancunian accent] So I told the swamp donkey to sack it before I give her a tonk in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yarbles!!!
- Cooper: Wow... you guys are like on a completely different level of swearing here.
- Scott: So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?
- Jenny: Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
- Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
- Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.
- Scott: Kinda gay.
- Cooper: A little gay.
- Jenny: So you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
- French rich guy: No, please. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.
- Cooper: Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
- Scott: Stop.
- Scott: Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
- Cooper: "We don't need no water let the motha... "
- Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!
- Cooper: Oh, holy shit!
- Cooper: (putting on the pope hat) Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
- Scott: Cooper... take off the pope hat.
- Cooper: Oh, no. It's OK. I'm catholic.
- Scott: Take it off, Goddammit!
- Cooper: Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
- Scott: I'm in love with Mieke.
- Cooper: Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know.
- Scott: No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.
- Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. [pause] Right? Right? That's hot.
(Scott and cooper after entering the 'FEISTY GOAT' Bar in London)
- Scott: Hi, What do you wanna........ [pause] Soccer Hooligans
- Cooper: Hey... This isn't where i parked my car.
- English Guy: Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world...... Manchester United. Now please enlighten me... Who the fuck are you?
- Cooper: That is a good question and... Scotty?
- Scott: We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio
- English Guy: If you are the Manchester United Supporters then sing the Manchester United song.
- Scott: Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer
- English Guy: OI... SING
- Scott: My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching [pause] The Manchester United Football team! the best freakin' team in all the land woohoo!"
- English Guy: Pretty good… pretty damn good lads, right!