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Eurotrip is a 2004 film about a group of four young Americans and their (mis)adventures traveling around Europe in search of Scott's pen pal soul mate; Mieke in Berlin, Germany.

Directed by Jeff Schaffer. Co-written by Alec Berg and David Mandel.
No Europeans were harmed in the making of this film. taglines


  • I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!
  • We're from the Manchester United fan club from [gulp] Ohio

Repeated line:

  • I'm never drinking again.


  • This isn't where I parked my car.
  • Haha look at Jamie's penis!
  • So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
  • Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. [Jamie looks up, interested] You made out with your sister, man!
  • Hot European Sex!
  • Later Bert, stay black bro!
  • (to Jenny) You're just a really cool dude with long hair.

Mad Maynard

  • [In bus being deliberately driven on left-side of motorway with all traffic swerving to side] Come on, you're on the wrong side of the road you snail eating poofs, fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers! Go on, you Gallic fucking garlic breath tossers! Piss off! Get in here and say that ya bloody Ita-i Shite-ies! C'mon! Fucking come and have it! You fucking beep!?! We'll beep you bastards all over your fucking nose! Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards! Get on the other side of the road, you pricks! Go on out of it! Fuck off!
  • If you're not a Manc, you're a wank!
  • Hey lads, That Wanker's got a Frog football shirt on, Let's give this Nancy a fucking good kickin', Come on lads, it's goin' off


  • Weird Italian Guy: Mi Scusi!
  • Donny: Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday.
  • PC Mail Notification: beep-beep. Mail Motherfucker!
  • Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.


Voiceover: Congratulations, Hudson High Class of 2004 .
Scott: There she is. Fiona! Hey.
Fiona: Hey!
Scott: Hey, you.
Fiona: Congratulations, graduate. [They hug]
Scott: Thanks, baby.
Fiona: And congratulations to you, Cooper.
Cooper: [Lean in to hug her] Aww. Thanks, baby!
Fiona: [She pushes Cooper back] Nice try.
Cooper: All right. See you at Wade's party tonight?
Scott: See you then. So, it's just you and me for the entire summer. Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.
Fiona: Scott, we need to talk.
Scott: Yeah? About what?
Fiona: About me dumping you.
Scott: Huh?
Scott's father: There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.
Scott's mother: [Shooting camcorder] Okay? Smile, you two! Action!
Scott: Dad, Mom, Grandma... Uncle Moke... uh... I'm gonna need a minute here, okay? [To Fiona] What do you mean, you're dumping me?
Fiona: I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.
Scott: What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.
Fiona: I know. That's what makes this so hard.
Scott's father: You're looking good, you guys.
Fiona: Scotty, it's not you. It's me. There I go, lying again. No, it was you. You're just so... predictable.
Scott's mother: Smile!
Fiona: So, that's it. Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.
Scott: This isn't mine!
Scott's father: She's a keeper, huh?
Scott: Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Fiona!

Cooper: [Watching on computer] Let's see that again.
Video Scott: Fiona!
Cooper: This is just so brutal. And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.
Video Scott: Fiona!
Scott: Bert, get out of here!
Cooper: All right. Stay black, bro. [Fist bumps him']
Bert: Okay. See you. [Walking in hallway] "Fiona!"
Computer: Mail, motherfucker!
Scott: Hey, I got one from Mieke. "Happy Herzlichen."
Cooper: Still writing that guy? I thought that was for German class.
Scott: Yeah at first, but we're actually becoming good friends. He's a really cool guy. "Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal."
Cooper: Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the "internet." This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting" where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van, and make a wind chime out of your genitals. Come on, let's go to Wade's.
Scott: All right. Screw it. Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night. Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.

[At Wade's party]
Jenny: What's up, losers?
Scott: What's up, Jenny?
Jenny: What's up, dude? Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.
Scott: That's very sweet of you. Thanks.
Cooper: Enough Fiona talk. Look around. There's gotta be 100 drunk girls. We should try to have sex with every one of 'em.
Jenny: Hello? Mixed company?
Cooper: What?
Jenny: I'm a girl!
Cooper: No, you're not! You're just a cool guy with long hair! So, where's your evil twin brother?
Jamie: Jenny!
Cooper: There he is. Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.
Jenny: Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.
Cooper: You do? You guys are the worst twins ever!
Scott: When are you guys taking off?
Jenny: Tomorrow morning.
Scott: [To Wade tied up at a tree] Hey, Wade! Great party, buddy!
Jenny: Man, I am so excited! A whole summer, backpacking around Europe. You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty! It's gonna be so awesome!
Jamie: Yeah. I planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun!
Cooper: You brought a guidebook to a party?
Jamie: Do you wanna see my itinerary?
Cooper: Do you wanna see my balls?
Scott: You guys decide where you're gonna go first?
Jenny: Paris! I can't wait.
Scott: So, have you guys decided where you wanna go first?
Jenny: Paris! I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy, and spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Cooper: Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
Jenny: It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Scott: Kinda gay.
Cooper: A little gay. I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.
[Frontman Donny of rock band Lustra taps on microphone to get attention]
Donny: Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta a little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Going to play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know... Fiona. [Fiona bursts out from crowd and jumps on stage] This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary. [Band starts playing] Scotty doesn't know, that Fiona and me, do it in my van every Sunday. She tells him she's in church. But she doesn't go. Still she's on her knees, and Scotty doesn't know... Oh, Scotty doesn't know... So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know... [Scott watches unimpressed]

[Cooper spying on 3 topless girls in a hot tub with two getting up to leave]
Girl 1: I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.
Girl 2: We will be.
Girl 1: I know.
Girl 2: Who needs more Chablis?
Girl 1: Candy, wanna come with?
Candy: No, I'll stay here.
Cooper: Well, there's your R-rating right there. [He jumps into hot-tub] Whoops! Holy cow! Oh, this isn't where I parked my car!
Donny: I can't believe He's so trusting. While I'm right behind you thrusting.
Candy: Cooper Harris, you're a pig!
Cooper: Uh... Candy, you should clean that off before you go.
Candy: Clean what off?
Cooper: You got a little something on you.
Candy: Where?
Cooper: Right there. It's like a smudge, or something.
Candy: Where?
Cooper: It's like dirt, or something. Just go like this.
Candy: Is it off?
Cooper: No, keep rubbing it.
Donny: I did it with her on his birthday.
Cooper: Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm... No, it's just not coming off.
Candy: What is it?
Cooper: Maybe tree sap or something. Try pinching it. No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what. Lick your fingers, get some saliva going.
Candy: Like this?
Cooper: Yeah. Again, not enough saliva.
Candy: Is it off yet?
Cooper: Fine, I'll do it. Come here.
[Two girls come back with 3 football jocks]
Girl 1: Oh, my God! Candy! Cooper!
Cooper: Hey... This isn't where I parked my car. Hey. This band rocks! Yeah!

Scott: [Turns attention to computer] Hey, Mieke. [Reads e-mail aloud] "Dear Scott, I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you. Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America "and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could... "zussamen." What the fuck is "zussamen"? [Looks up dictionary] "Arrange a meeting." No, no, no! Come on! Cooper was right! This guy wants to have sex with me. [Starts typing] Listen, Mieke... I don't want to arrange any meetings with you, you sick, German freak. So please keep your hands off my genitals, and never write to me again, and don't come to America. Goodbye." [Falls off chair] Oww. [He wakes up in bed and sees Bert at his computer] I'm never drinking again.
Bert: Oh, that's nice.
Scott: Bert, what are you doing?
Bert: Reading your email.
Scott: Don't do that. Why are you wearing my bathrobe?
Bert: Oh, I'm sorry... but somebody pissed all over mine last night. Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.
Scott: I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.
Bert: No, it says right here, "trauriges madchen." "I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona." Fuckin' A, Scott. I'm taking "Intro to German," and even I know that.
Scott: Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo. See? That's a picture of Mieke and his cute cousin, Jan.
Bert: No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike," it's "Mieke," a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle. I hope you wrote her back and told her to come visit! [Scott's eyes widen in revelation] You didn't?! You thought she was a guy! I'm getting the video camera! Ha! What an asshole!
Scott: [At computer] No! No! No! "Address blocked"?! "Email not delivered!" No... come on!
Cooper: [Bounding into room] Hey, Mom made waffles! What's going on?
Scott: I'm in love with my penpal! I'm in love with Mieke!
Cooper: Okay, okay, you know what? I was actually expecting this, and frankly, [Starts rubbing Scott's back] no, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause I think they already know.
Scott: No, you idiot. Mieke's a girl.
Cooper: No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, then you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. [pause] Right? Right? That's hot. But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
Scott: Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.
Cooper: Wow. Who's the hot chick?
Scott: That's "Mike." I mean, Mieke.
Cooper: That's who you've been writing to all this time?
Scott: Until last night, when I took your advice and told her to keep her "hands off my genitals."
Cooper: Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.
Scott: This is a total disaster.
Cooper: Oh, come on. It's not that bad. Though she is really hot.
Scott: You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like. Mieke and I had this incredible bond. I told her things I couldn't even tell you.
Cooper: Like what?
Scott: Nothing. It's a figure of speech.
Cooper: No, seriously. What?
Scott: Nothing. The point...
Cooper: You like me better, right?
Scott: This girl is not only smart and funny, and stunningly beautiful, but until I screwed up, she wanted to come all the way to America, just to be with me.
Cooper: So do something about it.
Scott: What can I do? She blocked her email account, her phone number's not listed. The only thing I know is she lives in Berlin.
Cooper: So go to Berlin.
Scott: I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.
Cooper: Why not?
Scott: Because... I just can't, Okay? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer. It looks good on my med school application.
Cooper: Oh, Jesus, Scotty! Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.
Scott: [Face lights up in revelation] I'm going to Germany.
Cooper: No... we're going to Germany.
[Scott and Cooper at the airport]
Scott: How are we going to get to Germany?!
Cooper: Don't worry. I've got it covered.
Scott: We're going to be couriers?
Cooper: Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.
Scott: Yeah?
Cooper: Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi and they had to cut off his leg. You know... but he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.
Airline desk attendant: Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week. But I can get you both to London today for $118. Anything else?
Cooper: Europe is the size of the Eastwood Mall. We can walk to Berlin from there.
Scott: Cooper, England's an island.
Cooper: Okay, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.
[Airborne on a plane]
Scott: Hey. Thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Cooper: Well, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me. I should be thanking you. This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott: What are you talking about?
Cooper: I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Scott: Ah.
Cooper: You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe, because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright, which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
Scott: You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?
Cooper: It's my passion.
[In London at the Thames shore]
Scott: Come on, come on! The adventure begins. Welcome to jolly old England.
Cooper: Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air. Oh. [Takes out cellphone]
Scott: What is that?
Cooper: It's the phone they gave me at the law firm. Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh? Works anywhere. Yeah? Excuse me. Cooper here. Hello, Mr. Walters. Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage. Um, hang on one second. [He picks at teeth and eats it] No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere. Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
Scott: Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
Cooper: They would've stopped paying me. It seemed easier. So, where to?
Scott: I don't know. First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow. What do you wanna do?
Cooper: Got the Tower of London... there's Buckingham Palace.
Scott: Uh... There's no drinking age.
Cooper: There you go! Come on. [They walk off] Hey! "The Fiesty Goat."
[They enter the bar and Scott naively walks up to car counter]
Scott: All right! What do you wanna... [Turns around to study bar patrons who all go silent, turn around and stare with one hooligan stubbing out a cigarette on his arm] Soccer Hooligans!
Cooper: Hey... This isn't where I parked my car. [They turn to walk out and are thwarted by Maynard]
Mad Maynard: Oye, Who the bloody hell are you? This is private members bar exclusively for the supporters of the greatest football team in the world...... Manchester United. Now please enlighten me... Who the fuck are you?
Cooper: That is a good question and... Scotty?
Scott: We're the Manchester United Fan Club... from Ohio
Mad Maynard: If you are the Manchester United Supporters then sing the Manchester United song.
Scott: Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm not much of a singer.
Mad Maynard: [He grabs a bottle and smashes it on the floor] OI... SING!
Scott: "My baby takes the morning train, he works from 9 to 5 and then, he takes another home again, to find me watching... [pause] The Manchester United Football team! the best freakin' team in all the land woohoo!"
Mad Maynard: Pretty good... pretty damn good lads, right! [All bar patrons faces light up in approval]

Mieke's boyfriend: I've unblocked your email address, but this Scott is not responding.
Mieke's: He was the one. I was going to give myself to him.
Mieke's boyfriend: Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else... fraulein. [He sweeps books off desk and picks up Mieke laying her on it kissing passionately]

[Scott wakes up at top of double decker bus in motion]
Scott: I'm never drinking again. Coop, wake up.
Cooper: Oh, man, that was a wild night.
Scott: You think?
Cooper: Scotty, where the hell are we going?
Scott: Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.
[In the backyard]
Scott's mother: Honey, where's Scotty?
Scott's father: Cooper said they were going camping.
Scott's mother: Oh, that's nice. And where's Bert?
Scott's father: Fuck if I know.
Mad Maynard: Hey! How are you, you scalawag! Look, given the current geopolitical climate, all European countries should have a seat at the table.
Cooper: Right.
Mad Maynard: Except those fucking Ities. I hate them Italian bastards. You know what I mean?
Scott: Excuse me.
Mad Maynard: Hello, boyo!
Scott: What the hell happened last night?
Mad Maynard: You got steamed up, pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son! Don't worry. We come and got ya, so you wouldn't miss the trip.
Scott: What trip? Where are we going? What do you mean, where are we going?
Mad Maynard: We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris. Aren't we, boys? [All hooligans break out in cheers] Yeah!
Cooper: [To hooligan] Why are you yelling at me?
Cecil: [with heavy Mancunian accent] So I tell the swamp donkey to sock it before I give her a trunky in the tradesman's entrance and have her lick me yardballs!
Cooper: Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing over here.
Scott: Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris.
Cooper: I know. Cecil told me.
Scott: Mieke's in Berlin.
Cooper: We're not going to Berlin.
Scott: What are we gonna do? We need a plan.
Cooper: See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking. Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.
Scott: That's why France and Germany have always been allies.
Hooligan: Aye, allies.
Scott: The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We can call them. They could help. Let me see your phone.
Cooper: Okay, but I'm only supposed to use this for business calls. [Scott snatches the phone] Hey, don't...
[Bus arrives in paris]
Mad Maynard: [Spots a supporter of the rival team] Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on! Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads, he's going off! [All the hooligans charge after the man]
Scott: All right. Twins said they'd meet us here. Look at that! There they are. Come on. Jenny! Jamie! Hey! Come here!
Jenny: No, no. No, no, no! Scott, bienvenue a Paris!
Scott: Thank you.
Cooper: Is that a new camera?
Jamie: It isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M. Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.
Cooper: Let me see that thing.
Jamie: No can do. I spent four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me.
Cooper: It's like your wiener.
Jamie: No, it's not... Jenny...
Jenny: Cooper, leave him alone. Wow, I can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.
Cooper: Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty. She makes girls in our high school look like walruses.
Jenny: I'm a girl from your high school.
Cooper: No, I mean "girl" girls.
Scott: Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris! Let's go to the Louvre!
In unison: To the Louvre!
Cooper: So, you guys wanna stay here, or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?
Jamie: Here's a fun fact. Voltaire contracted syphilis two blocks from here. Should we go?
Cooper: Can we please get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.
Scott: Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper: I really don't like him.
Scott: Why? Because he's doing this?
Cooper: Okay, seriously, don't do that. Cooper. Do not hate me.
Scott: I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get... freaky. You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay. [Robotman pushes him] Oh!
Jenny: Fight! Fight!
Cooper: Break the leg shot!
Scott: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jamie: Don't look in his eyes, Scotty.
Scott's friends: Ohhh! That was not cool. Oh!
Scott: Guys, let's go. Come on.
Robotman: Error! Error! Error!
[They are all in a restaurant]
Scott: How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together. Why don't you come to Berlin?
Jamie: Umm, no.
Scott:Jamie, come on. In a few months, we go to different colleges. This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this. Plus, we're in Europe. Huh? This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up. All right, this table is now Europe, Okay? Excuse me. We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke, who is over here, in Berlin. If you come with us, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way. We can go to Denmark.
Jenny: I love Denmark.
Cooper: We gotta hit Amsterdam.
Scott: Definitely.
Jamie: And the cathedral at Cameret!
Scott: Yeah... Maybe. We'll see.
Scott: If there's time. Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.
Cooper: Fine.
Scott: Excellent! All right! A toast!
Cooper: Yes!
Scott: To Mieke! To Europe!
In unison: To Europe! Merci. Berlin, here we come! All right.

Jamie: Better let me hold on to those.
Cooper: What the hell is that?
Jamie: It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.
Cooper: Except your dignity.
Jamie: No, you just put that in your... wait, what?
Cooper: Come on, guidebook. Let's go.
Cooper: [Woman bending over at vending machine] Check it out. European ass. [Woman turns around and it's Jenny]
Jenny: What's up?
Cooper: Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some... girl. Come on. Platform 4.
Jenny: Thanks.
Jenny: [Can shoots out machine and rolls along floor] Damn!
Christoph: [He catches the can] I believe this is yours. Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.
Cooper: Jenny, let's go! Move it!
Jenny: Those are my friends. We're supposed to go to Berlin...
Cooper: Jenny!
Jenny: I'm coming!
Christoph: So, it was really nice to meet you. The pleasure was all mine.
Jenny: Jennifer.

[They're riding the train and Cooper starts singing through closed lips; "Scotty Doesn't Know" with Scott's glare]
Cooper: What? You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.
[They all join in singing with projection]
[Italian man enters train compartment and sits between Jamie and Cooper squeezed in]
Scott: You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.
Italian man: Huh? Ah! Si, si. Pardon me. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with the man got his hand on Jamie's knee who looks down at his hand who points to it with an open hand] Eh? Ohhh... Scusi. Mi scusi. Hi. [Jamie and Cooper rush to other seat side but Jamie is pushed away, man pats Jamie's seat spot] Buongiorno. [Train goes through tunnel and emerges with man massaging Jamie's shoulders]
Jamie: What the hell are you doing?!
Italian man: Mi scusi, mi scusi.
Jamie: No! No, no, no!
Scott: Uh-oh.
Jamie: What?!
Scott: Big tunnel!
Jamie: Who's touching me?! Scotty, is that you?! Who's touching me?! Scotty! Oh!
[Tunnel emerges with all of them on other compartment side with man on their side with his pants off and smoking a cigarette]
Italian man: Mi Scusi. Buongiorno. [Man is thrown out of compartment and his pants thrown out after who picks it up and walks away]

Jamie: Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.
Cooper: Well, we got a couple of hours to kill. What's there to see in this town?
Jamie: Hello? The Monument des Poissonieres. It's a monument to all the local fishermen who were lost at sea. Frommer's says it's supposed to be..."quite moving."
Cooper: What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO? We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue. I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.
Jenny: Hmm. Says here this town has a famous nude beach.
Cooper: All right, we can't all just lie around all day. We gotta experience the culture firsthand. Let's go exploring!

Cooper: So, what's the etiquette on boners? Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
Scott: Wait, wait. Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?
Cooper: Of course. Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?
Jamie: As long as this thing has our money and passports in it, it's not coming off, and my trunks won't come off, either.
Cooper: Come on. You came all the way to Europe. Can't wimp out now. Okay. All right, on the count of three. Here we go. [They takes off pants] Look at Jamie's penis!
Jamie: Very funny. Very funny.
Cooper: All right. Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin! Here we go. Really? Yes. Mm-hmm. Hello, ladies! [They run to beach only to realise it's all men]
Beach visitors: Ladies? Bitches?
Cooper: Eww! What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls. I don't understand!
Jamie: [Turns over a page in Frommer's with a you-should-know-better face] Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent. However, during the summer, the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists, so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach next to the Monument des Poissonieres.
Cooper: There's so many penises.
Jamie: Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.
Scott: This is the biggest sausage fest on earth. It's the international house of sausage.
Jenny: Hey! Thanks for waiting.
Cooper: You're not missing anything. It's all guys.
Jenny: At least the sun's out. [Takes off sweater and hat, starts shaking hair]
Cooper: Holy crap!
Jenny: What? I thought this was a nude beach.
Jamie: [Heavily dramatised] No...! [Throws himself past Jenny in the style of an action film cliche]
Jenny: Huh?
Jamie: No.
Jenny: What? What are you doing?
Jamie: Jenny, you gotta cover up.
Beach visitors: Girl? [They all start lumbering collectively on them zombie-style] Girl! Ooh, girl. Girl... girl. Girl... girl...
Jamie: Run! I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.
Scott: All right. See ya.
Beach visitors: Chica! Chica! Chica! Chica!

[Riding the train]
Cooper: Reading Mieke's old emails again?
Scott: Yeah. You know, she said I might be the one? That's huge. I've never been "the one" before. Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but turns out I was, what?
Cooper: Look, you got nothing to worry about. You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.
Scott: Thanks. Yeah. I will, won't I?
[Dream sequence]
Mieke: I'm so sad and lonely. I'm so sad and lonely. I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.
Scott: Mieke! I'm here.
Mieke: Scotty!
Scott: About that last email. I'm so sorry...
Mieke: The past is the past. You're here now. I've been saving myself for you. Let us make love for one whole month. Touch me, Scotty.
Scott: Okay.
Mieke: Oh, Scott... [Scott wakes up and realises Mieke is actually Italian man]
Italian man: Mi bello... Mi scusi! [Scott starts screaming, with Italian man and other three joining in]
Song lyrics: Hot stuff baby this evening. Gotta have some hot stuff. Gotta have some love tonight. Hot stuff.
Scott: Guys, our train doesn't leave till morning. Where will we sleep?
Cooper: What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow. This is the best that could've happened. We're in Amsterdam! This is the drug and sex capital of Europe! [Holds up flyer] Take a look at this. "Club Vandersexxx. The red light district's hottest sex club." We have to check it out. Who's with me? [They stare indifferently] I'll go. Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.
Madame Vandersexxx: I see. You're waiting for me "
Cooper: This is definitely where I parked my car!
Madame Vandersexxx: Hello there. Welcome to Club Vandersexxx... Amsterdam's most erotic club, where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper: Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx: He's American. How sad for you to grow up in a country founded by prudes. A country overrun with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time, and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper: It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx: I know. But you can come with me... and let the Vandersexxx begin.
[Scott and Jenny are at "Groovy Cakes Amsterdam"]
Song lyrics: Marijuana in my soul. Your iguana in my hall.
Scott: I can't believe we're doing this!
Jenny: Don't worry. Hash brownies are totally legal here.
Bakery server: [Lays down plate of brownies] You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical!
Song lyrics: I like to smoke marijuana "
Scott: You wanna do this?
Jenny: Yeah. [They dig in]
Jamie: Hi.
Camera store clerk: Hi.
Jamie: I need a new battery for my camera, and while you're at it, it could use a cleaning.
Camera store clerk: Wow. Is that a Leica M6?
Jamie: Actually, it's an M7. It's got the built-in light meter.
Camera store clerk: It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful. How's the new lens system?
Jamie: Makes the Nikon look like a disposable.
Camera store clerk: You really know your cameras. And you're very cute.
Jamie: Me? Really?
Camera store clerk: I'm going on break. I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?
Jamie: I don't smoke.
Camera store clerk: Neither do I. Hold on, hold on. What is it? This is great! You're so innocent. Let's change that... shall we? What would you like me to do?
Jamie: Well... I don't really know... I guess I really haven't done that much. I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars, and model U.N., advanced placement classes, after-school tutor... ing!
Jamie: Ah! Gosh, you really like cameras!
Madame Vandersexxx: Sometimes, we find our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure, that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean, "yes." And this is why we have the safe word.
Cooper: The "safe word"?
Madame Vandersexxx: If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word. Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.
Cooper: Yeah, right. Stop.
Madame Vandersexxx: All right. We're going to start slowly, teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.
Cooper: Whee! Oh, yes, ladies! [Girls tie Cooper to table]
Madame Vandersexxx: On, on, vandersexxx! [Girls disappear, curtains automatically pull away, lighting changes to militaristic BDSM-style and she pulls away jacket to reveal leather dress] Hans! Gruber!
Cooper: Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx: Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper: Huh? What? Hey! Safe word! What is that?! That's not a word, it's a... "Fluggen-kliggin-kien?" Fluggen!
Mugger: Okay, mister, don't move!
Jamie: Excuse me?!
Mugger: Shut the hell up!
Jamie: Oh, brother! Please don't hurt me. [To Camera store clerk] Oh, no... you're fine. That's good. You're fine.
Mugger: Give me cash?! You got cash?!
Jamie: Take it all, you dirty girl!
Mugger: What?! Your wallet! Focus! Give it to me! [Gives him wallet belt]
Jamie: Oh! Oh, I love you! I love you! I love you! I looove you!
[Camera view mimics vertigo]
Scott: What's so funny?!
Jenny: I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies!
Scott: Excuse me?!
Jenny: Huh?
Scott: It's hot in here! You hot?! 'Cause I'm really hot!
Jenny: So good!
Scott: Okay, I can't breathe! God! I'm freaking out! I think we got a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out. I can't... I can't do this. I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came! I am freaking out!
Bakery server: Everything all right with you?!
Scott: No, nothing's all right! You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies! You're a bad Rastafarian!
Bakery server: [Camera view becomes stoic] These are not hash brownies.
Scott: Hmm?! What was that?!
Bakery server: We do not sell hash brownies. We're a simple Dutch bakery! Now put your clothes back on, white boy!
Cooper: Ow! Ow! Ow! "Fluggengegeholen!"
Madame Vandersexxx: Did you say fluggegecheimen?!
Cooper: Yes! Yes! For the love of god, fluggengecheimen!
Madame Vandersexxx: Are you sure?!
Cooper: Yes, please!
Madame Vandersexxx: As you wish. Bring on the fluggegecheimen! [Two burly men bring out a cartoonishly complex sex machine with four dildos repurposed from a weedwacker]
Cooper: Wait... what? Uh-oh. No, no, no! I didn't say fluggegecheimen, [They rev the machine] I said, uh... [They lean in aiming at Cooper's rear] aaah!
[Cooper walks up to Scott and Jenny in the street the morning after]
Scott: What'd you do last night?
Cooper: I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott: Don't want to talk about it. What is that?
Cooper: Free T-shirt.
Jamie: Hey, guys!
Cooper: What happened to you?
Jamie: I got robbed. It was awesome! Our money, passports, tickets... Everything, gone!
[They're standing at side of motorway trying to bum a ride]
Cooper: How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up! For shame! [Phone rings] Oh, that's me. Coop here. Sorry. Hello, Mr. Walters. You never got the Gutterman file? I told Humphrey to give it to you. That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday. I'll tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye. This job's killing me. [Truck pulls over and driver leans out speaking fast colloquial German]
Scott: [Greets in German]
Truck driver: [Greets in German]
Scott: Uh... Let me handle this. I speak bad German. [In German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck driver: [In German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in 3 days. And I am wired on Schnapps, Benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
Cooper: What did he say?
Scott: He said he's driving.
Jenny: Oh.
Scott: Something. [In German] Do you know where Berlin is?
Truck driver: [In German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Scott: Berlin?
Truck driver: Berlin! [In German] I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
Scott: He's going to Berlin!
Jamie: Awesome! All right!
Jenny: Berlin!
Truck driver: Come on, let's go! Next stop, Berlin! [In German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
[Truck arrives at a city and they all pile out]
Scott: Beautiful! We made it to Berlin.
Truck driver: Jah. Berlin! [In German] No one will ever find me in Bratislava.
Scott: Bratislava?
Truck driver: Yeah. Bratislava!
Cooper: Dear sweet mother of God. We're in Eastern Europe.
Jenny: Eww!
Scott: Excuse me. Do you speak any English?
Man: You are Americans? Yeah. I love America. We just get "Miami Vice" on television. "Miami Vice" is number one new show. Yeah.
Scott: Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany. Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?
Man: Oh, yes, very soon. They are building it now. Stop! Hammer time! Enjoy Bratislava! It's good you came in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.
Scott: We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?
Jamie:Frommer's travel tip.
Jenny: I don't have anything.
Cooper: What? I got noth... fine. [Fishes out spare change] $1.83 American.
Scott: What are we gonna get with that?
[Servers bursts out door with dinner courses on fancy platter]
Scott: Gotta love that exchange rate!
[Cooper watches a TV commercial for orange juice with two topless women]
TV commercial announcer: Ta. Hapi Djus. Teraz bez drenei.
Cooper: Hmm. Now with less pulp.
Scott: Dinner is served.
Server: Would the masters care for anything else?
Scott: Think we're good. Thanks. [Tips him]
Server: Ah! A nickel! [To boss] You see this? [Slaps his boss] I quit! I open my own hotel!
Scott: So, we got 27 cents left. What is there to do in this town?
[They're at a nightclub with a dance club remix of "Scotty doesn't know" playing]
Scott: This song sounds familiar.
Cooper: Jenny, lemme check your coat.
Jenny: Hey!
Cooper: Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off... now!
Jenny: No, but I will let you buy me a drink.
Cristoph: Excuse me! You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you? My name is... Christoph.
Jenny: Yes. What are you doing here?
Cristoph: This is my place. My family owns many nightclubs in Europe. I'd be honored if you'd join me in my V.I.P.Room for a drink.
Jenny: Mmm-kay. Bye, Cooper.
[A bottle of absinthe is served to them]
Scott: What's that?
Jamie: It's absinthe. Frommer's says it's illegal in the States because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy. They call it "the green fairy."
Cristoph: My family has a yacht in the Aegean. Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.
Jenny: Oh, my God!
Cristoph: We will swim with dolphins, and sip champagne by moonlight.
Jenny: Oh, my God!
Cristoph: We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine. My wife makes the best sangria.
Jenny: Wait... what?
Jenny: Sangria.
Cristoph: You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and...
Jenny: No, wait. You said you were married? You go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?
Cristoph: No, please, Jennifer. It is not like that. I also sleep with men.
Jamie: I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Cooper: Me neither. Sober as a judge.
Scott: How 'bout you?
Green Fairy hallucination: I'm not feeling a goddamn thing. This absinthe is bullshit!
Scott: I hear you, my brother. [Fist bumps the fairy]
Green Fairy hallucination: I'm outta here. [He flies off
Jenny: Excuse me. [She grabs absinthe bottle]
Cooper: Hey, so where's Christoph?
Jenny: Shut up. [Starts chugging straight from bottle]
Collectively: Europe! Europe! Whoo! Europe!
Cooper: [To Scott] So, tomorrow, Berlin. Tomorrow, Mieke!
Scott: Check it out. [Referring to Jamie making out with a woman] No way!
Cooper: Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it! It's just so unfair. I've been all over, looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up... [The couple turns sideways to reveal the woman is Jenny]
Scott and Cooper: Oh, my God!
Green Fairy hallucination: That is some pretty fucked-up shit. Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?"
Scott: They really are the worst twins ever.
[They're lounging on stone steps all looking extremely being tormented by guilt and regret with Cooper looking smug]
Cooper: That was a pretty wild night, eh? Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild. I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you...?
Jenny: All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie... kissed me. Let's just forget about it, 'kay?
Cooper: Consider it forgotten. Never happened. Never happened. Fine. Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex. Have you had sex?
Jamie: Shut up, Cooper!
Jenny: Jamie, relax. Cooper. Please?
Cooper: Okay, okay, fine. I'll give it a rest. Jamie, could I borrow your Frommer's? [Jamie throws the book to Cooper] Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact. You made out with your sister, man! [Jamie lunges at Cooper and starts throttling him]
Jamie: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Cooper: Like two dogs in heat.
Miami Vice fan man: [Pulls up in an orange ute panel van hybrid vehicle] My friends, where is the beef? You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

Scott: This is Mieke's apartment building. Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.
Jenny: You'll do great, Scotty.
Scott: Thanks.
Cooper: I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this. [Grandmother greets door] Dude, Mieke's hideous! Run!
Scott: Stop. [Mieke's father appears] Hi, my name is Scott Thomas. I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.
Mieke's father: I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here.
Scott: Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She's gone for the summer.
[Scott, Cooper and Mieke's father are seated in living room]
Mieke's father: My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America, looking at colleges and visiting some friends. But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind. She would not tell me why.
Scott: I think I know why.
Mieke's father: This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother. As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left. It was all very sudden.
Scott: Do you know where she is now?
Mieke's father: She's always been very interested in the classics, Greek and Roman literature, history, and she's always enjoyed the ocean, so she found a program that combines all her interests.
Scott: Do you know where she is?
Mieke's father: She enrolled in a summer at sea program, based in Rome.
Scott: Rome. Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.
Mieke's father: Unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation. Tomorrow her group boards a boat and she'll be gone for the summer. She'll be quite unreachable.
Scott: Unreachable.
Mieke's father: Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow, then she gets on that boat and she's gone.
Scott: So, it's over?
Scott: Thanks for sticking with me through this, guys, but... you should probably call your parents, have them wire you some money and go home.
Jamie: What are you gonna do?
Scott: I'm going to Rome. I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to, but I'll get to Mieke somehow.
Jamie: Maybe that'll help.
Scott: Where'd you get all that? Wait. Where's your Leica?
Jamie: Sold it.
Scott: What? You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing. What about your Europe photo tour, the chateaus?
Jamie: Chateaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours. Let's go! Frommer's says check in three hours before international flights.
Scott: Come here, guidebook!
Jamie: Whoo! We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!
Tour guide: All right, summer at sea group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum. This way, please.
Scott: There it is.
Swiss guard: This entrance is for private tour groups only.
Jenny: Oh... but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America. That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded. [Cooper struggles with his ice cream cone]
Swiss guard: Si, I can tell. How very, very sad.
Jenny: Yes, it is.
Swiss guard: But if you are a tour, where is your guide?
Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie: What? No... The Vatican has been used as a papal residence ever since the time of Constantine the Great of the 5th century A.D.!
Swiss guard: Oh. Okay... um... if you'll all follow me, please. Have a very special day for a very special little man.
Cooper: Okay. I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard!
Swiss guard: [To Jamie] Scusate. One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick. [Points to a tour group] Could you please take these peoples also?
Tourist 1: How big is Vatican City?
Jenny: We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.
Jamie: 0.5 square kilometers.
Tourist 2: Who built the colonnades?
Jamie: Gianlorenzo Bernini, 1656.
Tourist 3: Where are the bathrooms?
Jamie: Floors 6 and 7. Next I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a new pope. When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican. Here's a fun fact...
[On an upper floor]
Scott: Mieke must be around here somewhere. Let's go.
Tour guide: Behind me is the appartamento papale, or "papal apartment." We're obviously not permitted.
Mieke: Excuse me, miss. What is this?
Tour guide: That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome rings this bell to notify the people of Rome. Next we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.
Cooper: Come on. I think I hear them.
Scott: Which way did they go?
Cooper: That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.
Scott: Good enough for me.
Cooper: Hey, check it out! I wonder what this does. [Pull's on bell rope]
Scott: It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go. [They walk into Papal Chambers]
Cooper: They got a lot of old stuff here.
St. Peter's square man: Dio mio! The bell of San Marco! The pope is dead!
Scott: Whoa. She's not in here. Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be in here.
Cooper: [Puts on a pope mitre] Hey, check this out! I'm the pope!
Scott: Cooper... take off the pope hat.
Cooper: Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic.
Scott: Take it off, goddamnit!
Cooper: Oh, you took the Lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son.
Scott: Take that fudging thing off!
Cooper: The pope breaks an open-field tackle. It's a Hail Mary, he catches at the...the...the...the...touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. [Puts a mitre on Scott] And oh, my Lord! It's the Pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?
Scott: [Points to Cooper's hat] Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!
Cooper: "We don't need no water let the m... "
Scott: I'm not kidding! Look!
Cooper: Oh, holy shit!
Scott: I don't want this! Fireplace! Fireplace! Go, go! [Cooper throws hat into fireplace]
Cooper and Scott: Whoa!
St. Peter's square man: White smoke! They've elected the new pope!
Newscaster: I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move, has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very excited.
St. Peter's square man: This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.
Jamie: We could be seeing history in the making!
Jenny: We could be seeing an arrest in the making.
Scott: [Spots Mieke in the square from window] There she is. Mieke! Hey! Stupid curtain! Let me out! Mieke!
St. Peter's square man: It's the new pope!
Mieke: What the hell...?
Scott: Mieke! Hold on! [Leaps onto a banner curtain and slides down to the ground]
St. Peter's square man: This is one crazy pope.
Swiss guard: You! Ferma! Stop! You! You... and your retarded friend, you're in big, big trouble.
Maynard: Oy! Take your mitts off them boys! They're with me! I've just about had enough of you fuckin' ities!
Swiss guard: But I am Swiss!
Maynard: Them, too! [Puts arm on Scott's shoulders] Now, bud... you get in there, and you say what you got to say.
Scott: Mieke. I'm here. I made it.
Mieke: Who are you?
Bert: What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.
Scott: I'm Scott.
Mieke: From Ohio? Scott? Scott Thomas?
Scott: Yes.
Mieke: From Ohio? What are you doing in Rome?
Scott: I came here to be with you. Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe. I got chased by naked men. I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them. I watched a brother and sister make out. I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that... so I could tell you one thing. I love you, Mieke.
Crowd: Aww...
Scott: We're perfect for each other. What do you think?
Mieke: I think...
[Scott and Mieke are making out in a confessional box]
Scott: Oh, Mike... Mieke!
Old woman confessor: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?
Mieke: Oh, yes!
Old woman confessor: Father?
Cooper: This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on Earth.
Jenny: I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.
Cooper: What?
Mieke: Scott, I have to go.
Scott: Okay.
Mieke: My boat is leaving. I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.
Scott: What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.
Mieke: Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?
Scott: Yeah, I will.
Mieke: Go.
Scott: Bye. Yes! Yes! Yes! Whoo-hoo!
[They're seated at an outdoor cafe]
Scott: Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together. This was the best time of my life.
Arthur: Excuse me. You're the young man who gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?
Jamie: Listen, I'm very sorry...
Arthur: I just wanted to thank you. You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic, tour guide I've ever had.
Jamie: Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide. I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized. Although I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.
Arthur: How would you like to add them?
Jamie: Excuse me?
Arthur: That's my guidebook. I'm Arthur Frommer. [Hands Jamie his business card]
[They're at the airport]
Jamie: It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.
Jenny: That sounds so exciting... for you.
Scott: I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this. A disposable camera. That's right.
Jamie: Thanks, Scotty.
Scott: That's from both of us.
Cooper: [Answers phone] Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... goodbye, sir.
Scott: They had to catch you eventually, right?
Cooper: No, they fired Humphrey.
Scott: Shut up!
Cooper: I got his office and a raise.
Jenny: No!
PA Announcer: Flight from Rome to Cleveland...
Jamie: That's you guys. Have a good flight, everybody.
Scott: Come here. [They hug]
Jamie: Be good. Oh! Okay... Cooper, have a good flight. Be good.
Cooper: Thanks. I'm on it.
[Airborne on a plane, Jenny whispers to Cooper, seductively steps over him and walks to the toilet and then Cooper joins her later]
Cooper: [In the toilet] This still counts as Europe, right?
Scott: [Typing e-mail] "Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible. I just moved into my dorm room today, but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break. This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct." [Answers phone] Hello?
Cooper: [Walking across campus quad] Hey, buddy, how's college?
Scott: I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.
Cooper: Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?
Scott: I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.
Cooper: German? I've got a better idea. Why don't you major in not being such a woman?
Scott: So, how's Jenny?
Cooper: Jenny... Jenny who? I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all... [Jenny slaps him on the head from off-camera and takes his phone] ow!
Jenny: Hey, Scotty, what's up?
Scott: Hi, Jenny! How's Jamie doing with Frommer?
Cooper: [Cooper has spotted a gold-colored busker performing a robot dance] Oh, no. Hold on. Come here, robot!
Jenny: Cooper, not again!
Scott: [Hears a knock on his dorm door] Hold on, this could be my new roommate. [Opens door to Mieke]
Cooper: [With the busker in a head-lock and Jenny holding up phone to him] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Mieke: I just got your last email.
Scott: What are you doing here?
Mieke: Going to college.
Scott: You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke: This one. Room 214.
Scott: How is this possible?
Mieke: I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott: Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
Cooper: Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty? Scotty?! Scotty?! Scotty!
Green Fairy hallucination: This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.
[Bert is in backyard with his father]
Father: Catchy tune.
Bert: Fuckin'-a, man.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.
Scott: Sounds great.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby. Sorry. Get it?
Scott: She got it.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables... in your anus.
Madame Vandersexxx: Drink? I'm gonna rip away his pants and look at his dick, Okay? Ready?
Cooper: Quit.
Madame Vandersexxx: Shut up. Sorry. I know I fucked it up. Yes! You take her hair... and one strand at a time, pull it out! Use her like a humping post!
Cooper: Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos. Show them something they haven't seen.
Amsterdam hostel concierge woman: Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring, or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated, along with the valuables you have hidden in your anus.
Jenny: [Jumping up and down with back to camera] Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old!
Candy: Is it off yet?
Cooper: No, keep rubbing it.


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