F Is for Family

F Is for Family is an American adult animated sitcom created by Bill Burr and Michael Price and produced by Gaumont International Television and Vince Vaughn's Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

Season 1

The Bleedin' in Sweden [1.01]

Frank Murphy: I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE MET GOD!

---

Frank Murphy: That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

---

Frank: Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.

Kevin Murphy: We're not doing anything!

Frank: Neither was I. That's how you got here.

---

Vic: Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

Saturday Bloody Saturday [1.02]

Frank: Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam.

Kevin: What? I'm not?

Frank: You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

---

Bob "Pogo" Pogrohovich: They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

"F" is for Halloween [1.04]

Maureen Murphy: Cocksucker!

Frank Murphy: What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

Kevin Murphy: What if she never comes home?

Frank: DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

Bill Murphy's Day Off [1.05]

Bill Murphy: Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.

Kevin Murphy: Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.

Bill: Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.

Kevin: I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me cause I'm a piece of shit. They give me a paper saying I'm said 'piece of shit', and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the fuck would I do that? I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

O Holy Moly Night [1.06]

Frank Murphy: Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

Season 2

Heavy Sledding [2.01]

Jimmy Fitzsimmons: [after throwing a snowball in Bill's face] If you cross my path today, Murphy, I will scalp you, shit in the scalp, and slap it back on your head so everybody calls you "shit-wig", and--

Frank Murphy: HEY!

Jimmy Fitzsimmons: [whimpering, backing off] Oh man, don't hurt me!

Frank Murphy: Yeah! You'd better run from me!

[Susan is shown next to him, also looking angry]

Jimmy Fitzsimmons: [retreating] I'm afraid of your wife, you out-of-work pussy-fart!

Frank Murphy: You see that, Sue? Everybody knows. I can't even intimidate children anymore.

Susan Murphy: Don't let him bother you, Frank, he'll be in jail soon.

F Is for Fixing It [2.08]

Mr. Fitzsimmons: Jimmy James Fitzsimmons, get in this fucking car! Yeah, you've seen the light. Beating up little fat girls, I ought to kick your ass!

Phillip Bonfiglio: I'm a boy.

Season 3

Paul Lynde to Block [3.02]

Frank Murphy: [to Sue] Oh honey, what do you need? Anything, you name it.

Kevin Murphy: You can turn on the air conditioner.

Frank Murphy: It's not hot enough for it yet.

Kevin Murphy': [annoyed] What does this family have against comfort?!

Frank Murphy: Electricity costs money, Kevin. Do the math.

Bill Murphy: [smug] He can't. He failed math.

Frank Murphy: [shocked] What?

Sue Murphy: [shocked] You failed math?

Kevin Murphy: [to Bill] You are dead.

Bill Murphy: [still smug] And you are dumb. He has to go to summer school.

Frank Murphy: [shocked] Summer school?! [upset] We're supposed to go to the lake next month! YOU'D JUST FUCKED UP THE WHOLE SUMMER, KEVIN!!!

Maureen Murphy: Daddy, I got all A's.

Frank Murphy: [to Maureen, calmly] Oh Princess, I'm yelling at Kevin right now. [to Kevin, angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Sue Murphy: Frank, stop yelling.

Frank Murphy: [angry] That is it! No more guitar! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE YOUR NOSE IN A BOOK THIS WHOLE SUMMER YOUNG MAN, IF I HAVE TO GLUE TO IT YOUR GODDAMN FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! AM I SPEAKING PLAIN ENGLISH, OR DID YOU FUCKING FLUNK THAT TOO?!

Kevin Murphy: [talking back] I GOT A D-PLUS IN ENGLISH!!

Frank Murphy: [sarcastically] OHHH, A D-PLUS! WELL, LET'S HAVE A FUCKING PARADE!!!

Sue Murphy: [silently pissed off] Frank, you are not helping.

Frank Murphy: [continues] HEY, STRIKE UP THE BAND!! [mimics drumming sound and starts walking like a musician] THREE CHEERS FOR MY D-MINUS SON!!!

Kevin Murphy: D-PLUS!!!

Sue Murphy: [outraged] FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!?!?!? [Frank slows his walking. Calming] It is hot. There is a creature inside me, and it is using my bladder as a speed bag. But do YOU, see ME...[angry as she picks up her plate and smashes it on the floor]...RANTING AND RAVING, LIKE A LUNATIC??? [Does the same with the bowl on the table]

[Everyone stares at her, shocked]

Frank Murphy: Why don't I turn on the air conditioning? There you go, honey! Sweet relief!

[The A/C machine sputters as bugs and smoke come out of it, then it falls to the ground outside]

Frank Murphy: AH, SHIT! [Half of a dead toad slaps him in the face]

Vic: [From far away] DON'T LICK THAT TOAD, FRANK!

The Stinger [3.03]

Mr. Fitzsimmons: Bridget, we gotta go.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: I wanna swim.

Mr. Fitzsimmons: And I wanna piss without blood. Now, come on. I still got to fish a stillborn possum out of the Eastside pool.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: I'm staying! Fuck those Eastside dick blisters!

Bill Murphy: She's hot...

Mr. Fitzsimmons: Well, then fuck your mother and fuck you too! [Everyone gasps and looks at him] It's all right, everyone. She's my daughter.

Mr. Murphy's Wild Ride [3.04]

Phillip Bonfiglio: [getting upset from Anthony's keep saying "You know what?"] You know what, Anthony? You annoy the fuck out of me! I wish I'd pushed harder on your soft spot when you were a baby! [he pushes Anthony to the ground]

Punch Drunk [3.06]

Frank Murphy: You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.

Kevin Murphy: We're not that lucky.

Frank Murphy: You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

Summer Vacation [3.07]

Frank Murphy: Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?

Bill Murphy: We shove it down…

Frank Murphy: That's right. And later in life, we take it out on someone else.

It's in His Blood [3.08]

Bridget Fitzsimmons: You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! I break up with you!

Bill Murphy: You did break up with me!

Bridget Fitzsimmons: THE FUCK I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.

Bill Murphy: You were being nice?!

Frank the Father [3.09]

Frank Murphy: I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

---

Frank Murphy: So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?

Kevin Murphy: ... Door was supposed to swing out...

Frank Murphy: Yeah, well, I should have pulled out! Fucking jailbird!

International Touch: [approaching Kevin] Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!

Frank Murphy: He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!

International Touch: Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

Season 4

Bring me a Tooth [4.03]

Amy Jenkins: You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: Go suck your mother's dick!

Amy Jenkins: At least I have a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: [yelling after her] Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says "Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!" [pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby] I won't let her say that about you.

Season 5

Blind Alley [5.03]

Frank Murphy: [muttering to himself while driving to work on a rainy early morning] Fucking Saturday. Fucking crack of dawn. Fucking birds aren’t even awake. Goddamn Ed treats me like a slave. Unpaid fucking training. Fuck him. [clocks in] Smiling piece of shit. See how happy he is with my foot up his fucking ass. Fucking...

Ed: Morning Frank!

Frank Murphy: Jesus!

Ed: Frank, the coffee was ready at 5:30, but you weren’t.

Burke: Want me to make him stand out in the rain?

Ed: Oh, no. I don’t want to give Frank the achoo-ies. But I will have to give you the finger. [Brushes his right index finger over his left index finger while giving Frank a stern look]

---

Maureen Murphy: [to a fussy Megan] Shut the fuck up.

Frank Murphy: Maureen!

Maureen Murphy: I wasn’t doing anything!

Frank Murphy: You do not tell a kid to shut the fuck up. That’s a parent’s job. [Sits on sofa next to Maureen, holds Megan] Now, sweetie, I know you’re still adjusting to having a new sibling, okay? But in time you’ll...

Maureen Murphy: Okay, bye, going to the graveyard! [runs out the door]

Frank Murphy: [sighs, to Megan] will you please turn out normal?

---

Louis Chilson: Sue, I taught you the fake crying bit. That doesn’t work on me.

The Searchers [5.05]

Woman on Porn Film: Professor Screw-well, there must be some way for me to make up being late to school.

Red: You need an insertion of discipline.

[They both grunt moan and groan when the kids saw the porn film, "Fuck School". When Frank enters angrily]

Frank Murphy: BILL! [the kids gave them a shock] What the fսck is this?!

[The kids were clamoring and running away from the Former Stevenson's house]

Bill Murphy: [shocked] Dad!

Sue Murphy: [angrily] BILL!

Frank Murphy: [shrieked with a shock and shouts] SUE, DON'T LOOK!!! DON'T LOOK!!!

Ben: [peaks out of his eyes and looks at Frank] Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!

Frank Murphy: [starts panicking at the kids scaring him off] UGH!!! NO, NO, NO!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! [grunts, kicks the movie projecter and cause them on fire and he's shocked in horror]

Screw Ups [5.06]

Bill Murphy: That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...

[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]

Frank Murphy: NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!

[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]

Frank Murphy: I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?

Bill Murphy: Okay. Can I still be your cop?

Frank Murphy: Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.

A Very Merry F***ing Christmas [5.07]

Louis: [after chopping a plank of wood with his hand, bows to students] ありがとう ございました.

Karate students: ありがとう ございました.

[gong rings]

Louis: [in mid bow, turns head to window and sees Sue] Oh, fuck.

Karate students: Oh, fuck.

Bye Bye, Frankie [5.08]

Susan Murphy: That's enough of your "poor me" bullshit!

Frank Murphy: What did I do?!

Susan Murphy: Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...

Maureen Murphy: Grandma Nora.

Kevin Murphy: The Beatles.

Bill Murphy: Johnny Unitas that one time.

Frank Murphy: Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was Earl Morrall's fault! [getting angrier and louder] Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath, THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!

[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]

Frank Murphy: What?! It's true!

Susan Murphy: But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but we are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.

Frank Murphy: IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!

[Megan starts crying]

Susan Murphy: Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter.

Frank Murphy: [quietly, ashamed] Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head.

Susan Murphy: Nobody here is stopping you.

---

Frank Murphy: Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.

Dick Sawitzki: He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.

Frank Murphy: How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?

Dick Sawitzki: Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.