Felidae is a 1994 German adult animated neo-noir crime film directed by Michael Schaack, produced by Trickompany and written by Martin Kluger, Stefaan Schieder and Akif Pirinçci based on Pirinçci's 1989 novel of the same name. It includes the voices of Ulrich Tukur, Mario Adorf and Klaus Maria Brandauer. The story centers on house cat Francis and the grisly feline murders taking place in his new neighborhood.
- Directed by Michael Schaack. Produced by Hanno Huth. Written by Martin Kluger, Stefaan Schieder and Akif Pirinçci.
- [first lines; narrating] Greetings, and salutations, friends. Sit back in your seat, look hard, and listen. Because I got a story to tell, and it's not gonna be pretty. Oh, the name's Francis. You can see what species I belong to, but don't take me too lightly.
- [sprays] Bluebeard was here.
- No, no! There aren't any good men! They're all bad! They're all the same! Animals are good creatures. But men are evil animals.
- [last lines before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...
- Francis: [talking about Deep Purple] Let me guess. This latest victim's also a tom, just like the other 4 stiffs.
- Bluebeard: Smartass. How the hell did you know that?
- Francis: It's a guess, but an educated one.
- Bluebeard: Anyway this time it's tight-assed Deep Purple that's taken out his last rat. His throat looks exactly though someone decided to test an ice pick to see if it works.
- Francis: One question, was he castrated?
- Bluebeard: Purple had his jewels intact, but, he couldn't get it up anymore.
- Francis: [noticing Felicity's eyes] You're blind.
- Felicity: I'm not blind. I just can't see.
- Pascal: [types the word "FELIDAE" on the computer] Do you know the meaning of this word, Felidae?
- Francis: Could it be a scientific name for all our family divisions, "cats" as they're usually called?
- Pascal: Felidae. Evolution has created an astounding number of various creatures. Not one however deserves the respected wonder the genus Felidae has earned. [shows on the computer a list]
- Francis: Wow! What did you combine on this list.
- Pascal: Those of us who live in the neighborhood, name, age, gender, breed, marking. I almost forgot, I need to enter you now as well.
- Francis: Incredible!
- Pascal: Yes it is. Even better if it can help us solve a murder.
- Francis: Did you know it all of the dead brothers?
- Pascal: Yes! They were all on the prowl after some female in heat.
- Francis: I... I have an idea. Find out what breed they were. That may lead us to a new tie-up.
- Pascal: Simple enough. [shows on the computer the murdered cats' type of race]
- Pascal: Well, none of them were particularly aristocratic examples of Felidae.
- Francis: But all the same race, so they weren't just excited and male. They were all European Shorthairs.
- Francis: [spotting a dead cat with her stomach and throat ripped out] Oh my God...
- Kong: Looks like he's run out of steam suddenly. That's what happens to you when you eat too much junk food.
- Francis: Yeah, I'm out of breath. And it looks like I'm not the only one. [indicating the dead cat]
- Kong: What bullshit you talking now? [gasps] Solitaire! Oh Solitaire! What have they done to you? What the hell has that evil bastard done?! My lovely, lovely Solitaire! [cries]
- Francis: Who was she?
- Herman 1: Solitaire was the boss' favorite girl, and chances are those are his family you can see as well. [pointing out the dead kitten fetuses]
- Kong: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna hamburger him! I'll tear his balls off and stuff them down his throat! What kind of heartless bastard would do this?! Who?! Who?! Tell me! [to Francis] Was it you? No, you didn't have the time. Well then who did it? Who was it?!
- Francis: I'll fight you with all my might, all my strength! I'll start by erasing this unholy program listing your murders! You had it.
- Pascal: You can't begin to imagine how deeply I regret this, Francis.
- [Soon, the entire Felidae program is erased forever. Francis suddenly hears a screech of defiance and spins around just in time to see Pascal leaping at him, claws out and aimed for him. Francis yowls in shock and draws himself back at the last minute, causing Pascal to smash into the computer. The impact slides the monitor over to the edge and it topples over onto the floor, the screen bursting open upon impact and causing the curtains to catch fire. Francis glares and growls at Pascal, hissing and arching his back. Pascal hisses back and attacks Francis. The fight is on. Francis and Pascal become a scrambling mess of black, white and brown. Claws scratch, teeth bite, and hisses, growls and yowls sound, overlapping one another. Francis scratches down across his opponent's left eyes, causing him to yowl and freeze momentarily. They both jump to the ground and begin fighting again. Behind them, the fire grows larger, beginning to engulf the entire room. Pascal pins Francis for a moment, but he is soon pushed off and the two cats exchange hateful stares before each let out their own hiss. They charge and continue fighting at the fire rages on. Soon, the struggle has the two cats worn out and exhausted, but Pascal does not let it deter him as he lets out a hiss. He suddenly leaps for Francis, arms and claws stretched out, accompanied by a long, drawn-out screech. Francis copies the action as he raises his paw... and slides it across Pascal's chest and stomach as his claws slice him open in mid-air. Pascal falls to the ground, his organs falling out and his ribcage exposed]
- Pascal: [last words before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...
- [Pascal's eyes roll to the back of his head, and with a pained sigh, he lays still. Pascal is now a goner]
- Ulrich Tukur as Francis.
- Mario Adorf as Bluebeard.
- Klaus Maria Brandauer as Pascal/Claudandus.
- Helge Schneider as Jesaja.
- Wolfgang Hess as Kong.
- Gerhard Garbers as Professor Julius Preterius.
- Ulrich Wildgruber as Joker.
- Mona Seefried as Felicity.
- Manfred Steffen as Gustav.
- Uwe Ochsenknecht as Archie.
- Michaela Amler as Nhozemphtekh.
- Christian Schneller as Gregor Mendel.
- Tobias Lelle and Frank Röth as the Herman Brothers.
- Alexandra Mink as Pepeline