Felidae (film)

Felidae is a 1994 German adult animated neo-noir crime film directed by Michael Schaack, produced by Trickompany and written by Martin Kluger, Stefaan Schieder and Akif Pirinçci based on Pirinçci's 1989 novel of the same name. It includes the voices of Ulrich Tukur, Mario Adorf and Klaus Maria Brandauer. The story centers on house cat Francis and the grisly feline murders taking place in his new neighborhood.

Directed by Michael Schaack. Produced by Hanno Huth. Written by Martin Kluger, Stefaan Schieder and Akif Pirinçci.

Francis

• [first lines; narrating] Greetings, and salutations, friends. Sit back in your seat, look hard, and listen. Because I got a story to tell, and it's not gonna be pretty. Oh, the name's Francis. You can see what species I belong to, but don't take me too lightly.
• [narrating] The musty stench hit me like a sledgehammer. I realized immediately that this revolting smell was not coming up the stairs from the cellar, but was in fact creeping down the stairs from the second floor. It was a mixture of drugstore, vet's office and toxic waste dump. And I should've known better than to set paw in the place.
• Bluebeard, don't kid yourself. An ice pick didn't do this; this was done by teeth. In order to crack this case, I've gotta meet as many of our brothers as I can in this godforsaken neighborhood. And you are the very brother to help me, Bluebeard!
• It isn't seven murders we have to deal with, it's hundreds! These murders started many, many years ago. It may go right back to the closing of a certain laboratory.

Bluebeard

• [to Kong] I can see you're scratching for a fight. Okay, you've got one! Pretty frightening. I can see you wanna show off to my friend, Francis. So, I better make it clear that I won't stand by and watch three take on one! So, okay! Come and get it, asshole!
• Tomorrow, I'm gonna take you to meet someone. He's a real clever bastard. You aren't the only smartass in town, you know?
• Why did you run off? The brothers just wanted to talk.
• [sprays] Bluebeard was here.
• Either Joker left here in a hurry or his stomach can't take cream anymore.
• I looked in the house Joker lives in, and it's a mess. But still, I went through it bottom to the top, but I found no sign of him.

Pascal/Claudandus

• Delighted to see you, my friends. I hope you enjoyed your tour of the house.
• I'm trying in my feeble way to use the computer to get on the track of the murderer you're out to find.
• Haven't you got it yet? He wants his motives to be known and understood. He's as complicated as a crossword puzzle. No. The killer is the puzzle and he wants us to... to solve it.
• The world is hell, Francis. And the crowning glory of hatefulness in this world is man. And the joke, my friend, is that we're now no different to him.
• No, no! There aren't any good men! They're all bad! They're all the same! Animals are good creatures. But men are evil animals.
• [last lines before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...

Dialogue

[Francis and Bluebeard see the corpse of a recently killed cat; they walk up to it.]

Francis: [narrating] And there in the backyard was my house warming present. There he lay, a black brother, legs stretched out as though he was asleep. Only he wasn't asleep.

Bluebeard: It must've been a can opener.

Francis: Pardon? Can opener? I'm sorry, you lost me.

Bluebeard: It must've been a freaking can opener. Ain't it obvious? He gave our poor little Sasha an extra ventilation hole in the throat.

Francis: Oh, you mean a man! Did you witness it?

Bluebeard: Hell no; but only man are brutal enough to do a thing like this. Lousy can openers, whose only useful function is opening our dinner cans! And he's the fourth in the last month.

Francis: Do you mean it's the fourth dead body?

Bluebeard: I guess you're new on the block. Taking over that shitheap in there? Interesting, please. I go in there for a piss occasionally. Hehehe.

Francis: I don't think a can opener did it. This brother's throat has been shredded, not cut.

Bluebeard: Hey, little smartass. What do they call you?

Francis: Francis.

Bluebeard: Francis.

---

[Bluebeard arrives at Francis' house to inform him about Deep Purple]

Francis: Did you come back here to take a leak? Forget it! You don't piss in here anymore! I live here now and I have my standards! Another killing?

Bluebeard: How the hell did you--? Yeah, there's been another one.

Francis: Let me guess. This latest victim's also a tom, just like the other 4 stiffs.

Bluebeard: Smartass. How the hell did you know that?

Francis: A guess, but an educated one.

Bluebeard: Anyway this time it's tight-assed Deep Purple that's taken out his last rat. His throat looks exactly though someone decided to test an ice pick to see if it works.

Francis: One question, was he castrated?

Bluebeard: Purple had his jewels intact, but, he couldn't get it up anymore.

---

Felicity: You're new in the neighborhood, aren't you?

Francis: Yes, that's right. The name's Francis.

Felicity: Friend or foe?

Francis: Friend. A friend forever.

Felicity: A friend who fell suddenly out of the sky

Francis: Well, not exactly. Only through the skylight, not through the sky. I was escaping from lunatics from the Claudandus sect. They objected to me watching their ceremony.

Felicity: That sounds typical of them. Has it gotten light outside yet?

Francis: Yes, but surely you can see that for your-- [noticing Felicity's eyes] Oh, you're blind.

Felicity: I'm not blind.

Francis: Then what...?

Felicity: I just can't see.

Francis: Do you ever go out?

Felicity: No. Though not a day goes by, not one day that I haven't wished I could see this world, evil and cruel though it is.

Francis: [places his paw on Felicity's] I'm... I'm sorry.

Felicity: Why? There are much worse things, Francis. We can get used to anything, except to live in a dog kennel possibly. [they both laugh]

Francis: But, listen; have you always... I-- I mean...?

Felicity: Been blind?

Francis: Hmm.

Felicity: Yes, from birth. But, you know what? I see pictures. Pictures in my mind.

Francis: What kind of pictures?

Felicity: I see these people grouped around me, and they're so big, tall and somehow bright. One of them bends over me, he smiles and then he has something that glistens in his hand, then terrible pain, and I fall asleep.

Francis: I don't think you were blind from birth. I'd say some human has done something terrible to you.

Felicity: But that can't be. The human race is the kindest there is. Who else would give a useless thing like me a home?

---

Pascal: [types the word "FELIDAE" on the computer] Do you know the meaning of this word, Felidae?

Francis: Could it be a scientific name for all our family divisions, "cats" as they're usually called?

Pascal: Felidae. Evolution has created an astounding number of various creatures. Not one however deserves the respected wonder the genus Felidae has earned. [shows on the computer a list]

Francis: Wow! What did you combine on this list.

Pascal: Those of us who live in the neighborhood, name, age, gender, breed, marking. I almost forgot, I need to enter you now as well.

Francis: Incredible!

Pascal: Yes it is. Even better if it can help us solve a murder.

Francis: Did you know that all of the dead brothers--?

Pascal: Yes! They were all on the prowl after some female in heat.

Francis: I... I have an idea. Find out what breed they were. That may lead us to a new tie-up.

Pascal: Simple enough. [shows on the computer the murdered cats' type of race]

Pascal: Well, none of them were particularly aristocratic examples of Felidae.

Francis: But all the same race, so they weren't just excited and male. They were all European Shorthairs.

---

Francis: [spotting a dead cat with her stomach and throat ripped out] Oh my God...

Kong: Looks like he's run out of steam suddenly. That's what happens to you when you eat too much junk food.

Francis: Yeah, I'm out of breath. And it looks like I'm not the only one. [indicating the dead cat]

Kong: What bullshit you talking now? [gasps] Solitaire! Oh Solitaire! What have they done to you? What the hell has that evil bastard done?! My lovely, lovely Solitaire! [cries]

Francis: Who was she?

Herman 1: Solitaire was the boss' favorite girl, and chances are those are his family you can see as well. [pointing out the dead kitten fetuses]

Kong: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna hamburger him! I'll tear his balls off and stuff them down his throat! What kind of heartless bastard would do this?! Who?! Who?! Tell me! [to Francis] Was it you? No, you didn't have the time. Well then who did it? Who was it?!

---

Bluebeard: Gotta watch your tail a little more carefully, or you'll get hurt.

Francis: What do you mean?

Bluebeard: Think about it. The killer ain't gonna be pleased with you on his trail and might try to do something about you.

Francis: Yeah, and Pascal as well. He knows more than me.

Bluebeard: Don't worry about Pascal. If what you found out about the murders is right, he just kills the brothers who got balls. Good ol' Pascal had them cut off years ago. And besides, he isn't gonna be around that much longer.

Francis: Why's that?

Bluebeard: He's got stomach cancer. They've given him six months. It's only recently the news got around the neighborhood.

---

Pascal: My friends. I want to thank you for responding so quickly to our invitation.

Kong: You'd better be sure this is worth our while, because if it's not, then you and cutie pie there are going to pay for making me miss my favorite TV show!

[Everyone laughs]

Francis: Kong, you stupid pea-brain idiot!

Kong: Huh?

Francis: Listen, don't you want to catch the crazy killer who murdered Solitaire, who you're pretending you loved?!

Kong: Don't worry. I'll catch up with him eventually! And when I do--!

Francis: You fool! You won't catch up with anyone! You really think the murderer will knock at your door someday and beg your forgiveness, you moronic imbecile?!

Kong: Alright, wise guy. I was only joking anyway.

Francis: Crack all the jokes you like! The trouble is the killer doesn't have your kind of humor in him!

Pascal: Francis and I have analyzed the computer's data. We could say with a degree of certainty, that the murderer is responsible, not for the death of 7, but 450 brothers and sisters. These murders-- These murders are most probably connected with the events which occurs in the laboratory of the criminal, Preterius, some time ago. Experiments, some of you here, were subjected to though you may not remember it now.

---

Pascal: Oh dear, Francis. You live through your ordinary little day and fall asleep to dream about your ordinary, carefree little dreams through the course of the peaceful, undisturbed night. But then, I brought nightmares to your mind. Do you deny it? The world is hell, Francis. And the crowning glory of hatefulness in this world is man. And the joke, my friend, is that we're now no different to him.

Francis: You've become like him, Pascal! You think like man, you act like man! And so, tell me, what's the role assigned to lesser animals in your world?!

Pascal: None at all. They're stupid. They're victims to their fate.

Francis: And what about the good men?! Pascal or Claudandus or Felidae or whatever you want to call yourself?!

Pascal: NO, NO! THERE AREN'T ANY GOOD MEN! THEY'RE ALL BAD! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! Animals are good creatures. But men are evil animals.

Francis: I'll fight you with all my might, all my strength! I'll start by erasing this unholy program listing your murders! You had it.

Pascal: You can't begin to imagine how deeply I regret this, Francis.

[Soon, the entire Felidae program is erased forever. Francis suddenly hears a screech of defiance and spins around just in time to see Pascal leaping at him, claws out and aimed for him. Francis yowls in shock and draws himself back at the last minute, causing Pascal to smash into the computer. The impact slides the monitor over to the edge and it topples over onto the floor, the screen bursting open upon impact and causing the curtains to catch fire. Francis glares and growls at Pascal, hissing and arching his back. Pascal hisses back and attacks Francis. The fight is on. Francis and Pascal become a scrambling mess of black, white and brown. Claws scratch, teeth bite, and hisses, growls and yowls sound, overlapping one another. Francis scratches down across his opponent's left eyes, causing him to yowl and freeze momentarily. They both jump to the ground and begin fighting again. Behind them, the fire grows larger, beginning to engulf the entire room. Pascal pins Francis for a moment, but he is soon pushed off and the two cats exchange hateful stares before each let out their own hiss. They charge and continue fighting at the fire rages on. Soon, the struggle has the two cats worn out and exhausted, but Pascal does not let it deter him as he lets out a hiss. He suddenly leaps for Francis, arms and claws stretched out, accompanied by a long, drawn-out screech. Francis copies the action as he raises his paw... and slides it across Pascal's chest and stomach as his claws slice him open in mid-air. Pascal falls to the ground, his organs falling out and his ribcage exposed]

Pascal: [last words before his death] The horror... so much pain... darkness... Francis... so much darkness... look at me now, and all you see, Francis, is evil. Yet once I was good...

[Pascal's eyes roll to the back of his head, and with a pained sigh, he lays still. Pascal is no more]

Voice cast

• Ulrich Tukur as Francis.
• Mario Adorf as Bluebeard.
• Klaus Maria Brandauer as Pascal/Claudandus.
• Helge Schneider as Jesaja.
• Wolfgang Hess as Kong.
• Gerhard Garbers as Professor Julius Preterius.
• Ulrich Wildgruber as Joker.
• Mona Seefried as Felicity.
• Manfred Steffen as Gustav.
• Uwe Ochsenknecht as Archie.
• Michaela Amler as Nhozemphtekh.
• Christian Schneller as Gregor Mendel.
• Tobias Lelle and Frank Röth as the Herman Brothers.
• Alexandra Mink as Pepeline