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Fort Tilden

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Fort Tilden is a 2015 American independent black comedy drama film about the frequent sidetrackings two young women experience in journeying to to Fort Tilden to meet some friends for career prospects.

Directed and written by Sarah-Violet Bliss and Charles Rogers.
It shouldn't be this hard to get to the beach(taglines)

Harper

[edit]
  • I can't wait to do a cartwheel in the sand.

Allie

[edit]
  • I really think that path from before might have been the right path

Ending credits

[edit]
  • No kittens were harmed during the making of this film. They enjoyed their time with us.

Dialogue

[edit]
[Allie and Harper are attending a performance of Naomi and Phoebe Tylers]
Naomi: Thanks you guys, we should walk over a bridge or something.
Man 1: You guys are so money.
Man 2: You know, what I loved was when it like the orchestra.
Allie: Hey.
Naomi and Phoebe: [Allie and Harper walk up to them] Hey, oh my god!
Man 1: Oh!
Claire: Was it too long?
Allie: No, we have watched you guys tonight.
Phoebe: Oh, my gosh, you guys.
Claire: Cool, cool.
Phoebe: Thank you so much for coming, we are so happy you are here.
Harper: We could tell you spent a lot of time on it, it was so great.
Claire: Thank you. We did. Harper, I love that I can invite you and then Allie's gonna come too.
Naomi: Yeah. You guys are more-twin like than us.
Allie: Aw, cute.
Harper: And not true.
Naomi: We would be enemies if we didn't have to be best friends.
Phoebe: Oh, I love this girl but I would kill her.
Naomi: Ah!
Phoebe: So, Harper, what have you been working on?
Harper: Oh my gosh, a lot of stuff going on right now. Kind of crazy, yeah.
Phoebe: But you have to keep us posted on when your going to have your work shown...
Naomi: Yeah.
Phoebe: ...'cause I'm dying to see it.
Naomi: Yeah, just go for it, girl.
Harper: "Just go for it". Thanks. And if you guys want any feedback on what you're working on you know, you could always, yeah.
Naomi: That would be awesome.
Phoebe: Thank you so much for coming! I'm so happy to see you. I love it! [A girl arrives]
Girl: Cut me loose from these invisible chains! Oh, my god!
Naomi: Oh!
Phoebe: Yay!
[They immediately start fawning over each other, disregarding Allie and Harper who walk away]
Harper: Oh hey, let's go say hi to these guys first. They could be not terrible.
Allie: I kinda just wanna go to bed.
Harper: So go to bed.
Russ: So, it's like, one, two, three, four, five, six. [Harper walk over]
Harper: It's almost September, can you believe it?
Russ: Yeah, I know, we fucked up summer.
Harper: Oh, we fucked up summer.
Allie: We fucked it up, too.
Russ: We haven't been to the beach at all. We're heading out to Fort Tilden tomorrow.
Harper: Oh, that's so great. Fort Tilden is so awesome in that post-apocalyptic way.
Sam: You can just drink there without anyone bothering you
Harper: We're coming with you.
Russ: Uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, if you can make it.
Sam: Yeah, it's cool.
Russ: Come check it out.
Allie: I wish, I have to meet my placement officer tomorrow. Actually, I'm kind of dreading it. Ugh!
Russ: Your what?
Allie: I'm joining the Peace Corps
Harper: She's leaving Williamsburg to go to the worst place possible in the world.
Allie: It's not the worst place in the world. It's just Liberia
Russ: Oh no, Liberia is the worst place in the world. They sell human flesh in the streets there, it's like a goddamned horror show.
Allie: I don't think that's true.
Russ: No, it's so true. I mean like, I have seen videos of it, you know... but that's not the point. The point is you should definitely come to the beach with us tomorrow cause, you know, you want one day of happiness before you spend the rest of your life just like, shitting up, like, malaria blood.
Allie: Well, at least it's not like, waiting tables, right? [Laughs]
Russ: You wait tables?
Allie: No, I don't and I did, and never again. But anyways, I am so excited to be getting out of New York, I am so done and I am so ready.
Russ: I hear that, I mean, come on, this isn't the only place there is, I cannot wait to get out of here.
Allie: Oh, my god, you and me, we're getting too big for this this city right.
Russ: Right. Leave the bagels and the rats for these two suckers.
Harper: Well, I am definitely going to the beach tomorrow. [Hands her phone to Ash] Plug in your number.
Allie: I guess I may as well be in touch too, like, just in case. [Hands out her phone]
Russ: Yeah, definitely, definitely.
Allie: I mean, I could totally come, I could just reschedule. That wouldn't be so bad, right?
Russ: Yeah, reschedule. Take the day off. Why not?
Harper: You know what would make it even better? If I brought some molly.
Allie: Oh...
Russ: Wait. You can get molly?
Harper: Yeah, I'm an artist.
Russ: I'd actually... I'd be really into that.
Sam: Yeah, sure, definitely.
Harper: I feel like you guys have never done molly before. Have you never done molly before?
Russ: Uh, no, never.
Sam: I just... I like, we can never find when they do.
Harper: Well, I've never met anyone who's done it, who hasn't loved it.
Allie: It's very sensual. So you should be prepared for that.
Woman: Hey! Excuse me! No! I can hear that shit from the second floor! Okay?!
Naomi: Oh...
Woman: Yeah. There's way too much noise going on right now. Oh... like WAY TOO MUCH noise. Yeah.
Naomi: Okay, I'm sorry.
Woman: Other people have lives, you know. I'm sorry. Yeah, like, I have a huge day tomorrow. I have to get LASIK in the morning and the I have an audition to be the crowd warmer for the The View.
Naomi: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. So... thank you so much for letting us know.
Woman: Yeah. You're welcome.
Naomi: Yeah.
Woman: This is not the night.
Naomi: Thank you for telling us.
Woman: Okay?
Naomi: All right.
Woman: This is not the night!
Naomi: Okay. I'm so sorry.
Woman: Thank you!
Naomi: I love... I love your night gown.
Woman: Okay, thanks.
Phoebe: Oh!
Naomi: Oh, my God. Thank you. Okay. I'm so sorry, you guys. Um... Let's head back downstairs to the apartment... so sorry... and maybe Naomi and I will do some...
Naomi and Phoebe: Freestyling!
Naomi: Oh, my God. Isn't it fun?
Leia: Yeah.
Harper: Do you guys live around here? You wanna share a cab?
Russ: I mean, we're on the Upper West Side. Yeah.
Harper: Oh, wow. Okay. Oh. Um, well, we'll see you tomorrow, then. [Shakes their hands with Allie] Cool?
Allie: Cool.
Russ: Yeah. Definitely cool. Definitely, it's cool. Yeah. See you tomorrow. Okay.
Sam: See you later. Get home safely.
Harper: 300 hundred years ago, there were identical twins who forced their friends to an evening of terrible music that was instantly forgotten. They drowned in their own reflections and are not remembered today.
Allie: Hey, how are we getting molly?
Harper: Benji will have it.
Allie: Ugh! Great.
Harper: This is so good 'cause I need to fuck someone other than Benji.
Allie: I like how Russ is so easy to entertain. He's, like, totally sweet and down to laugh.
Harper: That's 'cause he's not trying to impress anyone.
Allie: I'm just, like, a little afraid of my placement officer. She's a little bit, too real.
Harper: Then don't come.
Allie: No, I wanna come.
Harper: No, it's fine. You're counting on the Peace Corps to make all your memories for you, so why should you be alive right now? We deserve a day off.
[Allie wakes up and calls Cabiria]
Cabiria: Who is this?
Allie: Oh, um... hi, Cabiria, this is Allie Donahue. I'm the girl going to Liberia. We're supposed to have a meeting today. Yeah, um... I- I was gonna leave you a message, but I'm glad that you're up. Um, I'm feeling terrible.
Cabiria: You're not calling in sick, are you?
Allie: Uh, unfortunately, I am. I know it's terrible inconvenient.
Cabiria: There's no time to reschedule. I'm here fore 36 hours and we have a lot to go over.
Allie: Okay, um... okay, well. I just... I don't... I really don't wanna get you sick.
Cabiria: I don't get sick. Can you be by a computer? We need to keep moving forward.
Allie: Sure, absolutely. Yeah, I'll- I'll be home. Sick, so...
Cabiria: Get your documents together and call me back.
Allie: Okay. Um, can you tell me which documents?
Cabiria: All of them.
Allie: Of course. Yeah. All of them. Um, okay. Uh, thank you so much, Cabiria. I really, really appreciate all of your- [Cabiria hangs up] Oh. Okay. Oh, my God. Documents. [Walks to Harper's room and opens door knocking]
Harper: What are you doing?
Allie: We're going to the beach!
Harper: What time is it?
Allie: It's beach time!
Harper: It's not even day yet
Allie: That's the sun. Oh, come on, Harper. I took the day off, we said we'd get up early.
Harper: Yeah, like 10!
Allie: Okay, I'll look up the ferry, but you need to get up. [Browsing laptop] Really?! [Grunts in frustration, closes laptop and returns to Harper's room] Harper, there's no ferries and there's nobody passing out fliers for The Rockaways for the weekdays. It's kind of a lot to figure out.
Harper: Let's bike.
Allie: Oh. That actually sounds really nice. We could see the birds of Brooklyn that we've never seen before. That's a really good idea. Let's do it. [Returns to room] Harper, Lucy's here to see the apartment.
Harper: Oh shit! Hey. Sorry. [Walking through apartment] So, yeah. It's a really big closet.
Lucy: The last apartment I was in, I just, like, basically put everything in a box.
Harper: Oh, God. That's the worst.
Lucy: So, like, everything is wrinkled. I just wore the same thing every day.
Harper: And you don't know like, where anything is... when anything is!
Lucy: Oh, my God. It's like I'm always shopping 'cause I can't like find anything.
Harper: Right.
Lucy: So I just assume I've lost it. This is so cute.
Harper: I like, you know, cooking. So...
Lucy: Me too. I cook all the time.
Harper: You do? Oh, that's awesome.
Lucy: Oh, we could totally cook together. That's so fun.
Harper: Yeah. Collaboration.
Lucy: Yeah. I love your design. It's just like...
Harper: Oh, thank you.
Lucy: So smart and simple.
Harper: Oh, thanks. Yeah. Like, I try to do, like, chic and you know... shabby-chic sorts thing. I guess.
Lucy: Absolutely. You do it really well. It's like nothing I've seen before.
Harper: Right, I don't own, like, magazines.
Lucy: Wow! You made this!
Harper: Yeah. It's really... it's nothing. It's just...
Lucy: No, it's beautiful. No.
Harper: Honestly, it's not even right, so...
Lucy: I love the colors.
Harper: Do you wanna see your room?
Lucy: Oh, uh, do you mind?
Allie: Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. Sorry, it might be kinda messy.
Lucy: That's cool.
Harper: Right this way.
Lucy: Let's go. This is so cute.
Harper: So, her room's a little smaller than mine, but...
Lucy: Oh, that's fine, I'm sure. Oh, look at this nice carpet. No shoes. [Gasps]
Harper: Yeah.
Lucy: Oh, my gosh! It's like a treehouse! I'm a bird in her nest.
Harper: Allie?
Allie: Yeah?
Harper: Are we gonna wear our bathing suits there?
Allie: I am.
Harper: I don't think you can change there.
Allie: Um, that girl seems really hard to live with.
Harper: Oh, when did you get coffees?
Allie: It's like, I didn't believe her personality choice.
Harper: Mmm. It's really watery.
Allie: I got bagels too.
Harper: You know what? I don't think we should eat. You know what I mean?
Allie: Yeah.
Harper: Yeah.
Allie: I guess it could be good if we roll up with our morning tummies.
Harper: You know what the best part of this day is? It's gonna be so cheap and I'm so broke right now. My dad's gonna be so proud of me right now.
Allie: Oh, my God. Don't even talk about that. That's so stressful.
Harper: We're not eating all day, we're riding our bikes everywhere. There's nothing to buy, the beaches are free.
Allie: The beaches are free?
Harper: They have to be. Also, I don't have a bike.
Allie: Wait, I thought that bike under the stairs was yours.
Harper: Oh! No. That's not mine. I don't have one.
Allie: [Sighs] Do you know anyone who has a bike?
Harper: Well, probably. [Chuckles]
[Allie knocks on Ebb's apartment door and he appears]
Ebb: Who is it?
Allie: It's Allie, from downstairs.
Ebb: [Opens door] Allie
Allie: Hey Ebb.
Ebb: Hey Allie, hey.
Allie: What are you up to?
Ebb: [To dogs] Whoa, whoa, whoa, Carmen! [Shushes] Carmen, no! [Carmen snarls]
Allie: Hey. Man, it smells so good in there. What are you cooking?
Ebb: Nothing.
Allie: Um, so, so, what's good, what are you up to?
Ebb: Well, Brownie has an infection, center of Carmen's jealous attention, and then just alot of family drama. My nana's medical bills are getting pretty out of control, my sister says. She's getting sick of it. She's can do everything she can do with it. Then we've, we've been fighting alot over that and I just want to keep it out of court.
Allie: It's so hot outside.
Ebb: Right, stroke weather.
Allie: You know, yeah.
Ebb: If your brains gonna gonna pop, it's today.
Allie: Yes, crazy. So, Harper and I, are going to go to Fort Tilden today. [Holds up a fist in gesture]
Ebb: Uh, oh... [laughs] okay, [Allie giggles] uh, where is that? What is that?
Allie: Oh, it's a beach.
Ebb: Alright.
Allie: Yeah.
Ebb: That sounds great.
Allie: Yeah, I mean... So what else are you gonna do on a super-hot day like this?
Ebb: Yeah, yeah, yeah. well, um, I could probably leave Brownie alone for a couple hours, before he needs a swab.
Allie: Oh. Oh, no. Sorry. No, I....
Ebb: Friends would swap...
Allie: I actually, was just wondering if I could borrow your bike? I didn't... I wanna, you know, make you change your whole day around, and obviously you've got a lot going on.
Ebb: Sure. Yeah, sure. Cool.
Allie: So, I'm just gonna come in and get it. Is that... is that okay?
Ebb: Okay. Yeah.
Allie: Um, cool. Just... [Allie awkwardly slides past Ebb going in apartment and dogs start yelping] Oh, God. Brownie.
Ebb: Watch out for them.
Allie: Carmen?
Ebb: No, it's alright.
Allie: They're very cute. Thank you.
Ebb: They're probably afraid yet they're scared of young girls and bags.
Allie: Oh.
Ebb: They're both rescues from Yonkers. Pretty sure some young girls put him in a bag and threw him out of a car window.
Allie: Oh, no.
Ebb: You know I have been thinking about, I th- I thought about you the other day.
Allie: Oh yeah?
Ebb: Then again yesterday.
Allie: Oh.
Ebb: 'Cause um, you know my Nana needs both kidneys replaced in Baltimore and do you get this prescription regimen when you have pills but then the one pill just fixes what the other pill does
Allie: [Allie leaves apartment carrying bike] Oh, yeah. Thank you so much Ebb.
Ebb: Then you end up with...
Allie: I'll see you. I'll see you in a couple of hours.
Ebb: Yeah, um, my tires, the tires might need some air.
Allie: Okay, let's get. Not a problem. Thanks Ebb!
Ebb: Can I have my blender back?
Allie: I brought it back, didn't I?
Ebb: No, it's been weighing on me.
Allie: [Enters her apartment with bicycle] Ugh!
Harper: What?
Allie: Nothing. Everything's just a little; "ugh" right now. Are you ready?
Harper: Where did that bike come from?
Allie: It's Ebb's.
Harper: Oh, my God. No. No. I'm sorry. No. There is no way in hell I am putting my vagina against that bike seat. Jesus Christ!
Allie: [Sighs] Okay. It's fine. I'll ride it. You take my bike.
Harper: Could you imagine having sex with him? And him coming inside of you with all that terrible DNA? His cum probably smells like vinegar. And has an orange tint like a fucking Cadbury fucking egg.
Allie: I told you I would ride it!
Harper: God, fucking him would be like being trapped under a cold sack of mashed potatoes. You'd have to wash your vagina for months with bleach.
Allie: Oh, my God. My vagina's going on that seat. Please stop talking about it!
Harper: No. Oh, my God, no. You'd have to kill yourself. Fuck! That's disgusting! I'm gonna be sick! I'm gonna be sick! [Walks past Allie]
[Allie and Harper are standing at the side of a busy arterial throughfare with their bikes]
Allie: Wait, what are we supposed to do here?
Harper: I don't know. Should we go with the traffic or should we like...?
Allie: Are we supposed to...
Harper: Is this street for us or the pedestrians?
Allie: Maybe we should go.
Harper: I don't know.
Allie: Should I go? This is like a regular residential street but this is like a highway.
Harper: Why are we like, trapped in here?
Allie: Okay, yeah, go now. Go. Now, now, now.
Harper: Go now?
Allie: Go.
Harper: The people are turning here.
Allie: Go! [Motorists honks] Sorry!
[Allie and Harper are cycling down a one-way residential street with parked vehicles facing opposite direction of their riding]
Harper: This is the best street in all of Brooklyn.
Allie: [Admiring the houses] Oh my god, this is gorgeous, oh, Brooklyn.
Harper: This is so good. Fresh air, fresh ideas.
Allie: I hate to admit it but I'm kind of crushing on Russ right now.
Harper: Uh-uh.
Allie: And it's like making me nervious, like I felt something last night and why does life always do this to me, you know?
Harper: Well, that's your fault.
Allie: I know, I know, I know! I just feel more giddy than I have since middle school
Harper: So don't go to Africa.
Allie: Maybe I should.
Man: Watch out!
[Allie's bike bumps hard into a stroller but it merely turns on its wheels]
Allie: Oh! [Repeatedly] Oh, my God!
Man 1: Oh, Jesus!
Mother: Oh, my God! Are you okay?!
Man 1: Oh, my God.
Mother: My baby... it's okay.
Allie: Oh, my God! Is he okay?!
Man 1: I saw that coming. That was terrible.
Mother: Thank you, thank you so much! Thank you!
Man 1: That was terrible.
Allie: I am so sorry. Oh. my God! Is he okay?!
Mother: I don't know if he's okay, okay?!
Harper: He's fine! Okay? The baby's fine!
Mother: You don't know if he's fine, miss hat, okay? So let's watch it with the conclusions.
Man 1: Is there someone I can call? The pediatrician?
Allie: I don't know anything about babies.
Mother: Yes, his pediatrician. Dr. Mark Miles. Okay.
Allie: I'm so sorry. I can't believe.
Man 2: You know, your not allowed to bike down the wrong way of a street. That's the reason that law exists.
Allie: I'm sorry. I'm not used to riding in this area. I shouldn't have been.
Man 2: Were you looking in front of you or were you just in your own dreamworld?
Allie: I- I might have been in my own dreamworld, I don't know.
Man 2: We should be exchanging personal information.
Mother: I don't know why that's not happening! Get their information please!
Harper: What is your problem, dude? Chill out!
Man 2: I am chill.
Black man: [Recording with phone] I am relaxed. I'm about to go to sleep.
Man 2: I'm not riding my bike all over the street like the Incredible Hulk.
Mother: Oh, my God. There's a bump. And I don't know if it was here before.
Harper: The baby's always had that bump! This is a nightmare!
Man 1: Can I help? I got the police on the phone here. They'll be here in just a second.
Harper: No, that's really not necessary, okay? She barely just grazed that thing. Are you kidding me?
Man 3: You just hit a child! Okay? Just be quiet, please. Thank you.
Harper: You need to- this is crazy, ok?!
Man 2: I'm crazy?!
Harper: We're leaving, Allie, we're leaving.
[Allie and Harper start mounting their bikes and riding away]
Mother: Did you get- did you get their information?! Did you get their information?!
Man 2: Oh, my God. You're fleeing the scene?! You're leaving?!
Mother: Can you take a video? Let's take a video of them.
Man 2: Let's videotape it!
Mother: Videotape it!
Allie: [Repeatedly] I'm sorry!
Black man: They're leaving a crime scene!
Man 2: That's a felony!
Mother: They're getting away! They're both wearing rompers! One is floral and the other one has a suspiciously hip hat!
Man 2: Wow! Wow!
Man 3: The criminal mind always sets its own traps!
Man 1: The millennials are fucked!
Allie: Oh, my God. That was so intense. I'm still shaking.
Harper: You know, I'm not going to be there for you when you're in Liberia.
Allie: Wait, where you going? It's this way.
Harper: We have to stop by the park and see Benji.
Allie: Maybe we can just skip the molly. I don't think I can handle that right now.
Harper: Then don't do it.
Allie: Is his harem of bitches gonna be there?
Harper: Probably. They spend every second of their lives trying to fuck him.
...
Ashley: [To Benji looking at phone] Benji, I feel like you've been on that same page for like... like four hours.
Grant: Are we distracting you, Benji?
Benji: I'm dissecting the sentences. I'm sort of figuring out the way it works.
Ashley: No, I get it. It's full broth, I get it. Do you want bug spray?
Grant: No, no, no, no. That- that literally smells like a cunt. [Grant laughs]
Ashley: That's so funny. I was thinking about how I used to eat out women. And how at the time, it seemed like such a good idea, but...
John: How's this, Benji?
Ashley: ... in retrospect, it's like, why did I ever actually do that?
John: Absolutely.
Harper: 'Sup.
Ashley: Oh my god, hi cutie! Hey.
Harper: Hi little baby boy!
Ashley: How are you, Harpy?
Harper: I'm good. How are you? Love your red socks. Are those to make your legs look longer?
Ashley: Yeah, they're just slimming, like your romper.
Harper: Oh, right.
Ashley: Your romper's slimming. It's funnny that you're here, I had a dream that you died.
Harper: Oh my god, how's your family? Are they still bankrupt or is that...
Ashley: Yeah
Benji: What?
Ashley: Don't... you're gonna like, go over talk to her privately. [Benji walks along with Harper] [To Allie] Hey, how are you, I'm Ashley.
Allie: Hi, we've met.
Grant: I'm Grant.
Allie: Actually, we've all met.
John: When?
Benji: So, what have you girls got going on today?
Harper: Going to the beach.
Benji: Oh nice! You sure you can afford to take a day off from... from doing from nothing?
Harper: Fuck you, "doing nothing".
Grant: So, what's your story like, what are you into?
Allie: I um, you know, I... we... I took the day off. I uh...
Grant: But like what's your deal?
Allie: Um, I'm going to the Peace Corps really soon.
Ashley: Whoa, where?
Allie: Yeah.
Man: Where you going?
Allie: I am going to Liberia.
John: [With highly effeminate gestures] Mmm! No!
Allie: No?
John: Mmm-mmm.
Allie: Like, I should...
John: Just do not.
Allie: Don't go?
John: Do not go.
Ashley: Like, maybe somewhere else.
Grant: My sister went to Portugal.
John: Go to Portugal.
Ashley: Yeah, Portugal!
Grant: It's stunning.
Allie: That sounds really awesome, but I actually, don't get to choose where I go. They assigned me.
John: So Port...
Allie: So Liberia. I'll have to go to Liberia, yeah.
Benji: So, are you finally excited to get rid of that dead weight?
Harper: She's not going anywhere. She'll drop out the day before as usual.
Benji: Yeah, that's true, you girls are pretty expert at exit strategies.
Harper: Fuck you. No, I'm not. She's the one that's like that.
Benji: What is with this hat?
Harper: Do you like it?
Benji: Not really, are you like hat person now? You're becoming half a person on me?
Harper: Does that mean a person that wears hats?
Benji: Yeah, are you that person?
Harper: Today.
Benji: Okay.
Ashley: Like, it's just so funny to think about, like, like, did you go because of the warfare, did you go because of the poverty, or are you going because of something that happened to you like, in the back of your mind, you know, it's just...
Grant: Are you going to help people or to make it like you're helping people if that makes any sense.
Allie: Yeah, that's a... that's a fair question. I intend to help people that's my... you know, I want to help, I want to...
Grant: And then conveniently upload it to Facebook.
Allie: Well, you know, that's... that's some people. That won't be me, though. You know, I don't...
Ashley: Did you fuck Benji?
Allie: No.
Harper: So, why haven't I gotten a dick pic lately?
Benji: Oh! Interesting! I tho- ah, I was under the impression that you wanted off that mailing list.
Harper: How else am I gonna go to sleep at night
Benji: I don't know, can your Dad phone fuck goes to sleep?
Harper: That's disgusting.
Benji: Build a little treehouse so your mom can't see you licking his asshole?
Harper: No. I've never had a treehouse.
Benji: I know. Because your Dad doesn't love you.
...
Ashley: Do you have, like, a different type or something?
Allie: I'm sorry. Is he your boyfriend?
John: No, he's not.
Ashley: Well, okay. You don't have to say it like that. Like it's not so black and white.
John: You're not dating Ben-... You're not dating Benji.
Ashley: That's your perspective.
Harper: I want four pills.
Benji: No, you should really only take one of these.
Harper: Yeah. There are four people, so it's one per person.
Benji: You two and who else?
Harper: You don't know 'em.
Benji: Are you really trying to get me to give you molly so you can con some fucking assholes into sleeping with you?
Harper: No, all I'm asking for is four pills.
Benji: Okay, fine. I will give these to you, but you have to come somewhere with me on the 31st.
Harper: Where?
Benji: I don't know yet.
John: Ben, Harper?
Benji: What?
John: It's getting buggy.
Allie: Yeah, Harper. It's really time to go.
Harper: All right, let's go. Bye, you guys.
Ashley: Bye Harper. Be safe in Liberia.
Allie: Thank you!
John: Post!
Ashley: Post! Post on Facebook so we know.
Allie: Bye Ashley.
John: Portugal.
Allie: Portugal.
Ashley: She thinks you're, like, gonna fuck her again.
Allie: Thanks. It's Liberia.
Ashley: I knew that would happen.
Allie: It's too hot for this.
Harper: You just need caffeine.
Allie: God, I feel bad. Ahh! I'm scared.
Harper: This place.
Allie: Yeah. Coffee. Coffee, coffee. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, my God! I need coffee! I need it so badly! Okay, okay, okay. [Pulls out chain from backpack] Shit!
Harper: What?
Allie: I forgot the key.
Harper: That's okay. Just wrap it around a few times to make it look like it's locked.
Allie: But, it's kind of ghetto.
Harper: Get to used to it, Africa.
Allie: I'm not, like, afraid. I'm just saying.
Harper: I think I'm having an idea. I think I'm having a really, really good idea. Imagine, like, an entire exhibition of, like a dollhouse ghetto.
Allie: I like it! [Entering store] Hi.
Hispanic women clerk: Hello.
Allie: Hey. Can we get some iced coffees, please?
Hispanic women clerk: Two coffees?
Allie: Yes, but iced.
Hispanic women clerk: Two coffees.
Allie: Sorry. Iced, iced coffees.
Hispanic women clerk: With ice?
Allie: Yeah. Iced coffee.
Hispanic women clerk: Coffee with ice?
Harper: Yeah
Allie: Yeah.
[Women clerk speaks in Spanish to female colleague who pours the coffees, dropping in ice and hands it to Allie and Harper]
Harper: Thank you. It's perfect.
Allie: Thank you.
Harper: [Handing money] There you go. Thank you so much. That's for you. [Upon leaving the store, they dump their coffees in a trash can]
Allie: I'm gonna die.
Harper: I think we should just start rolling to help us get through with this.
Allie: No. No, no. Let's just go.
[Allie and Harper are cycling down a main street]
Harper: Ugh! I shouldn't have seen Benji! I can't get his dick pic out of my head now.
Allie: Ugh! Stop it!
Harper: No, Allie! It's the perfect dick.
Allie: Well, you know how I feel about him, so.
Harper: And his pheromones! His pheromones are like a buck deer. Like the buck deer that fights Bambi's dad.
Allie: I really like the way Russ smells. It's like his smell is somehow compatible with my smell.
Harper: Ugh! It's like a locker room!
Allie: Ew!
Harper: Oh, my God!
Allie: What?
Harper: That top! [She pulls aside]
Allie: No! Harper, no! It's just a bunch of cheap crap! Don't you want to go to the beach?! We'll just have to look past everything.
Harper: I am so inspired right now. I can't ignore that.
Allie: We've already wasted so much time, I just want to go the beach.
Harper: So go. [Goes in store with Allie sighing frustratedly, leans bike against tree and pretending to chain up her bike and going in after]
Harper: [Perusing through clothes rack] This is insane.
Allie: This is insane.
Harper: This is crazy.
Allie: Oh, my god! Where are we?!
Harper: This dress is four dollars!
Allie: This is cute! This is like thirtieth of a dress!
Harper: This has to be a trap.
Harper: Allie, isn't this dress awesome? Its like flowy, mother goddess.
Allie: Oh, my god! I love it!
Harper: And nature.
Allie: Harper, is this South-Western hipster or meth-head?
Harper: Both. But it's good.
Harper: Are these cute or tacky. I can know they're tacky but are they tacky-tacky or courageous tacky?
Allie: I think it depends on where you are and what you're doing.
Harper: Okay, block everything out and like, picture me in like a hotel lobby and I'm sitting there and texting and looking around.
Allie: I'm pretty sure they're cute.
[Allie and Harper are waiting in line to the cashier]
Allie: Ok, what do you think about this, are these coffee stains or is this like, the look?
Harper: Just get it, it's already in your hands.
Allie: [Peace Corps officer calls] Oh, my God...
Harper: What?
Allie: [Sighs] She's calling again. What do I tell her? I can't answer. [Sighs]
Harper: Just tell her your shopping. [An Asian boy has appeared infatuated with the bikes and two can see him through the door]
Allie: What is with him?
Harper: Nothing. He's fine. He's just looking.
Allie: I think he's stealing our bikes!
Harper: They look locked, it's fine.
Allie: Wha- [sighs] but, something's happening, like why is he touching them?
Harper: He's touching them.
Allie: Should we go out there?
Harper: I think we would know.
Black woman: He's stealing your bike. That boy is stealing your bike.
Harper: What do we do?
Black woman: You should stop him.
Harper: Oh, he's taking it! That is so messed up.
Black woman: I just watched you... watch that boy... steal your bike.
Harper: [Leaving store] I can't believe this!
Allie: Argh!
Harper: Should we get a cab?
Allie: I.. I guess. We should get a cab with a bike rack, but I'm... I'm so broke.
Harper: I know. I'm broke too, but... you know, maybe I should call my dad.
Allie: What?! Why?!
Harper: We need to get there! I know that!
Allie: We need a cab! We need a cab with a bike rack!
Harper: Allie! That's not a thing!
Allie: Maybe... how... you don't know! How do you know?!
Harper: Okay. We need to get a cab and get rid of Ebb's bike.
Allie: What do you mean?
Harper: No cab is gonna take us with a bike and that's the only way to get there.
Allie: Okay, so we'll... we'll pick up a lock somewhere around here and lock it up.
Harper: Allie, look where we are! We have to leave it!
Allie: No! I'm deeply not okay with that!
Harper: We'll pick it up on the way back!
Allie: Absolutely not! That boy is gonna take it! This is not how I treat other people's bikes!
Harper: You need to think about yourself first and other people’s bikes second!
Allie: [Sighs] Dang it!
Harper: Come on!
Allie: Oh, he's gonna be so mad!
Harper: [Walking with bike to trash disposal area] Yeah, this is like nature's hiding place.
Allie: This is so disrespectful!
Harper: Just, put it... yeah. [Hides bike behind trash cans and garbage bags]
Allie: Ugh!
Harper: All right. That's good! That's good! It's perfect! Its good! Come on! We'll come back for it!
Allie: Okay. [Walking down street] It's just karma. We've got messed up karma now.
Harper: Um, no. Ebb probably did something terrible and disgusting and this is karma's way of getting back at him.
Allie: Hmm, that's not how karma works.
Harper: Ugh! Oh, my God! What do you think he did?
Allie: [Trying to flag down cab] Ugh!
Harper: Isn't this, like, where cab drivers live?
Allie: Oh God! I need an iced coffe!
Harper: Not here! It's too hot for this!
Allie: What do we do?!
Harper: I don't know!
Allie: [Looking at phone] I'm looking up car services.
Harper: Daddy! Daddy! Allie and I are stuck in deep Brooklyn, our bikes were stolen and there are no cabs anywhere! And it's kinda sketchy!
Harper's father: Don't worry me like this, sweetheart.
Harper: We don't know what to do! Can you believe our bikes were stolen?!
Harper's father: Well, I'd have Linda send the car, but she's tied up in Moscow
Harper: Are you serious?!
Harper's father: You know, you're 25 years old now. I think you've gotta be on this now, angel.
Harper: Dad, that's not fair! This is an emergency!
Harper's father: I gotta go, but if you're still stranded in an hour, I'll figure something out, okay?
Harper: Okay, thanks. Love you.
Harper's father: Love you so much.
Harper: This is so fucked up!
Allie: Do you know who actually lives here?
Harper: You know someone who lives here?
Allie: You're going to hate this. Marin and Amanda.
Harper: No! No! Not those basic bitches!
Allie: I mean...
Harper: Marin is a raging asshole, okay? That girl can't stand me, and she thinks I'm threatened by it. They're just so fucking boring, they're like chapters in a book that's okay to skip. They're just fucking Minnie Mouse rats with makeup on.
Allie: They have a car.
Harper: Okay.
Allie: Yep, this way.
Amanda: [Pointing to plate of macaroons] So, this one's rose. This one's pistachio. This one's praline, although I always get praline mixed up with espresso. I ate all the orange blossoms.
Allie: Hmm, I'll have a rose. I wonder what that tastes like.
Amanda: It's actually not my favorite, but they're all so good, you can't go wrong.
Marin: Harper, you seem like a passion fruit kind of girl.
Harper: Why?
Marin: Because you're spontaneous.
Harper: That's okay.
Marin: Well, they're here in case you change your mind.
Harper: Thank you. I won't.
Amanda: Would you care for some tea?
Harper: Actually, we're dying for coffee.
Amanda: Oh. I'm sorry, this is a coffee-free house. But we have gingerbread man, apple cinnamon, um, camomile.
Harper: No, that's fine, thanks.
Amanda: It's so nice of you guys to visit. You almost missed us.
Marin: We have to go get butter before it gets dark.
Harper: Do you guys like living here? [Playing with a star on a stick]
Marin: Harper, could you leave things where things are, please? [Harper puts star on a stick back in bowl] Thank you.
Amanda: We teach a couple of blocks away. It's okay.
Allie: Oh, that's right! How's Teach for America going?
Marin: [Breathes and exhales deeply] It's hard. It's really hard. You can't reach those kids. They come from a system that's broken.
Amanda: The odds are against them.
Marin: It's an impossible environment for a teacher to work in. One student touched my breasts.
Allie: Wow. Yikes.
Amanda: Ricky's the hardest.
Marin: He's disturbed. It's not his fault.
Allie: Well, I think you guys just need to keep reminding yourselves that what you're doing is of great value.
Amanda: How's your work?
Allie: Oh, I'm ready for it to be done, I am. I, um, I've lost all my faith in startups. They're just as evil as hedge funds, yeah. Never again.
Marin: [Harper is leaning back in her chair] Harper, could you be careful in that chair? I think that's the broken one.
Harper: Okay, I just won't move at all.
Marin: Just be careful. Allie, I hear your going to Liberia soon.
Amanda: [Sighs] Oh, my god.
Allie: [Chuckles] Yeah, I'm really excited, yeah.
Marin: Yeah, your mom seems really concerned.
Harper: You talk to her mom?
Marin: Of course, Allie is my closest friend. So I think it's important to keep in touch with the whole family.
Harper: Can I use the bathroom?
Marin: It's the door on the right. And don't use so much toilet paper. The plumbing gets backed up. And no tampons. [To Allie] I'm really happy that you're joining the Peace Corps.
Amanda: Hmm.
Marin: I was really disappointed when you quit your TFA training.
Allie: Yeah, it just wasn't meant to be.
Marin: I know it can be intimidating, but I'm really glad that you found something that you can hold on to for now.
Allie: Thanks. So, um, Harper and I have had kind of a tough day.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Allie: It's okay now, but our bikes were stolen and we were on our way to the beach and we were wondering if we could maybe borrow the Honda
Marin: Oh, I don't know. Do you have insurance?
Allie: Of course!
Marin: I'd feel more comfortable if I came with.
Allie: Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that. I'm a super safe driver, you remember.
Marin: I wouldn't feel comfortable. [Man screams in distance]
Allie: Harper, Marin and Amanda are gonna drive us.
Harper: Drive us or come with us?
Allie: Yeah, They're gonna come with us! [Makes face of absolute displeasure] Yay!
Amanda: [Going out door] We're gonna have fun!
Allie: Yeah!
Marin: I can't swim.
[They discover that someone has smashed the windshield and Marin is curled up in a fetal position leaning against a wall crying]
Amanda: Why don't you just calm down? We'll go home. Take couple Xanax. Have a nice lie down. Okay?
Allie: Amanda, do you have a reliable cab company?
Amanda: Yeah.
Allie: Can I get their phone number?
Harper: [Walking down street] Three hundred years ago, there existed two girls named Marin and Amanda. They effected no change in their lifetime, and ate soap in the ghetto. They died at the age of 26 when they passed away taking a nap. Nobody remembers them today.
Allie: Hi, We need a cab to The Rockaways
Sumrat: Where you at?
Allie: Um, Flatbush, and some street renamed in some honor of a few fallen firefighters whose name I can't really pronounce. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Sumrat: Okay, five minutes.
Allie: Five minutes. Thank God. Thank God they didn't come with us.
Harper: Could you imagine what would have happened if they came with us? they would have cock-blocked us so hard with their salt water, brittle, scarecrow hair.
Allie: It's actually kind of upsetting that Marin has to go through that at her place of work.
Harper: Are they a couple?
Allie: No.
Harper: I don't understand why teachers get so fat their first year of teaching?
Allie: Oh, my God, she's not fat, you just can't get along with her.
Harper: I'm just saying she looks like a body pillow that's been left in body storage for a couple years.
Allie: Oh, my God. Why can't you just let her be?
Harper: Are you kidding me? There are so many things I could have said that I didn't because I'm a nice person.
Allie: Because you wanted the car. You're not a nice person.
Harper: Oh, okay. What the fuck does "LFTI" mean?
Allie: Laughing for... the.. I don't know. Why?
Harper: Russ said it.
Allie: Oh. That's cute.
Harper: Where's this cab, Allie? [Groans] This is taking forever.
Allie: [Receives a text message from her Peace Corps officer saying: "Why haven't I received your info. This must get done today"] Oh goddammit, fuck (x4)... I didn't think I'd realize this was going to be such a thing, goddammit, this woman, Cabiria, just, like won't stop texting me!
Harper: Complain about it and then don't go to Liberia.
Allie: What am I going to do? I guess when we get home, I'll just... I fucking say we don't have any service in our house. God damn it!
Harper: [On phone] Where the fuck are you?! We've waiting for a car for 30 minutes!
Allie: Fuck!
Sumrat: Five minutes.
Harper: [Screams frustratedly into phone] This is so horrible! It's not my- [Sumrat pulls up in a minivan]
Samrat: Get in, get in, get in! Come on! Where you going?
Allie: We're going to Fort Tilden in The Rockaways.
Samrat: Okay, great, let's go!
Harper: How much?
Samrat: Uh, 100! Get in!
Allie and Harper: What?!
Harper: No!
Allie: $100?! Seriously?!
Samrat: Yeah, because have you seen this ride?! It's an amazing ride! DVD players! Get in!
Harper: We didn't ask for, like, a luxury ride.
Samrat: Okay. Good. Get in. Okay, it sounds good.
Allie: It's like, two and a half miles away. $60.
Samrat: Yeah, no, $100! Come on! Come on! Let's go, let's go!
Harper: What?!
Samrat: Its, it's a $100 ride!
Harper: 80. 80!
Samrat: 80 plus 20! Get in!
Allie: Oh, my God.
Harper: Fuck.
Allie: I don't have $100.
Harper: I'm not paying for it!
Samrat: And, look, there is cup holders!
Harper: [Gets in] Fine, I'll pay for it.
Samrat: We have cup holders!
Allie: Okay, we'll pay $100 for cup holders.
Harper: Just get in! We need to go!
Samrat: Let's go, let's go.
Harper: Just so you know, you're a fucking asshole...
Samrat: Okay, great!
Harper: ...taking advantage of us like this.
Samrat: Okay, good!
Allie: Do you take checks?
Allie: I feel sick!
Harper: It's probably that paper rose macaroon.
Allie: I need coffee!
[Cab is going over a bridge]
Harper: There's no way we could've ridden our bikes across this bridge.
Allie: Okay.
Harper: Remember when Benji was running that house out here, like, three years ago.
Allie: Mmm-hmm.
Harper: That was like the best sex, I have ever had.
Allie: Mmm-hmm.
Harper: Oh, my God. I remember, he was really, like, covered in salt. He had been swimming.
Allie: Oh, God.
Harper: Tennis court. Parking lot. Fence. Cars. Fence. Bush. [Allie's phone chimes] Doors. Flowers. Park. Benches. Tree.
Allie: Harper... [Harper gives her a quizzical look]
Harper: Excuse me, do you have a problem or something?
Allie: No! I don't have a problem. I could just use some quiet, some silence until we get to the beach and I'll be fine, ok.
Harper: That's good. Don't confront anything. That's healthy.
Allie: I don't have anything to confront. My brain just needs, like, three quiet minutes.
Harper: [Clicks tongue] I'll time it. [Sighs]
Allie: It really hurt my feelings the other night when you when you got all offended when the twins were, said that, we were like twins.
Harper: Do you want to be a twin?
Allie: No! But... when you talk all that shit about Marin and Amanda, it makes me feel like you're saying those things about me. It makes me feel like you're embarrassed of me.
Harper: Well, I didn't intend to make you feel that way and it's not my fault that you took it there.
Allie: And that girl, that fucking girl, the subletter, you know she sucks, so I don't pretend like, she's your best friend after 30 seconds of meeting her.
Harper: You should really speak up when things are bothering you instead of holding them in all day.
Allie: [Gets text from Cabiria Peace Corps officer reading; "You're making me nervous"] I hate this Cabiria woman so much, like, what does this mean?
Harper: You wouldn't take it if you didn't want to.
Allie: Why would I want this?
Harper: Because it's all you know.
Allie: [Receives another text reading; "This is unacceptable"] Oh my god, I can't even look anymore. [Harper borrows the phone and texts; "Please respect that I am sick, this is harassment" and sends it.] What did you just do?!
Harper: This, is how you take control.
Allie: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Harper: You should be fucking thanking me.
Allie: Harper, you don't know anything about this process!
Harper: I know you're already letting her walk all over you.
Allie: You have to let these people do what they're going to do! You could have really just fucked this up for me just now.
Harper: I told you not to come to the beach.
Allie: God, Cabiria is my... [sighs] she's my... like, main contact there. I... sometimes you just have to take punches from people.
Harper: Oh, God, that is such a sad and unhealthy world view.
Allie: No! No! I do things, and I don't do things for a reason! I hate her, obviously, but she's my ally, and I have to be comfortable with that!
Harper: "Comfortable" You're going to be really comfortable in Africa. Sure.
Allie: She's going to cut me from the program.
Harper: No, she won't.
Allie: God. I just... can we just not talk?!
Harper: [To cab driver] What's your name?
Allie: What?
Harper: I'm not talking to you! Sir, what is your name?
Sumrat: Uh, it's Sumrat!
Harper: Nice to meet you Sumrat! Where you from?
Sumrat: India
Harper: What part?
Sumrat: Bengali
Harper: What part of Bengali?
Sumrat: Calcutta
Harper: I've been to Calcutta. Oh god, I love it there. I was so sad when Satyajit Ray died.
Sumrat: Uh... yeah... we all were.
Harper: Humara naam Harper (And I'm named Harper).
Sumrat: Okay, okay, that, that, good, good, good for you, yes.
Harper: I also spent a lot of time in Goa.
Sumrat: Oh really? My wife's family is from there.
Harper: Oh, she's so blessed. I love it there. The air is so thick and sweet. I still have dreams about it. I wish I could have spent more time there but I had to go to a wedding with my father in Hyderabad.
Sumrat: So does your father come to India often?
Harper: Yeah, his business is there.
Sumrat: Oh really? What kind of business?
Harper: Oh, they basically do everything. It's called Reis Colpepper. And yeah, they... they do everything. [Cab begins to slow down and pull over] Oh... why are we stopped?
Allie: Is this it?
Sumrat: [Turns to face them and gestures to door] Please get out of my car, right now!
Harper: What are you talking about? I don't understand. We were going to...
Sumrat: No! Open the door and get out, now!
Allie: Um...
Harper: We're going to Fort Tilden!
Allie: Okay.
Sumrat: No, you are not! Get out! Open the door and get out my car now!
Allie: Did we do something wrong? What are you talking about?! I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sumrat: Do you know what you are?! You are the daughter of a criminal okay?! Your father is a criminal bully! You get out now!
Allie: Okay, alright, okay.
Harper: Take us to Fort Tilden!
Sumrat: [Rants in Bengali]
Harper: Take us to Fort Tilden, now!
Sumrat: [Rants in Bengali]
Harper: Drive the fucking car!
Sumrat: Don't tell me what to do in my own car! Get out! Now!
Harper: No!
Allie: Harper.
Sumrat: Get out!
Harper: Drive the fucking car now!
Sumrat: Get out of my car, now!
Harper: Drive the fucking car now! [Pounds window]
Sumrat: [Sumrat gets out] Get out!
Harper: Drive the fucking car now!
Sumrat: I don't drive criminals.
Allie: We have to get out out of the car.
Sumrat: I told you...
Harper: [Sumrat walks round, opens door and pulls out Harper] We're not going anywhere! [Repeatedly] I'm not going anywhere! Where'd you get your cellphone, huh?
Allie: [Hugs her restrainedly] Don't hurt her!
Harper: Where'd you get your cellphone?! Fuck you!
Sumrat: [Points] Ask your father about his job in India, okay, yeah?
Harper: [Repeatedly] My father is not a criminal!
Sumrat: You know what, you ask your father how he is able to sleep at night, ok?
Allie: Shut up!
Harper: Fuck you! My father is not a criminal! [Sumrat drives off]
Allie: You okay?
Harper: Yeah, obviously, I'm fine.
Allie: Which way, should we go, do you think?
Harper: It's not his fault. People see what they wanna see. And it's not my fault that I'm his daughter.
Allie: [Walking on shoulder of arterial highway] I know that cars are the reason that the world is the way that it is. But I really miss being able to scream in my car. You just can't do that in New York, you know.
Allie: Yeah, but where would you park it?
Harper: Hmm. Yeah.
Allie: Are we almost there?
Harper: Yeah.
Allie: I kinda feel like this
Harper: I don't know.
Allie: Why is he so fucking close to us? Right? There was this time at the 2nd Avenue F stop where I felt someone pulling on my hair, but then I turned around and there was no one there. And it seriously happened, like, six times! And when I got him, I opened my purse and there was all this cum in it.
Allie: [Gasp] Oh, my God!
Harper: I know. I had to throw away my headphones.
Allie: Okay, like, he's way too close.
Harper: Let's pick up the pace.
Allie: When I was canvassing for Obama, there was this really touchy guy who was always, like, dangerously close to my ass, but not enough to report it, you know? And then a couple of months later, I was at Housing Works, I saw him opening and closing books on his dick. [Harper shudders] So, like, I will always listen to my instincts from now on.
Harper: I have so many books from Housing Works.
Allie: I know. He's right behind us.
Harper: Four and a half years ago, my aunt was walking down Lexington Avenue, when a guy threw her to the ground and took a shit on her chest. And the next thing she remembers, she woke up in Jersey City. [Man coughs loudly with Allie and Harper taking off running at full pace]
Allie and Harper: Oh, my God! Oh God! Oh, my God! Help! Help us! [They hide behind a military installation sign]
Allie: Is he still there?
Harper: Yeah. He's still running!
Allie: Where is he going?!
Harper: I don't know. I don't get it! God!
Allie: That was really scary!
Harper: Scared the shit out of us for nothing!
Allie: What the fuck was wrong with that guy's foot?
Harper: Ugh! It's really scary!
Allie: Wait, this is a beach?!
Harper: Wow. What a cool old theater! Is it still functioning? God, you can do whatever you want in here! What if you could like, bus a bunch of people here at night and put on, like, a cabaret?
Allie: Oh, cool.
Harper: All right, not a cabaret because that's stupid, but, like, something classic, you know. Yeah. Never mind. That's fucking stupid. [Walking across parking lot in sight of an abandoned factory]
Allie: This place is awesome.
Harper: It's such a fucking piece of shit.
Allie: Is the fort back that way?
Harper: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Allie: Okay.
Harper: Uh, is it...
Harper: This is like beach sand, but this doesn't look like a beach.
Allie: It smells.
Harper: Smells like cum.
Allie: It does smell like cum.
Harper: We haven't seen a person in, like... I don't even know.
Allie: Harper, do you even know where you're going?
Harper: Well, yeah, I do. It's just taking longer than I thought.
Allie: [Picks up shell of a Horseshoe crab] Ew!
Harper: Act like you're playing guitar. [Allie poses] Cute.
Allie: I still don't see a fort.
Harper: Oh, my God. That barrel looks exactly like our barrel.
Allie: Ugh, that barrel does look like our barrel.
Harper: Except, the distress is authentic.
Allie: Ugh, this day. [To passing couple] Excuse me, is this a fort?
Woman: Um, yeah, I think this used to be a fort.
Harper: Fort Tilden?
Man: No, this is Jacob Riis.
Harper: So where's Fort Tilden?
Woman: Ugh, I don't know. I think that, uh, you have to take a shuttle there.
Man: Yeah, or ferry.
Allie: No, we already tried that.
Couple: I'm sorry.
Woman: I don't know. We don't.
Man: I don't know. Good luck.
Harper: [Walking away with Allie] Ugh, fucking idiots! [Couple turns to stare]
Harper: [Both groaning] It's like Ted Bundy's house. oh, okay, this looks familiar. We're definitely getting closer. This is like the same material the fort is made out of. [Squeals] Oh my God!
Allie: What?
Harper: Kittens. Hi! Oh, my goodness. Come here. Hi, come here. [Gasps] Oh. Come here. Hi! Oh. [Gasps]
Allie: So cute. Oh. Oh, my God. Hi, baby. Hi, honeys. I won't hurt you.
Harper: Hi. Got you, oh, got you little blue eyes. Oh, this is so tragic.
Allie: Left for dead at the beach. Who'd do this? Hi, little babies. Hi. What?
Harper: They're so pretty Allie. Look at their eyes. Oh, my God. It's like a fancy breed or something.
Allie: Hi, little. Hi, aw. Oh, my God. They smell so good.
Harper: Ah, God, what do we do?
Allie: I don't know.
Harper: We can't leave them.
Allie: I know, I know. We have to take them with us. But...
Harper: To the beach?
Allie: Okay, well, maybe, maybe you can keep two of them and I can take one of them. I can give one of them to my cousin, maybe.
Harper: I don't want to split them apart. That's cruel.
Allie: But I can't take any to Liberia with me. I really think it's down behind those parking lot fields.
Harper: No, it's back this way. We just have to do it right this time.
Allie: Harper, I just... I really think it's that path that we saw before
Harper: [Scoffs] Are you kidding me?
Allie: Why is that such a stupid idea?
Harper: Does it look like a fort lives over there?
Allie: Does it look like a fort lives [Scoffs]
Harper: Why are you just standing there?
Allie: Because we already know it's the wrong way!
Harper: Oh, my God!
Allie: Harper, the sun is low in the sky! I'm tired. And I'm sick of walking up and down this fucking road that leads to nowhere.
Harper: Can you stop picking fights, please?
Allie: I would argue that you're the one picking fights.
Harper: Okay, let's get past this passive aggressive shit.
Allie: Oh, I'm being passive aggressive?
Harper: "Oh, I'm being passive aggressive"? Do you hear that? It's your tone. [Allie grunts] Be careful with the kitten!
Allie: Oh, my God. [Looks at phone to see text from Cabiria woman saying; "How's the beach"?] Fuck. Did you post a picture of me on the beach?
Harper: How would she have seen that?
Allie: On the internet, Harper!
Harper: She can't see my photos if she doesn't follow me!
Allie: Well, she found it. I asked you not to post it, and you did it anyway! And that's so disrespectful!
Harper: I can't control the internet, Allie.
Allie: God, if this gets taken away from me because of you... I need this, Harper.
Harper: Need this for what? You just like to tell people about it.
Allie: God, no! That's not true! That's so false! You're just the only person in the world who can't get excited for me!
Harper: No, Allie. No one cares. No one is dumb enough to think that you'll actually go through with this. You know what, I dare you to go to the Peace Corps.
Allie: You don't have to dare me to do something I'm already fucking doing!
Harper: You're not gonna do it! It's just one of the many exit strategies you're collecting!
Allie: This isn't an exit strategy, this is a plan! It's a really good plan! I am doing something valuable and... that's not something to be ashamed of! I would love to see you try to make a plan!
Harper: Oh, you can't make plans in my field! It's art. You just have to let things happen! And what, you think that's easy or something?
Allie: No, I think it's really hard, which is why you're not an artist. Artists take risks, and are honest with themselves. They don't just fucking talk shit about people who are already doing good things!
Harper: I hope that felt really good.
Allie: It really, really did!
Harper: 300 years ago, there was a girl named Allie who went to the Peace Corps because she didn't know what she was good at. And when she came back, it hadn't solved any of her problems, and she was just two years older.
Allie: 300 years ago, there was a girl named Harper, who... used up the world's space and gave nothing in return because she's afraid to fucking fail. And that's the worst thing you can be as a human.
Harper: I'm done with these fucking cats! Come on!
Allie: I know. Come on. I know.
Harper: Can you make it nice for them?
Allie: Obviously. Here. Shh! It's okay. It's okay. Don't scared! Be careful.
Harper: I am careful!
Allie: Which one should I take? Come here. I know.
Harper: Are you sure that's okay?
Allie: I mean, it's better than where they came from. If you have a better idea, let me know. [Putting kittens in trash can] All right. Bye you guys. See you soon. Are you all right?
Harper: It's okay. We'll be back. Be comfortable. Okay?
Allie: [Sighs] Okay. I have a really good feeling about this path, and I would like to try it please.
Harper: Fine, let's go.
Allie: Okay.
Harper: There won't be a fort at the end of it.
Allie: Shh! Whatever, Harper. [Reads text message] They're at the other fucking beach! They're not even at Fort Tilden! At least we know how to get there.
Harper: Okay, so before we go, I just wanna prepare you that if Russ is not into me, it's not my fault, and if he tries to get anywhere with me, I'm not gonna stop him.
Allie: He texted me.
Harper: That's because he got game, and he wants to fuck your friend, not you.
Allie: [Scoffs and points to a heavily graffitied concreted hanger] Is this it?
Harper: This is the fort.
Allie: This is the fucking fort?! Well, that's great. I'm glad we found it and don't need it. It looks like a spaceship.
Harper: Looks like a Chia Pet.
Allie: Great!
Allie: Is that them?
Harper: It has to be. Who are those two with them?
Allie: Ugh! It can't be them.
Harper: That's Russ. And there's the other one.
Allie: Are they fucking topless?
Harper: Yep.
Allie: No.
Harper: Hi!
Russ: Oh, you guys actually showed up! Sam, you remember these girls? Remember them?
Sam: Oh, yeah. Hey! That's so funny that you're here.
Harper: So funny?
Sam: Yeah.
Sage: I'm Sage.
Allie: Sage! Oh my gosh, that's such a beautiful name! Sage! Wow! [Chuckles]
Harper: I'm Harper. This is Allie.
Allie: Hi. Hello.
Mia: I'm Mia.
Allie: I'm sorry?
Mia: Mia. That's my name. You know, Mia.
Allie: Right. Yes. Beautiful.
Russ: So, are you guys gonna just stand there... are you gonna join us? We got beers!
Sam: By all means, treat yourselves.
Mia: So, how do we all know each other?
Harper: [Starts taking off shirt looking at Allie looking back passively aggressively smiling] We've been friends for a long time.
Mia: Oh, us, too.
Harper: How do you guys know each other?
Mia: Oh, my God, how do we know each... oh my God. Do you remember? Kind of. [Laughs]
Allie: That sounds fun.
Mia: So, what's your story?
Harper: I'm an artist.
Mia: Oh! What's your medium?
Harper: Mixed mediums. Depends on the audience and the material.
Mia: This country does not put enough money into the arts.
Harper: It's so true.
Mia: What about you, Allie?
Allie: Um, I just dropped everything and I'm going to the Peace Corps.
Sage: So you're, like, taking time off?
Allie: Well, you know, I just couldn't think of a better way to spend two years.
Sage: Right on.
Russ: So, uh, where are you going actually?
Allie: Liberia
Sam: Oh, right! That's fucking crazy!
Mia: They have a branch there?
Allie: Yes, they do. Yeah.
Mia: Wow, that's scary. [Laughs]
Russ: Yeah.
Allie: Well, you know, sometimes, I think you have to live a little before you can become who you are, you know.
Mia: Ugh, we're so lucky.
Allie: Yeah. And I mean, I think it's... I think it's a new perspective that'll really give me a leg up when I apply for law school.
Mia: Oh, is that you want to do?
Allie: Yeah, of acupuncture...
Russ: Mia was doing actually some work with some countries. Where were you at? Like, it was Thailand, right?
Mia: The clouds in Phuket move so fast. I'm having withdrawls. I was working for this non-profit called Free Water
Allie: I know Free Water. That's an amazing organization. Thank you for your work.
Harper: Thank you.
Mia: I told Sage she needs to come with me next year so she can write about it.
Sam: Oh, yeah. Sage is a great fucking writer. Really top-notch.
Mia: Stop it!
Allie: Well, we'd love to read some of your work sometime.
Russ: So, uh, did you guys get the molly or...
Harper: Yeah, it was easy.
Russ: One for each of us? That's cool.
Allie: Yeah, don't be nervous. This one's all about love.
Mia: Thanks.
Sage: Thank you guys so much.
Allie: Oh...
Harper: Um, yeah.
Russ: You guys are already rolling, right?
Harper: Yeah, yeah.
Mia: The last time I rolled was in this hostel in Malaysia with a bunch of Norwegians. God, I'm so glad my past is behind me.
Harper: So, how's the water?
Sam: I was good earlier, I don't know about now.
Harper: Who wants to go in? Russ you know you want to.
Russ: No, not at all. It's kinda cold. It's not even sunny at all.
Harper: Oh, come on.
Russ: I'm cool right where I... am. I mean, you can...
Harper: Come on.
Allie: Harper, don't make him do something he doesn't want to do, you know.
Harper: Just imagine how amazing it's gonna feel when the molly takes over in the surf.
Sam: I'm sure Hally would wanna go. Allie. Yeah. That's what I mean. Well, like... you two could go together as friends.
Harper: Russ!
Russ: No, I'm actually... I'm fine where I am, here.
Harper: [Gets up] Ah! I can't believe you're making me drag you.
Russ: No one's making you. Seriously.
Sam: [To Harper and Russ] Have fun. [To Allie] So, how long does this usually take to, like... [Makes explosion gesture]
Allie: Oh. Um, not very long.
Sam: Cool. Cool. Yeah.
Allie: Great. Pretty quick.
Sam: How did you get here today?
Allie: Oh, we biked.
Sam: Oh wow! That's intense.
Allie: Yeah, it was so nice, actually. It was really relaxing. It was really beautiful.
Sam: Oh, that's great.
Russ: It's freezing!
Harper: Are you kidding me?!
Russ: This is so freaking freezing!
Harper: It feels really good.
Russ: No, it doesn't at all!
...
Sage: I'm really glad this is happening 'cause dude needs to get over you.
Mia: Oh, my God. I know.
Harper: Brr. You were right. Kinda feels great.
Russ: Yeah. I'm definitely cold.
Harper: My first orgasm was in the water.
Russ: That sounds complicated.
Harper: Not really. I've just always been able to cum so easily.
Russ: You're lucky.
...
Sam: [Laughs] Oh, my God! Wait. I just... I thought my phone was ringing. It was just my stomach grumbling. [Mia laughs] It's like a vibration, so I thought it was outside my body.
Allie: Hi, Cabiria!
Cabiria: Wow! I'm surprised to hear your voice.
Russ: [Harper playfully splashes water into Russ face] Stop! Stop!
Harper: You love it!
Russ: Fuck.
Cabiria: I can hear the waves, Allie.
Allie: That's um... that's actually my air conditioner.
Cabiria: Uh-huh.
Allie: I'm sorry. I'm confused.
Cabiria: The Peace Corps is no joke. I'm responsible for you and it reflects poorly on me, when my nominees fall short of my expectations. I don't take on children.
Allie: Oh, God! Did you... did you not get the PDFs that I sent you with all my information? I mean, I... my internet is in and out, so it's possible that it didn't go through. Or maybe you could check your spam folder. It could be in there.
Cabiria: Don't think I'm that easy.
Allie: Oh, gosh! Is... is this about that picture? Because that's actually from a really long time ago. Um, I would die if I was at a beach right now.
Cabiria: I know you're lying to me. I believed in you and you let me down. I want so badly to cut you from the program, but I can't because you are the only candidate who's proficient in the Kisi language.
Allie: Yeah.
Cabiria: We are meeting at 3:00 p.m., sick or not.
Allie: Okay.
Cabiria: Enjoy the beach.
Mia: Is everything okay?
Allie: Yeah. [Sniffling] This woman was just yelling at me and... this is how I'm reacting. I'm fine, I'm fine.
Sage: Oh, my God, sweetie, who was yelling at you?
Allie: The Peace Corps woman. She's really unfair.
Mia: Oh, my God! What a bitch! I mean, you're, like, putting off college for that.
Allie: Oh, no. No, no, I've been out of college for, um... how old are you?
Sage: How old are you?
Harper: I wanna show you something. Guess what this is.
Russ: That's my dick. It's so cold.
Harper: It'll get better.
Sam: I don't wanna jinx it, but I feel like I have a pretty good chance of getting into North-Western. You know, just 'cause my dad went there and everything. I don't know. It's stupid.
Mia: You'll get in. I mean, come on. He has such good grades. Me and Sage are going to try Brown together. College cannot be our goodbye, you know.
Sage: I have to take the SAT again in October because I fucked it up in spring.
Mia: Ugh! Can we not talk about the SATs for once?
Harper: [Kisses Russ] Yeah, you like that? [She moans] I'm gonna watch you cum.
Russ: I'm trying. I'm trying. [Harper kisses him] Can you stop?! Please, can you stop?! [He screams]
Sage: Um, so... I think I'm rolling a little bit. Yeah, I'm starting to feel loose.
Sam: Are you feeling this right now?
Allie: Yeah.
....
Harper: Touch me.
Russ: Yo, fuck this. This is so fucked up. I don't want Mia to get jealous. Fuck this. I'm sorry. It's so fucking cold. I- I just gotta go right now. I'm sorry. [He turns for the shore]
Harper: Are you kidding me?!
Russ: Can you guys, like... can we, like, wrap it up and can we just go, like, can we get out of here?
Mia: Is everything okay?
Russ: Oh, yeah. I'm just really cold and my stomach hurts. Can we just...
Mia: Mmm-hmm.
Russ: ...get the stuff? Like, now! Like...
Mia: Chill out. We're going.
Sam: Hey Allie. I think we're gonna leave now. To go back uptown to my mother's place. Um... and look, I'm just gonna be super honest with you here. I'm vibing on you pretty hard right now. And if my senses are right, I feel like you feel the some of the same. So I don't know what the right movie is here. You're more than welcome to come with us. If you wanna stay here, ditch the friend, and then come meet us afterwards, you know, I can't promise that we'll have a place for your bicycle 'cause it's all happening so fast...
Allie: Don't...
Sam: ...I've never felt this way about anyone before.
Allie: [Stammers] You... go ahead. I'll... I'm gonna be fine.
Sam: I get it. It's friendship. It's number one. You can't leave friends. This is... all this stuff I learned from you is unbelievable. You are so wise.
Allie: Are you going to be okay to drive, though?
Sam: Yeah. I'm fine to drive. Yeah.
Allie: Are you sure?
Sam: Yeah. I've never felt more capable of driving in my entire life
Allie: Are you sure you're gonna be okay to drive?
Sam: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Yeah.
Sage: It was so, so nice to meet you. Hopefully, our like, paths will cross again.
Allie: Yeah? Yeah. Definitely.
Russ: Okay, come on, guys. Seriously.
Mia: What was your friend's name?
Allie: Harper.
Mia: Okay. Bye, Harper!
Sam: Bye, Harper!
Mia: It was so great to meet you!
Sam: ...incredible, in my life.
Mia: Also, you know, don't worry about that woman. Okay, you did everything right. She needs to suffer with herself. Okay? [Kisses hand and waves] Bye.
Allie: Have fun at college, you guys.
Mia: Bye!
Sage: Those women were like, 30. How do old people buy drugs?
Mia: No idea.
Allie: [Swims out to Harper] Hey.
Harper: I'm not usually wrong about people. Russ and I were like... like, perfectly cool, and just flirty both ways. And then he flipped out on me.
Allie: They were teenagers.
Harper: Sage and Mia? God! That's so reprehensible!
Allie: No.
Harper: What douchebags!
Allie: No, not all of them. They were all teenagers.
Harper: Not Russ.
Harper: [Sitting at military installation sign] I guess I don't know what teenagers look like anymore.
Driver: [Pulls up] Where you going?
Harper: Williamsburg.
Harper: Clouds in Phuket move so fast. A summer essay by Sage.
Emergency dispatch: 911, what's your emergency?
Harper: I'm not sure if this is the right number to call, ma'am.
Emergency dispatch: What's your emergency?
Harper: Well, it's not an emergency emergency but I'm at Fort Tilden and I saw two young women leave a litter of kittens in a trash can.
Emergency dispatch: Where's Tilden?
Harper: We're at Fort Tilden in the Rockaways.
Emergency dispatch: Okay, okay, what's your name ma'am?
Harper: Harper Colpepper.
Emergency dispatch: Ok Harper, so I'm going to send animal control over, but in the meantime could you please take those kittens out of the trash can, ok? Is this best number to reach you at?
Harper: Oh, well, the thing is, my phone's gonna die and I had to go but it's about to rain I know.
Emergency dispatch: Oh, oh my god, those poor baby kittens.
Harper: My phone's gonna die.
Emergency dispatch: Those kittens are gonna drown. Who- who would do something like that?
Harper: I don't know
Emergency dispatch: Where are you at right now.
Harper: I'm just walking and it's, uh, outside. [Looks at phone] Finally. [Shows Allie an image depicting a penis"]
Allie: Oh, gross.
Cab driver: You girls like to go clubbing? You like house music?
Harper: No.
Cab driver: It's too bad. My boy's spinning tonight at my club.
Harper: You have a club?
Cab driver: Yes, this is all I do. This is my joy.
Allie: Where's your license?
Cab driver: You want to see my license?
Allie: Are you not a cab?
Cab driver: No. Club is all I do.
Allie: We called for a cab driver.
Cab driver: I'm not a cab driver.
Allie: Okay. [Sighs and says to Harper] Well, this is our rape moment.
Harper: I'm going to have a Xanax, do you want a Xanax?
Allie: Yes, please. [Harper gives her one] Thank you.
Harper: Don't thank me. [Cab pulls over] How much?
Cab driver: I don't know. How much?
Harper: It was a 100 to get out there.
Cab driver: Okay.
Harper: Why did I even say that?
[Allie and Harper lumber up stairs to their apartment door but Allie continues up stairs]
Harper: Where are you going?
[Ebbs greets Allie at his apartment door]
Ebbs: Hi, Allie.
Allie: Hey.
Ebbs: How was the beach?
Allie: Oh. Fucking shitty.
Ebbs: Sorry to hear that.
Allie: It's fine.
Ebbs: Where's the bike?
Allie: Well, that's the thing. Hmm, I just left it.
Ebbs: Where did you leave it?
Allie: [Stammers] I... I, you know, I just... I left it, because... I just didn't want to deal with it. So I, um... I left it in the ghetto, uh, hidden under a bunch of trash.
Ebbs: Can you go get it? What?
Allie: If... I was gonna go get it, I would have gotten it already. You know, I can tell you where it is, kind of, I'm sorry.
Ebbs: I don't understand. Why... are you not... gonna give me back the bicycle I lent to you?
Allie: Listen, I said I'm sorry.
Ebbs: Could you get it before you leave here?
Allie: I, uh, don't know about Liberia. Not... you know what... it's gonna happen... [She chuckles cruelly] I'm not going anywhere... I don't know what I'm suited for. [She suddenly walks away glancing at Ebbs in absolute incredulousness]
Harper's father: [On speakerphone] Maybe you should take a spa day, you work so hard.
Harper: Am I gonna see you before Geneva?
Harper's father: What do you need?
Harper: I don't know. I guess I don't need anything.
Harper's father: You've gotta get yourself a Tempure-Pedic for your bed, I've been sleeping so well.
Harper: But how did you do so well at my age? How did you get your life to move?
Harper's father: Well, it depends on your calling. You're a dreamer sweetie. You can't ignore your gift.
Harper: My gift is that I'm a dreamer?
Harper's father: Look, angel, I gotta check in for my flight, I told Linda to put that money in your account.
Harper: No, that's not... I'm like... I'm trying to be serious!
Harper's father: What is it?
Harper: I don't know. I guess I just wish we could get, like, dinner, or something.
Harper's father: You know, I'd love that. It's just the timing, there's not time. I've gotta go. Love you, sweetheart. I live only for you.
Allie: [Harper hands her a plate] Toast. [On laptop] The twins sent us a song.
Harper: I don't wanna hear it.
Allie: Then don't listen. [Play song] This is tediously adorable.

Cast

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