Fresh Meat

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'Fresh Meat' is a British television show which premiered on Channel 4 . It stars comedian Jack Whitehall, actresses Kimberley Nixon, Charlotte Ritchie and Zawe Ashton, actor Greg McHugh and The Inbetweeners star Joe Thomas, and was produced by Peep Show creators Jesse Armstrong and Sam Bain. It is about a group of university students in the first term of their fresher year at the fictional Manchester Medlock University.

Series 1[edit]

Episode one[edit]

Howard: [Caught trouserless by Vod] I just haven't spoken to another human being in some time. [indicating the hanging birds] Wind-drying peking ducks.
Vod: Right...
Howard: Sorry. I've just got used to wearing trousers of the mind.
Vod: Well, maybe you should tuck your cock away while I make us a nice cup of tea.

[After Kingsley runs into the Christian girl he tried to court the night before]
Kingsley: [To Josie] Look, the truth is, nothing happened. She doesn't fancy me. She was just trying to save my soul.
Josie: What a bitch.
Kingsley: Yeah, I thought so. It was going quite well, until she mentioned that she believes, quite strongly, that sexual impulses are sent by Satan, to lure us into a trap that ends with our souls frying like bacon for eternity.
Josie: So she tricked you? [Kingsley shrugs. She angrily marches back to the girl] You know, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Christian girl: Sorry?
Josie: Targeting a lonely, sexually frustrated guy, yeah, just because you've picked out the weak antelope in the herd.
Kingsley: I think it's more like they target power-brokers, you know, like opinion informers.
Girl: He was very interesting!
Josie: No! He was not. You snared him in, because... because... well, because you're hot, and that's a fact. And I don't find you hot, but the fact is that you are hot. [slams her leaflet down] So there you go. Fuck you!

[Storms off, with Kingsley in tow]

Episode two[edit]

Josie: Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish - vegetable munge.
Kingsley: Sounds... disappointing...
JP: No offence, but I won't be eating any of that shit, because it looks heinous.
[Josie rolls her eyes and continues cooking]
Kingsley: So... this is very generous of you. What a very generous person you are. Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you wanna do all the laying?

JP: I can't believe none of you have a car. Nothing. Not even a Fiat Panda. [handing his bags to Howard] Take these.
Josie: I notice that you don't have a car.
JP: Uh - wrong, actually. I've got a BMW X1. I just can't drive it at the moment, because I've got points on my licence. Because apparently, I was speeding. Apparently, I was drunk.
Vod: Students who drive cars are dicks.
Oregon: [nervously] Er - yeah! Why?
Vod: 'Cause they're not students. You got a car and a sat-nav, you're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.

[Vod, Josie and Oregon are walking to a party]
Oregon: Argh! My shoelaces keep coming undone!
Vod: [sarcastically] My shoes are not to your liking? I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them.
Oregon: Could you take my bag?
[Vod takes the bag and tucks under her arm, squeezing it a little. As she does so, there is the unmistakeable "beep-beep" of a car alarm being armed. Startled, she squeezes it again, and the alarm is disarmed. Oregon nervously looks up towards a car, whose lights are flashing, confirming that it is hers]
Oregon: Oh, that must've been my car keys. Oh yeah! I've got a car!
Vod: [uncomfortably, as she remembers her earlier comment] Oh right.
Oregon: Oh my God, I totally forgot I had a car! How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car!
'[She goes over and hugs the car. Josie and Vod share looks of concern]

Oregon: Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about. Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me, having a penis I didn't even know about. Woke up a few times on my year off having had a penis I didn't know about.

[Paul Lamb throws a weight out of his window, and it hits Oregon's car bonnet]
Oregon: My car! [catches herself] Cool... 'cause it's my dad's. The dick.

Episode 3[edit]

Professor Shales: [dismissing the class] Essays due in week five. DON'T leave it all until the night before is my advice to you, not that you've listened to it or indeed noticed that I am still talking.

Josie: [contemplating Howard and Vod's date] Poor Vod... Poor Howard... Poor Vod.
JP: [entering] Josie... hey... um, can I ask you something? Erm, you know when you and I, errrr... [makes hand gestures] when I, er, when I did you... I, um, I didn't, errr, rape you, did I?
Josie: NO!
JP: Rape is a grey area...
Josie: I'd love to say otherwise, but in that instance it was definitely... consensual.

Kingsley: [performing at Drama] I hate you. I hate that you're on the other side of the wall. I hate the wall. I wish there was no wall. But then, if there was no wall, then we'd just be in bed together. What would that be like? Is that who I am? A man who needs a wall? A wall man? [Jumps up and mimes pressing up against a wall] Wall. Or man. Wall. [Steps back and then runs forward and falls backwards, as if hitting a wall, accidentally knocking himself unconscious]

Episode 4[edit]

JP: [After Kingsley shares a disturbing story about losing his virginity] Well, there's nothing unusual about popping your cherry with a family friend. I actually dislodged my v-plates on my Uncle Paulo took me to Southampton.
Josie: [getting up] Yeah, I don't think we should play this game anymore.
JP: Well, there's nothing bad about it!
Oregon: I don't think I want to hear this...
JP: He bought me a hooker for my eighteenth! [they all groan] What?! She wasn't a munter, she was dock-side fine!

[Josie and Kingsley are sitting in their rooms, reading. Josie is unable to hold onto it any longer and speaks into the hole separating their rooms]
Josie: Do you not want to talk about it?
Kingsley: Talk about what?
Josie: How you lost your virginity?
Kingsley: It was a true story.
Josie: Yeah, I know, it's just - you were twelve, and I just wondered if that's where your issues come from?
Kingsley: What issues?
Josie: A woman who was meant to be looking after you... had sex with you. It doesn't sound great, does it?
Kingsley: Josie...
[The door suddenly opens and Josie enters Kingsley's room]
Josie: Plus, a caravan site - what if she still works there? Don't you think it's your duty to report it?
Kingsley: Josie, we don't need to... do... anything... because... what I said wasn't it. She did exist, the woman, but... we never actually...
Josie: [surprised] Oh? So... why did you say you did? [He shrugs. The truth suddenly dawns on her] Oh... Blimey...ooh. Erm... [pats his knee] Aww. Kingsley...
Kingsley: [horrified, pushing her hand aside] What? What're you thinking? Oh, you are way off the scent, sister. I can tell you that for sure.
Josie: It is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Kingsley: It's not what you think. But if it is, which obviously it is, you wouldn't say anything to anybody, would you? Not to the others? Or your friends, or your parents?
Josie: Why would I tell my parents?
Kingsley: Just because of my mum... I never got a chance to do it... and she -
Josie: Honestly, Kingsley, virginity's only a big deal until you lose it. I mean, I made Dave wait, like, ages. And then we did it, and I was like "is that it?" Even now I'm not sure what all the fuss is about, you know what I mean?
Kingsley: No.
Josie: No. God, erm, sorry. Look, I promise I won't tell another soul.
[Next scene, Josie rushes into Vod and Oregon's bathroom]
Josie: Kingsley's a virgin!
[They look at her in utter shock]

[Howard and JP are chatting up two girls]
JP: So there must be some sort of Uni health club or something. I mean - you work out, right?
Girl: No. Pretty unfit.
JP: [smoothly] Not from where I'm standing. [winks]
Howard: I can't do exercise, 'cause I've got severe athlete's foot. [the girls look disgusted. JP cringes to himself] I think of it as the very definition of irony.
JP: Would you excuse us, ladies? [Takes Howard aside] What are you doing!? They don't want to hear about your fucking foot!
Howard: I'm just being myself.
JP: Why the fuck would you want to do that!? That is literally the most stupid thing I have ever heard! I'm here to teach you how to be a real person!

[Ralph is playing a pub "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" machine]
Ralph: The cherimoya is a fruit that originates from which country?
Howard: Peru.
JP: [ignoring him] Dunno mate. So, I was thinking maybe of going to see Ross's DJ set. You up for it?
Ralph: [reading the screen] China, India, Malaysia or Peru...
Howard: [annoyed] Peru!
Ralph: [ignoring him] Was, mate. Meant to be a large one. Only last dude setting us up with upperclass A's has got meningitis. Don't get me wrong, it's a tragedy, but dude, keep it real!
JP: Well, I mean, if you need any shit, I could always pick it up for you?
Ralph: [looking up] For reals?
JP: Yeah, tots, bruv. Whatever you want.
"Ralph': Fuck it, I'm gonna say Peru. [Taps machine]
Machine: Correct answer!
Ralph: Yeah, baby, I'm a Ge-ni-us! [Howard looks sullen. JP raises his hand to high-five Ralph] Well, if you're serious... [takes out a list] We want the lot. Everything on there. [reading screen] The Ring Ouzel is a type of what bird?
Howard: [pause] Duck.
JP: Yep. Cool! No probers.
Ralph: [smiling triumphantly] That would be a duck! [taps screen]
Machine: Incorrect answer!
Ralph: What the fuck!?
[Howard smiles maliciously - the answer is actually "Thrush"]