Well, your best better get a hell of a lot fucking better, or you are gonna feel a hell of a lot fucking worse. Everybody be cool. You — be cool!
Now I'm gonna ask you one question, and all I want is a yes or no answer: Do you wanna live through this?
Let me explain the house rules. Follow the rules, we'll get along like a house on fire. Rule number one: No noise, no questions. You make a noise... [holds up gun] Mr. .44 makes a noise. You ask a question, Mr. 44 answers it.
Don't you ever try and fucking run on us, 'cause I've got six little friends and they can all run faster than you can.
Do you think this is who I am? I am a professional thief, I don't run around killing people I don't have to.
I know that I have put you through hell, and I know that I have been one rough pecker. But from here on, you are all in my cool book.
[puts a gun to Sex-Machine's head] You touch my brother with that stake, biker, and vampires won't have to suck your blood. They'll be able to lick it up off the floor.
Richie, here is the peace in death that I could not give you in life!
And I don't want to hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires" because I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes, and what I saw is fucking vampires!
So what are you, Jacob? A faithless preacher? Or a mean motherfuckin' servant of God?
And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it, then there has got to be a heaven... Jacob, there's gotta be.
I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless fuckin' pieces of shit!
All right, vampire killers... let's kill some fucking vampires.
All right, ramblers... Let's get ramblin'.
I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard.
Every person who... chooses the service of God as his life's work has something in common. I don't care if you're a preacher, a priest, a nun, a rabbi or a Buddhist monk. Many, many times during your life you will look at your reflection in a mirror and ask yourself: am I a fool? I'm not going through a lapse; what I've experienced is closer to awakening.
[on his impending vampirization] I'll be a lap dog of Satan.
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[As a vampire] You know what they say about me? I suck!
Pete Bottoms: [about a Texas Ranger] Look, he comes in here everyday. We bullshit, and he's used my bathroom about a thousand times. If I said no this time he'd know somethin' was up.
Seth: Okay, I want him out of here, in his car, and down the road or you can change the name of this place to Benny's World of Blood.
Richie: The Ranger's taking a piss. Why don't I just go there, shoot him in the back of the head and get outta here.
Pete Bottoms: Don't do that! Look, you asked me to act natural, and I'm acting as natural - in fact, under the circumstances, I think I ought get a fuckin' Academy Award for how natural I'm acting.
[As Benny's World of Liquor explodes in the background]
Seth: What did I tell you?! What did I say to you? I said buy the road map and leave.
Richie: What the fuck was I supposed to do, Seth? He recognized us.
Seth: He didn't recognize shit!
Richie: Seth, I'm telling you. The way he looked at us, you especially, I knew he knew.
Seth: Low profile. Do you understand the meaning of the words " Low Profile"?
Richie: "Hey, how's your hand, Richie?" It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch, thanks for asking, Seth!
Seth: Let me tell you what low profile is not! Low profile is not taking girls hostage! It is not shooting police officers! IT IS NOT SETTING FIRE TO A BUILDING!
Richie: Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Seth: So, what's the story with you two, you a couple of fags?
Jacob: He's my son.
Seth: How's that happen? You don't look Japanese.
Jacob: Neither does he. He looks Chinese.
Seth: Oh – Well, excuse me all to hell.
[Richie is day-dreaming]
Kate: Richie, would you do me a favor and eat my pussy for me... please?
Richie: Uhh... sure.
Seth: [talking to Jacob about his wife's death in a car crash] Died instantly?
Jacob: Not quite. She was trapped in the wreck for about six hours before she passed on.
Seth: Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?
Jacob: Yes, they do.
Kate: Where are you taking us?
Kate: What's in Mexico?
Richie: Where are my glasses?
Seth: They broke when you fell.
Richie: Oh, fuck, Seth, that's my only pair!
Seth: Don't worry about it, we'll get you some glasses.
Richie: Whatdya mean, don't worry about it. Of course I'm gonna worry about it, I can't fuckin' see.
Seth: When we get to El Rey, I'll take care of it.
Richie: Yeah, like a Mexican hole-in-the-wall's gonna have my fuckin' prescription.
Seth: It is not a big deal until you make it a big deal. Now, I was very relaxed until you woke up, so stop bringing me down with this bullshit!
Seth: Shit, I been to bars make this place look like a fuckin' 4-H club.
Richie: I gotta say I'm with Jacob on this. I been to some fucked up places in my time, but that place is fucked up.
Seth: Now, is my shit together, or is my shit together?
Richie: Your shit is forever together!
Jacob: Are you so much a fucking loser, you can't tell when you've won?
Seth: What did you call me?
Jacob: Nothing. I didn't make a statement. I asked a question. Would you like me to ask it again?
Jacob: Are you such a loser you can't tell when you've won? The entire state of Texas, along with the F.B.I., is looking for you. Did they find you? No. They couldn't. You've won, Seth, enjoy it.
Seth: Jacob, I want you to have a drink with me. I insist.
Santanico Pandemonium: I'm not gonna drain you completely. You'll be my slave. Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood, you'll feed on the blood of stray dogs. You'll be my foot stool. And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel. Since you'll be my dog, your new name will be "Spot". Welcome to slavery.
Seth: No, thanks. I've already had a wife. [shoots the chandelier above her head, which kills her]
Seth: [looking at Richie's corpse] I love you, little brother.
Richie: I love you too, Seth. [roars into vampire form]
Kate: Are you okay?
Seth: Peachy, Kate. The world's my oyster, except for the fact that I just rammed a wooden stake in my brother's heart because he turned into a vampire, even though I don't believe in vampires. Aside from that unfortunate business, everything's hunky-dory.
Seth: Do you have a cross?
Jacob: In the motor home.
Seth: In other words, no.
Scott: What are you talking about? We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together and you got a cross.
Jacob: Has anybody here read a real book about vampires, or are we just remembering what a movie said? I mean a real book.
Sex Machine: You mean like a Time-Life book?
Seth: I don't give a damn about living any more. All I care about is taking as many as those demons back to hell as I can.
Kate: Seth, should I save the last two bullets for us?
Seth: No, use 'em on the next fuck who tries to bite you!
Seth: [about the Titty Twister] Why, out of all the God-forsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here?
Carlos: One place's just as good as another.
Seth: You've never been here before?
Carlos: No. I drove by it a couple of times. It's a rowdy place, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there'd be no cops. It's open from dusk till dawn. And didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are.
Seth: Well since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother Richie is dead, that girl's entire fucking family is dead!
Carlos: Well Seth, how can I make it up to you?
Seth: No, Carlos! Can't do it! I tell you, you cannot make it up to me. Can't do it! [pause] 15%, instead of 30% for my stay in El Ray, that's a good start. My brother's gone, you understand that? He is gone and he is not coming back, and that is your fault.
Carlos: What were they, psychos?
Seth: Did they look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires! Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them, I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!
I had to work with Harvey Keitel, and my character was supposed to dominate him. Now, nobody but nobody dominates Harvey on screen. I did my best, but when I look at the result, I can see him throw in a gesture, raise an eyebrow, or even take a pause, and he takes focus. That's why he's Harvey Keitel, and I'm just a lucky guy with the best job in the world.