Gary & Mike
Gary & Mike is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on UPN in 2001. The series revolves about best friends traveling across the United States on a road trip, accomplishing nothing of importance, and unwittingly destroying hopes, dreams, and personal property.
Dawn of the New Millennium
- Mike: [trying to be smooth] So, Mrs. Henderson, are you tired?
- Mrs. Henderson: Excuse me.
- Mike: 'Cause you've been running through my mind all day.
- Gary: [pushing Mike toward the car] O.K. O.K. C'mon we gotta get going. We gotta go, now.
- Mike: Later. [waving to Mrs. Henderson]
- Mrs. Henderson: God, I hope not.
- Mike: You know Sandy, I think I really need to gouge my eyes out.
- Julie: Why?
- Mike: Because then I could die knowing the last thing I saw was you, Sandy, the most beautiful thing on earth.
- Julie: Oh, Mike, you are so romantic. By the way my name is Julie.
- Mike: Right.
- Ba: This week, as Hasselhoff passes overhead, a window will open in the heavens. We call that window Glory's hole and we must pass though it to be delivered. That's why we call ourselves The Glory Holians.
- Gary: Please don't take this the wrong way, sir, but one, you're insane. Two, everybody here is insane and three, any one who would fall for this crap is a mindless idiot.
- [Mike burst though the door in the same white outfit that the cult members wear and breaks into a song about Glory's Hole.]
- Li: What would you say if I told you that our bodies are merely husk. Temporary containers for our unenlightened souls.
- Mike: Kinda like corn?
- Li: Exactly.
- Mike: I'd say it's time to start shucking.
- Mike: [speaking to that appears to be a Dr. holding lottery tickets] Hey, hey. You a doctor?
- Doctor: Not if these tickets pay off, kiddo. [kisses lottery tickets]
- Mike: I need you to look at my friend over there. His head's as big as Rosie O'Donnell's.
- Jerry Springer: So, how's it goin' boys?
- Mike: Man, I am so (bleep) psyched! You (bleep) rock you genius mother(bleep)! [laughs] Sorry, Jerry, I just always wanted to do that, y'know.
The Virgin Gary
- Mike: You have to break up with him.
- Lauren: OK. Relax. You want an oral break up, hand break up, girl on girl break up.
- Mike: No. Just a regular break up.
- Lauren: That'll be two grand.
- Mike: You don't understand. The idiot has fallen in love with you.
- Lauren: Did you get a hair cut?
- Mike: No, I had my head in a vice. Look the bottom line is, I'm outta money.
- Lauren: Bottom line. Unless I get the cash, if he calls, I tell him I'm a pro.
- Mike: No no no no. Don't do that, you'll break his heart and he'll hate my guts forever. Look you gotta help me out here. I need a favor.
- Lauren: Oral favor, hand favor, girl on girl favor..
- Mike: No no no, an actual real favor.
- Lauren: I'm not in the favor business!
- [close up of Card Counting for Meatheads, as Mike reads]
- Mike: When counting cards, remain inconspicuous. [pulls out to see Mike sitting at a black jack table obviously reading from the book]
- Dealer: Sir, sir, would you like to place a bet.
- [Gary, Mike, and a Gwenth Paltrov look-a-like that Mike has been making out with are hiding in a closet.]
- Gary: I don't want to die. I'm too young.
- Mike: I don't wanna die. I haven't found the scene yet.
- Look-a-like: [in a male voice] I don't wanna die my post-op is tomorrow. [Mike screams]
- Gary: Rudy, this is incredible, man. Thank you so much.
- Rudy: Sure, bro. For what?
- Gary: You got us to the scene. Look at all these stars. Neve Campbell, Cher, Eric Estradra.
- Producer: These aren't stars. They're look-a-likes. Nobodies. That's Sue Williams, Renee Goodman, and Eric Estrada.
- [Gary is holding three large carryout trays of coffee]
- Mike: [to Gary] Hey man, I need you to read this thing I've been working on.
- Gary: Ugh! Can't you see I'm a little busy here, Mike?
- Mike: Uh okay. But when you get a minute read it please.
- Gary: Yeah yeah, Could you get the door for me?
- Mike: Yeah sure, later.
- Gary: LATER!?!?
- Gary: There's gotta be more to life than seeing how far you can travel on 30 cents worth of gas. [car sputters and dies]
- Mike: Mystery solved. Exactly three point seven miles.
New York, New York
- Fashion Host: [to Mike] I'm sorry. Mr. Soloman. We had to give your seats away. [Mike sighs, defeated] So you'll have to see the show from the model's dressing area. That is if female nudity doesn't offend you. [Mike brightens up and a "ah-ooo-ga" horn can be heard.]
- Cop #1: O.K. One last time big shot. Why'd you steal the car?
- Gary: [whinning] No, our car was stolen.
- Cop #2: Ohhh. I thought you said you stole the car. Go ahead boys, pull your pants back up.
The Furry Duffel
- Gary: Come on, Mike. You need to start carrying your own weight. Get a job.
- Mike: Sorry, brother. Work is like cuddling after sex, I just don't do it.
- Barbershop Quartet: [singing] He tried bailin', but Gary's failing, and now he's stuck...he's such a stupid hmmmmmm.
- [Mike is being led through a backstage control room]
- Man in Charge: Cue spontaneous top removal.
- Crowd Director: Cast member 493, go. [girl on monitor takes off top to a hooting crowd]
- Man in Charge: [turning to Mike] Ah, Mr. Bonner. You look out there you see a muddy field, a rickety stage, a woefully insufficient number of porta potties and a marginally talented jam band mailing in yet another performance. Do you have any idea how much it cost to create something that looks this half assed and smells this bad? [Mike shrugs] Billions! And do you know what it takes to bring it all crashing down? One scrawny little non-paying son of a bitch like you! And we will not have it Mr. Bonner! Any questions?!?
- Mike: Umm..could you cue the topless babe again?
- Young Mike: Let me get this straight... you've got Super Mario Brothers AND all the ice cream I can eat? You just TRY and keep me out of your van, mister!
- [Gary and Mike are at a "free" bar buffet]
- Mike: Happy hour rocks! Talk about your king's banquet.
- Gary: I don't think this chicken is cooked, Mike.
- Mike: That's why it's free. [yelling towards the bar] Hey, I'll take another one of those eight dollar beers, please.
- Ben: Well hey, since I stole all your stories I thought it was only fair that I give you my fear of heights!
- Beth: How ya doing?
- Mike: Huh, I just got my ass kicked by father time. How do you think I'm doing?
- Razorkat's Lead Singer: THERE'S A PARTY IN MY PANTS, AND I KNOW YOU WANT TO DANCE!