Cpl Gabe Garza: How's it feel, motherfucker? How's it feel to be fuckin' dead?
Cpl Jason Lilley: Bro, it feels sad. I feel very alone. And also, I gotta take a shit.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Dear Frederick, thank you for your nice letter, but I am actually a U.S. Marine who was born to kill whereas clearly you have mistaken me for some sort of wine-sipping Communist dick-suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree-loving bisexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddy. War is the motherfucking answer.
Sgt Antonio 'Poke' Espera: But thanks for writing, anyway.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Aww, man, every motherfucker in this camp is just waiting for packages of dip, Ripped Fuel, porn mags, batteries, hash chunks, dirty-ass jerk-off letter from Suzy Rottencrotch, except for Brad Colbert over here, who actually thinks that his mail-order turret is gonna come in before we step off. But no, all we get is this happy-day fucking horseshit from Miss Cunt Lips' fourth grade class. Can you fucking believe this shit?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: You know, it doesn't make you gay if you think Rudy's hot. We all think he's hot.
Cpl Anthony 'Maninmal' Jacks: Did you know that wetback pussy is actually warmer than a normal, average white pussy?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: See, when Marines invade a foreign country, we've gotta buy all our own shit. Me and Brad spent 500 dollars of our own money just fixing up the Humvee. Bought our own antennas, filters, these cammie nets. We even painted it ourselves.
[Ray puts on his sunglasses]
Cpl Josh Ray Person: So yeah, homes, we pimpin'.
Cpl Walt Hasser: Stove underneath Rudy's espresso pot went off like a forty mike-mike.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: Flamed white boy's face like a rotisserie chicken.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Let me understand this. My RTO has just been burned, in his tent, by an exploding portable stove; And without my RTO I will be going to war unable to quickly and effectively establish radio communications within our unit, with other elements of the battalion, and with close air support. Is this what is happening?
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: That and they're probably gonna NJP all our asses for operating a stove in the tent against the regs.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Over an espresso maker. This platoon is going down over an espresso maker.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: People have been fightin' over this bitch since ancient times, dog. How many graves we standing on? Think about all the wisdom and science and money and civilization it took to build these machines; and the courage of all the men who came here; and the love of their wives and children that was in their hearts. And all that hate, dog. All the hate it took to blow these mother-fuckers away. It's destiny, dog - white man's gotta rule the world.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: [Grabs Trombley's boonie off his head] What the fuck is on your grape, devil dog?
LCpl Harold James Trombley: My boonie, gimmie it back!
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: You see any other Recon Marine in here wearing a soft cover?
LCpl Harold James Trombley: No.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: No. No fuckin' way, dog. I know you didn't go through BRC but boy, you gotta front. All these other grunts look up to Recon like we are cold-blooded warriors. We're carnivorous motherfuckers, dog - and you gotta carry it like that. [Hands Trombley a watch cap] Here, I got your six, boy.
Sgt Larry Shawn "Pappy" Patrick: Well, we all got jobs to do. Sgt. Maj. Sixta's job is to be an asshole... and he excels at the position.
SgtMaj John Sixta: Jesus Christ! What is you some kind of goddamn hippie faggot? What the fuck is this? Devil Dog, why the fuck is your shirt out of your regulation?
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Sergeant Major, is there a problem? My Marines have been working on that Humvee all morning!
SgtMaj John Sixta: I don't care if your Marine has a suckin' chest wound! He will not traipse around on the deck with his shirt tails hangin' out! Might just NJP all your asses!
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Yes, Sergeant Major. Corporal Person, be advised; you are expected to conduct all business in this camp in compliance with the grooming standard. By direct order of the battalion commander himself.
[Cpl Person tucks his shirt in, SgtMaj Sixta nods, then stops Sgt Patrick]
SgtMaj John Sixta: Sgt. Patrick. Your mustache hairs is in violations, growing beyond the corner of your mouth. I hear Godfather hisself say, you look like a bum. (Short pause) Police that mustache! Y'all startin' to look like Elvises!
SgtMaj John Sixta: Sgt. Patrick! On the deck! You mocking me? Hairs hangin' from your face, beyond your mouth areas. You are unsightly, unsanitary and in violations of Godfather's groomin' standards.(Short pause) You reads me!? Sergeant Patrick?! You has 'till o'dark hundred to unfuck you self!
[Unknown to SgtMaj Sixta, a Marine, with a Hitler-type mustache, goose-stepped past behind him while he was talking, his right arm raised in the Nazi salute.]
Cpl Josh Ray Person: There's layers of retardation that most people don't even know about. You should quote me on that!
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Look at this shit. How come we can't ever invade a cool country, with like chicks in bikinis, you know? How come countries like that don't ever need Marines? I'll tell you why. It's lack of pussy that fucks countries up. Lack of pussy is the root fucking cause of all global instability. If more hajis were getting quality pussy, there'd be no reason for us to come over here and fuck 'em up like this! Cause a nut-bustin' haji is a happy haji.
Evan "Scribe" Wright: [Trying not to laugh] So, this war's not about oil, or WMD's?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Nope!
Evan "Scribe" Wright: And it's not about Saddam?
Cpl Josh Ray Person: No, Saddam's just part of the problem. If you took the whole gay-ass Republican Guard and comped their asses in Vegas for a weekend- no fuckin' war! Look, if Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did on his fuckin' gay-ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than, say, Mexico.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Ray. [Ray pauses and looks at Colbert.] Please shut up. Thank you.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Wake up, Trombley. You're missing the invasion.
Cpl Gabe Garza: Hey!
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: What d'ya got?
Cpl Gabe Garza: I just waved at an Iraqi and he waved back, that was cool.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Good, Garza. Be magnanimous.
Cpl Gabe Garza: What the fuck does that mean?
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Lofty and king-like.
[1stLt Fick has waved off a group of armed Iraqis riding in white pickup trucks that approached the platoon, after being denied permission to fire on them. These Iraqis later turn out to be Fedayeen, paramilitary forces loyal to Saddam.]
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Our first contact with armed Iraqi's and we wave at 'em... like bitches.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Know what happens when you get out of the Marine Corps? You get your brains back.
SgtMaj John Sixta: Yo president is watchin'! Amerikee is watchin'! But more important: Godfather is watchin'! Make no mistake: There! Will! Be! No! Fuck-ups! Marines around this world, would gives they left nuts to be, where you are! Anybody not want to go!?
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Sergeant, I thought they were going to send us over the bridge in darkness.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Not retarded enough.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [To Person] Careful with the Ripped Fuel.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Fuck, man! I'm on thirty hours no sleep! Beat the record I made in high school when I was on the debate team.
Wright: Wait a minute, you were on the debate team?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Whats the channel for the 119s?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: [To Colbert] 6-4 and TAD 7. [To Wright] Yeah, I was really really fucking good, but all the other guys on the team thought I was high all of the time.
HM2 Robert Timothy Bryan: Where did we get that so-called translator?
1stLt Nathaniel Fick: He told me he worked for General Mattis.
Wright: He told me he worked for the CIA.
Sgt Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Back at Mathilda, he said he could hook me up with free satellite TV.
LCpl Harold James Trombley: Sergeant, I didn't get to shoot!
Cpl Josh Ray Person: That fucking sucks, Trombley. Did your recruiting officer tell you you'd get to shoot people?
LCpl Harold James Trombley: Fucking 'A' he did!
Cpl Josh Ray Person: See, Trombley asked about shooting people. I asked about pussy. The guy told me I'd get to go to Thailand, get all kinds of strange. What'd you ask about, Brad? Brad probably saw that T.V. commercial, the one with the knight that fucks up the dragon then turns into the Marine.
Cpl Walt Hasser: Woo woo! Dress blues with a sword!
Cpl Josh Ray Person: Fucking dress blues commercial man. That got so many fucking guys. Now look at us: Trombley hasn't killed anybody, I'm half a world away from good Thai pussy, and Colbert is out here rolling around fuckbutt Iraq, hunting for dragons in a MOPP suit that smells like four days of piss and ball sweat.
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Nice.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You should have rolled into battle with a sword, Brad. That would've fuckin' rocked.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Look at this, gents. Little more than 48 hours into the war and First Marine Division, out of Camp Pendleton, Oceanside, California, is rolling with impunity on Saddam's highway.
Sgt Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [on the radio] I don't copy, Hitman 2-3. I don't copy a word you're saying. [annoyed] Every time Batista gets excited, his English goes out the fucking window.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: I mean, he's not even a citizen. He snuck in from whatever fucking greaseball fucking country he's from and now he's a Marine. You know, there ought to be at least some kind of grammar test before you're off here blowing shit up with heavy weapons.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: If they did that, fucking buck-tooth cross-eyed sister-fucking hicks like you wouldn't get in either. [Josh grins]
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: That song is straight homosexual, country music, special Olympic gay.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: We're Marines. We obey our orders. Our mission now is not to do our original mission.
Cpl Gabe Garza: Semper Gumby, always flexible.
Capt Dave "Cpt. America" McGraw: Corporal, stow this next to my seat. Better be prepared, never know when you might need an AK.
GySgt Mike "Gunny" Wynn: Garza, how your legs, they all right, standing on that turret all day.
Cpl Gabe Garza: Good, Gunny. I'm Mexican, too hard to feel nothin' from that. I got retard strength.
HM2 Robert Timothy "Doc" Bryan: This lunatic doesn't even know he's in Iraq. Thinks he's a super hero, some Japanese comic.
Sgt Rodolfo "Rudy" Reyes: Hey, I put on my super hero uniform every day I'm in the Corps, brother. Oorah? It's how we find our true Dharma.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: Fifty percent of Americans are obese dog. You know what obese means, right? Fat as a motherfucker. All these other countries, nobody's fat. Think about this shit, dog. How does a motherfucker get fat? You gotta sit on the couch and do nothing but eat and watch TV all day. White trash, poor Mexicans and Blacks, all obese as motherfuckers. See, the white man has created a system with so much excess that even poor motherfuckers are fat.
Sgt Antonio "Poke" Espera: See, that's what this is all about, dog. The U.S. should just go into all these fucked up countries, Iraq, Africa, setup American government and infrastructure - McDonalds, Starbucks, MTV - Then just hand it all over. I mean, how else we gonna make these hungry motherfuckers want to stop killing everybody? Put a McDonalds on every fuckin' corner. If we gotta blow up the corner, then build the McDonalds- so be it.
Cpl Josh Ray Person: I see foot mobiles. 12 o'clock, a hundred meters. Damn. Brad, they're fuckin' hotties! I didn't know hajis could be hotties! I thought that they were all camel-faced hags! Hey, Assalamu Alaikum, ladies!
Sgt Maj. John Sixta: Groo-ming stan-dard! By first light tamorrey, I expects all y'all to be clean shaven...Heys, a lots can go wrong outs here. Lack of batt'ry, cold chow, lack of pussy; but the one thing these mens can counts on is the groomin' standard. I believe it always ought to be there for 'em.
Sgt Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Fucking officers will be the death of us yet.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Sir, the main weapon on your point vehicle is unreliable. Given the prevailing climatic conditions, using this lubricant...is like trying to buttfuck a virgin, underage Phuket whore with chalk, when K-Y is clearly called for, Sir.
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: You want logistics? Join the Army. Marines make do.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: A buddy of mine in one-seven had to fucking clean up a Humvee that got hit like that. He said he found the driver’s fingers in the engine compartment.
Evan “Scribe” Wright: How did he know they were the driver’s fingers?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Because they were still gripping the steering wheel, fucknuts.
LCpl. Harold James Trombley: Yo, lets shoot some of these dogs.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Trombley, I keep telling you, we don’t shoot dogs, we shoot people. And we generally only shoot people if we have to.
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: Dog. We was like 13 or 14, hanging around in this neighborhood I grew up in, just east of L.A. We saw some cholos from another hood. And we thought we was all hard, gang-banger wanna be’s, so we started saying “Fuck off, yo. Fuck off” Throwin’ and flashing signs to ‘em and stuff. So they started throwing down on us “Wha, wha, wha, wha”, kicking our little asses. And some of the older dogs from our hood came out, grabbed those fools. Took one behind Tasty Freeze, they stabbed him up, with a screwdriver. Killed that cholo. See, generally, white people; they don’t drag a dude behind a Tasty Freeze and stab him to death with a screwdriver. So, after that day, I decided, I’m gonna hang with white people.
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: Most people in America right now probably think of Iraq as a dangerous country. Now, if I was to stand up, I might get killed. But to us, behind this wheel, it’s pretty safe. So, to us, Iraq is a safe country, right here. I feel pretty safe. Do you feel safe?
Evan “Scribe” Wright: Pretty safe, I guess.
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: See? It’s all relative.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, looks like Saddam's big bad Republican Guard hajjis got wind I was coming. As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, "If the day does not require an AK, it is good".
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [To Cpl. Person] Then again, the world wouldn't have to deal with the prospect of you returning to your cretinous daughter-fucking trailer-park red-state shithole and producing mutant, whiskey tango, scrotum-faced, bucktoothed, zit-exploding progeny.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Gentlemen, we just seized an airfield. [grins] That was pretty fucking ninja.
Sgt. Larry Shawn “Pappy” Patrick: Sir, has any thought been given to destroying the weapons and ordnance that are sittin’ over there?
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: Actually, that did come up. But it seems the Battalion’s supply of C4 is now unaccounted for. The battalion supply truck we left last night, it is a smoldering heap of twisted metal and failed hopes in the trustworthiness of the Iraqis we are striving so hard to liberate.
Cpl. Nathan Christopher: Well, what does that mean, sir?
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: It means we’re on one meal a day.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: I’m betting that they were thinking that they could just, you know, leave a fully loaded supply truck laying around, just like you could anywhere in America, you know. I mean, you park your unlocked car in Detroit or Baltimore, I mean, your shit’s going to be there, guaranteed, when you get back from the day spa with your skin all exfoliated and shit, right. I mean, seriously homes, why would our Iraqi brethren want four hundred pounds of C4, claymores and crates of M-16’s? I mean, it just doesn’t make any sense. Oh wait, you know they could be using all that C4 for like a giant Fourth of July celebration! [Looks up at Colbert, who is sitting on the Humvee nearby] What do you think, Brad?
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: I think it's time for you to shut the fuck up.
LCpl. Harold James Trombley: Look, I didn’t mean to shoot innocent camels, alright? I’m sure I shot people.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: That's 'cause he's a psycho. But at least he's our psycho.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Damn, sucker. I just got some. Look at me, Brad, I’m a man now, just like you. Except, I don’t look like a faggot and talk all educated.
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: Captain America’s gone, dog. You see that look in his eyes? Like he’s afraid if he takes a shit hajis gonna come crawling out of his ass.
Cpt. Dave "Cpt. America" McGraw: Eric, what can I do for you?
Sgt. Eric Kocher: Sir, it’s about the enemy AK’s you’ve been firing from your vehicle. You’re endangering us. You’re not calling your targets. The AK’s sound like enemy fire.
Cpt. Dave "Cpt. America" McGraw:[laughing] Jesus Christ, Eric!
Sgt. Eric Kocher: Respectfully, sir? You fire an AK one more time, I’ll fuck you up.
Sgt. Eric Kocher: The fuck are you two retards doing? Get up on that fucking gun.
Cpl. Daniel Redman: What the fuck is Captain America doing out there?
Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: Diggin’ a hole.
Cpl. Daniel Redman: What the fuck’s he digging out there for?
Sgt. Eric Kocher: I have no idea, corporal.
Cpl. Daniel Redman: Dirty, explain this shit to me.
Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: It’s a combat jack. Captain feels the need to entrench in a solitary position before lettin’ one fly.
Cpl. Walt Hasser: Hey, where’s Brad?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Jesus fucking Christ, Walt. Are you serious? My first combat jack!
Cpl. Walt Hasser: Fuck your jack, we’re being overrun by armor!
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: He’s in his grave.
Alpha two Lt. (unnamed): Assassin, this is Assassin two actual. Over.
Cpt. Bryan Patterson: This is Assassin actual, send it.
Alpha two Lt. (unnamed): Hey, uh, we have found some indication of Iraqi armor operating in the area, but uh, evidence on which to base a BDA is inconclusive so far. Over.
Cpt. Bryan Patterson: Interrogative, by inconclusive do you mean to say that you have found no destroyed Iraqi armor?
Alpha two Lt. (unnamed): This is Assassin two actual, at this time not specifically, over.
Cpt. Bryan Patterson: Interrogative, have you found any non specific destroyed Iraqi armor?
Alpha two Lt. (unnamed): Negative, over.
Cpt. Bryan Patterson: Assassin 2, have you found any destroyed targets, military or civilian, over.
Alpha two Lt. (unnamed): Negative, we turned a lot of dirt. Over.
Cpt. Bryan Patterson: Eleven thousand pounds of ordinance dropped and we didn’t hit any armor. We didn’t destroy any villages though either. Guess that sort of goes in the win column, right?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Aw no, Christ lover at my nine.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Coming this way?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, ETA's like 10 seconds.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Like I gotta deal with this too...
Lt. Commander Bodley: Men. I'm holding a service, and I wonder if you would take comfort in pausing for a word of prayer.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Oh, no thank you Lieutenant Commander. We got the warning order, so it looks like we're going to be moving out to kill a lot more of these Godless heathens for you. But don't worry, we will not rest until the Iraqi threat to your way of worship has been completely neutralized.
Lt. Commander Bodley: I'm aware of the warning order, and it's for that reason that we're congregating right now for a brief service of...
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: The other thing is, is that my team leader here, Sgt. Colbert? Yeah, he was born a Hebrew, and remains a practicing Christ killer. So it's purely out of respect for him, I feel as though I'm going to have to forego your festive rituals.
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: I don't know why you guys are down on this shit. I'm a Christian.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Theologically speaking, Trombley, the world's been going downhill ever since man first offered entrails to the gods.
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: What's that mean? Entrails?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: That religion is gay.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: The point, Lance Corporal: we're supposed to be a recon unit of pure warrior spirit. We're out here, 40 klicks in enemy lines, and this man of God here, he's a fuckin' POG. In fact, he's an officer POG. That's one more layer of bureaucracy and unnecessary logistics, one more asshole we need to supply MREs and baby wipes for. And worst of all, worst of all, the motherfucker doesn't even carry a weapon. When push comes to shove even Rolling Stone picks up a gun but this fuckin' shill of God, he can't cover a sector, he'll never hump ammo or Claymores. This is a fuckin' war and we're here as warriors, so on top of everything else that's expected of us do we really need to drag him along and indulge in this make-believe bullshit?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Oh, no. Now not only do we have to worry about all the Charms you've eaten, but now Brad's just pissed off God.
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: Na, na, na, na, Brad. You cannot say that you like Pocahontas. The genocide of my peoples turned into a cartoon musical with a singing raccoon. I mean, think about it, dog. The real story of Pocahontas is about a bunch of white boys who come to my land, bribe the corrupt Indian chief, kill off all the warriors and fuck the Indian princess silly. Would the white man make a story about Auschwitz? Where the inmate falls in love with the guard? And they go off singing love songs, with dancing swastikas?
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Poke, what the fuck are you anyway? You wife is half white, you talk like you’re black, Most of your friends are fucking white and, every once in a while, when you feel like it, you throw in with the Indians. Is it just you’re whatever race happens to be cool at the moment?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Shit man, it’s really pretty country out here.
Evan “Scribe” Wright: Except for the mortars.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, but they’re random. I mean, come on man, It’s not like anybody’s scoping you with an AK or anything, it’s not personal like that. You really gotta let some of this shit go.
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: I know this may sound weird but deep down, I kinda wanted to know what it feels like to get shot. I mean, not actually shot but, I don’t know, I just get more nervous watching a game show at home on T.V. than I do here, in all this, you know.
1stLt. Nathaniel “Nate” Fick: I know this looks like some Blackhawk Down shit we’re doin’, but we’ll be the ones initiating contact, not the bad guys.
Evan “Scribe” Wright: Sergeant Colbert, I was thinking, those trees over there behind us, maybe the guys who fired at us were in them.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: As much as I appreciate Rolling Stone’s tactical input, I’m confident in the birds.
Evan “Scribe” Wright: Birds?
Cpl. Gabe Garza: Anything moves in those trees, birds don’t sing.
Cpl. James Chaffin: Better watch your face Ray, Rudy’s got the espresso pot brewing.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, it’s obvious I was wrong about invading Iraq for NAMBLA. Turns out we’re actually here to setup a forward Starbucks. And Christ, look, we’ve already inserted our fruity barista, thank you very much. Now, all we need is like some really shitty fucking music playing, like Norah Jones; a couple of high school girls getting super fat on iced lattes; a homeless guy trying to scam a key to the restroom; and some faggot writing his novel on a laptop.
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Hey Person, didn't your mom put your picture up on the Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Yep. My grandma did when I went to Afghanistan. I'm on the Nevada, Missouri Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes. I even got my dress blues on.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: If my mother ever distributed my likeness without written authorization, I would disown her.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Technically speaking, Brad, but... didn't your biological parents disown you when they put you up for adoption?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Point, Ray. I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper middle-class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art and a socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a whiskey tango trailer park by a bow-legged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck driver.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: At least my mom took me to NASCAR!
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Your dad's a truck driver?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [regarding Ray Person] Need I remind you that he is the best damn RTO in the business? As long as you keep him away from your uglier daughters and your smaller livestock.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: And I fucking mean it about the country music.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: You know Brad, you're right. Now isn't an appropriate time for country music. I was thinking a little more old-school R&B... because look -- I'm Stevie Wonder! [lowers night vision goggles] Blind as a motherfucker in my piece of shit NVGs! [singing] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Goddamn Baptista! How the fuck would he like it if I joined the Brazilian Marines and only spoke English?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Lilley! What the fuck?! Would you please BACK the FUCK UP!?!
Cpt. Dave "Captain America" McGraw: "How's it feel now you filthy motherfuckers!? Goddamn dirty hajji motherfuckers trying to fuck with me? FUCK YOU! That's what you get when you try to ambush Marines, motherfucker, you get DEAD! Fucking bitch!
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Did you know people shiver when they have an excess of adrenaline? Cuts the blood flow or something. They taught us that in SOI.
Evan “Scribe” Wright: Is that what happens to you?
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: No, I get a woody.
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: What the fuck is wrong with you dog? What is it with you white boys? Leave you alone for ten minutes and you go all Lord of the Flies and shit.
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: Lt.’s boys are eatin’ some weird-ass meat over there. It’s like Jeffrey Dahmer’s picnic. Makes you appreciate shit. Makes you appreciate shit like good old-fashioned [reads MRE label] chunk formed meat patties.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: What kind of goddamn sadists work at the MRE factory? Ten days and nothing but peanut butter. When the fuck am I gonna get a jalapeno cheese?
1stLt. Nathaniel Fick: Walt, finish your report, get it to me asap. You did nothing wrong, but... we're gonna see if there's a better way to stop these cars.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Walt's got a great way, LT. Shoot the driver, stop the car.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: This is really interesting, Brad. You know, Iraqis don't really seem good at fighting, but then they never really completely surrender either.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Put down that fucking milkshake and dig a fucking hole.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Why, so I can be more like the teacher's pet?
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Yeah, that's exactly it. You should be more like Trombley.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: More like Trombley? [shouts] MORE LIKE TROMBLEY?!
Marines: [chanting] Whopper Jr.! Whopper Jr.!
["Whopper Jr." meaning "Baby Killer"]
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: I want you to know you done good, Tony. You earned a lot of reputation in the recon community as my ATL. You always had my six and... I just want you to know that I really appreciate that. And it's been, uh--
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: You realize the shit that we've done here? The people we've killed? Back in the civilian world, dog, if we did this... we would go to prison.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Poke, you're thinking like a Mexican again. Think like a white man. Over there they'll be laying on medals for what we did.
[Marines are cheering and catcalling a female Marine sitting on the back of a truck.]
Cpl. Anthony 'Manimal' Jacks : I'm gonna hit that shit!
Cpl. Evan 'Q-Tip' Stafford : You must be wearing your desert goggles, that ain't nothing but a piece of nappy-haired Whiskey Tango.
Cpl. James Chaffin: He's right, man, you ain't hittin' shit. W.M. like that, nah, she be wearing kevlar panties nailed on top of a concertina wire bush.
Cpl. Anthony 'Manimal' Jacks : Yeah, well, I'm gonna do a recon poo. I'm gonna make a path for all you motherfuckers.
Cpl. James Chaffin: Shit, man, can you imagine the stank on that cunt?
Cpl. Anthony 'Manimal' Jacks : That is exactly where I am going. Yes sir, I'm going to go down on her like she got all of Saddam's WMDs just buried right between her legs [pulls out his gas mask and starts "eating it out] Brrr!
Cpl. James Chaffin: You better dig deep! Oh yeah, baby. Get in there, Jacks. Give it a little tap! Pat it, pat it!
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: It's not that bad over here. Don't kill yourself like that.
[Manimal puts on the gas mask]
Cpl. James Chaffin: Shit, go get it baby. Get some for old J.C. Get Some!
[Manimal starts walking over to the female ]
Cpl. James Chaffin: Oh, shit. Smash!
Sgt. Major John Sixta: [stops Manimal] Belays that, Devil Dog! You's a squealin'..like a bunch of butt-fucked Vassar bitches! Un-fuck yourselves! or we gon' suffer the spectacle of a W.M. with a bunch of horny Devil Dogs trailin' her stern! Get yourselves squared up here! [Turns to Manimal] Corporal. Youse inapporpriatin' your chemical filtration device by attemptin' fornication wi' it! Jesus, do I have to tell you not to desecrate your mask with perversions!? [To the group of Marines nearby] Where the fuck are your helmets?!
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [running around a field with his arms outstretched like an airplane]
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: What, did you, like, give him some Rolling Stone drugs or something?
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: I don't know.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: What the fuck did you do to him?
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Just asked him what he would be if he wasn't a Marine.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Oh my God, he wants to be a ballerina? That's my fucking dream!
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: There's something I've been keeping from you. I wasn't sure we were gonna live to share this moment.
Sergeant Antonio 'Poke' Espera: Check it, bro. The men all sit around talking shit, the women are all working.
Corporal Jason Lilley: Brah, if we fight the women instead of the men, we'd get our asses kicked.
Evan Wright: The secret to great porn is that you never want to see the guys, not their faces.
Trombley: What if he eats her out? How can you not see his face?
[A group of the Marines are opening letters from the U.S.; "Manimal" is saddened and infuriated that his wife is divorcing him.]
Cpl. Anthony "Manimal" Jacks: Shit, I'd like to call in some danger close on my wife. That's for fuckin' sure. [Kicks a stack of gear furiously] Maybe fly some Cobras up her fuckin' lawyer's ass, too!
[Gunnery Sergeant Wynn and Sergeant Major Sixta are watching, standing in the background.]
GSgt. Mike Wynn: It ain't all joy and laughter, is it? Mail call kinda brings it all home.
SgtMaj. John Sixta: If morale gets really bad, Mike, let me know. I'll stir 'em up good with the grooming standard. [Winks]
GSgt. Mike Wynn: I'll let you know.
[SgtMaj. John Sixta nods and walks away.]
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: It looks like vodka. I think it's a kind of gin.
1stLt. Nathaniel Fick: [Walking by with Gunny Wynn] It's the kind that doesn't come out when officers and senior NCO's are present.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Where the fuck have you been? You haven't said two words since Baghdad.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: No more Ripped Fuel. [Looks around him] Man. It seems no matter where we go as Marines... it's always some fuckin' shithole.
[Evan Wright is getting ready to leave; he stops by Colbert's team to say goodbye.]
Evan "Scribe" Wright: Well, I'll see y'all. [A sentry offscreen shoots a wild dog with a shotgun; Wright pauses awkwardly.] Uh... thanks.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: Stay frosty.
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: See Sergeant, we do shoot dogs in Iraq.
Evan "Scribe" Wright: Colonel.
LtCol Stephen "Godfather" Ferrando: So what'd you see, reporter? [Wright pauses, unsure where to start] No other military in the world can do what we do. The Marines are America's shock troops. There anything you wanna ask me before you unhitch your wagon?
Evan "Scribe" Wright: Captain Americ- [Ferrando looks at him strangely] Captain McGraw, sir.
LtCol Stephen "Godfather" Ferrando: All right, now- he walked a fine line. Okay? But in the end, he was within the box of acceptable behavior. But in my mind, when you allow that type of behavior to progress, you end up with a My Lai. [Glances at Wright] You think I should've taken a harsher action.
Evan "Scribe" Wright: Two attempted bayonetings.
LtCol Stephen "Godfather" Ferrando: But no prisoners actually wounded. All right; now, I wasn't there to see what happened, and I have conflicting reports from those who were. But we're in a war zone, reporter. And if I expect my subordinates to remain effective in combat, then I have to show them trust. Until it's proven to me- beyond any doubt- that they are undeserving of that trust. Now, the same support I extend to Captain McGraw, is extended to all my officers. Lieutenant Fick, for example. I'm sure you're aware that there's some in this battalion who feel that Lieutenant Fick is unfit for command.
Evan "Scribe" Wright: [Laughs] You should consider your sources, sir.
[Ferrando leans back, waving this aside.]
LtCol Stephen "Godfather" Ferrando: So what happens to my command if I respond to every complaint made against one of my men? [He pauses] It's a terrible feeling, to be the man sending other people into combat. Terrible feeling. But something else I'm struggling with... is the excitement I felt. Getting shot at. That's something I just didn't anticipate about war.
[Rudy Heyes and Josh Person have gotten into a fight while the Marines were playing a football game; Marines separate the two and break up the fight.]
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Goddamnit, Rudy! You fucking PTSD psycho! You're just like every other jock piece of shit in high school! [Shoves at the Marines holding onto him] Get the fuck offa me!
[Person storms off, visibly furious.]
Sgt. Antonio "Poke" Espera: Maybe we shouldn't play football anymore.
Sgt. Brad "Iceman" Colbert: [Catching up with Ray] You all right?
Cpl. Anthony "Manimal" Jacks: Goddamnit, Rudy. Go to your little quiet place and chant, motherfucker.
Sergeant Antonio 'Poke' Espera: The priest told me it's not a sin to kill if you don't enjoy killing. My question is whether indifference is the same as enjoyment.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: All religious stuff aside, the fact is, people who can't kill will always be subject to those who can.
[SgtMaj. Sixta is watching the men of Bravo Company celebrate the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime]
SgtMaj. Sixta: Y'all gets a free pass on the hooch tonight. But tomorry, y'all tighten up your assholes.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey Rudy! My sister wants her shorts back!