George Lopez (TV series)

George Lopez (2002–2007) was an American sitcom starring comedian George Lopez. The show is focused on the Lopez family, including his wife Angie Lopez played by Constance Marie, and their two kids.

Season 1

Prototype [1.01]

Max: What's a period?

George: It's a bullet we dodge. Go get ready.

[Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]

Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.

George: What are you doing?

[George takes the hot dogs]

Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn. Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!

George: Didn't you change the blade?

Carmen: No. Was I supposed to?

George: Sweetheart, that was the blade we used to shave Grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.

Carmen: Oh, my God!

Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.

[Carmen leaves relieved]

George: It wasn't a lie.

Curious George [1.02]

George: [to Duncan] Look, Where I come from, we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl and I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think, "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now, Duncan?

Duncan: Watching me, sir?

George: There you go! That wasn't so bad, was it?

Happy Birthdays [1.03]

George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?

Angie: What?

George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?

Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.

Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

Max's Big Adventure [1.04]

Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?

George: No.

Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!

George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!

Benny: I don't know why they're making these kids do a play on staying away from strangers, that is a parent's job. I'll give you my play, "Everyone is Bad". Thank you, thank you.

George: Mom, this is important. You didn't teach me any of this stuff! All you told me was if a stranger comes up to you, start speaking Spanish. That didn't make me safe, that made me exotic!

Benny: Hey, I have a question.

Teacher: Yes?

Benny: That sign outside, "No smoking", Is that just for the kids, or for everybody?

Teacher: That's for everyone.

Benny: How long is the play?

Teacher: Just under 20 minutes.

Benny: I'll catch it on Broadway.

George: Angie, this is ridiculous, what's he gonna learn from this, how to operate a VCR?

Angie: George, you know what my favorite part of the play was? When you walked up to the teacher afterwards and demanded your tax dollars back.

George: Come on Angie, you think that play helped Max? The only thing he's ready for is a tiny kid in a fake mustache who can't stop looking at the audience. He's not walking to school by himself.

Angie: George, It's only 4 blocks!

George: A lot can happen in 4 blocks. He has no idea what's going on out there. He wasn't like me when I was a kid, Angie! He's totally sheltered. At least with me, I grew up in a rough neighborhood surrounded by criminals, I was lucky!

Benny: I'll tell you your problem.

Angie: Can a day go by when you don't say that?

Benny: You already ruin your kids by coddling them. George was always very independent. He was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.

George: I was looking for food!

George: I don't care what Angie says. I don't think Max is ready to walk to school until he learns about the real world.

Benny: I'll tell you what I did when you were a kid. I used to read the newspaper to you right before bed. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You'd say, "He's not coming here, is he Mommy?" And then I'd look at the paper and tell you, "It doesn't say..."

George: Yeah, I remember. No Green Eggs in Ham, no Cat in the Hat, just, "Nut kills 12", night night!

Benny: Okay, you can laugh, but it worked!

George: Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max: What's the movie?

George: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.

Angie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?

George: Not compared to them. Angie, this is how kids learn, they watch scary stuff, they'll get nightmares, they'll learn to be careful!

Season 2

Who's Your Daddy? [2.01]

Angie: Where is the water and shelter for this animal?

Homeless Man: It's in my vacation box at the beach.

Token of Unappreciation [2.02]

Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.

Carmen: But she won't be there!

George: Oh, see that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.

[George and Angie talk to Carmen]

Angie: Look, honey, I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.

George: Who was that?

Angie: You don't know him.

[George straightens up]

George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.

Show Dyslexic The [2.03]

Mrs. Wilder: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.

Angie: He's a joy at home.

George: You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.

Mrs. Wilder: Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?

George: ...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."

Halloween Cheer [2.04]

Angie: You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.

George: Hooliganism? How old is that report?

The Unnatural [2.05]

Ernie: Hey, what are you doing?

George: Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.

Ernie: Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.

Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]: Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.

George: "Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."

Ernie: Well, at least it grabs you.

George: Yeah, but where?

No Free Launch [2.06]

[Debbie knocks on the door at George's house]

Angie [waving at Debbie]: Oh no, that's Debbie Mickens with the PTA coming to collect the money.

George: "Collect the money"? What is she, the mob?

Angie: Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.

George: Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.

Angie: Sign it.

George: ...25 anniversary gifts.

The Wedding Dance [2.07]

Curtis: Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?

George: Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.

Curtis: Your mom's behind you, G.

George [yelling]: TURNS OUT HE'S ALIVE. MY MOM'S LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.

Love Bites [2.08]

[When George and Angie are showing Carmen pictures of sexually transmitted diseases]

George: This is gonorrhea! [Carmen squeezes her eyes shut and moans] Bet you're not glad now you talked me into getting that color printer. [to Angie] The red really pops.

Benny [to Carmen] Your father didn't ruin my life. I ruined my life. Look, when you're young, you meet a guy who seems great and you forget about what's right or wrong and go to bed with him, and it's pretty good!

George: Mom!

Benny: I'm not going to lie. But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while all the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him. [points to George]

George [about Adam]: Angie, does that moron have a hickey?

Angie: Yep.

Carmen: Run, Adam!

Angie: You better run, moron!

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey [2.09]

George: I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!

Angie: You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?

George: Oh. Take your time, kids.

Carmen: What's up?

George: I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.

Max: Really?

George: I might have even found you two grandpas!

Charity [2.10]

Marisol: [on the phone] Hey Junior. Nah, that was that fool I was telling you about. It's okay, I can talk.

....I know huh? I know huh? I know huh!

[George hangs up the phone]

Marisol: Hey! That wasn't cool!

George: I KNOW HUH! Sorry, no personal calls at work!

Benny: [referring to Marisol] How's it going with Miss Home Invasion over here?

George: I never should've let Angie talk me into bringing this girl here! She's sarcastic, she's rude... she's like you but with estrogen!

Benny: I told you it was a bad idea to take her into your home, and it's a bad idea to bring her to work!

[phone rings, Marisol answers]

Marisol: Powers Brothers Aviation....[to George] It's Mrs. Lopez.

George: Oh, that's for me.

Marisol: Sorry, no personal calls at work. [hangs up phone]

Benny: I like her.

George: What's with all the seniors? I can handle dog smell but old people smell?

Angie: They're part of "Operation Christmas Rescue", they're wrapping gifts for disadvantaged children.

George: This is your third new charity, I thought you were only going to do a couple hours a week?

Angie: Well the gang people introduced me to the clothesdry people and it's really hard to say no when you're needed so much!

George: Alright, but just don't bring any of your charity cases in my office.

Angie: Why? What happened with Marisol?

George: She's horrible! You know that guy who got fired and then came back to try and shoot up the plant? HE had a better attitude!

Angie: You're just overreacting!

George: Oh yeah? Well her and Ernie were playing chicken with forklifts, except Ernie wasn't even in a forklift, he was just running.

George: [to Angie] I thought we were gonna watch movies tonight, I already rented some.

Angie: Well I can't right now, George.

George: Oh, this changes everything, I coulda gotten a movie I like. Instead of one that"ll..."Touch your heart and celebrate the triumph of the human- [snores]"

Angie: Alright, alright, that is IT. A week ago, you guys didn't need me for anything but as soon as I find something I wanna do, you're helpless! Carmen, there's a sewing book by the machine, FIGURE IT OUT. And Max, I bet if you cleaned your room, you would find your bookbag, and George, make your own dinner and watch your CHICK FLICK. Everybody stop asking me to do things you could be doing on your own! I swear I've never met a more selfish bunch of people. [storms off]

[the seniors stare]

George: What are you looking at, mind your own buisness.

[the seniors continue staring]

George: I said mind your own buisness!

Angie: [comes back] THEY'RE DEAF, GEORGE.

George: Were there any calls?

Marisol: Yeah.

George: Well, who called?

[Marisol hands over a note with the messages she wrote down]

George [reading from the note]: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating." That doesn't make any sense.

Marisol: I know, huh?

George: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!

Marisol: Hey! Now this other message makes sense!

George [reading from Marisol's other note]: "You missed your heating."

Meet the Cuban Parents [2.11]

George: Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?

Max: Yeah!

George: Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Max [running to Vic]: Grandpaaaa!

This Old Casa [2.12]

Benny: Oh, hey, Mr. Peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

[George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]

Angie: This is a big job. Shouldn't you hire professionals?

George: Professionals?! Angie, please! I got this!

Super Bowl [2.13]

[Benny and Angie are talking about George]

Benny: Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.

Angie: He never told me that. Did something happen?

Benny: Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.

Angie: Like what?

Benny: Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.

Angie: Mm-hmm.

Benny: And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.

Angie: And what did you say?

Benny: I said no. I said, "When you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault. Science let me down.

The Valentine's Day Massacre [2.14]

Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but halfway through, it started looking like a monkey with boobs.

Marisol: I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!

Ernie: Oh, yeah? Well, get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!

Girl Fight [2.15]

[Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]

Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!

George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!

Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir.

Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?

George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wuss!

Adam: Hey, I am not a wuss. [George rips Adam's poem in half] My poem!

George: [to Adam] You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.

Adam: Who's Justin?

George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...

[Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]

George: So I walk in and there he is, Tommy "Rango" Durango, can you believe that? The conflict manager is my bully from grade school!

Angie: I would have loved to have met him George but SOMEBODY didn't wait for our E-ppointment.

George: I'm sorry Angie but I couldn't wait. You know this guy tells me that Carmen's problems are gonna blow over...but now I'm starting to think he's doing nothing on purpose to get back at me.

Angie: Why would he do that?

[flashback to when George, Ernie and Durango are in grade school.]

Durango: If I get expelled for this, you're dead! You hear me? DEAD!

George: [laughing] Don't drop the soap!

Ernie: What does that mean?

George: I dunno.

[they both walk off, cut back to the present]

Angie: Come on George, you're being paranoid! I mean who holds a grudge for 30 years?

George: So you're not still mad that I forgot to wear my jacket in our wedding photo?

Angie: No.

George: Doesn't bother you at all.

Angie: Nope.

George: So you're over it?

Angie: Of course not. I'm just glad that the happiest day of my life was just Casual Saturday to you. Every time I walk by that picture, I die a little.

George: Well I'm glad you're still over it.

[Carmen walks in the house all bloodied up]

George: Carmen, what happened?

Carmen: I got into a fight with Piper. She kept called me a slut and then she pushed me.

Angie: Honey are you okay? You have blood on you!

Carmen: That's Piper's.

George: Really?

Carmen: Yeah, I punched her in the nose.

George: DAMN, my girl's a scrapper!

Angie: George!

George: Angie let me have this, she drew blood!

Carmen: I didn't start the fight, I didn't even WANT to fight her but, ugh, she made me. You believe me, right?

George: Of course we do

Carmen: Good, cause Mr. Durango didn't. I'm suspended.

Angie: Wait, YOU'RE suspended? That's not right.

George: See Angie, I told you, he's paying me back by getting at my daughter, you still think I'm being paranoid?

Benny: [walks in] Hey what's going on?

George: Carmen got in a fight, Mom.

Benny: Look, you have blood on you!

Carmen: That's the other girl's.

Benny: DAMN, my granddaughter's a scrapper!

George: Mom, we don't encourage violence in this house. [they secretly highfive]

Angie: Benny, take Carmen upstairs and help her clean up.

Benny: Sure. Let's go champ. [takes her upstairs]

Angie: Okay, I agree this Rango guy has a history with you and maybe he even thinks he can still bully you, but he has NOT messed with me before. He is gonna fix this and fix it now.

George: Don't tell you're going back to the website?

Angie: To HELL with the e-ppointment! When my baby gets hurt, I go medieval, we're going over there.

George: Lemme get my jacket-

Angie: Oh NOW you remember your jacket!

[at Carmen's school]:

Angie: Mr Durango, I'm Angie Lopez, you know "Spuds" [points to George]

Durango: Glad you're here. We need to talk about your daughter?

George: Look man, no more talking. I told you i wanted those girls brought in and you didn't, and my daughter got hurt. NOW you're gonna do something starting with unsuspending Carmen.

Durango: I can't do that.

Angie: Yes you can, Carmen is the victim here.

Durango: She is not. I spoke to Piper and the other girls who were there, Carmen started the fight.

George: What?

Angie: That doesn't make any sense.

Durango: It does if you know that Adam broke up with Carmen to go out with Piper.

Angie: Piper and her friends are lying to you.

Durango: Well you're not exactly an unbiased party. So unless you have a witness to back up Carmen's story, I have to take Piper's word.

[Later on, Adam's now in the room]:

Adam: I started the rumor about Carmen because she broke up with me, then I saw Piper and her friends making fun of Carmen.

George: And?

Adam: Piper's lying. I saw her push Carmen and throw the first punch. She started the fight.

Durango: And no one put you up to this?

Adam: No sir.

Durango: Okay. Mr and Mrs Lopez, I'll take to the vice principal and I'll get Carmen's suspension reversed. I'm sorry.

George: Carmen, get down here!

Angie: (to Benny) So, how did it go with the kids?

Benny: Was I babysitting?

Angie: Yes.

Benny: In that case, they were a handful. You owe me twenty bucks.

George: Carmen, good news.

Angie: You're not suspended. Piper is.

George: You can go back to school. Mr. Durango's gonna make sure none of the kids ever mess with you again.

Carmen: I'm not going back.

Angie: Carmen, everything is gonna be better now. Adam's gonna tell everyone that he lied.

Carmen: You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.

Angie: Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away. [Carmen walks over to the answering machine and turns it on]

Teenage Boy: [over the answering machine] Yeah. This is Jason. I'd like to leave a message for the school whore. [he and another boy start laughing]

George: Who are those boys? I'll get 'em suspended.

Carmen: [starts to cry] Then suspend everybody! You know what else happened today? A boy followed me in the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to do it!

Angie: [as she tries to comfort Carmen] Honey...

Carmen: Another boy pulled up my shirt when I was walking down the hall! [cries] Please don't make me go back. Please! [hugs George as she cries]

George: It's okay, baby. We'll figure something out. Go upstairs so your mom and I can talk. [Carmen goes upstairs]

Angie: She's not wrong. She can never get her reputation back.

George: I don't want to see her suffer like this for three more years.

Angie: Me either. What are you thinking?

George: Private school.

Angie: That's what I was thinking. Can we afford it?

George: No. We'll have to sell the boy.

George vs. George [2.16]

George: Is there a George Lopez here?

George II: You got it, man.

George: So you're George Lopez?

George II: If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.

George: [taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?

George II: I didn't say my middle name.

George: No, you didn't, did you?

[George II stands up, concerned]

George II: Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.

George: Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.

George II: Dude, what are you talking about?

George: You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?

[George II gets his wallet out]

George II: [shows his license] It's George Lopez.

George: Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?

George II: Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.

George: Why not?

George II: Somebody might steal my identity.

[puts it with the others]

George: Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.

George & George II: 849-220-6460.

[George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]

George: Oh, no, you're good.

George II: Look, I don't know how this is happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.

George: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.

George II: Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.

[George walks out]

A Kiss is Just a Kiss [2.17]

Max: Aunt Gloria kissed Dad!

Angie: That's how people say goodbye, Max.

Max: No, in the garage last night.

George: Ohh...

Angie: What?!

Max: In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.

George: Left the city, man. Not the porch!

Profiles in Courage [2.18]

Jack: You like me?

George: Not really.

Jack: That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.

George: Thank you, Jack.

Secrets and Lies [2.19]

Gina: Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.

Benny: Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.

Girls Night Out [2.20]

Angie [to Max]: Hey honey, you hungry? I made some veggie burgers. I got one left!

Max: No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie: ...What?!

Max: That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George: Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max: Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

Benny: You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

Max [to George]: Can I get a gun permit?

George: Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

[George and Angie are mad at Carmen]

George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"

Angie: [to Marisol] I don't believe you. I bring you into my home and you betray me? There are two things that are keeping me from tearing into you right now, my son is sleeping next door and I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass.

Marisol: I was only trying to help Carmen.

Angie: Help Carmen? You could have got her killed. You weren't just going to a club, you were out looking for your psycho boyfriend.

Marisol: I wasn't looking for Junior.

Angie: Oh yeah? You don't know where he hangs out? You were shocked to run into him?

Marisol: I don't know, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Get out of my way, prom queen.

Angie: No, and you are NOT dealing with the prom queen, I was first runner-up.

Marisol: [sarcastically] Wow, it's like we've lived the same life.

Angie: I don't want to hear how tough you've had it. You already quit the gang, you got a job and if it were me, I would start to feel better about myself but I guess you still think you deserve a guy who treats you like CRAP.

Marisol: Hey, you don't know how hard it was to leave him.

Angie: Noooo, you're right, it's much easier to stay and be abused. GO AHEAD, throw your life away, cause I don't give a damn anymore. [leaves room]

Marisol: [mutters] I screwed up, I'm sorry.

Angie: [enters back in quickly] Now that you've apologized, we can work on your self esteem, I'll talk to George about you staying, nighty night. [closes door again]

Angie: Where's Carmen? I want to talk to her.

George: I told her to stay in the living room until Marisol's gone.

Angie: Listen, I'm sorry, this was all my fault.

George: Nice try but you're not getting anything out of me.

Angie: George, it's not a trick, it's my fault, you can agree with me.

George: So we're never helping anyone out ever again?

Angie: Never.

George: If someone's on the side of the road and they're dying, what do we do?

Angie: Drive on by.

George: And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?

Angie: Wait until nightfall and let the coyotes get it!

George: [laughs] That's my girl. Well in about 10 minutes, This will all be over once Marisol's out of the house.

Angie: Hey, listen about that-

George: [interrupts her] NOOOO.

Angie: You don't even know what I was gonna say! I got an idea.

I Only Have Eyes for You [2.21]

George: Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?

Angie: No, I think they love us both equally.

[Max comes downstairs]

George: Hey Max.

Max: Hey dad.

George: Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.

Angie: George!

Team Leader [2.22]

Benny: Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow because he's a shooter.

George: They're not firing anybody. They're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.

Benny: Ernie? Well, he can't lead a fly to dog poop!

George Has Two Mommies [2.23]

[after Max and Ricky burned down the garage]

George: [to Benny] What the hell were you thinking? How many times have I told you that this isn't putting out a cigarette?

Benny: It wasn't me. I flick it to the neighbor's yard like decent people.

George: [to Carmen] What the hell were you thinking?

Carmen: Why are you accusing me?

George: You snuck out of the house, you got a hicky, you smoked a cigarette, you are one hard lemonade away from arson.

Max: I did it.

George: I knew it. [to Carmen] What did you do to make your brother burn the garage down?

Max: Ricky gave me a bottle rocket, and I shot it off, but I didn't know it would land on the garage. I'm really sorry, Dad.

George: Sorry doesn't cut it. You can say goodbye to your allowance for the next year.

Max: But Dad...

George: No, I don't want to hear it. Max, you destroyed the garage. [realizes] Oh, man, my golf clubs! No, I put them in the car. No, I put them in the garage to clean them! No, I put them back. I don't remember!

Angie: Come on you guys, let's just try to forget about the money and have some breakfast. How about some scrambled eggs, we'll call my dad for a loan and maybe some french toast?

George: No, I'm not taking money from your dad.

Angie: Okay, okay. Then how about some waffles, please just swallow your pride, and maybe some orange juice?

Long Time No See [2.24]

George: Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?

Benny: Yes.

George: What?

Benny: Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.

Season 3

Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 1) [3.01]

Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 2) [3.02]

The Cuban Missus Crisis [3.03]

Feel the Burn [3.04]

Carmen's Dating [3.05]

George: Angie, your dad's been here for a month, how long is he gonna stay?

Angie: We can't kick him out while he's getting over the divorce, he's staying here as long as he needs to. End of discussion.

George: Alright.

Benny: (to Angie) Hey, now I know what you've been knitting, a to-go bag for my son's huevos.

Carmen: [to George & Angie] You guys are the best parents in the whole world!

George: No.

Carmen: No, what?

George: You want something and the answer is no. You're just too young.

Carmen: You don't even know what it is.

George: What is it?

Carmen: I wanna date.

George: No, you're just too young. Angie, I got it right!

Jason: I'm here to see Carmen.

George: Are you sure you can be here? The super popular kids might see you! You could lose your reputation and have to eat lunch with.. the debate team!

Jason: I'm captain of the debate team.

George: Hey J-Man, what's up?

Jason: What's up, man?

George: Wait up for Carmen.

Jason: Carmen? (looks at her) Oh yeah... I've seen you in the cafeteria, nice to meet you.

George: That's how you treat your girlfriend?

Jason: Girlfriend? Yeah right. (walks off with his friends)

Carmen: ...I'm going home! (runs off)

Angie: Carmen!

George: Follow her and make sure she's alright, I'll deal with Jason. (gets out of the car) It's bad enough to ignore my daughter but I thought we had something. "What's up, man?" I don't think so. Yo, Breakfast Club!

George: What happened out there? Why did you pretend not to know my daughter?

Jason: Mr. Lopez, I really like Carmen. Come on, you gotta believe me. I know I must have looked bad out there.

George: Bad? Jason, you humiliated her!

Jason: But I didn't want to, it's just that...Okay look. Carmen's new at Allendale right, and my friends, we already have our own group. I honestly intended on taking her out but... you know...who she is and who I am-

George: Come on, man, get to the point.

Jason: We really can't be seen together in public.

George: Look, my daughter deserves respect, and since you can't give it to her, you're not allowed to see her again, you understand me?

Jason: Maybe you should leave that up to Carmen.

George: You know, man, I knew cool guys like you in high school. You know what happened to them? They peaked at 17 and the rest of their lives were all downhll from there, so go ahead homeboy, protect your big reputation while you can. I'd hate to see you're gonna be 5 years from now.

Jason: I have an early admission to Stanford.

George: You couldn't get into any schools around here, could you? Alright, what about 10 years from now, fool?

Jason: I hope to open a charitable organization to assist people in wheelchairs.

George: Tired of driving your brother around huh? Selfish, you disgust me.

George: (knocks on Carmen's door) Carmen, I wanna talk to you.

Carmen: Go away, I already told Mom I don't want to talk about it.

George: I talked to Jason.

Carmen: (opens door) What did you say to him?

George: Don't worry, I told him it was over and he couldn't see you again.

Carmen: Why would you do that?

George: I'm helping you! You know what he said to me? He said he couldn't be seen with you because you're not one of the popular girls.

Carmen: That was our deal.

George: ...What?!

Carmen: He was trying to protect me. Jason is super popular. If the popular girls found out we were dating, they'd be really mean to me. So when other people were around, we"d pretend not to know each other. He didn't want me to get hurt.

George: Oh, well, thank God there's a logical explanation, I mean I thought you were being used. You're right, he is sweet.

Carmen: You just don't understand.

George: Carmen, this kid doesn't care about you, he's embarrassed to be seen with you! Where's your self respect?

Carmen: I'm gonna call him.

George: No.

Carmen: Yes. (reaches for the phone)

George: Carmen, NO. (snatches phone away) Listen. Your mother was a lot more popular than me but she took me everywhere. No matter how ashamed she was.

Carmen: I'm gonna see Jason again.

George: Where? He won't be seen with you in public, Carmen, and he's not coming here.

Carmen: He'll find a way.

(puts on headphones)

George: (under his breath) Man, sometimes you're dumber than the dog. (leaves room)

Carmen: The song ended.

George: (turns around) ...Love you.

George: [to Carmen] You want to see what happens when you start dating boys too early? [points at Benny] That!

Benny: You know what, I wasn't so much dating boys at 15 as....

George: Mom!

Benny: Having sex with them. What did you think I was gonna say?

Split Decision [3.06]

No One Gets Out Alive [3.07]

Bringing Home The Bacon [3.08]

Fishing Cubans [3.09]

Would You Like a Drumstick or a Kidney? [3.10]

Mementos [3.11]

Christmas Punch [3.12]

Why You Crying? [3.13]

Max: (to Benny after she threw his ball away from him): You know, I got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired ass home?! (Benny slaps Max on his face in front of his friends)

The Trouble with Ricky [3.14]

George: What's Ricky doing here? You know he's not allowed in the house.

Max: I know, but he needed a ride to the game.

Ricky: Mr. Lopez, can't you forgive me?

George: Forgive you? You burned down my garage!

George: You did it this time, Max. You're grounded for sneaking Ricky in the house.

Angie: He's already grounded for skateboarding in the house.

George: All right, then no video games for a month.

Angie: We took them away for eavesdropping on the phone calls.

George: Allowance?

Angie: Took it away when they burned down the garage.

George: Okay, you leave me no choice. For the rest of the month... You're not allowed to use your hands.

[after Max and Ricky drove George's car into the backyard]

George: How the hell did that happen?

Max: Well, we were trying to surprise you and wash your car, but the hose is too short. I love you, Dad.

George: Look, I want the truth.

Ricky: Okay. Here's what happened. We ditched school. But it was lucky because two gangbangers were stealing your car. We scared them away. But when we tried to put the car back in the driveway, we crashed, so I guess you're welcome, Mr. Lopez.

George: [to Max] You, you're going back to school. We'll deal with this tonight. [to Ricky] And you, you're out of here, man. I'm taking you back to your mother. And say goodbye to Max. Because that's the last time you're gonna see him. Do you know you could've killed someone?

Ernie: Wow. Hey, your mom sits out here. What if she was in that chair?

George: Don't try to cheer me up.

[George, Ernie and Ricky arrive at the apartment]

George: Hey, you two wait here. I wanna talk to his mom alone.

Ernie: All right.

[George leaves them and goes to find Tammy]

Ernie: You know, that was a pretty stupid stunt you two pulled.

Ricky: I know. Do you think he'll ever let me see Max again?

Ernie: He's pretty mad, Ricky.

Ricky: Max is my best friend.

Ernie: Hey, you know what? Once George cools down, I'll try and talk to him, all right?

Ricky: Thanks, Ernie. You ever do anything like this when you were a kid?

Ernie: [chuckling] Actually, yeah. One time, George and I broke into school with a whole bunch of spray paint, and we... Made a banner that said, "Learning is cool." Whoo! Those were the days, man. [chuckling]

God Needles George [3.15]

Benny and Randy [3.16]

Weekend at Benny's [3.17]

Jason Tutors Max [3.18]

Angie Gets Tanked [3.19]

The Art of Boxing [3.20]

George's House of Cards [3.21]

George to Max

George: Max let me in the garage

Max: Grandpa said not to let anyone in his garage

George: Max this is my garage, Max I swear I'll drop you off to school in my underwear in my lowrider

Max: Cool can I go to school in my underwear too

George: Give me the combination

Max: Okay 42-16-23

George: Hold on

Max: Wait maybe it's 24-61-32

George: There's no 61

Max: Okay 42-32-16 darn it 23-15-32 no

George: He gave a combination to a dyslexia fifth grader, the man is an a evil genius

Dance Fever [3.22]

She Drives Me Crazy [3.23]

George Goes to Disneyland [3.24]

Bachelor Party [3.25]

Wrecking Ball [3.26]

What George Doesn't Noah... [3.27]

[Zack climbs into Carmen's room and sits on her bed]

Zack: Morning.

Carmen: Zack, what are you doing here? My dad's still home.

Zack: I wanted to take you to school.

Carmen: No, no, Noah's coming over to pick me up. My parents totally believe he's my boyfriend. Zack, don't blow this.

Zack: Relax. We'll call him on the way, come on.

Carmen: All right, fine, I'll meet you at the end of the block. Now go, get out.

Zack: Hey, how come you never wear this tube top for me?

Carmen: That's a headband.

Zack: Fine. Then put this thong on.

Carmen: That's a shoelace.

Zack: Work with me.

George: Carmen, there's no easy way to say this. Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Carmen: Oh my god.

George: Look, I know, I don't like it either. But just because Noah's gay... [Zack is shocked and hides back in the closet] Okay... It has nothing to do with you. Okay, this doesn't mean that you're ugly or stupid. He was just using you to hide something that he doesn't know how to deal with.

Noah: Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, is Carmen ready?

Angie: She just left.

George: You know, Noah, I went to see A Walk in the Tuscan Meadow last night. Saw the whole thing.

Noah: Didn't you love the ending when the cheesemaker comes home from war, but he can't make cheese anymore because he lost his arms? But then his son shows up and says, "Papa, I'll be your hands."

[he and Angie feel relieved]

George: Yeah, that was really moving, but I meant the gay horseplay.

Noah: What?

Angie: Mr. Lopez saw you... Being very friendly with another boy.

George: Okay, we talked to Carmen, and it's all out in the open, okay? So nobody has to sneak around anymore.

Noah: Well, thank god, 'cause I thought you'd be mad at Carmen.

Angie: Why would we be mad at her? She can't help who she falls for.

Noah: Because she was sure you guys would freak if you knew she was seeing Zack.

Angie: Zack?

George: Zack Powers?

Noah: Um, actually...

George: Wait, wait, wait, wait! She was seeing Zack Powers behind our back, and you were her cover?

[after Noah said that Carmen is really dating Zack Powers and attempts to excuse himself]

Noah: Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys are so nice to me and your mother, I really enjoyed meeting your mother, she was--

George: [interrupting] Enough of your lies! Out! I enjoyed meeting your mother, Ta Loca. I enjoyed meeting your mother.

Now George Noahs Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened [3.28]

Carmen: I don't believe you!

Benny: Showtime, monkeys!

Carmen: You can't threaten my boyfriend!

George: The fake, gay, cover boyfriend, or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month?

Carmen: You read my diary?! I hate you!

George: I know! It's written on every page in here. [reads the diary] "I hate Dad! God, I hate Dad!" "Hey, old lady! Hang up the miniskirt! You're not 15 anymore!" [to Angie] Oh, that one's about you.

Carmen: You had no right to read this.

Angie: You've lost all your rights by lying to us, and if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it.

Carmen: Oh, you wanna know the truth?! Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him and he loves me too!

Angie: Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you.

George: Look, he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you into bed. Wake up!

Carmen: You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart!

George: Yeah? Did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant?

Angie: He didn't respect the girl enough to be safe.

Carmen: No, no, no. You guys don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him, and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.

[George thinks how Zack's life is just like his life and he looks at Benny who feels guilty. She tries to hide her beer behind her purse]

George: [to Benny] You wanna field that one? [to Carmen] Okay, you know what? End of discussion. Okay, we did not raise you this far so you can screw up your life with Zack, so there is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again!

Carmen: You can't stop me, 'cause I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I can do whatever I want.

George: Not as long as you live in this house. Okay, if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else.

Angie: George, please calm down.

George: Look, I'm not gonna calm down, Angie! I'm tired of her disrespecting us! [to Carmen] Go see what it's like out there! Send us a postcard!

Angie: George!

George: And don't expect me to come looking for you!

Carmen: I wish you weren't my dad.

Season 4

George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack [4.01]

George: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same. They're worse.

George: [to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen: Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George: We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen: Dad, I didn't do anything!

George: Don't lie to me!

Carmen: I didn't! You raised me better that that!

George: No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen: Yeah, you were. And every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

George: Carmen, get your stuff. I'm taking you home.

Carmen: No. No, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with my friends.

George: Friends? How do you even know all these people?

Carmen: Well, Zack broke up with me in a club and I was crying in the bathroom and one of Chingy's dancers was there to cheer me up, so we just started hanging.

George: Who's Chingy? [everyone in the room looks at George weirdly]

Carmen: Who's Chingy?! I can't believe you. His videos are on all the time. "Balla Baby"? "Holidae Inn"?

Vic: Hey, George ,you find Carmen yet? Hey, what's Chingy doing here?

[after Max went upstairs to bed]

George: [to Carmen] All right. What the hell happened out there?

Angie: Now is not the time, George.

Carmen: It's none of your business anyway.

George: Everything you do is my business.

Carmen: You have issues.

George: You're damn right I have issues. Look, I tried to give you everything I never had and you run away from it.

Carmen: Oh, yeah. I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

George: Carmen, you're lucky you have parents who care. Look, I didn't have a dad and I prayed that my mom would come home at 6:00 so I could see her before bedtime. If I was lucky, she came home drunk with the spins, so she'd have to hold on to me! That was my hug!

Angie: George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.

George: Look, Angie, don't try to pretend like everything's alright. Okay, it wasn't alright when last night you were crying.

Carmen: Maybe you should've thought of that when you told me to leave.

Angie: Stop it! We all need to give each other time to accept... [reaches for her brochure in her back pocket, reads it, then puts it back]... to accept the reunification process.

Landlord Almighty [4.02]

Carmen [about the mannequin sticking out of her bedroom wall]: The mannequin represents my spirit trying to get out of a spiritual prison.

George: Is your spirit so dumb it can't use the door?

Carmen: You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.

Angie: Then go get it.

Carmen: You don't mean that.

Angie: Yeah, I do, because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.

George of the Rings [4.03]

Max: [to George] If you can't afford to buy Mom the ring, why don't you just tell her the truth?

George: Max, someday you'll meet a woman and you will disappoint her. You'll lie and you'll feel bad, and that's how you know it's love. Now say goodbye to your bike and go do your homework.

[Vic arrives in the backyard and George gets his attention]

George: Hey, Vic.

Vic: Ah.

George: Hold up. [goes into the garage and gets a golf club] Hey, man, I know you're having trouble with your game. How would you like my lucky putter?

Vic: I can't just take your lucky putter, George, come on.

George: You're right, give me $1,000.

Vic: $1,000? What's going on? Money problems again?

George: Angie picked out this ring I can't afford, and she thinks I'm gonna get it for her.

Vic: George, George. A ring means nothing. I gave my wife a three-carat stone. But that didn't stop her from cheating on me. She even threw the ring at me during counseling when I called her a mattress-hopping whore frog.

[George goes into the kitchen and Vic closes the patio door]

Vic: Change of plans, don't give her the ring.

George: What? I just gave it to her. What do you think this was about, that shirt?

Vic: You got me this for Christmas.

George: Hey. [does a thumbs up] What's going on?

Vic: Well, last night, I did something very stupid. I went to Happy Hour at Baja Beach, and you know, they got those giant margaritas.

George: Get to the point.

Vic: Well, I was drunk. So I called Angie's mother and told her I gave her diamond to a younger woman.

George: What?!

Vic: Oh, the whole bar cheered for me, man. [does a crazy dance and chanting] Whore frog! Whore frog! Whore frog!

George: Vic!

Vic: Sorry, George. Legally, the ring is hers from the ceruman that she demanded it back.

George: Oh, man, the ring is Angie's now. Tell Emilina you lost it, tha-tha-tha-that someone stole it.

Vic: Hey. If I don't give that ring back to Emilina, I would have to pay her $30,000.

Home Sweet Homeschool [4.04]

Angie: [to George] You saw me in my dress before I hid, didn't you? That's when the bad luck started!

George: Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever [Benny walks by coughing] A window just opened!

Angie: [about homeschooling Carmen] Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.

George: But homeschooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank god she's gone!"? You won't have that anymore!

George: [to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.

Angie: Am I really that annoying?

George: Let's not go there while you're down.

Leave It to Lopez [4.05]

Benny: (as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am, Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, "The Young and the Rustless." [laughs]

Doctor: (in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.

George: (as Herman) It should be. It won the Kentucky Derby.

George: (as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney just like the doctor says.

Sk8r Boyz [4.06]

Angie: [to Max] I know middle school can be tough, but remember bullies are just friends who don't realize how special you are.

George: What kind of crap are you teaching him?! No wonder kids of all races are coming together to beat up Max!

[As Angie tries to prevent Max from doing a dangerous skateboarding trick in the backyard with his friends]

Angie: [to Max] You remember the song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings] "You can still be rad with a helmet and some elbow pads."

George: Órale, Angie. You know what other song Sammy the Skater sang? [sings in the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel"] "Shut up, shut up. You're making it worse. Now meet me in the kitchen."

George: Last year, Max waited up for Santa. This year, he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.

The Simple Life [4.07]

Winnie: [about her daughter] Do you know why I call her Lil' Bit? Cuz she's just my little bit of heaven.

Lil' Bit: [to Angie] Nice to meet you, ma'am.

George: (to Carmen and Max) You hear that? She calls your mother "ma'am" and not just cause she's old, but out of respect too.

Lil' Bit: [to Max] You know why they call me Lil' Bit? I won't do everything, but I'll do a lil' bit.

Trouble in Paradise [4.08]

George: [to Benny] You behave yourself or else all I have to do is shove you outside, yell "WILD BOAR!" and wait for the shooting to start. Then I'll have you mounted so the high school football team can rub your snout for good luck

[When Carmen shows up for Thanksgiving dinner drunk]

Winnie: Angie, your daughter's stinking drunk.

Carmen: I sure 'yam, but what else is there to do here except drink? Unless you want to make out with some tramp behind the Canyon Mart. [sees Lil' Bit] Hey, you're here!

George: Our kids didn't get in this alone. Somebody gave my son a hickey and somebody gave my 15-year-old daughter beer.

Carmen: You can get it anywhere around here, Dad. Everybody drinks and nobody cards you.

Winnie: I'll have you know my oldest son has never had alcohol.

Carmen: Pot head!

Winnie: So that's where the ice cream is going.

E. I., E. I.? Oh [4.09]

George: [to Benny] Just find the end of a pencil and hop on it, troll!

A Clear and Presentless Danger [4.10]

Benny: You know, when I was a kid, I got a black eye for Christmas and I said thank you.

Prescription for Trouble [4.11]

[When Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her 16th birthday]

Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car? [Benny laughs] Okay, Dad. How old were you when Grandma got you a car? ['George and Benny both laugh] Okay, okay. None of you got cars, but aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?

George [breaks out into laughter] HAA!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding! [Benny laughs]

[As Carmen is all dressed up for her school debate]

Carmen: I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Benny: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George: I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

George [to Jason] I want you to admit it. You're pushing my daughter to have sex.

Jason: I haven't even brought it up.

George: Don't lie to me.

Jason: I'm not. I swear.

George: Then why did she ask us for birth control pills?

Jason: [in an excited tone] Really, she asked for birth control? No way! [George gives him a look] No way you should allow her to have those. No.

George: So this wasn't your idea?

Jason: Look, Mr. Lopez. I'm walking on eggshells with Carmen as it is, all right? I would never do anything to pressure her. I'm just glad she took me back.

George: Damn! So it was her idea. All this time, I've been worried about boys pressuring her. I even told her all the tricks that guys would use to get her in bed. Oh, my God, I gave her a playbook! No matter what she says, nobody likes to just lie there naked and hug.

Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks [4.12]

Angie: [about Tammy taking a pregnancy test] The test was positive, but she's not. There were a few guys right before him.

Benny: And Ernie was the prize?! What sideshow must have been going on in her bedroom?

George: Mom, are you pregnant?

Benny: Screw you! The one day I go without my control tops and I got to hear lip from my kid!

George: I think Ernie needs to know before he shows up in the delivery room and there's four other guys there with camcorders.

George to the 3rd Power [4.13]

George: [to Carmen when Max complains about his braces] You're just jealous we fixed his problem, but we can't fix the problem with your legs.

Carmen: What's wrong with my legs?

George: Nothing if they come with coleslaw and biscuits, chicken legs!

Dr. Holland: Kids learn how to deal with pain from watching their parents. Do either of you overreact to the slightest discomfort?

George: Hey, I know pain. I had to deal with being abandoned by my father and not being abandoned by my mother.

George Gets Assisterance [4.14]

Linda: [to George] What are my real mother and father like?

George: Well, our father's easy. He ran out on Mom before you were born. I didn't know him, but I tracked him down last year. I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney and he died.

Linda: And my mother?

George: Oh, yeah. She's kind of hard to describe in just a few words. She's a short, bitter, drunk. Actually, that covers it.

Linda: [after finding out she was adopted] I woke up this morning and I was the only child of two loving, Italian parents. Now it's 11:00 p.m. and I'm a Mexican.

Max: What's going on?

Angie: Uh, you know how, uh, sometimes strangers come by and we find out they're related to your dad? Uh...uh, this is one of those nights. Go.

Max: [as he goes upstairs] Carmen, they found another one!

Sabes Quake [4.15]

[When everyone rushes out of the house]

Benny: You big babies. It was just an aftershock. [several plates almost fall on her] What the hell? [another plate falls next to her]

George: What's with the plates? Come on, God, quit teasing me! Tip over the fridge! Take her out!

George Takes A Stroll Down Memory Pain [4.16]

[After Benny takes out a wad of cash from a book]

Angie: Benny, how much money is this?

Benny: $5,000, but you better not tell anyone what's in this book because I could kill you with what's in that book.

George Buys a Vow [4.17]

George: Angie, when we first got married, I thought to myself that I don't deserve you. Now, after eighteen amazing years, I know that I don't. I'm the luckiest guy in the world, Angie and I love you. And if you would just stop trying to go golfing with me and realize that it's my time away from you, we would have the perfect marriage.

George Watcha's Out for Jason [4.18]

[When George and Angie learn that Jason's parents abandoned him]

Angie: Well, what kind of parents just leave their kid and then go off to live in another country? That can't be legal.

George: No, it's not. It's called abandonment. At least that's what the cops said they dragged my mom back from Tijuana and made her untie me from the lemon tree.

George: Where's Carmen?

Angie: At the library.

George: Oh yeah? How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Angie: Because she sent me a picture of her from the library on her cell phone. (hands cell phone to George)

George: Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid. Mom I woulda sent a picture to Social Services of you hitting me.

Benny: Come on, if you couldn't hold on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what makes you think you could've held onto a phone?

(phone rings, Angie answers it)

Angie: Hello?.....Carmen, slow down, what happened? Okay, we're on our way. (hangs up phone)

George: What is it?

Angie: Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

George: What?! I thought you said she was at the library!

Angie: She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought drugs.

George: Lemme see the camera phone.

(Angie hands over the phone, George takes a picture of Benny)

Benny: Hey, what's that for?

George: I'm gonna show her what a hard life of partying does, show me your ankles.

Benny: Get out, get out. (angrily chases them out the house)

George: Drugs, Carmen?!

Carmen: Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

George: Let me guess, you were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Carmen: Yes!

George: Is that you talking or the monkey on your back? How many colors do you see, huh junkie?

Angie: George, stop it. STOP IT. (pulls Carmen aside) Carmen, what really happened?

Carmen: Well, some guys from another school came and crashed the party, and started smoking pot and then the cops came and nobody would admit the drugs were theirs so they brought us all in for questioning.

George: Oh, honey, why didn't you just say so? Now I believe you.

(flashes a flashlight in her face)

George: Hurts, doesn't it, junkie?!

Angie: George!

George: Angie, her pupils are huge!

Angie: They're dark brown, that's the way they always look.

George: Really? They're not green?

Carmen: What's gonna happen to Jason?

Officer: Well if there's nobody to release him to, he'll probably end up in a group home.

Carmen: (turns to George, worried) Dad, a group home!

George: Oh c'mon Carmen, that sounds like fun! Bunk beds, sing-a-longs. [sings] Drive-bys are bad! Come on, making a quilt with the names of your fallen homies. "Gimme a sequin so I can put a teardrop on Spider."

Carmen: (to the police officer) Excuse me, when is Jason McNamara gonna be released?

Officer: He's not. He's a minor and his parents are out of the country. We have no one to release him to.

Carmen: Jason can't spend the night in jail!

George: I spent the night in jail once and nothing happened to me.

Carmen: It's not the same, Dad, Jason's pretty!

George's Grand Slam [4.19]

Carmen: Things are pretty good right now.

Kenzie: No, they're not. You're Mexican. You're in pain. Your people have been raped and pillaged by the conquistadores. I am so jealous.

George: What are you talking about? She was born in Burbank. She's got her own car and a closet full of clothes. You want to see a Mexican suffering, come back when I have to pay her cell phone bill.

Kenzie: [to Carmen] You're just going to wait on them like that? You know they're only asking you because you're a girl. That's so sexist.

George: You know what's funny, Kenzie? I ask Carmen something and sound comes out of your mouth.

Kenzie: It is so sad. So much head and so little in it. I can hear it rattle.

George: I never pushed Carmen.

Benny: George, you can't win. If you push kids and they fail, then it's your fault. And if you push kids and they succeed... actually, I don't know what that's like.

George Needs Anchor Management [4.20]

George: Look, Angie is the most important thing in my life and I'm not going to let some rich, good-looking dude make a move on her. God, I drove her to this. You know, last night, she was wearing the avocado mask and rollers. She had a little leg stubble. I should've just pictured Salma Hayek and went for it.

Vic: [to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

Angie: You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!

George: Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

George's Relatively Bad Idea [4.21]

George: Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda: What?!

Angie: Daddy?

Vic [to Benny] You told!

Benny: No, it was Ernie.

Ernie: Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

George: Dude!

Angie: What?!

Linda: You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

George: Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

Vic: [to George] I want to date your sister and I'm going to.

George: No, you're not because I forbid it!

Vic: Forbid?! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do not use that word on Victor Garcia Lantigua Palmero. Castro forbid me from leaving the island, but I did it! My parents forbid me from marrying Emilina, but I did it! The president of my condo association forbid me from having pets, but I feed stray cats every night! I do what I want!

George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition [4.22]

George Stare-oids Down Jason [4.23]

[After George catches Jason in Carmen's room and suspects the two of them had sex]

Jason: Mr. Lopez, you took me into your house. I wouldn't betray you like that. Besides, you'd be able to hear us. I mean, we can hear everything you're doing.

Angie [to George] You had to be a screamer.

Vic [about Jason's behavior] Mood swings, aggressiveness, smashing things. Either he's doing drugs or he's my ex-wife.

Carmen [to George about Jason's father] Why does Jason keep trying to please him? Nothing he ever does is good enough for him.

George: When you grow up without love, you'll do anything for it. When I was a kid, I considered lighting myself on fire so my mom would wrap me in a blanket and hug me.

Carmen: That's awful. You and Mom love me unconditionally, right?

George: We won't know until you're on fire.

George Negoti-ate It [4.24]

Vic: Okay, who wants their buns toasted?

George: Wish me luck. I'm off to broker my first deal as an agent.

Angie: What's in the briefcase?

George: Breath mints and a little black comb.

Season 5

George Gets a Pain in the Ash [5.01]

Angie: (to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

Benny: What?

George: We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

Benny: That's not funny!

George: We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

Benny: No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

George: The trash can by the drapes?

Benny:...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

George (to Carmen): There's no way you're gettin' married.

Carmen: Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent to get married there.

George: (about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!

You Dropped a Mom on Me [5.02]

[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]

Ernie: (first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

Angie: That's not bad.

Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.

George: Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie: Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!

Carmen: When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.

Max: When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

Angie: Upstairs!

Max: It matters...

George's Dog Days of Bummer [5.03]

Benny (to George): I haven't seen you that scared since that Halloween when I chased you around the house with a knife!

George: That might've been funny on Halloween, but it was Easter.

George: I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.

Benny: Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!

George: That thing's a hundred pound killer!

Benny: Not in my story.

George Drives the Batmobile [5.04]

Clown Head: How can I "hell" you?

Benny: (to George) I would like a cheesburger. (looks at George and clown head) Wait, I'm talking to the wrong clown head.

(everyone laughs except George)

[George is talking to Benny about his childhood]

George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

Trick or Treat Me Right [5.05]

George: Where's my work?

Benny: Don't you remember my rules?

George: What rules?

Benny: I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George: You threw out my work?!

Benny: Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George: Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Benny: Oh sure you do.

George: Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Benny: Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George: Mom don't ignore me.

Benny: [looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

[George takes handcuffs, places one link on handle bar, and the other on benny's right hand, cuffing her to the fridge]

Benny: George, what the hell are you?! George!

George: [yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

[electricity in the house goes off and kitchen is dark. George finds flashlight and shines it in Benny's face]

George: I'm a big, big success!

[Angie, Carmen, and Max walk into the dark house]

Angie: George?

George: (to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

George Takes a Sentimental Ernie [5.06]

Benny [to George]: That's real passionate. Did you come up with that last night when you were spooning with Ernie?

George: Look, that was an accident! But at least I can keep a man in my bed. That's right. When Ernie gets up to go to the bathroom, he comes back!

George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial [5.07]

Angie [about Max's behavior after a school shooting]: He's completely desensitized. He acts like the shooting didn't affect him at all.

George: What, would you rather him being shaking and crying? He's handling it the Lopez way.

Angie: How do you do that?

George: We block it out.

Angie [to George who is curled up under the blankets] Are you naked under there?

George: No.

Angie: Then why are your pajamas on the floor?

George: Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

Benny: George, you remember when you use to wet the bed?

George: It was the only hot water we had.

George Tries to Write a Wrong [5.08]

George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job [5.09]

Angie [about Benny's breast implants]: She got implants?

George: These aren't implants. The cast of "Lost" is trying to find their way off the right one. The left one is hosting the Winter Olympics.

Max: Damn, Grandma! Your boobs are huge!

George: Hey, Max. The owls called. They're done nesting, vato. You can cut your hair.

Max: Cindy Porter said I have big ears. If I cut my hair, she'll never love me!

George: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Little pig-nosed Cindy Porter? Man, get your hair out of your eyes. She's nasty.

Max: I like nasty.

George Says I Do... More in This Marriage [5.10]

George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family [5.11]

George Enrolls Like That [5.12]

George Keeps Truant to Himself [5.13]

The Kidney Stays in the Picture [5.14]

George: [after learning about Max's kidney issues] Angie, what was I thinking? My dad died of kidney disease. Max has my bad genes.

Angie: He's got both our genes, George.

George: Well, look. If he unexpectedly dies from soft hair and long eyelashes, then it'll be your fault. This one's on me.

Angie [to Carmen]: You're not going to Lake "Take-Your-Top-Off" and that's final.

Carmen: Oh, so I can't go to a simple party on the lake, but the second you leave the room, Max and his girlfriend can make out like monkeys?

Angie: They were making out?

Carmen: Oh, did I say that out loud? I get gossipy when I'm oppressed.

A Funeral Brings George to His Niece [5.15]

George: Veronica, you're all grown up! The last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

Veronica: So did you.

George: At least I didn't have a full diaper. You see, you don't wanna play this game.

Claudia: [to Veronica in the video of her will] The money has been put into a trust and the trustee I'm about to name will decide when you get it. The person I had chosen has worked hard his whole life and knows the value of money. Will Vic Palmero please step forward? [Vic steps forward] Okay, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's ass because I pick him.

George [starts laughing] In your face! You heard her, Vic! Kiss it!

George: [to Max when he starts having a crush on Veronica] Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia. If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the carnival.

George Gets Caught in a Powers Play [5.16]

Angie: [to Veronica] Get down here now, you ungrateful tramp! [Carmen comes downstairs instead of Veronica]

Carmen: What?

George: We know what you did. We want to hear it from your mouth.

Angie: [about Veronica] That's it. That was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house!

Carmen: God, it was just a scratch, I'll pay for it. What do you want from me!?

George: [to Veronica] Tomorrow, I want you to dress more appropriate. I don't want you distracting the guys working with dangerous machines. Alberto's down to seven fingers. He can barely tie his shoes.

George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother [5.17]

George: [to Angie] How can you trust Ray after all he's done to your family?

Angie: Because I try to find the good in people.

George: That's a really annoying habit.

George: How come you never told me I had any special talents?

Benny: Oh, I'm sorry, George. You're right. You did have a special talent. No one can wet the bed like you.

George: I'm gonna use that to water your grave.

Ray: I have changed. Last year, I woke up in jail and I had one phone call. When my own sister wouldn't come to the phone, I realized that I had pushed everyone away. [Angie looks confused]

George: [to Angie] Oh, that's right. Your brother called last year. He needs your help right away. I told you to put a pad by the phone. I can't remember these things.

George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light [5.18]

Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.

George: You know you're supposed to listen to your body and right now, your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"

George: I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers

Benny: You never defended me.

George: It's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.

Benny: What did it say?

George: I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.

Mel Powers: [to George] I just got a letter from Ernie's lawyer accusing me of being prejudice towards fat people. Does anyone remember my second wife?

George: Oh, yeah. I remember Cheryl. She came to that Christmas party in a green dress and you fired the person who hung an ornament on her.

George Gets Cross Over Freddie [5.19]

George [to Max] What's your password?

Max: Uh, "Rippin' it to the max."

George: Please. The only thing you rip is... [makes a fart sound]

Ernie: Hey, that's my apartment! What are the neighbors gonna think when some creepy weird dude shows up?

George: I don't know. What'd they think when you moved in?

Vic: Back in Cuba, there were no pedophiles trying to molest you. If an old man had his hand down your pants, it was because he was looking for food!

George: Why would you carry around food in your pants? Why not just use a brown paper bag?

Vic: And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money [5.20]

Max: Mom's planning a big wedding, so Dad is doing the cooking and laundry. That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

George: A stressed out bride is nothing. At the factory, I work with ex-cons, substance abusers and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom, there's other people like that there too.

Ernie [when he sees George making wedding invitations] How long have you been at this?

George: Six hours. Would've been done faster, but every five minutes or so, I have to look down at my pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits [5.21]

Benny: [about George] Angie, he cheated me. I should have won. I had the highest numbers.

Angie: Is that true? Did she have the highest numbers?

George: Look, she's been cheating on her time card for years.

Benny: What does that have to do with this contest? I did the work.

Angie: Well, whoever did the most work should win. I mean, George, you have to be a man of your word.

George: Why? She's never been a man of her word.

Benny [as she seeks revenge for the Reno trip]: No. It's not over. You screwed me, now I'm going to get you. It's payback time.

George: What are you going to do, raise me again?

George: [to Benny] You never taught me anything. You just punished me. I wasn't "Hooked on Phonics." I was hooked to a radiator.

It's a Cliffhanger, By George [5.22]

Carmen: I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.

Angie (to George about her being pregnant): Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

George: A Cambodian kid?!

Angie: NO! I might be pregnant.

George: What? Oh, hell no. HELL NO! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

Season 6

George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien [6.01]

George (to Ernie): Why didn't you tell me they were moving the factory?

Ernie: I left you a message.

George: Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.

Ernie: Why?

George: Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"

George (after the cops said they just wanted to question Benny but arrested her on sight): Hey, you lied to me! That's why nobody likes cops. You never see a fireman saying "Jump" and then he takes away the trampoline thing!

George's House Has Two Empty Wombs [6.02]

Vic (to Angie): I thought you said your pregnancy was a false alarm?

Angie: It was. But I saw how excited George was that I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Vic: So, what are you gonna do nine months from now? Wrap a basketball in a blanket and say "Look, he's got your head?"

[After George is refusing to sleep with Angie]

Angie: I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've been avoiding me all day. Now get upstairs! We're doing this, Alice!

George Nieces a New Media Room [6.03]

George: Angie, we'll deal with your screwed-up family later. Right now, we need to get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.

Angie: George, I need to talk to you.

George: No one talks in the George Lopez media room except Clint Eastwood and those guys begging not to be killed by Clint Eastwood.

Max: Dad, there's some dude in the bathroom. You want me to get the bat?

George: [to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"

Angie: That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.

George Testi-Lies for Benny [6.04]

[Benny's mom Luisa arrives]

Ernie: Uh oh, she's here! Hey you know what, I'm going out the front door!

George: Hey! You don't wanna meet her?

Ernie: Dude, she gave birth to BENNY. [rushes out]

Angie: How bad can she be, I mean she must've mellowed out if she came all this way to help Benny?

George: Actually, I told her that my mom was shot.

Angie: You lied to her? I thought you were gonna use the Lopez charm?

George: It didn't work, I can't do my puppy-dog eyes over the phone, I'd be like that- [making faces]

[Luisa comes in]

George: Grandma!

Luisa: [shoves purse to George] Here.

George:It's great to finally meet you...it's too bad it took my mom being in the hospital to finally bring us together.

Angie: I'm his wife Angie-

[Luisa shoves grocery bag in her hands]

Angie: Nice to meet you...

Luisa: Yeah you too, so....how's Benny doing?

George: She's in a... semi-private room... and there are people watching her like 24 hours a day.

Luisa: How did this happen? You rushed me off the phone before I could ask.

George: She wrote you a letter asking for your forgiveness, then she went to the post office to mail it, then a postal worker who had just been fired- Hey wait a minute, that makes sense....- shot up the place, Grandma.

Luisa: Alright, we'll go to the hospital first thing in the morning. I figured you'd be too exhausted to cook so I brought over some homemade tamales.

Angie: [walks over to George] When are you gonna tell her the truth?

George:If you could cook, I'd tell her now. Imma get some tamales. [goes over to eat a tamale]

Angie: George...isn't there some news you should tell your grandma before you eat...?

George: [spits out tamale] ....Yeah I guess I could tell her now...

Luisa: Tell me what?

George: You know how grandmas are supposed to spoil you and give you candy...a-and forgive you when you lie?

Luisa: .....What's going on.

George: I lied. My mom didn't get shot, I just said that to get you down here. She's in jail.

Luisa: THAT'S why I'm here?? You owe me $100 for the gas, $30 for the tamales I bought down the street...

George: My mom needs your help. If you say something nice about her at her sentencing hearing tomorrow, she might not have to go to prison.

Luisa: $12 for the salsa verde...

George: You know, you got a lot to make up for too, you know with the beatings and everything

Luisa: We never laid a hand on Benny. If anything, we were much too easy on her and look what happened, she got pregnant and ran away.

George: Wait, she said you kicked her out?

Luisa: Kicked her- she left on her own. And my husband, may he rest in peace, never got over the SHAME she brought on this family.

George: Well as the shame...I'd like to ask you for a favor. I've had my own problems with my mom, but I'm gonna suck it up and say something nice on the stand and I'd like for you to do the same. This could be your last chance to make up with your daughter.

Luisa: I'll do it. If you can get past what she did to you, I can get past my own problems.

George: Thank you.

Luisa: But I'll tell you, that girl has caused us a both a lot of grief. [reaches for tamale]

George: Amen, granny. Don't eat those.

Luisa: I'm sure you wonder what It would've been like if that other family had kept you.

George:....What other family?

Luisa: The one she tried to give you away to.

Angie: Uh oh.

George: No, you mean my SISTER, she tried to give my sister away?

Luisa: No no, she gave you away first. But the other family returned you.

Angie: Honey, you know how much I love you, but... I have to say, your life is really jacked up.

Angie (to George): I hope what you just found out isn't going to affect your testimony.

George: Just a little at the end. (reading his speech for court) "I don't think my mom should go to jail for an old robbery when her real crime... is giving away her only son! I HATE HER, I HATE HER SO MUCH! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury."

Sabes Gay, It's George's Fantasy Episode [6.05]

Gina (to Ernie): You're not my type.

Ernie: I'm a man and I have a pulse!

George (to Angie): Our vows were to love, honor and cherish each other. I don't have to tell you nothing.

George Thinks Vic's Fiancée is Lion about Being a Cheetah [6.06]

[George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]

George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.

George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good [6.07]

[After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]

George: You have drooled over my wife every day since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to tell her she's hot, YOU DON'T DO IT?!

Ernie: I was trying not to stare! Not in this costume!

George's Grave Mistake Sends Him to a Funeral, Holmes [6.08]

George (to Angie): Did you and your mom have any unresolved conflicts?

Angie: I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.

George: Oh, I'm sorry, Angie. I didn't know that.

Angie (crying): I can never take it back. I can never tell her I'm sorry.

George: How many times has Carmen said she hated you?

Angie: Forty-seven.

George: You counted?

Angie: Yeah, it hurt.

George: Of all those times, did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?

Angie: No.

Benny: [to George] What were you gonna do with me when I die?

George: Pet cemetery!

George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante [6.09]

Max (to George): What if I end up like Ernie?

George: A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.

George: (after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!

George is Maid to be Ruth-Less [6.10]

George (to Ruth about Benny): That's my mom. You may have heard of her. After her last confession, Father John was seen in the shower saying "I can't get clean. I can't get clean."

Ruth: You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."

George: When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."

George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness [6.11]

Benny: I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?

George: Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!

Ernie: Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.

Benny: Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?

George: Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.

Benny: Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!

Benny: You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

George: I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

Benny: George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

George: I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

Benny: It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

George: Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Benny: Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

George: (lies) Yes.

(walks over to Ernie)

Ernie: (scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

Benny: 7 times.

George: Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!

Benny: At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.

George: No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.

Benny: You told him I was dead.

George: So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)

George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La [6.12]

[George and Ernie walk into the backyard, George sees Angie looking at the family bills.]

George: Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.

Ernie: So? What's the big deal?

George: I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.

Ernie: You hide things you buy from your wife?!

George: (imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!

Ernie: George, If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would've been just like mine.

George: That is the worst thing you've ever said to me!

George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed [6.13]

Vic: (to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?

George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Órale Fixation [6.14]

George: (to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!

Angie (to George): What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?

George: I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and you'd better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."

George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie [6.15]

Angie:George! I just finished the letter and I put it on official stationary. I signed it N.W.A.

George: Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending this to a racist?

Angie: Not *that* N.W.A! The Neighborhood Watch Assocoation!

Angie: (after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!

(Benny snatches the bat from Angie)

Benny: You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.

[When George is planning to threaten a neighbor into taking down a racist statue]

George (while holding a bat): You know what they call this in the hands of a Judo master?

Angie: The last thing he touches before he dies?

George's Bogey-ous Relationship with Vic Is Putt to the Test [6.16]

Vic (to George): What the hell is wrong with you?

George: Like you care. (walks away)

George Thinks Max's Future Is on the Line [6.17]

Angie [to Max]: I know you had a good time working at the factory, but it's not your future. [to George] Would you please talk some sense into your son?

George: Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.

Max: But I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.

George: Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?

Max: No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.

George Decides to Sta-Local Where It's Familia [6.18]

George: You don't go to war without a general! You don't play football without a quarterback! You don't have a wolf pack without... what's the head wolf called?

Ernie: The lone wolf?

George: The lone wolf can't be the leader. He's alone!

Ernie: Maybe they're following him, but he doesn't know it.

George: Do you want to go to the factory or do you want to talk about wolves?

Ernie: I wanna go to the factory, but can we talk about wolves on the way?

Mr. Vega (to George): You've either got a lot of guts or you're an idiot.

George: Maybe I'm both. You don't know me!

Cast

Recurring

Jack Blessing - Jack Powers
Mark Tymchyshyn - Mel Powers
Dagney Kerr - Claudia
Sandra Bullock - Amy
Autumn Reeser - Piper
Rachel Snow - Toby

External links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

George Lopez (TV series)

George Lopez quotes at the Internet Movie Database