George Lopez (TV series)
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- 1 Season 1
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Who's Your Daddy? [2.01]
- 2.2 Token of Unappreciation [2.02]
- 2.3 Show Dyslexic The [2.03]
- 2.4 Halloween Cheer [2.04]
- 2.5 The Unnatural [2.05]
- 2.6 No Free Launch [2.06]
- 2.7 The Wedding Dance [2.07]
- 2.8 Love Bites [2.08]
- 2.9 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey [2.09]
- 2.10 Charity [2.10]
- 2.11 Meet the Cuban Parents [2.11]
- 2.12 This Old Casa [2.12]
- 2.13 Super Bowl [2.13]
- 2.14 The Valentine's Day Massacre [2.14]
- 2.15 Girl Fight [2.15]
- 2.16 George vs. George [2.16]
- 2.17 A Kiss is Just a Kiss [2.17]
- 2.18 Profiles in Courage [2.18]
- 2.19 Secrets and Lies [2.19]
- 2.20 Girls Night Out [2.20]
- 2.21 I Only Have Eyes on You [2.21]
- 2.22 Team Leader [2.22]
- 2.23 George Has Two Mommies [2.23]
- 2.24 Long Time No See [2.24]
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 1) [3.01]
- 3.2 Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 2) [3.02]
- 3.3 The Cuban Missus Crisis [3.03]
- 3.4 Feel the Burn [3.04]
- 3.5 Carmen's Dating [3.05]
- 3.6 Split Decision [3.06]
- 3.7 No One Gets Out Alive [3.07]
- 3.8 Bringing Home The Bacon [3.08]
- 3.9 Fishing Cubans [3.09]
- 3.10 Would You Like a Drumstick or a Kidney? [3.10]
- 3.11 Mementos [3.11]
- 3.12 Christmas Punch [3.12]
- 3.13 Why You Crying? [3.13]
- 3.14 The Trouble with Ricky [3.14]
- 3.15 God Needles George [3.15]
- 3.16 Benny and Randy [3.16]
- 3.17 Weekend at Benny's [3.17]
- 3.18 Jason Tutors Max [3.18]
- 3.19 Angie Gets Tanked [3.19]
- 3.20 The Art of Boxing [3.20]
- 3.21 George's House of Cards [3.21]
- 3.22 Dance Fever [3.22]
- 3.23 She Drives Me Crazy [3.23]
- 3.24 George Goes to Disneyland [3.24]
- 3.25 Bachelor Party [3.25]
- 3.26 Wrecking Ball [3.26]
- 3.27 What George Doesn't Noah... [3.27]
- 3.28 Now George Noah Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened [3.28]
- 4 Season 4
- 4.1 George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack [4.01]
- 4.2 Landlord Almighty [4.02]
- 4.3 George of the Rings [4.03]
- 4.4 Home Sweet Homeschool [4.04]
- 4.5 Leave It to Lopez [4.05]
- 4.6 Sk8r Boyz [4.06]
- 4.7 The Simple Life [4.07]
- 4.8 Trouble in Paradise [4.08]
- 4.9 E. I., E. I.? Oh [4.09]
- 4.10 A Clear and Presentless Danger [4.10]
- 4.11 Prescription for Trouble [4.11]
- 4.12 Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks [4.12]
- 4.13 George to the 3rd Power [4.13]
- 4.14 George Gets Assisterance [4.14]
- 4.15 Sabes Quake [4.15]
- 4.16 George Takes A Stroll Down Memory Pain [4.16]
- 4.17 George Buys a Vow [4.17]
- 4.18 George Watcha's Out for Jason [4.18]
- 4.19 George's Grand Slam [4.19]
- 4.20 George Needs Anchor Management [4.20]
- 4.21 George's Relatively Bad Idea [4.21]
- 4.22 George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition [4.22]
- 4.23 George Stare-oids Down Jason [4.23]
- 4.24 George Negoti-ate It [4.24]
- 5 Season 5
- 5.1 George Gets a Pain in the Ash [5.01]
- 5.2 You Dropped a Mom on Me [5.02]
- 5.3 George's Dog Days of Bummer [5.03]
- 5.4 George Drives the Batmobile [5.04]
- 5.5 Trick or Treat Me Right [5.05]
- 5.6 George Takes a Sentimental Ernie [5.06]
- 5.7 George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial [5.07]
- 5.8 George Tries to Write a Wrong [5.08]
- 5.9 George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job [5.09]
- 5.10 George Says I Do... More in This Marriage [5.10]
- 5.11 George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family [5.11]
- 5.12 George Enrolls Like That [5.12]
- 5.13 George Keeps Truant to Himself [5.13]
- 5.14 The Kidney Stays in the Picture [5.14]
- 5.15 A Funeral Brings George to His Niece [5.15]
- 5.16 George Gets Caught in a Powers Play [5.16]
- 5.17 George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother [5.17]
- 5.18 George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light [5.18]
- 5.19 George Gets Cross Over Freddie [5.19]
- 5.20 George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money [5.20]
- 5.21 George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits [5.21]
- 5.22 It's a Cliffhanger, By George [5.22]
- 6 Season 6
- 6.1 George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien [6.01]
- 6.2 George's House Has Two Empty Wombs [6.02]
- 6.3 George Nieces a New Media Room [6.03]
- 6.4 George Testi-Lies for Benny [6.04]
- 6.5 Sabes Gay, It's George's Fantasy Episode [6.05]
- 6.6 George Thinks Vic's Fiancée is Lion about Being a Cheetah [6.06]
- 6.7 George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good [6.07]
- 6.8 George's Grave Mistake Sends Him to a Funeral, Holmes [6.08]
- 6.9 George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante [6.09]
- 6.10 George is Maid to be Ruth-Less [6.10]
- 6.11 George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness [6.11]
- 6.12 George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La [6.12]
- 6.13 George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed [6.13]
- 6.14 George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Órale Fixation [6.14]
- 6.15 George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie [6.15]
- 6.16 George's Bogey-ous Relationship with Vic Is Putt to the Test [6.16]
- 6.17 George Thinks Max's Future Is on the Line [6.17]
- 6.18 George Decides to Sta-Local Where It's Familia [6.18]
- 7 Cast
- 8 External links
- [Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]
- Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.
- George: What are you doing?
- [George takes the hot dogs]
- Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn! Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!
- George: Didn't you change the blade?
- Carmen: No, was I supposed to?
- George: Sweetheart. That was the blade we used to shave grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.
- Carmen: Oh my god!
- Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.
- [Carmen leaves relieved]
- George: It wasn't a lie.
Curious George [1.02]
- George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?
- Duncan: Watching me sir?
- George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?
Happy Birthdays [1.03]
- George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?
- Angie: What?
- George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?
- Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.
- Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.
Max's Big Adventure [1.04]
- Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?
- George: No.
- Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!
- George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!
- Angie: George, you know what my favorite part of the play was? When you walked up to the teacher afterwards and demanded your tax dollars back.
- George: Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.
- Max: What's the movie?
- George: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I queued it up to the educational part.
- Angie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Are you insane?
- George: Not compared to them.
Who's Your Daddy? [2.01]
- Angie: Where is the water and shelter for this animal?
- Homeless Man: It's in my vacation box at the beach.
Token of Unappreciation [2.02]
- Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.
- Carmen: But she won't be there!
- George: Oh. See that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.
- [George and Angie talk to Carmen]
- Angie: Look, honey I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.
- George: Who was that?
- Angie: You don't know him.
- [George straightens up]
- George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.
Show Dyslexic The [2.03]
- Mrs. Wilder: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez, thank you for coming down. Let me start by saying Max is a joy to have in class.
- Angie: He's a joy at home.
- George: You know, and he likes you too. He draws all his favorite people in hell.
- Mrs. Wilder: Good! Look, Max is having real problems with his reading. Have you seen his centipede?
- George: ...I don't know what that's gotta do with reading, but in our house we call that a "weenus."
Halloween Cheer [2.04]
- Angie: You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.
- George: Hooliganism? How old is that report?
The Unnatural [2.05]
- Ernie: Hey, what are you doing?
- George: Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.
- Ernie: Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.
- Ernie [crossing out words in George's ad]: Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this, this, and this. Now read it to me.
- George: "Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."
- Ernie: Well, at least it grabs you.
- George: Yeah, but where?
No Free Launch [2.06]
- [Debbie knocks on the door at George's house]
- Angie [waving at Debbie]: Oh no, that's Debbie Mickens with the PTA coming to collect the money.
- George: "Collect the money"? What is she, the mob?
- Angie: Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.
- George: Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.
- Angie: Sign it.
- George: ...25 anniversary gifts.
The Wedding Dance [2.07]
- Curtis: Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?
- George: Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.
- Curtis: Your mom's behind you, G.
- George [yelling]: TURNS OUT HE'S ALIVE. MY MOM'S LIED TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.
Love Bites [2.08]
- [George and Angie are showing Carmen pictures of sexually transmitted diseases]
- George: This is gonorrhea. And these are genital warts.
- Carmen [repulsed]: Ugghhh.
- George: Not so happy you talked me into that color printer now, are you? The red really pops.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey [2.09]
- George: I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!
- Angie: You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?
- George: Oh. Take your time, kids.
- Carmen: What's up?
- George: I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.
- Max: Really?
- George: I might have even found you two grandpas!
- George: Were there any calls?
- Marisol: Yeah.
- George: Well, who called?
- [Marisol hands over a note with the messages she wrote down]
- George [reading from the note]: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating." That doesn't make any sense.
- Marisol: I know, huh?
- George: "The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!
- Marisol: Hey! Now this other message makes sense!
- George [reading from Marisol's other note]: "You missed your heating."
Meet the Cuban Parents [2.11]
- George: Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?
- Max: Yeah!
- George: Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.
- Max [running to Vic]: Grandpaaaa!
This Old Casa [2.12]
- Benny: Oh hey Mr. peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8 am sharp.
- George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.
- [George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]
- Angie: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?
- George: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!
Super Bowl [2.13]
- [Benny and Angie are talking about George]
- Benny: Oh, he's scared of death. Ever since he was a kid.
- Angie: He never told me that. Did something happen?
- Benny: Oh, just the kind of stuff that really is out of a parent's control.
- Angie: Like what?
- Benny: Like, um, I lied to him and told him that his dad died when he was four. That probably didn't help.
- Angie: Mm-hmm.
- Benny: And then, he was really scared, and he asked me if he was ever gonna die.
- Angie: And what did you say?
- Benny: I said no. I said, "when you grow up, they will have cured all of the diseases, and you're gonna live forever." Now, that one wasn't my fault, science let me down.
The Valentine's Day Massacre [2.14]
- Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I didn't know Marisol was coming back. I tried to paint it myself, but... halfway through it started looking like a monkey with boobs.
- Marisol: I know one monkey with boobs that owes me some money!
- Ernie: Oh yeah? Well get it from Mariah Carey, 'cause that's who you painted!
Girl Fight [2.15]
- [Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]
- Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!
- George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!
- Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir...
- Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?
- George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wus!
- Adam: Hey, I am not a wus.
- [George rips Adam's poem in half]
- Adam: [cries] MY POEM!
- George: You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.
- Adam: Who's Justin?
- George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...
- [Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]
George vs. George [2.16]
- George: Is there a George Lopez here?
- George II: You got it, man.
- George: So you're George Lopez?
- George II: If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.
- George: [taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?
- George II: I didn't say my middle name.
- George: No, you didn't, did you?
- [George II stands up, concerned]
- George II: Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.
- George: Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.
- George II: Dude, what are you talking about?
- George: You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?
- [George II gets his wallet out]
- George II: [shows his license] It's George Lopez.
- George: Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?
- George II: Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.
- George: Why not?
- George II: Somebody might steal my identity.
- [puts it with the others]
- George: Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.
- George & George II: 849-220-6460.
- [George turns away, then back, looking serious. George II glares]
- George: Oh, no, you're good.
- George II: Look, I don't know how this makes up happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.
- George: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.
- George II: Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.
- [George walks out]
A Kiss is Just a Kiss [2.17]
- Max: Aunt Gloria kissed dad!
- Angie: That's how people say goodbye, Max.
- Max: No, in the garage, last night.
- George: Ohh...
- Angie: What?!
- Max: In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.
- George: Left the city, man, not the porch!
Profiles in Courage [2.18]
- Jack: You like me?
- George: Not really.
- Jack: That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.
- George: Thank you, Jack.
Secrets and Lies [2.19]
- Gina: Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.
- Benny: Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.
Girls Night Out [2.20]
- Angie [to Max]: Hey honey, you hungry? I made some veggie burgers. I got one left!
- Max: No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.
- Angie: ...What?!
- Max: That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.
- George: Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.
- Max: Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.
- Benny: You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.
- Max [to George]: Can I get a gun permit?
- George: Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.
- [George and Angie are mad at Carmen]
- George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"
I Only Have Eyes on You [2.21]
- George: Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?
- Angie: No, I think they love us both equally.
- [Max comes downstairs]
- George: Hey Max.
- Max: Hey dad.
- George: Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.
- Angie: George!
Team Leader [2.22]
- Benny: Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow, because he's a shooter.
- George: They're not firing anybody, they're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.
- Benny: Ernie? Well he can't lead a fly to dog poop!
George Has Two Mommies [2.23]
- Angie: Come on you guys, let's just try to forget about the money and have some breakfast. How about some scrambled eggs, we'll call my dad for a loan and maybe some french toast?
- George: No, I'm not taking money from your dad.
- Angie: Okay, okay. Then how about some waffles, please just swallow your pride, and maybe some orange juice?
Long Time No See [2.24]
- George: Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?
- Benny: Yes.
- George: What?
- Benny: Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.
Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 1) [3.01]
Dubya, Dad and Dating (Part 2) [3.02]
The Cuban Missus Crisis [3.03]
Feel the Burn [3.04]
Carmen's Dating [3.05]
Split Decision [3.06]
No One Gets Out Alive [3.07]
Bringing Home The Bacon [3.08]
Fishing Cubans [3.09]
Would You Like a Drumstick or a Kidney? [3.10]
Christmas Punch [3.12]
Why You Crying? [3.13]
The Trouble with Ricky [3.14]
God Needles George [3.15]
Benny and Randy [3.16]
Weekend at Benny's [3.17]
Jason Tutors Max [3.18]
Angie Gets Tanked [3.19]
The Art of Boxing [3.20]
George's House of Cards [3.21]
Dance Fever [3.22]
She Drives Me Crazy [3.23]
George Goes to Disneyland [3.24]
Bachelor Party [3.25]
Wrecking Ball [3.26]
What George Doesn't Noah... [3.27]
Now George Noah Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened [3.28]
- [George is talking to Benny about his childhood]
- George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?
- Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.
- [Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her birthday]
- Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car?
- Benny: [laughs]
- Carmen: ...okay, dad, how old were you when grandma got you a car?
- [George and Benny both laugh]
- Carmen: Okay, okay. None of you guys got cars. But aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?
- George: [explodes with laughter] HAA!!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding!
- Benny: [laughs]
George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack [4.01]
- George: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.
- Carmen: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.
- George: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.
- George: [to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.
- Carmen: Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.
- George: We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.
- Carmen: Dad, I didn't do anything!
- George: Don't lie to me!
- Carmen: I didn't! You raised me better that that!
- George: No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.
- Carmen: Yeah, you were, and every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about.
Landlord Almighty [4.02]
George of the Rings [4.03]
Home Sweet Homeschool [4.04]
Leave It to Lopez [4.05]
- Benny: (as Rosie the Robot in the Jetsons sketch) Here I am Mrs. J. I was just watching my favorite soap opera, The Young and the Rustless. (laughs)
- Doctor: (in the Munsters' sketch, listening to George's heart) Your heart is as healthy as a horse's.
- George: (as Herman) It should be, it won the Kentucky Derby.
- George: (as Ward Cleaver, to Max) I'm not going to die. I eat red meat three times a day and smoke like a chimney, just like the doctor says.
Sk8r Boyz [4.06]
The Simple Life [4.07]
Trouble in Paradise [4.08]
E. I., E. I.? Oh [4.09]
A Clear and Presentless Danger [4.10]
Prescription for Trouble [4.11]
Friends Don't Let Friends Marry Drunks [4.12]
George to the 3rd Power [4.13]
George Gets Assisterance [4.14]
Sabes Quake [4.15]
George Takes A Stroll Down Memory Pain [4.16]
George Buys a Vow [4.17]
George Watcha's Out for Jason [4.18]
George's Grand Slam [4.19]
George Needs Anchor Management [4.20]
George's Relatively Bad Idea [4.21]
George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition [4.22]
George Stare-oids Down Jason [4.23]
George Negoti-ate It [4.24]
George Gets a Pain in the Ash [5.01]
- George (to Benny): Your house burnt down.
- Benny: That's not funny.
- Angie: It's no joke. That's why we thought you were dead.
- George (to Carmen): There's no way you're gettin' married.
- Carmen: Fine, then I'll just get pregnant and move to Georgia (breaks into a Southern accent) 'cuz I don't need y'all's consent down there.
- George: (about Carmen) Angie, tell me you had an affair with Garth Brooks and that she's not mine!
You Dropped a Mom on Me [5.02]
- [While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]
- Ernie: (first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...
- Angie: That's not bad.
- Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.
- George: Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.
- Ernie: Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition.
- Carmen: When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.
- Max: When he said that, was your shirt on or off?
- Angie: Upstairs!
- Max: It matters...
George's Dog Days of Bummer [5.03]
- Benny (to George): I haven't seen you that scared since that Halloween when I chased you around the house with a knife!
- George: That might've been funny on Halloween, but it was Easter.
George Drives the Batmobile [5.04]
Trick or Treat Me Right [5.05]
George Takes a Sentimental Ernie [5.06]
George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial [5.07]
George Tries to Write a Wrong [5.08]
George Discovers Benny's Sili-Con Job [5.09]
George Says I Do... More in This Marriage [5.10]
George is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family [5.11]
George Enrolls Like That [5.12]
George Keeps Truant to Himself [5.13]
The Kidney Stays in the Picture [5.14]
A Funeral Brings George to His Niece [5.15]
George Gets Caught in a Powers Play [5.16]
George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother [5.17]
George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light [5.18]
George Gets Cross Over Freddie [5.19]
George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money [5.20]
George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits [5.21]
It's a Cliffhanger, By George [5.22]
- Carmen: I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.
- Angie (to George about her being pregnant): Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.
- George: A Cambodian kid?!
- Angie: NO! I might be pregnant.
- George: What? Oh, hell no. HELL NO! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!
George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien [6.01]
- George (to Ernie): Why didn't you tell me they were moving the factory?
- Ernie: I left you a message.
- George: Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.
- Ernie: Why?
- George: Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"
- George (after the cops said they just wanted to question Benny but arrested her on sight): Hey, you lied to me! That's why nobody likes cops. You never see a fireman saying "Jump" and then he takes away the trampoline thing!
George's House Has Two Empty Wombs [6.02]
- Vic (to Angie): I thought you said your pregnancy was a false alarm?
- Angie: It was. But I saw how excited George was that I didn't have the heart to tell him.
- Vic: So, what are you gonna do nine months from now? Wrap a basketball in a blanket and say "Look, he's got your head?"
- [After George is refusing to sleep with Angie]
- Angie: I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've been avoiding me all day. Now get upstairs! We're doing this, Alice!
George Nieces a New Media Room [6.03]
- George: Angie, we'll deal with your screwed-up family later. Right now we need to get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.
- Angie: George, I need to talk to you.
- George: No one talks in the George Lopez media room except Clint Eastwood and those guys begging not to be killed by Clint Eastwood.
George Testi-Lies for Benny [6.04]
- Angie (to George): I hope what you just found out isn't going to affect your testimony.
- George: Just a little at the end. (reading his speech for court) "I don't think my mom should go to jail for an old robbery when her real crime... is giving away her only son! I HATE HER, I HATE HER SO MUCH! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury."
- [After learning that George discovered that Benny tried to give him away]
- Angie: Honey, you know how much I love you, but... I have to say, your life is really jacked up.
Sabes Gay, It's George's Fantasy Episode [6.05]
- Gina (to Ernie): You're not my type.
- Ernie: I'm a man and I have a pulse!
- George (to Angie): Our vows were to love, honor and cherish each other. I don't have to tell you nothing.
George Thinks Vic's Fiancée is Lion about Being a Cheetah [6.06]
- [George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]
- George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.
George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good [6.07]
- [After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]
- George: You have drooled over my wife since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to think she was hot, you say no?!
- Ernie: I didn't want to show it. Not in this outfit.
George's Grave Mistake Sends Him to a Funeral, Holmes [6.08]
- George (to Angie): Did you and your mom have any unresolved conflicts?
- Angie: I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.
- George: Oh, I'm sorry Angie. I didn't know that.
- Angie (crying): I can never take it back. I can never tell her I'm sorry.
- George: How many times has Carmen said she hated you?
- Angie: Forty-seven.
- George: You counted?
- Angie: Yeah, it hurt.
- George: Of all those times did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?
- Angie: No.
- Benny: What were you gonna do with me when I die?
- George: Pet cemetery!
George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante [6.09]
- Max (to George): What if I end up like Ernie?
- George: A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.
- George: (after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!
George is Maid to be Ruth-Less [6.10]
- George (to Ruth about Benny): That's my mom. You may have heard of her. After her last confession, Father John was seen in the shower saying "I can't get clean. I can't get clean."
- Ruth: You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."
- George: When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."
George is Lie-able for Benny's Unhappiness [6.11]
George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La [6.12]
[George and Ernie walk into the backyard, George sees Angie looking at the family bills.]
- George: Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.
- Ernie: So? What's the big deal?
- George: I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.
- Ernie: You hide things you buy from your wife?!
- George: (imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!
George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed [6.13]
- Vic: (to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?
George Gets Smoking Mad at Benny and Develops an Órale Fixation [6.14]
- George: (to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!
- Angie (to George): What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?
- George: I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and the better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."
George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie [6.15]
- Angie: (after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!
- (Benny snatches the bat from Angie)
- Benny: You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.
- [When George is planning to threaten a neighbor into taking down a racist statue]
- George (while holding a bat): You know what they call this in the hands of a Judo master?
- Angie: The last thing he touches before he dies?
George's Bogey-ous Relationship with Vic Is Putt to the Test [6.16]
- Vic (to George): What the hell is wrong with you?
- George: Like you care. (walks away)
George Thinks Max's Future Is on the Line [6.17]
- Angie [to Max]: I know you had a good time working at the factory, but it's not your future.
- Angie [to George]: Would you please talk some sense into your son?
- George: Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.
- Max: But, I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.
- George: Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?
- Max: ...No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.
George Decides to Sta-Local Where It's Familia [6.18]
- George: You don't go to war without a general! You don't play football without a quarterback! You don't have a wolf pack without... what's the head wolf called?
- Ernie: The lone wolf?
- George: The lone wolf can't be the leader, he's alone!
- Ernie: Maybe they're following him, but he doesn't know it.
- George: Do you want to go to the factory or do you want to talk about wolves?
- Ernie: I wanna go to the factory, but can we talk about wolves on the way?
- Mr. Vega (to George): You've either got a lot of guts or you're an idiot.
- George: Maybe I'm both, you don't know me!
- George Lopez - George Lopez
- Constance Marie - Angela "Angie" Lopez
- Valente Rodriguez - Ernesto "Ernie" Cardenas
- Masiela Lusha - Carmen Lopez
- Luis Armand Garcia - Maximilian "Max" Lopez
- Belita Moreno - Benita "Benny" Lopez
- Emiliano Díez - Victor "Vic" Palmero
- Aimee Garcia - Veronica Palmero