Ghost Stories

Ghost Stories (学校の怪談 Gakkō no Kaidan, lit. "School Ghost Stories") (2000), also known as Ghosts at School, is a 20-episode anime series created in 2000 by animation studio Pierrot and Aniplex for Fuji Television, based on a book series by Tōru Tsunemitsu.

The series was licensed for the North American market by ADV Films whose English dub replaced the original script with a comedic one. ADV's dubbed version retains the basic plot structure and storyline, but alters much of the dialog into comedy written by ADV screenwriter Steven Foster and ad-libbed by the voice actors.

Tonight, the Spirits Will Be Resurrected! Amanojaku [Episode 1]

[the Miyanoshitas move in to their grandparents' old house]

Reiichirou: [to movers] Put that in the back room.

Mover: You got it.

Reiichirou: The rest of them will be all right. The movers will take care of it. Don't worry.

Grandpa: Why you want to live in your dead wife's old house is beyond me. It's sick! You're sick!

Satsuki: Wow, Dad! Grandpa's place is so big! Can we go upstairs?

Reiichirou: Sure! Just don't bother them.

[Satsuki and Keiichiro run upstairs]

Grandpa: [about his wife beside him] When this bitch kicks, I'm moving to Vegas.

[Reiichirou laughs]

---

[Satsuki catches Hajime spying on her]

Hajime: Ooh, white panties. Yo. My name's Hajime. You're the new transfer student, aren't ya?

Satsuki: Yes, but it's none of your business. I guess you're the new pervert?

Hajime: [indignantly] Whatever! I was here first, you know! Listen, you flashed me. Remember that!

Reiichirou: Satsuki! Keiichiro! Help me with your mother, will ya?

Satsuki and Keiichiro: Okay!

[Reiichirou bends his knees to help Satsuki reach the photograph on top of the box he is holding]

Reiichiro: Just grab her picture.

[Satsuki grabs the photograph and taunts Hajime]

Hajime: [ponders] So, she doesn't have a mother. Sad.

The Hand that Came out of the Toilet... Red Paper, Blue Paper [Episode 2]

[Amanojaku follows Satsuki and Keiichiro to school]

Satsuki: What are you doing? Quit following us!

Amanojaku: You two morons are just walking in front of me. Watch for dogs.

Satsuki: Go home. We're going to school.

Amanojaku: Sounds good. I don't have anything better to do.

Satsuki: You're a cat now, stupid.

Amanojaku: For your information, I've been haunting that school before you two blew into town.

Keiichiro: I think he's got a point.

Satsuki: Don't take his side, if you know what's good for you. I can't believe our sweet precious cat is now possessed by a Keebler elf reject. With bad gas.

[This angers Amanojaku, who uses his psychic powers to send a can into Satsuki's path. She trips and falls.]

Amanojaku: That'll teach you to make fun of me. The Lord Amanojaku.

Leo: [coming from behind, with Hajime] This is fascinating! Even though he's trapped in a cat's body, he still possesses ghostly powers. Kinda like David Blaine.

Satsuki: Save it for the science fair.

Leo: You're just jealous of my psychical research. You know what Harvard's president said about girls and science.

Hajime: You may know about science, but you don't know diddly about girls.

Leo: I'm just waiting for a nice Jewish girl! Yeah.

Satsuki: [dusting herself off] Break it up, ladies.

Keiichiro: Hey, wait! Shouldn't you guys know how to do it? I mean, how to turn Caya back to normal?

Leo: What?

Satsuki: That's right! You're the psychical researcher, aren't you?

Leo: That is my area of expertise. But except for a few pale Trekkies, this is the creepiest thing I've ever come in contact with.

Amanojaku: Well, then. What good are you?

Satsuki: You're not coming up with ideas.

Amanojaku: [annoyed] If I could, I would've said my goodbyes long ago.

Hajime: Well, we have learned one thing.

Leo: What'd we learn? What'd I miss?

Hajime: Yes, one thing.

Satsuki: What?

Hajime: [to Satsuki] Your light blue Hanes are total chode material.

[Cut to the sky before a loud smack is heard, then Amanojaku laughing.]

---

Hajime: I'm too young to die. The only person I've had sex with is my babysitter.

Raise the Curtain! Cursed School Arts Festival Kutabe! [Episode 3]

[Lightning has struck the auditorium, causing damage.]

Satsuki: I guess the school fine arts festival's not gonna happen.

Leo: I can't believe it. And I stayed up all night working on my costume and props. [shows his handiwork]

Momoko: Oh, my. What a gifted seamstress. I hope you're not a homosexual.

Leo: A Jew who can act and sew, so obviously I'm gay. I'm not gay, you born-again homophobe halfwit!

---

Spiritual Sleep Spell: Kutabe! Kutabe! Kick the bucket! Kutabe! Kutabe! You can suck it!

Keiichiro: Kutabe! Kutabe...! Oh, are we done?

Requim From the Dead - Elise [Episode 4]

Hajime: [after a run-in with the music instructor] Ugh, the music teacher. What a bitch.

---

[Keiichiro walks in on Satsuki washing dishes]

Keiichiro: You're gonna die.

Satsuki: [patiently] I'm not gonna die.

Keiichiro: Are you sure you're not gonna die?

Satsuki: Are you talking about the piano ghost?

[Keiichiro cries out]

Satsuki: I'm sure I'll live a long, miserable life of heartbreak and alcoholism before a ghost takes me out.

Keiichiro: [in tears] If you're lying, thank you.

Satsuki: [turns to her brother] I told you I'm going to be fine. Why are you still crying?

Keiichiro: Beacuse these pajamas are gay.

Satsuki: Yeah.

Keiichiro: [happily] You think so too? Thanks. I thought it was just me! Good night!

The Bloody Sports Festival - Datto! [Episode 5]

Satsuki: Joel Osteen's church wouldn't be my choice for a vacation.

Momoko: If you prefer, we could go to Praise World in Topeka.

Satsuki: I'll stick with Knott's Berry Farm. Thanks. [slips and falls]

[Hajime and Leo, after snapping a photograph, are right behind]

Hajime: So much for Twyla Tharp callin' your ass!

Satsuki: I hate you.

[Hajime babbles mockingly and incoherently; translation: "Thanks for the view."]

Satsuki: Laugh it up. I'd save the developing costs if I were you. [lifts up her skirt] BAM! For the rest of the semester, it's gonna be bike shorts from Nike!

Hajime: Damn it! She's on to me.

---

Satsuki: A car accident, huh? Must've been hit by an old Chinaman. I don't mean to be racist, but those people cannot drive.

Keiichiro: I know. [pause] But that's beside the point. I think he was lonely.

Hajime: After all that training, you're still such a little bitch.

Satsuki: But for a ghost, Datto wasn't such a bad guy.

Leo: Yeah, weren't you the one checking out his butt at the track the other day?

Satsuki: You can shut up. Narc.

Leo: No! It's okay. I mean, he had a nice butt. Even I noticed. It's okay.

Satsuki: Just drop it!

Leo: I don't know why you're so ashamed about it. You're a butt chick. I don't mind.

[Keiichiro takes his medal off his chest]

Satsuki: What are you doing?

Keiichiro: Datto can have it. The pin keeps sticking my nipple. Here! [hurls the medal into the sky]

Everyone else: Aw. Little bitch.

The Demon's Hand Splits the Door - Night of Tragedy [Episode 6]

[Satsuki has Momoko finish cooking]

Satsuki: Let's eat!

Momoko: Let's pray first!

Amanojaku: [laughs] You need to pray.

Satsuki: God, don't you have anything better to do?

Amanojaku: Let me put it this way: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before Dad gets home."

Satsuki: Alright, how'd you hear?

Amanojaku: One who walks with the lotus cheetah seeks the magnolia mountain in springtime.

Satsuki: Don't screw with me! If you know something, just say it!

Amanojaku: [mockingly] I won't do it! [normal voice] If you're so smart, figure it out yourself. Or die trying! [laughs]

---

[Momoko opens the door to Hajime]

Hajime: Hello.

Momoko: Oh, look. A different heathen.

Satsuki: [annoyed] It's you. Get lost!

Hajime: [steps into the house] Come on! Let me see what happens on girl's night.

Satsuki: Mind your own business.

Hajime: Oh, my. Sounds like you bailed on We. [sniffs the air] And switched to Rachel Ray. Love her! [walks past Satsuki and Momoko]

Satsuki: [after a beat] She's fat.

The Soul-Stealing Mirror! Utsushimi! [Episode 7]

[Satsuki and Hajime run from mirror clones and come across a police station]

Hajime: A police station! Thank God! I never thought I'd be happy to see one of those things! [they enter the station] Hey, put the donuts down! Drop the Krispy Kremes, Serpico! We need your help here!

Satsuki: The people in my house look like my father and my brother after an eye master's exam, but it's not them!

Hajime: Yeah! [babbles incoherently; translation: They're impostors! They wear glasses, but they don't have eyes!]

---

Satsuki: Why on Earth did we decide to hole up in the old school house? Why? Why?!

Hajime: Because the mall was closed. I don't know.

Satsuki: We passed REI, we passed on Oshman's. We passed Neiman's, for Christ's sakes! You're an IDIOT!

The Circuit Connects to Hell - Demon of the Underworld [Episode 8]

Satsuki: You know, kids would stop talking about you if you'd get out more. Kinda de-geek yourself.

Leo: Geeks run the world!

Satsuki: But they're not getting their pee-pees waxed now, are they? [holds out a fast food restaurant coupon] Here.

Leo: What's the catch?

Satsuki: Oh, my God! Their stock is in the toilet! And now they have fruit salads, chicken tenders, and tofu fries!

Hajime: Why would you eat there? Didn't you see Super Size Me?

Satsuki: They had a coupon in the paper, and I know what a tight ass you are. Besides, they've got an Æon Flux giggity meal.

Hajime: What?! An Æon Flux giggity meal?! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God! A pocket-sized Charlize Theron of my very own to carry around with me all day long! SWEET! There is a God!

Satsuki: Better get extra napkins with yours. Can't believe I said that. So it's settled! Let's meet at the creepy train station.

---

[the gang enters the computer lab to find Leo]

Satsuki: His computer's still on! He's in trouble!

Keiichiro: Dude, we're gettin' a Dell.

Satsuki: "Dude" got busted for pot.

---

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The Nurse Who Tells Your Death - Mother's Feelings [Episode 12]

[Satsuki and Momoko search the hospital halls for Keiichirou]

Nurse: ¡No corran en el hospital, cabrones!

Satsuki: ¿Perdon, has visto al niño que luce que esta en el primo grado?

Nurse: ¡No, estupidas!

Satsuki: [sets off] ¡A veo! !Gracias!

Nurse: ¡Dije que no corran!

The Picture That Swallows People - Da Vinci [Episode 13]

Satsuki: Okay. I'll smoke Da Vinci with incense, and you chant the spell.

Kayako: So bossy.

Hajime: What are we doin'?

Satsuki: Smoking Da Vinci with incense while she chants the spell! GOD!

---

Kayako: [chants her spell] Paint, paint, dry real quick!

Da Vinci is a big, fat dick!

---

The Devil's Spell - Rite of Darkness [Episode 15]

Satsuki: Tony Orlando good-luck ribbon for good grades to come to me, Paris Hilton slut kilt for a tighter ass, and a suppository for a flatter tummy. There. I'm good to go!

---

Satsuki: [attempts to make a phone call] Moshi-moshi? I mean, hello. I'm sorry to call you at this hour. Can I speak to Tomomi?

Woman: Tomomi? Ain't no Tomomi girl livin' here. Sober up.

Satsuki: [gasps]

Woman: Get your crackhead ass into some rehab. I ain't got time for this bull--

[Satsuki hangs up and drops her phone]

Satsuki: Mother-[bleep]-ker!

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Cast

• Hilary Haag - Satsuki Miyanoshita
• Chris Patton - Hajime Aoyama
• Greg Ayres - Leo Kakinoki
• Monica Rial - Momoko Koigakubo
• Christine Auten - Keiichiro Miyanoshita
• Rob Mungle - Amanojaku
• Tommy Drake - Mr. Sakata
• Illich Guardiola - Reiichirou Miyanoshita
• Marcy Bannor - Kayako Miyanoshita