Prologue: Now, this isn't a Heterodyne story like your mama tells you when she tucks you in at night...well, not exactly. Oh, we all know they're out there somewhere, fighting the good fight, but right here and right now, the Heterodyne Boys are gone. Their lands are overrun, their machines destroyed, their servants scattered, and nothing remains but their name. At least, that's what everyone thinks...
Dr Merlot: Gilgamesh Wulfenbach is the Baron's only heir. I've heard rumors that the Baron is testing him, trying to determine if the Spark burns as brightly in him as it does in his sire.
Dr Glassvitch: And if it does not?
Unit Commander Zudok: Dis is Baron Wulfunbach, sveethot! He vill break him down for parts and try again!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Another test, Father? I am begining to find this tiresome.
Klaus Wulfenbach: It is much like raising children then. But I persevere for the moment.
Unit Commander Zudok: (After Dr Beetle is blown up) Hey, I von't say he vas shtupid, but I hain't findin' a whole lotta brains around here!
Dr Merlot: But...my work...I just wanted to do...something important...
Agatha: He was trying to turn chalk into cheese.
Unit Commander Zudok: Vot's de matta, gurl?
Agatha: They sent you out to eat me!
Unit Commander Zudok: Hy em not gun eatchu.
(Agatha continues screaming)
Unit Commander Zudok: Onless dats de only vay to shot hyu op!!
Sergeant: Ah- go kees an hoctopoos. Oh vait, you mama already deed! Heh. (said to a four armed construct)
Nickodeamus Yurkofsky: There is a pecking order around here. Some take it more seriously than others.
Sleipnir: It factors in family lineage, Sparkiness, and some other nonsense.
Agatha Clay: Meaning?
Sleipnir: Welcome to the bottom of the heap.
Agatha Clay: Again with this von Pinn. Who is she?
Sleipnir: She's in charge of us kids. She's a fearsome thing of the Baron's. A construct.
Agatha Clay: I've...heard of constructs raising children. They did okay.
Sleipnir: She loves us, she raised us and cared for us, but...she's terrifying.
Z: When she's angry...well- we all try not to make her angry. That's all.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Look, I'm really sorry about Dr Beetle. His death was a complete waste, but-
Agatha Clay: But he threw a bomb at you. Yes, you've said.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: NO! I think he threw a bomb at you!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Let's talk about von Zinzer.
Agatha Clay: ...Who?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Moloch von Zinzer? The man you build clanks with? In your underwear? Your boyfriend? Your lover? Ring a bell?
Agatha Clay: I never! He's nnn-
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: ..."Nnn"? As in, nnnot your boyfriend?
Agatha: No! As in he's nnnice.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: "Nice?"
Ardsley Wooster: Miss Clay! Where is Master Gilgamesh?
Agatha Clay: He's through there, Mr Wooster. Just follow the wreckage.
Student 1: No- that's not how they worked!
Student 2: Oh, like you'd know!
Student 1: I know enough to do basic research on biomechanics!
Student 2: The only thing around here that's basic is your grasp of the theories behind mechanical forces!!
Othar Tryggvassen: You can be my Spunky Girl Sidekick. I'm fresh out at the moment. Release me and we'll blow up the Baron's Dirigible of Doom, escape by the skin of our teeth and then it's cocoa and schnapps all round!
(Agatha has stumbled upon Othar's prison, but is discovered by two Jägerkin guards)
Gorb: Dot idiot secret door. Dey gotta git rid of dot ting. Vell, let's just keel her.
Othar Tryggvassen: Fiends. Kill her and I'll tell the baron.
Gorb: Vell, mebbe ve keel you too, schmot guy.
Minsk: Gorb. Dis iz turnink into vun of dose plans...hyu know, de kind vere ve keel everybody dot notices dot ve's keelin' people?
Gorb: It is?
Minsk: Uh huh. And how do dose alvays end?
Gorb: De dirigible iz in flames, everyboddyz dead an' I've lost my hat.
Minsk: Dot's right. Und any plan vere you lose you hat iz?
Gorb: A bad plan?
Misnk: Right again!
Agatha Clay: Look. How about you don't kill me and I won't mention that you let me get in.
Minsk: Hoy! Excellent! Vot a schmot gurl!
Gorb: You mean dis is vun of dose plans vere ve don't kill anybody!?
Minsk: To be "personell", you gots to be person. I iz Jägerkin, vitch iz better. Und you is jumped-up lackey boy vit delusions of authority.
Minsk: Oh, trouble. Phtht. De lackya iz veak.
Agatha Clay: Lackya?
Minsk: Yah. De Baron inherited dem ven ve smacked down de Gilded Duke last year. Dey is zuper-engineered sqvirrels or sumting. Dey gots to serve somebody. Zo de Baron has dem delivering messages und annoying pipple. Keeps dem busy.
General Khrizhan: Vun ting ve Jägerkin understend is dat krezy exidents happen, right boyz?
Andre: Sigh...tvice I haff felt de touch uf her hand as it caressed my face...see de scar? Vunce her elbow lingered as it vas buried in my kidney. And vunce, ven her teeth seek my throat, I gaze into her eyes und-
Agatha Clay: You're crazy! She was trying to kill you!
Young Agatha Clay: But how can they protect me if they aren't here? That's illogical.
Uncle Barry: Um...It's science.
Young Agatha Clay: Ah. You mean you'll explain when I have a sufficiently advanced educational background.
(After discovering Agatha in a lab in her underwear)
Boris: You are expected to get work done, Mr von Zinzer. Perhaps another assistant...
Moloch von Zinzer: No no no! She's...it's just the science stuff, it, um...it really gets her excited...
Agatha Clay: Oh. I'm dreaming again. How disappointing.
Krosp: You work with mad scientists and you're surprised at a talking cat? I'm the one who's disappointed.
Agatha Clay: Okay, I'm sorry. You really talk. You just startled me.
Krosp: Right. Well, anyway, I'm going to help you.
Agatha Clay: Help me. Right. Do I need to get you some boots?
Othar Tryggvassen: You'll excuse me if I don't share your enthusiasm, you twisted fiend!
Klaus Wulfenbach: Quite all right. I'm used to it.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Ah, that whole "quality of life" question. I'm working very hard on that. I'm getting much better.
Lakya: Young DuMedd refused to report for grease trap duty. He had hidden himself in one of the labs.
Theo DuMedd: I wasn't hiding. I was working.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Really? On what?
Theo DuMedd: On an automatic grease-trap cleaner, Herr Baron.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Ah hmm. How unsurprising. But I must insist that such things be pursued in your free time. Think of it as inspiration.
Theo DuMedd: I have a surfeit of inspiration, sir.
Othar Tryggvassen: The boy is not stupid. A web of lies can unravel with the lightest touch of truth!
Bangladesh DuPree: Klaus, are you torturing this man?
Klaus Wulfenbach: No.
Othar Tryggvassen: Yes! Help!
Bangladesh DuPree: Oooohh! He asked me to help! A wise choice! Nobody knows more about torture than me.
Klaus Wulfebach: I believe he expected you to rescue him.
Bangladesh DuPree: What- is he stupid?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Zoing, Miss Clay will be helping us now.
Zoing: Schmeka teee?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: No, that's still your job.
Othar Tryggvassen: Gilgamesh! So- all the vipers are in residence!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Get wound, Othar. I can't believe you still talk like that.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Miss Clay. A good assistant is one who trusts her employer. A live assistant is one who doesn't meddle. Please go fetch the maintenance staff.
Doctor: Ah- it is part of the power of the gifted. Those around them wish to aid them. To serve them. Even when we know them to be monsters.
Agatha Clay: I...I want to make things. I see them in my head. But they never work. I get headaches. I can't concentrate. I feel so useless sometimes. I don't know what I'm good for.
Krosp: ...You got me something to eat.
Agatha Clay: Oh, good. I can serve the king of cats.
Krosp: I accept your fealty.
Agatha Clay: I built something that works!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: You'll have to get used to that- being a Spark and all.
Agatha Clay: I...built something that works...a Spark...
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I certaintly hope so. Because if you're not, then I'm never going to find out what this is all about.
Agatha Clay: Is...is that your fencing clank?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: The fencing clank...part of the wrecked flying machine...bits of the furnace and the mechanical orchestra...my good lathe and a pneumatic nut cracker.
Agatha clay: I really like nuts.
Agatha Clay: What am I doing? The Baron's labs are probably even bigger than Gil's! How can I find Othar quickly?
Othar Tryggvassen: AH-HA! The damsel answers the call of adventure!
Agatha clay: There's also, of course, the question of why I'm doing this...
Agatha Clay: Are you okay?
Othar Tryggvassen (hanging upside down): HA! Othar Tryggvasson laughs at such a question!
Agatha Clay: Probably because all the blood's in your head.
Othar Tryggvassen: That's certaintly part of it!
Klaus Wulfenbach: Excellent. I'm pleased at the lack of rivalry.
Jagerkin General: Sir- dere iz a time to twit nancy-boy feetsmen und a time to crush bogs.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Well said. Forgive me, General.
Agatha Clay: Fine. So what you're telling me is that you, Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, the person next-in-line to the despotic, iron-fisted rule of the Wulfenbach empire, have got no weapons powerful enough to destroy those things. That's just great. What kind of evil overlord are you going to be, anyway?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Apparently, a better one than I thought.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I thought you didn't fence!
Agatha Clay: This isn't fencing! This is swinging wildly!
Agatha Clay: That's the worst proposal I've ever heard!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: You get a lot of them?
Agatha Clay: You want to marry me to annoy your father? How romantic.
Theo DuMedd: Wow. I never had any family before. I mean, that wasn't dead or missing. Or a head in a jar or something.
Othar Tryggvassen: What is the cause of everything wrong in the world today? Madboys. The Spark. They create monsters. Rip apart the cities with their constant fighting. They can't help it. They're like mad dogs. And you are one of them. You all have to die.
Agatha Clay: But you- you have the Spark!
Othar Tryggvassen: Yes! But I alone also have the resolve to do what must be done! I must hunt and destroy every Spark in existence. And then-then I can finally kill myself! And rid the world of this scrouge once and for all.
Krosp: Like it or not, you'll cause trouble just by existing.
Agatha Clay: All right then. Let's go cause some trouble.
Agatha Clay: So you don't live around here.
Balthazar Belloptrix: Nope! Just passing through like cheap beer!
Balthazar Belloptrix: Yes! For here you will find the greatest dissemblance of heroes in all of Europe.
Trish Belloptrix: That's 'assemblage', dear.
Zeetha: My people say that a good friend is a strong sword.
Madame Olga: Zeetha was- is- from this Skifander. It's some lost city in the jungle or something. A few years ago, they were 'discovered' by some expedition. The royal family decided to send one of its own out with them to see what the rest of the world was getting up to. Zeetha was chosen. On the way out, she got really sick. Feverish. She doesn't remember anything about the trip-except the hallucinations. Just when she was getting back on her feet, their ship was attacked by pirates. They killed everyone else on board, but took Zeetha prisoner. Found her hair exotic, I guess. They planned on selling her, so they took reasonably good care of her, though she was still locked up. By the time they got her back to their fortress, she was nice and healthy. Well, she wiped out all the pirates on the ship and then all the ships in the fleet, and had just finished off their fortress when she realized she'd killed everyone whoe might've known where she'd been picked up.
Lucrezia Mongfish: No, Klaus, it isn't a game. I am determined to change. I do love him. It should be enough. Besides, they always win. There must be something to their philosophy.
Master Payne: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen-to a show like no other. It is true that we bring you the usual amusments--sleight of hand, thrills, jokes both cheap and witty--but these can be had from any ragtag troupe of twopenny dreadful, and I can see that you are an audience that demands more! And we shall provide it! For tonight, we bring you a story of the Heterodynes! A story of brave heroes, dastardly villans, and monsters both human and non, all set against a background of blood and thunder, tragedy, subterfuge, revelations and true love, laughter and tears, science and magic! For before you tonight is the glittering company known throughout the world as MASTER PAYNE'S CIRCUS OF ADVENTURE!
Bangladesh DuPree: Hey! I'm working here! Do I come to your lab and tell you how to torture rats?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Frequently.
Bangladesh DuPree: So I know what I'm doing!
Bangladesh DuPree: Your problem is you're still thinking "fiancée". The word you want is "prisoner". She won't like it, but hey--she obviously didn't like "fiancée" very much, either.
Klaus Wulfenbach: DuPree. When I say the words "alive and unharmed", do any neurons fire in that brain of yours?
Bangladesh DuPree: Um...no sir!
Klaus Wulfenbach: Was my son upset?
Bangladesh DuPree: Oh, him? Yeah! He's all set to be a hero and rescue her--and then he finds out he'd need fireplace tongs to get her undressed? Yeah, upset is the word.
Zeetha: Know, Agatha Clay, that the warrior tradition of the royal house of Skifander is old, proud, and jealously guarded. In this life I am allowed to train one other besides my own daughters. I have chosen you. The bond between us will be stronger than that of friends...of family...of lovers. As of now, we are "kolee-dok-zumil."
Agatha Clay: What does that mean?
Zeetha: Ah...kind of hard to translate. Sort of like "teacher and student". Sort of like "cause and effect". (Whacking Agatha with her staff) Mostly, like "grindstone and knife".
Agatha Clay: What's your act?
Embi: Some music, some sleight-of-hand, some storytelling...mostly, I am short.
Embi: When I was young and rash, I made a sacred vow to see the world before I died. Frankly, I didn't know how big it was at the time.
Agatha Clay: ...But what has that got to do with your long life?
Embi: One of the problems with people here is that they do not take sacred vows at all seriously!
Master Payne: Miss Clay--do you have any ideas for calming him down?
Agatha Clay: Me? Heavens, no.
Master Payne: Excellent! Help me get him up, won't you?
Lars: Horse! Pie! Horse! Pie! Horse! Pie!
Agatha Clay: Well, it's late. I guess I'd better go-
Lars: NO! I want her to stay! Her!
Master Payne: Miss Clay? Why?
Lars: Because she's got a great big monster-killing gun, and I want it and her right here!
Krosp: Can't argue with that logic.
Abner: This time, do not ask if there are any vampires in the audience!
Dame Aedith: How was I supposed to know that guy was joking? Who'd joke about vampires?
Master Payne: (Gesturing to the Jägerkin who have been hanged) Performing next to corpses is disrespectful--and unhygenic!
Lars: Ah. Well, if that's the only problem...
Dimo: Sorry for de trouble!
Master Payne: They're still alive?
Zeetha: Skifander's patron goddess is Ashtara. She who, among other things, controls fertility. Our holy days are fun! Cha cha cha!
Agatha Clay: (Getting into character as Lucrezia Mongfish for a play) Yes! Yes! "I think too much, therefore I am mad!" Grr!
Agatha Clay: I am not your assistant. You tried to kill me.
Othar Tryggvassen: See? That's why partners shouldn't keep secrets from one another!
Head Guard: The...the town is...closed...until dawn.
Jenka: But the gate iz not closed. I merely seek- (she catches an arrow that was shot at her.) I forgive. (She snaps the arrow) Once.
Agatha Clay: (About the Jägerkin hanging in the square) You caught them by playing Hangman?
Othar Tryggvassen: Jägers love to play games, but they're fuzzy on the rules.
Krosp: (After an explosion) Agatha! Are you all right?
Agatha Clay: Heehee. Death ray go boom!
Agatha Clay: Oh. Lars gets hysterical after a fight. It's hard to calm him down.
Ognian: (Hitting Lars over the head) No it ain't!
Agatha Clay: Oh dear. I'm sure that's wrong. Although I can't think why...
Dimo: Vun of hyu people help us out, zo ve think ve should help hyu beck.
Ognian: Yah! And ve did it vitout killing anybody hyu know! Pretty goot, hey?
(After deciding that they wanted to join the circus)
Maxim: Hy tink hy iz de leading man type. Yah.
Ognian: Vots dot mean?
Maxim: Dot means hyu gets to kees de gurl.
Ognian: Hoo! Hy vant to be a leading man, too!
Maxim: Eediot. Hyu can't.
Ognian: Vy not?
Maxim: Dere's only vun leading man!
Ognian: Who sez?
Maxim: Iz obvious! If hyu gots two, dey lead in different directions!
Ognian: So vy hyu?
Maxim: Hy tink ov it first!
Ognian: Anyvay, dere vas two Heterodyne boyz!
Maxim: Say...hyu is right.
Ognian: Yah! Dot vay we both gets a gurl!
Maxim: I dunno. Zum ov de gurls dey keesed vos pretty scary.
Ognian: Anyvay, ve'd be keesing actresses. Und hyu know vot dey say about actresses!
Maxim: Vell, um, no.
Ognian: Yah, me neither. But hy bet ve find out if-
Dimo: Qviet, hyu eediots! If dey find out how irresistable ve iz to de vimmen, dey neffer let us join!
Master Payne and Abner: CLOWNS!
Lars: Wait--did I pass out? I've never done that before.
Ognian: Oh, dot. You gots smekked by a piece ov de bridge. Yah. Dot vos it. See? (Holds up a brick with writing on it that says "I hitt Mr Larz...syned, A Brik)
Lars: Ow! Okay, okay.
Lars: So...you think you can make an honest woman out of that naughty actress? Am I going to have to (gasp) move out?
Abner: Well, it's a big step.
Lars: It sure is.
Abner: But, you know, it feels right.
Lars: I'll bet it does.
Abner: Originally, she was run by a dwarf named Kurtz. He was killed three years ago by some bad clams.
Krosp: Bad clams?
Abner: Yes...they had axes.
Marie: Ergo, you're up to something. You've got a reason, but you didn't tell me. The only time you don't tell me is when you think it's dangerous. Because, being a fragile, sheltered noblewoman, I might faint at the thought of experiencing physical harm like a common person. And then I have to damage one of the good pans, by smacking it against your thick common skull until you tell me...
Dimo: Und for a nize doll like hyu, ve help wit all kinds of tings!
Marie: Oh! Remove your arm!
Dimo: Vot? Ho yaz, gots to be subtle in front uf de haitch-oh-zee-bee... bee... um... er... Hyu know, him. (Gestures to Master Payne)
Master Payne: Ah...so this is how it ends. I was hoping for more dignity.
Marie: What's that?
Dimo: Ho! I knows dot vun! My family vos musical! Dot's music!
Master Payne: No…you can't have Punch deliver Giovanni Mirandola’s Oration On The Dignity Of Man. What were you thinking?
Balthazar's father: Um…irony?
Pix: I was worried that this one might be too...sophisticated, but Agatha did just fine!
Abner: Yes, well. I only had her rehearse her lines. There was no context.
Agatha Clay: (off to the side, talking to Lars) -and when I asked him if that was a wrench in his pocket-
Agatha Clay: People keep giving me rings, but I think a small death ray might be more practical.
Anevka Sturmvoraus: Please, brother…save the flirtation for dessert. It will go well with the cheese.
Anevka Sturmvoraus: He’s very clever…for a boy who kept buttoning his shoes together.
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: I was four!
Anveka Sturmvoraus: Four and a half.
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Ignore her. As you can see, she still needs work.
Messenger: Well, you've had a lucky escape, sir. Not telling what she's capable of, if the Baron's after her, eh? Still, it's an ill wind that blows no one any good, eh? The prince has sent you a reward! Mighty generous says I, but "No bless obli cheese," says he.
Master Payne: ...Does he?
Messenger: All the time.
Ognian: Hah, ve valk in, ve valk out! Vill be piece of piroshki! (They come to the lightning moat) I chust gun shot op now.
Dimo: Vot do dey say about Miz Agatha?
Zeetha: Nothing. I can tell you much about the royal family... the guards... the servants... the horses... But about the young actress visiting the prince--not a word. Not a whisper. It's as if she were never there at all.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I always hoped I'd find...not just someone to marry, but a real partner. I've read about female Sparks all my life, but even in Paris--Paris, for pity's sake--just finding any girl that I could really talk to, about things I was working on--ideas--Well. But Miss Clay...she had the Spark. And...she liked me. She did. And I...liked her.
Ardsley Wooster: She ran away, leaving you with a slight concussion.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I know it wasn't perfect, but we could have-
Zoing: Heep! HEEP!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Wooster. This is very important. Do you fear me?
Ardsley Wooster: Sir?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: No, really. Be honest.
Ardsley Wooster: Ah...a little, I suppose.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: ...Okay, I can work with that.
Bangladesh DuPree: Hey, Boris! Where's the Baron hiding? Tell his exalted crankiness that we're almost ready to go.
Lucrezia Mongfish: Oh dear. I do so mistrust it when "impossible" is one's initial reaction to an idea.
Ognian: Hey dere, Dimo, iz hyu all right?
Dimo: Fine. Em fine.
Ognian: Hyu iz not rhinohiding, iz hyu?
Dimo: Shut op! Iz a scratch!
(Moxana gives Tarvek a card)
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Huh. The Whirlwind. "Great power at great risk." Or possibly, "beware of things underground," or, "expect an unexpected friend," or even, "learn a new piece of music." Thank you, O Muse of Mystery.
Lars: So how did you two get to be experts on secret passages?
Sturvin: We've worked here for twenty-seven years, man.
Lars: And they just told you about them?
Kalikoff: Naw, but when you're being chased and you need a place to hide, you learn what to look for.
Lars: Chased? By what?
Kalikoff: Duh...giant spiders, sewer serpents, ghouls. It's a sewer. With tunnels to the catacombs too. What do you expect?
Lars: Um...most sewers don't have any of that stuff.
Kalikoff: Really? No albino squid?
Kalikoff: Hey--rats! How about them giant glowing rats?
Lars: No. Little rats. 60 centimeters, tops.
Sturvin: That's it? Wow.
Kalikoff: None of that, huh?
Sturvin: That's a messed-up ecosystem, man.
Kalikoff: So in these other sewers...what do the big monsters eat?
Lars: What am I doing here?
Sturvin: (Reading a sign off of the wall) "By royal appointment, another fine oubliette from the ancient and honorable guild of Murderous Device Fabricators. To view our full line of goods, visit our Mechanicsburg showroom--in your next life." Great.
Lars: You cut his arm off!
Ognian: Um...dis vos de right von, yah?
Lars: It's melting!
Ognian: Yop. Dot vas it.
Lars: We can't go down again. The lift is noisy, and those things will be waiting.
Maxim: Ve ken climb down.
Lars: But Dimo...
Macim: Aw, he bounce pretty goot!
Zeetha: You're looking for a Heterodyne, aren't you? I think you've found one.
Dimo: Vill hyu expose her?
Zeetha: Of course not. She is zumil. My student. I protect her. So tell those elephants sneaking up behind me to relax.
Ognian: Vot? Hey! Dese is prime goot sneekin-op moves!
Maxim: Ognian, I vould drop it...
Krosp: Hey...does anyone else hear singing?
Local Boy: Oubliette... (Begins singing) Oubladaa-- Life goes on, yeah! La la, how the life goes on!
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Dear lady, I would appriciate it if you would have your servants refrain from trying to ignite parts of my house.
Lucrezia Mongfish: Of course! I merely thought, if you had no other plans, well... a fire can be so jolly on a cold night!
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Yeees... in a running, screaming, trying to save life and property sort of way...
Anevka Sturmvoraus: Really, Tarvek. Father always said that if Providence hands you a powerless scapegoat, it is a sin not to use him. Right?
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Father was not was I'd call an exemplary role model.
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: After Father put Anevka through that damn machine, it was clear she was dying. Of course, only then was he sorry. Originally, this body was indeed a puppet run by my sister... but also something more than that. As she weakened, you did more and more on your own. In the end, you never even noticed when she died.
Lars: Aah! Glorious fresh air!
Krosp: Better than fresh air!
Krosp: Someone is frying bacon!
Lars and Krosp: Mmm!
Ognian: ZO! I gots any great-great-great-grand-cheeldren?
Local Boy: No.
Ognian: Hmf. Married?
Local Boy: No.
Ognian: Gots a gurl?
Local Boy: No.
Ognian: Vants a gurl?
Local Boy: Yes.
Ognian: Still looking for dot "perfect story"? Get a job!
Local Boy: Stil looking for a Heterodyne? Get a life!
Ognian: Dot's important!
Local Boy: Shyeah. I'll get married when you find a Heterodyne.
Ognian: Ho, really?
Master Payne: Sir, this is a respectable show. The girls here are not for sale.
Gambling Soldier: Astonishing, but true. Me 'n the lads've tried!
Abner: Sweet lightning!
Master Payne: Unbelievable!
Ardsley Wooster: So much for subtlety.
Marie: What is she wearing?
Lars: She's a Heterodyne?!
Dimo: Ho yez.
Ognian: Din' ve mention dot?
Zeetha: I'm afraid so.
Krosp: Glad you could join us, Lars.
Sturvin: I didn't know.
Kalikoff: Heh. You can look up her dress.
Lars: You knew this?
Dimo: Ho yes.
Ognian: Back in Zum Zum!
Zeetha: I just figured it out.
Krosp: The grownups knew.
Sturvin: I didn't know!
Kalikoff: It's really out of focus...
Lars: We...we have to help her!
Dimo: Ho yez.
Ognian: Vot a goot boy!
Zeetha: Now that's love!
Krosp: Well, I guess she's got brains enough for two.
Sturvin: Isn't that what we were already doing?
Kalikoff: ...but if you squint one eye...
Lars: Anything else I should know?
Dimo: I iz double-jointed!
Maxim: I haff neffer luffed.
Ognian: I iz going to be a great-great-great-grandpappa.
Zeetha: She likes you, too.
Krosp: I'm hungry.
Sturvin: We should get off the roof.
Kalikoff: ...it gets even more out of focus.
(After Agatha has beaten Vrin)
Tarvek Sturmvoraus: Give her one more for me.
Agatha Clay: I should give you a whack of your own.
Scorp: They say you can judge a person by his enemies. So you two are looking pretty good right now. But I'm sure you could change my mind by doing something stupid.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Aren't you worried that I might actually be the Other?
Bangladesh DuPree: Nah.
Klaus Wulfenbach: Really? Why not?
Bangladesh DuPree: Klaus--you're always telling me, "Oh, DuPree, don't torture people," or, "don't burn any towns," or whatever, and if you were the Other, I'd be a Revenant and I'd have to obey you, even if a town really needed burning, y'know? But I can still act on my own better judgment, so I know everything's okay!
Klaus Wulfenbach: And here I was foolishly hoping for an argument that would reassure the troops.
Bangladesh DuPree: Yeah! It's all about free will!
Lucrezia Mongfish: But you should be happy, Klaus. I'll give you what you want. A Wulfenbach/Heterodyne alliance! As civil and sweet as pie! It'll just be controlled by me! But I'll play the good little girl in public. I'll even wear my little sigil so everyone will know who I am. I'm so glad you brought it!
Maxim: YAAG! (He's shot)
Ognian: Maxim! Dun't hyu embarrass me!
Bagladesh Dupree: Okay! You're all surrounded! Surrender and die!
The Chef: So, how d'ye feel?
Agatha Clay: (After being hit in the face by the Chef's "Calming Pie") Um...pretty calm, actually.
The Chef: Yes! Extra butter! Less nutmeg! I'm a genius!
Marie: A wonderfully hallucinogenic gas. It makes the subject very suggestible. We simply spread it around and shouted, "The Heterodynes are here!" It was easy.
Yeti: They see what we tell them to see.
Marie: I'm rather proud of it.
Kalikoff: Wow! She's changed back into that gauzy, see-through dress! I love that thing!
Marie: They also see all kinds of other things. There's a reason we don't use it unless we have to.
Agatha Clay: Um...this really is a Wulfenbach ship?
Marie: Oh, yes. It was remarkably easy to steal. But then, who would be fool enough to try?
Ognian: Hey! Iz like hyu vife iz callink hyu a fool wit-out ektually-
Master Payne: You cannot possibly be as stupid as you act.
Ognian: ...ken if I vants to be!
Maxim: Giff me a hand here! I gots sometink you'll vant!
Maxim: Ho! Vell, now, dot's an interestin' metzaphysical qvestion. See, it's hiz body, but he ain't usin' it, so...
Maxim: Ven you bury him, make sure he gots a hat.
Ognian: Hey, Dimo! Hyu make it up dot ladder real fast wit only vun hend!
Dimo: Ha! Dot's 'cause I use my brains!
Ognian and Maxim: EEEW! MESSY!
Agatha Clay: (Grabbing Krosp) I can talk to monsters!
Krosp: Whoa! Yeah, but will they talk back?!
Dimo: Hyu let de Baron deal vit dis vun. Is vot he does.
Agatha: But I squished him with a chicken house!
Agatha Clay: (On the verge of fainting) Uh...
Dimo: I gots hyu! (Dimo forgets about his severed arm, and Agatha crashes to the floor)
Maxim: Should haff used hyu brains dot time, too.
Dimo: Shot op. (Referring to his arm) I gets a new vun, soon.
Officer: I was there! I saw it! It was bad. The city had gone crazy--monsters and Revenants everywhere! My unit was pinned down--and then an angel appeared! A beautiful lady a hundred meters tall! She spoke, and the enemy...it's like they panicked! And then she called the Heterodynes down from heaven...and they came! They were giants! With enormous wings! They fought along side us! They were everywhere! And they brought a girl, the new Heterodyne! She's still out there! And she's headed for Mechanicsburg right now to take back the castle! It's unbelievable!
Phil Foglio: (Staring) Oh--I'll grant you that.
Peddler: (Displaying his wares) Eggs! Mostly chicken!
Jenka: "No Jager iz to enter Mechanicsburg 'til a Heterodyne iz vunce again in residence." Dot vas de deal.
Dr. Sun: Young Gilgamesh. I was expecting you last night.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Yes sir. I was stabilizing a medical experiment. Leaving it to fail would have been...unforgivable. Actually, you might be interested in some of the details-
Dr. Sun: At the moment, I am interested in keeping your father alive. A subject I can only assume is of some small interest to yourself, as well.
Agatha Clay: I am Agatha Heterodyne. Bill and Lucrezia were my parents.
Carson von Mekkhan: Interesting. Where are they?
Agatha Clay: I don't know. I was raised by...well...you'd know them as Punch and Judy.
Carson von Mekkhan: That's different. Did Punch ever mention a Master Heliotrope?
Agatha Clay: No, because he couldn't talk.
Carson von Mekkhan: Oh, my. Not many people know that.
Agatha Clay: They probably also don't know that he hiccups after he encounters electricity. I know you're testing me. I can keep this up.
Agatha Clay: I've never had coffee. Lilith said a young lady shouldn't drink stimulants.
Zeetha: Drink your coffee like a warrior.
Agatha Clay: ...Yes, Zeetha.
Krosp: This coffee you gave her. Strong stuff?
Vanamonde: It's my personal blend.
Krosp: Ah. I think you're about to find out that Lilith was a smart lady.
Carson von Mekkhan: (Watching Agatha work) She's...she's Heterodyning...
Captain Vole: Dere iz now, in der town, a second gurl claiming to be a Heterodyne.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: A second...is she attempting to enter the castle?
Captain Vole: No, sir. She iz in a coffee shop.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: ...A coffee shop? What is she doing in a coffee shop?
Captain Vole: She iz making cofee, sir.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Making coffee...
Captain Vole: Dere haff been three explosions so far, sir.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Agatha!
Vanamonde: (Tasting coffee from Agatha's machine) It's...perfect. The taste is a perfect blend of all the tastes and essences that make coffee what it is. A perfect blend--and yet I can discern every one...perfectly. Even the way the liquid adheres to the inside of the cup, indicative of the way it flows along the taste buds, is aesthetically perfect. It reveals the mathematical perfection of the cup itself! The delicate smoothness of the china, with its own inherent temperature, which mitigates the otherwise extreme heat of the coffee itself...IT IS A THING OF TACTILE AND FUNCTIONAL BEAUTY! PERFECT! AND THIS! THIS PERFECT SAUCER!
Carson von Mekkhan: ...Lady?
Agatha Clay: Er...I can fix that.
Heterodyne Imposter: Now, listen. This is probably the best-mapped area, but you still must follow my lead. Avoid any floorstone marked in white. It is a trap that will kill you. Do not stand under any part of the ceiling marked in white. It is a trap that will kill you. Duck under any opening taller than one meter. It is a trap that will kill you. Do not touch any metal surface. It is a trap that will kill you.
Heterodyne Imposter: I will rule as the new Heterodyne. I don't need the permission of a broken machine.
(In the Heterodyne family crypt)
Carson von Mekkhan: One way or another, the Heterodynes always come home in the end.
Agatha Clay: And yet it's impossible that I could be one? Everything tells me I am.
Carson von Mekkhan: Oh, I can see why. Punch and Judy, your effect on the town, not to mention Vole. Still, whatever you are, you're not the heir everyone expects.
Agatha Clay: Oh?
Carson von Mekkhan: Nope. Because you're standing on him.
Agatha Clay:(reading Carson von Mekkhan's business card) Doom bell ringer?!
Ardsley Wooster: That bell only rings when the Heterodynes are in residence.
Carson von Mekkhan: Oh, I'm not saying business hasn't been slow...but the pay isn't bad...(looks at Agatha) and there're signs that things could be picking up.
Ardsley Wooster: I'm done talking to you!
Carson von Mekkhan: I appreciate the effort, but the day's already a loss.
Carson von Mekkhan: I'm going to have you talk to the castle.
Agatha Clay: And that hurts?
Carson von Mekkhan: From down here? Yes.
Agatha Clay: Then--
Carson von Mekkhan: No one else can do this.
Agatha Clay: Why couldn't Wooster do it?
Agatha Clay: I mean, for example.
Ardsley Wooster:For example?
Agatha Clay: Sh. I'm curious.
Carson von Mekkhan: Because I'm the Seneschal. I'm the one with the special holes pre-drilled into his skull.
Agatha Clay: Oh, I can do that!
Ardsley Wooster: What IS it with you?!
Carson von Mekkhan: She's a Heterodyne, son. And this is Mechanicsburg. It does something to 'em. You'll get used to it, if you live.
Heterodyne Castle:(speaking through von Mekkhan) It has been 437215353 seconds since this system was last activated...why, it's still old Carson! He swore he'd never be back! He must be very certain indeed. (to Wooster) So you think you're a Heterodyne, eh boy?
Captain Vole: De pipple of Mechanicsburg vould not ekcept dot as proof dot she iz a Heterodyne.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: No, neither would my father.
Captain Vole: ...Not unless she danced nekkid through de ruins vile trying to shoot down de moon...turned all the tourists into monsters...and den built a very dangerous fountain out of sausages.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Well... yes, that goes without saying.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Oh! "Clowns" is the perfect word! Foolish creatures who cause a distraction, while the real players prepare!
Captain Vole: Votever hyu say, Meester "I'm so schmot I don't gotta make sense."
Jenka:(after being surprised by war stompers) Hyu gots de goot ears!?
Maxim: Sure--hum someting, I tell hyu vot animal it iz!
Ardsley Wooster: Battle clanks! Huge ones!
Agatha Clay:Ooooooh! Magnificent!
Krosp: Um, they are here to attack us.
Agatha Clay: And I can't wait to see them in action!
Carson von Mekkhan: Well, that's encouraging.
Carson von Mekkhan: Her grandfather used to open the gates for things like this--so he could get a better look.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: All I want is you commander.
4th Commander: You hit him with lightning.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Ah. Second in command?
4th Commander: Him, too.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: ...Third?
4th Commander: He was in the second machine.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:(sighing) Fourth?
4th Commander:(pulling out a dagger) That would be me, madboy!
(He is struck in the head by a pocket knife)
Dimo: Hoy! So who else vants to be promoted?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I...I could have handled that.
Jenka: Ov cozz. Now, lean on me all sobtle-like before hyu falls down.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: Wait--you're...you're not Wulfenbach jagers.
Jenka: Nope. Ve iz de goot lookin vuns!
Ognina:Lots of pipple hev tried to take de town!
Maxim: Dot's vy dey keep dis big open plain here. De gun crews know de co-ordinates for every centimeter!
Ognian: Hah! Remember dot "X de Destroyer" guy? Who thot dot big "X" on de ground vos vere he should set up hiz tent?! Hee!
Agatha Clay:(thinking) Right. So the castle's a huge mechanical death trap. But, theoretically, it's my huge mechanical death trap, so it probably won't kill me...at least, not until I've repaired it...unless I run afoul of one of the damaged bits...or it doesn't recognize me as part of the Heterodyne family...or it decides it would be funny to kill me anyway...and then there's all the convicts on repair duty with me...and an imposter who'll probably kill me on sight. (sighs) Great.
(After being telling Agatha that she was on kitchen duty in the castle)
Wilhelm: So...what did you do to wind up here, anyway?
Agatha Clay:(as Pix) Poisoned thirty-seven people...who complained about my cooking.
Wilhelm: I been in here too long. There's no easy way out. Just in. But...I did see someone get out, once... She was smart. Collected her points, and walked out free. She did it. Just like I'm gonna. Long as this place don't get mad at me, first.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: I am sick to death of this! What do I have to do?! I just took down an entire army of war clanks, and still I get treated like a halfwit child! Now. Listen very carefully. The Heterodyne girl is not to be harmed. I won't allow it.
Captain Vole:RHAAARGH! Hyu jabbering veakling! I keel hyu! Hyu poppa ken put hyu bek togedder ven I bring hyu beck in pieces!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:(beating up Vole)Always I try to be reasonable. To be fair. I try to talk to people. And no one ever takes it as anything other than weakness. You listen to me try to be civilized and you think, "Oh, he's nothing. Him we can ignore. Him we can push around. We can do whatever we want--HE won't stop us!" Because nobody takes me seriously unless I shout and threaten like a cut-rate stage villian. Well, you know what? I can do crazy. I really can. And it looks like I'm going to have to. Agatha is in danger. This whole town is in danger. If I'm going to be able to help her at all, I'll have to give up all this "being reasonable" garbage and show you idiots what kind of madboy you're really dealing with.
(pauses, calms down)
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: ...Oh. Oh, no. This must be how my father feels--all the time!
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: My father once wrote a monograph on how to communicate in the workplace.
Dimo: ...Iz dat so?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach: All seven popes ordered it burned.
Dimo: Vell - guess hyu iz feelin better.
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:(whispering) Is he gone?
Gilgamesh Wulfenbach:(whispering) Vole. Is he gone?
Narrator: It is a world ruled by mad science! Philosophers have told us that, in an infinite universe, anything is possible. Thus, somewhere out there is a reality where you--the listener--are actually a crazed mad scientist (or, to be more polite, a "spark!") You rule with an iron hand from your lonely mountain top castle, sending armies of undead monsters, giant insects, or even hideous extradimensional intelligences against helpless villagers, and battling with your fellow scientists! Wanting nothing more than to dance upon their bones while the rest of the world acknowledges your genius and cedes you mastery over all who kneel before you! If this sounds like your idea of a good time, you'll fit perfectly into the world of..."Girl Genius!"
Narrator: In our last episode, Agatha Heterodyne (our hero), and her companions: Krosp, the emperor of all cats, Zeetha, the lost princess of the lost city of Skifander, and Othar Tryggvassen, managed to thward the nefarious plans of Podnasty, the villanous vegetable--
Krosp: Yeah, that one was tough.
Narrator: --and are now taking a well-deserved break--
Agatha Clay: Took us, what, three minutes?
Narrator: --in a quiet woodland glade--
Zeetha: At least you got a salad out of it.
Narrator: --from which no one has ever emerged alive!
Othar Tryggvassen: And a tasty--er, wait--(looking up at the Narrator's speech bubble)--What was that?
Krosp:Yikes! That's the biggest rabbit I've ever seen!
Agatha Clay: Ah. That's because you haven't seen the two other ones right behind you.
Agatha Clay:(being attacked by a giant rabbit) Ah, good. I'd wanted a chance to test my pocket de-arming device.
Giant Rabbit: Ha! Foolish human! I need no weapons!
Agatha Clay: ...I didn't say anything about weapons.
Giant Rabbit:AAGH! My arms!
Ferretina: It's been about six weeks. The first few who disappeared, people thought it was just the usual: zombie warriors, giant insects, hideous extra-dimensional intelligences from Herr Klopman's well...
Krosp: That's the usual around here?
Ferretina: The rents are very cheap.
Agatha Clay:(winning an argument with Krosp) Q.E.Duh.
Jorf Oxclonker: That was no friend of mine...nor of any human! You describe the evil Ferretina, the Weasel Queen! Couldn't you tell?
Agatha Clay: Ah. Well...we meet a lot of strangely dressed people.
Krosp: At least she was color coordinated.
Zeetha: What does this Ferretina do with the men she demands?
Jorf Oxclonker: Well, she does demand well-formed, lusty young men over six feet tall and under the age of twenty five.
(Zeetha and Agatha looked stunned for a moment, then Zeetha smiles.)
Zeetha: I seeeeee...
Agatha Clay: You do?
Jorf Oxclonker: Yes. She says those taste best when grilled with cheese.
Zeetha: Okay, I didn't see that.
Agatha Clay: What did you see?
Zeetha: Never you mind.
Agatha Clay: We've got to save Othar!
Krosp: ... We do?!
Agatha Clay: Of course we do! He has no idea he's walking into a Trap! If we don't save him he might be killed!
Krosp: Is this one of those situations involving "ethics?" 'Cause, I'm a cat, you know. I've never been very good at those.
Agatha Clay: Let me put it this way...help me save Othar or I'll hit you with a STICK!
Krosp: How big a stick?
Narrator: Will Agatha be able to find a big enough stick? Will Othar find out that he's in danger in time? Will he figure it out at all? And what kind of cheese goes best with grilled ham? To find out, tune in again for the further adventures of Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!
Narrator: It is a world ruled by mad science! Things happen. Usually they happen to other people. This is entertainment. Occasionally, however, they happen to you. Sometimes, you get eaten by monsters, or subjugated by intelligent oysters, or forced to wear steam-powered iron shoes that never stop dancing. But sometimes--very rarely, but sometimes--they're your monsters. And as you sit in your castle, watching the oysters dance, you realize it's a pretty jolly little world after all. That's when the front door gets blown in and you belatedly realize that, once again, you are doomed to be the entertainment in another exciting installment of...Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!
Narrator: Quandary. Noun. From the Latin "quando". A state of difficulty or perplexity. A predicament.
Agatha Clay: We are not rescuing Othar. We are going to stop Ferretina from terrorizing the village, and if, by pure, blind chance, we find Othar and he needs to be rescued, I will seriously consider it.
Zeetha: Good grief! How did you construct something so complicated?
Agatha Clay:Please. I always carry a swiss army knife and a coil of wire.
Mechanical Taxidermist and Tailor:(critiquing Agatha's outfit) bzzt. I see Goodwill was having a fire sale. What are we trying to say, here? "I wish to disguise myself as a sofa cushion?" "I wish to save the world but I cannot navigate my closet?" NON!
Othar Tryggvassen: Say, I never thought a throne of bones and skulls would be so comfortable!
Ferretina: It's ergonomic. Would you care for a drink?
Other Tryggvassen: Um...it's bubbling.
Ferretina: That's how you know it's fresh.
Narrator: Will Ferretina have the pleasure of destroying Othar--or will she have to get in line? Will Agatha's fashion clank find solace in death? Will Krosp be more useful with a clock in his tummy? All of these questions will be cheerfully answered in the next episode of...Agatha Heterodyne, Girl Genius!