Victor Sr.: You know what wakes me up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat? Knowing that you aren't any worse than anyone else in your whole screwed up generation. In the old days, you know how you got to the top? Huh? By being better than the guy ahead of you. How do you people get to the top? By being so fucking incompetent, that the guy ahead of you can't do his job, so he falls on his ass and congratulations, you are now on top. And now the top is down here, it used to be up here... and you don't even know the fucking difference.
Singh: [to Simon] Just so we're clear, you stole a car, shot a bouncer, and had sex with two women?
Todd: Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends, because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim. Tell me what you wanna buy.
Ronna: Twenty hits of Ecstasy.
Todd: You come to me out of the blue, asking to buy 20 hits. Just so happens that 20 being the magic number at which intent to sell becomes trafficking!
Ronna: Todd, I would never fuck you like that.
Todd: How would you fuck me?
Burke: Ronna, hon, do we got a deal here or not?
Ronna: No, actually, we don't. I came to tell you I couldn't get anything.
Burke: A resourceful girl like you? I don't believe that.
Ronna: It's true.
Burke: I just wanna make a deal here. Can we?
Ronna: Who the fuck are you? Monty Hall? Did you know I'm only 16? I probably shouldn't be drinking beer. Seeing as I'm so...underage and all?
Todd: What do you want for Christmas, Claire?
Claire: I don't know.
Todd: You wanna get laid?
Todd: No, you don't wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid - with me?
Claire: Look, they'll be here. They'll be here.
Todd: Are you a virgin?
Todd: Come on, Claire. Answer the question. Answer the question, Claire!
Marcus: The thing is, most people don't know how to make love. They stick it in, move it around till they get off. But what Tantra teaches you is how to deepen, prolong the sexual experience. Bring it to a higher level. If one man in 10 was having the sex I'm having, there'd be no war.
Simon: What's the longest you two ever did it?
Marcus: Fourteen hours.
Simon: Holy shit! How many times you shoot?
Marcus: Not once, man.
Simon: You didn't go once? Not even at the end?
Marcus: You redirect the orgasm inside. How long do your orgasms last? Two, three seconds? I've had orgasms that have lasted up to an hour and a half.
Simon: That's bullshit!
Marcus: Honest to God and I mean Allah.
Simon: Wait. No love. When'd you last get off?
Marcus: I haven't ejaculated in six months. Anyone can do it. It just takes discipline.
Simon: You call me old school. I'm for coming and going.
Marcus: Hour and a half.
Marcus: [as Simon checks into the hotel with a credit card] What the hell you doing with a gold...Todd Gaines? The drug dealer.
Simon: He gets a discount here. He let me borrow it. He's a good guy.
Marcus: He's the good drug dealer. Right. Sometimes I get confused.
Simon: Relax, we're gonna pay cash. That's just to get the room.
Simon: Lend me some money.
Marcus: Man, where's your money?
Simon: I lost it.
Marcus: We've been here five minutes.
Simon: I played this game at a $100 table and didn't understand it. Now I do. I figured out how to beat it.
Marcus: Cool. Give me your wallet.
Simon: Here you go. What're you doing?
Marcus: Come back in an hour for it. In an hour, I'll give you your money. Now get out. You're bad luck.
Zack: It really didn't go as bad as it could have.
Adam: A girl is dead, Zack.
Zack: I didn't say it went perfectly.
Claire: Thanks for buying me breakfast. Unless you wanna sit alone, I can...
Todd: No. Fine.
Claire: See, I knew you weren't all evil...So, what do you have against The Family Circus?
Todd: Okay. You sit down and read your paper, and you're enjoying your entire two-page comics spread. Right? And then there's the Family fucking Circus, bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck. And that's the last thing you read, so it spoils everything you read before it.
Claire: You could just not read it.
Todd: I hate it, yet I'm uncontrollably drawn to it.
Claire: You know what I like about you? And it's not your face. You're only medium-cute. But I think it's you're the first non-fake person I've met here. It's kind of nice.
Todd: Professional curiosity: What are you on?
Claire: I'm serious.
Todd: So am I. What are you on?
Claire: Ginseng and Dexatrim. You know what I like best about Christmas? The surprises. You get this box and you're sure you know what's inside. You shake it, weigh it, convinced you have it pegged. No doubt in your mind. But then you open it up, and it's different. You know. Wow! Bang! Surprise! It's kind of like you and me here, you know? I'm not saying it's anything it's not. Come on, this time yesterday, who would've thunk it?