God, the Devil and Bob
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God, the Devil and Bob is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on NBC. The series was based on God and the Devil making a bet over the fate of the world.
In the Beginning
- Bob: So, what exactly is it that I'm supposed to do?
- God: You don't know?
- Bob: Well, sure I ... no.
- God: Oh for ... you people. This isn't new stuff. It's written down in books, scrolls, stone tablets. What do you want me to do, scribble it on a bar napkin for you?
- Bob: [holds up a napkin and pen] Would you? 'Cause that would really help.
- God: You're on your own, Bob. Don't disappoint me. [he disappears]
- Bob: God has literally put the fate of mankind in my hands!
- Donna: And these would be the same hands that are inching up my nightie?
- Bob: That's just a little confidence builder.
Andy Runs Away
- [getting his car inspected at the Canadian border]
- Bob: This is harassment, pure and simple.
- Border Patrolman: Sorry sir, but you fit the profile. Mindless belligerence is one of our red flags.
- Bob: What kind of idiot country is this?!
- Border Patrolman: Fair warning sir, you're on the verge of talking yourself into a full cavity search.
- Bob: Where do you get off threat- [cuts to Bob driving away with a frightened look on his face]
- Bob: I wanted to ask you, I'm in sort of a tough bind with my kid and I need your help.
- God: This is a tough week for me Bob. There's a crisis in Africa.
- Bob: You always say that! You always say there's a crisis in Africa.
- God: That's because there is always a crisis in Africa. You might know that if you picked up a news paper once in a while instead of filling your head with soft-core porn.
Date from Hell
- God: Yeah, what if you bought her (Megan) a pony?
- Bob: Pony? What's a pony gonna do?
- God: Well, I don't know. I thought girls liked ponies.
- Bob: Jordan Clark? I knew a Jim Clark in high school.
- Jordan: He's my father.
- Bob: No kidding. Did he ever marry that girl he got pregnant? (winks)
The Devil's Birthday
- Donna: Honey, later tonight, can we have sex?
- Bob: Well, okay. Since you asked so nice.
- Donna: And by sex, of course, I mean clean, healthy love-making, staring deeply into each others eyes for hours and meditating on the gift of procreation.
- Bob: You know what, maybe not.
- Megan: Your wife wont let me go on a sleep-over I planned for weeks.
- Donna: A sleep-over at a boy's house with the parents out of town.
- Megan: That's just the way it worked out. We're not going to have sex mother. Gees! That's all you ever think about, you're obsessed with sex.
- Bob: Oh Donna?...
- Donna: Yeah Bob...
- Bob: Just an F. Y. I., I'm wearing that thong you bought me.
- Donna: You've got those on backwards.
- Mike: Hey Bob, check this out. [hands him a newspaper clipping]
- Bob: [reading] Aboard the plane that went down in Burkina Faso yesterday was a member of the Moro-Naba's royal family. [hands it back] So?
- Mike: I just moved up a notch in the succession line.
- Bob: Mike, you're not descended from African royalty. Your dad's a mattress salesman. He's not even the mattress king. That's Kenny's dad.
- Andy: Mom, how come we don't go to church?
- Donna: Ask Daddy, he talks to God.
- Bob: Well, you know son, we did try a lot of different churches over the years. It was hard to choose.
- Donna: Your father was looking for one that would let him shotgun beer and heckle the Minister.
Lonely at the Top
- Bob: Mike, with softball season starting next week, I was checking the stats from last year and your batting average was a hundred points lower in afternoon games than night games.
- Mike: Yeah, well the sun gets in my eyes.
- Bob: I know. That's why today at lunch, I'd like you to grab a bat, go outside ... and stare at the sun. Get your eyes acclimated.
- Mike: I'm not gonna blind myself for this team.
- Bob: Okay. [writing] Doesn't have heart of champion.
Bob Gets Greedy
- Neighbor: Alman! Get that fountain off your front lawn, it's an eyesore!
- Bob: [yelling out the window] Then your wife would have to go back to drinking out of the toilet!
There's Too Much Sex on TV
- Bob: [covering his sex tape playing on the TV] Stop looking! Stop looking!
- Mike: It's too late, I've seen it.
- Barry: I'll tell you what, Mike, I'll blind you if you'll blind me.
- Barry's Date: You selfish bastards, who'll blind me?
- Bob: I mean, what's gonna happen to the universe? Who's gonna listen to our prayers?
- Andy: Can't we pray to another God?
- Bob: I really should have taken you to church.
- Andy: You mean there's only one God?
- Bob: Yeah.
- Andy: We're screwed.
Bob Gets Involved
- Council Member #1: Speaking of desperate, Sheila, what are you doing after the raid?
- Council Member #2: Shh, I'm picking up something.
- Council Member #1: Shh, so am I.
- Donna: [looking outside] Bob, you want to tell me why there's a man relieving himself in our driveway?
- Bob: That's Phil. He believes that the government uses plumbing to collect samples of DNA in order to ... it's okay, he asked.
- Donna: Fine, it's your car.
- God (voiced by James Garner)
- The Devil (voiced by Alan Cumming)
- Bob Allman (voiced by French Stewart)
- Donna Allman (voiced by Laurie Metcalf)
- Megan Allman (voiced by Nancy Cartwright)
- Andy Allman (voiced by Kath Soucie)
- Smeck (voiced by Jeff Doucette)