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Just For Laughs
- George Bush says two gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. The sanctity of marriage. The sanctity. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? Sanctity of marriage? You could - You could get married in Vegas at 5 o'clock in the morning to a toothless crack whore you met fifteen minutes ago. Not - Not only do I think gay people should be allowed to get married, I think they should have to get married! Because I'm a little tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyles. They - they, should have to suffer like everybody else. I'm - I'm sick of walking by these sidewalk cafes you see these guys sitting there they're all tan and fit and muscular, they're like 60 years old but they look great cause they don't have someone at home sucking the will to live right out of em. And - and if - if you had to be married; being married to a guy would be great. Could you imagine saying something, and having the words you said interpreted exactly the way that you intended your words to be interpreted? That would be a nice touch, wouldn't it? "Remember what you said ten years ago when we were driving in the car on the way to my mother's house?" -- "No." -- "Oh me neither! I'm a dude. Forget it. Nevermind. I was - I was about to torture you with some fake transcription skills that I knew you couldn't really call me on, and then I was going to punish you for not remembering something that you actually never did in the first place, but instead since I'm a dude I'll just shut up, we can just drive along, maybe listen to music, have a good afternoon after all. Being married to a guy would be great. I did - I didn't even used to believe in soulmates, the whole concept of soulmates, I never believed in soul mates until I saw Siegfried and Roy...cause there you got a gay Lion-tamer who hooked up with another gay Lion-tamer! What are the odds of that happening?!? Talk about holding out for Mr. Right, that seems like a pretty beautiful story. People say they can't find someone who shares their interests, two German dudes play with Tigers in the middle of the desert, that doesn't seem vaguely Biblical to anyone else?
- This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?
- When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering- You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.
Good Day To Cross A River (2006)
- Let's face it, our reading and writing skills in our country...every day there's a story in the paper about how shitty our schools are. They just keep getting worse, all the time. I read a book, it was filled with letters that soldiers in the Civil War had written to their girlfriends back home. These guys were kids. They were fourteen, fifteen-year old kids. Most of these guys had never even been to school, but every single letter in the book was incredible. Every single letter was like: (in southern accent) "My dearest Hannah, this morn finds me wrecked by the fiery pangs of your absence. I'll bear your cherished memory with me, as I battle the forces of tyranny and oppression." Now, think about what the typical letter from your average modern-day soldier, to his girlfriend back home in like, New Jersey's got to read like: (in New Jersey accent) "Dear Marie, it is hot as fuck out here. It is hard to fight these sand monkeys, wit your balls stuck to your legs. It is very, very hot out here because I am in the dessert. What else did I wanna aks you? Oh yeah: DON'T FUCK NOBODY TIL I GET BACK."
Flavor Flav Comedy Central Roast (2007)
- Flav, you look like Idi Amin after a three year crack binge on the sun.
- God, you are a big, ghoulish woman. I'm talking to you, Carrot Top.
- Flav, you look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape.
- Gary Busey is here, sort of. You look like Nick Nolte fucked a Clydesdale.
Midlife Vices (2009)
- There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.
Joan Rivers Comedy Central Roast (2009)
- Holy shit, Gilbert! You look like you smell like pee.
- Mario! You are one, tiny loudmouth fairy. You're the only guy I know who takes a stepladder into a gloryhole.
- What a night! A couple of trolls, a fairy, and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed little monster that's obsessed with jewelery. It's like The Lord of the Rings!
- Joan, you are one irritating Jew-broad! The first time I heard your voice, my foreskin fell off.
David Hasslehoff Comedy Central Roast (2010)
- Jeff, you bloated hack! Your jokes are so old, they know who George Hamilton is.
- Hamilton, you're like tang. You're dry, orange, and no one has given a fuck about you since 1968.
- Hamilton, you're like a walking tumor. Not exactly; it's a big deal when you spot a tumor.
- Hasslehoff, your liver is so shriveled, black, and dead. If you put your ear to your side you can hear it going "What you talking bout Willis".