Happy! (TV series)
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Happy! (2017-present) is an American television crime dramedy series based on the four-issue 2012–13 comic book series of the same name created by writer Grant Morrison and artist Darick Robertson.
Saint Nick [1.1]
- Terrence: You're costing me business, Sax.
- Nick Sax: Costing you business? I'm single-handedly keeping this shithole in the black.
- Mikey Scaramucci: Forgive me, Mama.
- Nick Sax: Kid, if I remind you of your mama, you got bigger problems than a hole in your head.
- Mikey Scaramucci: If you just hear my confession, I can move on, Mama.
- Nick Sax: Confession? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Knock yourself out.
- Mikey Scaramucci: Mama, the world. It's run by devils. They, they look like people, but they're devils. Great-Grandpa, he showed me things. Things I wish I never saw. I got to tell it to you, Mama, so that I won't have it in me anymore. And then I can be free.
- Happy: You can see me!
- Nick Sax: What the hell?
- Happy: Yeah, you ain't quite what I expected, either. I guess we get what we get and we don't get upset, right?
- Nick Sax: Go away.
- Happy: But-but-but I got stuff to tell you! Mucho important stuff!
- Nick Sax: Shh... I don't talk to pink elephants.
- Happy: What? What are you, color blind? I ain't pink, pal! And elephants have trunks. [shows tail] Do you see any luggage? [giggles]
- Nick Sax: Kill this thing any way you can.
- Happy: Lucky for me she opened up that window. I was about turn into a blueberry horsesicle!
- Det. Meredith "Merry" McCarthy: Nick Sax. Hard to believe this piece of shit in front of me used to be the best detective in the whole department.
- Nick Sax: Yeah. Well, I was a real hero.
- Det. Meredith "Merry" McCarthy: You were mine.
- Det. Meredith "Merry" McCarthy: I think Blue hired you to kill his nephews. Mikey just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think there is a goddamn underworld civil war brewing and you've managed to land your sorry ass right in the middle of it. I can still get you out, but you have to tell me what you know.
- Nick Sax: What I know? People suck, I don’t pay my income tax, and I no longer feel dirty when I touch myself, but beyond that, it just seems pretty clear whoever knows this alleged password is good as dead or worse. That’s about it.
- Nick Sax: You're not real.
- Happy: Of course not. I'm an imaginary friend.
- Nick Sax: My imagination is very limited. It usually involves inflicting pain in ways that may not have occurred to most.
- Happy: [laughs] You're funny, Nick. But I ain't your imaginary friend. I don't even want to think about what that would look like...
- Smoothie: I am going to remove your penis… in thin slices… like salami, just for starters.
- Nick Sax: That’s going to take you a long time… if you know what I mean. He knows what I mean.
- Nick Sax: Back off or the horse gets it!
What Smiles Are For [1.2]
- Nick Sax: I once saw a man high on PCP rip off his own testicles in the middle of Times Square. Do you know what I'm trying to say to you? [Happy shakes his head] I'm saying I've seen some crazy shit, so I accept it. You exist. You're here. There's probably a little girl somewhere out there, who needs her daddy real goddamn bad, and you should go find him, 'cause I ain't him.
- Happy: You are him, Nick. And she's yours.
- Nick Sax: My God... Those teeth. Those flared nostrils and beady eyes. It's somehow endearing and yet so, so horrible. How do you even... Ah, forget it.
- Blue: We need to learn to take our time with things. This wine, for instance. Began as a grape. A sweet thing, yes. But also an immature thing. To reach its full potential, the grape is subjected to pressure. Squashed to a pulp. Reduced to its essence. Sealed in darkness. And there it waits. Compelled by the hands of time to become a finer thing.
- Det. Meredith "Merry" McCarthy: I get it, Blue. I'm the grape.
- Blue: No. No. No. You don't get it. I'm the grape... I'M THE GODDAMN GRAPE!
- Nick Sax: Goddamn deck hates me.
- Le Dic: Everyone hates you, Nick.
- Le Dic: Where are your balls, Sax? Oh, right. I took 'em on the last pot.
- Happy: Oh, I hate when they take the balls away.
- Happy: The way you're smiling is like someone who doesn't know what smiles are for.
- Nick Sax: Those cards! The lady! The pretty lady with the gold crown and the lipstick! You can see them!
- Happy: They're not invisible, Nick.
- Nick Sax: No, but you are. Oh, my goodness. I have this crazy idea. Do you wanna go get Hailey?
- Happy: You bet I do! More than a double scoop of coffee ice cream!
- Nick Sax: Then you're gonna help me win to get money and guns so we can go get her.
- Happy: Our teacher Miss Palm says it's better to lose honestly than to win by cheating.
- Nick Sax: FUCK MISS - [Happy cowers] Wouldn't Miss Palm want you to help me get guns and money so we could go get Hailey?
- Happy: Uh, she'd probably send us to the Thinking Corner to come up with a creative solution to our problems...
- Nick Sax: You're right. Just... I just...
- Happy: Just what?
- Nick Sax: Ah, just a crazy idea. I just thought we could be a team. You know? Partners. Butch and Sundance. Gin and tonic. Mickey and Mallory.
- Happy: [excited] You mean Mickey and Pluto?!
- Nick Sax: PB and motherfuckin' J.
- Le Dic: Some heater you're on, Nicky.
- Nick Sax: Yeah. You know what they say. Even a clock gets a broken face twice a day. That is a thing, right?
- Le Dic: You've never been lucky. Not your whole life. The hell angle you running?
- Nick Sax: Well, if you promise to keep a secret... I got a little blue horse that's on the top of your hat with wings telling me your hand.
- Happy: Two and a five. Not even the same color. This hand stinks even worse than the coat you're wearing Nick.
- Le Dic: You're not going anywhere. Not until you and Blue figure your shit out.
- Nick Sax: Well, well, well. The plot sickens. [to Happy] Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate with you bouncing off the ceiling?!
- Happy: [high on cocaine, rapidly flying over the table] It's like kissing God! It's like kissing God! [laughing hysterically] I'm everything and nothing! I'm everything and nothing!
- Nick Sax: [as Le Dic lights a cigar] Sucks on that like he knows what he's doing.
- Le Dic: You didn't think we kept you around here all this time because you're so fun to be around, did you?
- Nick Sax: Oh. Sad face emoji.
- Nick Sax: Listen, unicorn. This is not the imaginary world. This is the real world. And it's messy. And people do a lot of things they're not very proud of - ordering this breakfast, for one. But I'm gonna soldier through. And when I'm done, I'm gonna get into that hideous automobile in front and I'm gonna punch my ticket outta here, leaving this cold, filthy city and everything in it in my rearview mirror. Ever westward, baby. And I ain't stopping until I see that sun drop into the water.
- Happy: You were a hero, once. I guess that's why you hate yourself.
- Jerry Springer: Come on, Nick. Everyone in our audience seems to be ahead of you on this one. You know in your heart she's your daughter! [crowd cheers]
- Nick Sax: I didn't even know you were still on the air.
- Jerry Springer: If you run away, Nick, you're never gonna stop. And eventually, you're going to die miserable and alone, and filled with regret. You do still process regret, don't you, Nick?
When Christmas Was Christmas [1.3]
- Nick Sax: [finding a prostitute in a bear suit performing oral sex on a businessman a la The Shining] And that porridge is just right.
- Happy: [finding several multi-colored dildos] These must the magic carrots that make the reindeer fly!
- Nick Sax: I haven't had a drink in nineteen hours. I'm dry as a cured ham.
- Mrs. Claus: You wear a Santa suit, you got issues, one way or another. Goes with the territory. But the guy you're looking for is something else. Reminds me of a fella we all knew back in the day. Back when Christmas was Christmas. Worked at Gimbel's before it closed down. This was like Madison Square Garden for Santas. The big enchilada. He was good. Real good. No one suspected what really went on behind all the tinsel and cellophane. Turns out the guy was real sicko. A monster. The elves knew, though. You can't keep much from those little sons of bitches. They knew what he did to the kids when mommy and daddy weren't around and they hated him for it! He was giving all of us in the yuletide economic niche a bad name. He ended up hanging himself in the Ladies' Intimates. The elves made sure of it.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, it's a swell story, but need I remind you that my monster is very much alive and kicking. Now this Gimbel's piñata Santa - what the hell does he have to do with the price of ass in China?
- Mrs. Claus: Not him. The son. He had a kid, that one. Can you imagine? Wound up institutionalized. No one heard anything about him after that.
- Happy: It's the kid, Nick!
- Nick Sax: Bit of a leap, ain't it?
- Mrs. Claus: I ain't saying he's the one you're looking for. I ain't saying he ain't. Still... I wonder some nights... Where's that little boy, now?
- Amanda Hansen: So... ready for that talk?
- Nick Sax: I don't want to talk.
- Amanda Hansen: You don't want to talk. You promised. I asked you, and you promised. How about this? You don't have to say anything at all. I just need to ask you a question. What if we were to... add another stocking to the mantle?
- Nick Sax: [sarcastically, maliciously] Well, Amanda, that is a wonderful idea. Let's bring an innocent child into this wonderful, wonderful world, filled with wonderful, wonderful people, wonderful sights, wonderful sounds. Our little, perfect family - you, me and our bundle of bones, and flesh... and blood. I mean, why not have a child? What's the worst thing that can happen? Winds up like me?
- [While fighting Very Bad Santa]
- Nick Sax: That's funny. You look just like your picture.
- Very Bad Santa: [to Happy] I can see you...
Year of the Horse [1.4]
- Nick Sax: The universe is a callous indifferent bitch, and it will fuck you every chance it gets. And once you think it’s done with you, it will flip you over and fuck you from behind.
White Sauce? Hot Sauce? [1.5]
- Happy: See, Nick? The spirit of Christmas is everywhere! [the lights go out]
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience. All Queens-bound trains have been delayed indefinitely.
- Nick Sax: Oh, this city never disappoints.
- Happy: Is a show about to start?
- Nick Sax: Oh, yeah. You just watch. All it takes is a little inconvenience and then you start to see them.
- Happy: See who?
- Nick Sax: Truest selves. Go on, Tinkerbell. Take a look. Do a little lap around. See how much humanity you find when the A-Train ain't running on time.
- Happy: Uh, what are you doing? Get off the tracks.
- Nick Sax: Do you smell that? All the Christmas spirit in the air. You could practically choke on it. You scratch the surface, and there you have it. Our true selves. People hiding behind their bright, colorful wrappings of bullshit. Hoping it'll hide what they really are deep down inside underneath it all - empty boxes and broken toys. [the lights come back on]
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for any inconvenience. The next Queens-bound train will be arriving in two minutes.
- Happy: Uh, Nick. The train is coming.
- Nick Sax: Yep.
- Happy: Yeah, so why don't you get off the tracks?!
- Nick Sax: Nope. I'm gonna teach you a lesson, my little blue bastard. Something you're never gonna forget. I'm gonna lie down here on these tracks and I'm gonna let that train run me right over and I guarantee you, not one SOB on that whole platform will lift a finger to help me.
- Happy: Nick, no!
- Happy: All right, Nick! Get up! You win!
- Nick Sax: How's it looking up there?
- Happy: Awful! You made your point!
- Nick Sax: Not quite. Not until I give these walls a new paint job.
- Happy: But Nick - what about Hailey?!
- Nick Sax: Hailey. Hailey... Don't you try and put this on me! You were the one with her when she was kidnapped! What have you done?!
- Happy: I found you.
- Nick Sax: Yeah, well. How's that working out for you?
- Happy: You're right, Nick. This is your kind of world. Not a world for soft things like me and like Hailey. You've opened my eyes to a lot of stuff I never wanted to see, but I won't watch you do this. If you want me to go fine, I'll disappear.
- Nick Sax: Music to my ears. [waves] Bye-bye.
- Happy: All right, then. Goodbye, partner. [disappears]
The Scrapyard of Childish Things [1.6]
Destroyer of Worlds [1.7]
I Am the Future [1.8]
- Nick Sax: I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.
- Very Bad Santa: I'm the spirit of Christmas. I've walked these rooftops for a long time. The only thing that can hurt me is magic.
- Nick Sax: Hocus pocus, motherfucker.
- Christopher Meloni - Nick Sax
- Ritchie Coster - Francisco Scaramucci
- Lili Mirojnick - Det. Meredith "Merry" McCarthy
- Medina Senghore - Amanda Hansen
- Patrick Fischler - Smoothie
- Patton Oswalt - Happy
- Joseph D. Reitman - Very Bad Santa