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A Guide to Men (1922)
- It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son—and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.
- What a man calls his "conscience" is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.
- Oh yes, there is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.
- Cymbals and Kettle-drums
- A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
- When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Some women can be fooled all of the time, and all women can be fooled some of the time, but the same woman can't be fooled by the same man in the same way more than half of the time.
- Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her—when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?
- First Interlude
- France may claim the happiest marriages in the world, but the happiest divorces in the world are "made in America".
- Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.
- A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
- Second Marriages
- To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one.
- Reflections of a Bachelor Girl, p. 5 (1903)
- Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.