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- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- "Forbes" - Vol. 166, Page 156, de Bertie Charles Forbes - Forbes Inc., 2000
- Take my wife - please!
- Take My Wife, Please!: Henny Youngman's Giant Book of Jokes (1999)
- Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."
- Don't Put My Name on this Book (1976), p. 92
- My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped.
- Insurance Newsweek, volume 45 (1944), page 60
- I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother,
- 101 of My Funniest Jokes. New York: Henny Youngman (1976). Brochure..
"The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)
Lawrence J. Epstein's "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America" (2001)
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
- My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
- My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
- My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
- Cited in: Essays of an Information Scientist, Vol:4, p.515-518, 1979-80, Current Comments #26, p. 516, June 30, 1980 PDF