Hercules (1997 film)
- Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker. Written by Ron Clements, Barry Johnson, Don McEnery, Irene Mecchi, John Musker and Bob Shaw.
- Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay... And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing?! Man! I thought I had problems!
- But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I'm an action figure!
- Spoken to Zeus
- A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?
- Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.'
- It's been a real slice.
- [rushing into Thebes, crying out] Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident.
- [Hercules walks to the Cyclops] What are you doing?! Without your strength you'll be killed!
- [seeking a pillar falling, gasps in shock] Hercules, look out- [runs to push him out of the way; the pillar crushes her]
- [as she lies down dying] Hades' deal is broken. [groans] He promised I wouldn't get hurt. [moans] People always do crazy things... [moans again] when they're in love.
- You're really choked up about this, aren't you?
- Then read my lips! Forget it.
- How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! [No one replies.] So, is this an audience or a mosaic?
- Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.
- Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.
- I’m about to rearrange the cosmos… and the one schlemiel who can louse it up… is waltzing around IN THE WOODS
- Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!
- I’ve got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing HIS MERCHANDISE?!
- He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey! They bet on the wrong horse. Okay?
- Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? [shouts] I OWN YOU!
- We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on.
- [after Pegasus blows out his flaming hair] Whoa! Is my hair out?!
- [As the Titans attack away from Mount Olympus] Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way. [points in the opposite direction]
- Zeusy, I'm home!
- I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. [Looking at a statue of a soldier in armor] And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! [pause] BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once [flicks the statue's heel; it shatters into tiny fragments] and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.
- One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
- [As Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!
- [After Hercules defeats the Hydra] YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!
- No No No No No kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you?
- [about Meg] SHE'S A FRAUD!!!
The Narrator and the Muses
- Narrator: [First lines] Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story —
- Thalia: Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy!
- Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude!
- Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
- Narrator: You go, girl.
- Calliope: If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades.
- Terpsichore: 'Cause he had an evil plan.
- Thalia: [singing] He ran the underworld,
But thought the dead were dull and uncouth
He was as mean as he was ruthless
And that's the gospel truth
He had a plan to shake things up
And that's the gospel truth!
Melpomene: [singing] Young Herc was mortal now
But since he did not drink the last drop,
He still retained his godlike strength,
So thank his lucky star
But Zeus and Hera wept
Because their son could never come home,
They'd have to watch their precious baby
Grow up from afar
Though, Hades' horrid plan
Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth
The boy grew stronger ev'ry day
And that's the gospel truth
- Thalia: [singing about Hercules' fame and success] And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase
- Clio: [hits Thalia on the head] On ev'ry "vah-se!"
- Zeus: Hades! You finally made it! How's things in the underworld?
- Hades: [sarcastically] Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloomy, and there's always-Hey! Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?
- Hades: Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm-
- Fates: [all at once] Late!
- Lachesis: We knew you would be.
- Clotho: We know everything!
- Lachesis: Past.
- Clotho: Present!
- Atropos: And future. [elbows Panic, whispering] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
- Lachesis: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
- Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
- Lachesis: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
- Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
- Clotho: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
- Hades: [excitedly] Yes! Hades rules!
- Atropos: A word of caution to this tale...
- Hades: [stops short] Excuse me?
- Atropos: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
- [The Fates laugh, then disappear]
- Hades: [his head goes fiery red with rage] WHAAAAAAAT?!?! [calmly] Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine.
- [Both Zeus and Hera found out that Hercules was kidnapped]
- Hera: [shocked] Hercules, oh...! [starts sobbing]
- Zeus: [roaring] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [voice echoes]
- [Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus]
- Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.
- Pain: You mean, if he finds out!
- Panic: Of course he's gonna- If...If is good.
- [Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]
- Nessus: [looms over him] Step aside, two-legs.
- Hercules: [awkwardly] Pardon me, my good, uh...sir, but I demand you release that young...
- Meg: [annoyed] Keep moving, junior.
- Hercules: ...lady. But...aren't you...a damsel in distress?
- Meg: [struggling in Nessus' grip] I'm a damsel... Ugh! I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.
- Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!
- [Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]
- Panic: Hercules...oh...why does that name ring a bell?
- Pain: I dunno...maybe we owe him money?
- Hades: What...was that name...again?
- Meg: Hercules.
- Hades: [turns red with fury, then turns away, still red hot] OH!!!
- Meg: [continuing seemingly without noticing Hades] He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. [snaps her fingers]
- Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to-?
- [They both spot Hades reaching for them]
- Both: OH, MY GODS!!!
- Pain: Run for it!
- Hades: [grabs them] So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?!
- Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
- Panic: Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades chokes him] very popular name nowadays!
- Pain: Remember like a few years ago-every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!
- Hades: [chokes Pain] I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos...and the one schlemiel... [both Pain and Panic transform themselves into bugs in fear] who can louse it up...IS WALTZING AROUND...IN THE WOODS!!!!!!!! [literally explodes with rage]
- Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even- [notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What...are...those?
- Pain: Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.
- Hades: I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, [up in flames] ...and you... are wearing... HIS MERCHANDISE!?!?!
- [suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking Herculade; Panic then notices that Hades is angry]
- Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?
- [Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]
- [Phil just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor but he ignores him]
- Phil: SHE'S A FRAAAAAUUUUUUUUD! She's been playing you for a sap!
- Hercules: [incredulous] Oh, come on, stop kidding around.
- Phil: I'm NOT kidding around!
- Hercules: I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to-
- Phil: Kid, you're missing the point!
- Hercules: Point is: I LOVE her.
- Phil: She don't love you!
- Hercules: You're crazy!
- Phil: She's nothing but a two-timin'-
- Hercules: [gets angry] STOP IT!
- Phil: -no good, LYIN, SCHEMING-
- Hercules: [in his anger, he suddenly turns around and slaps Phil] SHUT UP!!!! [due to the strength of the slap, Phil is knocked away and crashes into a pile of weights and chains; Hercules is horrified of what he has done, and Phil looks at him, just as shocked] Phil, I...I didn't mean...Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.
- Phil: Okay. Okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine.
- Hercules: Phil, wait. Where are you going?
- Phil: I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home.
- Hercules: FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you. [starts lifting a heavy weight]
- Phil: [stops and looks back] I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. [Hercules stops lifting] Not the all-time chump. [leaves]
- [Hercules looks back at him with a look of guilt]
- [Hades appears, lying casually on the bar Hercules uses for exercises]
- Hades: Geez, Louise. What was his goat, right? [He swings down] Baboom. Name is Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing here?
- Hercules: Not now, alright.
- Hades: Hey, wait, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast learner, right? You see, I've had this major deal in the works...a real estate venture, if you will. And Herc––you little devil, you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in the fashion of it, right?
- Hercules: You have the wrong guy.
- Hades: Hear me out, ya little–––heh-heh. Just––hear me out, alright? Then I would be....eternally grateful if you would just...take a day apart from this hero business of yours. Jeez, I mean monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day, alright?
- Hercules: You're out of your mind. [He starts to turn away]
- Hades: Not so fast, because, ya see...I do have a little leverage you might wanna know about.
- [Hades snaps his finger and Megara appears]
- Hercules: Meg!
- Megara: Don't listen, Herc– [She is cut off until Hades binds and gags her, but makes her disappear again]
- Hercules: Let her go!
- Hades: Here's the trade-off. You give your strength for about 24 hours, alright? Say the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. Whaddya say? C'mon.
- Hercules: People are...are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
- Hades: Nah! I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens because, you know, it's war––but what can I warn ya? Anyhow, what do you owe these people, right? Isn't Meg–––little smoochy face-----isn't she more reluctant than they are?
- Hercules: Stop this!
- Hades: Isn't she?
- Hercules: You must swear she'll be safe from any harm.
- Hades: Well, fine, alright, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler plate, baboom. Alright? We're done. Whaddya say we shake on it? [Hercules hesitates] Hey, I really don't have, like, time to boss this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I have plans for August, alright? I need a response, like, now. Going once, going twice...
- Hercules: Alright!
- Hades: Yes, we're there! Bam!
- [They shake hands and Hercules' strength drains from him]
- Hades: You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural......perhaps you should SIT DOWN!! [He picks up a dumbbell and fires it at Hercules, pinning him underneath it] Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. Isn't this just....peachy? Oh! You'll love this–––one more fact. Meg...babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook. By the way, Herc. Is she not, like, a famous little actress? [He starts dancing with Megara]
- Megara: Stop that.
- Hercules: What do you mean?
- Hades: I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time. Duh.
- Hercules: You're-you're lying!
- [Hades motions towards Pain and Panic, who are disguised as the boys again]
- Panic: [As a boy] Help! [Coughs]
- Pain: Jeepers, mister, you're really STRONG!!
- [They turn back themselves and start laughing at him]
- Hades: [To Megara] Couldn't have done it with you, darling, babe. [Megara pulls apart from him and runs over to Hercules]
- Megara: No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to-----I-I couldn't...I-I'm very sorry.
- Pain and Panic: Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a demon!
- Hades: Well, I must blaze. There's an entire cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and now onto the main event! [He flies away in his chariot]
- [Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]
- Hades: Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?!
- Titans: ZEUS!
- Hades: [releases them] And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?!
- Titans: [punch through the ground] DESTROY HIM!
- Hades: Good answer.
- [The Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]
- Hades: Uh, guys? [the Titans face Hades; points at Olympus] Olympus would be that way.
- [the Titans head off to Olympus]
- Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!
- Zeus: [shocked] Hades, you're behind THIS?!
- Hades: You are correct, sir!
- A Comedy of Epic Proportions
- Happy IV of July!
- Zero to Hero!
- Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR?
- You can run but you can't Hydra!
- Tate Donovan — Hercules
- Danny DeVito — Phil
- James Woods — Hades
- Susan Egan — Meg
- Frank Welker — Pegasus
- Bobcat Goldthwait — Pain
- Matt Frewer — Panic
- Rip Torn — Zeus
- Samantha Eggar — Hera
- Lillias White — Calliope
- Vanéese Y. Thomas — Clio
- Cheryl Freeman — Melpomene
- LaChanze — Terpsichore
- Roz Ryan — Thalia