- This looks like a job for Hercules.
- [singing] Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree...
- [to Sir Michael Kent]' Yo! Bullet head! Get back down there so we can finish doing the film!
- Oi, oi! I'm talking to you, you rude bugger!
- You know, you're not as stupid as you look Muriel.
- Get real, mum, I'm not marrying someone with bigger tits than me. He looks like a condom full of walnuts.
- What is that man doing with his hand on my Labia?
- Machismo: Get your hand off my left tit. I'll fight you on one condition that you lower your nipples.
- Sprocket: You couldn't organize a fart at a curry-eating contest!
- Charlie:You are going to fight him and that's that, there's no way out of it! When your God tells you to beat the shit out of somebody, you do it. That's when religion is all about!
- Sampson: What would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?
- Narrator: Labia and Testiculi, destined to be joined together.
- Chicken: Cluck, cluck...Oh fuck, missed me cue.
- Labia: [to Hercules] Well I suppose I better introduce you to me mum.
- Muriel: [On seeing Labia & Hercules approach] Darling, you haven't been hanging around the gymnasium again have you?
- Labia: Mum, who do you think is the dumbest man in the world?
- Muriel: Why Hercules of course!
- Labia: Well say hello!
- Labia: [After making love to Testiculi] Was it as good for you as it was for me?
- Testiculi: Well... I didn't expect the earth to move... but I at least expected you to.
- Labia: You're so romantic...
- Stretch: [as Zeus] Your actual purpose is not as you believe to marry Labia, but to reveal your true homosexuality.
- Hercules: Homosexual?
- Muriel: Is there something you want to tell me?
- Charlie: What? About Fanny? We're just good friends...
- Muriel: She's wearing your underpants.
- Charlie:: Well, we're obviously very good friends ain't we?
- Charlie: [singing] My, my, my, Delilah!
- Delilah:Don't you sing the next line!
- Charlie: Why, why, why Delilah?
- Delilah:You promised no more fighting after that man was killed!
- Sampson: Oh that's a bit steep Del, you stabbed him.
- Delilah: Don't split hairs!
- Sir Michael Kent:I'm going to chew you up and spit you out!
- Hercules: Well, if that's any indication of your dietary habits...
- The original, classic, theatrical release.