O’Hara: Those goons we cut down, they had a note attached to ‘em.
Gordon: Oh, well maybe we should read it.
O’Hara: It says, ‘Criminals of Gotham, fear me.’
Gordon: Oh dear.
O’Hara: And then it’s signed: Bruce Wayne. But then that’s crossed out and underneath it’s written: Batman.
Gordon: Oh, peaches! I’m baffled. How does a bat become a man? And why does he have such a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or blood? (His phone rings.) Hello, this is Commissioner Gordon. You better have some good news.
Batman: Tonight will be a night of terror!
Gordon: What? That’s terrible news!
Gordon: I am pleased to announce that today the city’s crime rates are at an all time low.
(Everyone cheers, and pulls out their guns, firing into the air.)
Gordon: Yep. Still the highest in the world, but we’re working on it.
Superman: The caped crusader. Nice to finally meet you. Hey, I’m Superman.
Batman: Yeah. Duh.
Superman: Hey. Hey, dude. Sorry if I embarrassed you back there. I can’t always help how powerful I am, you know?
Batman: Yeah. Sure. But you must have some weakness.
Superman: Hmm? Uh, no. No.
Batman: Oh. Okay. Not even kryptonite?
Superman: Who’d you hear that from?
Batman: From Lex Luther. At golf. He also told me that you can’t see through lead, which is why my mask is lined with it. It’s alright. Some of us superheroes like having secret identities, Clark Kent.
Superman: Who’s that? I don’t even know who that is.
Batman: Oh, that’s funny. Because it’s you.
Superman: Prove it.
Batman: Okay, I will. (He pulls out a pair of glasses, and sticks them on Superman’s face. Superman immediately takes them off and breaks them. He turns back and gives Batman a ring.)
Superman: Hey, did you lose a diamond ring?
Batman: Thank you. I’ll give it to Lois Lane tonight after I naked her.
Superman: Hey, that’s a pretty nice plane you got over there.
Batman: Thanks, I built it myself.
Superman: You know, you should get it looked at, because it’s not very fast.
Batman: Well, yes, of course. Of course it’s not very fast, that’s because it’s... my old plane.
Superman: Old plane?
Batman: Uh huh.
Superman: Got another one?
Batman: Yeah. It’s my new plane. And I don’t bring it out during the day so you’ll probably never see it, but it is fast.
Batman: Uh huh.
Superman: How fast?
Batman: Faster than you.
Superman: You don’t know how fast I am. I’m so fast that if I wanted to, I could fly around the world til it started travelling in the opposite direction, and then everything would go back in time, okay? You’d be a little baby. And I’d spank you. Like a little bat-child.
Batman: No you couldn’t.
Superman: How do you know?
Batman: ‘Cause you don’t know who I am.
Superman: Fuck you.
Batman: (Standing up.) Fuck you!
Batman: Alfred! How could you do this to me? You got my hopes up so high, and then you mugged and shot them in an alleyway. Turns out that I can’t even trust you, after all. You’re fired, you old fraud. Get the hell out of the batcave.
Alfred: Well, if that’s what you bloody want, then fine.
Alfred: Wouldn’t last a day without me.
Batman: Oh, I will too.
Alfred: Wanna bet?
Alfred: Fuck you.
Batman: Fuck, fuck you!
Superman: Fuck Batman! Sorry.
Green Lantern: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s wrong with Batman?
Superman: I don’t know. I just feel like he’s an overrated hero, you know? The guy doesn’t even have any superpowers, and have you seen how many twitter followers he has?
Green Lantern: No, man, I’m not on the tweeter.
Superman: He’s got a lot.
Green Lantern: More than you?
Superman: Yeah. But it’s not fair, because he’s got the twitter name ‘Batman.’ Somebody already took the twitter name ‘Superman’ and all they do is tweet about how dumb I am.
Green Lantern: Yeah, but who would do a thing like that?
Superman: I don’t know. Some asshole named Bruce Wayne. Anyway, my twitter name is ‘therealsuperman’ which, of course, makes it sound like I’m the fake Superman.
Green Lantern: Well, that’s rough, Clark.
Superman: Wait, you know my secret identity?
Green Lantern: It’s a secret?
Alfred/O’Malley: Sir, it’s me, O’Malley. You can’t stay in your pillow fort and cry forever.
Batman: Yes I can.
Alfred/O’Malley: But I’ve got a surprise for you.
Batman: (He opens the door.) What kind of surprise?
Alfred/O’Malley: A visitor.
Batman: (He closes the door.) I don’t like visitors.
Alfred/O’Malley: Yes, I know. But this visitor is unlike any other. You see, this visitor, he’s from the circus.
(Batman opens the door again.)
Alfred/O’Malley: You like the circus, don’t you?
Alfred/O’Malley: Who likes the circus?
Alfred/O’Malley: You like the circus.
Batman: Batman loves the circus.
Batman: Hi, I’m Bruce Man. I mean, I’m Bat Wayne, fuck! Can I start over?
Batman: Hi, I’m Batman. Fuck! I’m Bruce Wayne.
Dick: Charmed, I’m sure. They call me... Dick.
Batman: Does that hurt your feelings?
Dick: No. Because it’s my name.
Dick: Years ago, when I was a humble circus boy, my parents and I performed together in an acrobatic trio. Until one night, while performing their most dangerous and awe-inspiring feat, The Grayson Dive, they were murdered, midair, by a robin.
Batman: By a robber!
Dick: No. a robin.
Batman: What’s a robin? Is that like a lizard?
Dick: It’s a songbird.
Batman: Oh. My god, it must be huge.
Dick: It’s quite small, actually.
Batman: Oh. Well that’s good. Small is good. Actually, on my first night out, I was Pterodactylman. But, wouldn’t you know it, people laughed at me. And I think that Batman works really well because I’m a huge bat, but I’m a tiny pterodactyl.
You’ve reached the voicemail of... Bruce Man. I mean, Bat Wayne, I mean, Bat, ah, fuck.
Batman: What? Robin’s not stupid! You’re stupid!
Batman: You’ve always hated Robin, haven’t you? Don’t think I haven’t noticed. But your bat sliding days are over. Get out of the batcave you drunken slob! You’re fired!
Alfred/O’Malley: You’re getting lost in this crazy character of yours.
Alfred/O’Malley: Well, if that’s what you bloody want, then fine!
Alfred/O’Malley: I’ll pack my things.
Batman: Don’t bother, I’ll have them burned.
Alfred/O’Malley: Fuck you.
Batman: Fuck yoooouuuuuu.
Alfred/Quan Li: Oh, hello.
Batman: Who are you? And how did you get into the batcave?
Alfred/Quan Li: Oh, forgiveness, please. The agency just sent me over. My name is Quan Li, the Chinese butler.
Batman: Good to meet you, Quan Li. I’m Bat Wayne. I’m Bruce Man. Fuck! I’m Batman! And I’m in a bad mood.
Denise: Hey. Have you been watching the news?
Dylan: I sure have. That nut job Sweet Tooth is gonna poison the water supply.
Denise: This is even worse than when The Joker poisoned the water supply.
Dylan: Or when Scarecrow poisoned the water supply.
Denise: Or when Killer Croc poisoned the water supply.
Superman: Hello, Batman? It’s Superman! I mean, uh, I mean... (With an accent.) This is one of Superman’s friends. I’ll get Superman for you, hold on. Yo, Supes. (Normal.) Uh, what is it, Snoop Dogg? (Accent.) You’ve got a phone call, motherfucker.
Sweet Tooth: That’s the true nature of humanity, Robin. I mean, see how quickly I made society crumble? Brought the city to its knees. And all it took was a facebook poll and some guns. Months of meticulous planning, several hundred thugs, countless man hours, a cartoonishly large sour warhead and millions upon millions of dollars. Not to mention all that money spent on fucking candy!
Candy: Oh, but you can do that for free any time you like.