From Wikiquote
(Redirected from Hoodwinked)
Jump to: navigation, search

Hoodwinked! is a 2005 film based on the Little Red Riding Hood folktale. Structurally, it borrows from the films Rashomon and The Usual Suspects, as well as frequently intertwining various plots, a method popularized by Quentin Tarantino's cult film Pulp Fiction.


[first lines]
Narrator: [voiceover] Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. [cue the sound of a small girl screaming] But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: "You can't judge a book by its cover". If you want to know the truth, you've got to flip through the pages. [The book flips open to a popup map. The camera zooms in, flies through the trees, and comes to rest on the front door of a cottage in a meadow]
[A figure opens the front door]
Red Puckett: Granny? [hearing nothing, she steps into the living room] It's me, Red. [looks around, uncertain] Is everything OK?
The Wolf: [falsetto voice] Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in. [camera whip-pans to show the Wolf sitting up in Granny's bed, dressed in an apron and wearing a plastic face mask. Red cautiously approaches him]
Red Puckett: What? Wh-- who are you?
The Wolf: I'm your grandma.
Red Puckett: Your face looks really weird, granny.
The Wolf: I've been sick, I... uh... [puts his hands over his chest]
Red Puckett: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
The Wolf: [taps his mask] Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now come on over here. Let's have a look at you. [Red steps closer, warily]
Red Puckett: So... what's going on, "grandma"?
The Wolf: Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot? [Red notices his furry hands]
Red Puckett: Whoa, what big hands you have!
The Wolf: Oh! All the better to scratch my back with! [does so]
Red Puckett: And what big ears you have!
The Wolf: [becoming increasingly irritated] All the better to hear your... many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.
Red Puckett: [shakes her head in disbelief] And Granny... what big eyes you have!
The Wolf: [losing his temper] Are we just going to sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! [leans in closer to Red] You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket! [Red leans back, disgusted]
Red Puckett: Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!
The Wolf: All right! [pulls off his mask; Red screams and takes a step back]
Red Puckett: You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!
The Wolf: Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!
Red Puckett: HI-YAH! [Red positions her arms in a fighting stance]
The Wolf: Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up. [Grabs a fireplace poker; Red runs into the living room, where he manages to corner her]
Red Puckett: Hi-yah! You crazy Wolf! What have you done with Granny?!
The Wolf: [grabs her arm] I've taken Granny down and you're next! [Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]
Red Puckett: Granny!
The Wolf: But, you, that's not... [Kirk bursts through the window, holding an axe] Whoa! Whoa!

[Grizzly meets Bill Stork outside the cottage]
Chief Ted Grizzly: Bill.
Det. Bill Stork: [turns around, startled] Chief!
Chief Ted Grizzly: All right, uh, what have we got?
Det. Bill Stork: Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an axe without a license, intent to eat...
Chief Ted Grizzly: I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?
Det. Bill Stork: You mean the Goodie Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.
Chief Ted Grizzly: The cookbook lady?
Det. Bill Stork: Yeah that's the one.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Hmm.
[opens the door; from left to right we see the Wolf, Kirk, Granny, and Red sitting in chairs, handcuffed, around a smashed table as police radio chatter continues]
Det. Bill Stork: Okay, Paul Bunyan here [Kirk] was swinging the axe, and Wolfie was trying to eat Li'l Bit [Red].
Chief Grizzly: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.
The Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Well you can explain it to the judge. [turns to Red] Shouldn't you be in school?
Red Puckett: Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
Chief Ted Grizzly: [is distracted by something] Wha-what are you doing?
[Three pig cops standing around a wicker basket turn to him]
Pigs: Oh, uh, hey, Chief.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Don't eat that! That's evidence!
Timmy: Right.
[Another officer puts a muzzle over the Wolf's mouth]
Chief Ted Grizzly: All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: little Miss Rosycakes [Red] making covert deliveries to the goodie tycoon [Granny], Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then crazy flannel pants [Kirk] with the axe here busts in swinging vigilante style. Take 'em downtown, boys!
Det. Bill Stork: Uh, it's the woods, chief. We don't have a downtown.
Chief Grizzly: You know what I mean! Just book 'em!
Nicky Flippers: Not so fast, Grizzly. [Flippers enters through the back door] That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.

[Flippers has shown up uninvited]
Chief Grizzly: Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!
Nicky Flippers: Well, well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. [eyes the four detainees] Now of course, I see I was right.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Well you're too late, Nicky, I've got this case all wrapped up.
Nicky Flippers: Is that right?
Chief Ted Grizzly: Yeah.
Red Puckett: They've got this all wrong, Mr. Flippers. [Flippers notices Red and walks over to her]
Nicky Flippers: Oh, I don't know. You look very dangerous to me. What's your name?
Red Puckett: Red.
Nicky Flippers: And why do they call you that?
Red Puckett: Why do they call you "Flippers"?
[Cuts to Flippers on the dance floor at a disco club in a flashy white suit. As the crowd chants "Go Flippers!" in the background, he executes a perfect back flip]
Nicky Flippers: [scratches his tie nervously] Uh, no reason.
Red Puckett: They call me "Red" because of this red hood I wear.
Nicky Flippers: What about when you're not wearing it? [beat]
Red Puckett: I usually wear it.

[Red has been brought in to be interviewed]
Nicky Flippers: What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out! How 'bout a cage?
Bill Stork: [on walkie-talkie, eager] Bring in the cage!
Nicky Flippers: I was being sarcastic.
Bill Stork: [on walkie-talkie, disappointed] Sarcasm. Strike the cage... [The guy on the other end of the radio groans]
Chief Grizzly: [sighs] Well all right. Get the cuffs off her. [The notary sharpens his pencil and Red's handcuffs are removed]
Nicky Flippers: So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?
Red Puckett: Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries to my granny's goody shop.

[While Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]
Boingo: Hey Red! [hops into her basket] Oh, nice outfit! Always "red" with you. You must be in autumn.
Red Puckett: [smiles] Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?
Boingo: [glumly] No, he closed up shop. Somebody took all his recipes last night and now I'm out of a job!
Red Puckett: Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry! Are you still running the cable car?
Boingo: Yeah. Yeah, I am, but it's nothin' like making goodies all day. I'll tell you that.
Red Puckett: Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? [hands him one]
Boingo: [brightens] Oh boy, oh boy! Thanks, Red! I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally... devil!
Red Puckett: Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves. [Boingo hops away]

[Red sees a family of four abandoning their boarded up roadside snack shack]
Mother: Come on, let's go.
Child: Where are we going now, mama?
Red Puckett: [narrating] With the Goody Bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.
[Cuts to Granny talking on the phone while knitting]
Granny Puckett: I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.
Red Puckett: Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny! What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out! Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping!
Granny Puckett: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red Puckett: I'm not so little anymore!
Granny Puckett: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red Puckett: But-
Granny Puckett: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [blows air kisses and hangs up; Red sighs, annoyed]

[Red is in a treehouse, reading a magazine; a woodpecker flies up]
Woodpecker: Watchya readin', Red? [Sees the magazine cover] "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?
Red Puckett: No. The world is too dangerous for me! [Throws her arms up in exasperation, in the process throwing her magazine away. It lands spread-open on a passing car]
Driver: [swerves and revs his engine] Aah! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid! [Cuts back to Red as we hear the sound of screeching tires, followed seconds later by a loud crash. Red gives a tense look to the camera] I'm okay! I'll walk it off! [Red relaxes]
Woodpecker: You can't go away! Who's gonna ride the goody bike?
Red Puckett: If I had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain [waves towards a snowcapped peak in the distance], and the next one and the next one.....but I can't. I'm just a kid.
Woodpecker: I'm just a woodpecker. [Red hears the sound of glass being shattered and flinches] Uh-oh. [Red shimmies down the rope and runs over to Granny's store, nearby, and finds the front window shattered. She opens the door, picks up a rock on the floor, and finds the words "YOU'RE NEXT!" written on it]
Woodpecker: [fluttering down and landing next to Red's feet] "You're next!"? What does it mean, "You're next!"? [Red hears a noise and sees the owner of the store next door tacking up a notice that reads "Out O' Business"]
Owner: Ruined... [turns and trudges away, muttering to herself. Red looks back at the store safe]
Red Puckett: It means someone wants our recipes....

[Red grabs the recipe book from the safe]
Woodpecker: Are they gonna get your recipes? [Red glares at him]
Red Puckett: Not today. [loads the book into her basket and places it under a tray. Cut to the present day]
Nicky Flippers: [grabbing a sandwich from the fridge] So, you deliberately took your granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission?
Red Puckett: Help yourself.
Nicky Flippers: And then, you set off on a dangerous journey up the mountain [flicks an olive off the toothpick, snatching it out of the air with his tongue] alone?
Red Puckett: Yeah. I guess I did.

Boingo: I guess running the cable car's not so bad. You know, it's a great way to see the forest without having to worry about all the big, hairy beasts down there!
Red Puckett: [unnerved] Beasts? [Boingo hops over towards her end of the cabin]
Boingo: Oh, yeah, you know, beasts - the--the wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the... sabre tooth tigers! Bu-but mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. Forests can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me, with my, well look at me, I'm fuzzy. Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red Puckett: Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier - about the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful. [The doors fly open and Red flails around, trying to keep her balance]
Boingo: No! [jumps for Red's basket, but she grabs it as she slips and falls towards the woods below]

[Red has just fallen from the tram, and has just seen two hungry eyes glaring at her when a squirrel lands and takes a photo of her. She turns and gasps to find herself face to face with the Wolf]
The Wolf: Afternoon. [beat]
Red Puckett: Hello.
The Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.
Red Puckett: Oh, you saw that.
The Wolf: Yep, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the.... You should write a letter. [sniffs] Wow, something smells good. Are those... goodies in there?
Red Puckett: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
The Wolf: No, you shouldn't. Good call. So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?
Red Puckett: Uhhh... my granny.
The Wolf: Granny? Granny Puckett, the goodie lady? My goodness, she makes some good.... goodies. She's got a thing. It's like a, uh, it's like, a, uh... cookies, shortbread chocolate icing between very....[sighs] It's good. Uh, it's very good. You make deliveries to your Granny often?
Red Puckett: [shakes her head] I don't think I should tell you that.
The Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red Puckett: You ask a lot of questions, mister!
The Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red Puckett: I'd rather you didn't. [The Wolf lets out a ferocious roar and she immediately runs away]

[The Wolf is floating away down the river after being tricked by Red]
The Wolf: You can't hold on to those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little Granny too! [The hummingbirds return Red's cloak to her]
Chief Grizzly: Yep, that settles it. [cuts back to the interview] We've got our bandit.
Nicky Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
Timmy: [oinks] Chickens?
Red Puckett: You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
Nicky Flippers: [nods] Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy. [Tommy and Timmy exchange glances]
Tommy: [on radio] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we've got in the tank?
Bruce: Uh, the creepy one?
Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.
Nicky Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?
Red Puckett: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

[Red arrives in an alpine meadow. She hears music]
Red Puckett: Hello!
[She sees a mine shack across the meadow and runs towards it; Japeth is rocking on his horns as Red walks up the hill to the front porch]
Red Puckett: Hello. [Japeth doesn't hear her and continues yodeling] I'm looking for...Granny Puckett's house?
Japeth: [singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...
Red Puckett: Could you stop singing for one moment?
Japeth: [singing] No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy... [beat]
Red Puckett: Everything?
Japeth: [speaking] That's right.
Red Puckett: You just talked! Just now! [points a finger at Japeth]
Japeth: Oh, did I? [singing] Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo... [Red gives an exasperated glare to the camera]

[Red calls Granny from Japeth's telephone]
Red Puckett: Granny?
Granny Puckett: Huh? What's that? Who's there?
Red Puckett: It's Red. I'm on my way to come see you-
Granny Puckett: Oh my, dearie, I-I'm not prepared! I need to... put down fresh doilies! Aah! [slips on something]
Red Puckett: Granny! Granny! What's wrong?
Granny Puckett: Gotta go, munchkin. Bonasi! [Granny hangs up. A worried expression creeps over Red's face]
Red Puckett: Oh no! [hangs up and turns to Japeth, wild-eyed] Mr. Goat, my granny's in trouble! I've got to find a way around the mountain, fast!
Japeth: [singing] Well you came to the right goat! [pops off his rocking horns]
Red Puckett: Oh, good! More singing....

[During "Be Prepared", Red looks at a map of the mine tunnel network]
Red Puckett: Are these tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove! [She looks at Japeth, who is swinging around on the chandelier and yodeling] Oh... [sighs and turns back to the map]

[Red's mine cart has just gone airborne; as she looks down]
Granny Puckett: Red! [Red looks up and, to her shock, sees Granny in the clouds above her]
Red Puckett: Granny?
Granny Puckett: Use the hood, Red! Use the hood!
[Red unfastens her cloak, which turns into a parachute as the cart plummets to Earth. As she emerges from the clouds....]
Red Puckett: What?! [Red looks in disbelief as Japeth flies past her, holding his banjo and wearing antlers with rotors on the ends]
Japeth: I was prepared! [flies up and away as Red looks on, bemused]

[Red jogs up to Granny's house. She opens the front door and sticks her head in]
Red Puckett: Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything OK?
The Wolf: Oh! Oh yeah, sure thing.
[Cuts to the present]
Nicky Flippers: So this Wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?
Red Puckett: Yes.
The Wolf (flashback): I'm your grandma.
Nicky Flippers: And you bought that?
Red Puckett: No. Not really.
Red Puckett (flashback): Whoa, what big hands you have! [cut] And what big ears you have! [cut] What bad breath you have! [cut] What big eyes you have!
The Wolf (flashback): Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!
Nicky Flippers: Yes, yes, and then the fellow with the axe burst in? [In the flashback, Kirk bursts through the window. The scene plays out like the beginning for a few seconds until Red waves her hands in a "stop everything" gesture]
Red Puckett: No! No! Not yet! [Everything on-screen except for Red freezes in time, and rewinds; Kirk flies back out the window and the window repairs itself] First, I was attacked by that crazy wolf! [The Wolf corners Red in the living room with a fireplace poker]
Red Puckett (flashback): Hi-yah! You crazy wolf!
Red Puckett: Then my Granny jumped out of the closet. [Granny bursts out of the closet and emits a battle cry] But she was tied up. [With an audible pop, Granny is instantly bound and gagged]
Nicky Flippers: And then the Axeman Cometh? [snickers]
Red Puckett: You got it.
[Kirk bursts back through the window]
Red Puckett: Only, he was screaming.
Kirk Kirkendall: [weakly] Aargh? [Red glares at him]
Red Puckett: [angrily] Like a maniac!
[Kirk starts waving his axe wildly]
Chief Ted Grizzly: Wow!
Det. Bill Stork: Hmm.
Nicky Flippers: Ah. So that was it?
Red Puckett: That wolf was going to eat us all....
Chief Ted Grizzly: The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him-
Nicky Flippers: Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.

[Red shoots a disgusted glare at the Wolf as he enters to be interviewed]
The Wolf: Don't I get a drink?
Chief Ted Grizzly: No!
Nicky Flippers: So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you Wolf?
The Wolf: You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, so start singin'!
Nicky Flippers: [squints and scrutinizes the Wolf] Your face looks familiar!
The Wolf: I get around the forest.
Nicky Flippers: What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
The Wolf: I'm a shepherd. [Stork strikes his hand with his baton] Hey!
Red Puckett: You might as well confess! I told them everything!
The Wolf: Will you keep her away from me, please!
Nicky Flippers: I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case, you were snooping around for a lead on his real name.
The Wolf: [nonchalantly] I was close, too. I was going to go with "Greg". Greg Stiltsken.
Chief Ted Grizzly: Hang on! Wait a minute, Flippers, you're saying this guy's a cop?
Nicky Flippers: Worse. He's a reporter.
Red Puckett: A what?!
The Wolf: And I've got the real story.

[The Wolf has just finished following up a lead at a sandwich shop]
The Wolf: [on his tape recorder] No deserts. Waste of time.
[He hears singing, and sees Red riding her bike nearby]
The Wolf (narrating): The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies passed through her hands than anybody else in the whole forest. She seemed happy. A little too happy. [As he watches through some bushes, he sees some hummingbirds carry Red and her bike across a stream]
The Wolf: Whoa! Creepy! [retreats behind the bushes]
The Wolf (narrating): I was starting to have my suspicions. [He takes out his tape recorder and presses the record button]
The Wolf: Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood? [As he scratches his chin and ponders, Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to him, causing him to jump] Ah! Twitchy, you scared me.
Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
The Wolf: Twitchy, you've gotta calm down.
Twitchy: I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
The Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy: [pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala-
The Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We've gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy: Got the 220x and a photo-grab with auto-focus. Ooo, look at that - comes with a 500 mm lens. You want the color or black and white?
The Wolf: Doesn't matter.
Twitchy: I brought a flash! [immediately takes a picture in the Wolf's face, briefly blinding him]
The Wolf: Will you put that away?! It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh! [grins]
The Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee!
[the Wolf looks away, unconvinced]

[The Wolf is visiting Woolworth, his informant]
The Wolf: I wanna know about the girl in the red hood.
Woolworth: Don't know a thing. Never heard of her. [The Wolf slips him some money] Little Red? Processing. Oh, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put up an invisible fence, I tasted metal fillings for a week!
The Wolf: Focus! The girl in the hood. You get around the mountain. Who does she work for?
Woolworth: How should I know? I ain't that curious! [The Wolf slips him some more money] It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?
The Wolf: Puckett?
Woolworth: That's her grandma.
The Wolf: The Granny Puckett? You pullin' the wool over my eyes?
Woolworth: [sarcastically] Ha ha, hilarious. You come up with that yourself? That's funny.
The Wolf: [gives a cold glare to Woolworth] You're looking pretty tasty.
Woolworth: Why do you have to be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.
The Wolf: Except the little girl.
Woolworth: The word in the herd is that she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain.
The Wolf: Cable car?

[The Wolf and Twitchy are following the cable car up the mountain from the woods below]
The Wolf: Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbing a bite.
Twitchy: Sounds good, sounds good.
[The Wolf pulls out a radar gun, and starts scanning his surroundings. He picks up random wildlife noises - a bleating mountain goat, some croaking frogs, and also some German yodeling. Then...]
Voice 1: I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her? Should I-
Voice 2: Well she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people probably, you should do the same.
Voice 1: Shh. Up there.
[The camera angle changes to show the tip of the Wolf's dish hovering over two caterpillers on a leaf]
Caterpillar: Do you mind?
The Wolf: [embarrassed] Ooh. Sorry. [He aims his radar gun back at the cable car's cabin and continues walking, eventually picking up voices]
Boingo's voice: Hey, you deliver up this far?
Red Puckett's voice: [unintelligible due to static] ....but I was thinking of....the Muffin Man.....Granny's recipes.....an evil plan.....to shut down everyone in the forest. [The Wolf lowers his radar]
The Wolf: I knew it. She's working for the old lady. Twitchy?
[Twitchy climbs onto a tree branch, at which point Red falls out of the car. He starts taking pictures of her up until she crashes through his branch, hits several more branches, and lands on the ground]
The Wolf: [deadpan, into tape recorder] Ouch. [As Red discovers a footprint, Twitchy swallows his camera. The extra weight causes him to fall from his branch and snap a through-the-mouth flash photo of Red]
The Wolf: [facepalms] Ugh. [Steps out from his hiding place. Red gasps] Afternoon.
Red Puckett: Hello.
The Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now. [Twitchy hides behind his boss and coughs up his camera] Yep, gravity's working.....So what are you doing out here in the big bad forest? Are you taking the goodies to someone in particular? [Twitchy disassembles the camera and starts checking individual parts for damage]
Red Puckett: Uhhh... my granny. [Twitchy sprays a small amount of cleaning solution under his armpits]
The Wolf: Ah, you don't have anything else in that basket?
Red Puckett: You ask a lot of questions, mister! [Twitchy winds up the camera]
The Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
Red Puckett: I'd rather you didn't. [At that precise moment, the Wolf's tail gets caught in the camera and he screams. Red screams and she runs away. He looks at his tail, embarrassed]
The Wolf: I mean, please! Come back here! [turns to Twitchy] What are you doing?!
Twitchy: Sorry! I was just winding!
The Wolf: Come on! We're gonna lose her!

[The Wolf has overtaken Red by taking a taxi cab]
The Wolf: [into his tape recorder] Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed. [steps out from behind the tree he is using as cover when Red gets close; she gasps and freezes] Hand over the basket!
[Red raises a pepper spray can and sprays him in the eyes]
Red Puckett: Hi-yah! [She starts kicking and punching him. Midway through, we cut back to the Wolf's present day interview]
Nicky Flippers: [incredulous] So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?
The Wolf: Hey.
[Cuts to Red, standing next to a photo of herself in a martial arts uniform, with the caption "Red Puckett: Forest Regional Karate Champion". Meanwhile....]
Red Puckett: HIIII-YAH!! [spin-kicks the Wolf, causing him to fall on his back, then takes off]
The Wolf: Come back here, you little brat! [As Twitchy runs, trying to catch up, the Wolf chases Red's cape, not noticing that it is actually being flown by hummingbirds. When he grabs it, he finds it empty, and the camera whips back to reveal him frozen in mid-air past the edge of a cliff] Okay. Not cool.
[Falls into the freezing water below]
The Wolf: [floating away, and noticing Red standing on the cliff above him] You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and you little granny too! [He sees a fisherman on the river bank looking at him intently]
Fisherman: Hmm. That's fishy.
The Wolf: What?! They're evil! I'll prove it!

[The Wolf is drying off on a log when Twitchy hobbles up, panting, and collapses]
Twitchy: So can we eat?
The Wolf: Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.
Twitchy: Well, what do we do?
The Wolf: We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does. [Boingo appears]
Boingo: Is it a surprise?
The Wolf: Excuse me?
Boingo: You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or what is it? Is there some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat! [forcefully scratches his right ear against his head]
The Wolf: Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?
Boingo: Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.
The Wolf: [to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.
Boingo: You go over the woods and through the river... no, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.
The Wolf: You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade.
[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a dark tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]
The Wolf: And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.
Twitchy: Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!
The Wolf: Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off. [immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist] Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg... [holds up a brightly colored Easter Egg with illegible handwriting and a tiny map scribbled on the side] ...which is very hard to read.
Twitchy: Oh, we're gonna die in here!
The Wolf: Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!

[The Wolf and Twitchy have boarded a mine cart]
The Wolf: Now THIS is a shortcut! [A loud rumble is heard as their cart runs along the mountainside]
Twitchy: What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!
The Wolf: Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.
[The cart enters a tunnel]
Twitchy: Hey lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!
The Wolf: Box of candles? Light 'em up! [Twitchy lights one, and holds up.... a stick of dynamite with a sparking fuse] Wow that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?
Twitchy: [looks at the print on the side] Uh, DEE-NA-MEE-TAY. Hmm, must be Italian.
The Wolf: Lose the candle! [Wrestles with Twitchy for the stick, which falls, rolls, and ignites every single stick of dynamite stored in the back. The Wolf yelps and starts rapidly throwing sticks behind the cart as they exit the tunnel onto a trestle. The sticks hit the track and explode, and the Wolf pulls the emergency brake, bringing the cart to a stop at the bottom. As they come to their senses, another cart goes off the truncated track end behind them with a loud scream]
The Wolf: You hear something?
Twitchy: Hmmm?
The Wolf: Huh. Come on, let's get to Granny's.

[The Wolf and Twitchy arrive at Granny's cottage]
The Wolf: [knocks on door] Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram! [He opens the door, finding it unlocked]
Twitchy: Huh, whadda we do, boss? [The Wolf sees a cardboard cutout of Granny and is repulsed]
The Wolf: [narrating] Lucky for me, Granny keeps a lot of her merchandise around the cottage. Disguise was the only way of catching this girl in the act of smuggling. [He dons a plastic face mask and apron]
The Wolf: [falsetto voice] Sweetie pie. [Outtake beeps, cut to take 2] Sugar plum! [take 3] Uh, hug your granny, little puddin' pop!
Twitchy: [bored] Oh....
The Wolf: [lifts up the mask] Ooh! Boy, that's hot. OK, change of plans, you can be Granny.
[There is a loud knock on the door]
Twitchy: She's coming! [The Wolf throws him in a side closet, where Granny is bound and gagged]
Red Puckett's voice: [coming from the foyer] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything OK?
The Wolf: [pulls down the mask] Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.
Chief Grizzly: Pretty thin, Wolf! [Cut back to the present day] You say the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?!
The Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief! I don't make it.
Red Puckett: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job. [rolls her eyes]
The Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves. [Cuts to a picture of the Wolf's family portrait]
Chief Grizzly: You got a way to back this up? [Twitchy appears]
Twitchy: I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers: That so? Let's have a look... [examines the photos] Hmmm... these are good... Ha... [shows picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume] Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.
Twitchy: I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chi tea/latte book.
Nicky Flippers: Photos don't lie, Chief. [Grizzly growls in frustration]
The Wolf: Good work, Twitchy.

[Flippers has Kirk brought in to be interviewed; Kirk hits his head on the doorway coming into the room]
Nicky Flippers: My, my. You're a big fellow. Shop at the Big and Tall store?
Kirk Kirkendall: This is a big and tall mistake! I would not hurt a butterfly!
Det. Bill Stork: [slams Kirk's pickaxe down in front of him] Then what's this?! A letter opener?!
Chief Ted Grizzly: Yeah that's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
Kirk Kirkendall: I can do the Cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] "Howdy, partner!"
Nicky Flippers: Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, you think you could rustle us up some information?

[Kirk returns to his truck and finds it vandalized]
Kirk Kirkendall: What the schnitzel? My schnitzel truck, it's been... [sputters] They stole everything! [The kids he was entertaining begin to leave]
Boingo: Oh, that's too bad. [The children part to reveal Boingo, holding Red's carrot crumpet] It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?
Kirk Kirkendall: I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today! I cannot even sell the bunion cream! Now I'm gonna lose my job!
Boingo: Well chin up, mister! Maybe some day, somebody will open up a great big goody shop, and we can all work for that little guy.

[Kirk is felling trees]
Kirk Kirkendall: Sorry little birds! [a tree with a populated bird's nest on it falls; one branch nearly hits two turtles]
Turtle: RUN! [He and his mate start inching along with strained necks]

[Kirk has just finished his story]
Nicky Flippers: So, you didn't jump through the window, you were pushed. By a tree. Because you were pretending to be a woodsman. To sell foot cream.
Kirk Kirkendall: I got the callback!
Nicky Flippers: And good for you. Suffice to say, our thespian friend here knows the least about anything.
Kirk Kirkendall: Exactly! What does that mean?
Chief Grizzly: That it all points to Granny.

[Granny is on the phone with Red]
Granny Puckett: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
Red Puckett: I'm not so little anymore!
Granny Puckett: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there and everything will be fine.
Red Puckett: But-
Granny Puckett: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses.
[blows air kisses and hangs up. The camera pulls back to show Granny is holding ski poles and wearing skis]
Granny Puckett: Time to shred some powder!

[Granny meets her teammates before the Xtreme Dream ski race]
Granny Puckett: Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
[Everyone starts talking at once]
2-Tone: Yo!
P-Biggie: Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
2-Tone: Gimme one of those!
Zorra: Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
2-Tone: Snickadeedoo!
[Everyone looks at 2-Tone blankly]

[Prior to the Xtreme Dream Snowsports Competition, Granny encounters Boingo]
Granny Puckett: Well, what's your name?
Boingo: Umm... just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, put some X's and O's and a little smiley face.

[The skiers are lined up at the starting line]
Dolph: You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!
Granny Puckett: Bring it, honey.

[Dolph is hanging Granny from a cliff]
Granny Puckett: Who do you work for?!
Dolph: I. Can't. Tell you that!
Granny Puckett: Young man, you tell me this instant!
Dolph: All right! [sniffles] We were hired by the bandit!
Granny Puckett: Who IS the Bandit?!
[Dolph growls, lets go of Granny, then pushes her off the cliff; Granny screams as she disappears into the fog]
Dolph: [pulls out his walkie-talkie and calls his boss] Granny is finished. Now we go after the little red-hooded girl.
[The camera zooms down to show Granny hanging onto a branch just out of sight]
Granny Puckett: [Upon overhearing the conversation] Red!

[Granny has just revealed her secret sports life to the police. Red is giving a disgusted look at her]
Granny Puckett: Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red Puckett: I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?
[stunned silence]
Det. Bill Stork: Awkward! [awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]
Granny Puckett: You're being ridiculous, Red.
Red Puckett: I'm being ridiculous?! You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?!
Tommy: I have a...
Nicky Flippers: Coffee break, anyone?
Chief Grizzly: Uh, yeah. [Everyone starts for the door]
Det. Bill Stork: Who's got my keys?
Raccoon Jerry: You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
Chief Grizzly: Excuse us. [Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room]
Granny Puckett: I thought you were happy.
Red Puckett: Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny Puckett: Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
Red Puckett: [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore.

[As Red sits by a waterfall, she muses about her past. In one flashback, she finds a medal in a drawer]
Red Puckett: Huh, what's this?
Granny Puckett: Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma."
Red Puckett: Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators." [black-and-white photos of Granny in a cage match are shown]

Wolf W. Wolf: I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but... drink up.
[Gives Twitchy a full coffee mug]
Wolf W. Wolf: We may want... to stand back. [Twitchy sips the coffee. Seconds later, the sugar rush activates and he starts shaking wildly]
Wolf W. Wolf: Go get 'em, boy!
[The Wolf plucks the mug out of the air. Twitchy ricochets off several trees like a pinball, laughing maniacally, and then speeds away over the hill, so fast that he kicks up a long trail of dust behind him]
Wolf W. Wolf: What... have I done?
Granny Puckett: Now the rest is up to us.
Kirk Kirkendall: [sniffs] Can I have coffee?

[Boingo and Dolph arrive at the upper terminal and get off the tram; Boingo tosses Red's cloak on the car floor]
Dolph: I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.
Boingo: Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here!
Dolph: What about the old lady? She's alive. She'll be back.
Boingo: You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man - The Muffin Man! And Granny!! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again! [Boingo bursts out wailing, then cackles, then cries, all in a matter of seconds, then immediately sobers up] Oh! I just love my job! [He and Dolph start walking down the loading ramp] You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in 5 years?"
Red Puckett: How about behind bars? [Boingo freezes. He turns around and sees Red standing at the bottom of the ramp, glaring at him]
Boingo: Red! Oh! Hey, Red! What are you— you've spoiled the surprise!
Red Puckett: You're the bandit!
Boingo: [pause, looks at Lesa and Vincent, then back at Red] Surprise!
Red Puckett: I'm walkin' outta here with those recipes!
Boingo: [angered] Really?
Red Puckett: Yeah.
[Red and Boingo begin to face off]
Red Puckett: You're a bad bunny.
Boingo: Ohh! Somebody's finally catchin' up! Did ya think I followed you around on your little deliveries because I liked you?!
[Red and Boingo fight]

[After Boingo finishes his song "Top of the Woods"]
Granny Puckett: Sweet tea and cookies! We've got to do something!
Wolf W. Wolf: I know. The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.

[Red is bound and gagged and being shoved on a air tram filled with dynamite. Muffled yells are heard through Red's gag.]
Boingo: Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight!
[Red struggles through her gag]
Boingo: I'm sorry, what? I can't quite-- with the-- you've got something right there across your mouth! [Laughs evilly and locks the doors as Red still muffle-yells through her gag]
[scene changes to the Wolf and Kirk - who is in Dolph's outfit and wearing a ski mask]
Wolf W. Wolf: You're an actor, right? So this is your big part. This is the role of a lifetime. Make them believe in you. Don't act like an evil henchman; be an evil henchman. Okay, you got it and you remember what you're gonna say, right?
Kirk Kirkendall: Right!
[Inside the cave, Boingo is just securing the cabin doors with a padlock when....]
Kirk Kirkendall: Uh, Mr. Rabbit? [Boingo turns to Kirk]
Boingo: Dolph! Where have you been?! You nimwitted Eurotrash with the, what is that, a ski mask?
Kirk Kirkendall: Uh, I, um, yah...
Boingo: I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good. [turns his focus back to Red]
Kirk Kirkendall: Um, b-boss...
Boingo: [exploding with impatience] What?! Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?!
Kirk Kirkendall: Um... boss, uh, Paul's Bunion Cream has the soothing formula-
The Wolf: [interrupts, dressed in utility worker's clothing] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
Kirk Kirkendall: Yah, yes!
The Wolf: I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Boingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.
The Wolf: [pauses] Let's walk.

[Red, Granny, the Wolf, and Twitchy are at an outdoor bar]
The Wolf: So, how 'bout that new delivery system?
Red Puckett: Well, it beats riding a bike, that's for sure.
[Cuts to Japeth riding a mine cart filled with food]
Japeth: [singing] Oh I've got horns to hold the muffins, and I've got horns to hold the pies....
[Cuts back to the bar]
Red Puckett: Hey, did you hear about Kirk? He finally made it. [Holds out an album with Kirk's image on the cover, with the title "The Happy Yodelers - The Sound of Munich"] Hey, wanna come see the show with us?

[Flippers shows up at the bar]
Red Puckett: Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers: I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.
Granny Puckett: What's going on?
Nicky Flippers: Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.
The Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?
Nicky Flippers: You'd be undercover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens. [hands a business card to Red]
Red Puckett: "Happily Ever After Agency"?
Nicky Flippers: The woods don't go 'round by themselves.
Twitchy: [talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!
Nicky Flippers: So what do you think?
Granny Puckett: Bring it, honey!
Red Puckett: I always did like happy endings.


  • Trouble In The Hood.
  • Armed And Dangerously Dumb.
  • A Granny Who Kicks Fanny.
  • Red Riding Hood, The Woodsman, Granny, The Wolf. Not Your Typical Crime. Not Your Usual Suspects.


External Links[edit]

Wikipedia has an article about: