In Plain Sight (season 2)

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In Plain Sight (2008–2012) is an American drama television series, airing on the USA Network, about a Federal Marshal with the Witness Protection program who must hide her high-risk, high-impact job from her family.

Gilted Lilly [2.01][edit]

Marshall: What's going on, Stan?
Stan: Her name is Eleanor Prince. She was the administrator to the FBI HQ in Phoenix for eight years. Her husband was a field agent and got killed last year in an auto accident.
Marshall: You realize Mary is going to have a problem with this.
Stan: It crossed my mind. You have to get her to accept Eleanor.
Marshall: Shall I teach her to levitate while I'm at it? Come on. You know Mary doesn't like new people.

Mary: [Det. Dershowitz and Marshall hugged] What the hell was that?
Marshall: We bonded over your near death experience.
Mary: And you became black in the process?
Det. Dershowitz: Honorary
Marshall: It's very exciting.
Mary: [sarcastically] I'll bet.

Mary: Actually I'm in a really good mood... which is kind weird if you consider where I was 48-hours ago; and then I have a witness off herself; and if that's not bad enough I have to play second fiddle to a guy like you.
Marshall: Thanks for lumping me in with kidnapping, attempted rape, and suicide, can't tell you how much that means.


Det. Dershowitz: So do you like any of them for this?
Marshall: It's hard to find a motive for murder. I suppose any of them could have assisted.
Mary: When I kill my mother there will be no doubt as to who did it.

Eleanor: Can I get you anything, chief?
Stan: Um, no. No, thank you.
Eleanor: Sir, you didn't do anything wrong. They were both out of line.
Stan: Mrs. Prince. When I came into this office ten years ago I had twice as many inspectors handling half as many witnesses and it was still too many, which is why I'm so grateful you're here. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but when I want an opinion on matters of my inspectors, I'll ask. Okay?
Eleanor: Are you sure I can't get you anything?
Stan: Yeah, a cup of coffee would be great.

Mary: Second bottle, mom?
Jinx: For those keeping score.
Mary: [To Marshall] Second bottle is the ironic Jinx. You want to be gone by number three.
Marshall: Say no more, and you go to bed.
Mary: Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, I'm fine.
Marshall: I know, and you need to remember that. Whatever's happening inside your head needs to happen. Now just let it flow. Be the river.
Mary: Don't be a retard. I can't be the river.
Marshall: You can be the river!
Mary: Okay, but not today. Tomorrow I'll be the river.
Marshall: That a girl.

Mary: [Voiceover] My addled brain tries to connect the dots, wondering how it is we've come to this place. Cold, stark blue-light lodging, indifferent to hope, desire, love, lacking all but the most basic amenities. ... Perhaps this stainless steel and formaldehyde rest stop stands as a post-mortem reminder ... a kind of finger-wagging, refrigerated warning hung for all to see. ... For those inclined to feed the bears, beat the light, traverse thin ice, run with scissors, get rich quick: Here but for the grace of God goes you.

In My Humboldt Opinion [2.02][edit]

Mary: It’s been said neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them and psychiatrists collect the rent. I wonder who they call for home repair?

Mary: Man, oh, man, O'Connor. You FBI guys. I've been on the job for five years. I don't even have a cubicle. You've been in town, what, six minutes? You have a private office? Now how is that fair? By the way, I was just wondering when you think I can expect a crew at my house to fix your mess.
Agent O'Connor: Actually, I was just going to call you about that. I'm looking into the first of week of when hell freezes over. Does that work for you? Because if not I can reschedule.
Mary: No, that's about what I expected. Yeah, so in the meantime I'll just store some of my stuff here. [Dumps a box full of sheetrock and insulation on O'Connor's desk] Does that work for you?

Mary: Okay, you know what, Eleanor? I've tried to be nice. Cut you some slack because you're new, but this is it. I've had it.
Eleanor: I'm sorry, when was it that you tried to to be nice? I must have missed that.
Mary: Yeah, probably because nothing can penetrate that helmet of hairspray and noxious cloud of perfume surrounding you.
Eleanor: Excuse me.
Mary: What?!
Eleanor: Inspector, certain other persons around here might be afraid of you, walk on egg shells. God forbid anyone should upset her highness, but I'm not one of them. You are a bully and you're spoiled and for some reason you have been given a pass on rude behavior, but I won't put up with it. It's unacceptable.
Mary: You think I give a rat's ass what you will or won't put up with, Eleanor?

Marshall: Amnesia, huh?
Mary: Don't you dare laugh.
Marshall: I would never. Although, it is surprising this hasn't happened before, considering how many people would like to forget they ever met you.
Mary: Took you a long time to think of that one, didn't it?
Marshall: Almost an hour.

Mary: [Speaking to witness Jerry Royal] I know you want to be brave. I know you do. Everybody does.

Mary: [Voiceover] I wonder how it could be, all of us quaking cowards, hiding under covers one day, storming beaches the next, shrinking violets impossibly frail. Our best days spent unquestioning, hurtling into hailstorms, the rest just spent. Opposite extremes, half definitions of the same thing, an inexplicable paradox perhaps best left in a bowl full of kibble to be lapped up by Schrödinger's cat.

A Stand-Up Triple [2.03][edit]

Mary: [Voiceover] I've gazed into the eyes of contract killers… listening to them explain they were only trying to feed their kids. Con artists who insist that it's the mark's fault for being so stupid. And Dylan fans in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, defend their love of "Down in the groove". Yes, it's a rare person who admits they're a heartless, greedy bastard possessing absolutely no musical taste.

Mary: I want you both to promise to shoot me in the head if I ever have three kids.
Marshall: Yeah, all right.
Stan: Okay.
Mary: Thanks.

Maureen: You are a Godsend.
Mary: That's what I keep telling everyone.

Peter: Where's your partner? The nice one?
Mary: I don't know. I think he's avoiding you.

Mary: Tripp, you know this act won't last. Okay, the other night? That was your future. As soon as this new guy bails dash.
Tripp Stewart: It doesn't matter. I'm not going to walk out on them. I know she's a wreck, but she's got to have somebody to come home to or all falls apart.
Mary: Wait. Okay, so you're going to destroy your life so your mother has a shoulder to cry on? Please, please, please don't do this. It's not worth it. In the end she'll resent you for it. Trust me, I've been there. I'm still there.
Tripp: I'm not you. This is different. I'm different.
Mary: Really? How so? Name one way that this is different. That your situation is different from mine?
Tripp: It's different because I have you.

Mary: [voiceover] One of the most difficult moments in anyone's life is when the fog of childhood lifts and we see for the first time our parents as people.

Rubble With A Cause [2.04][edit]

Lewis Ford: [sees Mary climbing down the tower of rubble towards him] Mary!
Mary: No, no, don't get up. God forbid you show some manners.
Lewis Ford: You need to get outta here!
Mary: Again with the manners? I'm not here 30 seconds, you're kickin' me out! What, were you raised by guinea pigs? [slips and falls down the rubble] Okay, okay, I might have just soiled myself.
Lewis Ford: [wincing in pain] Don't make me laugh!
Mary: So this is your new place? [slowly makes her way towards Lewis, who's buried in rubble] It's very industrial retro.
Lewis Ford: Where's my housewarming gift?
Mary: I never did get why when someone buys a new house you're supposed to buy them a present. I mean, why not just put a tip jar by the door?
Lewis Ford: Thanks for coming, but you need to get outta here, the whole building's gonna come down.
Mary: Quit being such a drama queen Lewis, we'll both be outta here in no time. You should see the show out there. [finally arrives at Lewis's side] So, you know, where's it hurt? I mean, other than everywhere?

Mary: [grabbing a medical bag that the doctor has thrown down] Please God let there be a ham sandwich in that bag. Okay Doc, walk me through this.
Doctor: Before you do anything, you need to put on a pair of surgical gloves.
Mary: No glove, no love.
Doctor: You're not allergic to latex, are you?
Mary: If I had a nickel for every time I've been asked that question...
Lewis Ford: If I wasn't dying, you'd be funny.
Mary: You're not dying. This was all just a ruse to get me to play doctor.

Stan: [speaking of Mary] Yes, Mr. Mayor, I'm still here. Why is she there? Well, Mr. Mayor, she assessed the situation and took a quick, calculated risk and put her life on the line. Quite frankly, sir, no one else had the balls.

Lewis Ford: What would you do if your partner committed a crime? What would you do? Answer the question, Mary.
Mary: I would stand by him. No matter what, because that's what partners do. You said it yourself: At the end of the day, all that matters you and your partner. You turned on your partner. The second things got ugly, Lewis. The one constant that gets me through it all, the only reason that makes it okay for me to be up here with a worm like you, is I have a partner who has my back, 24/7, no matter what. ... Oh, and Marshall, for the record, I'd sell you out for a Twinkie.

Mary: [Voiceover] I yearn for blind devotion; unthinking, unwavering. A cause, a thing, a principle worthy of absolute loyalty. The truth self medicating, a love unabating, something, anything to which relinquish all personal responsibility. Semper fi. Till death do us part. In nomine patris. Let's go Mets. To the true believers, the lucky few, of thee I sing.

Aguna Matatala [2.05][edit]

Mary: The world has alcohol in it. This weekend is about her learning to live with it.
Brandi: This weekend is about us being supportive and reconnecting with her.
Mary: God, this weekend is gonna blow.

Jinx: [to Brandi, regarding her date with Peter] Where's he taking you?
Brandi: Um, I don't know, I think it's a football game. The Governer's Bowl?
Jinx: The Governor's Ball?
Brandi: [shrugs] Maybe.
Jinx: Monkey! Monkey, the Governor's Ball is the biggest social event of the season!
Brandi: What?! Get out!
Mary: And it's all happening here at Barbie's Dream House!

Mary: [wakes up suddenly to find Brandi going through her closet] You know I sleep with a loaded gun next to me, right?

Marshall: [Speaking of Rabbi Garfinkle] How did he know to have her in Albuquerque?
Mary: He's got magical powers. It's the only explanation.

Avi Roth: How could God do this to me?
Rabbi Garfinkle: Excuse me? God? Your wife and your unborn child lie on the operating table, maybe dying, and you ask God how he can do this to you? You schmuck. God gave you life. God gave you a brain in your head. That's it. The beginning, the middle, the end of all God did to you. All the rest, Avi, the lying, the cheating, stealing, that's all on you, you self-involved child. What are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life trying to find someone else to blame? Or do you think that maybe it's time that you use that brain in your head that God gave you?

Marshall: So how are things with Jinx?
Mary: Weird.
Marshall: She drinking?
Mary: No, not as far as I can tell. She actually seems to be trying pretty hard not to.
Marshall: And that's a problem because...?
Mary: Because eventually she will.
Marshall: Eventually we're all gonna get sick and die. It doesn't mean you can't...
Mary: Make hay while the sun shines ?
Marshall: Yeah. Less trite. Why don't you talk to the rabbi about it ?
Mary: You're my rabbi.
Marshall: L'chaim.
Mary: Gesundheidt. Silly wabbi. Come on. Say it.
Marshall: Kicks are for trids.

One Night Stan [2.06][edit]

Mary: [to Stan] If you go to jail, he becomes my boss, and then I have to kill myself.
Marshall: Thanks. I appreciate that.

Eleanor: I'm the new office administrator.
Det. Dershowitz: You have my deepest sympathy.
Eleanor: Clearly, I committed war crimes in a past life.
Mary: The comedy stylings of Dull and Duller!

Mary: [Voiceover] I once dated a man who taught quantum physics. I learned two things that night. The first being, if you ask a quantum physicist to explain how gravity works—not what it is, not how it behaves, but how it works—he will first talk himself in circles, then wind up crying, and finally, sometime between entree and dessert, call you a bitch and leave.
. . .
The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartenders' gut and lower extremities, and this is important, so pay attention: before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force that on the day before days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. It is the maddening want we feel from from first breath to last light.

Marshall: So, Brandi finally dates someone respectable, and she wants to dump him?
Mary: Respectable and rich. Let's not forget rich, that's the best part.
Stan: Respectable and rich do not the relationship make.
Mary: True.
Eleanor: Nice ass doesn't hurt. [everyone stares at her] Didn't mean to say that out loud, actually.

Peter: Look, before I got sober, my life was a series of self implosions. Every time I got within sight of something I really wanted, I'd throw a landmine in my own path to make sure I never achieved it. And I just think that you need someone to help you avoid your own landmines, to help you believe you deserve some of those things that you really want.
Brandi: Oh and you think you are one of those things that I really want, Mr. Conceited?
Peter: Why wouldn't I be? I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm quite a catch.

Duplicate Bridge [2.07][edit]

Mary: Is it me, or have we just been wrong all day long?

Eleanor: Why are all these files stapled shut?
Mary: Sorry, I couldn't help myself. It's the Fliegler, it's so damn powerful.
Marshall: She had the same problem with her gun when she first started.

Brandi: [Mary has asked Brandi to get a set of plans out of the backseat of her car that are underneath a model bridge. Brandi thinks Mary is joking about the bridge until she opens Mary's trunk] I'll be damned. It's a bridge.

Marshall: We build our house on these manifold truths: rough hewn and perfect, like the ashlars of Solomon's temple. He is to be condemned, but also deeply pitied. Wrong and injustice once done cannot be undone, but are eternal in their consequences. Without verity, there is no justice.

Marshall: Everyone has failures in life. Ultimately all of us fail. The aqueducts of Rome will fail! Who we are, the standards by which we are measured lies in our response to those failures. My dad used to tell me you don't fail until you quit.

Mary: [voiceover] People talk too much. People think too much. We're all village idiots, enamored with our shadows, oblivious to the setting sun.

A Frond In Need [2.08][edit]

Marshall: What?
Mary: MOU. Couple hundred pages. I'd really like to get out of here before the saints are with us.
Marshall: Sorry, it's just that sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie, too.
Mary: Really? Let me guess: Clueless. Jerk.
Marshall: Actually, I was going to say Taming of the Shrew.

Mary: [answers her phone] Hey, what's up?
Marshall: Where are you? You've got to get in here.
Mary: Why, what's the matter?
Marshall: Stan and Eleanor. You've got to see this.
Mary: Stan and Eleanor what? Are they fighting? [excitedly] Is she getting fired?
Marshall: No, but there's definitely something going on between them.
Mary: Really, gidget? Is she wearing his ring?
Marshall: Ridicule if you must, but I see what I see.
Mary: You see what you want to see. You've got to wonder what that would look like. Stan and Eleanor, doing it.
Marshall: Why do you always have to take it to an ugly place?
Mary: I'll bet she's an animal. It's always the prim ones.

Eleanor: Goodnight.
Marshall: Night!
Mary: Leaving so early? What? Hot date? Bend your man to your Mrs. Robinson, yearning to be schooled in the ways of love?
Eleanor: Don't I wish. Unfortunately, just me and the Tivo tonight.
Mary: Excellent, then you can help me with some research.
Eleanor: How did I not see that coming?

Dennis: I would make such a good friend... but the harder I try to make them like me, the more they...push me away.
Marshall: Believe me, I know...how hard it is not to chase after the things you want the most. But I learned when I was a kid if your dog runs away, don't chase after him. Run away from him, and he'll start chasing you.
Dennis: And that works with people?
Marshall: I...

Who's Bugging Mary? [2.09][edit]

Marshall: Mary, are you ready to go to lunch?
Mary: I thought you'd never ask.
Marshall: [to O'Connor] We'd invite you but...nah.

Mary: [to a listening device] Daddy, if this is you and you're listening: I don't need you anymore.

Miles to Go [2.10][edit]

[Mary on the phone talking about a witness]
Mary: Why weren't we told he had a son? Yeah and the Dog ate my homework. Listen numb-nuts I don't think you're seeing the big picture here. Your conviction relies on the testimony of a witness who lost his home, his friends, his job, and now thanks to your ineptitude, his son. But here's the part you should really be focusing on come trial time brings me ball punching distance to you...Yeah good idea. You look into it. [hangs up] Idiot.
[Stan hands Mary a Paper]
Mary: What's this?
Stan: While you were verbally spanking the future ex-governor of Illinois, I obtained a copy of the paperwork he sent to Ed's wife.
Mary: So there was paperwork filed.
Eleanor: Would you like me to get him on the phone so that you can apologize or just send a card?
Mary: No, let's go with the card this time. [to Stan] Hey, look no there's no signature. It never went through.
Stan: Oh, it happens sometimes, just have to track her down and get her sign it.
Eleanor: So cancel the card?
Mary: Yeah, think so.

Mary: So, let's see. The men involved in the car-theft ring you're supposed to testify against are all in jail awaiting trial, which is good. That said, they worked for an international operation that had contacts in Europe, Asia and South America. Not so good.
Ed Flint: How long am I going to be in witness protection?
Marshall: We're kind of like the mafia: once you're in, you're in. Except we don't kill you if you decide to leave.

[Mary has just taken a rancher's ATV and is searching for a witness]
Rancher: She better get back before night.
Stan: Why? What happens at night?
Rancher: It gets dark.

[Marshall and Mary have just caught Stan calling Eleanor "Hon"]
Eleanor: So what's the big deal? It's just a friendly salutation like, "Hey hon, can you bring me the forms we filed?"
Mary: Oh, I see. [to Marshall] Like when you call me "Snuggles," or when Stan refers to you as his "Butterscotch Stallion."

Mary: Does Miles have a favorite constellation?
Ed Flint: Yeah. Hercules.
Mary: Which one's that? I've never been able to see those things.
Ed Flint: Hercules is there. See it?
Mary: All I see is a random arrangement of dots light years apart. I tend to see things as they are. No magic or no shine.
Ed Flint: Do you like being that way?
Mary: Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not so good. My dad used to tell me we don't need magic as long as we've got — anyway. Sometimes I wish there was just a little magic.

Mary: So if Miles doesn't have a birth certificate...
Marshall: It can only mean one thing.
Mary: Miles is Amish.
[brief pause]
Marshall: ...or Miles doesn't exist.
Mary: Oh yeah. No, I see where you could get that too.
[Marshall nods slowly]

Marshall: Howdy.
Mary: You're still here?
Marshall: Yep.
Mary: I thought you'd be knee-deep in your third session with Dr. Finkel by now.
Marshall: Nope.
Mary: Come on, man. Don't make me fish.
Marshall: We were knee-deep in a double latte. She, regaling me with stories from her last year of growth and liberation.
Mary: And then?
Marshall: And then what's his name called.
Mary: The ex.
Marshall: Don. From what I could ascertain, he was crying.
Mary: Well... you still got me, Ringo.

Jailbait [2.11][edit]

[Eleanor has picked Marshall's hotel choice]
Mary: Why do you always side with him?
Eleanor: Because his decisions aren't predicated upon flapjack availability.
Mary: I'd say that is a weakness.

[Marshall and Mary are trying to break up a fight between Jesus (pronounced Hey-soose and Eric who is Olivia's boyfriend]
Mary: Hey! Hey! Jesus! Jesus!
Marshall: Or alternatively, Jesus. Jesus!

Mary: [discovers a goat boiling on the stove] Holy mother there's a dog in that pot! God help me it smells delicious!

Marshall: Engagement party?
Mary: Yeah, Raph's mother dropped by for a surprise visit. She thinks we're engaged.
Eleanor: Ah poor woman, must be wracked with grief.
Lawyer: Can you imagine seeing your mother being killed like that right in front of you?
Mary: [wistfully] Yeah.
Eleanor: Jesus Moreno is here.
Mary: Thanks, send him in.
Eleanor: Will do. Can I get you something to drink? Coffee, tea?
Lawyer: Coffee with cream would be great, thanks.
Eleanor: Coming right up. Mary?
Mary: What?
Eleanor: Would you like some coffee?
Mary: You're feeling guilty about that "wracked with grief" comment aren't you?
Eleanor: Little bit.
Mary: Don't go soft on me.

Mary: [on the phone] Raph pick up. I know you're there. Your mother's goat is still on my stove and that's not a sentence I ever wanna say again.

Marshall: If some guy bought you two $10,000 bags wouldn't you tell your best girl friend all about it?
Mary: C'mon Eleanor, man up.
Eleanor: Mary doesn't have a best girl friend.
Mary: Doesn't that feel better?

[DINNER ENGAGEMENT]

Josefina: The four days it takes to prepare this feast is... is symbolic of the love and commitment and hard work it takes for man and woman to become husband and wife, to make a marriage that blossoms into a family, which over time flourishes like a well-tended garden and continues for generation upon generation. Mary and mi Raphael... taking part in this sacred ritual is our purpose in this life. It is the most important thing we will ever do, and it's our one true joy.
Mary: Thank you, Josefina, for sharing that. Till now I wasn't really aware of the significance of all this. But now that I am aware, I can't imagine taking part under false pretenses.
Jinx: Mary.
Josefina: I don't understand.
Mary: Raphael and I are not engaged. We never were, and I don't know that we ever will be.
Raphael: Mama, I can explain.
Josefina: No, be quiet, Raphael. Let her speak.
Mary: Several months ago, Raphael proposed to me, and I said no. And he didn't want to tell you because he thought if you knew, you wouldn't like me. Sorry. Should never have let it go this far.
Raphael: Could you excuse us for a minute, please?
Jinx: Excuse us. Excuse us. Sorry, sorry. Josefina. I'm so sorry.
Raphael: How could you do that, after hearing how important this is for her?
Mary: How could I not? How could you let her put so much of herself into something that's a complete lie?
Raphael: Because she's been looking forward to it for a long time. And if it makes her happy to believe it for a little while, then what's the harm? Just because it's not important to you...
Mary: Not important? Is that what you think? Have you been listening at all?
Raphael: Yes.
Mary: I believe everything she said. Why do you think I threw that stupid ring in your face? I take all of this, these traditions, very seriously. So the notion of making a mockery out of them makes me angry. Check that, it makes me sad.
Raphael: Okay. You wanna be honest? Let's be honest. You threw the ring at my face because you're afraid of commitment. It doesn't take a genius to figure out. Your father abandoned you, so then you won't let anybody else ever hurt you like that again.
Mary: You know what? You're right. I never got over the hurt of my father leaving me, and I don't ever want to go through that again. But I am not afraid of commitment. It's just that with the possible exception of Marshall, I seem to be the only person on the planet who believes you honor your commitments no matter what. And that you don't break a promise because keeping it has become inconvenient. And you don't commit yourself to something as important as marriage because you got called up to the Majors.
Raphael: Well, you won't have to worry about that anymore.
Mary: Why? What are you talking about?
Raphael: I retired.
Mary: What?
Raphael: Yesterday.
Mary: What, you just woke up and decided to quit?
Raphael: No, no, no, not like that. I decided last year after I hurt my knee to give it six months and see how I come back. Then I hurt my hand, so I push it another three months. This decision has been almost a year in the making. Now it's time for me to get on to the next part of my life. And for the record, I bought the ring six months before I asked you to marry me. You are the most difficult woman in the world. But I've known for a long time that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Mary: It seems we have a communication problem.
Raphael: Yeah, so it seems.
Mary: Okay then. Stand up.
Raphael: What? What are you doing?
Mary: You think I don't know you carry the stupid thing around with you? Yes.

Training Video [2.12][edit]

[Marshall and Mary are mocking the tone of WITSEC training videos]
Marshall: Ed, Jen and Reggie, why I haven't seen them in years, Mary.
Mary: Now that you mention it, neither have I, Marshall. It's great to know they're still dispensing valuable advice to new trainees isn't it, Marshall?
Marshall: It sure is, Mary, it sure is.

[Mary is upset with the quality of the new WITSEC video she's been assigned to help with. The dialogue sucks and she's arguing with the director over why he needs to rewrite it]
Mary: Let's see. Maybe now that you've sobered up, you realize it's a piece of crap that will lead new inspectors to believe that their bosses are a bunch of out of touch morons and you'd hate to ruin the surprise.

Marshall: How does a civilian get clearance to shoot a video for a top secret government agency?
Barry Ness: The same as any other independent contractor: a long and tedious vetting process. You'd be amazed at some of the things I've been privy to, but as secretive as the CIA and the rest of them are, nobody's as tight-lipped as you people.
Mary: That's because we actually keep our secrets secret. The CIA clans have more leaks than a men's room at Oktoberfest.

Mary: [to Stan] You saddle me with this task, I swear I'll quit.
Eleanor: Sounds like a win/win to me, chief.
Mary: Everyone says I'm the mean one. I'm not. It's her.
Eleanor: You think I'm mean? [Mary shrugs] I'm not! I was just ... kidding. I thought that was our thing!
Mary: So disappointing. See, just when I thought you were ready to step up your game.
Eleanor: You really are the devil's minion.

Mary: [Watches Eleanor pour a cup of coffee] What's in that?
Eleanor: Coffee.
Mary: Yeah, right. [Pours it in a potted plant]
Marshall: She's got you spooked, doesn't she?
Mary: A little bit.
Marshall: It's fun to watch.

Eleanor: How'd the video shoot go?
Mary: Great. It was just a really long day.
Eleanor: Tom called. Stan knows you got kicked off the set.
Mary: Well, fine. It was the one time I actually didn't cross the line. Everything I said needed saying.
Eleanor: You know what your problem is? You've got integrity. The world hates integrity.
Mary: You're screwing with me, right?
Eleanor: Not this time.
Mary: You want a cookie?
Eleanor: Ooh, Snickerdoodle!

Let's Get it Ahn [2.13][edit]

Marshall: I'm not giving you the name of the first girl I had sex with.
Mary: Why? Is it because you're a virgin?
Marshall: No, because you'd track her down, call her up, and make her tell you all about it.
Mary: So? I told you mine!
Marshall: Neil Armstrong was not your first.
Mary: Technically, no, but who can ever remember that other guy's name?
Marshall: Do you care that Stan is two hours late for work and unreachable?
Mary: Of course I care! This is how I cope. Come on. You know I won't stop until I get what I want.
Marshall: Oh, God. Fine. Katinka Magnúsdóttir. Tenth grade foreign exchange student from Iceland.
Mary: Katinka?! Excellent!
Marshall: Tell her I said hi.
Mary: How do you spell Magnúsdóttir?
Marshall: The usual way.
Mary: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. There's like a thousand K. Magnúsdóttir's. I swear to God, if that's not her real name...

Mary: Hey, how do you know how I like my coffee?
Dershowitz: I'm a detective. It's my job to know things.
Mary: You're walking a fine line between cute and creepy, detective.

Mary: [hums while using the telephone]
Marshall: Save that number. It seems to make you happy.
Mary: Hold music. It's from a play I did in high school. I know, hard to believe. While most kids were experimenting with drugs, I was experimenting with musicals. Just as harmful.

Eleanor: [rescuing Marshall's finger] The hardest part is the knuckle. It's sort of like the baby's shoulders in the birthing process.
Mary: Ugh. You have any idea what that makes my ring!

Eleanor: How about a toast? [to Mary, at her office engagement party]
Marshall: Excellent idea. Okay. Here's to the best friend I've ever had. Could ever hope to have. A girl for whom no man will ever be good enough. I hope you know that I love you and I wish for you nothing but a lifetime of happiness.

Once a Ponzi Time [2.14][edit]

Marshall: And they say romance is dead. Ninety-year-old billionaire weds flight attendant, twenty-three. Gee, I wonder how they met?
Mary: In an airplane.
Marshall: [sarcastically] Did you read this already?
Mary: Think you'll ever get married?
Marshall: If the right flight attendant comes along, who knows.
Mary: If you ever did take that plunge, not that I'd wish that hell on any woman, think you'd tell the missus about the job?
Marshall: No.
Mary: That's it? No diffuse and flowery philosophical treatise with footnotes?
Marshall: Runs contrary to WITSEC regs.
Mary: Heaven forbid we run contrary.
Marshall: You're not thinking about --
Mary: [rummages through sauces on diner counter] Hot sauce. Gotta be looking right at it.
Marshall: You already told him.
Mary: Found it!
Marshall: Without consulting me?
Mary: You know, I was going to, and then I remembered it's none of your God damned business.
Marshall: Are you kidding?
Mary: [scoffs] I don't think so.
Marshall: By telling Raph what you do, you've told him what I do, and I wasn't quite ready to share that information with your future husband.
Mary: You're serious?

Marshall: Hey, look at this. The drugstore security camera is coming around.
Mary: [looks at video of a hooded man] Oh, good. The unabomber.
Marshall: That's what the clerk said.
Mary: I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he didn't pay with credit.
Marshall: Cash. Speaking of which.
Mary: What?
Marshall: Watch.
Mary: Brand new bills.
Marshall: If they're as new as they look, the Treasury could tell us what bank they came from based on serial numbers.
Mary: If they came from an ATM transaction, the bank can give us a name. God, don't you love big brother.

Marshall: Treasury tracked the bills to New Mexico Savings & Loan. They're pulling the ATM transaction now.
Dershowitz: You could have told me who owned the car.
Marshall: No, I couldn't. It's against the rules.
Dershowitz: What is wrong with you two?
Mary: We've been trying to get pregnant. The strain's getting to him.
Marshall: [fake laughs]
Dershowitz: This is why I don't have a partner.

Mary: Look, Phillip, I've been doing this a while, and I've seen people come into this program and fight like crazy to hang on to their old lives, and I've seen people who couldn't wait to be someone else just to throw away their past. But at the end of the day, you are who you are.
Marshall: A wise man once said, and the truth shall set you free.

Marshall: I know why you told Raphael your big secret: to paint yourself into a corner. Afraid you might back out from marrying him, you told him, so now you have to make it work.
Mary: Congratulations, Matlock. You've keenly observed that I'm somewhat relationship phobic, and yet the conclusion you've drawn couldn't be more off the mark. Marshall, I've spent my entire working life with career criminals: liars, thieves and sociopaths, each of whom knows what I do for a living. And I refuse to accept the notion that these miscreants are somehow more trustworthy than the man I'm going to marry.

Don't Cry for Me Albuquerque [2.15][edit]

Mary: Cheer up. Life sucks, we're all going to die, embrace it! [Notices Stan in a meeting with some people in their conference room] What's with the confab?
Marshall: Well, the bald one is Stan. Otherwise, not a clue.

Francesca: [shouting at her CIA contact in the witness room, as Mary, Marshall and Eleanor listen in] You're sadly mistaken if you think I'm going to sit on the sidelines watching my country's revolution on CNN, while you people install your whole, self serving puppet regime!
Mary: We still do that?
Marshall: Yeah. The sad thing is we don't even use real puppets anymore, just socks with buttons sewn on.

Marshall: It was a bad neighborhood; a bad situation from the get go. The witness should never have been allowed to move there. Mary should never have been put in that position: managing a witness over whom she had no authority!
Stan: I know; I know. I shouldn't have allowed it.
Marshall: I should have stayed; I saw what was going on there. It just -- didn't occur to me.
Stan: Why would it? It's Mary. She's like -- [sighs] I don't know.
Marshall: I know.
Stan: Fierce, you know? Like she's always gonna be the toughest dog in a fight.
Marshall: Boxers call it "the air of invincibility".
Stan: That's exactly it.
Marshall: All great fighters have it.
Stan: Yeah.
Marshall: Right up until the minute they're beaten. [dissolves into sobs again]

Day: Your inspector screwed the pooch. I gave her one job; that was it. One job! I'm telling you: when I get done with her --
Stan: [interrupts Day and manhandles him into empty room] Yeah, what are ya gonna do, huh? What are you gonna do? Huh? Go ahead, say it. Go ahead, say one more word. Say it. Open your mouth again, you moron! My inspector almost got killed! She may not make it because of your stupidity, because against our advice, you allowed that woman to move into the worst neighborhood in Albuquerque! I've already filed a complaint, asshole. Go ahead. Go ahead, please. Open your mouth again. I swear I'll bounce your head off every wall in this frickin hospital! Say it! Go ahead!

Gang Leader: I didn't do nothing. I didn't shoot your girl.
Marshall: Nobody here thinks you did.
Gang Leader: Then how come I'm still here? What d'you want?
Marshall: I wanna know -- what you dream about.
Gang Leader: Huh?
Marshall: I saw you on your porch, yesterday, running your crew, doing -- what I imagine you do pretty much every day and I was just curious: when you go to sleep at night, do you dream of other places? Doing something else? Or do you dream about sitting on your porch, running your crew?
Gang Leader: Huh? You need to get to the point.
Marshall: The point is: everybody here knows you're too smart to shoot a cop for no good reason, and that nothing happens on that street without your knowing about it.
Gang Leader: What's that gotta do with dreams?
Marshall: Well, this kind of thing is gonna be really bad for your business, and if there were some other place you dreamed of... or something you always wanted to be...
Gang Leader: What? You're gonna wave your magic wand and tomorrow I'm on a beach in Hawaii?
Marshall: No, but I have friends who make that sort of thing happen all the time. All we need from you is the right information. Would you like to be in Hawaii tomorrow? With a new name? Whole new life. I can have a US Attorney in here in five minutes making that happen. Just tell me who the shooter is, and how to find him.
Gang Leader: Sa es que, cabron? We're born where we're born. We is what we is, and that's that. I ain't going nowhere, and I ain't telling you nothing.