Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.
Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness!
Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.
Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her rear.
Rex: Is it possible?
Miles Massey: It's a challenge.
Gus Petch: You want tact, call a tactician! You want ass nailed, you call Gus Petch. Christ, you seem to be taking this pretty good. I have seen them come in here weeping like Baptists at a funeral, like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.
Marylin Rexroth: Don't get me wrong Mr.....
Gus Petch: Petch. Gus Petch.
Marylin Rexroth: Whilst I don't find this terribly entertaining, I'm delighted you found this material. This will be my passport to wealth, independence and freedom.
Gus Petch:[Amused] Sounds like to me, you gonna nail his ass.
Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
Wrigley: Hear, hear.
Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house-
Wrigley: Miles' house.
Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.
Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.
Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?
Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.
Mrs. Gutman: Sometimes there would be a gizmo.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: A gizmo?
Mrs. Gutman: He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: I see.
Mrs. Gutman: So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: Several months without the appliance.
Mrs. Gutman: Yes.
Wrigley: Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.
Nero's Waitress: What did you call me?
Wrigley: Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.
Nero's Waitress: You want a salad?
Wrigley: Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
Nero's Waitress: What the fuck color would it be?
Wrigley: Why are we eating here?
Nero's Waitress: What's his problem?
Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.
Nero's Waitress: And for you?
Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup?
Miles Massey: What the hell.
Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before?
Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.
Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before?
Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?
Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.
Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before?
Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before?
Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before.
Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before.
Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but...
Miles Massey: Look, don't argue.
Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm...
Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue.
Miles Massey: Counsel argues.
Wrigley: You appear.
Miles Massey: The judge sits.
Wrigley: Then you sit.
Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt.
Wrigley: And then we argue.
Miles Massey: The counsel argues.
Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before.
Miles Massey: Which we've done before.
Rex Rexroth: Ah.
Wrigley: But not before her.
[Judge Munson slams her gavel and everyone excepts Rex's sits down]
Wrigley: Rex, sit!
[The tape is being shown in court of Gus busting Rex cheating on Marylin. Watching it, she cries on cue and is comforted by Bender. However, Miles isn't fooled by this.]