Ivan Vasilievich Changes Profession

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Ivan Vasilievich Changes Profession is a 1973 Soviet comic 'unscience fiction' film about an ordinary Soviet building manager, living in the 20th century, whose neighbor builds a time machine that causes him to switch places with Ivan the Terrible.

Directed by Leonid Gaidai. Written by Vladlen Bakhnov and Leonid Gaidai, based on Ivan Vasilievich by Mikhail Bulgakov.

Aleksandr Timofeyev[edit]

  • If you were my wife, I'd hang myself.
  • Если бы вы были моей женой, я бы повесился.
  • What, have you been released from the madhouse yet?
  • Что, вас уже выпустили из сумасшедшего дома?

Zinaida Timofeyeva[edit]

  • I can imagine what will happen now! Just not a scandal. These scandals are so tiring. I got divorced three times. Well, yes, three. I don't count Zyuzin. And I've never been so worried.
  • Воображаю, что сейчас будет! Только бы не скандал. Они так утомляют, эти скандалы. Три раза я разводилась. Ну да, три. Зюзина я не считаю. И никогда так не волновалась.
  • However, this is strange. This is the first time in my life. They tell him that his wife is leaving him, and he says, “Well, well, well, well, well, well, well”! It's even kinda impolite.
  • Однако, это странно. Это первый раз в моей жизни. Ему сообщают, что жена от него уходит, а он — «Так-так-так-так-так-так-так»! Даже как-то невежливо.
  • However, I am amazed at your calmness. And if you know, Shurik, I’m even tempted to start a scandal.
  • Однако, я поражаюсь твоему спокойствию. И ты знаешь, Шурик, как-то даже вот… тянет устроить скандал.

Ivan the Terrible[edit]

  • (was able to get out of the elevator by signing the door with the Sign of the Cross) That's what the Life-giving Cross does!
    • Вот что крест животворящий делает! (quoted when found a simple way out of a difficulty)
  • Oh don't lie! Oh don't lie, thou art lying to the Tsar! Not by human desire, but by Divine will, I am Tsar!
Ой, не лги! Ой, не лги, царю лжешь! Не человечьим хотением, но божьим соизволением царь есмь!
  • Why didst thou hurt the boyarina, thou lowly man?!
Ты пошто боярыню обидел, смерд?!

Ivan Bunsha[edit]

  • I confess that, at least not of my own free will, but under the compulsion of Prince Miloslavsky, I was temporarily the acting Tsar.
    • Каюсь, что, хоть не по собственной воле, а по принуждению князя Милославского, временно являлся исполняющим обязанности царя.
  • Ulyana Andreevna, I reigned, but not cheated on you! They tempted me with the Tsarina, but I did not succumb! I swear!
    • Ульяна Андреевна, я царствовал, но вам не изменил! Меня царицей соблазняли, но не поддался я! Клянусь!

Ulyana Bunsha[edit]

  • (to Bunsha) And you will be cured! (to Ivan the Terrible) And you will be cured! And I will be cured! (Quoted in search of a way out of a stupid situation)
    • И тебя вылечат! И тебя вылечат! И меня вылечат!

Other charachters[edit]

  • The army has rebelled! They say the Tsar is not genuine![1]
    • Войско взбунтовалось! Говорят, царь ненастоящий!

George Miloslavsky[edit]

  • (having got into a richly furnished Shpak's apartment) Well, this time I successfully entered!
    • Это я удачно зашёл!
  • (finding a wad of cash) Citizens! Keep your money in a savings bank![2] if you have it, of course.
    • Граждане! Храните деньги в сберегательной кассе! Если, конечно, они у вас есть.
  • I've seen the wonders of technology... but this...!
    • Видел чудеса техники, но такого!..
  • (to Bunsha) Why are you looking at me like that, dear Sir? There are no patterns nor growing flowers on me.
    • А что вы на меня так смотрите, отец родной? На мне узоров нет и цветы не растут.
  • (apart) Well, he is looking. (to Bunsha) You will make a hole on me!
    • Вот смотрит. Вы на мне дыру протрёте!
  • (to Bunsha who tries call police) I said: han' up! Han' up!!! I smash you, you hat!
    • Ложи трубку, я тебе говорю! Положи трубку!!! Задавлю, шляпа!
  • I am an actor of Big and Small academic theaters. And my name... My name is too famous to be called!
    • Я артист больших и малых академических театров. А фамилия моя... Фамилия моя слишком известна, чтобы я еë называл!
  • (to Tsar-Bunsha) Dear autocrat, we are lost.
    • Дорогой самодержец, мы пропали.


(Timofeyev treats the Tsar with vodka)
Ivan the Terrible: Taste it from my cup.
Aleksander Timofeyev: Why?
Ivan the Terrible: Go on, taste it...
Aleksander Timofeyev: You think I want to poison you? We don't do that any more, and in our time, you'd sooner get poisoned with canned sprats, than vodka. Drink, and don't care.

Ivan the Terrible: I had a man like you. He made wings.
Aleksander Timofeyev: Well?
Ivan the Terrible: What do you mean, well? I put him on a gun-powder barrel. It made him fly! Ha-ha!

Miloslavsky: Oh, how they scream!
Bunsha: They can't scream, they've been dead for a long time.
[Arrows fly into the ward]
Miloslavsky: Have you seen how the dead guys shoot?
Voice behind the door: Open up, you dog!
Bunsha: And… who is he talking to?!
Miloslavsky: You.
Bunsha: Me?

Lieutenant: So tell me, who are you?
Ivan the Terrible: I am the Tsar.
Lieutenant: Nickname? Wait. Your surname?
Ivan the Terrible: We're the Ryuriks.
Lieutenant: First, second name?
Ivan the Terrible: Ivan Vassilyevich.
Lieutenant: Ivan... Date of birth?
Ivan the Terrible: 1533 A.D.
Lieutenant: Joking? Very funny. Residence?
Ivan the Terrible: My palace.[3]

Aleksander Timofeyev: What do you care about my relations with my wife? It's none of your business whether we're divorcing or not. That's our personal matter.
Ivan Bunsha: No, that's a public matter. Your divorces lower our indices.
Aleksander Timofeyev: What do you want from me?
Ivan Bunsha: Wait until the end of the quarter. Then you may divorce as much as you like.

Zinaida Timofeyeva: Listen to me, Karp, but, please, don't get excited. This is the real Ivan the Terrible! Do you remember I was telling you about the time machine? Well, Shurik did succeed with that experiment!
Karp Yakin: But he could have killed me!
Zinaida Timofeyeva: And would have done good!
Karp Yakin: It's crazy! What do you mean, Ivan the Terrible? He's been long dead!
Ivan the Terrible: Who's dead?
Karp Yakin: I didn't mean you. I mean the other one, the one who's been dead...

Anton Shpak: Oh, you're rehearsing, Zinaida Mikhailovna!
Zina: We're... are... rehearsing...
Karp Yakin: What rehear...? [in a whisper] Call the police...! [crawls to the door]
Ivan the Terrible: [stepping on him with his boot] Where to?
Karp Yakin: Eh... I'm here, I'm here...
Anton Shpak: You play so naturally! And the Tsar is so typical... He looks like our Bunsha.
Zina: Aha...!
Anton Shpak: Can you see, Zinaida Mikhailovna, I was robbed! The police with dog promised to come!
Ivan the Terrible: Whose will thou be?
Anton Shpak: Excuse me, mister actor, but what is... "whose"?
Ivan the Terrible: Whose slave, I ask!
Anton Shpak: Excuse me, I don't understand you!
Ivan the Terrible: Oh, a really stupid slave...
Anton Shpak: Excuse me, what are you - "slave, slave"?! What is this word?!
Zina: It's from the role, from the role! So, that's the role!
Anton Shpak: This is an abusive role! I beg you not to apply it to me! My God, what a house we have! Then they steal, then they call names, and we are also fighting for the honorary title of the house of high culture of everyday life! It's a horror! Horror!

Swedish ambassador: Der grosser Koenig des Schwedisches Koeningsreich sende mich, seien treuen Diener, zu ihnen... Tsar und Veliki Knaese... Ivan Vasilyevich... usa Russa!
Miloslavsky: [to Tsar-Bunsha] Foreign tourist speaks fine!
Bunsha: And what does he say, exactly what?
Miloslavsky: The dog knows! Feden'ka! We would need a translator.
Feofan: We had a German interpreter. He had to translate, but he was drunk as a lord. Well, we cooked him in boiling water.
Miloslavsky: You can't treat translators like that.
Swedish ambassador: ...schwedische Armee erobert hat...
Miloslavsky: [to Tsar-Bunsha] Answer something. You see, a man is tearing himself up.
Bunsha: Hitler kaput!
— Дер гроссер кёниг дес шведишес кёнигсрайх зенде мих, зайнен тройер динер, цу иннен... тсар унд фелики кнезе... Иван Васильевитш... уса Русса!
— Интурист хорошо говорит!..
— А что он говорит, конкретно что?
— А пёс его знает!.. Феденька! Надо бы переводчика.
— Был у нас толмач-немчин. Ему переводить, а он лыка не вяжет. Мы его в кипятке и сварили.
— Нельзя так с переводчиками обращаться.
— …шведише армее эроберт хат…
— Отвечай что-нибудь. Видишь, человек надрывается…
— Гитлер капут!

Swedish Ambassador: (in broken Russian) So what convey my king?
Miloslavsky: Convey thour king my fiery greetings. (shows)
Swedish Ambassador: And what about Kemska volost[4]? (The catchphrase means a problem that has required a solution for long time)
Miloslavsky: Such questions, dear ambassador, aren't solved out of hand. We need to consult with our comrades... Stop by in a week.
— Так что передать мой король?
— Передай твой король мой пламенный привет.
— А Кемска волост?
— Такие вопросы, дорогой посол, с кондачка не решаются. Нам надо посоветоваться с товарищами… Зайдите на недельке.


  1. Often quoted ironically when talking about forgery.
  2. An advertising phrase was very famous in the USSR.
  3. According to the script, the tsar was supposed to answer: “The Kremlin, Moscow”. But this line was changed for censorship reasons.
  4. District of Kem, historical region in North Russia, disputed territory between Sweden and Russia.

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