There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say, "There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say there are two kinds of people in the world, and the other kind," and there's who don't say. Well, then there's me.
If you have no Pipe I will give you one; if you do not, I will take it away from you.
[on capital punishment] Forgive them first... then kill them.
[when asked if he was interested in discovering what was behind the Veil of Illusion] HELL no! I'm interested in what's behind the veil of ORDINARY REALITY.
Pull off your pants and roll in your own mistakes.
In My Father's Midway Are Many Bumper Car Rides.
I choose to believe in an afterlife only because it is too horrible to believe that such a cool stud as myself could be allowed to disappear from the universe. [Diary entry, age 15]
There IS no God — but if you're any kind of real American, you'll demand that He treat you as an EQUAL.
I am the global village idiot!
If humor is based on the misfortune of others, then I suppose you might call me the greatest comedian of all time.
Don't forgive them, for they know exactly what they do.
The stupider it looks, the more important it probably is.