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I Love Turtles [1.1]
- Ethan: Hi, I'm Ethan Jarlewski. I work here in the jPod as the Gore Specialist. Basically I find new ways of inserting carnage and violence in video games while conforming to quality codes.
- Cowboy: Dude that's so boring. Talk about your love life.
- Ethan: I'm not talking about my love life. My favourite room temperature is... This is pretty good. Cowboy where are we at now?
- Cowboy: 21.7 degrees Celsius.
- Ethan: Make that 71 degrees Fahrenheit. I hate metric. I don't want to talk about it.
- Cowboy: Talk about your love life.
- Ethan: Okay, my love life. I've had my heart broken twice and lately I've been wondering if there is even such a thing as "The One" and that scares me. And that's enough of that. Happy, Cowboy! (gets up). So yeah Steve I'm here to serve your vision. We here at Jpod are a go get and bunch.
Ethan smiles and does a thumbs up while Bree walks out a door.
- Ethan: (whispering) Kill that Cowboy.
- Carol: Meet "The Dude." I named it after Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. Shaggy. Gruff. Loveable. And not for sale. It's the crowning glory of my genetic theories.
- Carol: Well finally, something wholesome! Honestly, Steven, we didn't raise him with restricted television privileges just so he could develop a disturbing interest in carnage.
- Cowboy: Alright, Steven Lefkowitz. Dude, check this out, this guys a hugger!
- John Doe: What?
- Cowboy: Look at this, he's on the board of a cuddling club.
- John Doe: Man, that is sick!
- Cowboy: I thought I recognized him...
- John Doe: What do you mean you recognized him?
- Cowboy: I ju-just knew I'd seen before...
- Steve: Gang, gang, gang, all this negative talk is killing my creative spark, so here's the deal. My son Connor loves turtles, therefore my first Neutronic Arts release will have a lovable shelled reptile on the cover.
Ethan is carrying Tim's body
- Ethan: Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick.
- Carol: C'mon Ethan you're the gore specialist.
- Ethan: Video games aren't real. This is a real live dead body.
- Carol: And you think I don't know that! He was under my eyes when he died. Well at least he isn't punctured or bleeding or anything.
- Ethan: Mom!
- Carol: Oh yes Ethan I know its horrible. I killed a man in that basement.
Ethan discovers Tim's body on the ground
- Ethan: Ugh, mom don't look.
- Carol: What is it.
- Ethan: Birds chewed out his eyeballs.
Ethan takes off his scarf and raps it around Tim's head
- Ethan: Mom, we can't just leave him out here as a smorgasbord for wild animals. We got to do what people do with dead bodies. We have to bury it.
- Carol: Well then lets hop to it.
- Ethan: But I'm getting a server upgrade.
- Carol: Ethan! If you were in this situation, I'd find a good place to bury you.
- Ethan: Gee, thanks.
A Fine Bro-Mance [1.2]
- One of the immigrants points at Ethan's lamp and talks excitedly in Chinese.
- Greg: He says that's his lamp.
- Ethan: I bought that on sale at Pottery Plantation!
- Immigrant continues in Chinese pointing at lamp.
- Greg: Uh, I mean he actually made it in his factory south of Beijing.
- Ethan: Greg's trafficking in humans, this doesn't bother you?
- Carol: Ethan, you're a grown man, don't be a nark, no one likes a nark.
- Jim: (whispering to Ethan) NARK!
- Ethan: I don't need your help Greg (takes Greg's cellphone) I'm going to call this "Kam Fong"
Ethan dials Kam Fong
- Kam Fong (voicemail): Kam Fong! I beep, you talk!
- Ethan: Hello this is Ethan, Greg's brother. Thank you for the furniture but I am still in my Ikea stage of life. I didn't ask for this, I don't need it, and I don't want it.
Ethan throws cell phone back at Greg
- Greg: Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!
Greg's cellphone rings
- Greg: Kam Fong! Alright I will tell him.
- Ethan: So is he coming for the refugees or the furniture.
- Greg: Or you. He hasn't decided yet.
- Kam Fong: And look, what do we have here? Its an expensive ceramic replica of a Tang dynasty dragon. Dozens of young children sacrificed an elementary education to work in factories so that you could enjoy the beauty and magnificence of my ancient culture. And yet, it leaves you cold?
Kam Fong drops the dragon on the ground, breaking it.
Emo-tion Capture [1.3]
Cowboy:Our family is a disaster.
Jenifer:What do you expect? Our parents killed themselves in a murder-suicide pact.
Cowboy:... that was the worst Christmas ever...
Feed The Need [1.4]
Crappy Birthday to You [1.4]
The Hero's Journey [1.6]
- Ethan: Crotches and hot coffee only mean one thing to me. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Ho's, blow and insane stunt bonuses.
- Bree: Hot coffee
- Ethan: Hot coffee
- Kaitlin: What are you guys talking about?
- Cowboy: Kaitlin, hot coffee is a euphemism for sex. It was a secret mini-game coded into the video game. Players with the right downloaded mod could have up to six girlfriend and basically plow the daylights out of them between crime sprees. And yes, fellatio was involved.
- John: Churly's hasn't given anything since their ill-fated 1992 drive-thru coffee giveaway. It came to a sudden end when a woman scorched her crotch with piping hot coffee.
- Cowboy: I think I'm going to die.
- John: If you could have one superpower, which one would you have? Ethan?
- Ethan: Mind reading
- Bree: That is so incredibly vanilla.
- John: Kaitlin?
- Kaitlin: I'd like to be able to tell when someone is lying.
- Bree: Really? That's what I'd want.
- Kaitlin: Because then you'd know when a guy was lying to you?
- Bree: Why else? Men can be so secretive.
- Bree: Ding. It's 5 pm. Robot employees leave at 5 pm.
The Last Shot [1.8]
- Kam Fong: May I offer my limo for those are too imbevrulated to drive?
- Raises Jim's shirt to her nose
- Carol: If only our love were this springtime fresh...and free of static cling.
- Greg: So, you're here, I'm here, what was your third wish?
- Bree: Excuse me?
- Greg: You know, genie. Rubbing the lantern. Of course you could just rub me if you wanted that third wish to come true.
- Carol: My father always used to say there is two things a man should keep clean. His gun and his conscience. Course I'd add underwear and bed clothes to that list. And teeth. Teeth are very important.
- John: So... ladies first.
- Bree: Oh, such chivalry. And, uh, I'm glad to know that you think ladies should...come... first.
- John: Everyone thinks I'm a pacifist cause I grew up on a commune. That place was armed like a bunker.
- Bree: Really?
- John: My teen years resembled life with David Koresh and the Branch Davidians.
Fine China [1.9]
The Betty and Veronica Syndrome [1.10]
Senseless Prom Death [1.11]
Steve leaves [1.12]
Colony Collapse Disorder [1.13]
- Kam Fong: Jim, I regret to inform you that I have failed. I hang my head in shame.
- Jim: Oh Kam, well you're a good buddy, at least you tried.
- Kam Fong: That is it Jim, I did not try, Carol needs time for Carol. No kidnapping, no re-education, just the warmth and kindness of her wonderful new friends.
- Jim: Kam if I didn't know you better I'd say you were a lesbian.
- Kam Fong: Sighs in our own way aren't we all lesbians?
Main cast and characters
- Emilie Ullerup - Kaitlin Joyce
- Ben Ayres - Cancer Cowboy (real name Casper Jesperson)
- Steph Song - Bree Jyang
- Torrance Coombs - John Doe
- Colin Cunningham - Steve Lefkowitz
- Sherry Miller - Carol Jarlewski
- Peter Benson - Greg Jarlewski
- Alan Thicke -Jim Jarlewski
- Raugi Yu - Kam Fong