Jackie Chan Adventures

Jackie Chan Adventures (2000-2005) is an American of The Walt Disney Company animated children's Kids' WB series that focuses on the fictional adventures of Jackie Chan, an archaeologist, martial arts expert, and secret agent who pursues evil forces in their race to acquire magical world-threatening artifacts.

Season 1

The Dark Hand [1.1]

Jackie Chan: Bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, BAD DAY!

Jackie: What is it, Uncle?

Uncle Chan: Come, give Uncle a hug. [Jackie approaches Uncle with open arms, only to be cuffed by him.]

Jackie: Ow!

Uncle: You did not make coffee this morning. Coffee is the only thing that is keeping Uncle’s ancient heart beating. You want dead Uncle?! No? Then you make coffee!

Uncle: One more thing. You receive phone call from the university. They want you to translate parchments.

Jackie: Okay.

Uncle: One more thing. I cannot read these inscriptions. Very old writing. I must go in back to get my journals.

Jackie: Okay.

Uncle: One more thing. This is Jade, your niece. She will live with you for a year, okay?

Jackie: Okay. [shocked] I have a niece?!

[After learning that Jade will live with him and Uncle for a year.]

Jackie: Nobody asked me!

Uncle: Did not want to bother you. Now, you both get acquainted while I go do work.

Jackie: But I don’t know anything about children! [Uncle leaves, leaving him alone with Jade] Uh, hello, I am Jackie. [Jade remains silent, staring at him.] Hmm, no English. [speaking in Chinese.] Ni hao ma? [translates to "How are you?"]

[The Dark Hand Enforcers enter Uncle's shop.]

Jackie: Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds! How can I help you?

Finn: You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist?

Jackie: Heh, I dabble in the study of past civilizations.

Finn: Well, we are aware that you recently "dabbled" a shield from a Bavarian castle. Our extremely wealthy employer is interested in purchasing that shield.

[Jackie eyes the thugs suspiciously.]

Jackie: I’m sorry, I already donated that piece to the university.

Finn: Really?

[The Dark Hand thugs try to break some antique vases as a threat, but Jackie stops them.]

It would be in your family’s best interests to undonate the shield, Mr. Chan. By this time tomorrow.

[After the Dark Hand Enforcers leave the shop.]

Uncle: Did they buy anything?

Jackie: No.

Uncle: You are terrible salesman!

Uncle: Where am I going to hide a big shield? It... where did I put it?

[Jackie falls onto the hood of the Dark Hand's limousine.]

Jackie: Heh, that will buff right out!

[Jackie wakes up after being knocked unconscious following his fight with the Dark Hand Enforcers.]

Jackie: Augustus Black! What are you doing here? Ow, what am I doing here?

Captain Augustus Black: I’m afraid it’s official business my friend.

Jackie: I didn’t think these were your pack-up singers. Where have you been? I don’t hear from you for six years... Boom! You’re in San Francisco saving my butt. Oh, those thugs must've knocked me out.

Captain Black: Actually, I knocked you out.

Captain Black: Tried to warn you.

Jackie: How did you get down here?

Captain Black: The stairs.

Valmont: You are telling me one man stopped you?

Finn: Uh, yes, but-

Valmont: Three of my enforcers armed with high-tech weapons were defeated by an... archaeologist?

Finn: Did we mention he had windshield wipers?

[Jade comes riding toward Jackie and Captain Black on a scooter.]

Jade Chan: Jackie!

Captain Black: Who is that?!

Jackie: No relation.

Captain Black: Young lady, how did you get in here?

Jade: The stairs.

Jackie: Jade, these people are my friends.

Jade: Your "friends" knocked you out and took you to a super secret underground base?

Jackie: Uh, yes.

Jade: America is so cool!

Captain Black: Care to explain how our security was penetrated by a child?

Jade: I’m not a child! I’m Jackie’s niece.

Captain Black: Didn’t know you had a niece, Jackie.

Jackie: Join the club.

Jade: Hi!

Jackie: Wha- how did you-?

Jade: The stairs.

Jackie: Well, take these stairs to your room!

Jade: Aw, let me help! Uncle is my uncle too! ...I think.

Jade: Uncle’s up there, huh?

Jackie: You speak English?

Jade: You know I do!

Jackie: So what part of “Go to your room” do you not understand?

Jade: Aw...

Jackie: Stay here, or I’ll put you on the first flight back to Hong Kong.

Jade: Scout’s honor! [Jackie leaves to confront Tohru.] Tch, like I’m a scout?

Captain Black: Jackie, I never meant for your family to get involved in this.

Jackie: It’s not your fault. The Dark Hand was after the shield. [Uncle cuffs him.]

Uncle: I told you! Shield not important! The talisman in the center of the shield is. That is where the magic lies.

The Power Within [1.2]

[Shendu expresses his anger to Valmont with the Dark Hand's failure to acquire the Rooster Talisman.]

Ratso: Why is the boss taking gut from a statue?

Finn: ‘Cause it talks.

[After Jade tries to practice martial arts in the restaurant.]

Jade: I was just trying to getting you to teach me, Jackie.

Jackie: The wise seek power within themselves. The foolish seek it within others. Until you harness the power within yourself, I cannot teach you.

Jade: Huh?

Jackie: It means you must have the discipline to behave yourself. Now eat your food.

[Jade opens a fortune cookie and reads it.]

Jade: "Danger looms in your future."

Uncle: We must be very cautious.

Jackie: [skeptical] You listen to a cookie?

[The Dark Hand's Enforcers enter the restaurant and approach the table.]

Finn: Evening, Chan.

Uncle: Never mock the cookie.

[After the Enforcers unsuccessfully try to steal the Rooster Talisman.]

Finn: Mr. Valmont, sir. It didn't go quite as planned.

Valmont: Regale me.

Finn: [lying] Well, we stomped Chan-

Ratso: -Stomped him good!

Finn: But we didn't see any talisman.

Valmont: You will be punished.

[While being pursued by Shadowkhan.]

Jade: Aren't you gonna womp em'?

Jackie: Ancient proverb: Do not fight when you can run!

[Jackie and Jade defeat the Shadowkhan who were chasing them.]

Jackie: I don't understand why they were after-

Jade: Jackie, the coolest thing ever happened; I went and ran off the bridge but I didn't fall; I stopped in mid-air and then I ran back just like in cartoons! [dumbfounded] ...I can fly!

Jackie: Jade, enough fooling around.

Jade: Fooling around?! I just saved your butt.

Jackie: Language, Jade. The Dark Hand is after you and I want to know why...

[Jackie and Jade are captured by the Dark Hand.]

Jade: Hello?! Let me outta here! I mean it! Just wait 'til the "Jackinator" comes to. You guys are gonna get so creamed!

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Jackinator?

Tohru: I hate fish.

Tohru: Why did you growl?

Jackie: Don't eat like a baboon. You should chew your food.

Jade: Hello?! Chew soup?!

Jackie: Help me out here.

Uncle: She's your niece.

Jade: Why fly when you can run?

Jackie': You're learning.

Jade: And when you can't run?

Jackie: Don't watch.

Jade: Cha. Like I'm not gonna watch.

Jackie: Stop helping! Stop helping!

Jade: Heh. Sorry.

Tohru: (Angry grunt)

Jade: No!!!!!

The Mask of El Toro Fuerte [1.3]

[After observing Jackie enter the Aztec pyramid.]

Finn: He's in the pyramid. Let's move.

Novice Bad Guy: Uh, don't pyramids have mummies inside them, sir?

Finn: Only in Egypt.

Novice Bad Guy: Why don't we just let Chan find the talisman? Just take it from him when he climbs out.

Finn: Listen new guy. We don't know what power this ox talisman has. Chan might come busting out of there 50 feet tall with laser eyes.

Novice Bad Guy: [scared] I don't wanna fight giant laser eyes! Everyone after him! Now, now, now!

[After Jade tries to sign up Jackie for a wrestling match with El Toro Fuerte.]

Jade: Gracias, amigo. Anyway, I told this boy that you were the best wrestler in the world. You have to prove it!

Jackie: Jade, one should not fight for the sake of fighting, but only when one has no other choice.

Jade: Makes sense. When you get in the ring and this El Toro guy starts wailing on you, you'll have no other choice.

Jackie: Uh... you have an interesting mind, young Jade.

Jade: Jackie! You have nothing better to do tonight!

Jackie: Oh?! I don't... How about, "Search for the Ox talisman?"

Jade: But you said it yourself. You can be a million miles away.

[The Dark Hand enforcers notice Jackie at the wrestling match.]

Finn: Hmm, didn't take Chan as a sports fan.

Ratso: What sport? Wrestling's fake, everybody knows that.

Finn: El Toro, meet Tohru. Tohru, Toro. Toro, Tohru. Tohru-

Tohru: [annoyed, pushing Finn away] The mask!

El Toro Fuerte: El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask!

Tohru: Then I will remove it for you!

Jackie: Why are you here?! You're supposed to be back at the hotel doing your homework.

Jade: Lucky for you, I raced through. Tohru was gonna bust you like a piñata.

Jackie: Thank you. But don't finish your homework early again. It's too dangerous.

Enter the Viper [1.4]

[Jackie accidentally bumps into a cloaked figure at the museum.]

Jackie: Oh, I'm so sorry! I broke your spy camera. [pauses] Spy camera?

Ratso: Chan!

Jackie: You! Uh... Dark Hand guy!

Jackie: The magic! [gathering items]

Jade: So, whatcha gonna do? Sneak into the museum before the bad guys do and steal the talisman yourself?

Jackie: Steal?! What?! That's crazy, Jade! You're crazy!

Jade: You totally are gonna steal it!

Jade: [whispers] You got in! You are so cool!

Jackie: [whispers] I am not cool! I'm breaking the law!

Jade: Uh-huh.

Jade: Wow! She rules!

Jackie: Wha- ?

Jade: Uh, I mean, go Jackie.

Jade: Wow! When I grow up, I wanna be just like her!

Jackie: A criminal?!

Jade: A female Jackie Chan!

Jackie: You are under arrest!

Viper: You do realize we both go to jail, right?

Jackie: I am not a crook! I am an archaeologist!

[Jackie accidentally knocks over a vase and breaks it, sounding the alarm.]

Jade and Viper: Way to go.

[Jackie calls Uncle from prison.]

Uncle: Jackie, why did you steal the Pink Puma? There is no puma in the Chinese zodiac. It has NO magic!

Jackie: I know Uncle, it's... complicated.

Uncle: One more thing. You are a criminal! You are a very bad influence on Jade!

Jackie: I know, but- that's why I need you to take the next flight here and-

Uncle: One more thing... oh, wait I am getting another call.

Jackie: No, no, no! Uncle, you don't know how to do that! I am only allowed one phone call-!

[Uncle clicks the line]

Uncle: Hello, Uncle's Rare Finds. May I help you? [line clicks] Hmm?

Ratso: [visiting Jackie in prison] Hey, bro.

Jackie: What do you want?

Ratso: What rock...is the legless reptile under?

Jackie: What?

Ratso: Tell me where the serpent, sleeps.

Jackie: What are you talking about?

Ratso: WHERE'S THE SNAKE TALISMAN?!

Jackie: Don't you read the newspaper? I took the Pink Puma.

[Ratso checks the Talisman tracker which is not lighting up]

Jackie: See? No Talisman. Like the gizmo says. Now if you'll excuse me, my delicious prison food is getting cold.

[After Viper pulls a "viper" on Jade for the snake talisman.]

Jade: Viper... pulled a viper... on me?!

Jackie: Old proverb: There is no honor among thieves.

Jackie: I'm sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!

Police: Freeze!

Jackie: It's okay! [shows Pink Puma] I have it! It's yours! [Jackie hands over the Pink Puma to the police.]

Police Officer: Real good. Now, tell us what you did with the Statue of Liberty.

[Jackie and Jade look back to the Statue which has disappeared due to the Snake Talisman's power, Jackie and Jade shrug]

Project A, for Astral [1.5]

[as soon as Jackie uncovers the Sheep Talisman]

Jackie: Jackie had a little lamb. [turns around as Shadowkhan appear, he stuffs the talisman in his pocket] It's not here! Can you believe it?

[after Jackie cheats death by escaping a Train which just fell off the tracks and into a gorge]

Ratso: No way he's human.

Shendu: Chan possesses yet another Talisman, while I have none?! You are weak, Valmont! And your men are fools!

Finn: That's it! I ain't taking no more lip from a statue! [proceeds to pull out a handgun]

Shendu: I am no statue! You stand in the presence of a Demon Sorcerer! I once held dominion over a vast empire, but my subjects betrayed me. They cast a Chi spell which imprisoned me in this pitiful icon, where I have remained for 900 years! The twelve magic Talismans, from which I drew my power, were scattered to the winds.

Ratso: Whoa.

Finn: You got jacked.

Shendu: Acquisition of all the Talismans, will allow me to be free of my confinement, and walk the Earth once again.

Valmont: At which point we will be rewarded the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. Well worth taking a little lip, don't you think?

Uncle: One more thing! Stay awake! You break many antiques when you sleepwalk!

Jackie: [yawning] I don't sleepwalk.

Uncle: So you break my antiques for fun?!

Melvin Moose: Uh... Smile for the camera!

Shendu: [in possession of Jade's body] Soon I shall devour your soul!

Melvin Moose: [gasp]

Jackie: [running towards Captain Black and Jade, who is still possessed] Captain Black, get away from her!

Captain Black: Whoa there, Jackie!

Shendu: [in possession of Jade's body] Grr!

Jackie: She's not really Jade! The Talisman's magic has turned her into a sheep! [stuttering] Uh, no, I mean- Look, I'll prove it. [looks around, grabs the Melvin Moose mascot] What's the moose's name?! The name!

Shendu: [in possession of Jade's body] Grr!

Jade (Astral): Give you a hint, it's another word for wedgie.

Jackie: You can't name it, can you?! You're evil! YOU'RE EVIL!

Jade (Astral): Boo! [waves hand at Jackie] Hello? Can't you guys see me? No? [flies behind Jackie] Then I guess you won't mind if I... touch your guts! [Laughing] Melvin World can't touch this! Woo-hoo!

Jade (Astral): Ew, quit picking your nose!

Shell Game [1.6]

Jackie: [Takes a deep breath] Breathe deeply. The breath flows to the finger tips, then down to the toes...

Jade: Then the toes goes up...The bad guys's nose! Hyah! [Jade high kicks and punches while Jackie just stares at her] What? He was asking for it.

Jackie: Discipline, Jade.

Jade: But I want to be a lean, mean Jackie Chan machine!

Jackie: Don't be in such of a hurry! Slow and steady wins the race.

Jade: Chinese proverbs, right?

Jackie: Greek, actually. The story of "The Tortoise and the Hare". Once upon a- Where are you going?

Jade: Breakfast. Race ya!

Jade: ...so there I was, flying the plane, all by myself, no co-pilot. And Jackie's hanging out the back, flopping around with no parachute or anything!

Drew: Yeah, right. I bet the Snake Lady was there too.

Jade: Viper? No, that was in New York.

Valmont: You know, Shendu, these Talisman expeditions, let's just say are raking up some hefty out of pocket expenses. And as of yet, there's nothing coming back into my pocket!

Shendu: When and only when your men acquire all twelve Talismans, the lost Treasure of Ching Xi Hung shall cover your...expenses...ten thousand times over.

Valmont: The reputed lost treasure.

Shendu: Ah, so we have a skeptic.

[a Shadowkhan appears holding a golden goblet, covered with a lid, which he lifts revealing gold and jewels, astonishing Valmont]

Shendu: Patience, Valmont. Slow and steady wins the race.

[Jackie tricks Jade into getting in a Taxi with Uncle]

Uncle: So how was school?

Jade: [in a bad mood] Peachy.

Uncle: Ah, peachy! One more thing. Did Jackie Find the Rabbit Talisman?

Jade: [voice becomes raspy] I am not Jade. I am Paigon the Powerful, ruler of the Rabbit Realm.

[Uncle gasps in terror]

Jade: I must fulfill my destiny or the universe itself will be UN-MADE! RELEASE ME AT ONCE!

[taxi stops and Jade gets out]

Jade: [coughing] Man, that's rough on the throat.

Karl Nivor: Gentlemen.

Finn: Are you...Karl....Kniver?

Nivor: Nivor. Dr. Karl Nivor, in the flesh.

[out of sight]

Jade: Who's this Nivor guy?

Jackie: SHH!

Nivor: And this fellow must be the merchandise of which my friend Valmont spoke. Mmmm, yes. You're a fine specimen, aren't you? Aren't you?

Tohru: [annoyed] THE MONEY.

Nivor: [sigh] Borris. [a chef appears holding a briefcase of money] Pay the man. [Tohru accepts the briefcase] Care to join me for dinner?

Tohru: Thank you. No.

Nivor: [licking his fingers] But we're having, quite the delicacy. A dish so rare, you might say it's endangered. Turtle soup.

[out of sight]

Jade: Ew! He's gonna eat Aesop?! [gasp] He's gonna eat Aesop...

Nivor: Are you sure? Hmm?

Tohru: Y-yeesss...we uh...uh...ummm [clears throat] I must deliver this to Valmont. [holding the Rabbit Talisman]

Nivor: Well, the sooner you find a forklift, the sooner I may lift a fork...to my lips.

Ratso: Uncle!

Jackie: [looking around] Where?

Jackie: Careful! That one, uh...turns you into a chocolate bunny!

Nivor: Borris, that brazed manatee you prepared last week was absolutely exquisite, and the grilled American condor on a bit of fava bean [puckering sounds] to die for. Don't forget the carrots.

Jade: Release Aesop, you tortoise-eating creep!

Nivor: [chuckling] Such a delightful child. She'll go well with a nice Bearnaise sauce, wouldn't you say, Borris?

Jade: WHAT?!

Nivor: Only joking, princess. Children are much too common for my sophisticated palette.

Jade: Whoa. How'd you get from there to here so fast?

Jackie: [shows Jade the Rabbit Talisman] And now we'll save the tortoise. See? Slow and steady, wins the race.

Jade: But you have super, rabbit speed! I'm getting mixed messages here!

Jackie: Oh-er-uh. Don't be smart!

Shendu: Valmont, your men are supposed to acquire Talismans! Not sell pets!

Valmont: Perhaps if you'd given fair consideration to the advance I requested, none of this would have-

[Shendu in a fury shoots fire at both Valmont and Tohru]

Tohru: WHOA! I did not know he could do that!

Drew: Come on! A turbo-turtle?

Jade: Faster than a speeding rabbit.

Drew: No way!

Jade: Way!

Drew: Yeah, right. I bet that super strong Ox guy was there too!

Jade: El Toro? Nah, that was in Mexico, when I was flying the plane!

Bullies [1.7]

Shendu: Valmont? Where is the Dragon talisman?

Valmont: My men are on it.

Shendu: Your men could not find their own shadows, and your incompetence continues to stupefy me.

Valmont: Oh? I'll stupefy you- [the Shadowkhan appear around him]

Shendu: Temper, Valmont...

Valmont: The arrogance of that over-sized lawn ornament.

Finn: Valmont! Check it out! [holding up the Dragon Talisman]

Valmont: You actually did your job? Imagine!

Finn: You're not stoked?

Valmont: [angrily] I'm absolutely giddy! [hurls the Dragon talisman into the wall, which activates the power, blasting a hole in the ceiling]

Valmont: [infusing the Dragon Talisman to his hand] Puff, the Magic Dragon...

Ms. Hartman: Mr. Chan, this is not the first time we've had a problem with Jade. Swinging from gym lamps, stealth walking with ladders, scaling the building with the fire hose...

Uncle: Just like Jackie! He reminds me of a chimpanzee!

Jackie: Uncle!

Ms. Hartman: Now I don't know where Jade learned to fight...

Uncle: From Jackie! He's a good teacher!

Jackie: Uncle, shhhh! Ms. Hartman, I assure you, the martial arts are meant to discipline Jade, not teach her to-

Ms. Hartman: Martial arts? Like karate?

Uncle: Kung-fu! Best self defense! Whole body becomes a secret weapon!

Finn: Valmont, you are da bomb! Pun totally intended.

Ratso: Hey, ain't ole dragon breath gonna start wondering where his rock is?

Valmont: Pity. It's doing wonders for our cash flow.

Finn: One more heist, Big V?

Valmont: One for the history books.

[after catching Jackie]

Valmont: Jackie Chan! Finally, we meet. [holding up the Dragon Talisman] It was nice knowing you.

Valmont: You really go for the gold, Mr. Chan. Fool's gold.

Jackie: You know, Valmont? I was wondering, what is one of these worth? An all expenses paid trip to Melvin World? [tosses a gold brick into the water]

Valmont: You'll pay for that!

[Jackie begins throwing dozens of gold bricks into the water]

Jackie: What about these? A new Ferrari?

Valmont: Chan!

Jackie: A summer home? Your own private island to build it on? A robot butler for that home?

Valmont: ARGH! [blasts his ship in half] Blast.

Valmont: Shendu, I beg your forgiveness.

Shendu: You may earn it. Rumor tells of a talisman hidden at the North Pole. Dress warmly...

Jade: I make such a good Jackie.

Tough Break [1.8]

Auctioneer: The next item up for auction, is a Porcelain lamp featuring, well, an unusual rat motif. What are my bid for this piece?

Jackie: One hundred dollars!

Auctioneer: Do I hear one-fifty?

Tohru: [entering the room] Two hundred!

Auctioneer: Smashing! Do I hear-

Jackie: Two-fifty!

Tohru: Three hundred!

Jackie: Three-fifty!

Tohru: Four!

Jackie: Five hundred!

[Auctioneer looks on in bewilderment]

Tohru: Six!

Jackie: Seven!

Tohru: Eight!

Jackie: Nine!

Tohru: One thousand!

Jackie: [hesitant] Two....thousand!

[Auctioneer's monocle falls out in astonishment]

[Ratso and Finn are giving money to Tohru]

Finn: This is all we got Tohru.

Ratso; Think they take nunchuks?

Jade: Another train wreck, Jackie?

Jackie: [looking at Jade's messy room] I was going to ask the same thing. Do baboons live here?

Uncle: Run down the side of an exploding building, no problem. But step on a child's toy, break your leg. Sounds like Chinese proverb.

Shendu: The Rat Talisman is the key to my freedom, Valmont. It will reanimate me to flesh and bone.

Ratso: You mean, you get back all your dragon power and stuff?

Valmont: No, Shendu will still require the other Talismans, and our continued assistance for that.

Shendu: Judging by experience, I will remain in this petrified form forever. And you will never lay your eyes on the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung!

[after Jackie is attacked by Gnomekop; reanimated by the Rat Talisman]

Jackie: That toy should be taken off the market.

Jade: I tried to tell you, he's not just a toy anymore. He's alive! ALIVE!

Jackie: Stay back, Jade.

Jade: No, Jackie. You have a broken leg and Gnomekop is my responsibility.

The Rock [1.9]

Finn: Big V, d-d'you think you c-could turn up the h-heat?

Shendu: Allow me.

[Shendu breathes fire at them]

Finn: That's plenty!

Ratso: Much o-obliged.

Valmont: Careful, Shendu. If you charbroil the help, they'll never find the next talisman.

Shendu: The next talisman is insufficient, Valmont. I need all twelve to shed this petrified form, and regain my true powers.

Valmont: We are working on it, Shendu.

Shendu: With your customary ineptitude, once again, this Chan has snatched a talisman from your so-called professionals...

Ratso: Too bad Chan ain't working for us!

Valmont: Perhaps he can be persuaded...

Jackie: It's not polite to hack into security systems that don't belong to you!

Jade: I saw a '7'!

Uncle: I have translated the inscription on the back of the talisman! A very perplexing riddle...

Jackie: 'If activated, the noble Horse expels all alien forces within'.

Jade: I bet those 'alien forces' fly out and latch out onto human brains and turn people into mind-control zombies to conquer the world!

[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]

Jade: Uh, alien forces signal the Mother Ship to launch an invasion?

[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]

Jade: This... isn't the Martian talisman?

Uncle: There is no such thing as Martians! The talismans are magic!

[Jackie Chan sees a Talisman in one of the eyes of Mt. Rushmore]

Jackie: Ah, what big eyes, you have. Don't blink Mr. President. [reaches inand gets the talisman, only to reveal it is the Snake Talisman] The Snake Talisman? We already got that one.

[the counterfit Talisman opens up and injects Jackie with the poison, causing Jackie to drop it below; a weakened Jackie climbs back up only to be greeted by Valmont] Valmont!

Valmont: [lifts Jackie up] Upsie-daisy! [Jackie assumes a fighting stance, revealing his wound] Ah, snake bite! Could be fatal.

Jackie: You bring me all the way out here to poison me?

Valmont: A rather appropriate lure, since the venom, now rushing through your veins, will soon turn you to stone.

Uncle: Swallow.

[He hands Jackie a round object which he swallows, only to retch in disgust]

Jade: That's the antidote?

Uncle: No. Fermented beetle larva. Is good protein.

Jackie: What? What is it?

Uncle: Nothing. Don't look in the mirror.

Jackie: Aah!

Uncle: I told you not to look in the mirror!

Jackie: I'm a lizard! I will become a stone lizard!

Uncle: I have a new antidote. This may sting. [sprays Jackie with antidote, which immediately combusts upon leaving the sprayer, blasting Jackie through the wall]

Tohru: [checks all talismans in the bag] One is missing!

Jade: No way! I cleaned out the vault! [gasp] I forgot the horse one at Uncle's! Um, if you give me the antidote, I really for sure promise to get you the other one. Scout's honor?

Finn: Tch. Like she's a scout. [Tohru drops the antidote]

Jade: No! [vial containing the antidote shatters] Why?!

Tohru: [sneezes] Because Chan makes me sick!

Jade: Jackie...

Jackie: Don't worry, Jade. Uncle will come through.

Jade: ...We don't need your stinking antidote!

[after catching the talisman]

Jackie: The Dark Hand... will... never... have all... twelve! [turns to stone]

Jade: Jackie!

Ratso: A dollar says his hand will snap right off!

Finn, Chow: Deal!

Tohru: My cold is gone! Like magic!

Uncle: 'The noble horse expels all alien forces within'...

Jade: The riddle! It doesn't mean aliens within the talisman, it means aliens within the sick person holding the talisman!

Uncle: The Horse is the healing talisman!

Jade: Think it only works on colds?

Jade: That ought to keep him. Unless it's the sprout wings and fly talisman.

The Jade Monkey [1.10]

Drew: Hey Jade, is your Uncle Jackie gonna wow the class about... [chuckles] the secret agent business?

Jade: You bet, Drew. And the truth is gonna blow your mind.

Drew: Oh, you mean the truth about ninjas, magic talismans, that four hundred pound giant named Tofu?

Jade: His name is...[Tohru suddenly burts through the wall] ...Tohru. [Ratso and Finn follow Tohru holding a bound and gagged Jackie and Uncle] Jackie! Uncle!

Tohru: Jade, hand over the talismans.

Finn: Or we chop down your family tree.

Jade: You guys are the ones going down. [kicks Finn] Hyah! Hyah! [punches Ratso, Tohru charges her and is kicked to the floor] Hyah!

Drew: I'm sorry I doubted you, Jade!

Ms. Hartman:: No homework for the rest of the year! [the kids cheer wildly]

Ms. Hartman: Jade! Jade! Jade!

[Jade wakes up]

Ms. Hartman: If you're through daydreaming, could you tell us the capital of Italy?

Jade: Uh...Pizza? Heh, heh.

[Jackie is narrating a boring speech about archaeology to Jade's class]

Drew: [To Jade] So much for "Secret Agent" man.

[Jade raises her hand]

Jackie: Uh, question?

Jade: Jackie, tell us about the time you whooped a bunch of Shadowkhan on the roller coaster at Melvin World!

Jackie: That's a bit off topic, Jade. [Jade groans] Now, once an artifact is unearthed-

Jade: Really! He tanned their ninja hides! He's got amazing reflexes! Watch! [Takes an apple from her lunch and throws it at Jackie]

Jackie: Ow!

Ms. Hartman: Jade has quite an imagination, doesn't she, Mr. Chan?

Jackie: Heh, heh. Yes, she does. And a good throwing arm too.

[Jade has discovered a Talisman after immediately starting to dig]

Jade: Oh, Jackie! [holds up the Talisman]

Jackie: You've gotta be kidding me.

Jade: It's the Monkey Talisman! Must be a Sea Monkey!

Uncle's Head: Jackie! Jackie! [Jackie wakes up] Jackie, you are shipwrecked.

Jackie: [dazed] Yes, Uncle. Shipwrecked.

Uncle's Head: One more thing. Jade has the Monkey Talisman.

Jackie: Jade's a good girl.

Uncle's Head: One more thing. Bad men are chasing her. She needs your help. Now! [whacks him in the head]

Jackie: Jade? Jade? Ja-? [Notices a feeding giraffe] A giraffe? We drifted all the way to Africa?!

The Dog and Piggy Show [1.11]

Tohru: Chan! The tali-

Jackie: -sman? What talisman?

[Tohru holds up the talisman-tracking statue]

Tohru: The ones the dragons indicate!

Jackie: Ohh, this talisman! You know, Tohru, you really should consider coming over the good side! Section 13 has a marvelous dental plan, and every Thursday is Donut Day!

[on the phone]

Jade: Jumping Jackal? It's me. Fearless Hyena.

Jackie: Jade-

Jade: Shh! Wise old goat roams near!

Jackie: What?

Jade: Ancient rabbit has very long ears!

Jackie: What are you talking about?

Jade: It's Uncle's birthday, where are you?

Jackie: My flight had a layover in Bavaria. [annoyed] If I never see Bavaria again...

Jade: Jackal, this isn't about you!

Jackie: Don't worry, Jade. My plane will arrive in plenty of time [whispering] for Operation Surprise!

Jade: Cool! So, whatca' get him?

Jackie: Uh...

Uncle: Jade. Jade! Jade!

Jade: Ah! Uncle, you scared me!

Uncle: And the rock and roll noise is scaring away the customers.

Jade: Tch, it's hiphop, duh! Come on, Uncle Coolio, I'll teach you some moves!

Uncle: [sighing] My hip does not hop...

Jade: Sure it does. You just move with the Grand Master Groove!

[Uncle drops a vase, which shatters]

Uncle: I am like that antique.

Jade: Uh... valuable?

Uncle: Old... and brittle.

Uncle: I will do research now.

Jade: But Uncle, we have cake! We have to celebrate!

Uncle: When I am another year younger, then I will celebrate.

Jade: Jackie, has Uncle always been like all... You know, uncley?

Jackie: No, Jade. When Uncle was young, he was just like me.

Jade: Does that mean you're going to be grouchy, constipated, and smell like garlic when you're Uncle's age?

Valmont: You failed to retrieve the talisman, and you sat on this! [holds the broken Seeking Device]

Shendu: The Seeking Device was forged by magic. Such things are hard to come by.

Tohru: Apologies, master.

Valmont: Perhaps the time has come to have a freelancer lead future missions...

Tohru: No need, master. I will do better!

Valmont: Ah, too late! Tohru, meet Hak Foo.

Uncle: "The Dog talisman is best friend to man. It restores youthful energy to its holder... and grants eternal life." Hmm... immortality...

Tohru: So... uh... where shall we begin our search for the talisman?

Hak Foo: I don't know. You sat on the seeking device, remember?

Tohru: Well, the only talismans left to be found are the Tiger and the... [sees pigs everywhere] Pig.

Hak Foo: Wait here and stand watch. And I mean stand. Less chance you'll break something.

Jade: Something's different about you.

Uncle: Like what?

Jade: Well, for one thing, you haven't said [imitates Uncle] "One more thing", since we got here.

Hak Foo: Seeking a talisman? [holds up a chocolate] Only counterfeits here.

Jackie: Do I know you?

Hak Foo: I am Hak Foo, the last human you will ever lay eyes upon.

[After Hak Foo defeats Jackie]

Hak Foo: Black Tiger crushes Chan.

[Uncle and Jade enter the room]

Uncle: You! Tiger Man! Remove your feet from Jackie!

Jackie: [groggily] What's a Jackie?

Hak Foo: Take your leave, or feel the burn!

Uncle: You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

Hak Foo: Angry crow takes flight! [jumps at Uncle]

Uncle: Thank you for sharing, angry crow! [kicks him down]

[Uncle is unconscious after Hak Foo knocks him out]

Uncle's Subconscious: Uncle! Uncle!

Uncle: Yes, Uncle?

Uncle's Subconscious: What happened? You got such a whooping!

Uncle: Big mouth had a big fist!

Uncle's Subconscious: One more thing, there is work to do. You must acquire the Pig talisman and discover the power that it possesses.

Uncle: But... I'm dead.

Uncle's Subconscious: Ai-yah! How can you be dead? You are wearing the immortality talisman!

Uncle: Oh. Right.

Uncle's Subconscious: One more thing! [whacks him in the head; Uncle wakes up]

Jackie: Uncle! You're okay!

Uncle's Head: See? Lots of garlic is good for you! We must get the Pig talisman before the big mouth finds it!

Jackie: Uncle! Explain.

Uncle: Jackie, thank you for letting me re-experience my youth. [hands over the Dog talisman] But being young is too dangerous! And exhausting! Uncle needs a nap.

Jade: You earned it Uncle! [hugs him]

Jade: Three against one! We can take him!

Jackie: Jade, the talisman.

Jade: Uh, right!

The Tiger and the Pussycat [1.12]

Shendu: After nine centuries, all twelve Talismans have been recovered. Yet I possess only two, while Jackie Chan has ten! You have failed me, Valmont!

Jackie-Light: Uncle!

Uncle: What is it?

Jackie-Light: I stepped on a bug! [sobbing] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho...

Finn: Seems like Chan's in a particularly bad mood today?

Chow: You mean the psycho? He caught my jacket.

Uncle: What happened to Jackie? He is such a cry-baby!

Jade: He's such a jerk!

Uncle: He is in the library, weeping all over all of my research!

Jade: No, he's in the kitchen, raiding the fridge!

[they realize]

Jade and Uncle: Jackie?

Uncle: The Talisman broke, Jackie's Yin, was separated from his Yang.

Jade: Whoa. Jackie-Light, and Jackie-Dark.

Jackie-Light: I am the Dark side! I murdered a bug!

Jade: [to Jackie-Dark] You're the side who ate my candy? You're evil! EVIL!

Jade: [as the Dark Hand arrives outside Uncle's store] What are we gonna do?!

Jackie-Dark: Laugh like circus clowns while they scream for mercy.

Jackie-Light: RUN!

Jade: Guess we'll never know if two Jackies are better than- [Jackie-Light grabs Jade] WHOA!

Jackie-Light: This is no place for children!

Finn: [driving away from Jackie-Dark who moments ago creamed them in a fight] He'll never catch us.

Chow: Weren't we supposed to catch him?

Finn: Shut up!

[Jackie-Dark, Chow, and Finn are laughing loudly about their recent fight]

Jackie-Dark: And when the fish hit the road, you guys all went, "BWAH!"

[more loud laughter]

Finn: You know Chan, you're all right!

Chow: Too bad we gotta eliminate you.

[more loud laughter]

Jackie-Dark: ELIMINATE ME?! [laughing hard]

Ratso: Get in there!

Jackie-Light: [getting in the car] Are those seats real leather? Oh, those poor cows! [sobbing]

Jackie-Light: It's not nice to drop-kick little girls.

Tohru: It's always Tohru's fault. Everyone blames Tohru.

[After Jackie-Light and Jackie-Dark eliminate a room filled with Shadowkhan]

Jackie-Dark: You have pretty decent chups for such a big baby.

Jackie-Light: [putting an arm on Jackie-Dark] Oh, I owe it all to teamwork!

Jackie-Dark: Don't touch me.

Valmont: [after fitting the last half of the twelfth Talisman into Shendu] Game over, Chan. Way over.

Shendu: [no longer a statue, but a walking demon] I LIVE!

Tohru: Give me that... (pie splats his face)

Jade: He was going to say pie, right?

Day of the Dragon [1.13]

[The Dark Hand Enforcers see Shendu brought back to life for the first time.]

Finn: Whoa, Shen-dude!

Ratso: Uh, welcome to Earth?

Chow: Good to see ya up and around!

[After Shendu refuses to reward the Dark Hand with the treasure he promised them.]

Valmont: Tohru, make this deadbeat puny up!

[Finn, Ratso, and Chow back away from Tohru.]

Finn: You go bro.

Ratso: We're right behind you-

Chow: -in spirit.

Ratso: Too bad about the lost treasure of... y'know, whatcha call it.

Finn: Uh, will this affect our bonuses?

Ratso: You get a bonus?

Valmont: Shut it!

Jackie: Who...what are you?

Shendu: I am the keeper of the Talismans. I am the Apocalypse of which Legend speaks! And I am, for once and for all, your executioner!

Uncle: Did the demon have any specific markings?

Captain Black: Red eyes, great big claws, and razor sharp teeth isn't SPECIFIC ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

Uncle: Thousands of demon sorcerors have existed throughout history! I need more information! A symbol, a name, ANYTHING!

[Tohru enters the shop, bandaged after his encounter with Shendu]

Tohru: Chan!

Jackie: [annoyed] Go away! We have no more Talismans!

Tohru: The demon's name...Shendu!

Uncle: Shendu's former palace is located near what is now Hong Kong. His vengeance is to begin at the toll of Midnight, ushering in the Chinese New Year.

Captain Black: Chinese New Year? That gives us only a couple of days!

Jackie: Less. Hong Kong is sixteen hours ahead of San Fransisco!

Captain Black: We'll take Section 13's fastest transport!

Uncle: Finding the demon is not enough. One must have a means of... [reaching for a book he cannot reach] ...defeating it... [Tohru grabs the book and hands it to Uncle] Thank you. I will come with you!

Toru: I will come... [grunts in pain] ...too!

Jackie: Umm...that's okay.

Captain Black: Tohru, why help us?

Tohru: I am told Section 13 serves donuts on Thursdays.

[On the Section 13 plane to Hong Kong.]

Uncle: Go away! I am busy!

Agent: Uh, you've been in the lavatory since take-off.

Uncle: That is right! Laboratory! Do you want Jackie to defeat the evil demon? Yes? Then go away! Let Uncle work!

Uncle: Never question the inscriptions.

Captain Black: Let's turn up the heat.

[The agents aise their weapons]

Uncle: No! Shendu is immortal. Magic must defeat magic.

[The agents lower their weapons]

Captain Black: He's out cold! Men!

[The agents raise their weapons.]

Uncle: Aiya! No! Magic must defeat magic!

[The agents lower their weapons.]

Captain Black: Argh...

[Shendu seems to be gaining the upper hand against Jackie again]

Captain Black: That tears it! Men!

[Uncle grabs Captain Black's shoulder, knocking him out]

Uncle: Who else wants a piece of Uncle?

[The rest of the agents stand down their weapons]

[Shendu is defeated; Captain Black comes to again]

Captain Black: What happened?

Uncle: See? What have we learned?

Agents: Magic must defeat magic.

Jackie: Happy New Year Jade! Happy New Year Uncle! [Uncle cuffs Jackie.] Ow!

Uncle: You destroyed the demon! Yin and yang! Now the world is out of balance! Nobody told you to destroy the demon!

Jackie: Jade did it.

Jade: Hmmph...

Uncle: Now there is a void for a new, stronger evil to fill!

Finn: [as the Dark Hand emerges from the dust of the palace] I know how much the treasure meant to you, Big V... [looks to the Talismans now scattered in the dust] ...but how about a consolation prize?

Jackie: You should visit your parents.

Jade: They might want me to stay with them.

Jackie: Would that be so awful?

Jade: Tch...For you. [starts crying]

Jackie: Waahhh!!!!!

Jade: Jackie! (gasp) Ahhhhh!!!!!

Jackie: Call Captain Black. Once I reach the top, you head for the bottom.

Jade: Awww.....

Jade: Well, what do we say we save their lives?

(Changes to Section 13 room)

Jade: Jackie, I have to come with you. I'm in such a part of the J-Team! The cunning one?

Jackie: Jade, this is not a movie. You know that this time it is too dangerous.

Season 2

The Stronger Evil [2.1]

Valmont: [angered] It would seem we have lost the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. On the bright side, however, Jackie Chan has done me a tremendous favor by eliminating my albatross.

Ratso: [whispers] Albatross? I thought Shendu was a dragon.

Valmont: Which means we now have exclusive access to... [picks up the Dragon Talisman] some very potent magic.

Shendu: Once I make Jackie Chan pay, I shall tear that buffoon Valmont to pieces-!

Dai Gui: SILENCE! The only future you have is here with us, brother!

Xiao Fung: Indeed. Let the eternal torment begin!

Shendu: "Torment"? "Eternal"?!

Tso Lan: To punish your betrayal, Shendu. You chose to spend your time ruling China.

Bai Tza: While we withered in this bone-dry pit!

Hsi Wu: Bored out of our wits all those centuries, each exactly like the one before it!

Po Kong: You never even attempted to free us!

Shendu: [nervously] I... your rescue was in the planning stages, but I became imprisoned in a statue-

Tchang Zu: Excuses! You desired the earthly realm for you alone! [strikes Shendu with lightning]

Hsi Wu: A shame you never learned to share, brother.

Shendu: No, wait! I can free you!

Bai Tza: Do not toy with us! The doorways can only be opened from the other side.

Dai Gui: The human side.

Shendu: Precisely. As the humble spirit you now see before you, I am free to cross over and possess any human I wish, enabling me to undo the sacred spells that keep you here... if you so deem it.

[Valmont distributes the Talismans among his Enforcers.]

Valmont: Twelve Talismans, four Enforcers, three each.

Ratso: Uh, boss... there's only three of us since Tohru cashed in his frequent flyer miles.

Finn: So, I'll just hang on to these-

Hak Foo: Hungry crane spears fish!

[Hak Foo snatches the other Talismans.]

Valmont: Everyone remembers Hak Foo?

Ratso: [nervously] Heh, hiya Hak!

Chow: Or do you prefer Foo?

Valmont: Master Foo. The Black Tiger shall be your new lieutenant.

[as an alarm goes off]

Captain Black: Jackie! Robbery in progress, financial district! It's the Dark Hand!

Jackie: Uhh, good luck with that?

Captain Black: They're packing heat. Talisman heat.

Finn: Astral projection? Motion to the motionless? Yin yang? How come I get all the loser powers?

Security Guard: Freeze!

Hak Foo: Mule kick!

[Hak Foo easily dispatches the security guard without his talisman powers.]

Finn: No fair, you're not even using yours!

Hak Foo: The Horse for healing - I am not easily injured. The Rooster for levitation - I already fly. The Dog for immortality - there is not a man alive who can vanquish me!

Finn: [intimidated] It's cool. Trade ya?

Hak Foo: Baby.

[Hak Foo gives his Talismans to Finn.]

Finn: Score!

Captain Black: I know you're eager to get on with your life, my friend, but you know more about these Talismans than anyone.

Jackie: Uh but-

Captain Black: I need you, Jackie. One last time.

Jackie: ...One last time.

Jade: Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. So can I-

Captain Black and Jackie: No! [they leave]

Jade: Didn't even let me ask! ...And if I didn't ask, how am I supposed to know what they said "no" to?

Ratso: Haha, we're like superheroes, who steal stuff!

Shendu: So, I trust you would agree that my, err... martyrdom has left a void for a new, stronger evil to fill - namely you, my brothers and sisters. Shall I proceed, then?

[The other Demon Sorcerers cast a spell on Shendu.]

Shendu: Gah! What trick is this?!

Hsi Wu: You have proven crafty, brother. So we require a safety measure.

Bai Tza: Our spell will keep you bound within a human of your choosing, until you release us.

Xiao Fung: A precaution, so that we know exactly where to find you!

Tso Lan: In the event we deem it necessary to resume your eternal torment.

Shendu: I accept your terms. I will choose my vessel well to best serve you. And the human most capable for this task is my nemesis: Jackie Chan!

Finn: Immortality and healing? That's redundant!

Jade: Need a lift? [picks Jackie up in the Jet Pack]

Jackie: I told you never play with things you don't know how to-

Jade: [pointing out the controls] Ignition, steering, throttle, brakes.

Jackie: [sigh] Faster.

Jackie: Look out!

Finn: Yeah right, like I'm gonna fall for tha-

[Finn crashes into the ceiling of a tunnel entrance.]

Finn: Ugh, immortality hurts.

Hak Foo: Black tiger crosses bald eagle!

Finn: We must have left millions on that beach! What is the deal, Big-V?

Shendu: [revealing himself in possession of Valmont's body] Valmont cannot hear you!

[the enforcers gasp in surprise]

Chow: Uh-oh.

Finn: Shendu?

Ratso: He's back...

[the enforcers lay the Talismans before Shendu]

Chow: Your Talismans, Mr. Shendu.

Ratso: We was takin' care of 'em for ya. [chuckles nervously, as the Enforcers try to leave, with Shendu blocking their path]

Shendu: Keep your Talismans, they no longer matter to me.

[Valmont regains control of his body]

Chow: Wow...

Valmont: [confused] How did I- Where is the money?!

Finn: Uhh, Big-V? Shendu's back.

Valmont: What?! WHERE?!

Ratso: Inside you!

Valmont: ....Wha- That's preposterous- [walks past a mirror to see Shendu's reflection] AH! Get out!

Shendu: Trust me, Valmont, the feeling is mutual. But for now, you and your thugs will assist me, or perish! [breathes fire from Valmont's mouth at the enforcers]

Chow: Got it!

Finn: We're swinging to your beat!

[as Jackie and Captain Black find themselves surrounded by Shadowkhan]

Jackie: But I don't understand! Valmont can't summon the Shadowkhan. Only Shendu.

Shendu: [in possession of Valmont's body] Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, Chan.

[Jackie gasps]

Captaini Black: Whoa!

Shendu: Destroy them...

The J-Team [2.2]

Captain Black: Unc, that was some magic!

Uncle: [scoffs] Simple Chi spell. Many others in my book.

Jade: So the big bad dragon is back? And he's packing the Talismans?

Uncle: Talismans are not important! Shendu is a spirit now. Not even the Talismans can change that.

Captain Black: So you figure he's onto something bigger, mi compadre?

Uncle: The book Shendu stole from my library is the key to understanding his motives.

Tohru: But which volume did he steal?

Uncle: How do I know?! We must take inventory!

Captain Black: [holding a book] So all these books have spells? [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: Do not touch!

Captain Black: Aw...

Uncle: Go away, we are closed for inventory!

El Toro Fuerte: We are not customers.

Uncle: JACKIE! A burglar!

Jackie: [runs in] Uncle, he is no thief! He is- [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: Of course he is a thief! He is wearing a mask!

Paco: Oh no no no, El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask!

Jackie: Jade, explain.

Jade: It's your team, duh. The J-Team. The Chan Clan. The Chantastic five!

Jackie: Chantastic?

Jade: Five, see? You and me make two! And then there's Viper! And El Toro makes four!

Paco: And I, Paco am the fifth member of the J-Team!

Jade: I actually had someone less...puny in mind. [looks to Tohru]

Tohru: Hmm? ...I am honored.

Jackie: I am sorry you all came here for nothing, but I didn't realize my niece read so many comic books.

Hak Foo: [waking up] SLUMBERING BEAR GREETS THE DAWN!

[Tohru crashes through the wall]

Finn: Tohru, buddy!

Ratso: You're alive!

Tohru: Good to see you. [grabs the enforcers and throws them against the wall]

Chow: Tohru's a traitor!

Chow: Heat beams, sweet! [uses the Pig Talisman which shatters his glasses immediately] Hey! My glasses!

Hak Foo: [fighting Tohru] Mad Monkey Kung Fu! Octopus Fists of Fury! Shredding Bear Claws! Minnow Wallops Whale!

Tohru: I'm sorry, what was the last part?

Hak Foo: I said, "Minnow-"

[Tohru rams into him, pushing him to the floor]

Hak Foo: [dazed] "What was that last part..." [Tohru chuckles] I wasn't going to use these... [activates the Sheep Talisman] ...but now you've made me mad! [lunges at Tohru in Astral form] Astral projection?! Gah!

[Hak Foo turns to see Tohru walk over to his unconscious body, and drop his full weight onto him, Hak Foo returns to his body]

Hak Foo: Ow!

Uncle: [kicks away Hak Foo] You are blocking my light!

Jade Times Jade [2.3]

Valmont: [after the Pan'ku Box closes] Tell me someone wrote that down...anyone?

Jackie: Uncle, please. Slow down.

Jade: You so need to chill!

Uncle: If I chill, Demons will be dancing upon all our graves! I must research the proper Chi Spells to seal the seven portals! All required ingredients must be on hand and ready!

Jackie: Uncle, at least let me help! [Uncle grabs him by the ear]

Uncle: What do you know about magic?! I was apprentice to Chi Master Fong for fifteen years! [sighs] Perhaps it is time for me to train an apprentice of my own. Someone of sound Judgement, whom I can trust with my Chi knowledge.

Jade: Me, me, me! I'll put some focus in your hocus!

Uncle: Tohru!

Tohru: Huh?!

Jade: [following Jackie] I've got your back, Jack.

Jade Clone: Tokyo's mondo-coolio, don'tcha think?

Jade: [gasp] What are you doing here?!

Jade Clone: Tch, like I was gonna miss this!

Jade: But, my homework! We promised Jackie!

Jade Clone: No, you promised Jackie!

Uncle: Aiya!

Tohru: [waking up] U-Uncle? [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: You cast a lousy spell!

Tohru: I did?

Uncle: My one of a kind vase is no longer one of a kind!

[shows him the vase that was duplicated; before it immediately splits into yet another vase]

Uncle: [gasp] One more thing!

Po Kong: [seeing the army of Jade clones] Mmmm...finger food!

Jade Clones: You mean, knuckle sandwhich!

Uncle: Now, the drum!

Tohru: Uh...drum?

Uncle: The symbol of the immortal who originally imprisoned Po Kong!

Tohru: [gulps] I...thought you had it.

Uncle: Aiya! What kind of apprentice are you?!

Tohru: ...a lousy one?

Jackie: Uncle! The Pan'ku box!

Uncle: I think there is a bigger problem to solve.

[they look at the Jade army of clones who chuckle nervously]

Uncle: [sighs] I must do research...

Tohru: Uh, no need, sensei. I believe no finishing charm was applied to the original duplication spell. That is why it continues to repeat.

Uncle: Huh?

Tohru: Uh, I did some reading during the long flight.

Uncle: Tohru will be a good apprentice.

Jackie: Did you bring the finishing charm?

Tohru: [nods] But it will only work on the original Jade.

Jackie: Jade!

[all the Jade clones begin to beckon to themselves]

Jackie: [groans] Okay! Whoever cast the spell in the first place is grounded with no TV for a year!

Jade Clones: [gasp] She did it! [all point to one Jade]

Jade: Tch...tattle-tales.

Rumble in the Big House [2.4]

Shendu: The portal of Xiao Fung the Wind Demon lies on the southern land mass, four million and one cubits above the southern hemisphere, beyond the blasted forest, nestled between the rolling hills.

Ratso: Uh, the only thing I see nestling...

Finn: ...is Hollowlands Penitentiary!

Valmont: You mean to tell us that the demon portal lies within those prison walls, Shendu?

Shendu: Do not take that tone with me, Valmont! I did not build the fortress!

Ratso: I've heard of busting out of jail, but breaking in?

Captain Black: Valmont and his pals have been spotted downtown. You in, Jackie?

Jade: We're there!

Jackie: Is your name Jackie? [Jade frowns] Captain Black, I thought all Dark Hand matters had been reassigned to Section 12!

Captain Black: That may be so, but I'm not going to sit pretty while the Dark Hand strolls into my backyard and hands a hall pass to a hobgoblin!

Jade Captain Black is in the house!

Captain Black: Don't worry. All you have to do is fix your way into Valmont's gang, and get ahold of that Pan Ku Box before they open the portal with it.

Jackie: Oh, is that all?

Finn: Whoa! We struck demon.

Xiao Fung: Not any demon. Xiao Fung, Demon of the Wind.

Ratso: Uh, like breaking wind?

Xiao Fung: [blows them backwards with his powers] Like breaking bones!

Xiao Fung: Aah, the sweet scent of freedom!

Finn: Uh, actually, Your Breeziness, sir? You're not exactly free.

Xiao Fung: No?

Ratso: You're in the hoosegow!

Finn: Prison!

Xiao Fung: This "prison" is paradise compared to the ghastly abyss I escaped.

Finn: Whatever you say, chief, but outside's even better! Beaches, movies...

Ratso: Yeah, so why don't you huff and puff and blow this house down?

Xiao Fung: Where is Shendu?

Ratso: Shendu's in Valmont.

Finn: And Valmont's in solitary.

Xiao Fung: Hmm. If I do not free this Valmont, I will be burdened with freeing my brothers and sisters. Very well.

[changes into a human]

Finn: Whoa, you guys can do that?

Xiao Fung: Concealment seems prudent. Demons seem to stick out like sore thumbs in this modern world...

Jackie: [as Chance Jackson; calling Section 13] Uhhh...chinchilla. [pause] What's a chinchilla?! [beat] That's the password! Just get me Captain Black! [pause] What do you mean he can't be disturbed?!

[at Section 13, Captain Black is doing an ink blot test with two therapists]

Captain Black: [for one blot] Demon. [another blot is shown] I see a demon.

Therapist: And this one? [shows another blot]

Captain Black: Socks. Worn by a really big demon.

Jackie: [on phone as Chance] Uncle? It is me...your nephew...

Uncle: What? It does not sound like you! [pause] What do you mean you are in prison?! You are a BAD influence on Jade! Good thing it is not really you. [hangs up]

Jade: Who was that, Uncle?

Uncle: Ah, crank call.

Jade: Prince Albert in a can?

Uncle: Nah, crazy talk about demons and prisons. [Jade and Uncle suddenly realize] Aiya!

Ratso: [picking up Jackie's Chance Jackson mask] I liked you...

Uncle: [taking a fan from an old woman] I'm sorry. I will bring this back. Thank you!

And He Does His Own Stunts [2.5]

Shendu: [guiding Chow and Hak Foo who are carrying a large box] Ah ah, gently. Watch your step! Place it over to the left.

Valmont: [regaining control] ...and into the incinerator! We could use some firewood.

Shendu: Silence! With some sprucing, this fish heap will be worthy of housing a demon sorceror!

Valmont: Ex-demon sorceror.

Shendu: I may be vanquished, but I am still in charge, Valmont. As you can well see.

Valmont: This is my hideout, and my body, Shendu!

Shendu: Which reminds me, I have a change of wardrobe in mind for us!

Valmont: Huh?! You wouldn't dare!

Jackie: Hollywood? I'm on my way, Captain Black.

Jade: [surprises Jackie] Jackie, can I come with? Please???

Jackie: Jade, the Dark Hand is there, no doubt searching for a demon portal.

Jade: But Jackie, Raphaelo DiCapizio is getting his footprints in cement at the Chinese Theater this weekend!

Jackie: Who-phealo DeCa-who-zio?

Jade: Tch. Hello? Raphaelo DiCapizio is only the greatest movie star in the history of... history!

Uncle: Ah, I guess you have never heard of John Wayne!

Tohru: Aah, the Duke. "Saddle up, Pilgrim!"

Tohru: I am so sorry I screamed, Jade.

Jade: Yeah, uh, Frankenstein did look pretty life-like, T. Must be all that wax.

Tohru: Uh, maybe we should bring back a souvenir for Uncle. [approaches the gift shop desk] Do you have any photos of John Wayne? [the girl looking at Tohru behind the desk, obviously intimidated by his size, holds up photos]

Ratso: Aw, we're wandering anyway! I wanna see Clark Gable's old house!

Finn: Frankly Ratso, I don't give a darn!

[after a fight Jackie has with a puppet]

Director Nigel: Cut! Who are you?!

Jackie: This is a movie set?

Jade: Awesome! Are you gonna put Jackie in your movie?

Nigel: Oh sure! AFTER I HAVE HIM ARRESTED!

Larry Franklin: Nigel, Nigel! Calm down! [shaking Jade's hand] Larry Franklin, producer of "Ninjas in the Hood"! [to Jackie] That was quite a display te way you [impersonating Jackie's fighting] Bam! And Bam, Bam, BAM! You have an agent?

Jackie: Uhhh...

Jade: That would be moi.

Larry: Bam bam! This town's getting younger everyday!

Jade: Look, Lar! Jackie Chan here is going to be the next big action superstar, and you have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor!

Jackie: Jaaade...

Jade: Right, Jackie. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts?

Security Guard: Pass?

Jackie: Yes, I would like to!

Jackie: [jumping the Dark Hand, and taking the Pan'ku Box] Sorry, I can't bring it back, thank you!

Hak Foo: Woodchuck chucks wood!

Shendu: As the thunder claps, so do I applaud your skill, brother!

Tchang Zu: Shendu! You may call me, "Master"!

Shendu: ...Of course...master!

Finn: Ohh...Tssss....

Jackie: [his cell phone rings] Hello? Jade! Where are you?

Jade: Duh...Chinese Theater? But so is the Thunder Demon, and he's packing serious voltage!

Jackie: How do you do that-? Never mind! Jade, do nothing until I get there! [hangs up]

Uncle: Jade never does nothing!

Jackie: I know, but I feel I have to say it.

Uncle: [in a shop in Chinatown] One more thing! Powder of Komodo Dragon tooth. One more thing! Tincture of Tortoise Shell! One more thing! Castanets, the symbol of Tsao Kuo-Ch'iu.

Shopkeeper: In Chinatown?

Larry Franklin: Who's the old guy? [referring to Uncle]

Jade: Cranky co-star, occasional comedy relief.

Queen of the Shadowkhan [2.6]

The kids: No way!

Girl: Drew got a tattoo?!

Jade: Hmmm...yeah. Been thinking I might get one of those.

Drew: [laughs] Oh, yeah. Sure Jade. Like you're dig-in-the-dirt-with-tiny-brushes-Uncle Jackie would ever let you get a tattoo!

Jade: [defensive] He would so let me, Drew! By tomorrow, I'm gonna have the gnarliest tattoo in the history of...gnarl!

Jade: Hey Jackie, how was your trip, have you lost weight, can I get a tattoo?

Jackie: [chuckling] My trip was- A TATTOO?!

Jade: Please Jackie? All the kids at school are-

Jackie: No.

Jade: But-

Jackie: No!

Jade: But-

Jackie: No.

Jade: But-

Jackie: No tattoos for Jade. Period!

Valmont: I will put up with a lot, Shendu. But I draw the line at wearing a dress!

Shendu: This is a sorcerer's robe!

Finn: [laughing] Shen-dudet! [bows]

Ratso: Pretty dress.

Chow: Very becoming!

Shendu: [annoyed] Where is my archive?

Ratso: Uh, Chan's got it.

Chow: But it wasn't our fault!

Finn: Yeah, that's right! The Shadowkhan were there too!

Shendu: The Shadowkhan are my puppets. They do only what I command! Are you suggesting that this is MY fault?!

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Huh?

Jackie: Why are you wearing snow boots?

Jade: Heard it might snow?

Jackie: Oh, it's 72 degrees out. [begins to remove one boot]

Jade: AVALANCHE! [Jackie looks behind him, she places her now exposed foot in her backpack as he looks back at her] Heh, false alarm.

Jackie: [turns her foot to reveal the tattoo she made] Jade, wash this off, right now!

Jade: Err...tried that.

Jackie: What? It's a real tattoo?!

Jade: By accident!

Uncle: [walks in] How can you get a tattoo by acci-[sees the symbol on her foot and gasps in horror]

Hak Foo: [after the Shadowkhan cream him in a fight; running away] Bunny flees from vicious jackals! AAH!

Hak Foo: [in bandages] I am telling you, it was the Shadowkhan who did this to me!

Finn: [the rest of the Dark Hand are also in bandages] Chan kicked our butts too!

Chow: Yeah, you don't hear us lying about it.

Shendu: Need I remind you, the Shadowkhan do only what I command? Come, minions!

[a great spectacle happens as Shendu tries to summon the Shadowkhan, but none appear]

Shendu: ...minions?

Valmont: It would seem you have lost your touch, Shendu.

Shendu: I HAVE NOT LOST MY TOUCH!

Finn: [in a disguise] Finn to Ratso, I'm in position. [knocks on Uncle's Shop door]

Uncle: Too busy, come back later!

Finn: [with an accent] But I am a vealthy art collector!

Uncle: [opens door] Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds!

Jade: [eyeing the Dark Hand, with the Shadowkhan behind her] Give 'em a spanking!

[the Shadowkhan are bowing before Jade, who's skin color is slightly a pale blue]

Jade: See Jackie? Total control. They do what I tell them, and I only tell them to do good. So can I keep 'em?

Jackie: No, Jade!

Jade: Aw...why not?

Jackie: Because you're turning blue!

Jade: Blue's my favorite color. Besides, we gave Tohru a chance!

Jackie: Tohru is human! Now, I want you to make them go away, until Uncle can find a-

Uncle: Huh-cha! I have found a potion that will make Jade's tattoo vanish!

Jade: But I like my tattoo! You can't do this to me!

Jackie: It's for your own safety, Jade.

Uncle: Now sit still, while I apply the potion. [leans to apply the potion, only to have the tattoo violently react]

Jade: Do not touch me! I am, and shall remain, Queen of the Shadowkhan!

Shanghai Moon [2.7]

Hak Foo: [as the Pan'ku Box reveals the next portal, out in Space] To find this portal, we must travel north. Very north.

Ratso: Brrr...chilly.

Hak Foo: Very, very north.

Chow: Okay, check the warranty on the box! We're like halfway to the moon!

Shendu: Where did you think Tso Lan, the Moon Demon, would be found?

Captain Black: Valmont and his cronies have been spotted in Florida, near Cape Canaveral.

Jackie: I'm on my way.

Jade: [suddenly appears] Hey! Going on a mission, Jackie?

Jackie: Uh, no! It's not a mission, it's uh, a conference on Feng Shui!

Captain Black: In Minnesota!

Jackie: Want to come?

Jade: Umm, I would Jackie, but you know I have that new science project to cook up.

Ratso: Uhh, don't we need like, astronaut training?

Shendu: Climb aboard!

Jade: [surprises Jackie] Hi Jackie!

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: [her space suit is draping over her] Check out the monkey-suit. Literally.

Jackie: But, how did you-

Jade: [holds up the Rabbit Talisman] Speed Talisman. Fastest way to get to...Minnesota?

Captain Black: [taking over the Space Station Headquarters] This is a Level Seven override. My engineers will take it from here.

Space Station Supervisor: ...okay.

Shendu: Chan?!

Finn: Everybody's an astronaut.

Hak Foo: The eagle has landed!

Shendu: Tso Lan, so good to see you.

Tso Lan: Skip the pleasantries, Shendu. I am interested only in seizing control of the Moon's gravity, so that I may pull the ball from its orbit.

Jade: But- But that'll wreck all of Earth's ecosystems!

Ratso: How do you know?

Jade: I watch the Science Network! [Ratso blows a raspberry at Jade]

Tso Lan: The child is correct. And only then will Earth's landscape be to my liking.

Ratso: Whoa! He wants to kabosh the planet!

Finn: And you made us let him out?!

Shendu: Just be glad you are up here.

[after Jackie knocks the Dark Hand into the trash pod]

Valmont: Shendu...I despise you.

Shendu: I heard that!

Tso Lan: Behold, my mastery of gravity.

Jackie: [after banishing Tso Lan] So long, Tso Lan.

Jade: [jumping along the Moon's surface] My science project is gonna rock! [does the moon dance]

Armor of the Gods [2.8]

Jackie: [as the spear he's using to fight Shadowkhan disintegrates] Heh...termites...

Uncle: Jackie! [Jackie jumps in surprise, dropping the armor he's carrying] You are too loud!

Jackie: Uncle, you are the one who's yelling!

Uncle: [gasp] You dishonor the only known existing relic of the Eight Immortals!

Jackie: Ye-eh-You caused me to drop it!

Uncle: [gasp] You dishonor your Uncle!

Jade: [very sleepy] Hey Jackie...

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing up?

Jade: "Old Yeller" is keeping us all up. He hasn't slept in days!

Uncle: Tohru! Where is my tea?!

Tohru: [sleeping standing up and holding tea] Er, what? [falls asleep again, pouring tea on the floor]

Uncle: Aiya!

Jackie: Uncle, why won't you sleep?

Uncle: Because, I have demons on the brain! I lay down, and all I hear is "Chi spell! Chi spell! Chi spell!"

Jackie: Have you tried counting sheep?

Uncle: Demons always eat them.

Jackie: Well...thank you for watching Jade. [proceeds to leave]

Uncle: Where are you going?! We must study the Immortal's Armor and discover what magic it holds!

Jackie: Now? It is 3 AM Uncle. You should really try to sleep. [cell phone rings]

Uncle: How can I sleep with all this noise?!

Jackie: [answers phone] Yes?

Captain Black: Jackie, we've spotted the Dark Hand.

Jackie: I'm on my way!

Captain Black: Care to know where you're going?

Jackie: I don't care. Anywhere but here.

Captain Black: Okay...

Jackie: ....[hangs up phone] Uncle, I'm off to Spain! I will call you for the Chi spell, once I find out what Demon we're dealing with. [begins to leave fast]

Uncle: Take the armor, it could be of some use!

Jackie: But you have to discover what magic it holds!

Uncle: How can I do that if you take it with you?!

[in the streets of Spain]

Valmont: Festive.

Ratso: I'm telling you Pamplona's famous for something.

Hak Foo: It must be the paella.

Ratso: Ohh! The thing they hit with the stick until candy comes out?

Valmont: That would be a piñata, Ratso. This is Spain, not Mexico.

[Jade is watching TV]

Uncle: Jade! TV is too loud!

[Jade turns down volume]

Uncle: STILL too loud!

[annoyed, turns off the TV]

Uncle: I can hear the electricity in the wires! UNPLUG!

Jade: I wish there was a way to unplug Uncle...

Uncle: Jade! The books are laughing at me!

Jade: [to herself] Not for long. [to Uncle] Tea, dear Uncle?

Uncle: Yes. Ha-cha! [sits and takes a sip of the tea] BAGH! Jade! This tea tastes like it was brewed with beard of goat! [sips again] One more thing! It is bitter! One more thing! It is cold! One more thing! [falls asleep]

Jade: [gasps; before making sure her sleeping spell worked] Ha-cha!

Captain Black: Black.

Jackie: Captain Black, I've been trying to reach you for hours!

Captain Black: Sorry, Jackie, company softball game. Guess who hit a home run?

Jackie: You did? Oh, congradula- no!

Jackie: [lifting a boulder with the power of the armor after being crushed by it] Didn't feel a thing!

Tohru: [upon finding a fissure] Earthquake?

Jade: Earth Demon.

Dai Gui: Dai Gui does not like flowers!

Jade: Here comes my favorite part! [mouths Dai Gui's scream]

Dai Gui: NO!

Jackie: How are you feeling, Uncle?

Uncle: Very well, thank you...except for the Demon screaming in my face! One more thing! I told you the armor was good armor! One more thing! You should never question Uncle!

Tohru: You should have made Uncle's tea stronger. He is still cranky.

Jade: I don't think there's enough tea in China to simmer Uncle down. But I'll take Mr. Sourpuss over Mr. Happypants any old day!

Tale of the Demon Tail/Demon in Di-Skies [2.9]

[Shendu approaches the women's bathroom]

Ratso: Whoa, boss! You can't go in where no man has gone before.

Shendu: We are not going in, fool! Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is coming out!

Captain Black: I don't care if you are wearing a dress, Valmont. You are NOT going in the little girl's room!

Drew: Hey, Jade, going to the spring dance Friday night?

Jade: Eh, was thinking about it.

Drew: Who are you gonna go with? A ninja? Or do you only fight them?

[children laugh]

Jade: You're a riot, Drew.

Hsi Wu: [disguised as Seymour] Hey, Drew, who are you gonna go with? Your mother?

Drew: No...I... [children laugh at Drew]

Kids: Mama's boy.

Uncle: This friend of Jade's is too polite.

Jackie: Uncle, Jade finally has a friend her own age. This could keep her away from portals and demons.

Jade: Seymour's loads more fun than any of the other kids at school! We like the same things, and he actually listens to me! We're like Yin and Yang, Yang and Yin.

Tohru: Good and evil?

Jade: Left and right; two halves of the same whole. Duh.

Seymour: I smell a spell!

[the tail flies towards him; he catches it]

Seymour: Stee-rike!

Jade: You're-you're...

Seymour: [changing into Hsi Wu] A demon? Still want to go the dance with me?

Jade: Not!

Hsi Wu: What have you done to my tail, sly Uncle?!

Uncle: Ancient proverb: None of your bees-wax!

[Jade takes the Tiger Talisman]

Jade: Fight fire with fire. Fight yin... with yang.

Jackie: Uncle, run!

Uncle: [sitting on top of a water tower, looking around] Where to?

Jade: [after releasing Hsi Wu's tail] Tails. You lose.

[after Hsi Wu's banishment]

Jade: So long... Seymour.

Jade: You were right about the good and evil thing, T.

Tohru: There will be other dances, Jade.

Jade: Dance, schmance. I am so over Seymour! I just miss having someone around who listens. [pause] Someone... like you! [gives Tohru her necklace] Yin and Yang. Big and small. You and me.

The New Atlantis [2.10]

Ratso: [as Bai Tza is lreleased] Whoa. Fish out of water.

Bai Tza: At last! Liberation! And now for some libation...which will require moister climes than this!

Shendu: Ah ah ah! Now that I have opened the last portal, sister Bai Tza, it is time to liberate me from my prison of flesh!

Bai Ta: [grabs Shendu] You DARE request your freedom?!

Shendu: Have I not earned it?! As promised, I have released all of our brothers and sisters!

Bai Tza: How curious then, THAT SIX DEMON SORCERORS REMAIN TRAPPED IN THE VOID! I should obliderate you on their behalf!

Shendu: I held my part of the bargain! You cannot blame me for the meddlings of Jackie Chan!

Valmont: Is it over? Am I free of Shendu?!

Finn: Uhh, the mermaid said no deal, Big-V.

Bai Tza: Your spells may have quelled my siblings...but I am the slippery one!

Valmont: [as Shendu grows new features on Valmont's body, such as green skin, scales, and a horn] Wearing the skirt is demeaning enough, Shendu, but this is over the line!

Shendu: Do you think I am pleased with our union, Valmont?! If I am to remain in your pathetic body, I must at least make a few cosmetic improvements! Now hold still while I sprout our tail!

Valmont: Good madame, free me of Shendu, I beg you. Look what he did to my head! [Bai Tza grabs him]

Bai Tza: My answer to you, and my sniveling brother remains...no! [drops him]

Finn: Ohh, nasty piranha!

Bai Tza: You!

Finn: Him? [indicating to Ratso, before he's grabbed] Heh, hey. You're a fish, I'm Finn! We're sympetico!

Bai Tza: DIrect me to a suitable new empire!

Finn: Uh, mi casa es su casa, your amphibiousness!

Bai Tza: A FISH cannery?!

Finn: I see your point. Well, there's lots of nice places here in San Fran. And it's all by the water.

Chow: Yeah! Great town!

Ratso: Oh, except for the quakes.

Bai Tza: Earthquakes?

Finn: Uh, that's right. The San Andreas Fault runs right through downtown. Better idea, you should move to the East Coast!

Bai Tza: Very well, your San Fran shall be the cradle of my new undersea empire!

Ratso: Uh, but isn't your new undersea empire supposed to be...you know...

Chow: Undersea?

Bai Tza: And so it shall be, once I sink this city!

Finn: Uh, can we be excused, Shendu?

Ratso: Yeah, seeing as how we opened all the portals for you...

Chow: You don't need us to carry old Pan'ku anymore.

Shendu: Never seeing any of you ever again would make me a very happy dragon.

Ratso: Say "Bye bye" to Valmont! [enforcers begin to leave]

Finn: I hear Utah's nice this time of year!

Chow: Anywhere but here!

Valmont: Weren't you listening Shendu?! If we stay here, we will drown!

Shendu: Not if we have gills!

Valmont: Good evening.

Jackie: What do you want?!

Valmont: Shh! You will wake Shendu!

Jackie: He's napping?

Valmont: I rendered him unconscious, now please! You must help me! I want him exorcised!

Jade: Tch. Like we're gonna help Shendu get in shape?

Tohru: Tea, sensei?

Uncle: Thank you.

Valmont: Oh jolly good, Tohru, I would love a spot. [Tohru growls at Valmont] Uh...right then... [sits back down]

Valmont: Just like old times, eh Tohru? [Tohru growls at Valmont] I recommend you watch your back, Chan! Tohru turned coat on me, remember?

Tohru: You forced me to fight a demon!

Valmont: [sarcastically] Oh yes. That's completely different from what Chan has you doing!

Valmont: [after Jade is discovered to have followed them] So this is why your niece is always with you, and here I just thought you were horribly irresponsible!

Tohru: [to Valmont] If Jade does not remain safe, I will turn you inside out.

Bai Tza: Welcome to my world, Chan!

Jade: Jackie!

Valmont: I'm not sure who to root for! [Jade punches Valmont angrily] ...Go Jackie.

Jade: Go Valmont.

Valmont: And ruin my Italian shoes?

Jade: And keep Shendu for a roomate?

The Eighth Door [2.11]

Bai Tza: [as Uncle begins the Chi Spell] The Chi Wizard! [the Chi Spell launches and hits Bai Tza] NO!

Jade: [filming from the front of the boat] Ooh! Fish fry! [she is suddenly caught in the crossfire of the Chi Spell, and lifted from the boat] Whoa!

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: [flying with the beam of the spell] JACKIE! Whoa!

[Bai Tza's portal opens sucking her inside, along with Jade; back at the boat, Uncle collapses in grief]

Jackie: Uncle! We have to get Jade! You have to reopen the portal!

Uncle: [tosses his Chi equipment aside] The Chi Spell has sealed the portal, like it has sealed all the others...forever... [begins to cry]

Jackie: [trying to start the boat] Hurry, Uncle! We must fly to Rome!

Uncle: Jade is not in Rome, Jackie. She is trapped in the Demon Netherworld.

Tohru: Oh why couldn't it have been me?

Jackie: [grunts in frustration] There must be something we can do, Uncle! A counterspell! A stronger spell! SOME WAY TO- [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: I cannot think with all your noise! [in deep thought] The Eighth Door!

Jackie: Uncle?

Uncle: We have permanently sealed seven portals belonging to seven Demon Sorcerors, but not the one belonging to Shendu! It is Jade's only hope of escape from the Demon Realm...

Jade: [filming the area around her] The Demon Netherworld, where Demon Sorcerors go when they've been bad. Where no human has gone before, until now. [breaking character] My ratings will be huge! [sigh] If I can find a way out of here...

Bai Tza: Now about the Eighth Door, Shendu, it is the portal of your banishment. Only you may pass through it.

Shendu: That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant, waiting to be filled by others.

Tso Lan: You mean another. Only one may pass through each portal.

Xiao Fung: That is the rule.

Shendu: ...Do you think I have been dallying here?! [holds up a phone book] I have discovered a spell, uh which will keep the portal open until the last of you is free! In fact, I was just preparing to journey to it when you called. Hak Foo! Bring me- [the Pan'Ku Box is being lifted away by Jackie] THE PAN'KU BOX?!

Hak Foo: Shark snatches bait! [leaps for the box]

Bai Tza: What shark?

Xiao Fung: What is he talking about?

Jade: [whipsers brightfully] Jackie!

[Jackie kicks Hak Foo into a gong]

Bai Tza: Shendu, what is happening?!

Shendu: Uhh, Hak Foo always sounds the gong as we take our leave. Which reminds me...[begins to cover up the mirror] See you all at my portal! [covers the mirror]

Bai Tza: Shendu!

Po Kong: Can he be trusted?

Dai Gui: Of course not!

Xiao Fung: Yet we have no other options.

Tso Lan: But all of eternity to punish him, should he again deceive us.

Valmont: And we are on our way to China, why?

Shendu: Chan has stolen the Pan'Ku Box. Clearly he wants to find my portal so he can seal it.

Valmont: Now why would Chan go through all the trouble if he knows you don't need the portal to pass between the realms?

Shendu: For good measure I suppose. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are expecting me to open my door and free them!

Hak Foo: I brought your spellbook. [holds out the phonebook to Shendu]

Shendu: ...YOU BROUGHT THE PHONEBOOK YOU SIMPLETON! I was bluffing! [throws the book aside]

Valmont: So there is no way to free all of them.

Shendu: Of course there is! ...I...just...need to find it. That's all.

Jade: [looking for her camera] Where's my camera?

Hsi Wu: [holding the camera up] Oh Jade...say "Chi Spell"!

Jackie: Jade knows her puzzles.

Hsi Wu: [flying to the other Demons with Jade] Brothers and sisters, I bring you the mortal called, Jade! [Jade gasps]

Po Kong: Mmmm, yummy!

Jade: Uhh, if you think you're all getting out, well I hate to break it to you, but Shendu's lying. [the Demons begin to murmur amongst themselves] Only one of you can go through the portal. End of story.

Dai Gui: How do you know?

Jade: Uncle told me.

Bai Tza: The Chi Wizard!

Tso Lan: So Shendu did deceive us.

Xiao Fung: There's a surprise.

Jade: So, uh, which one of you is it gonna be?

Xiao Fung: Surely there must be a civil way to resolve this.

Tso Lan: Like what? Alphabetical order?

Uncle: Jackie! There is more than one way to skin a cat! [tosses Jackie a sword, the symbol of the Immortal that defeated Shendu] And two ways to open a portal! [begins the incantation]

Shendu: [sees the sword] The symbol of the immortal who defeated me!

Jackie: Sword slays dragon...

Dai Gui: [after Shendu's portal closes] That, is number eight.

Tso Lan: Which would make us fresh out of portals.

Hsi Wu: [filming Shendu with Jade's camera] Say "Chi Spell"!

Shendu: Perhaps we should seek a...tear in the Time-Space Continuum...

Jade: [gasps] Ooh! Can we, Jackie?

[Jackie shakes his head "no".]

Jade: Aw!

Demon World (Part 1) [2.12]

Jade: [as her parents answer the door] Surprise!

Jade's Parents: Jade!

Jade: Mom! Dad!

Jackie: Hope you don't mind us dropping in uninvited.

Jade's Father: Cousin Jackie, it's so good to see you again!

Jade's Mother: You have been such a wonderful role model for Jade.

Jackie: Oh well, thank you- [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: You take credit for my good influence?!

Jade's Parents: Uncle!

Jade: Tch. Is Uncle everyone's uncle?

Jade's Father: He is actually our cousin... aren't you? [Jackie and Uncle look at each other in confusion]

[Shendu is being tortured by the other demons]

Shendu: Stop!

Hsi Wu: What is it now, Shendu?

Shendu: Admittedly, I have failed you, my siblings. [is struck by lightning again] But I may yet save you as well! We can all regain our freedom, and even reclaim the centuries wasted in this void, if you allow me to pursue one last recourse.

Po Kong: Humph! And that would be?

Shendu: The Book of Ages.

[The other demons gasp in shock]

Dai Gui: Ludicrous!

Hsi Wu: Even we never dared to tamper with that!

Bai Tza: You risk altering the very fabric of reality!

Shendu: Am I to assume this reality pleases you, sister?

Po Kong: Hmm... These are desparate times.

Shendu: Then I will make things right. All you need do is allow me to once more depart from this realm and possess a human. The right human.

Shendu: [in possession of Jackie's body; writing in the Book of Ages] So it is written, so it shall be!

Jade: Shendu's alive?! I gotta tell... [looks to see Jackie, who has a long ponytail sweeping the streets] ...Jackie? [runs to him] What did you do to your hair? What are you doing?

Jackie: [grunts in frustration] Your job!

Jade: Sweeping dragon doo?

Jackie: Where have you been, Jade? Where's your uniform?

Jade: Um, why exactly do we have to wear uniforms?

Jackie: Because it is required for all servants of the supreme ruler, his majestic highness, Lord Shendu.

Jade: Are you telling me Shendu rules the world?!

Jackie: Oh of course not! Each of the Eight Emperors has his or her own domain!

Jade: Since when?!

Jackie: Since the dawn of history! What is wrong with you today?

Jade: Jackie? Jackie, where'd you- [Jackie grabs her]

Jackie: Today, you must scrub master's bath chamber. [gives Jade a scrubbing brush]

Jade: No way. [tosses brush away]

Jackie: Then, fill his tub with fresh muck. [gives Jade a bucket of muck]

Jade: Ew! [gags]

Jackie: And it's talons day. So don't forget to trim master's toenails. [holding a large set of clippers]

Jade: Jackie! Listen to me! I don't work for Shendu, and neither do you! Demons don't rule the world, humans do! The demons were banished into the Netherworld by the Eight Immortals a long time ago, then they got out and we banished them again, but Shendu possessed you, found this magic book, changed the past, and now none of that ever happened!

Jackie: ...That's crazy, Jade. You're crazy! Humans ruling the world...

Shendu: [as Jade approaches him on his throne] Why do you not bow?!

Jackie: Oh, your scaliness! [bowing] Please excuse my slow-witted niece! [Shendu picks him up by his ponytail]

Shendu: If she were not excused, she would be in flames! NOW FETCH MY DINNER! [drops him]

Jackie: [bowing intensely] Yes master!

Jade: [nervously] Jackie?

Jackie: [holding a platter of grubs; clears throat] Tasty treats, for his glorious excellence!

Shendu: [eating from the platter] What a good slave you make, Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: My joy is to serve you, master!

Shendu: Keeping one's enemies close is not just wise, it is gratifying.

Jade: [rushing out of the Throne Room; throws down the clippers] Gross!

Jackie: You forgot master's clippings.

Jade: Jackie, there is no way I'm ever going near his feet again! And Shendu treats you like a dog on a leash! I can't stand it!

Jackie: Well what could I do? I'm just a food servant. His slave.

Jade: The Jackie Chan I knew was nobody's whippping boy... he was a hero!

Uncle: [catches Jade and Jackie in the library] Get out!

Jade: Uncle?

Uncle: Only master's library boy is allowed in here!

Jade: Uncle, we need your help! We're looking for a book.

Uncle: Forbidden! These books are filled with magic! Even I am not allowed to read them!

Jade: The Book of Ages!

Uncle: Never heard of it.

Jade: Are you sure? [runs off] Maybe it's over here!

Uncle: [chases her] No it is not!

Jade: How about here?

Uncle: Not there!

Jade: Well maybe over here!

Uncle: No. I have been library boy for 60 years! I am sure!

Jade: If the book's not here in Shendu's library, there's only one other place it could be. Australia!

Uncle: Aiya! No man's land! That continent is forbidden!

Jackie: There is nothing there, Jade. Just a fortress!

Jade: Tch. Fortresses are usually built to protect something, duh.

Uncle: But it is said that all who approach the fortress will be destroyed.

Jade: Well we have to get inside it somehow!

Uncle: Why?

Jade: Because Shendu used the Book of Ages to rewrite reality!

Uncle: [scoffs] That is crazy. You do not believe her, do you?

Jackie: [sighs] There is one thing that I believe. Demons ruling the world is a bad thing.

Jackie: [after his ponytail is sliced off] Ah! My hair!

Jade: You were due for a trim.

Jackie: [after Uncle performs a Chi Spell to vanquish the Shadowkhan] Uncle! You saved our- [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: What choice did I have? You are family!

Jade: ...A Chi Spell? Thought you weren't allowed to read the forbidden books!

Uncle: I do not read, I...I skim.

Demon World (Part 2) [2.13]

Shendu: [after shooting Jackie with fire; only to see that Jackie is unharmed] How can it be? [Jackie opens a palm to reveal the Dog Talisman] My Talisman!

Jackie: I'm sorry, I'll give it back, thank you!

[runs away, to be cornered, another Talisman activates in his hand, he barely hits Shendu and sends Shendu flying back into his bed]

Shendu: [groans in pain] Ohhh...

Jackie: How did I do that?

Uncle: And why do you not catch fire? [Jackie reveals the Ox Talisman]

Jade: Dog makes you immortal, Ox makes you super strong. What else we got? [reveals the Talismans] Speedy Rabbit, levitating Rooster, invisible Snake, and explosive Dragon. Oh...good ones! [Shendu recovers from the rubble of his bed] Maybe we better not try for the other half dozen.

Shendu: Centuries of history altered, your very memory erased, and still somehow you defy me! [holds up the seeking device] I shall find you, Chan. And I promise you, I shall erase more than your memory!

Wrestler: Ugh...finally we can remove these ridiculous masks.

El Toro Fuerte: El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask.

Hsi Wu: What? No music while I bathe? Sing for me, my little caged songbird.

Viper: .....Tweet. Tweet.

Shendu: [recovering the Ox Talisman] CHAN!

Dai Gui: So he is behind this!

Tso Lan: And things were going so well...

Bai Tza: We were almost even beginning to like you, brother.

Shendu: What do you mean? I was just coming to visit-

Dai Gui: Hsi Wu? He has been banished to the Netherworld!

[Shendu steps on the watch that Jade dropped]

Watch Chime: [distorted] Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm Marlon Moose!

Shendu: Technology? The child!

Tso Lan: She somehow escaped the historical alterations!

Bai Tza: And if she knows the history that was...

Shendu: Then Chan now knows of the Book!

Jade: [joining Jackie] What's up Mr. Poutysnout?

Jackie: [sigh] I do not belong with these heroes. The Ox made me strong. Without it, I'm-

Jade: Hello? The Talismans never made Jackie Chan a hero, you didn't even like to use them! Courage, brains, and heart are your secret weapons, and you've already got those! All you need is proper training! [stands him up] Jackie, I can teach you what you taught me. You game?

Jackie: ...Game.

Jade: Cool! First lesson. The ancient art of butt-whoop starts with breathing. The breath flows to the fingertips, then down to the toes...

Jackie: Let's make history.

Dai Gui: Shendu, and his accursed Talismans!

Tso Lan: Behold! My mastery of Gravity [fires an attack at El Toro, who levitates up using the Rooster Talisman]

El Toro Fuerte: Behold! My mastery of...eh...pollo.

Uncle: [blocking Shendu's heat beams] Jackie, help Uncle search! Stop fooling!

Jackie: Fooling?! [shows Uncle's Dog Talisman] I'm not immortal!

Shendu: Get away from the Book! Surrender, your team has been neutralized!

Jade: Big whoop. [runs to the Book of Ages] If I can't find Shendu's changes, I'll make some of my own! [begins writing] "...and then Jackie grew twenty feet tall."

[Jackie Chan suddenly grows twenty feet]

Paco: Now Jackie is the greatest!

Shendu: YOU! [charges Jade]

Jackie: Shendu! [leaps and kicks Shendu to the ground]

Dai Gui: The girl!

Jade: [writing more] ...Here comes...Super Tohru. [Tohru is transformed into a flying strong superhero, and tosses Dai Gui aside; Jade continues writing] Say hello, to Robo-Viper. [Viper is transformed into a mechanical robot warrior]

Viper: Like nuking fish in a barrel. [blasts Bai Tza]

Paco: [takes the brush from Jade] My turn! [writes and grows El Toro bigger]

Jade: Hey! No fair!

Paco: Now El Toro is the greatest!

Jade: [takes the brush back] Jackie is!

[they fight over the brush, causing El Toro and Jackie to grow bit by bit]

Paco: El Toro!

Jade: No, Jackie!

Paco: El Toro!

Jade: Jackie!

Paco: El Toro!

Jade Jackie!

Paco: El Toro!

Uncle: You want to defeat the demons? Yes? Then write that Uncle banishes the Demons already!

Jade and Paco: Duh!

Jackie: Bad day...for demons!

Jade's Parents: Jade!

Jade: Mom! Dad!

Jade's Mother: Cousin Jackie!

Jade's Father: Uncle!

Jade's Mother: What brings you to Hong Kong?

Tohru: Hong Kong Moose World! [winks at Jade who winks back]

Jade: Uh, look at the watch Jackie got me!

Paco: Moose World? Can I go too?

El Toro Fuerte: What mooses? We were fighting Demo- [is elbowed by Viper]

Viper: Uhhh traffic! We were fighting Hong Kong traffic to visit you.

Jade: So I could show you how much I've learned in America.

Jade's Mother: We know you have been doing very well there, Jade.

Jade's Father: No doubt due to Cousin Jackie's excellent training.

Jackie: In all honesty, it is Jade who sometimes trains me...

The Mother of All Battles [2.14]

Jade: You've been acting all weird lately. [Tohru groans] C'mon, you can tell me! It's Uncle, right? That garlic smell?

Tohru: It's my mother...

Jade: What? Is she sick, or- ...You have a mom?

Jade: What's so yuck about a visit from your mom?

Tohru: [sigh] I am the black sheep. All I have ever wanted was for my mother to be proud of me.

Jade: Well, she will be! Look at you! You're handsome, and big, you've got a...you're big!

Mama Tohru: [upon seeing the antique store] This where you live?! Ugh...you gave up good job with nice Mr. Valmont for this?!

Jade: Nice? Hello, doesn't she know that Valmont's a crook?

Tohru: No...and please do not tell her.

Mama Tohru: Aah, my son. A servant in a junk shop!

Uncle: Junk shop?!

Jade: This is an antique store.

Mama Tohru: Hah! Only antique I see is the billy goat there! [referring to Uncle]

Uncle: Billy goat?!

Tohru: Mommy!

Mama Tohru: Hushup!

Uncle: Dragon lady should watch her forked tongue unless she wants a piece of Uncle!

Mama Tohru: Hah! I would sweep floor with you! And this floor needs it.

Jackie: [answers his phone] Hello?

Captain Black: Hope I didn't catch you in the middle of anything, Jackie.

Jackie: Uh, Uncle and Tohru's mom are getting acquainted.

Captain Black: Ah, family time.

Mama Tohru: [holding a vase] Cheap junk!

Uncle: [takes vase away] Xing Dynasty!

Captain Black: Could be trouble brewing on the horizon.

Jackie: Believe me, I know.

Captain Black: The Octopus will be on exhibit at the Japanese Expo. I'd feel better if you were there to assist with security.

Jackie: Uh, you want me to guard a fish?

Captain Black: Actually, octopuses aren't fish, they're multipods.

Jackie: Octopi...[as Uncle and Mama Tohru continue to bicker] Please, behave!

Captain Black: Sorry, Grammar was never my best subject in school...

Jackie: Oh, you mean the Kyoto Octopus! It is the most famous relic of the Komodo Dynasty.

Captain Black: Intelligence sources that the Yokanawa Crime Family has the octopus in its sights.

Mama Tohru: Huh! Why don't you get some light in here?

Uncle: Thought bats could see in the dark.

Jackie: [to Uncle and Mama Tohru] This must stop!

Captain Black: My thinking exactly. I'll set it up. Thanks for your help, Jackie.

Tohru: Does it have fish?

Restaurant Keeper: This is a sushi restaurant. Everything has fish.

Tohru: ...I hate fish...

Tohru: Grape is my favorite.

Yokanawa Crime Boss: You made a wise choice, Tohru.

Tohru: What do I do?

Yokanawa Crime Boss: Nothing fancy. You cruise into the expo, create a diversion, meanwhile my boys make an endrun, and nab the octopus. One tiny problem. Word is, you double-crossed your old boss, Valmont. That you're a rat.

Tohru: I am no rat!

Yokanawa Thug 1: Prove it!

Tohru: I have information.

Yokanawa Crime Boss: Yeah?

Tohru: Um, Jackie Chan will be working security at the expo.

Yokanawa Thug 2: I heard of him. They say he's unbeatable.

Tohru: [crushes a desk] Nobody is unbeatable.

Yokanawa Crime Boss: I trust you'll take care of this Jackie Chan personally, Tohru. ...And I mean, permanently.

[Jade rides into the expo on a scooter]

Jackie: Jade, how did you get in here?

Jade: Security's lousy.

[as Uncle and Mama Tohru enter the backroom]

Jackie: Uncle!

Tohru: Mommy!

Yokanawa Thug 1: Hey! I said "front door" and to come alone!

Uncle: I told her! [to Mama Tohru] See?! I told you!

Mama Tohru: Nyah! Would have lost your way! Near-sighted mule can barely see hook nose in front of his face!

Uncle: Eyesight good enough to see the hair growing out of that mole!

Mama Tohru: That is a beauty mark!

Yokanawa Crime Boss: Quit the squabbling, and put the fish on the table!

Yokanawa Thug 1: Uhh, boss, technically an octopus is a member of the multipod family, and- [is given a look by his boss] Put the fish on the table!

Danger in the Deep Freeze [2.15]

Jackie: [examining the frozen humanoid] Look at his expression. I wonder what was going through his mind.

Jade: ...Look out behind you.

Jackie: Yes! Perhaps!

Jade: No, I mean look out behind you! [Jackie turns to see armed inuits]

Jade: [showing the frozen humanoid a magazine] ...And this is a tree. They had those back in your day too, just not locally. And these are snow tires!

Inuit Elder: [catching Jackie] Need to work on your sneaking around. Inuits can hear footsteps in snow a mile away.

Uncle: That so?

Jackie: Uncle, Jade! I told you to- [Elder beckons at him with a spear] We are not armed!

Jade: But that doesn't mean we won't go polar on your butt if you don't hand over Dwayne!

Jackie: Jade, please. She means the prehistoric cave creature.

Inuit Elder: No such creature here.

Uncle: Oh, so maybe your sister has big feet? [indicating the creature's large footprint in the snow]

Inuit Elder: [defensive] My sister has tiny feet! She is delicate like a bird!

Jackie: He's no Shaman! That is Peter Bailey, a black marketeer! He steals artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder!

Inuit Elder: But the Shaman has great powers! He can speak to other shamans across the sea through a magical black box!

Jade: [retrieves cell phone from Jackie's pocket] You mean like this? It's called a cell phone, hello? Everybody's got one back where we come from, except for me! [calls the Antique Store]

Uncle's Voicemail: Uncle's Antique! Not here! Call back!

Uncle: You fish?

Inuit Elder: What do you think? I go to a drive through burger place?

Inuit Elder: [in a challenge of Ice Fishing with Uncle, holding up his bait] My secret.

Uncle: Anchovy? Bah! That's nothing but minnows.

Inuit Elder: What do you fish with, worms?

Uncle: [holds up a roll of beans] Mung beans wrapped in tea leaves. Fish take a number to get on hook!

Inuit Elder: Ehhh, big talk no action. [the drop their lines into the water, and almost immediately get a bite] See? I got something!

Uncle: So does Uncle! Big something!

[both withdraw their tangled lines, with no fish, Uncle's bait is gone]

Uncle: Hah! See? My bait gone, yours still on hook!

Inuit Elder: So what?

Uncle: So fish we lost was mine!

Inuit Elder: No that was my fish!

Uncle: My fish!

Inuit Elder: You're a liar!

Uncle: My fish!

Inuit Elder: You cheated!

Into the Mouth of Evil [2.16]

Dr. Weber: [examining Jackie's mouth] Well, I'm afraid you're gonna need a complete jaw transplant, Mr. Chan.

Jackie: Huh?!

Dr. Weber: [laughing] Just kidding! You simply have a displaced filling, we'll have you fixed up in no time. Lisa, prepare a shot of novocaine please.

Jackie: Uh... I don't like needles.

Dr. Weber: Oh, well I could drill without numbing you. [brandishes a dental drill]

Jackie: [intimidated] Okay... numb me, please.

Jade: His mouth's still numb from the dentist. He said, "If the school sends any homework, it's a mistake. Just toss it."

Mohajah: I must move closer. Read his mind...

Jackie: [numb speaking] Here is your ticket, Jade.

Jade: It's so cool you're taking me along on this once in a lifetime educational experience, Uncle Jackie!

[Mohajah reads her mind]

Jade's Mind: Three whole days, no school! Yes!

Jackie: [numb speaking; hugging Uncle] I'll miss you Uncle.

[Mohajah reads his mind]

Jackie's Mind: I'll miss you Uncle.

Jackie: [numb speaking] And don't worry, I won't forget the curry powder.

Uncle: You are a good nephew.

[Mohajah reads his mind]

Uncle's Mind Jackie will forget. He always forgets!

Jade: [seeing Jackie with Martindale; whispers] Go, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade, return to the hotel room! [runs off]

Jade: Didn't say, "Please".

Jade: [stealing a scooter] Sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!

[Jackie is thrown into a market booth; his cellphone rings]

Jackie: Hello?

Uncle: Ah, Jackie! Do not forget curry powder!

Jackie: Okay Uncle, I took care of it. Have to go, bye! [Leaps up; to shopkeeper] Sorry about your shop, send me a bill, thank you! [Runs off]

Jackie: [waking up tied to a chair] Jumba? Ms. Martindale? Dr. Weber? I don't understand!

Jumba: Oh you will in a moment.

Portia: A little novocaine to ease the pain?

Dr. Weber: [brandishing his dental drill] Don't bother, Portia. Mr. Chan hates needles.

Jumba I suppose we owe you an explanation, Jackie. You've heard of the Sutras of Raktajiba, yes?

Jackie: Only at your museum. You said they were just a legend.

Jumba: I lied. You see, the Sutras do very much exist. [Holds Jackie's filling up under a magnifying glass, revealing inscriptions]

Jackie: In my filling!

Jumba: Magnificent, are they not? A 3000 word incantation, painstakingly inscribed by skilled sorcerers onto a piece of silver no larger than a grain of basmati rice.

Portia: Legend foretells that when the Sutras are returned to the Ganges, the river will dry up.

Jackie: That would be- So, those thieves who have been after me, you've been trying to stop them!

Jumba: Well, no. Actually, they've been trying to stop us. They are not truly thieves, you see. They are Disciples of Mohajah.

Jackie: Who?

Portia: Oh, a do-gooder-mystic. A psychic. Claims his mission is to protect India from evil magic.

Jumba: Mohajah suspected I was in possession of the Sutras, and planning to transport them here to India.

Dr. Weber: But none of us could carry the Sutras without the Mohajah knowing it; that mind reading power of his... real nuisance.

Jackie: So you had to find a courier who did not know he was carrying the Sutras. Me.

Portia: We so appreciate your help, Jackie.

Jackie: But that means you want to dry up the Ganges River! Why?

Jumba: Have you no sense of vision man? Do you not realize what treasures lie on the riverbed? Centuries worth of artifacts; silver, gold, riches beyond measure, there for the taking!

Jackie: Millions of people depend upon the river for farming, and travel, and- Lives will be destroyed!

Portia: Our Jackie's a bit of a sentimentalist. So sweet! But really, one must have priorities. We're talking about the archaeological event of the millennium. If a few people must be inconvenienced... [shrug]

Jackie: You are bad people! All of you!

Jumba: Yes, soon to be very rich people!

Jade: Hyah! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!

Jackie: Jade?! I told you to go back to the hotel room!

Jade: Lost my key. Okay, now. Let the Chan Man go.

Portia: Dr. Weber, give the child a lollipop.

Jade: Don't sucker me, sucker!

Lost City of the Muntabs [2.17]

Jackie: I cannot believe I'm stuck in the jungle with such a spoiled brat.

Jade: You invited me!

Jackie: I was talking about him. [beckons to Smith] Mr. Smith, please. We must stay together. There are many dangers in the bush!

Smith: Yes, yes, so you keep saying. [to his butler] Hop to it, Larsen.

Jade: Why don't we ditch Frik and Frak and have some real fun? Go swinging with the monkeys, or wrestle a crocodile! Whaddya say, Big J?

Jackie: I'm sorry Jade, but you must learn that growing up sometimes means having to do things that are not fun.

Jade: Pfft. Like guiding obnoxious jerks through the jungle just because they give lots of money to the museum?

Jackie: Uhhh... yes.

Jade: In that case, I never wanna grow up. [eyes widen] What am I saying? I can't wait to grow up! Get my own car, cellphone- which now that you mention it-

Jackie: I didn't mention it.

Smith: [holding the Chalice of Life] Everything I've ever hoped for, Larsen! Right here, right now! Eternal youth; eternal life!

Larsen: Perhaps you would like me to sample it first, sir? To make sure it's safe?

Smith: Uh, no that won't be necessary. Oh you don't think I'd leave you out of this, old friend? After all your years of faithful service?

Larsen: Well, I had hoped-

Smith: Larsen, I want you by my side to serve me forever!

Larsen: Oh goodie...

The Lotus Temple [2.18]

Jade: I'm in the woods, I'm tired, cold, and hungry. And I'm being hunted! [shines flashlight on Jackie] Ah!

Jackie: Jade, I thought you were going to gather firewood.

Jade: Hello?! Have you learned nothing from the movies? Whoever gets the firewood is always the creeping terror's first victim.

Jackie: So that's what happened to the other little girl I sent for firewood.

Jade: Very funny.

Monk: Perhaps the little monkey is closer than you think. [shows Jackie Chan the Lotus Temple]

Jackie: The Lotus Temple! Are you coming?

Monk: I will wait here. I would not want to... intrude.

Monk: Ancient wisdom; the worm realizes he's bait, only after the fish bites.

Jade: Uncle Jackie, the sun's coming up!

Jackie: Good.

Jade: You don't understand! The temple vanishes at dawn, and anyone inside goes with it!

Jackie: How many crazy rules does this temple have?!

The Curse of El Chupacabra [2.19]

Jackie: Incredible.

Jade: Incredibly boring. What kind of lame pyramid is this? No mummy curses, no booby traps, no bonus points.

Jackie: This is not a video game, Jade. This is important research.

Villager: It is just as we told El Toro! The Chupacabra attacked our house!

Jackie: And what exactly did the creature look like?

Villager Child: It was giant with glowing red eyes, four fangs, oh claws too, and it howled like this: Arooooo!

Jade: Yup. Sounds like a chimichanga to me.

El Toro: Fear not. The beast is no match against El Toro, the Bull!

Jackie: And El Jackie, th- ...the Chan!

[Uncle kicks door open]

Uncle: The flight was delayed, the food was terrible, the movie had no plot, and I had turbulence!

Showdown in the Old West [2.20]

Uncle: Ghost?

Jade: Kinda. [looking at an old book depicting one of Jackie's ancestors] The ghost of Jackie.

Jackie: [picking up the book] "The Hong Kong Kid".

Uncle: Aiya! Do not scare Uncle like that!

Jackie: Amazing! The picture looks just like me! This book must be about my great-great grandfather!

Uncle: Fine, take home. Make good bedtime story.

Jade: I want to hear it now.

Jackie: Me too!

Hong Kong Kid (Jackie): Uh, howdy partners.

Cowboy Thug: Well looky here boys. We got us a railroad worker.

Large Thug: Railroad workers ain't allowed in this here establishment, ain't that right, Moreen?

Moreen: I don't want no trouble here!

Hong Kong Kid: Oh, no trouble ma'am. I would just like a ginger ale, with lots of ice please. Very thirsty. I've been working on the railroad... [the thugs sit next to him] Uh... all the live long day?

[a very well dressed, well behaved young woman arrives via stagecoach]

Niece (Jade): Uncle Jackie?

Hong Kong Kid: Uh, I am Jackie.

Niece (Jade): I am your niece. Just arrived from Hong Kong.

[outside the story]

Jade: This is so cool! She's my long lost, great-great something or other! I bet you she looked exactly like me.

Jackie: Uh, actually it says here that the Sheriff's niece was very tall, and fifteen years old.

Jade: Must be a type-o.

[the well dressed niece is replaced by a younger, rowdy looking niece resembling Jade]

Shendu: I grow impatient, Valmont! I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery?

Mayor Valmont: Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. [Finn and Ratso walk into the cave] You see?

Outlaw Ratso: Uh, ran into a little trouble.

Outlaw Finn: That sheriff you hired.

Mayor Valmont: You didn't get the gold?!

Shendu: Fools!

Outlaw Finn: Hey, hold on Shen-dude! Ain't exactly like we came back empty-handed! [Ratso clicks, and a horse enters the cave] Got the horse off the stagecoach just like you asked.

Shendu: I didn't want the horse, I wanted the Horse TALISMAN!

Outlaw Ratso: Oh... uh, what's a talisman?

Peddler (Uncle): Who will be the first to try my Shanghai Surprise Elixer? Very powerful, good for digestion!

Niece (Jade): Hi, remember me?

Peddler (Uncle): Ah, girl from Hong Kong. Look different. Thought you were fifteen, and taller.

Niece (Jade): It was a type-o!

Origami [2.21]

Inspector: You claim a fold-up man stole ze painting, slipped between ze bars, transformed into a bird, and flew away?

Jackie: I'll show you. [takes a page of the inspector's notes, begins folding the paper] He bent like this, folded like that, twisted over, then again, then he looked just like this! [opens his hand to reveal a crumpled ball] Uh, but more bird shaped.

Inspector: Monsieur Chan, I will thank you not to destroy my notes, si vous plait!

Jade: Hi Jackie.

Jackie: Jade! You're supposed to be taking a tour of Paris.

Jade. Tch. You've obviously never been on the tour bus with Uncle.

[flashback to the tour bus]

Uncle: You drive too fast! How can Uncle see the sights?! Slow down!

Jackie: That was useless! I already knew the thief could fold up.

Jade: Yeah, but now we also know that he steals the finest Far East Art.

Viper: Hey, the kid's a good listener.

Jackie: How come you never listen to the things I say? For example, "Stay with Uncle"?

Jade: Aw man...

Jackie: Scissors beats paper!

Agent Tag [2.22]

Captain Black: Gentlemen, we have an emergency. Criminal Mastermind Dr. Ashby Necrosis is back.

Agent: Dr. Necrosis? The Kingpin of Techno-crime?

Captain Black: The same. Reports are that he has developed a cutting edge high tech doomsday device. The entire world is in jeopardy. We've located what we believe to be the Doctor's base, the Necropolis, inside this dormant volcano. Someone must infiltrate the Necropolis and destroy the Doomsday weapon.

Agent: I suggest Taggart McStone.

Captain Black: Unfortunately, Agent Tag retired last year. He left the spy game forever.

[the agent peels off a mask to reveal he's actually Agent Tag]

Agent Tag: Never say forever.

Captain Black: Agent Tag!

Agent Tag: I'll require the standard infiltration package, my briefcase, and a fresh suit. Italian, of course.

Captain Black: Of course.

Agent Tag: Who are you? Why are you following me?

Jade: Uhhh, Captain Black sent me!

Agent Tag: Hmmm, a little girl with dark hair who tags along and is an obvious liar. I've heard of you! You're Jade! Section 13 has classified you as the ultimate security risk! You've jeopardized my mission!

Jade: Whoa. You need to calm down, Captain Blood Pressure.

Dr. Necrosis: Hoyle, I have deduced the identity of our intruder; Taggart McStone.

Hoyle: [playing with a deck of cards] That wild card's still in the game? But I thought he folded last year.

Dr. Necrosis: There is no one else it could be. He is the only human capable of infiltrating my Necropolis! Oh how I long to meet my nemesis face to face. You won't ruin his face, will you?

Hoyle: [throws a playing card at a vase, slicing it in half] No promises.

Dr. Necrosis: For years, he has foiled all my techno-plans, but this time, we have the Druid Stone, and even Agent Tag cannot defeat its ancient magic! The world is ours!

Hoyle: [playing more with his cards] We hold all the cards! We have the upper hand! We-

Dr. Necrosis: We could take it down a notch with the card puns.

Hoyle: [holding his playing cards] All hands on deck, Agent Tag!

Jackie: [kicks him over] I am not Agent Tag!

Hoyle: Don't try to bluff me, it doesn't suit you! [throws more cards at Jackie, and traps him in a vortex of cards] Druid Stone is secure, and inform the good doctor that we have a bonus jackpot onboard. A certain joker who claims he isn't Agent Tag.

Dr. Necrosis: You are not what I expected, Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffoon was most convincing.

Jackie: [secured to a table] But I am not Agent Tag. I am Jackie Chan, a researcher.

Dr. Necrosis: Of course if you were Agent Tag, you would deny it emphatically.

Jackie: No, I would claim to be Agent Tag, assuming you would not believe me.

Dr. Necrosis: But I would anticipate your assumption that I would not believe you!

Jackie: I would foresee your anticipating my assumption of your not believing!

Dr. Necrosis: But how could you predict I wouldn't expect your forseeing my anticipation of your assuming my not believing? Ha! Answer me that.

Jackie: I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID!

Dr. Necrosis: Precisely what I expected you to say... Agent Tag.

Agent Tag: And that's how I reached Arecibo in time to rescue the Chans.

Captain Black: That's why you're our top agent, Tag.

Jade: [growls] "Rescue the Chans"? We did all the hard stuff!

Jackie: It's alright, Jade. Let it go.

Agent Tag: Now if I can finish my crossword, this day will truly be a success. Six letters, Celtic Pig Goddess...

Jackie: [falling asleep] Moccas. M-O-C-C-A-S.

Agent Tag: Mr. Chan, you're a genius!

Jade: Nope. Just a researcher.

The Return of the Pussycat [2.23]

Jackie: Is it Halloween already?

Jade: [dressed as Mr. Hyde] You forgot, didn't you? Tonight's the school play! I'm Dr. Jekyell and Mr. Hyde, it's my big debut!

Jackie: Ohhhhh, I am sorry, Jade. But the university asked Uncle and me to explore the subterranean city underneath the streets.

Jade: Uh-huh...

Jackie: No, it's true! A recent tremor has opened a passageway to parts of San Francisco which have been buried since the 1906 earthquake. Another tremor may collapse the passageway at any moment. So there's not much time.

Jade: But... my play...

Jackie: I am sorry. I would rather see your play, but I have to do this now, and I cannot be in two places at the same time.

Jackie-Light: I am very disappointed in you, Jade. You know that playing with magic is a no-no!

Jackie-Dark: A no-no??? [mockingly] Oh no, say it ain't so!

Jade: "Our journey"? Uncle's going underground too? Isn't anyone gonna come see me be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?!

Jackie-Light: [bursts from the closet] I WOULD LOVE TO! Oh the theatre, the theatre!

Jade: Uh-uh. No way am I showing up at school with him.

Jackie-Dark: I know exactly how you feel.

Jackie-Light: Yoo-hoo! Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Excuse me! I must ask you to return to the museum.

Spring Heel Jack: Simon Magus tried to stop me, he gave me quite a run. But I shall dine on his descendants; one by one by one! [jumps over and grabs both Jackie-Light and Uncle] Are you helping Magus? A relative perhaps? No, I guess the two of you are just a pair of saps.

Simone Magus: And so, Dr. Jekyll believed that he could separate the good from the evil in man.

Jade: Nice read, Simone. [playing Dr. Jekyll] With this potion, I will prove my scientific theories to the world! But what if I'm wrong? Heavens! The results could be disastrous!

Jackie-Dark: [from the audience] Come on, Doc! Pick up the pace! Turn into Mr. Hyde, and terrorize the town already!

Jade: You think you could do better?

Jackie-Dark: Don't mind if I do! [leaps up on stage, takes the potion from Jade and drinks it, gagging a bit] This tastes terrible.

Jade: Maybe I shouldn't have brought the Tiger.

Spring Heel Jack: Magus, Magus, wherever you are, Spring Heel Jack will not be far!

[crowd is laughing derisively]

Simone Magus: Uhhh Dr. Jekyll wanted to be good, but he soon lost control of himself to his evil side, uh Mr. Hyde.

Jackie-Dark: [overacting] This potion is wonderful! Evil Hyde is much cooler than old goody goody Jekyll! HA HA HA!

Uncle: Two Jackies equals one big headache!

Spring Heel Jack: Your head, it must be very thick, if you think I'll fall for just one kick.

Jackie-Dark: Catchy. [pops neck; attempts to drop- kick Spring Heel Jack, only to miss and fall into the bay]

Jackie-Light: [tapping Spring Heel Jack's shoulder] Excuse me, Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Why don't we sit down and talk about this like gentlemen?

Spring Heel Jack: Back so soon? How can it be? Your clothes aren't even watery.

[Jackie-Light and Spring Heel Jack briefly fight]

Jackie-Light: Do you enjoy being a meanie?!

Spring Heel Jack: I confess. YES!

[the Tiger Talisman splits Spring Heel Jack into his Yin and Yang personalities]

Spring Heel Jack-Light: [to Simone Magus] I hope we didn't frighten you by acting so ferocious. Please forgive my other self, his manners are atrocious.

Spring Heel Jack-Dark: This child must be made to pay for what Magus did that fateful day!

Spring Heel Jack-Light: Your sweet revenge has just been soured. I will not let her be devoured!

Spring Heel Jack: [bound by curtains] A curse upon my lighter side! He told the secret I would hide! [Uncle sprinkles him with salt, slowly transforming him to stone] Without him, you'd have never known that salt will turn me back to... [completely petrified]

Uncle: Stone?

Scouts Honor [2.24]

[after Jackie is teleported to Uncle's Store]

Uncle: Jackie! Did not expect you until tonight!

Jackie: You and I both Uncle. I believe this necklace has magical powers.

Jade: Cool, can I check it out?

Jackie: No Jade. This necklace could be very dangerous.

Jade: Everything is very dangerous! Traveling to Venice, digging for artifacts, wearing jewelry...

Buttercup Scout: Greetings, campers! I'm a Buttercup Scout, and my Troop is trying to raise money by selling these delicious boxes of-

[Tohru bursts through the door, smashing Jackie accidentally]

Tohru: Cookies!

Buttercup Scout: What kind would you like, Mister? We have Vanilla Cream, Chocolate Mint, Oatmeal Raisin...

Tohru: Uh, may I have them all?

Buttercup Scout: You sure may! Will that be check, or- [Tohru hands her a handful of cash] Cool!

Tohru: I have heard that scouting builds character. I have also heard that scouts receive a discount on cookies.

The King and Jade [2.25]

King Lili: [after Jackie dispatches some thugs] That was amazing the way you defeated those men single-handedly!

Jade: [invisible due to the Snake Talisman] Hello? What am I, invisible? ... Oh. Yeah.

King Lili: Who are you?

Jade: I'm uh, part of your security team. Jackie's partner. Name's Jade.

King Lili: And you can become invisible? Can all bodyguards do that?

Jade: [revealing the Snake Talisman] Only if they have one of these babies.

King Lili: Ah, a talisman!

Jade: A magic talisman!

King Lili: May I see? [Jade hesitates, but gives him the Snake Talisman] How does it work?

Jade: You just squeeze it in your hand. Uh, but I don't think- [King Lili becomes invisible] Yup. Heh. You learn fast, now open your hand and become visible again. [no response] Uh... King? Your majesty? Lili?! I can't believe it! Lili pulled a Jade!

Enter the Cat [2.26]

Jackie: [opening the box, revealing a black cat statue] The Cat of Khartoum.

Jade: That's it? Looks like something you'd buy at a swap-meet for a buck.

Valmont: [appearing from around a corner] Worth quite a bit more, young lady.

Jackie: Valmont!

Valmont: Thanks ever so for finding the Cat for me, Chan. Now hand it over!

Jackie: No! It belongs to the museum!

[as Finn and Ratso approach]

Jade: Hey, maybe you haven't heard, but possession is nine tenths of the law!

Ratso: [taking out some nunchucks] Yeah? And this here's the other two tenths!

Jackie: You need to work on your math!

Finn: Yeah? My math's good enough to know that three against one ain't very good odds.

Valmont: Spare me the gladiator scene. Just get the merchandise!

Valmont: [after perfectly landing from a large fall] Fantastic! I've never felt so alive! [proceeds to leap up the cliff past Jackie] Something about the Statue, Chan. It's good luck! [leaves]

Jackie: Good luck, or bad magic?

Jackie: [cellphone rings] Is that you, Uncle?

Uncle: No. It is a magazine salesman calling you at five o'clock in morning!

Jackie: Oh, sorry. It's almost lunchtime here.

Uncle: Uncle has been researching the Cat of Khartoum.

Jackie: Yes, and did you discover any unusual legends or-

Uncle: Getting to that! According to legend, anyone who gets scratched by claw of statue-

Jackie: Becomes like a cat themself!

Uncle: Bah! You already know so much! Why you bother me?

Jackie: There is one thing I do not know, Uncle. What is the antidote?

Uncle: Antidote?! Do not get scratched by claw of cat!

Jackie: I mean, how do you reverse the process? Or are you getting to that?

Uncle: No! Getting to bed! Call you back later!

[Ratso and Finn sit in front of a fully transformed cat-like representation of Valmont]

Finn: Dude, check it out. [Valmont chugs a large jar of creamer] Uh, want a little coffee with your cream there, Big-V? [Valmont ignores him and just licks his fingers]

Ratso: I'll give him one thing; he's very tidy.

Finn: I say we collect the dough for this thing pronto, get Valmont to a doctor. Maybe there's some kind of cure.

Ratso: Don't you mean... a veterinarian?

[Finn and Ratso snicker]

Valmont (Cat): I heard that. In fact, my hearing has become quite accute. There is no cure, because this is not a disease. It's a transformation. And I rather like the new me.

Valmont (Cat): [laughing playfully while hitting tassles] Tassles! I never realized what pleasure they can give.

Valmont (Cat): [clawing through a wall] Here's Tabby!

Pleasure Cruise [2.27]

Jackie: [after surviving a fall from a skyscraper by using a flag as a parachute and landing in front of many bewildered onlookers] Uh... The elevator is too slow.

Jackie: The cargo ship was not a secure enough transport. The museum decided that with the thieves still at large, the Golden Dragon will instead travel to Hong Kong on the last place anyone would think to look; a cruise ship. I will accompany it.

Jade: Tch. You lucked out.

Jackie: Yes. The only problem is that the museum has given me a two room suite. I do not know what to do with all the extra space.

Jade: I'm going on a cruise! Yes!

Jackie: Heh heh, all of us are going. Uncle, Tohru...

Uncle: Pah! Uncle does not cruise. Uncle does inventory!

Jackie: Uncle, when was the last time you took a real vacation?

Uncle: Let me see. Three, four, carry the one, never! So why start now?

Tohru: I will stay here.

Jade: Tohru? Hello?! Swimming pools? Whale watching? All the shrimp you can eat? [Tohru glares at her] Okay, strike that. All the pizza you can eat?

Tohru: I... cannot travel on a ship.

Jade: Tch. Knew I shouldn't have taken you to see Titanic. That was just a movie, Tohru.

Jackie: Where are you going, Uncle?

Uncle: To lifeboat! Row back to shore!

Mama Tohru: Good! I have better things to do than hang around with junk seller! I visit with my boy, relax, play a little Mahjong...

Uncle: [interested] You play Mahjong?

Mama Tohru: No, I win at Mahjong. Five-time All Kyoto Finalist!

Uncle: Hong Kong Community Center Champion 1955. Beat you with one hand tied behind back!

Mama Tohru: Ha! Big talker! How about you put your tiles where your mouth is?

[loading up lifeboats]

Ship Officer: We're near capacity, Captain!

Ship Captain: Boats can and will accommodate every passenger and crewmember!

Ship Officer: But we've never really had anyone... his size. [everyone looks at Tohru]

Tohru: That boat, bobbing up and down? I will stay here.

Mama Tohru: If my baby not going, I'm not going. Bah. Take the Billy Goat!

Uncle: Hah! Nice try! Could not leave ship until I whoop you at Shuffleboard! Take Jade!

The Chosen One [2.28]

Uncle: Kindly forgive the brutish behavior of my apprentice. [takes away Tohru's Chinese Takeout food] He offers you his meal as an apology.

Ben-Shui Monk: Oh, we would never eat his food.

Uncle: You do not like moo shu?

Uncle: [rolling out a mattress] Uncle is too old for this!

Jade: [rolling out a mattress] Tch. I'm too old for this!

Jackie: [rolling out a mattress] Let's just try to make the best of- [mattresses are pulled out from under them] Oof!

Jade: Hey!

Uncle: Huh?!

[mattresses are stacked up for Tohru]

Ben-Shui Monk: When the Chosen One sleeps well, everyone is rested!

Jade: Pillow fight! Whoa!

'[Uncle grabs Jade by her arm]

Uncle: You are too young to watch battle with the forces of darkness!

Jade: Aw...

Uncle: Oh! Tohru! Uncle has the willies!

Tohru: Willies?

Uncle: Dark Chi must be near!

Uncle: [after Tohru disappears; to Jackie] You are a lousy Champion! You let the Chosen One out of your sight!

Uncle: Jade! [pulls her in and slams the door] You are still too young.

Jade: Aw!

[Jade finds Tohru washing dishes]

Jade: The Chosen One is a cleanser of souls, not a washer of dishes.

Tohru: [sigh] But I do not want to be the Chosen One.

Jade: Tch. Why not? You have your own personal champion, and servants who wade on you, hand and foot.

Tohru: I am not accustomed to such treatment, Jade. I enjoy serving people, especially those I like.

Jade: Well, maybe washing dishes isn't the only way to help. Did you see how happy you made those villagers? The Chosen One serves too, in a different kind of way.

Tohru: Perhaps you are right.

Jade: [grabs plate] Good, 'cause you missed a spot. You are so fired!

Daolon Wong: Step aside, wizard! Your tepid spells cannot stop me!

Uncle: Be warned! I was a student of Chi Master Fong!

Daolon Wong: And I am Daolon Wong, the Dark Master who defeated Fong!

Uncle: [gasp] You will PAY for that!

Glove Story [2.29]

Jackie: I'm sorry, but this find belongs to the museum.

Haggis: Uh...your name is "The Museum"?

Jade: Jackie! [leaps on him]

Jackie: Hello.

Jade: [gasp; takes Greenbeard's Gloves] Are these from Greenbeard's ship? Can I keep 'em, please? I've been reading all about Greenbeard!

Jackie: You've been reading? For pleasure?

Jade: Tch. Not like there's anything else to do around here! [picks up nearby book] "The meanest pirate of them all! Greenbeard swore he would keep stealing forever, even after he died. Argh!" How cool was he?

Jackie: There is nothing "cool" about stealing, Jade.

Jade: Aw...

Tohru: Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings after I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now.

Uncle: Instead, he lives under the supervision of his parole officer! [reveals Mahjong hand] So Tohru is free to lose as many games of Mahjong as he likes!

Jackie: So, do you think- could you please pull a few more strings?

Captain Black: I want to Jackie, but my hands are tied this time.

Jackie: I really thought Tohru had left his past behind.

Captain Black: So did I, but the sad truth is some people never change.

Tough Luck [2.30]

[Finn is dreaming of the Dark Hand performing with a rock band in front of an audience; mid-way through their song, Jackie leaps from a helicopter and grabs Finn by his collar]

Finn: But... we're not even doing anything wrong!

Jackie: You are off-key. [punches Finn]

Customer: [inspecting a vase] Is this late Yuan Dynasty or early Ming?

Tohru: Uh... It is from China. [Customer leaves the shop]

Uncle: [scoffs] You are a terrible salesman! You must know the merchandise.

Jade: Uncle's right, Tohru. For example, this lovely lamp is from the junk dyansty.

Jackie: You are not helping, Jade.

[in sales training, holding a painted duck]

Tohru: Uh... Note the hand painted details and um... [clears throat] Duck shape?

Jackie: How nice. I will take two.

Uncle: Aiya! Tohru, you must mention its age. And Jackie, I did not believe your performance for a second.

Jade: Oh Uncle! Somebody made a sale.

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: But wait! I also made an acquisition. [holds the Emerald of Killarney]

Uncle: AIYA!

[This last exclamation echoes repeatedly into the world]

Uncle: Infamous Emerald of Killarney. Feared throughout the world.

Jade: Feared?

Uncle: That stone carries an Irish curse bringing endless bad luck to whomever possesses it. Jade, you are cursed!

Jade: Really? I don't feel cur- [wind suddenly blows money from her hand into a candle flame] I'M CURSED!

Jade: I got you into this, at least let me help get you out! Besides, you can't go to Ireland by yourself. You're cursed.

Jackie: I can handle a little bad luck Jade.

Uncle: Not without Uncle's lucky charms. [gives him a Garlic necklace] Garlic, good for digestion, and for luck. One more thing. [hands him a live rabbit] Rabbit's feet. They work better when they are still on the rabbit. [gives him a handful of radishes] And keep these with you at all times, or else...

Jackie: Or else what?

Uncle: The rabbit will get hungry!

Beat-up Man: [beckons to Uncle's Shop] That's where I unloaded the Emerald.

Ratso: Chan?!

Chow: He has the stone?!

Finn: Of all the rotten luck!

Ratso: Maybe we should track down a different emerald.

Finn: Yo, I'm the boss, and I say we're getting this emerald! Hey, maybe Chan was too much for the Dark Hand, but we are the Finn Experience!

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Uncle may go for garlic and rabbits, but we both know I'm your real good luck charm.

Jackie: Jade, you are going back right- [suddenly pinched] Ow!

Man: Top of the morning to ya.

Jackie: You're going back- [pinched again] Ow! You're- [pinched again] Ow! Why does everyone keep doing that?!

Jade: 'Cause this is Ireland, you're not wearing green, and it's kinda St. Patrick's Day.

Jackie: [cellphone rings] Hello?

Uncle: Jackie, I have been doing more research. Tohru is performing an Irish Good Luck spell for you. Is it working?

Jackie: Don't- [pinched] Ow! -think so.

Uncle: You call that an Irish Jig, Tohru? That spell says you must River Dance! [to Jackie] One more thing. To avoid bad luck, always wear a belt, beware of men named Seamus, and never stand with your back to an open door.

Jackie: Are you making these up?

Uncle: Do you want Uncle's help or not?!

Jackie: [backs away from an open door] Bah! Open door! [backs into Finn, Ratso, and Chow] Ah! The Dark Hand?!

Finn: Not anymore. We are Finn and the Revolution!

Ratso: I thought we were the Finn Experience.

Finn: Eh, I'm still playing around with names.

Finn: [grabbing Jackie] No one escapes from Finn, Wind, and Fire!

Chow: We never made this kind of coin working for the Dark Hand!

Ratso: The Rolling Finns rock!

Finn: My solo debut just went triple platinum!

Finn: Face it, Chan. You're no match for Finn Halen! Now give me the emerald!

Jackie: ... willingly. [gives the emerald, and the curse to Finn]

Finn: So, how does it feel to be a loser, Chan?

Jackie: Actually, I feel lucky.

The Amazing T-Girl! [2.31]

Captain Black: I'm very sorry about this.

Uncle: You should be sorry! We are not used to travelling with outsiders! You are ruining our Feng Shui!

Captain Black: Uh, I meant about the Talismans. I just couldn't get the rocks to work their magic!

Jade: [grabbing the Rooster Talisman from Black's backpack] You gotta have the right touch.

Jackie: [grabs the Talisman and puts it back] Jade...

Jade: Not even for demonstration purposes?

Jackie: No.

Jade: [snaps her finger, unknowingly activating the Monkey Talisman power] Rats. [transforms a nearby boulder into a statue of rats]

Ben-Shui Monk: Do not be concerned, friends. The power of the Talismans, lies within.

Jackie: You got them back?

Black: Jackie, Jackie... the Holy man speaks in the mystical sense, as in, May the force be with you, or We are the world. Right?

Monk: Oh, no no. The power of the Talismans, truly lies within.

Jade: [easily lifting up two monks in chairs] Jackie, check it out! I'm super strong! [runs around fast] Super fast, [turns invisible] super gone, [transformers into a monkey] super chimp, [reverts to herself] super Talisman powered! [grabs a green cloth and wears it like a cape] I'm T-Girl!

Jackie: [shocked] How?!

Jade: Not sure. But I think each finger controls a different power. Which would leave two unaccounted for.

Jackie: Not what I meant!

Jade: Oh, not sure how it happened. Maybe... [realizes] When I got zapped in the vault! Duh. [smacks her forehead, unleashing the Pig Talisman's Heat Beam power, blowing a hole in the temple] Whoa! So that's how I do heat beam eyes! Maybe dragon blast is my belly button!

Jackie: No Jade, no dragon blast!

Uncle: Power must be returned to their proper vessels with a restoration spell.

Jade: Aw...

Uncle: But we must first retrieve the Talismans themselves.

Jade: Well what are we waiting for? Let's find Wong and stomp his ancient troub-

[Jackie grabs her]

Jackie: No.

Jade: But Jackie, I have the power!

Jackie: Which Daolon Wong wants. Which is why you must stay here. Safe.

[After Uncle, Jackie, and Black have been captured and trapped in the ground by Daolon Wong]

Uncle: Do not waste your strength, someone will come.

Jackie: Let us hope it's not a wolf.

Black: Or a yeti. [pause] Well they have those here, right?

Daolon Wong: Hand over the girl!

Jade: Come and get me! [blows a raspberry at Daolon Wong, resulting in her activating the Dragon Talisman's power from her mouth]

[after trying to heal Supermoose with the Horse Talisman, which actually uses the Dragon Talisman's power and destroys Supermoose]

Jade: Uh, what was the Dragon Blast doing in the Horse Talisman?

Jade: Jackie? Hello? I may be a rag doll, but I'm still T-Girl.

Jackie: Oh!

The Chan Who Knew Too Much [2.32]

Jackie: [after stumbling into a secret meeting] Uh, hello. Sorry to interrupt your function. I'll just find my way-

Magister Leader: Thou knoweth too much! Thou must be smoten!

Magister Leader: He seeketh to learn the mysteries of our fortress!

[Jackie runs into a room, which the Magisters follow him into]

Magister Leader: He has spied, the secret library!

Jackie: Umm, library? What library? [runs again into another room]

Magister Leader: He hath discovered the hidden armory!

Jackie: I'm just looking for an exit! [runs down a hall into another room]

Magister Leader: Ehh! He hath entered the private water closet!

Magister: He is privy to our privy!

Jackie: Captain Black?

Captain Black: Jackie! How's England?

Jackie: Dangerous. I fell into a hidden fortress, and men in robes attacked me with magic spe-

Captain Black: NO NO! The M-word Jackie! My superiors already think I'm cracking up! And they're istening-le to my ohne calls-phe!

Magister 1: [pointing to Jackie's cell phone] You have knaved to others of the Magisters!

Jackie: Magisters?

Magister 2: He knoweth our name!

Jackie: He just said it!

Uncle: [hitting the fax machine with a broom] Tohru! The giant phone is possessed!

Magister: Thou has faxed our insignia!

Jackie: It didn't go through!

Jade: [handcuffed to Jackie; to Magister Constable] Give us the key!

Jackie: Jade... Please give us the key!

Magister Constable: Halt! Ye shall be smoten, post-haste!

Magister Constable: Methinks yon varlet wisheth to challenge us in armed combat.

Jackie: No! I don't wisheth that at alleth!

Magister Constable: Yon twain knoweth nothing of our magicks!

Jackie: That is what I have been trying to tell you!

Jackie: We have to get help before they find us again.

Jade: Tch. From who?! We're fresh out of proper authorities! Anybody here could be another Magister, Captain Black has magic issues, the only one who will help us is Uncle, and he can't even use a fax machine!

Jackie: You're right, we are on our own, so we had better find out exactly what they don't want us to know.

[after Jackie and Jade discover the Magisters are responsible for stealing Stonehenge]

Magister Leader: Deny it no further! Thou knoweth too much!

Jade: Well duh! We do now!

Jade: For somebody who likes his privacy, this dude is such a blabbermouth!

Jade: Okay, let's try this one more time! [calls Uncle] Uncle! Evil wizards stole Stonehenge and-

Uncle: Jackie told me, so we did research. Jade, the wizards are called Magisters.

Jade: I know-

Uncle: One more thing. Their society is very secretive.

Jade: I know-

Uncle: One more thing. They use magic words to cast spells.

Jade: I know-

Uncle: One more thing...

[as Uncle casts Chi Spells over the phone to combat the Magisters]

Jackie: He can understand sending a spell through the phone, but not a piece of paper?

Shrink Rap [2.33]

Hak Foo: Rabid hamster climbs wheel!

Jackie: [as Hak Foo rolls down a hill on a water mill] Hak Foo really rolls with the punches.

Jade: Jackie, no!

[after Jackie and Hak Foo are shrunk]

Jackie: [noticing a giant shoe] SHOE!

Hak Foo: No one "shoo's" me! [is kicked my the giant shoe]

Uncle: This antidote will release from detention he who is trapped in another dimension.

[a portal opens and an amphibious monster appears]

Jade: Uhhh, Jackie?

Amphibious Monster: [British Accent] It's just me, but thank you ever so much for freeing me from that beastly limbo.

Uncle: ... Not Jackie.

[Tohru enters with a tray of cookies]

Amphibious Monster: [sniffs the air] Aah, lunch!

Tohru: Uhh, cookie?

Amphibious Monster: [eyeing Jade] What's a cookie? [roars, frightening Jade and Uncle]

Uncle: Go away! [the amphibious monster is sent back through the portal] I must find another spell.

Jade: You think?!

Jackie: [while fighting in Tohru's ear] Tohru, you must stop Uncle. I am inside your head!

Tohru: Sensei, Jackie says he is inside my head.

Uncle: [Uncle gasps] There is no room to grow inside there.

Jade: Tohru's head is going to go Scanner?

Jackie: Stop! Do not take that which does not belong to you, uh, mortal!

Hak Foo: Shiva speaks?

[Jackie gasps]

Hak Foo: With a familiar voice.

[Hak Foo destroys the statue's body. Leaving only Shiva's head on Jackie]

Jackie: Shiva runs too!

Jackie: [squeaky voice] Tohru! [normal voice] Tohru, it's me! Jackie! Jackie! [squeaky voice] Jackie!

Hak Foo: Rampaging rhino runs!

Jackie: No rhino! No ramming!

I'll Be A Monkey's Puppet [2.34]

Jade: But Jackie, I can't take first prize at the talent show if I don't have a talent!

Jackie: Jade, you have a fine talent. For getting into trouble.

Jade: Har. Har.

Uncle: You bought this from my competition?!

Jade: [playing with the Monkey King puppet, and the eyebrow breaks off] Hey, it broke!

Uncle: Because it is junk! Kai Ching steals my business by selling cheap trinkets!

Jackie: But Kai Ching said it was one of a kind. [Uncle cuffs him twice] Ow! Ow!

Uncle: And that is TWO of a kind to teach you that bringing my competitors goods into my shop invites bad Chi! One more thing. Do you see any Monkey Kings in here? No? That is because the Monkey King is known for his love of mischief! [looks at the puppet] And he is creepy looking!

Jackie: Uncle, please. It is only a puppet, and Jade's talent show is tomorrow.

Uncle: You will be sorry.

[after the Monkey King transforms Jackie into a puppet and defeats Tohru]

Uncle: We are dealing with a very sick mind.

Jade: Uncle, you have to do something!

Uncle: I am not Geppetto. I do not bring puppets to life.

Jade: [getting an idea] You're a genius!

Jade: The Rat Talisman brings motion to the motionless. [places the Rat Talisman on the Jackie Puppet] This oughta get Jackie back on his feet.

[the Talisman activates and Jackie wakes up]

Jade: Well, it's a start.

Jackie (Puppet): What? What is it?

Uncle: [rushes forward] Nothing! Do not look in mirror!

Jackie (Puppet): [sees reflection] Bwah!

Uncle: I told you not to look in mirror! He never listens.

[riding a toy boat]

Monkey King: I'm king of the world!

Monkey King: [brandishes a large axe] How much wood does a woodchuck chuck?

Jade: Oh my gosh, look out!

Monkey King: Huh? [turns around; Jade and Jackie's puppet run away; realizes] Can't believe I fell for that old gag.

Chi of the Vampire [2.35]

Uncle: Jackie, guard the door in case it returns!

Jackie: "It"?

Uncle: Hidden inside of an antique? Mr. Lam tried to trick us into taking it!

Jackie: What is "it"?

Uncle: A Jiang Shi Vampire!

Jade: Told ya.

Jackie: ... Did the little monster put you up to this?

Uncle: Chinese vampire drain Chi. Life energy from the prey making the vampire stronger, and turning the victims into servants. Without any Chi, Tohru will soon transform into a fiendish minion of darkness! We must perform a Chi transfusion!

Jackie: Transfusion? You want to put someone else's Chi in Tohru's body?

Jade: Tch. Where are you gonna find someone with that much extra- [Uncle grabs her] Whoa!

Uncle: You have abundant youthful energy. Chi to spare. It is the only way to prevent Tohru from serving the undead!

[after Tohru throws the Vampire through a door]

Jackie: Thank you, Tohru.

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] I just slam-dunked a Chi Sucker! I rule! [begins to dance] Go Tohru! Go Tohru! I'm the bomb!

Uncle: Hmmm. It appears the Chi transfusion was successful.

Jade: [dancing] Go Jade! Go Jade! Lotta Chi Girl! Saving Tohru!

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] How are we gonna save Uncle without Uncle???

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] We must do research!

Jackie: You gotta be kidding me.

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi; holding an unconscious Uncle] He's starting to go all fang-y.

Jackie: Uncle is turning into the vampire's minion. Use my Chi for the transfusion. [is cuffed by Jade] Ow!

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] I do not know such spells! Jade has Uncle's CHI, not his brains!

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi, after Uncle fully transforms] Aiya! He is a servant to the vampire!

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] Duh!

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] We must all reclaim our Chi before sunrise, or it will belong to the Vampire forever!

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] You mean I'd be stuck in Jade-mode?

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] You would rather have Uncle's Chi? I cannot stop thinking about digestion!

Vampire Uncle: [in a state of paralysis] My master will drink you dry! Drink you- [mouth covered by Jackie]

Jackie: How do we take back the Chi?

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] Easy. We just hunt down Count Jerkula, and... [kicks and punches in the air]

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] No! Magic must defeat magic! We must collect a toadstool from a graveyard, place it inside the vampire's left sock, and throw the sock into a river!

Jackie: ... You're making this up.

Jade: [with Uncle's Chi] You want to stop the Jiang Shi? Yes? THEN DO WHAT JADE TELLS YOU! One more thing. We must hurry. The sunrise is in thirty minutes!

Tohru: [with Jade's Chi] Come on Jackie! It's vampire butt-kick time!

Jackie: This is too weird.

Vampire Uncle: [in a state of paralysis] Master, I have fallen, and I cannot get up!

Tohru: [twirling the Vampire's sock and chanting] We knocked your socks off! [sniffs the sock] EW!

The Good, the Bad, the Blind, the Deaf and the Mute [2.36]

Uncle: [coming upon a large idol of three stone monkeys] There!

Jade: Whoa! Mt. Chimpmore.

Uncle: The great idol of the Three Wise Monkeys. Legend tells that it is filled with Dark Chi.

Jackie: The idol is evil?

Uncle: No. Three Wise Monkeys are guardians. Good wizards sealed the Dark Chi within them looking ago, so that humanity may neither see, hear, nor speak of such evil. [shudders] Oh.

Tohru: What is it, sensei?

Uncle: The willies!

Daolon Wong: [suddenly appearing] No doubt the forces of light have summoned you here, since I possess the only existing map.

Jackie: Daolon Wong!

Jade: The anti-Uncle!

[as everyone regains consciousness, noticing the idol has vanished]

Jade: DAOLON IS GONE!

Uncle: As is the idol!

Jade: MT. CHIMPMORE IS GONE TOO!

Uncle: That is what I just said!

[Jackie tries to speak, only to realize he's mute]

Jade: DAOLON IS GONE AND HE TOOK MT. CHIMPMORE WITH HIM!

Uncle: Aiya! Stop shouting Jade! I am old, not deaf! [Jackie gets Uncles attention, but still cannot speak] Speak up Jackie! I cannot hear you!

Tohru: [fumbling around with his hands] How can you see through this cloud of Dark Chi?

Uncle: There is no Dark Chi cloud!

Tohru: Then why can I not see you?

[Jackie once more tries to speak]

Jade: UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF JACKIE'S MOUTH!

Uncle: [realizing] Because Jackie is mute.

Jade: UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Uncle: Jade is deaf!

Tohru: [fumbling with Uncle's face] Sensei?

Uncle: [muffled] And Tohru is blind!

Tohru: [wandering around] We are like the three Wise Monkeys!

Jade: WHAT? SPEAK UP TOHRU!

Tohru: [walking away] I said "We are like the-"

Jade: YO! TOHRU! OVER HERE! I DON'T THINK T CAN SEE!

Tohru: Why were you not affected, Sensei?

Uncle: As a student of Master Fong, I am protected by an abundance of Good Chi.

Jade: IF I'M DEAF, AND TOHRU IS BLIND, THAT MEANS UNCLE MUST BE MUTE! [Jackie tries to tell her that he's mute] JACKIE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DUH!

Uncle: [to Jackie] I cannot read your lips. Your accent is too thick!

The Warrior Incarnate [2.37]

Shendu: My patience wears thin, Valmont. Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement is an eternity lost!

Valmont: I assure you Shendu, my men are spending every waking moment searching for your Talismans.

[Finn and Ratso enter the room arguing over a newspaper]

Ratso: Aw, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores!

Finn: Nuh-uh! Not until I finish checking out Stewie Cablooie. He's the bomb!

Shendu: You two! Come closer!

Ratso: Uh oh...

Shendu: Show me the parchment.

Ratso: [shows Shendu the Sports section] You a Giants fan, Shendu?

Shendu: Argh! Turn it over!

Ratso: The hair plugs ad?

Shendu: [seeing an article about an ancient statue] The statue of Lo Pei...

Finn: You wanna see Lo Pei, oughta check out my salary. Get it? Low pay?

[after Jade crashes into Lo Pei statue]

Jackie: [Shocked] What did you do?!

Jade: What did you do?! You put an old junk heap in the middle of the floor!

Jackie: That "old junk heap" is a priceless antiquity on loan from the museum!

Jackie: [nervously pacing] Oh, broken statue...

Jade: Sorry!

Jackie: Broken statue!

Jade: Sorry!

Jackie: Broken statue!

Jade: Sorry!

Uncle: Jasmine tea to calm the nerves...

Jackie: Yes, I can see my future in the tea leaves. The museum contacts the university, my career winds up like that statue; ruined! [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: Your career not important! Now we will never read the inscriptions. Knowledge has been lost forever! ... Must call my insurance agent, see if I'm covered for this.

Jade: Really, I can explain!

Captain Black: No need. The intruder was obviously an emissary of the Dark Hand utilizing a high octane nerve gas. You were foolish to try and stop him on your own... [pats Jade's head] But also very brave.

Jade: Yeah, well I try to be of help.

Jackie: Yes, and I wish you would stop helping. [notices the Talismans are gone] The Talismans! How?!

Jade: Uh... you know that broken statue? Well, he's not so broken anymore.

Jackie: What?!

Jade: Don't worry, Jackie. I can help! [covers mouth] The H word. [later] I meant help you find the warrior, not help do the laundry.

Jackie: No, don't hurt her!

Jade: It's okay, Jackie. Me and Lo Pei are pals.

Lo Pei: Pals. [gives thumbs up gesture] A-okay.

Jackie: And the Talismans?

Jade: Oh. Those. Well, the Dark Hand kinda got the drop on us, and... heh.

Jackie: [facepalms] Ohhh...

Jade: We'll get the Talismans back! Warriors, yes!

Jackie: Warriors, no! You are a child, and I am an archaeologist, [to Lo Pei] though not for long if I don't get you back to the museum.

Lo Pei: Again you speak nonsense. As the crescent-moon is duty-bound to follow the sunset, so shall I smite this Dark Hand! [gives a thumbs up] HOO-AH!

Jackie: "Hoo-ah"?

Jade: It's an ancient warrior thing.

Snake Hunt [2.38]

Jade: [as Jackie grabs her shoulder] Wah!

Jackie: Hi Jade.

Jade: [breathing heavily] Jackie, don't sneak up on me like that!

Jackie: Oh, I was sneaking up on you? You're supposed to back at the hotel.

Jade: Sure. Limit my exposure to other cultures. Stifle my educational potential.

Jackie: Jade, I'm only trying to stifle your potential to be harmed. What if the Dark Hand were here too, searching for the Snake Talisman?

Jade: Did you find it?

Jackie: Not yet. You'd think it were invisible.

Wesley Rank: Edit that out!

Wesley Rank: And thus, "Just the Artifacts" has the exclusive scoop on this infamous Snake Talisman, whatever that is. You do think everyone was fighting over the chalk drawing, don't you?

Dino Stefanson: [packing away his camera] Oh, maybe we should ask an archeologist.

Wesley Rank: I AM AN ARCHEOLOGIST!

Dino Stefanson: Oh right, destroying 4,000 year-old drawings, yeah that's what archeologists do.

[after Jackie accidentally drops the Snake Talisman]

Jade: [looking to catch it] I got it, I got it!

Wesey Rank: [reaches out and catches the Talisman] How wrong you are, little lady! [to Dino] You there, uh camera-guy! Roll film, quickly! [temple begins to rumble] Welcome! I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a treacherous climb to the temple's harrowing heights to bring you this! [holds up the Talisman] The Snake Talisman!

[Jade suddenly appears in the shot punching him from below]

Jade: No! Liar, liar, liar!

Wesley Rank: [pushes Jade off; mockingly] Ow, that hurt! Edit that out. Where did this mysterious Talisman come from? Why was it here? And what is that awful racket?!

Wesley Rank: Everything all right?

Dino Stefanson: Maybe a sprain.

Wesley Rank: I meant the camera! Now point it at that exit, let's wrap this up!

Wesley Rank: And with this phenomenal find, firmly in hand, this is Wesley Rank bidding you farewell, 'til next time on "Just the Artifacts"! [turns to leave through the tunnel behind him, before running back screaming in absolute terror] AAH!

Dino Stefanson: Let me guess, edit that out?

Dino Stefanson: Network's gonna love this.

[Jackie and Jade are watching the show that Wesley was filming]

Wesley Rank: Welcome, I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a treacherous climb to the temple's harrowing heights to bring you this...the Snake Talisman!

Jade: [on television, enters the shot, punching Wesley from below] No!

Jackie: Huh?

Jade: I'm on TV!

Jackie: Rank didn't edit that out?

Jade: [on television] Liar, liar, liar!

Wesley Rank: [pushing Jade offscreen; mockingly] Ow, that hurt! [immediately cuts to him running in fear from Culebra Gigante] AAH!

Dino Stefanson: [laughs] Welcome to a special edition of "Just the Artifacts"! Wesley Rank may not know how to treat little girls, but he sure knows how to scream like one! I'm Dino Stefanson, and I'll be your new guide!

Jade: [laughing] Go camera guy!

Jackie: Look!

[shows a shot of the Snake Talisman]

Dino Stefanson: You'll also get the full scoop on how we recovered this rare Snake Talisman from a local pawn shop Rank sold it to. We of course donated the artifact to the New York Museum.

Jackie: [sigh] After what we've been through, getting the Talisman from the museum should be a snap. [pops neck]

Jade: We're off to the jungle!

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: New York? The concrete jungle? Duh!

Through the Rabbit Hole [2.39]

Chow: I wish we hadn't lost that speed talisman.

Finn: I wish Chan was never born.

Ratso: I wish one of those talismans would come to us for a change!

[The talisman locater suddenly starts glowing. The Enforcers look outside to see Jade walking past them]

Ratso: I wish I had a million bucks!

Ratso: So she speeds off, and then zappo, she's gone!

Finn: It was freaky, Big V! Left behind some kind of energy hole!

Valmont: Energy hole? Zappo?

Shendu: A crude description, Valmont, but I indeed sense a wrinkle in time. The child has used the speed talisman to forge a tunnel to the past.

Valmont: And if Shendu's rabbit dug a hole, all you idiots have to do to secure the Talisman is go through that hole.

Shendu: But tunnels through time flow only in one direction. If you wish them to return, they will require this. [a Shadowkahn warrior presents a crystal orb to Tohru]

Ratso: So uh...just how far back does this tunnel thingy go?

Finn: We talking dinosaurs?

Valmont: I don't care if it leads to the Big Bang, you buffoons! Just bring me that talisman!

Jackie: Kepler, have you seen- [Kepler's Chroniton Beam fires directly at Jackie as he enters the door; Jackie narrowly avoids it] Aah!

Kepler: Same beam almost fried Jade. Maybe I should move the emitter.

Jackie: Maybe??? This is a safety hazard!

Finn: Get down! Get funky! It's the 70's!

[Jade and a Young Jackie Chan rush into Uncle's Store]

Young Jackie: How did you know where I live?

Jade: Whoa, what are these? [picks up a tape only to have Uncle appear and take it back]

Young Uncle: 8-Track tapes.

Jade: But where are the antiques?

Young Uncle: While I wish to trade in ancient treasures, 8-Track is the way of the future.

Ratso: Whoa! It's Chan! But bite-sized!

Chow: And if we off him when he's little...

Finn: He'll never get big!

Tohru: Destroy him!

Young Jackie: [gasp] Bad day...

Jade: Think we ditched 'em.

Young Jackie: Ditched who, why are those men after me, what's that rabbit thing, how can you run so fast, what's going on?!

Jade: Okay, here's the deal. I'm from the future. You're my uncle. The talisman's magic. The Dark Hand is after it, and now they wanna get rid of you so that they won't have to fight you when you grow up. Get it?

Young Jackie: ...That's crazy Jade. You're crazy!

Young Valmont: [after rendering Uncle unconscious] My first act of megavillany! This is an exhilarating moment!

[as the Chans engage the Dark Hand in a school dance]

Student 1: Everybody is Kung Fu fighting!

Student 2: Hooah!

Young Valmont: You may have won today, Chan, but we will meet again, and-

[Young Jackie bluffs a hit inches from Valmont's face, causing him to scream and faint]

Young Uncle: Jackie, it looks like you will have a very interesting future, with a very odd niece. One more thing. Did she say anything else about my future in antiques?

Season 3

Re-Enter the J Team [3.1]

Jade: Jackie, I keep having the same weird dream. I show up the first day of class without my... what I did during summer vacation essay.

Jackie: Gee. Perhaps you should start writing your essay.

Jade: Tch. You mean write about how boring vacation's been? We haven't seen a single demon, or ninja, or Dark Hand thug.

Jackie: Hmmm. My kind of summer.

[during a slideshow presentation of various Jade Artifacts]

Jackie: I recognize some of these pieces. Some of the finest examples of Emperor's Jade ever to exist.

Captain Black: Until they vanished. As you know the collections of nearly a dozen Chinese museums have been hit over the last decade, and the thefts have the same thing in common.

Jackie: No prints, no tracks, no suspects.

Captain Black: Until now. Section 13 agents have been tracking the movements of Taiwanese billionaire Bartholomew Chang.

Jackie: [noticing Chang's hand is made entirely of jade] His hand!

Captain Black: Made of jade.

Jade: [enters the room] You rang?

Jackie & Captain Black: The stone.

Jade: Just checking! [leaves]

Captain Black: Our biggest obstacle is diplomatic. The Taiwanese government believes Chang to be its greatest philanthropist. That's why we can't make a move on his island fortress without absolute proof that he's stockpiling the goods there.

Jackie: And I can help you, how?

Captain Black: Chang is about to host his annual exclusive Martial Arts Tournament, ostensibly for charity. But I believe Chang uses the tournament as an audition to recruit muscle for his private army, and the guest transportation as a means to smuggle jade onto the island, and off of it.

Jackie: You want me to attend the tournament as a contestant.

Captain Black: And find the... [looks around; whispers] Jade.

[Jade suddenly appears from an overhead vent]

Jade: Captain Black, no offense, but this is way out of Jackie's league. This is a job for the J-Team! El Toro Fuerte; wrestler extraordinaire! Viper; mistress of Hapkido, Pilates, and Krav Maga! Tohru; the big strong... er, Sumo!

Jackie: Uh, yes. Captain Black, I am sorry my niece has such an active imagination.

Captain Black: I like it!

Tohru: Sumo? But I am small for a Sumo.

Viper: You're a real master of disguise.

El Toro: El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask.

Viper: Wish I could remove these pajamas. Not used to such a roomy fit.

Jade: Ready to go for the gold, Big Bopper?

Jackie: Jade! How did you-?!

Jade: Captain Black said the boats were used to smuggle Jade onto the island, duh!

Jackie: Not the niece, the stone!

Bartholomew Chang: And over here, the pride and joy of Chang Enterprises; basket weaving. All proceeds go- [Jackie falls from an air vent] You! This area is off limits! What are you doing?!

Jackie: Looking for Jade!

Bartholomew Chang: [nervously] What jade?! There is no jade here! I see no jade!

Jackie: Oh no no no no, Jade my niece, not jade the stone! Have you seen it- I mean, her?

The Powers Unleashed [3.2]

Valmont: And now that I'm finally rid of that petulant lizard, Shendu, the Dark Hand will rise ag-

Ratso: Uh, Valmont? Your pancakes are getting cold. [Valmont gives Ratso his pancake stack]

Valmont: Speaking of temperature, you'll need to acquire some serious heat if we're to embark on our epic crime spree!

Finn: Now you're talking, Big-V!

Chow: So, what's the plan?

Valmont: You three will break into Section 13 and steal the Talismans.

Ratso: Whoa, again?

Chow: Uh, busting into Section 13's kinda risky.

Finn: Besides V, we don't do flunky work.

Ratso: Not unless we're getting paid.

Valmont: Uh true, this Demon nonsense has depleted Dark Hand finances, but you know I'm good for it!

[long pause]

Chow: Okay, but you gotta make us partners.

Valmont: Call yourselves Vice Presidents if you wish, just bring me those Talismans! [the restaurant bill is placed on the table, which Valmont hands to the Enforcers]

Finn, Ratso, & Chow: Hey!

Valmont: What? I didn't eat.

Ratso: [after breaking into Section 13] Sweet! No guards in sight!

Finn & Chow: Shhh!

Ratso: Man, security here stinks!

Daolon Wong: [taking the Talismans] ... and Monkey makes twelve. [suddenly grabbed by Ratso]

Finn: We'll take those.

Chow: Who are you anyway?

Ratso: Ooh ooh, I know! He's the drummer from KISS!

Finn, Ratso, & Chow: Chan!

Daolon Wong: Retrieve the Talismans!

Finn: What he said!

Uncle: Jackie! You must not let Daolon Wong have the Talismans!

Jackie: ... Okay. No one will have them.

[after Jackie destroys the Talismans]

Jade: Jackie... you blew them up!

Jackie: [sigh] It is finally over... [is cuffed by Uncle] Ow!

Uncle: Not over. It is just beginning.

Jackie: It is???

Uncle: Talismans can be destroyed, but the powers they contain cannot. The magic has been set free, scattered to the winds, which means Daolon Wong will try to find them.

Jade: You mean Jackie just started the Talisman Hunt all over again? Cool!

Jackie: Bu- But where did the magic go?

Uncle: With no vessels to contain them, the powers will return to their owners; the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac.

Jade: Hello? The Chinese Zodiac is way ancient. Those animals are history!

Uncle: As such, the Talisman magic will be drawn to noble animals, those most worthy of their regal ancestors; twelve living creatures, each about to receive an extraordinary gift.

Jackie: WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Valmont: Well?

Ratso: Uhhh...

Chow: That thing about making us partners? Don't worry about it.

Valmont: If I were employing you, I would fire you!

Daolon Wong: [steps from behind a corner] You three! I require your assistance.

Finn: ...So what's the gig pay?

[Daolon Wong chants an incantation which transforms Finn, Ratso, and Chow into Dark Chi Warriors]

Daolon Wong: Gan, Ren, Chui!

Dark Ratso: You're orange!

Dark Chow: You're bald!

Dark Finn: Freaky...

Daolon Wong: Bow before me, Dark Chi warriors.

Dark Finn: Finn don't bow to no- [Daolon forces them to bow using Chi magic]

Daolon Wong: You are no longer mortal men, but powerful servants enslaved to do my bidding.

Valmont: Now see here! Finn, Ratso, and Chow are my servants, and I will thank you not to- [Daolon Wong traps Valmont in the ground up to his neck] AH! Hey!

Daolon Wong: [detects a Talisman power] Ah, it would seem good fortune is mine, for one of the Talisman powers remains near. Come my warriors. [transports himself away]

Dark Ratso: Where'd he go? [the Dark Enforcers are transported away, leaving Valmont behind]

Valmont: Wait! You can't just leave me here! Release me at once!

Daolon Wong: [at a dog show] Which is the beast that I seek? If I destroy all of them, one would remain standing; the one which holds the power of immortality!

Uncle: Quickly! You must take the dog where Daolon's magic cannot reach!

Jackie: [looking at all the dogs around him] But which dog, Uncle?

Uncle: Were you not listening?! The most noble one!

[when the Dark Enforcers realize they can call for their weapons with Chi magic]

Dark Chow: Remote control?

Dark Finn: Rock and roll!

Jade: Hey, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade, you should be asleep.

Jade: So should you. And I know just the thing to help you on one. First we strap on rollerblades instead of trash goal points, then we slip through the talismans out of the vault...

Jackie: Just because I can sleep, doesn't mean you don't have to.

Jade: Aw.....

Viva Las Jackies [3.3]

Jade: Are we there yet?

Jackie: Patience Jade. We will not know where "there" is, until Uncle's locator spell leads us to the animal we seek.

Uncle: [sitting in the back of the car, producing a Chi spell] The tiger who has inherited the Talisman power of Yin and Yang.

Jade: Well make it hurry, because it reeks something fierce in here!

Jackie: Are you sure the spell is accurate, Uncle? Nevada is not exactly known as tiger country.

Uncle: Never mock the sock. It is our only chance of finding the tiger before the forces of darkness do.

Jade: Well betcha Daolon Wong doesn't have to spend all day cooped up in a smelly car.

[in a car, with Daolon Wong producing a Chi spell while the Dark Enforcers drive]

Dark Ratso: Pee-ew! Are we there yet?!

Dark Finn: So, Big-D, really appreciate you turning us into superpowered Dark Chi dudes and all, but we gotta talk image. I'm not digging the whole orange vibe, and hey, these outfits kinda scream "boy band".

Dark Ratso: Nah, we look like KISS!

Dark Chow: We look like circus freaks.

Uncle: [on phone] Room service? Yes, please send up one bottle of eel saliva, three jars of powdered duck feet, and a pair of moose antlers.

[after Jade interferes with the Tiger's Yin and Yang power, which was separating Jackie]

Jade: Jackie, are you okay?

[reveals Jackie's separation was not complete, resulting in Jackie having two heads]

Jackie-Dark: Argh... yeah.

Jackie-Light: Thank you for asking.

Jade: Bwah!

Jackie Light/Dark: What? [they notice each other] Ah!

Jackie-Dark: Hey, I have a zit! Get off of my body, or I'll pop you! [tries pushing his light side off]

Jackie-Light: I do not wish to argue, but this is my body too!

Dark Chow: [upon seeing a two-headed Jackie] And I thought we were freaky.

Jackie-Light: I do not see the tiger. Maybe we should split up.

[long pause]

Jackie-Dark: So I got all the brains...

Dark Finn: Yo, D-Man. Beam us up.

[Uncle's phone rings]

Uncle: Room service? I have been waiting for-

Jackie-Light: Uncle, thank goodness you're-

Uncle: Jackie! How can you leave Uncle at a shabby hotel with no eel saliva?!

Jackie-Dark: Pull your tongue out of your mouth and wring out the spit!

Uncle: [gasp] You call Uncle an eel?!

Jackie-Light: Uncle, I'm sorry!

Jackie-Dark: No I'm not.

Jackie-Light: Yes I am.

Jackie-Dark: No I'm not.

Jackie-Light: Yes I am.

Uncle: Jackie, why do you babble like a crazy person?!

Jackie-Light/Dark: Because I have two heads!

Aztec Rat Race [3.4]

Jade: [coming upon a field of cactus] Whoa, acupuncture city.

Jackie: Real acupuncture is a good thing, Jade. It stimulates the energy channels, and rids the body of- [the Dark Enforcers suddenly appear]

Dark Finn: Hola, Señor Chan.

Jackie: Bad Chi...

[after Quetzalcoatl shoots a fire attack at El Toro]

Paco: The statue can shoot fire from his hands?

Jade: God of the sun, duh!

[while Daolon Wong expresses frustration with the Dark Enforcers failures]

Dark Finn: Chan had a masked crime fighter with him, your worship!

Dark Chow: The sun was in our eyes!

Dark Ratso: We need bigger weapons!

Daolon Wong: Excuses, excuses! I see that if I wish this task accomplished, I must do it myself!

Dark Finn: That's cool. We'll wait here, rest up, order some Chi pizza...

Jackie: Uh, perhaps Quetzalcoatl would not be so angry if you prove to him you are not... you know. [pointing to the mask]

El Toro: El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask!

Quetzalcoatl: Unhand the princess, or face my wrath!

Jade: Uh, maybe you should make an exception.

[as Quetzalcoatl flies after them]

Paco: The statue can fly too?!

Jade: God of the sky, duh!

Jackie: [on phone] Uncle? Now is not a good time!

Uncle: What is more important than talking to Uncle?

Jackie: I am in a speeding mining cart fleeing a reanimated Mayan statue trying to seize Jade so he can fly her into the sun!

Uncle: Why did you not say so? It seems you have found the rat.

[after Quetzalcoatl traps them in a cage of vines]

Paco: The statue can grow unbreakable vines?

Jade: God of-

Paco: I know, agriculture. Duh!

Quetzalcoatl: [about the rat] Such power within this small creature. [to Jackie and the others] And such courage within you. With heroes such as you protecting the land from the forces of darkness. I am content to return to my proper place [Quetzalcoatl touches the rat and begins to revert to a statue] Quetzalcoatl bids you farewell.

Monkey a Go-Go [3.5]

Daolon Wong: You are in my soup!

Uncle: Our locator spells have intersected.

Daolon Wong: I will seize control of the chi waves, novice. My power is far greater...

Uncle: Eeee-Ya! [Casts a Chi spell which results in a repetitive feedback image]

Uncle: One more thing.[blows raspberry] One more thing. [blows raspberry] One more thing...

Jackie: Monkey Talisman and Monkey King?

Jade: Coinkidink?

Uncle: Forget Monkey King. We must catch Monkey Magic before Daolon Wong does.

Jackie: And you went through all the trouble to see us... why?

Monkey King: Let's see, maybe... oh a little something I like to call REVENGE!

Monkey King: [lowering the Shapeshifting Monkey into the Kilauea volcano] Uh oh, my simian senses are tingling!

Jade: We want our monkey, monkey!

Monkey King: Oh, it's all about him isn't it?! You think he's funnier than me, don't you?!

Jackie: Uh, of course not! Everyone knows that the Money King is the funniest ape of all.

Uncle: I do not think he's so funny- [elbowed by Jade]

Money King: Well you'll really love my weird sense of humor when you and monkey-boy are swimming in lava, 'cause I'm gonna make Kilauea blow sky-high!

Uncle: The Monkey King cannot activate volcanoes!

Monkey King: Just watch me, gramps! I know a family recipe! [begins tossing ingredients into the lava pit] Magic monkey syrup, pure cane sugar, one carton of aged goat milk- EEGH! [Daolon Wong appears behind the Monkey King] An untuned Hawaiian guitar, a fine tuned tuning fork, a tuna on rye, hold the mayo-

Daolon Wong: [grabs the Monkey King] Talisman power, be mine!

Monkey King: Paws off the fur, Shakespeare! I'm busy here!

Jade: Never thought I'd be rooting for Daolon Wong over anybody. [they start to run, only to be trapped by Daolon Wong] On second thought, go Monkey King.

Daolon Wong: Monkey King?

Daolon Wong: Aah, I should have recognized the antics of the famed prankster puppet made flesh.

Monkey King And I've got a payback gig with an exploding volcano finale, that you're messing up!

Daolon Wong: So, why do I see no lava?

Monkey King: Huh? [goes over his ingredients list again; gasp] I'm still three pounds of wood short of a gusher!

Daolon Wong: Then for your lousy spell-making, you shall return to wood! [casts a Chi spell on the Monkey King]

Monkey King: [turning into a puppet] EVERYONE'S A CRITIC!

Uncle: [after the "lava" engulfs them, only revealed to be cherry gelatin] Cha is not so hot.

When Pigs Fly [3.6]

Farmer MacDonald: Now what's a city feller like you want with a 280 pound Hampshire Boar?

Jackie: Uh, good question, Farmer MacDonald. Well, I am an archaeologist and-

Farmer MacDonald: You mean like a eye doctor?

Jackie: Uh, no. That is an optometrist. Archeologists study very old things.

Farmer MacDonald: Old? Mordecai ain't turned three yet!

[when the Farm Hands attack Jackie]

Jackie: Please, can't we just talk about- [attacked]

Jade: Maybe they don't know how to talk.

Buford MacDonald: My brother E.B. here graduated Stanford Phi Beta Kappy.

E.B. MacDonald: And Buford here is a renowned nuclear physicist. [throws Jackie against a wall]

Jackie: Dr. Buford MacDonald??? Your books are very insightful.

Buford MacDonald: Thank ye. [punches Jackie]

Farmer MacDonald: [as Jackie fights Daolon Wong] What in Sam Hill's nanny is going on here?!

Jackie: The animals have magic powers, and dark forces have come to claim them.

[pause]

Farmer MacDonald: Magic? Well why didn't you just say so in the first place?

[as the Rooster uses its powers to lift MacDonald's entire house]

E.B. MacDonald: They're defying the known laws of physics!

Jade: Jackie, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!

Jackie: Jade, bring the pig this wa- [runs out the door, only to nearly fall out of the flying house] WAH! The house is flying?!

Jade: Hello? Did you not catch my Wizard of Oz reference?

Dark Finn: There's no place like home... to kick your butt!

The Invisible Mom [3.7]

Jade: Whoa. Now I see why they call this place bizarre.

Jackie: Jade, it is a bazaar.

Jade: Anywhere grown men playing with baby toys is bizarre in my book.

Uncle: Uncle is not playing. This rattle's filled with enchanted teeth of mongoose which will lead us to the snake which possesses the power of invisibility.

[Jackie lifts a basket which reveals an angered Cobra]

Uncle: Do not even breathe. Cobras are very poisonous.

Jackie: [frozen in fear] I know...

Uncle: Tohru, you did not tell Uncle you invited Spider-Woman! [Jackie, succumbing to the snake venom, groggily falls into Uncle's arms] See? Even Jackie moans with displeasure at her arrival.

Jade: Uh, Jackie? Are you alright? Jackie? [holds up fingers] How many fingers do you see?

Jackie: Uhhh... what's a Jackie?

Uncle: [gasp] Jackie has been bitten by snake!

Mama Tohru: These strange men, they appeared out of thin air!

Jade: They used to be men, now they're card-carrying members of the Forces of Darkness.

Uncle: Stop them Tohru! [Tohru growls, ready to fight, only to be held back by his mother]

Mama Tohru: My baby will NOT fight Forces of Darkness!

Jade: Uh, maybe we should get Jackie to a doctor.

Uncle: We must find snake before Dark Forces do, then Uncle will cure Jackie.

Mama Tohru: Ah, do not worry, I once television program about cobra poisoning. Jackie only at stage one: very slight dryness of mouth.

Jackie: [affixing cloth to his forehead] Y'arrr matey!

Jade: Stage two?

Mama Tohru: Stark-raving madness.

Jackie: Yo-ho-ho! [begins dancing]

Mama Tohru: Luckily stage two very brief.

Tohru: Mother means well, but sometimes I think she forgets that I am a grown man.

Jade: Uh, very grown. When she gets in your face, tell her to give you some space.

Tohru: She would just take it the wrong way. [sigh] I love her, but sometimes I wish mother would just disappear.

Mama Tohru: [eavesdropping while invisible] Oh? Be careful what you wish for, Tohru.

Dark Chow: [holding the imposter snake] I know three Dark Warriors who are finally about to make Daolon Wong a happy wizard.

Dark Finn: Let's not be hasty. This snake can make us invisible.

Dark Ratso: We can sneak into any movie we want for free!

Dark Finn: [clears throat] If old crazy eyes can't see us, we can sneak up and stomp the Chi out of him.

Dark Chow: And force him to turn us back into our normal old selves!

Dark Ratso: Yeah! [they grab the snake]

Dark Finn: Talisman power, on!

[nothing happens]

Dark Ratso: Hey, I can still see you guys.

Dark Finn: Uh, 'cause we're all invisible?

Dark Chow: Ohhhhh...

Dark Ratso: I was never any good at science.

Tohru Nobody touches my mommy!

Sheep In, Sheep Out [3.8]

Jade: Bah bah black sheep, have you any magic?

Dark Finn: Big-D!

Dark Ratso: Hiya!

Dark Chow: We're pumped for round two!

Daolon Wong: I have no further use for those who allow themselves to be waylaid by unconscious livestock!

Dark Ratso: So... we're free to go?

[in a shepherd's dream]

Bob: Tasty grub you're serving here laddie, though it's not as filling as the real McCoy. Say, what's this I hear about shaving me in winter?

Jackie: [surrounded by Shadowkhan] Uh, you wouldn't hit a guy wearing glasses, would you?

[surrounded by dream Shadowkhan]

Bob: Might I request bagpipes be played at our dream funeral, lassie?

Jade: [gets an idea] Oh no! The Loch Ness Monster!

[a purple monster suddenly appears and defeats the Shadowkhan]

Bob: Didn't think that thing existed.

Uncle: [finding Jackie and Jade's unconscious bodies] Jackie! No sleeping! [cuffs Jackie to no response] No "Ow"?

Jackie (Astral): Uncle! We're right here!

Jade (Astral): Hello? He can't see or hear you!

Jackie (Astral): Then how will he know where we are?

Uncle: [gasp] Daolon Wong now possesses the power of Astral Projection which he has inflicted upon Jackie and Jade and then applied a finishing spell so that they cannot return to their bodies!

Jade (Astral): ... And you doubted him.

Jade: [in possession of Jackie's body] Uncle you rock! Now let's find Daolon Wong and kick some shriveled- Aah! [noticing her body] Why are there two of me?

Jackie: [in possession of Jade's body] Why is your voice coming out of my body?!

[both scream in shock]

Uncle: I told you Spell complicated...

Jackie: [in possession of Jade's body] There is only one way inside. [coming to a dead end, he tries to wall-jump up to a window, but his short stature holds him back] Eh, I forgot who I wasn't...

Jade: [in possession of Jackie's body] Trying to do this, Jackie? [wall jumps up to the window with ease] Cool, huh?

Uncle: Jade is better at being you than you, Jackie.

[surrounded by Shadowkhan]

Jackie: [in possession of Jade's body] Stay back, Jade!

Jade: [in possession of Jackie's body] Yes, Jade. Maybe you should stay back.

Jackie: [in possession of Jade's body] Uh... okay. But I am giving you permission to defend us this one time only.

Jade: [in possession of Jackie's body] I'm gonna do you proud!

Rabbit Run [3.9]

Jade: Hey, sorry I goofed on you back there, Chip.

Chip: Whatever. It's tough enough getting Coach to take me seriously. I don't need your help in that department.

Jade: Tch. Listen Chip, if there's one rule Jade Chan lives by, it's this: If coach won't give you a shot, you have to put yourself in the game.

Chip: You're just a little girl. What do you know about football?

Jade: Let's just say my coach doesn't always put me in the game, but I know you can't make the big plays from the sidelines.

Uncle: Jackie! You are terrible rabbit catcher!

Chip: Sir, you are in possession of Warren Oates Memorial High Football Team property! [Daolon Wong hisses at Chip] What school are you from?

Jackie: [speeding by on rollerblades; takes the rabbit] I will not bring it back later, thank you!

Chip: How many schools are trying to nab him?

[at a High School football game]

Daolon Wong: Gan, Ren, Chui! [summons the Dark Enforcers]

Dark Chow: Hey football!

Dark Finn: Bonding time, eh Big-D?

Dark Ratso: [hugging Daolon] We knew you were one of us!

[leading the Cheerleaders in a new chant]

Jade: Give me a Di!

Cheerleaders: Di!

Jade: Give me a Zao!

Cheerleaders: Zao!

Jade: Put that together, and what do you have?

Cheerleaders: [dancing] Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao!

[the cheering gives Uncle a magic boost, helping him overcome Daolon Wong's magic]

Uncle: Go Jackalopes!

A Jolly J-Team Xmas [3.10]

Santa Claus: Oh my.

Santa Claus: If you come for a gift, well I'm afraid you've just made the naughty list.

Daolon Wong: Your Chi is the only gift I require.

Uncle: Thank you! Merry Christmas! Bye bye! [chuckles]

Jade: Are you sure Uncle isn't running a fever?

Jackie: Jade, Uncle loves Christmas. It is when sales are best. [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Uncle: Commercialism not important! Christmas spirit is. [puts Santa Hat on Jackie's head]

Tohru: [walks in with a tray of cookies] Aah, Mother's recipe.

Uncle: [obviously lying] Yes. And.. we will be so... happy to see her for the holidays, Tohru.

Jade: Weird.

Tohru: We must leave some out for you know who.

Jackie: Who? [Tohru grows worried when they see Jade standing behind them] Oh! I mean uh, I am sure Santa will be very hungry tonight. [Tohru chuckles]

Jade: Tch. Nice try. But I'm old enough to know the low down on the Kris Kringle scam.

Tohru: Jade, you do not believe in Santa Claus?

Jade: Sure I do. Just like I believe the Tooth Fairy, right Jackie?

[flashback; Jackie tries to place a dollar under Jade's pillow only to be caught by her]

Jade: Gotcha!

[back to the present]

Jackie: I told you the Tooth Fairy was sick and I was filling in.

Uncle: Tooth fairy does not exist.

Jade: Ha! See?

Uncle: But Santa Claus does.

Jade: Huh?

Uncle: I have research to prove it.

[doorbell rings]

Tohru: [answers the door excited] Mommy! [hugs and kisses the occupant at the door, only to realize it's actually Captain Black] Captain Black?! I am sorry. [puts him down]

Captain Black: That's alright, Tohru. I'm often mistaken for elderly Japanese women.

Tohru: What would Daolon Wong want with Santa?

Jackie: Uh, revenge for years of coal?

Viper: You brought an elf to a Hanukkah party?

Santa Claus: Strange friend, your desire for cheese will not prevail against good.

Daolon Wong: CHI, not cheese! [fires a blast of Dark Chi magic]

Santa Claus: Oh my.

Daolon Wong: Bah, humbug!

Little Valmont, Big Jade [3.11]

Valmont: Me, Valmont, mastermind of the Dark Hand, fleeing authorities like a common- [bumps into Daolon Wong, causing him to drop his belongings]

Daolon & Valmont: You!

Daolon Wong: The supplies for my locator spell! You shall suffer for what you have done!

Valmont: What I have done? You transformed my enforcers into samurai zombies! I've been reduced to performing my own dirty work! [grabs Daolon Wong] Return Finn, Ratso, and Chow to me at once!

Daolon Wong: Ha! Why would Daolon Wong heed the demands of an insignificant pickpocket?

Valmont: B- Because I'm bigger than you!

Daolon Wong: Oh? [blasts Valmont with Dark Chi magic, transforming him into a child] Not anymore.

Jade: The whole time I've been in America, I haven't grown one inch. I'll never grow up, Jackie.

Jackie: Patience, Jade. Enjoy your childhood while it lasts.

Jade: Tch. I have a billion years of school left. I can't reach anything in the freezer and I never get invited on your missions. Way enjoyable.

Jackie: While Uncle and I search for the horse, you two will wait here and stay out of trouble.

Jade: Aw...

Young Valmont: Now see here, just because I look like a child doesn't mean you can treat me like one!

Jackie: I am treating you like a criminal. Tohru will treat you like a child.

Tohru: Now... [pops knuckles] Are you going to be a good little boy?

Taxi Driver: Where to, little man?

Young Valmont: Kempton Race Course, and if you call me that again, I will have you eliminated.

Daolon Wong: Gan, Ren, Chui!

[summons the Dark Enforcers]

Dark Finn I'm Finn, he's Ratso, that's Chow. Would it kill you to learn our names?

Daolon Wong: The horse!

[the Dark Enforcers seize Young Valmont from the horse]

Dark Finn: Okay stretchy, get off your high horse.

Young Valmont: Unhand me, you buffoons!

Dark Chow: Whoa!

Dark Finn: It's Big-V!

Dark Ratso: And he's mini!

Young Valmont: Indeed. I attempted to liberate you three, and that rancid prune of a wizard burdened me with this juvenile curse!

Dark Finn: Whoa, you tried to rescue us?

Dark Ratso: Aw.

Dark Chow: We didn't know you cared!

Uncle: Jackie, stop horsing around!

[attacking Giant Jade]

Dark Finn: You're going down, Queen Kong!

Dark Ratso: The bigger they are, the harder they- [Giant Jade immediately defeats them by stepping on them]

Young Valmont: They didn't see that coming?! Honestly, why did I ever want them back?!

Giant Jade: Just call me Jade-zilla!

The Ox-Head Incident [3.12]

Uncle: We must bring the ox to the sanctuary of the Ben-Shui Temple before the forces of Dark Chi descend upon us.

Dark Finn: [suddenly appear] Consider yourselves descended upon, Gramps.

Dark Chow: [as they corner all but Jade against a cliff] You know how much we care about you guys, but Daolon Wong been riding us to get rid of you once and for all.

Dark Ratso: We're sure gonna miss you.

Dark Finn: Say "goodbye", Chan.

[the Dark Enforcers are suddenly crushed by a falling boulder that Jade sets free]

Jackie: Uhhh... Goodbye Chan?

Hak Foo: I understand you have been seeking the powers of the Talismans, witch doctor. Allow me to suggest you end your quest for the Ox, as it is a power I intend to obtain! [is immediately immobilized by Daolon Wong]

Daolon Wong: Then obtain it, dear warrior... for me! [transforms him into a Dark Chi warrior]

Dark Hak Foo: [jumping incredibly high] Phoenix flies to moon!

Jackie: Huh?

Dark Hak Foo: [speeding back in a dazzling fireball] Meteor brings mass extinction!

Dark Hak Foo: Tornado decimates trailer park!

Tohru: [holding a very large boulder] Hak Foo! This is where you go poof.

[hurls the boulder at Hak Foo, who doesn't move; the boulder hits him, only to shatter, not even phasing Hak Foo]

Dark Hak Foo: I do not poof.

Uncle's Spirit Head: [in a magic orb] So, you want a piece of Uncle? I will just require my other pieces first.

Daolon Wong: If you ever want to see your pieces again, surrender the location of the ox power!

Uncle's Spirit Head: Very well. You may find what you are looking for in a secret case, very close to- [blows raspberry]

Daolong Wong: Fool! The Orb of Q'uan Lo will reveal your secrets, exposing those thoughts you hold most dear! [a sandwich appears in the orb] Mung bean sandwich???

Uncle's Spirit Head: Uncle is hungry.

Daolon Wong: I shall peel back the layers! [another image appears in the orb of Uncle spanking Daolon Wong while he cries] What is this?

Uncle's Spirit Head: Your destiny, evil one.

Uncle: I will transfer the power back into the Ox with Tohru's help. My apprentice will make a fine wizard someday!

Tohru: Jade, please keep the birds off your uncle.

Jade: Aw...

Animal Crackers [3.13]

Dark Hak Foo: Pterodactyl snatches ox!

Jackie: You can finish introductions later, Jade. It's almost time for school.

Jade: [gasp] School?!

Jackie: All good things must come to an end, even Spring Break.

Daolon Wong: My enemies possess nine Talisman powers, and I only possess two?! [seemingly points to Hak Foo] I have you to thank for that!

Dark Ratso: Hak Foo!

Dark Finn: Sheesh!

Dark Chow: Get with the program, will ya?

Daolon Wong: I meant all of you!

Drew: [seeing Jade's exhibit of the Talisman animals] No way! A petting zoo?

Jade: Look. Don't touch.

Drew: Where did you get all these?!

Jade: These, Drew, just happen to be the animals I- [catches herself] borrowed from my cousin. The zookeeper.

Drew: [suspiciously] Hey... These are the magic animals aren't they?!

Jade: No! I mean- [chuckles] You got me Drew, I was making all that magic stuff up the whole time. Me and my imagination.

Tohru Who? [3.14]

Valmont: Rise and shine, Tohru.

Tohru: [waking up] Where am I? Who am I?

Valmont: You are Tohru, my most loyal henchman.

Valmont: I am Valmont. Don't you remember me?

Tohru: I remember nothing.

Valmont: [to himself] Jolly good potion. [to Tohru] It would seem you are the victim of amnesia. Allow me to fill in some blanks. I am the leader of the Dark Hand, a premiere crime syndicate, and you work for me.

Tohru: [looking around at Valmont's rundown apartment] "Premiere crime syndicate"?

Valmont: Um, a temporary setback, I assure you. But it was only yesterday that you and I were at the top of our game! [shows him a photo album of him during his Dark Hand days] See? You made the FBI's Most Wanted, three years running.

Tohru: Oh, so it is true... But how?

Valmont: Our nemesis must have throttled you famously for your entire memory to just up and vanish.

Tohru: Nemesis?

Valmont: [flips a page] Jackie Chan.

Tohru: Chan will pay!

Jackie: [finding Tohru stretching in a temple] Tohru!

Uncle: [relieved] He is safe.

Jade: What's he doing?

Uncle: It would seem my apprentice seeks inner peace, so I will give him piece... OF UNCLE for making us worry ourselves sick!

Valmont: Many thanks for your help, Chan. A shame Tohru must render you senseless so we may get on with our crime unhindered. Tohru, if you please?

Tohru: No.

Valmont: What do you mean, no?!

Tohru: You were not so loyal to your loyal henchman.

Valmont: Well, I- I was simply hoping to duck away and find a large mallet with which to assist.

Tohru: Something inside tells me that Jackie is my friend.

Valmont: And something inside tells me that you are forgetting who is boss!

Re-Enter the Dragon [3.15]

Daolon Wong: Your answer, most malevolent of fire-breathers?

Shendu: [in spirit form] It would seem you have summoned me merely to humor me, wizard. For to obtain the power of combustion, you would require a living earth-bound dragon... which I am not.

Daolon Wong: You underestimate my talents, Lord Shendu. As the most malevolent of Dark Chi masters, I know a multitude of ancient spells, some of which might restore you.

Shendu: Aah, then you may have my rightful power, Daolon Wong, if you find a spell that will allow me to live again.

Dark Ratso: Hey, backyard barbecue!

Dark Chow: What are we grilling?

Dark Hak Foo: JACKIE CHAN!

Dark Finn: Let's tenderize him!

Dark Hak Foo: [fighting Tohru] Hurricane kick! Earthquake fist! Asteroid belt! [kicks Tohru near the lava pool and lunges at him] Meteor pummels mountain!

[Tohru simply steps aside, and Hak Foo lands in the lava pool]

Tohru: Hot bath.

Shendu: It is great to be back.

Dark Finn: Yo... Shen-dude!

Dark Chow: Uh, long time, no... breathe.

Dark Ratso: Yeah, happy... rebirthday.

[as the power of combustion is revealed]

Daolon Wong: Yes! My prize approaches! The power of combustion...

[Shendu knocks him aside]

Shendu: BELONGS TO ME! [absorbs the Talisman Power]

Shendu: Aah, feel the burn! [wipes out the Dark Enforcers]

Daolon Wong: But brother of darkness, we had an arrangement!

Shendu: I may be a noble Dragon, but I am also a demon sorcerer, and not known for keeping promises.

Daolon Wong: I still possess two Talisman Powers with which to destroy you! [fires his heat beam eyes at Shendu, only to have Shendu immediately absorb his powers]

Shendu: Levitation! Heat beam eyes! What thoughtful birthday presents.

[after the Enforcers are transformed back into their human selves]

Hak Foo: We are weak!

Ratso: We're human!

Chow: We're free!

Finn: Nuh-uh... [seeing Captain Black with handcuffs] Busted.

Captain Black: Mr. Wong, you're under arrest.

A Night at the Opera [3.16]

[as Jade plays a video game in her seat]

Uncle: Jade, pay attention.

[Jade groans as Uncle takes away her game, then Uncle notices Jackie working]

Jackie: Uh, I am multi-tasking.

Uncle: [Uncle takes away his notepad] Now you are one-tasking!

Jade: [to Jackie and Tohru] So you think Uncle's old friend calls him "Uncle" too?

Wing: [to Uncle] Chuckles, is that you?

Wing: I will always wish the opera had kept you, my friend.

Uncle: That is my cue to say goodbye. [Uncle starts to leave, then stops and turns around] One more thing, I hope it will not be another 60 years before we meet again, Beetlebrow.

Wing: As do I, Chuckles.

Attack of the J-Clones [3.17]

Tohru: Not the stairs!

Uncle: Chang has two hands, because that is not really Chang. It is his magical duplicate!

Captain Black: You mean, we're dealing with clones?!

Uncle: Aiya! Who said anything about clowns?! We are facing forces more powerful than the circus!

Uncle: Duplicates are imperfect. They contain flaws, like Chang's extra hand, but each is more powerful than its human counterpart due to its magic.

Jade: Aw, we can take them Unc. We'll face off in the epic battle royale! Human vs clone, good vs evil, Jade vs Jade!

Uncle: You missed Uncle's point! Magic must defeat magic!

["Jackie" enters the room]

Viper: Look who decided to show.

Jackie Clone: Sorry I am late.

Uncle: Now, one more thing. We must be very watchful for these defective duplicates.

[Jackie enters the room in a rush]

Jackie: Uncle, we must watch out for-

Tohru: It is Jackie's Clone!

Jackie: What?! [sees his clone] No! Wait! [is tackled by the J-Team] I am me! He is not me!

Jackie Clone: Tricky clone, isn't he?

El Toro: Which is the real Jackie Chan?

Captain Black: I have a little quiz only the real Jackie could answer. Jackie, when is my birthday?

Jackie and Jackie Clone: Oh... uh...

Captain Black: [bummed out] Jackie, I thought we were pretty good friends...

Jade: Ahem. Hey Jackie, will you take me to Moose World this weekend?

Jackie Clone: Of course!

Jackie: -not! You have homework!

Jade: [points to the clone] There's your clone.

[pause; Jackie's clone kicks the door down and runs off]

Jackie Clone: Sorry, I'll be back to destroy you later, thank you!

Jade: [when Paco's clone is revealed] Paco has a clone and I don't?! Way unfair!

Uncle: We are in great danger!

El Toro: Paco, please! Say it is not so!

Paco Clone: But it is! And now, I will destroy you all. MWAHAHAHA!

Season 4

The Masks of the Shadowkhan [4.1]

Jade: Dullsville.

Jackie: No, the capital of Georgia is Atlanta. Jade, you're geography test is tomorrow. Let's try Oregon.

Jade: Why does Tohru get to study the fun stuff?!

Jade: My tattoo just have to be gnarrled.

Jade: Yes! [Jackie catches her]

Jackie: 50 states, 50 capitals.

Jade: [Groaning]

Jade: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Wah!

Jade: Before you get mad, listen. The capital of Kansas is Kansas city.

Jackie: The capital is Topeka and that is not the point!

Jade: Uh, oh. [Stares at Tarakudo] Whoa.

Tarakudo: You. [Recognizes Jade] Ah, the former queen of the ShadowKhan returning to the forces of darkness. [Jackie swoops up Jade]

Jackie: Thank you, no. Not today!

Jade: Er... What Jackie said.

Jade: Let me guess. Mr. Creepyhead?

Jackie: [Gasps] Jade, you're suppose to be with Captain Black!

Jade: Thought I should be here in case you fall another plane.

Jackie: And what do they want with these disobedient children? [Jade sticks her tongue and raspberry him]

Uncle: Feh. Floating head cannot be oni!

Tohru: It can't?

Uncle: Of course not! Everyone who has control the ShadowKhan has been Chinese! Shendu, Chinese! Daolon Wong, Chinese but oni are Japanese. [Uncle hears the beeping sound coming from Jackie's laptop]

Jackie: Radar indicates Dark Hand jet has landed in Hong Kong.

Uncle: See? Hong Kong, Chinese.

Hak Foo: [angry grunt] I wanted that!

Tohru: Uh, I read Japanese, but it has been many years in fact I am probably too shakey so forget that I...

Uncle: Tohru, read country now!

Tohru: Yes, sensei.

Tohru: The genchi tell of ancient warriors who once cast a spell to defeat this oni trapping its spirit within the mask. The key ingredient was Japanese steel specially forged for samurai sword.

Tohru: It goes on to say that Tarakudo once terrorized the land of the trusted oni generals. Each demon general control its own army which was composed of different tribe of ShadowKhan. [Jackie slaps his forehead]

Jade: Uh... Different how?

Jackie: I will prefer not to find out.

Tohru: Tarakudo's reign came to an end when the spirits of his generals were trapped within masks. 9 generals,9 masks.

Jade: 9 different types of ShadowKhan.

Jackie: Let me guess. The masks were scattered across the Earth?

Tohru: Yep. Uh.... One more thing. Should the 9 masks ever be rejoined their combined power summon enough ShadowKhan to engulf the entire Earth eternal darkness.

Uncle: Aiya! Tohru, you must do research!

Tohru: He must?

Uncle: You were told by childhood tales of oni by mother. You read Japanese, you are Japanese so you must do research!

Jackie: Peek-a-boo!

Samurai Ratso [4.2]

[Tohru holds an onion up to Tarakudo menacingly]

Tarakudo: Whoa! easy with that veggie, big fella. [Tohru tosses it at him] Aah! My eyes! My eyes!

Jackie: Jade, go with Uncle.

Jade: Aw.

[Jade goes with Uncle until Tohru and Jackie wave goodbye to him as the train speeds off]

Jade: I miss him already.

Jackie: Jade! I told you to go with Uncle! Not stay with...Uncle.

Jade: Tch. No wonder I'm confused. Too many uncles.

Tohru: [Groans] I hate fish.

Jade: Karaoke break, anyone?

Jackie: Jade, the first rule of research is patience.

Uncle: You have the willies?

Hak Foo: [Groans] I wanted that mask!

Uncle: Being away from my shop for so long makes me... nervous?

Jackie: Uncle?

Uncle: [Sighs] I'm only getting in your way. Tohru has knowledge of Japanese which Uncle does not, Tohru gets willies from oni which Uncle does not, Tohru knows tricks with vegetables which Uncle does...

The Amazing T-Troop [4.3]

Jade: Jackie, Scruffy hates puppy prison. How long we keep tormenting him this way?

Jackie: Jade, Scruffy must attend obdient school until he learns to listen. No doubt he takes after his master.

Jade: Har, har. Look I can prove Scuffy obeys all my commands. You ready, boy? Play dead.

Jackie: Oh, [chuckles] Jade,why don't you stay here and help Uncle find Farmer McDonald and his friends more appropriate logics.

Jade: Aw....

Jade: Wrong museum, Jackie. Mask is Japanese, not Jurassic.

Jackie: Jade! I thought I told you to help Farmer McDonald find a place to stay?

Jade: Tch. Did.

[After seeing the T-troop]

Tarakudo: This is your team, Mr. Chan? A child, a ham, a stuffed moose [laughs] and a flying chicken?

Black Magic [4.4]

Jackie: Why did I let you talk me into this?

Jade: You said it yourself, Jackie. You're too fat.

Jackie: I said, I am too heavy to climb the totem pole without risk of damaging it, Jade.

Jade: Heavy, fat. Same dif. Hey! He looks just like his mugshot!

Hak Foo: [Breaks down the trees] It will fit smugly... upon my face! Flying squirrel cracks acorns!

Tohru: Oh, I hate fish.

Jade: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: You watch Captain Black's back and I watch yours.

The Demon Behind [4.5]

Jackie: Eee-Yah! Not!

Tohru: [Groans] I hate fish.

Jackie: Go, go, go!

Finn, Ratso, and Chow: Not!

Ratso: [Chuckles evilly] Look what washed up on deck.

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing here?

Jade: Heh heh. Looks like I'm catch of the day.

Finn: Gimme back my mask, Chan.

Chow: Or it's anchor's away for your niece.

Tohru: I hate fish.

[The mask activates and ends on Finn's butt]

Finn: Aah! This is not happening! This is not happening!

Ratso: Not!

Chow: Demon magic, here I come!

Finn: Not! You clowns had your Shadow be a ninja masters and you blew it!

Uncle: One more thing...

Tohru: No more things!

Uncle: [Gasps] You disrespect Uncle?! Uncle took you in, put roof over your head, put food in your belly lots of food! And this is how you repay me?!

Tohru: I cook, I clean, I travel the world to be smothered by fish! And you thank me by demanding "Many more things!"

Tohru and Uncle: I will never speak to you again!

Jade: The demon from planet Ur...

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: Er... Neptune!

Jackie: Uncle, please.

Uncle: No, Uncle has it coming. [hits himself] Uncle had opportunity to warn Tohru, but did he? No! All because of silly argument. Now my apprentice is in danger of becoming demon. [hits himself] One more thing, Tohru was right. Uncle says "one more thing" too often.

Fright Fight Night [4.6]

Jackie: Trick for you, treat for me.

[Jade scares Jackie off as he was screaming]

Jade: [Angry growl]

Jackie: Wah! Jade!

Jade: Who is Jade?! I am the Oni Voodoo, mystress of dark.

Jackie: Oh, Makeup? [Groans] Jade, you shouldn't scare people like that.

Jade: Tch. Scaring is the whole point on Halloween, Jackie. And I have to win the scariest costume award at school tonight.

Jackie: But all things you have to choose...

Jade: I don't know anything scarier than oni demon, do you? [Grabs Jackie's hand] Now, come on! Time's are wasting!

Tarakudo: [Tsking] Chan, no mask. [Placing a pumpkin on Jackie's head] Much better. Jackie-O-Lantern. And now, I'll send you to the pumpkin patch.

Paco: [Wearing mask, seeing Tarakudo for first time] Are you the Great Pumpkin?

Tarakudo: Erm, yes.

Tarakudo: Pop quiz: Why is Jackie Chan not also here searching for the mask?

Chow: Uh...

Tarakudo: Answer: Because Mr. Chan already has the mask.

Ratso: Oh! I knew that.

Tarakudo: End of quiz. Now for the pop.

The Shadow Eaters [4.7]

Jackie: Jade, where is the mask?

Hak Foo: [Groans] At last!

Jade: Uh... Found it.

Hak Foo: And now, Chans. Prepare to make the fiercest tribe of ShadowKhan yet, mine! Demon summons ninja army!

[Jackie and Jade gasp with horror, but it is revealed his ShadowKhan are only a few centimeters tall]

Hak Foo: They're...they are...they are so...

Jade: Cute!

Hak Foo: Demon compensates for inferior ninja army!

[Hak Foo sends Jackie by throwing him to the alligators by chomping him up]

Jade: No!

Jackie: WaAh!

Jade: Jackie, grab on! [The alligators gobble him up in the bottom of the water]

Jade: Jackie!

Hak Foo: I will not see you later, alligator.

Jade: Faster, Jackie! He's gaining!

Jackie: Jade, this is much...

Jade: Too dangerous? Hey, I must be psychic!

Half a Mask of Kung-Fu [4.8]

Hak Foo: SCREAMING EAGLE FEET! [kicks at Jackie, only to end up piercing the bottom of his foot on the horn of a skull stuck on Jackie's head] AAH! Crying puppy feet! Crying puppy feet!

Uncle: Uncle sends you to find Oni mask and you return with gibberish?

Jade: Hello! It's not gibberish; it's a site on the Web.

Uncle: Ooh, the mask has been taken by giant spider?

Uncle: [watching Jade use her laptop] Jade, why did you not tell Uncle your waffle iron was magic?

Jackie: You're FilthyRich1?

Jade: But you're not rich, just-

Valmont: I am fully aware of the irony!

Jackie: The mask is evil, Jade. It is only a matter of time before it turns you evil too.

Jade: [wearing half of an Oni mask] Tch, I can handle it. One, it's only half the evil of a regular mask. And two... [demonic voice] the next time you call me crazy, I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR BRAINS! [regular voice] ...Hehe, see your point.

Jackie: We have to find the delivery truck.

Jade: No problem, Jackie. I'll just order my half-a-khan to chase it down and [demonic voice] feast upon the delicious gray matter of the helpless mortal inside!

Jackie: Jade, the evil within you is growing stronger. You must resist it until we can find the potion.

Jade: Well, we better find it fast, 'cause your brains are starting to smell awful yummy.

Jackie: [cell phone rings] Hello? [hands it to Jade] It's for you.

Tohru: Jade, we were in the middle of a big auction and then all the icons disappeared.

Jade: No problem, T. Just click on the blinking Super-Moose in the corner and [demonic voice] SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO THE FORCES OF DARKNESS!

Tohru: Uh... I will figure it out on my own.

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Hey, Jackie.

Jackie: [Gasps]

The Good Guys [4.9]

Finn: No way are we handing over our life savings to someone who looks like a pizza boy.

Strikemaster Ice: Yo yo yo. This is one pizza boy who's going to serve up an extra large whupping with extra cheese!

Jade: Easy does it, Jackie.

Jackie: WaAh! Jade, why do you have to show up every time?!

Jade: Cause' you miss me if I didn't.

Jade: Let's finish him off! [Ratso and Chow stops her]

Chow: Now, Jade.

Ratso: You know your Uncle Jackie will not approve.

Jade: Aw...

J2 [4.10]

Jade: Is it just me, or this place a dump?

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing here?

Jade: Spending Chinese New Year with my love ones.

Jackie: Jade.

Jade and Future Jade: Yes, Jackie?

Jackie: Explain?

Future Jade: Soon after I became Section 13's head honcho, sunny boy made it to the top of our most wanted list. Luckily, I convinced you and Uncle to became Section 13's official magic consultants.

Jackie: [Shocked] You mean, I never leave Section 13!?

Future Jade: [Shrugs] But even you and Uncle couldn't prevent what happened next, Junior dusted off an old spell of his dad's. And conquered an army of dragon minions giving more enough muscle to take over Section 13. I soon realized the only way to save the future was to change the past. [Flashback, escapes Drago's dragon troop] It took some dueling, but I escaped Drago's troops. [Uses time portal by entering the past] But Junior got wise my plan and hitch on the ride on Uncle's spell.

Jade: Whoa. So all this already happened? In the future?

Jackie: There is one thing you have not told us, what exactly is Drago trying to stop you for changing in the past?

Future Jade: He's trying to stop me from preventing resurrection of his father.

Jackie: Shendu.

Jade: Say, are you sure he's Shendu's kid?

Future Jade: Who? The Tooth Fairy here?

Jade: Tch. I mean Shendu had edge, but this Drago dude's more like...

Future Jade: A gecko with zits?

Jade: Hey, do I ever get braces?

Future Jade: No.

Jade: Acne?

Future Jade: Some.

Jade: Wild stunts like those?

Future Jade: Section 13 standard wear.

Jade: I grew up to be a Section 13 agent?

Future Jade: Boss. You take... I took over for Captain Black after he was transferred the east coast to start up Section 14.

Jade: Me?! The big chief of Section 13?! We rock!

Jade: Oh, do you have to go back so soon? We haven't gone rollerblading, or-or mastered the Pukenator at Moose World.

Future Jade: Been there, done that. Besides don't you think...

Jade: Hanging around with myself is a little weird? Yeah, we'd probably just sit around all day finishing...

Jade And Future Jade: Each other's sentences.

Future Jade: You were supposed to stay put.

Jade: Tch. You know me better than that.

Jade: [Groans] I think I'm gonna hurl!

Future Jade: This is from the girl who rode the pukenator 10 times in a row in Moose World?

Jade: Hey, how did you know that?

Future Jade: Talk later.

Jade: Now, wait a second.

Future Jade: We have to keep moving, Jade. Trust me.

Jade: Uncle Jackie never told me to...

Future Jade: Never trust strangers, never chew with your mouth open, and never spit into the wind. Duh.

Jade: Whoa, time out! Are you... [The woman removes her hat and sunglasses revealing herself to be an adult version of Jade]

Future Jade: You? Took you long enough.

Jade: If you're me, then you must be... from the future.

Future Jade: Double bonus score.

Jade: But, how? Why?

Future Jade: I'll give you the download on the way. [Whistles for taxi]

Jade: I learned to whistle like that? Cool!

Jade: So they have time machines in the future?

Future Jade: How old do I look? I used one of Uncle's spells.

Jade: So, why did you just tell Jackie and Uncle who you were back there?

Future Jade: Didn't have time to convince them. Too busy to save the future.

Jade: From what? [Gasps]

Future Jade: Him, Shendu's son.

Jade: That's how you blew him in the junkyard!

Future Jade: The Dragon Talisman. Never leave the future without it.

Jade: Drago's a hothead.

Future Jade: Like father, like son.

Jade: Good news is, we still have one just like it in the vault at Section 13.

Future Jade: Bad news is, we're not at Section 13.

[Jade and Future Jade got startled]

Jade: Heh. Parade float.

Future Jade: Heh. Chinese New Year.

Jade: You distract Lizard lips and I'll jump him from behind.

Future Jade: If Drago bumps you off in the present, I can pop off out of existence. And the future will be history.

Jade: Whoa. This time travel stunt is freaky.

Jackie: Look. Jade has nothing to do with this.

Two Jades: Talk later!

Future Jade: I didn't intend to involve you guys, but I arrived a lot later than I hoped. Heh. Never tested Uncle's spell.

Jackie: [Groans] And I thought one Jade gave me a headache. But why did you come back here?

Jade: Duh. Isn't it obvious? Future me is so mega bad that dragon boy had to come back to the past to rebel me out long just as squirt. So I surf time to protect myself and kick his scaley butt all the way back to the future.

Jackie: Then why did Drago leave without chop ruling you?

Jade: Well, because... Yeah. Why did Drago leave?

Future Jade: Because he has bigger fish to fry.

Jackie: How much bigger?

Future Jade: I didn't follow Drago here. Drago followed me. To keep me from putting ambush on the age of dragons.

Jade: Age of dragons?

Jackie: I do not like the sound of that.

Future Jade: Stay here.

Jade: Aw...

The J-Tots [4.11]

Jackie Tot: Jade!

Jade: I know... I am so grounded.

Jackie Tot: No! Kids against grown ups!

Viper Tot: Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man, bake me a cake like Jackie Chan!

Jade: Jackie, I patched a mondo plan to take down the J team's arch nemesis our enemy Chang . Tell you all about it on the way to Section 13. [being grabbed]

Jackie: The only plan, Jade, is for you to stay here with Uncle.

Jade: [Angry grunt] Jackie never listens, doesn't he realize I'm only the member with the brains behind the J team?

[Helga Sorenson rolls down the long stairs]

Tohru: I told you, I do not fight women.

Déjà Vu [4.12]

Uncle: [Gasps] The dark chi master himself.

Jade: Tch. The sly niece meister herself. [Shows the Deja Vu stone]

Uncle: The Deja Vu Stone.

Jackie: Jade.

Jade: Come on, Jackie. I helped saved the day 72 times. The world's half a dozen times and your butt more times than I care to count.

Jackie: And you made a mess of things more times than I care to count.

Jade: But I always clean up after myself. Just admit it, Jackie. You need me. Hey!

Jackie, Uncle and Jade: Daolon Wong?!

Daolon Wong: Many thanks for the memories. [Jackie kicks the Deja Vu Stone and he and Daolon Wong are gone]

Jade: Jackie? Jackie?

Uncle: Turning into statue is better.

Jade: [Chuckles nervously] Depends who you ask.

Jade: The Strength Talisman. Good one.

Jackie: I know, Jade. Wah! Jade, how did you...

Jade: Your hands! [Jackie looks at his hands are glowing] I get it! That must be Uncle's magic and... [Gasps and Shendu begins to attack Jackie]

Jade: [Angry grunt] I blow it again! I distracted Jackie just like I did today! Does twice like a pattern?

Jackie: Could it be? A view?! In a nice, cozy, danger free hotel?! A happy memory... [Jade 6 turns to Jade 8] Wah!

Jade: Jackie, don't worry. I can explain everything! [All the Jade clones fall out of the closet]

Jade Clones: Wah! Whoa! [Nervous chuckle] Hi, Jackie.

Jade: So I'm quite the rascal, but it's not like I'm evil or anything.

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: I couldn't help it, I was possessed!

Uncle: Did Uncle ask you tattooed demon face onto your leg, no? You do not see Uncle walking around being evil, do you?

Jade: Uh, Unc? [Uncle sees himself as a Chi Vampire]

Uncle: Uncle could not help it. Was victim of chi vampire.

Jade: Oh, yeah. And I have the piece in your mind.

Jackie: Take me back to the beginning!

Daolon Wong: Hmph. So here we are, back in the old fool's trash heap.

Uncle: That is old fool's rare trash heap to you!

Jade: Wait a sec. [Looks at her bags] Jackie went to the wrong beginning, the first time we met!

Jackie: Wait, this can't be right, where are Uncle and...

Daolon Wong: Give me that! [Jackie drops the deja vu stone and stares at Jade]

Jackie: Jade...

Jade: Jackie is right, I do get in his way.

Finn: You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist?

Jackie: I bet you were looking for the shield I brought back from Bavaria.

Finn: We're looking for the... How'd you know?

Jackie: [Points at Daolon Wong] He has it!

Daolon Wong: Chan is lying! Do you not recognized your master?!

Finn: The only master we have is big V!

Chow: And he's gonna wanna hear all about where you stashed the shield!

Jade: Way to rewrite history, Jackie!

Uncle: Did they buy anything?

Jackie: No.

Uncle: You are terrible salesman! [Jackie looks at Jade and picks up the phone]

Uncle: Who are you calling?

Jackie: Jade's parents. She must return to Hong Kong.

Uncle: But she just arrived.

Jade: What?! No way! Who's gonna help save the day?! The world?! Jackie's butt?!

Jackie: Uncle, you must trust me. It will be better for Jade,for us if she does not stay.

Jade: No, Jackie. Hang up the phone, you need me!

Jade's Dad: Hello?

Jackie: Uh... Sorry, wrong number. [Jade sighs in relief]

Uncle: Jackie, next time you make crank call phone loca.

Jade: Living with you guys is gonna rock!

Jackie: [Sighs] You have no idea just yet how much.

Uncle: You speak English! [Jade shrugs]

Jackie: Now, return me to the present.

Jade: Jackie, you do need me!

Jackie: Jade, how did you know? [Jade points at herself and Uncle]

Uncle: Where did Jackie go? [Jade shrugs]

Jade: I'm glad you decided to keep me around.

Jackie: Let it just say, I realize that perhaps you have save me a time or two.

Jade: Tch. Try 72.

Jackie: Gah! A broken leg?! But I did not even hit the ground!

Jade: Jackie!

Jackie: Ah, Jade! Did you see the mess you got me into?

Jade: Gee, Jackie. I already admit it was total my fault you slipped in my Gnome Cop action figure and busted your leg.

Jackie: No, not that! If you have got in the way and allow Daolon Wong to take the Deja Vu stone, I wouldn't be lost in time!

Jade: Huh?

Jackie: [Frustrated] Never mind. You are the past Jade. You would not know that.

Jade: Uncle, do you think Jackie's right? Did I really mess things up?

Uncle: [scoffs] Nonsense, Jade. Jackie needs to watch where he's walking.

Jade: Not the broken leg, the Deja Vu thing! I'm still like a dummy when Long Snake it from me! It's all my fault Jackie's stuck in rerunville!

Jade: Wow, look at Jackie go! Hmmm. Guess he does do okay without my help.

Jade: I'll give Jackie a 9.2 for thinking on his feet for we really work much better as a team.

Jackie: No! No, Jade! Do not get on that plane! [Jade hops inside the plane along with El Toro Fuerte]

Jade: [chuckle nervously] See? Teamwork.

Uncle: You never listen.

Jade: See the oinker at 12 o' clock?

Jackie: Yes, that is very nice, Jade. But I really not supposed to be here. [Jackie founds the Deja Vu Stone on the cymbals]

Uncle: There.

Jade: Check it out, I helped!

Jackie: The Deja Vu Stone!

Jade: Yeah, whatever. Aren't we looking for the Pig Talisman? Tohru!

Hak Foo: Many thanks for leading us to the prize.

Uncle: You are not welcome!

Hak Foo: You!

Tohru: Why so afraid? He's an old man.

Uncle: That will teach foolish Tohru to mess with Uncle with his power by immortality talisman! [Realized] Do not tell faithful apprentice Uncle said that.

Jade: Come on, Jackie! Grab the stone and will yourself back here!

Jade: Hyah! [Kicks Tohru] He's in the house! Hyah! [Saves Captain Black, Uncle and Jackie] I got your back, Jackie!

Jackie: Quick, Jade! The antidote!

Jade: No! Tch. You think I would have gotten right the second time around.

Uncle: Your past self does not know then but you know now, Jade.

Jackie: Maybe... This is possible to... being cursed to relive all the... worse moments of my life!

Jade: Ooh. If memories were served, here's where I make a star entrance and save the day!

Jackie: Since you have things well in hand, Uncle. I will take my leave. [Gasps]

Daolon Wong: The stone is mine!

Hak Foo: Who is that?!

Jade: And what's with the stone you all keep jabbering about?! Wong snake his way in!

Uncle: Aiya!

Ninja Twilight [4.13]

Jade: I call Dragon! [Jackie passes a Dog and Rat Talismans] Dog and Rat? Aw, you gotta hog on the cool ones.

Jackie: Jade, you will remain here.

Jade: What?! No way!

Jackie: Jade, please. I could not live with myself if something happened to you.

Jade: Aw...

Jackie: Super Moose?

Jade: Jackie! [Grabs the Rabbit Talisman and throws it to him]

Jackie: Jade, you are supposed to be...

Jade: I decided I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you.

Jade: Easy, as any ex queen of the ShadowKhan can tell you, wearing the sign of Tarakudo can keep control over ninjas. It's tattoo time.

Jackie: No, Jade. It is far too dangerous even if you have done it before.

Uncle: I volunteer Tohru.

Season 5

Relics of Demons Past [5.1]

Jade: Incoming! [Jackie telescopes Jade as she is burping]

Jackie: [Groans] Jade.

Jade: You Tarzan, and me Jade.

Jade: So CB, What's my assignment? [Jackie carries Jade's backpack]

Jackie: The only assignments you'll be getting today are at school.

Jade: Aw...

Jade: But, what about freedom of expression? This is America, you know.

Jackie: Jade, this has nothing to do with free speech and everything to do with self control. Promise me, no more burping.

Jade: Fine. I'll just explode from a builds of gas when I'm 16.

Jackie: Jade, stay here.

Jade: Seriously, [Jackie is shocked] don't you ever get tired saying that?

Jackie: I will draw their fire, you run back to Captain Black's truck.

Jade: But, Jackie...

Jackie: And no arguments.

Jackie: Jade?

Jade: Uncle Jackie!

Jackie: Waah! What happened to you?!

Jade: What's happening to me?!

Jackie: Jade, tell me you're fooling around Uncle's spells.

Jade: No, I swear! I just looked up and bam! Toad girl!

Jackie: It's alright. Uncle will know what to do.

Jade: But what if I'm a girl toad forever? Just sitting around and eating flies, waiting to croak?

It's All in the Game [5.2]

Jade: Baru? Here we come! I am so gonna kick butt in that game! Woo-Hoo! Yeah!

Jackie: We're not going to Baru to compete,Jade. You will stay here with Tohru.

Jade: Aw come on, Uncle Jackie. I've seen every single episodes of International Island Challenge. [Jackie stands up as she grabs his leg tighter] You gotta take me!

Jackie: Jade.

Jade: I know, I know. I always have to play the home version.

Jade: Hey, Jackie.

Jackie: [startled] Jade, what are you doing here?!

Jade: Get serious.

Tohru: Sorry, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade, listen to me. I told you before we are not here to play games.

Jade: [Gasps]

Jackie: Jade...

Jade: What? We were just talking.

Jade: Relax, they're not home.

Jackie: Aah! Jade, go back to the treehouse.

Jade: Jackie, three words. Flat. Screen. Television.

Jackie: How many times do I have to tell you? We must stay focused on our mission, not the game.

Black and White Chi All Over [5.3]

Tohru: Drago!

Jackie: And... Strikemaster Ice?

Jade: Hey, Pizza-face got a Drago makeover!

Strikemaster Ice: Yo dawg, you didn't say nothing about putting the hurt on Chan. First day on the job and we already get a bonus!

Jade: Okay, Jackinator. You go left, I'll go right. And we'll catch Drago...

Jackie: Jade, you stay here.

Jade: You can't go in without backup. Hmph.

Jade: Aw, come on! You know it's my birthday! Now for breakfast, I want chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries and...

Jackie: I'm sorry, Jade. Things are a little busy around Section 13 this morning. We'll have to celebrate your birthday later.

Jade: What?! How much later?!

Jackie: Uh... Just be patient.

Jade: Aw...

Jackie: I am sorry, Jade. Your birthday celebration will have to wait just a little longer.

Jade: That's okay. We can party in San Diego!

Jackie: Uh... It's too dangerous. You stay here.

Jade: That's not right. You can't dis the birthday girl.

Jade: Hey, Jackie. [Jackie is startled]

Jade: Now that we have the flower power, it's time to party down! I'm still the birthday girl for 10 hours!

Jackie: We'll be back home in time for big birthday dinner.

Jackie: Jade, stay here. [Uncle and Tohru go along with him, leaving Jade behind]

Jade: Aw...

Jade: Step away from the lotus pod.

Jackie: Jade!

Jade: I'm your backup, remember?

Jade: Ooh, ooh. Let me be the living vessel! I can handle it! I have experience! [Jackie ignores her and rushes out] Come on, it's my birthday!

Dragon Scouts [5.4]

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing? Those clothes are being donated to charity. And that is your Buttercup scout uniform.

Jade: I know, I quit the buttercups.

Jackie: Huh? Why?

Jade: Quilt making, cookie selling, hello?! If I wanted to be bored out of my gourd, I can just hang here with you and Uncle.

Jackie: But scouting provides a valuable experience, Jade. You mustn't quit.

Jade: So who said I can quitting scouting? I'll join the Dragon scouts.

Jackie: But the Dragon scouts are all boys.

The Demon Beneath My Wings [5.5]

Jade: We'll put up for a spin.

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing here?

Jade: Like I'm gonna come all the way down to Australia and not ride on a kangaroo? Tch.

Jade and Jackie: Aah!

Jackie: Jade, I told you to stay on the bus!

Jade: What's the point?

Mirror, Mirror [5.6]

Jade: Oh, no. I'm a mule. A stubborn mule!

Jackie: [Gasps] My head! It's huge!

Tohru: I'm turning into my mother!

Jade: Hey, I kinda like Uncle this way. [Jackie and Uncle stares at her as she makes a donkey noise as Uncle smiles] At least I'm not a mime. Why don't you walk against the wind or something!

Jackie: [Groans] All right, both of you. You're giving me a headache. A big one!

Antler Action [5.7]

Jade: Jackie! [Lifts Jackie up]

Clash of the Titanics [5.8]

Jade: Well, what are you land lubbers waiting for? Let's shape up and ship out!

Jackie: You are not going, Jade.

Jade: Jackie, I saw a movie Titanic 12 times. That makes me total expert on sunken treasure!

Uncle: Jade, you must listen to Jackie. You cannot go sub with us.

Jackie: And neither can you, Uncle. Not with your cold or those germs in a tiny close space. [Uncle slaps Jackie's head] Ow!

Uncle: Uncle is not infectious! [Sneezes] And you cannot perform removal spell yourself?

Jackie: You realize that, Uncle. But Tohru and I can retrieve the castanets. And you can perform the removal spells later on dry land.

Captain Black: Makes sense.

Jade and Uncle: Aw...

Jade: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Jade.....

Jade: I know, I know. Too dangerous, but you need me, Uncle Jackie. [He stares at her for a long time] Ok, fine. I'll leave.

Jackie: Very funny, we are 2,000 League under the sea and... [Sniffing the air] Why do you smell like garlic?

Jade: Not me. [Sniffing] It's coming from... [Jackie opens the vent and sees Uncle]

Uncle: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: Uncle!

Jade: Great minds, think alike.

Jade: Come on, slowpoke.

Jackie: Jade, you are staying inside the sub.

Jade: Aw...

Jackie: Luckily, I avoided batting against the bends. I... [Laughing] I mean, ground is all wobbly like pudding. Aw, I like Tapioca.

Jackie: Hello neighbors, Nice day.

Jackie: [Falls in the snow] Whoopsy!

Jackie: Aw, pretty. You made a snow angel.

Jackie: We play Pattycake?

Jackie: Castanet? Oh, we're going fishing? I like fishies!

Jackie: Peachy Keen.

Jackie: Ooh, pretty fireworks. Is it Chinese New Year already?

Jackie: Aw, we play freeze tag?

Jackie: You are it!

Jackie: [Giggling]

Tohru: Jackie, are you all right?

Jackie: Yes, but you two look very wobbly. Wobbly is a funny word rhymes with gobbly.

Jade: He has so got the bends.

Jackie: I do? OH, what a nice car. Yay for me! Oh, hello again, Buddy!

Jackie: [Giggling] Look at the flying old man.

Jackie: Whee!

Jackie: Ooh, pretty.

Jackie: A skating rink. Fun!

Jackie: Whirly-birdie!

Captain Black: Jackie has the bad case of the bends needs to take decompressed for thirty-eight hours, same for Uncle.

Uncle: Let Uncle out!

Jade: Poor guy, totally delusional.

Tohru: I do not understand, Jade. Why didn't you tell Captain Black that sensei had the bends?

Jade: Are you kidding?! That garlic smells was making me gag! I figured, two days of solitary, goodbye major stank!

Uncle: Let Uncle Out! Aiya!

Jackie: I hear knock knock. Who's there? [Giggles]. I like monkies and wax slips. This is a nice phone booth. Ooh, look! I can make funny sounds with my under arms. [Giggling] Oops, 'cuse me.

Stealing Thunder [5.9]

Tohru: I hate rain.

Jackie: I told you to stay by the car.

Jade: Hello? You didn't say which car. Ah!

Jade: Please, please, please, please? I'll do all my chores!

Jackie: You do all your chores regardless.

Jade: Uncle Jackie, I'm like the only kid in the world doesn't have Robomirks!

Jackie: [Sighs] Video games will distract you from your studies.

Jade: That's not true! Program in your mondo cool things that's creative writing, keeping score that's math. Honestly, Robomirks is more educational homework.

Jackie: We will see.

Jade: Translation: forget about it.

Jackie: Jade, what are you doing?!

Jade: Is this a question?!

Weight and See [5.10]

Tohru: I hate fish.

Jade: Cool! I can practice my French [Speaks French]

Jackie: No Quebec and no argument. You have a math test tomorrow,remember? You stay here with Tohru.

Jade: Aw...

Curator: Bonjour. Comment allez-vous aujourd’hui?

Jackie: [looks surprised before turning to Uncle, realizing that he doesn’t understand some of the French language] Maybe we should have brought Jade.

Tohru: I hate fish and tofu patty.

J2 Revised [5.11]

Jackie: Jade, Uncle and I are going snorkeling.

Jade: Guess I'll go too. Maybe I can find some sunken treasure or something.

Jackie: Uh, why don't you stay on shore with Tohru?

Jade: Ah!

Jackie: Jade, you weren't supposed to... [Jade smiles innocently] Oh, why did I bother?

Jade: I knew this wasn't a real vacation, so what's the 411 on the big, blue marble?

Uncle: No marble.

Future Jackie: Jade, we brought your favorite. Triple black burritos.

Jade: Thanks, time hopping gives me a major munchies.

Future Jackie: Jade?!

Future Uncle: Jade?!

Future Tohru: Jade?!

Future Jackie: Jade, explain.

Two Jades: I also stole our half of the Arcanum of Chi in the past by using a time portal spell. So I followed him through when he escaped back to the future.

Future Jackie: Please, one Jade at a time.

Jade and Future Jade: Our bad.

Jackie: Jade, explain.

Jade: What happened to you? You used to rock!

Future Jade: You think I like pushing papers all day? I don't, but this is my job and Captain Black is my boss. You have to grow up sometime, Jade.

The Powers That Be (Part 1) [5.12]

Drago: I told you slackers to stay in the truck.

Strikemaster Ice: Yeah, well us slackers kind of changed our minds about how it's gonna go down.

Drago: Oh?

MC Cobra: Figured, why let you get all the powers?

Drago: You... want some of them?

Strikemaster Ice: No, dawg. We want all of them!

Drago: Show me the chi!

Jade: Show me the Chan Clan.

The Powers That Be (Part 2) [5.13]

Tohru: I hate fish!

Jade: I know I messed up, but let me make it up to you. Please, Jackie. You can't split up the Chan Clan at a time like this.

Jackie: No, Jade. Section 13 is the safest place in the city and you will stay right here .

Jade: Aw...

Jade: Agent Jade, reporting for duty, sir! Let's head them up, and move them out!

Captain Black: Jade, I think you done enough for one night.

Jade: Er.. I didn't mean for Drago keeping the demon chi. I had a plan to...

Jackie: We know you were trying to protect us, Jade.

Jade: Er...

Jackie: And we appreciate it.

Captain Black: And from here on out, little lady. You need to leave the fight to the heavyweights.

Jade: Come on, Big T! We're missing all the action! [Tohru crossed his arms] Aw...

Drago: The Earth was within my grasp! You never let me have what I want!

Shendu: I told you not to play with your father's world!

Drago: Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always too busy fighting wizards!

Cast

[in order of appearance]

Jackie Chan - Voiced by James Sie
Uncle Chan - Voiced by Sab Shimono
Jade Chan - Voiced by Stacie Chan
Captain Augustus Black - Voiced by Clancy Brown
Tohru - Voiced by Noah Nelson
El Toro Fuerte - Voiced by Miguel Sandoval
Paco - Voiced by Franco Velez
Viper - Voiced by Susan Eisenberg
Valmont - Voiced by Julian Sands (Seasons 1 and 2); Andrew Ableson (Seasons 3 and 4)
Finn - Voiced by Adam Baldwin
Ratso - Voiced by Clancy Brown
Chow - Voiced by James Sie
Hak Foo - Voiced by Jim Cummings (Season 1 only); John DiMaggio (Season 2 onwards)
Shendu - Voiced by James Sie

External Links

Wikipedia

Wikipedia has an article about:

Jackie Chan Adventures