Jane Wagner (born 26 February 1935) is an American playwright and actress, most famous as Lily Tomlin's comedy writer, collaborator, companion and wife.
- As performed by Lily Tomlin
- Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
- Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it....
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
- Unsourced variant: Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- When you're dancing the mystical dance of the molecules, you're not the one who's leading.
- It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
- Unsourced variants: I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep inner need to complain.
- All my life, I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
- If I had known what it would be like to have it all... I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
- No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
- Unsourced variant: No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
- I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.
- Your problem is your role models were models.
- I swear people don't want sex so much as they want somebody who'll listen to 'em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen.
- Remember we're all in this alone.
Other material for Lily Tomlin
- Material in Lily Tomlin's acts credited to Wagner at Tomlin's classic site.
- Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.
- For fast acting relief, try slowing down.
- If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
- If the formula for water is H2O, is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?
- If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
- Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
- The best mind-altering drug is truth.
- The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying — but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?
- Interviewer: You once said you had a drug problem...
Lily: Yeah, I still do. It's so hard to find good grass these days.