Jay London

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Jay London (born September 12, 1966, in The Bronx) is an American stand-up comic whose one-liner jokes made him a favorite on NBC's second and third seasons of Last Comic Standing. He had a thing for saying "Thank you" after some of his one-liners, depending on crowd reaction. He also acted very self-conscious and would randomly badmouth himself, especially if the crowd was left dumbstruck by a joke and didn't laugh much. It was all part of the act.

One-liners[edit]

  • So how do you like my overall look? (Jay's usual stage attire was bib overalls)
  • You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on evolutionary chart.
  • I get all my hair products at PetCo. (Jay's hair is long, curly, and quite messy)
  • You know what burns me? Matches.
  • I was born nine months premature.
  • I work at Bed Bath and Beyond. I work in the Beyond section. When someone asks me where the Bath section is, I say "It's beyond me."
  • It all started when my dog received free rollover minutes.
  • People read me but they don't subscribe.
  • After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, because we all have nicknames. So I named my private part Pride. It's not much, but at least I have my Pride.
  • I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
  • I went to a urologist. He told me I could go at any time.
  • My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
  • I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.
  • I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said "Compared to who?"
  • A guy gave me a job at an information booth, no questions asked.
  • I went on a date with a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
  • A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
  • I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
  • I recorded my hair this morning. Tonight I'm watching the highlights.
  • My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
  • I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
  • I went to the store and bought lady fingers. When I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
  • I saw a sign that said "Left Lane Closed." So I went someplace else.
  • I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
  • I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
  • My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
  • I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
  • I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry, it's not the end of the world.
  • My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
  • I saw a stationery store move.
  • My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
  • I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
  • I model irregular clothing.
  • I had a very lonely New Year's this year. I had to watch my own balls drop.
  • I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
  • I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
  • People ask me what I think about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
  • I dated a partially nude model, and she did a half-assed job.
  • At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
  • Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

Self-degradation[edit]

  • Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
  • Take my life, please.
  • Thank you.
  • Am I bothering you, miss?
  • It'll be over soon, miss.
  • Let me move over here. (Jay would then move barely a few inches to the left or right. He generally repeats this a few times per show)
  • Sir, would you please come up here and kick the shit out of me?

Set-enders[edit]

  • Did you know it was a year ago today?
  • Well, I'd like to leave you with a joke.
  • Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.