Jeff Stilson

Jeff Stilson (born c. 1959) is a US comedian. He has 14 Emmy-award nominations as a comedy writer and producer for Late Show With David Letterman, TV Nation, Politically Incorrect, The Chris Rock Show, The Osbournes, and Da Ali G Show. He won Emmys for his work on The Chris Rock Show and The Osbournes. He has also appeared as a stand-up comedian on Letterman, Leno, Conan, HBO and Comedy Central.

Quotes

Comedy Central Presents Jeff Stilson (2003)

• I'm trying to wean myself off sports, it's too time consuming. I don't watch football anymore, I gave that up. I got tired of the interviews after the games, because the winning players always give credit to God, and the losers blame themselves. You know, just once I'd like to hear a player say, 'Yeah, we were in the game, until Jesus made me fumble. He hates our team.'

• It's actually quite difficult to stay awake while watch golf on television. It's a great sleep inducer. I think this is why the commentators in golf whisper. They don't want to wake you up. 'Looks like Tiger has about a twenty foot putt, and while he's lining it up I'll take this opportunity to sing "Rock-a-Bye baby,...".

• I have tremendous respect for women after watching my wife give birth three times. I could never, ever raise a child to whom I gave birth. You know, because a newborn is about the size of a basketball, and if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again. Not even on weekends.

• It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer.... I got so desperate toward the end of my wife's third pregnancy that I found myself reading the credits at the end of movies, looking for names. Which means at some point, I'll have to explain to my little boy that he was named after the key grip on "Dude, Where's my Car?".

• I've been married eight and a half years. I like being married, too. I like being married for two reasons. One, I got really tired to dating, and two, I got really tired of exercising. I don't understand these couples who get married and continue to exercise and eat healthily. I mean, what's the point of getting married if you can't let yourself go? It's not as if you have to be attractive anymore; the race is over, take off the uniform.