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A New Family [1.01]
- Pauly D: I was born and raised a guido. It's just a lifestyle; it's being Italian, it's representing, family, friends, tanning, gel, everything.
- Angelina: How do you go in a fucking jacuzzi with a thong and a bra? Wear a thong bikini, that's a little bit more classier if you're gonna wear anything at all, ya know what I mean?
- Ronnie: You just take your shirt off and they come to you, it's like a fly comes to shit.
- Snooki: I'm going to Jersey Shore, bitch!
- Sammi: A guidette is somebody who knows how to club it up, takes really good care of themselves, has pretty hair, cakes on makeup, has tanned skin, wears the hottest heels, pretty much they know how to own it and rock it.
- Mike "The Situation": You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody that looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off.
The Tanned Triangle [1.02]
- Mike "The Situation": I wait till the last minute to shave, I wait till the last minute to put the shirt on 'cause you feel fresh. These are rules to live by, shave last minute, haircut the day-of, maybe some tanning and the gym. You gotta do the guido handbook.
- Mike "The Situation": With me and Sam, it's not a matter of if she wants to hook up with me, it's a matter of just when I decide.
- Mike "The Situation": Everybody loves me, babies, dogs, ya know, hot girls, cougars. I just have unbelievable mass appeal.
- Ronnie: The Ron-Ron Juice is the shit that gets the night going, I mean whenever that shit comes out it's always a filthy night.
- Angelina: I feel like this job is beneath me, I'm a bartender. I do, like, great things.
Good Riddance [1.03]
- Snooki: I had a feeling where I wanted to make out with somebody, so, umm, I just made out with Ryder, because all the guys like that.
- Snooki: Mike can be a nice guy, like, he shows his good side then he shows his jerk off side. That's what I like: a good guy and a jerk off, it's all in the same.
- Pauly D: [about J-Woww] She just doesn't want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with her tongue.
- Vinny: Saturday night, I'm going to Headliners. I'm looking to have more of a classy night tonight.
- Mike "The Situation": Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.
Fade to Black [1.04]
- Pauly D: When I go into the club I have a game plan, I don't wanna waste my time and take home a girl that just wants to hang out, I just wanna get to the business…so. You light it up and then you move on and at the end of the night, you see who you end up with.
- Sammi: [about Snooki] This little shrimp thing is like bopping all around, on the circle and like doing her thing, doing backwards flips with her thong hanging out; her whole crotch is in the air.
- Ronnie: Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point. Seriously, he would.
- Sammi: Yes, I had sex, like hello, you're gonna have sex if you're into somebody. It's natural.
Just Another Day at the Shore [1.05]
- Ronnie: [what he would do if he was J-Woww's boyfriend] I would give her dick in bubblegum. I would send her a picture of my dick in a pack of bubblegum and say "chew on this."
- Ronnie: J-Woww's pussy must be rainbows and pots of treasure.
- Vinny: They're pretty cool, ya know, there are some girls that are just gonna come here, strip off their clothes, and jump in the jacuzzi. Then there are some girls that are respectful, that you have to just actually treat like girls, human beings.
- Pauly D: They're cool girls. They're smart and everything, but they want to hook up just as well, but I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They're not, like, whores.
- Sammi: I definitely want to look good for Ronnie's parents, because it's the first time they're meeting me. Like, I want them to think like, wow, that's her, she's really pretty, and whatever.
Boardwalk Blowups [1.06]
- Pauly D: It's so hard to find a good man these days. That's why I date women.
- Mike "The Situation": I felt bad about Snickers getting hit by a couple linebackers. I necessarily didn't want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures what-so-ever. I mean, these broads just probably smelled the food at the house.
- Pauly D: Through the scuffle, Snooks gets hit in the face again. Poor girl...she needs to take some karate classes or somethin'. She needs self defense. Somebody's got to teach her how to fight or duck.
- Snooki: I hate guys. I'm turning lesbian, I swear.
- Mike "The Situation": G.T.L. baby. Gym, Tanning, Laundry.
What Happens in A.C. [1.07]
- Mike "The Situation": When there was knockin' on the door, I was like, this is either the police for me, this is either some lawyer, somebody's dad, somebody's brother...
- Vinny: [to Mike] How do I taste, bro? How does my dick taste, bro? Congratulations on my sloppy seconds.
- Snooki: Can I have a roll please?
- Mike "The Situation": Don't worry, you got a couple.
- Mike "The Situation": I like my clothes like my women...options.
- Pauly D: You like your girls like your underwear...dirty.
- Snooki: You look at me you think I'm like a stuck-up bitch, but yet, like, veterinarian, like that's my soul, like I fuckin' like, save animals, like that's what I do.
One Shot [1.08]
- Snooki: My boobs are so tight I can't breathe, is that normal?
- Vinny: [about Pauly D's stalker] Yo, Pauly D has a little situation on his hands...she's definitely a stage 5 clinger.
- Vinny: Snooki's outfit is crazy, she looks like a birthday cake, she's all decorated, dressed up, with the pink, boobs all out up in her face. I guess she wants to go out with a big bang, literally.
- Mike "The Situation": It's obvious that Sammi has a crush on me. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.
- Snooki: I'm not trashy, unless I drink too much.
That's How the Shore Goes [1.09]
- Mike "The Situation": I knew she was 18, that ass does not look 12.
- J-Woww: It's juice-head central right now, I'm in heaven.
- Ronnie: I regret that I got caught. I don't regret that I hit the kid, because he had it coming.
- Mike "The Situation": [to Snooki] If a guy doesn't like you, it's called fuck you, and there's so many people out there in the world that's gonna like you for you.
- J-Woww: Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like, multiple growth hormones...that's the type I'm attracted to.
Goin' South [2.01]
- Vinny: My uncles want me to just come here and bang everything, but I kinda want better quality girls.
- Snooki: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning... because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned.
- Emilio Antonio: How many meatballs do you want?
- Snooki: I want two...in my face.
- Pauly D: [about the cold rain in Rhode Island] Can't stand this weather. Ya can't get tanned in this weather, ya can't creep in this weather, you can't do anything… girls don't come out in this weather, they stay in the house.
- Mike "The Situation": Ronnie's at the club, hooking up with Grenades - that is a bigger, ugly chick - and also Landmines - which is a thin, ugly chick - and um, lovin' life.
- Snooki: I feel like a pilgrim from the frickin 20's!!!
The Hangover [2.02]
- Mike "The Situation": We have an abundance of wife beaters...and we wear them before we go out, before it's T-shirt time. Right before we go out, we take off the tank and then we put on our fresh shirt.
- Mike "The Situation": Can I place an order?
- Delivery guy: What's the name?
- Mike "The Situation": Situation.
- Delivery guy: Name?
- Mike "The Situation": Yeah. Situation. S-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n.
- Delivery guy: Whatever man, what's your order?
- Snooki: [after knocking the marinating chicken onto the floor] My first thought was, I don't wanna clean this up. My second thought was, I just fucked up dinner. My third thought was, what the fuck am I gonna eat?
- Pauly D: My boss seems to think that my hair is gonna fall off and go into the ice cream. This hair ain't movin' my dude. 150 mph on the highway on a street bike...it doesn't move! What makes you think it's gonna move in a gelato shop?
- Angelina: It's not like anybody's gonna be my friend after this anyway.
- Pauly D: That's true.
- Snooki: [behind the counter] I can't see any ice creams, I can't see any customers, 'cause I'm a fuckin' Smurf.
- Vinny: You look hot. You just took my breath away.
- Snooki: You tryin' to smush right now?
- Snooki: Wanna fuck?
- Vinny: Sure.
- Vinny: Jenni's tits definitely defy gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jenni's tits.
Breaking Up [2.04]
The Letter [2.05]
- Ronnie: Right away I know it's either Snooki or Jenni, but then I read the letter and I see the word "wisely," and I know Snooki doesn't use that kinda vocabulary.
- Mike "The Situation": [to Angelina] Clean the house, you dirty mess...Please hit the f--kin' treadmill! You know what, don't even hit the treadmill, hit the elliptical, it's better for you.
- Snooki: Do you know what gay guys do? They're not attracted to vagina, they're attracted to asshole.
Not So Shore [2.06]
- Snooki: Jen, you're fuckin' retarded for agreeing with Angelina, and Angelina, shut the fuck up, cuz who are you?
Sleeping with the Enemy [2.07]
All in the Family [2.08]
Dirty Pad [2.09]
- Pauly D: We noticed beached whales at the beach...oh no, I'm sorry, it was Angelina and her friend Gina.
- Mike "The Situation": If you don't go to the gym, you don't look good, if you don't tan, you're pale, and if you don't do laundry, you ain't got no clothes!
- Pauly D: Rocio seems mad cool, she's definitely not a ho, she's definitely not a stalker...she's cool.
- Snooki: Angelina got it in with Vinny 'cause she's a loosey-goose, and then she had sex with Jose the next day...WHORE...just sayin'.
- Mike "The Situation": Everybody loves a guy who gets girls...and then everybody doesn't like a girl that is a ho...and it's Angelina.
Gone, Baby, Gone [2.10]
- Vinny: My v-neck is so fresh that I skip t-shirt time, like it defied the rules of t-shirt time.
- Mike "The Situation": To call me fake, it's just blasphemy to talk against the leader like that, in other countries you get hung for that type of shit.
- Ronnie: Standing in one corner, 4 foot 9, 2 inches with the poof, 'Snooki' Polizzi... standing in the other corner at 322 lbs, the Staten Island Dump!
- Snooki: What I would love to find is a guido, juicehead with my style who's not a cheater 'cause I'm not gonna go on Match.com again.
- Pauly D: This guy definitely wrote down a fake number 'cause who the hell would want Angelina to call them after that?
Girls Like That [2.11]
Deja Vu All Over Again [2.12]
Back Into the Fold [2.13]
- Vinny: When there's a good girl out there, say no to whores.
Back to the Shore [3.01]
- Deena: [On Sammi] Bitch, I will smack that fucking grin right off your face, seriously! She's laughing at me.
- Mike "The Situation": She's not laughing at you.
- [Sammi laughs in background]this episode was amazing lol
- Deena: She is.
- Mike "The Situation": No, she's not.
- Sammi: I definitely am!
- Snooki: Even though we're tiny bitches, I don't give a sh-t...I will fuckin' attack you like a squirrel monkey.
- Snooki: I have Vinny in the house now, maybe I don't need the vibrator. We'll see...
- Ronnie: Snooki walks in the door with this Gremlin look-alike and she says she's the new roommate.
- J-Woww: [on Ronnie and Sammi] I hope they get a fuckin' incurable disease living up there.
It's Gonna Be An Interesting Summer [3.02]
- Snooki: Honestly, like who hides in a bush? Only me. I will pee in a bush, I will poop in a bush, and I will hide in a bush. I do fucked up shit, I don't even know what's wrong with me.
- Vinny: Oh my god, this girl at the club is beyond the word stalker. She is a parasite and I am the host.
- Snooki: This is the first night that we're going out to a club. Fuckin' Ron and Sam aren't coming out, SHOCKER...shocker. So what are they gonna do? They're gonna look at each other's eyes and say "I love you, baby," all night? We're in fuckin' Seaside, bitch! Let's go to fuckin' Karma.
- Vinny: I got juice all over me!
- Pauly D: That's what she said.
- Vinny: I personally like fake boobs.
- Pauly D: You like 'em like you like your girl's eyes, cockeyed.
Where's the Beach? [3.03]
- Snooki: Old people, they lose their sex life and that's not a fun time. That's why people always get divorced.
- Snooki: [at work] If I wanna have a beer, I'm allowed to have a beer. This isn't like Law School, this is a T-Shirt Shop.
- Mike "The Situation": Deena calls herself The Holiday and I like to call her the Holiday Inn, so 6 minutes and 53 seconds into Karma, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight.
- Ronnie: I need a mind condom because I'm being mind fucked.
- Mike "The Situation": It's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, then somebody takes away the chicken and then you're left with salt and pepper.
Free Snooki [3.04]
- Snooki: Every time I get really excited like if we go to a club, I have to poop. If we go to a party, I have to poop, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop.
- Snooki: Even though I just met him, Nick seems like the perfect juicehead gorilla for me. And I kinda wanna have sex with him already!
- Snooki: These are the things I think I’m addicted to: bronzer, boys, and alcohol.
- Snooki: Yeah, any pinot's ok...pregnant people do it.
- Snooki: It's kinda like a disease to Snook-for-Love, it's worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you.
Drunk Punk Love [3.05]
Should We Just Break Up? [3.06]
- Snooki: Every time I meet a nice guy, he dies. It's the same with every pet, friend or relative I've ever had. EVERYONE DIES! Next it's gonna be me. Its all just a big conspiracy!
"Going to Italia" [4.01]
- Pauly D: TAXI SONO QUI, SONO QUI, SONO QUI! (trying to say "cabs are here" in italian).
- Jenni "J-Woww" Farley
- Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino
- Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
- Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio
- Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
- Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola
- Vinny Guadagnino
- Angelina Pivarnick
- Deena Nicole Cortese