Jonas (TV series)

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Jonas L.A. (previously titled JONAS) was a Disney Channel Original Series created by Michael Curtis and Roger S. H. Schulman, starring the Jonas Brothers.

Season 1[edit]

Wrong Song[edit]

Joe: Do you see what I see?
Kevin: A cloud in the shape of a rabbit. Cute.
Joe: No. Lower.
Kevin: A rabbit in the shape of a cloud. Even cuter.
Joe: Higher
Kevin: Nick with a goofy smile on his face. (Hesitates) Wait... Nick with a goofy smile on his face?

(Nick walking over to his locker while slightly dancing)

Joe: So what's her name?
Nick: Who's name?
Kevin: The girl you're crushin' on.
Nick: What are you guys 11? I think it's Jenny... or Penny (looks at the ceiling).
Joe: Nick, you always fall, too hard, too fast. It’s like you meet a girl, and boom, instant love. And boom you get dumped. And boom broken heart. And me and Kevin are there picking up the pieces.
Kevin: Aw, it’s Nick’s broken heart.
Kevin and Joe: (Pretend cries.)
Nick: That happened like, one time.
Kevin and Joe: (In unison.) Six times.
Nick: Okay, whatever, but I'm taking things nice and slow (closes locker and walks away).
Kevin: There were like 100 pictures of her in his locker, weren't there? Well that's what we thought.

Joe: Look at them so cozy in there.
Kevin: It would just be so rude of us to butt in… Oh we definitely gotta do that.

Dad: Your mother was the twenty third love of my life.
Kevin: No way.
Joe: Wow!
Dad: I was walking down the isle of the school bus and passed twenty-two girls before I saw your mom.

(Nick , Joe, and Kevin in disguise, so they stay low-key at Penny’s performance. Nick is dressed like a undercover detective, Joe is dressed like a Engish gentleman, an eyepiece and French mustache included! And Kevin is wearing a grey hair and a grey mustache.)

Nick: Seriously? How did you get to the oldest?
Kevin: Nick, I’m not really this old. It’s a wig, and mustache taped to my face!

Penny: Oh, sorry! I completely forget. Um, I’d like to dedicate this song to the coolest, sweetest, grooviest guy on the planet. A guys whose heart is filled with music. My soul mate, Jimmy!
Joe: (Eyepiece falls out and lands in drink.)

Groovy Movies[edit]

Dad: Oh, hey. The first Christmas in the firehouse.
Joe: Do you remember when grandma burnt those cookies and we had to call the fire department?
Nick: Yeah, and then our phone rang.
(Laughs)
Dad: Man, time goes by so fast.
Joe: (wipes eyes with tissue.)
Nick: Are you crying?
Joe: What? No. A bug flew into my eye.(Looks over at Kevin.) Are you crying?
Kevin: Yes.

Joe: What do you got there?
Kevin: It’s a little extra present for mom. (Pulls box of cake mix out of bag.) It’s a do-it-yourself birthday cake.
Joe: Very classy. (Take box from Kevin.) How about, we make the cake… for her?

Pizza Girl[edit]

Joe: That’s for me! I ordered pizza!
Nick: That’s for me. I ordered pizza.
Kevin: That’s for me, I ordered pizza!

Stella: Okay. If I have to keep making your pants bigger, the world is going to have a denim shortage.

Nick: Have you guys tried sweat pants? There's a lot more... wiggle room.

Joe: I miss her.
Kevin: Enough to sing about?
Nick: Oh yeah.

Kevin: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Keeping It Real[edit]

Joe: I'll wear a disguise. (Picks up near by bow-tie and puts it on.) It’s okay. It’s still me, Joe!
Stella: Joe, you’re a genius!
Joe: I know.
Stella: I bet I could disguise you guys enough to sneak you through the fans.
Kevin: Excellent! I’ll go as Joe, Joe will go as Nick, and Nick will go as me!
Stella: You know that idea is so good, we should save it for the next time we’re stuck somewhere.
Kevin: That's what you said last time.

Joe: (Walks in the room with sunglasses on.) Hey Nick, do these sunglasses make my head look fat?
Nick: No. Your fat head makes your head look fat.

Bands Best Friend[edit]

Dad: Last time I saw you, you were wearing your alien ninja costume. I didn’t think you ever took it off!
Carl: Got it on under the shirt, sir.
Dad: Wear it proudly. You know Joe still wears his dinosaur underwear.
Joe: That was one time... including today.

Macy: I call it a, Joe-tato chip. (Laughs) It was worth every penny.
Stella: Wait. That fifty dollars you borrowed from me was spent on a Joe-tato chip?
Macy: Awesome, right?
Stella: Awesome wrong. I wouldn’t have lent you the money if I knew that’s what you were gonna spend it on.
Macy: Wow. I never realized our friendship came with so many conditions attached.

Stella: Any girl who is the proud owner of a rhinestone incrusted pencil case, should not be criticizing anybody.

Kevin: You read my e-mails?
Carl: Only the ones you’ve opened.
Nick: I told you “Kevin’s password” wasn’t a good password.

Nick: You have something on your head.
Joe: (Reaches for head and take notepaper off his head.) “Guys, I decided to go home early.”
Nick: (Sounding excited.) Carl went home?
Joe: “Sorry this didn’t work out. I know I can be really annoying sometimes.”
Kevin: You can be really annoying, Joe.
Joe: I’m still reading the note.
Kevin: Oh, sorry.
Joe: “The only cool thing about me is that I know you guys.
Kevin: Joe, don’t say that. You have really cool hair.
Joe: Still reading.

Chasing the Dream[edit]

Kevin: I said dogs could hear it. I didn’t say dogs would like it.
Nick: Whose dog was that anyway?
Joe: I don’t know, but he just left a review of Kevin’s guitar playing in the corner.

Nick: She got a frog in her throat.
Kevin: There’s a bug going around.
Nick: No. She was swimming in a swamp and got an actual frog in her throat.

Nick: Didn’t you tell him we don’t have time for songs? Put the guitar down and turn the lights back on.

Nick: Then there’s no symptoms of vertigo of nausea?
Kevin: No, no. I just got really dizzy then I puked.

Fashion Victim[edit]

Kevin: Dude, I think your biggest math problem is, Joe plus trash can equals bonkers. And YES! I said it.

Nick: Ruining all our the clothes, messing up Stella’s date, I think somebody needs to be taught a lesson.
Kevin: If all that fancy talkin’ means having fun with Joe, then I am so in!

Kevin: Joe! She didn’t even notice your outfit!
The Queen of England: Oh, we noticed.
Joe: It was just a joke.
The Queen: We are not amused.
Kevin: Hey Joe, if they throw you in the dungeon, can I have your new guitar?

That Ding You Do[edit]

Joe: Hey, guys, check it out. There's a new How well do you know JONAS quiz? in the new "Teenster"magazine. Let's see how well I know Joe. Yes, no, yes, no, Armadillo. Ah! Five out of five. I'm a real Joe-nut.
Nick: Hey, your favorite snack is not cherry pudding.
Kevin: Yeah, it's chocolate tacos. (romantic music plays) mmm. And your favorite color is not medium spring green.
Nick: It's electric indigo.
Kevin: We need to straighten Teenster magazine out.
Nick: We should do that.
Kevin: We need to write a letter. Uh, anybody have a pen? (He, Nick and Joe check their pockets.)
Nick: No.
Joe: Hold on. (Walks over to window and opens it. The sound of scream fans flood the place.) Excuse me girls, does anybody have a pen? INCOMING!

(Joe, Nick and Kevin dart behind the bed to avoid the flying pens.)

Joe: Clear.

(The pens landed in the wall in the shape of a heart.)

Joe: Wow! Our fans are the best.
Nick: And they’re freakishly accurate.

(Kevin walks over to the pens in the shaped of a heart and he takes out from the wall)

Kevin: Dear, Teenster Magazine.

Macy: As president of the JONAS fan club, I'm trying to decide to which new JONAS picture to post on the JONAS fan club website? Help me pick?
Stella: Yes!
Macy: Okay, pouty and intense JONAS or goofy and adorable JONAS?
Stella: Ms. Sherman just barfed all over her desk and went home sick. No algebra test today!
Macy: You weren't even listening to me.
Stella: Um, I don't have to listen to you because you say the same thing every day. JONAS, JONAS, JONAS. You can't go two seconds without talking about them.
Macy: Well we all have our obsessions... except for JONAS. They are so mentally fit.
Stella: I don't have any obsessions.
Macy: What are you talking about? Look at you. You're addicted to texting. Your thumbs are turning into tiny sumo wrestlers.
Stella: Really?
Macy: Mm-hmm
Stella: I'm not addicted to texting. In fact, I bet I could go longer without texting than you could go talking about JONAS
Macy: Bet?
Stella: And the winner?
Macy: Wins.
Stella: You're on. Starting in five seconds.
Macy: JONAS, JONAS, JONAS, JONAS, JONAS, JONAS!

Joe: Oh! Look at her. Have you ever seen anyone so beautiful? Look at how she plays. Such passion!
Joe: Punch me in the arm so I know I’m not dreaming.
Nick: (Punches Joe in the arm very hard.)
Joe: (Grunts) Not dreaming cause that really hurt.
Kevin: Unless you're dreaming that it really hurt. So that it would make it a "dream-hurt".
Nick: (Punches Kevin in the arm very hard.) Did that dream-hurt or regular-hurt?
Kevin: (Mumbles) Not a dream-hurt.

(Nick and Kevin walk away from Joe)

Joe: Hi.
Angelina: Hi.
Joe: Can I carry that for you?
Angelina: Sure.
Joe: (grunting) Have you ever considered a forklift? So, what's your name?
Angelina: Angelina.
Joe: Angelina, like angel with an "ina" on the end.
Angelina: Yeah. My mom calls me Annie-bug. My little sister calls me Annie bu-banny. But most people call me Angie. What's your name?
Joe: Really?
Angelina: Well, you know mine.
Joe: Joseph. Joe for short. My brothers call me danger. My mom calls me Joe-bear. But let's keep that between us because I don't want that leaking to the media.
Angelina: The media? Oh! I know who you are. You're one of those brothers in that band that goes here.

(Kevin spies on Joe and Angelina while holding the book upside down but Nick stops Kevin from spying on Joe and Angelia then Nick is also spying on Joe and Angelina with his notebook)

Joe: Yup, JONAS me, Kevin and Nick. The guys staring right at us. (Joe points to Kevin and Nick then Angelina sees Joe's brothers so Kevin hides behind his locker and Nick waves at Angelina and she waves back) So do you want to grab something to eat sometime?
Angelina: No thanks. I don't go out with rockstars.
Joe: Why? Don't you eat?
Angelina: Look, you're famous. You have a posse. You probably played to thousands of screaming fans.
Joe: Tens of thousands. Isn't that cool?
Angelina: Not really. I just don't go out with rock star types.
Joe: But I'm a nice rock star type.
Angelina: I have orchestra. (Bell rings and she leaves to her class)
Joe: (Sad) Okay. Bye.

(Kevin and Nick walk to Joe)

Kevin: So you're going out with cello girl.
Joe: No, she says because I'm a rock star, I must be some kind of jerk.
Nick: What? In my experience, girls like guys because they're rock stars.
Kevin: Sometimes, I wonder if that's the only reason girls like me. Well, that and my boyish charm. (Kevin's teeth dings and Nick shakes his head)
Joe: Guys, this is serious. I think I like her.
Kevin: Like really like her like her.?
Joe: Like really like her like her.
Kevin: Really?
Joe: Like yeah!
'Kevin: Whoa.
Nick: Then we'll help you show the sweet, down to earth panda-loving guy you really are
Joe: I do love pandas
Kevin: I love koalas. (sighs) They're so emo, and they eat all that eucalyptus so their breath is so minty fresh!
Joe Unlike yours.
Kevin What? (Nick unwraps a peppermint candy for Kevin's smelly breath and Nick toss it in Kevin's mouth)
Nick: Trust me.

(Nick and Joe walk away from Kevin)

Kevin: I don't smell anything.

Macy: I saw this excellent new Jo-
Stella: I'm sorry. JONAS What?

(Elevator dings then Macy and Stella enter the elevator)

Macy: Jo-ging suit. You know for when I go jo-ging. I love those t-shirts saw Ni-
Stella: Ni-who?
Macy: Ni-body. Mm-hmm.
Stella: It's just a matter of time before you say something about JONAYS
Macy: It's pronounced JO- Oh, nice try. How is this easy for you? I bet you're closet-texting.
Stella: No1 I just happen to have willpower and just to ease your suspicious mind, why don't you hold onto this.
Macy: You're gonna break.
Stella: Nuh-uh! Without my little phone screen to stare at.
Macy: Hmm
Stella: I am seeing much more of the world and it is beautiful. Macy, you have brown eyes and a little something in your teeth. Right there.

(Macy is removing something from her teeth)


(Joe is at his locker. Kevin and Nick who are at the staircase waiting Angelina to come)

Nick: (Closes the book) Okay, if we see Angelina, we give Joe the signal.
Kevin: What if the signal is we stand completely still?
Nick: What kind of signal is that?
Kevin: The best kind because it's so subtle. No one will even know that it's happening.
Nick: Is that the signal? Is she coming? (He turns around if he sees Angelina then he looks at Kevin)
Kevin: No, I am just demonstrating.
Nick: How am I supposed to know the difference between the signal and when you're just standing still.
Kevin: True. Hmm. Okay, when I do this... is when I give the signal which is this.

(Angelina is walking by and she didn't notice Joe's brothers. Then, Nick shakes his head at Kevin.


(Angelina is at her locker then she opens it and finds the Teenster magazine)

Angelina: How did this magazine get in my locker?

(Joe walks by and he walks up to her.)

Joe: I have no idea. (A montage of Joe is shown trying to put the magazine in the locker by shoving it, then by using the baseball bat, then by using a hammer and a garden shovel while wearing goggles and then with a toothpick and it successfully enters the locker so he leaves happily.) But take a look on the cover says "Joe of JONAS. A regular guy there's a picture of me bowling in rental shoes, size 9 regular.
Angelina: Regular people don't have have their faces on the cover of magazines.

(He drops the magazine then Stella and Macy walk by)

Joe: Stella! This is my friend, Stella. We've been best friends since I was three. Stella, can you tell her what a regular I am?
Stella: Macy, why don't you tell her?
Macy: I--I-- I don't know who you are, mister. I don't know that you're a giant rock star and wear size 9 regular bowling shoes. Leave me alone!
Stella: Classic Macy, I can't to tell-- no phone. (whispers) No life.
Joe: This isn't going well for me, is it?
Angelina: Look, Joe, last year I went out with a guy who was also a star. He was a champion mathlete and all I would do was replace the batteries in his calculators and sharpen his pencils.
Joe: I would never be like that. I hate calculators and I don't have a pencil.

(The sound of screaming fans flood the place so Joe and Angelina duck for cover to avoid the flying pencils.)

Angelina: I just don't think it wouldn't work out between us. (She closes her and leaves)
Joe: But I like like you.

Joe: Look, Amy from Boise writes, "Joe, even though we've never met, I know you're a very kind and generous person". And look she would know because she signs it xoxo-xoxo, heart, heart, smiley face.
Nick: Joe, I know you like Angelina, but she's just one girl, okay? Unless she has an identical twin, in which case she is mistaken and I apologize
Kevin: And dude, it is time to move on!
Joe: I don't want to move on. I've never met a girl like her. She's passionate, talented and beautiful.
Tom: So who's passionate, talented and beautiful besides your mother? (chuckles) (whispers) She could hear everything through those holes
Joe: This girl at school, she thinks because I'm a rock star, I must be some kind of jerk.
Tom: Your mom and I worked very hard, so you wouldn't turn into some kind of rock star jerk. All right? If I do say so myself, I think we've done pretty well with all you boys.
Joe: It's just she won't come within a mile of me.
'Tom: No, she won't come within a mile of the person who thinks you are, not who you are, because who you are, not the person she thinks who you are, is who thinks you really
Joe: What?
Tom: You're not a jerk, all right? Just be yourself and she'll realize she's wrong, okay? Even if you do just the littlest thing, a woman will appreciate it. (loudly) Because women are perspective, sensitive and intelligent.
Nick: Dad, mom's at the park with Frankie.
Tom: Oh, yeah, that's right. (loudly) Nevermind.

Mr. Phelps: Fortissimo.

(Joe enters the classroom)

Joe: Excuse me. Hi, I'd like to join the orchestra.
Mr. Phelps: I'm sorry, I don't allow late adds to the orchestra. You'll get no v.i.p treatment here, young man. Unless.
Joe: Unless?
Mr. Phelps: Well, there is one particular percussion instrument for which I've trying to find a sucker (chuckles) candidate.
Joe: Lay it on me. They don't call me danger for nothing.

(Blue Danube plays and Joe goes to Angelina)

Angelina: (whispers) What are you doing here?
Joe: I just came over to say hi. Hi
Angelina: Did you join the orchestra, just so you could flirt with me.
Joe: Of course not.
Angelina: It's one thing to ask me out in the hallway and not take no for an answer but I'm serious about my music and you're interrupting the whole orchestra. I don't want to go out with you!
Joe: Man, I wish that song was three seconds longer.

(Nick and Kevin enter the classroom and Kevin signals Joe to go to them)

Nick: What's the emergency?
Joe: This is not working. I joined orchestra and Angelina hates me even more for it.
Kevin: I guess we're gonna have to talk you up in front of her, (loudly) tell her how awesome of a guy you are! I didn't do that right, did I?
Nick: No.
Mr. Phelps: Excuse me, the only annoying noise, I allow in here is by the orchestra.
Nick: Cool, in that case sign us up. (Joe and Kevin look at him) Trust me.
Mr. Phelps: Really? All three professional musicians want to to join my orchestra on the same day. Is this a joke or? Oh, I get it. I get it. I'm being punk'd right? Oh, I'll play along. What do you guys want to play?
Nick: Anything by Mozart would be nice.
Kevin: Oh, if we could stay away from "Peter and the Wolf. Wolves scare me and I'm not so sure about that Peter either.
Mr. Phelps: I meant which instruments?
Kevin: Oh, that.
Nick: Oh, yeah, okay.

(Kevin is playing a trombone but the slide knocked Mr. Phelps to the wall and Kevin chuckled nervously. Kevin tried to play the drum but the drumstick went through the drum then he, Joe and Nick looked at the drum. Mr. Phelps facepalmed. Then Nick gives Kevin a guitar to try)

Nick: Here try this one. Remember, it's a side with the strings on it.
Kevin:(chuckles) Yeah.

(Nick, Joe, Mr. Phelps and the orchestra are amazed at Kevin because he successfully played the guitar)

Mr. Phelps: Yeah, hey, um... you're in.
Kevin: Whew!
Mr. Phelps: Everybody make room for Kevin. Come on everybody, slide down. Move.
Kevin: Well, cello there. See what I did? I put "hello" and "cello" together. Joe's a really great guy.
Mr. Phelps: How about you? What can you play?
Nick: What have you got?
Mr. Phelps: Piano.
Nick: This one goes out to Angelina in the strings section. My bro, he’s the kindest guy that I know, he likes to take things slow, he’s just a regular Joe.
Mr. Phelps: Welcome to the orchestra.
Nick: Huh. Thank you. I'll be here all period.
Mr. Phelps: All right. All right. Settle down, people. Settle down. As you know the school recital is coming up and our version of "The Blue Danube" sounds like cats in wet cement. Yes, I'm looking at you, violins. So if we could please just get through it once with no one hurting themselves. And... four years of dentistry school down the tubes.

(An upset Joe is shown with thirty empty milk cartons in front of him then Nick and Kevin walk up to him)

Nick: 30's your limit, bro. I'm cutting you off.
Joe: Don't count, man! That's not cool.

(Stella enters)

Stella: Hey, guys. What's up?
Kevin: Did you bring the stuff?
Stella: What stuff? Send.
Kevin: Joe is in crisis mode. I texted you over an hour ago. I needed you to bring the rainbow sprinkled donuts and the coffee flavored ice cream.
'Stella: Texting texting-- That's all anybody ever talks or texts about! Don't you realize there are other ways of communicating with me? Try writing me a note for a change! Huh? Huh?

(Nick is writing a note for Stella then he gives her the note to read)

Stella: "Stop yelling at us." (laughing and gives the notepad back to Nick) I'm fine. Everything's fine. Sorry about the yelling. Ice cream and donuts, coming right up.
Nick: Stella, you do realize you do not have a cell phone in your hands, right?
Stella: I may not have a cell phone, but at least I have my sanity. Send. (she leaves and Nick sits on the stool across from Joe)
Joe: I only joined the orchestra so I could impress Angelina, but we just made things worse.
Kevin: We?
Nick: Joe, music is the one thing that you and Angelina both love. Show her how passionate you are and she'll come around.
Joe: How can I show her my passion for music with this? (picks up the triangle and plays it)
Nick: All right. Let's not be so quick to judge the triangle. In many ways you and the triangle are a lot alike.
Kevin: Three-sided? Made of metal? Really annoying?
Nick: No, disrespected. Put down!

(Joe and Nick stand up and they put their arms together and they look at Kevin)

Joe: Misunderstood!
Nick: Right.
Kevin: Yeah, totally! And he's made of metal?

Mr. Phelps: Tonight's the big recital and I'm only in a semi-sweat. With any luck, we'll be able to fill a whole row in the auditorium.

(Kevin, Joe and Nick ran into the classroom with the lyric sheets and Kevin unfolds his small stack of lyric sheets)

Nick: Mr. Phelps, we've made a couple of adjustments to "The Blue Danube"
Mr. Phelps: Whoa! A few adjustments to "The Blue Danube" on the night of the concert.
Nick: We were wondering if the orchestra could give it a try.
Mr. Phelps: Oh, what the heck, they can't fire me. The principal's my mommy. Go ahead. Hand them out. Let's try it. It can't be worse than what we've got. Instruments, up here. Here we go. And...

Joe: I rock the triangle so hard. You're welcome.
Nick: Cello girl, 4:00
Angelina: Hi, Joe.
Joe: Hi
Angelina: Your solo was amazing. Sorry I was kind of a snob there.
Joe: Do snobs eat chocolate tacos? We're gonna go grab some.
Angelina: Chocolate tacos? They're my favorite!
Joe: Mine too.

(A thought bubble of chocolate tacos appear above Joe and Angelina)

Kevin: They're not your favorite. They're my favorite.

(Joe punched Kevin in the stomach)

Kevin: Remember what Teenster magazine said?

(Nick also punched Kevin)

Kevin: Never mind. It hurts too much to care.

(Nick puts his arm around Kevin and they walked off followed by Joe and Angelina to grab food)


(Macy walks down the stairs)

Nick: What's up, Macy?
Macy: It's--it's--the boys who shall not be named. J-J--J-J--J--
Nick: J--J
Joe: What? What? What?

(Stella runs like the wind to take her cell phone from Macy's bag and Macy realize that she is not holding her bag)

Stella: I can't take it anymore! Yes! Yes! Good. Texting Good! O.M.G.! Oh, I'm here, baby. Mama's here. I'll never leave you again.

(Macy is surprised that Stella is texting and Macy walks up to Stella)

Macy: You're texting! You're texting!
Stella: Yeah, I cracked, okay? You win! Just leave us alone. (she leaves)
Macy: I can talk. I can talk. JONAS. JONAS. JONAS. Joe of JONAS, can you sign my program from last night's performance?
Joe: Sure, why not? Does anybody have a pen? (he checks his pockets)

(girls shrieking)

Joe: Oops.
Kevin, Joe and Nick: Run!

Complete Repeat[edit]


(crowd cheering for Kevin, Joe and Nick at an arena but they aren't playing a song)

Kevin: Psst. What's wrong, bro?)
Joe: Nick, play the new song you wrote. (tells Nick play the new song)
Nick: I couldn't come up with a new song!
Kevin and Joe: What?

(the crowd gasps and a man coughs) (crowd jeering then the crowd leaves)


Nick: No! (He has a bad dream so he screams which makes Joe and Kevin wake up from their sleep and Joe is protecting himself with a guitar)
Kevin: The monkeys! Aw! (Grunting) Hyah! (pulls up his eye mask just a little bit)
Nick: Guys, it's all me. Bad dream. (Kevin and Joe sigh)
Kevin: About the new song?
Nick: Yeah.
Joe: Were we wearing underwear and birthday hats?
Kevin: You were wearing that too?
Nick: Not this time. Everyone back to bed. (he tells Kevin and Joe to go back to sleep then he goes back to his bed)
Kevin: Okay. (he walks to his bed) Oh, guys, can someone turn on the relaxation CD?
Joe: Sure. (he stands on his bed and he turns on a nature CD)
Kevin: How am I supposed to fall asleep to that.
Joe: It's the wrong one.

(Kevin and Joe go back to sleep and he claps to turn off the lights)


(Nick tries to write a new song but he can't so he crumbled the paper down the pole where the other crumbled papers are shown) (Downstairs, Joe is playing with his remote controlled car and he picks it up)

Joe: Nick's never had writer's block before. It's been three weeks and he hasn't written anything.
Kevin: I know what we can do. We can introduce him to a girl, make him fall in love with that girl, make the girl break up with him. Broken heart, brand new song! Unless that would be totally wrong.
Joe: Yeah, that would be pretty wrong. (Kevin and Frankie are setting up the table)
Frankie:(holds the guitar) Nick out. Frankie in.
Joe: Frankie, that's plan B. (Frankie walks away the guitar)
Kevin: Maybe C.

(Tom walks downstairs and asks if Nick has a song)

Tom: Has he got a song yet?
Kevin: Well is dry, dad.
Tom: Well, if he doesn't come up with a song by the end of the day tomorrow, we can't get the album done on time.
Joe: (talking about Nick and his writer's block) What if he can't write anymore? What if he can't write another song for as long as he lives?
Nick: What if he can hear you?
Joe: Then that would be pretty embarrassing for all of us!
Nick: Don't worry, okay? I've got my song-writing shoes on.(He shines his shoes) I wore these babies when I wrote our first number-one hit and our second number-one hit.

(Nick slides down the pole and unknowningly steps into a bucket of spackle that dries quicker)

Tom: Ooh, I am so sorry about that. I forgot I left that there.
Nick: What is this stuff?
Tom: Oh, it's quick-dry spackle. Now with "quicker quick dry". Mmm.

(Nick tries to walk to the table with the bucket of spackle with his leg is still encased to it)

Tom: Yeah
Kevin: Um... I think we can help you, Nick. Just grab him. (Grunts) One, two, three! All the fun stuff happens to you.

(Joe holds Nick while Kevin tries to free Nick from the bucket of spackle but the bucket came off instead of spackle)

Joe: So, Nick, you think you can write that song, today. Maybe? You could write about really anything. Doesn't have to be about relationships.
Nick: Look!
Joe: It could be about animals or trees or plants. (he walks to the table and Kevin walks to Nick)
Nick: Joe, I appreciate the concern, but would be really nice not to mention the new song at all.
Kevin: You got it! (He pours Crunchy Cats into Nick's bowl and Nick is annoyed at Kevin) How about a little bit of new song. I mean, new song. Oh, um, you want more new song? How about some Crunchy Cats cereal with a brand-new-good-morning taste of some new song? (He walks away with his hand over his mouth)
Nick: Can you pass the milk?

(Joe puts the milk on his remote controlled truck and he drives it fast to Nick and it spilled milk on Nick's pants)

Joe: Oh, sorry about that. Let me give you a towel.

(He bends down and picks another remote controlled vehicle to give the towel to Nick) (Nick stops the toy with his hand and takes the towel)


(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at school and other students are laughing at Nick)

Joe: Where you headed?
Nick: Art class to get a chisel. The whole school is laughing at me. (He leaves with his guitar)
Kevin: It's okay. It's not the whole school.

(Nick is sitting in the art classroom alone but he is still trying to write a song then Stella enters)

'Stella: Hey.
Nick: The song will be done when it's done. I'm sorry. It's just that everybody's been on my case all day.
Stella: Yeah, I know. I heard about your block.
Nick: Yeah, I got it off with a chisel. (he picks it up)
Stella: I meant your writer's block.
Nick: What if I really can't write again? What if it's over for me? Well, I'm 16, I had a good run.
Stella: It's not over. I mean, all artists have blocks. Besides, I brought something might help. Ooh! Taa-daa!(She takes out a jacket from her bag)
Nick: Wow.
Stella: You like it? Embroidered all by hand. Don't even ask me how long it took.
Nick: Okay.
Stella: 11 hours! No bathroom breaks. And do you know why? Because I believe in you.
Nick: Thank you. That means a lot.
Stella: Well, come on, aren't you gonna try it on?
Nick: Yeah. (he tries on his jacket)
Stella: I mean, I don't know, I thought it might inspire you. (she gasps) I am amazing.
Nick: It's awesome. (Stella giggles)
Stella: Well, that's why I make the big bucks. (she picks up her bag) Mention that to your dad, because he pays me and I don't actually make the big bucks. (then she leaves)

(The embroidered guitar on Nick's jacket starts to unravel and it continues to unravel as as he goes around the room and he notices it)

Nick: Oh no! I'm coming apart the seams.(he runs out of the classroom to find Stella in the hallway and he sees her walking up the stairs but she doesn't hear him yelling for her)
Nick: Stella! (the elevator dings so Nick enters it and his guitar's neck breaks as the elevator closes and the other half of the lands on the other side of the elevator then he and Amy are shocked)
Amy: Ouch.
Nick: I can't believe I broke Lucille Jr's. neck.
Amy: Um, you know Nick, I'm always telling my friend Jules how cute I think you are, which I do. And she's always just like, "Amy ask him out". So I am. How about we get something to eat or something after school?
Nick: I would love to. Um, but I'm kind of busy today.
Amy: Oh, that's what I figured. You probably have girls asking you out every five minutes.
Nick: If I didn't have to write a song--
Amy: You don't have to make up some lame excuse, I can handle just a plain no. (she leaves the elevator)
Nick: But it-- (he walks out of the elevator but he turns around to take his jacket and one of sleeve is torn by it but he gasps as Stella realized that the jacket is ripped)
Stella: Oh no, you didn't.
Nick: Stella, I am so sorry. The jacket got caught on a nail and the sleeve got stuck in the elevator. I know you can fix it, though. (he gives the jacket back to her)
Stella: Sure. (she rips the sleeves of Nick's shirt which he notices and she takes the jacket from him then she storms off angrily)
Nick: So we're good?

(Nick is at the atrium and he is still having a hard time to write songs on his guitar then Kevin enters the atrium)

Kevin: It's so nice in here. Oh, the sunshine and the birds singing. Not that I'm thinking of songs or-- or anything.

(Joe also enters the atrium)

Joe: Nick, please tell me you got something. Please please please. (he and Kevin walk closer to Nick but he doesn't want to be bothered)
Nick: Guys, I'm trying to write here. (A bird pooped on the guitar)
Joe: That's supposed to be very lucky.

(A bird then dropped poop on Nick)

Nick: How am I supposed to wash this off?

(A sound of thunder is heard at the atrium then rain is pouring on Nick so Joe and Kevin ran back inside and Joe and Kevin are worried about Nick, who then protects himself from the rain via his guitar)


(Nick is at the bedroom trying to write songs on the keyboard then Kevin and Joe enter by eyeballing him)

Nick: It's hard enough to write after having the worst day of my life. And you eyeballing me doesn't help. (Nick looks at Joe then he continues to write songs)
Kevin: What does make the worst day of a life? Let's reflect.
Nick: Get out. (he angrily tells his brothers to leave the bedroom)
Joe: Fine. You don't have to be so mean.

(Kevin and Joe walk away from Nick to go their fire poles to watch Nick write songs by hanging on their fire poles but Nick can't concentrate because his brothers are still watching him so Nick wants them to leave the bedroom)

Nick: Guys.
Kevin: I'm--I'm going.
Joe: We're gone.

(Frustrated, Nick walks away from his area to turn on the tv to watch but a moment later he falls asleep on the ottoman while his foot and his fingers are tapping to the tune of Crunchy Cats then he wakes up excitedly, runs back to his area after hearing the song)

TV: Now a message from Crunchy cats! Crunchy crunchy, meow meow meow
Nick: I've got it. I've got the song. I've got a new song! I dreamt an awesome song.(Joe, Kevin and Tom run upstairs after they heard that Nick has a new song)
Joe: Great!
Tom: You're my son again. Let's hear this.
Nick: I can't remember it. I can't remember the song. (He stares at the keyboard blankly)
Tom: (laughing) Come on-- there's only 88 keys here. Nick, just hit one. Here, how about-- Was that note in it? How about this note? Does this note ring a bell? This note? Nick? This note? How about one of these black ones. These are weird.

(Kevin walks to Tom to get him to leave the keyboard and Nick alone)

Kevin: Dad, dad! Step away from the keyboard.
Tom: That's the one! (points to a black key as Kevin pulls him away) Okay, I'm sorry. Everything's good. I'm gonna be downstairs not freaking out. Just relaxing. Nick, do this thing. (Tom is heard crying downstairs and Kevin is walking down the steps and he is going to sleep on the ottoman)
Joe: Nick? Don't worry about dad. He doesn't know how to chill.
Nick: I can't believe the song's gone.
Joe: It can't be gone! (He walks to Nick and grabs his arm to pull him away from the chair) We have one day. Go back to bed.
Nick: What?
Joe: Go back to sleep. Dream it again.
Nick: I can't-- I can't just dream it again.

(Joe and Nick are walking down together to the armchairs where Kevin is sleeping peacefully)

Joe: Come on! Say goodnight and goodbye, la la la la. Kevin, help me out here! Kevin!
Kevin: Ahh! I'm up. I'm up.
Joe: What are we gonna do? We need to get this song back.
Nick: I can't just dream it again.
'Kevin: Sure you can. Okay, One time I had this dream about a lemur feeding me chocolate pudding. And of course, I wanted to dream it again.
Joe: Well, who wouldn't?
Kevin: So I repeated everything exactly the same way, it happened to me all day long. And then sure enough, I went to sleep and boom! (sighs) The lemur was surprised to see me again.
Nick: I'm not repeating this awful day. (he stands up)
Joe: Even if you'll dream the song again?
Nick: So you're saying Kevin had a good idea?
Joe: It was bound to happen eventually.
Kevin: Thanks, bro.

(He hugs Joe then Joe stops Kevin from hugging him)

Nick: Okay. I will repeat the worst day of my life for the sake of this band.
Joe: That's more like it. I'm proud of you. (he gives Nick a pat on the chest)

(Nick sits back down to go back to sleep but he wakes up annoyed when Kevin pours a cup of milk on Nick's pants)

Kevin: I just wanted to get a head start.

Kevin: Okay, here's a list of all the horrible things that happened to Nick yesterday. Now it's our job to make sure they all happen again.
Joe: Spackle bucket. (Nick slides down the pole and steps into the bucket of spackle)
'Kevin: Check. You never know, it could have been the landing into the bucket that led into the dream that led to the song, Nick.
Nick: That's what I figured. That's why today I wore your favorite shoes. (Nick shows Kevin that he is wearing Kevin's favorite shoes)
Kevin: Not my lucky loafers!
Tom: Okay, look, I appreciate you guys doing this to try to make the deadline, but don't go overboard, okay? (talking to Kevin and Joe about Nick) Stay on him. Wring him like a damp washcloth if you gotta.

(Joe drives his remote controlled car with milk carton on the back of it to Nick, who is sitting on the other side of the table)

Joe: Milk, check.
Kevin: Check.
Nick: We covered this one last night.
Joe: Yes, we did, but it didn't count because it was last night and it was Kevin and it was low-fat.(Nick picks up a spoon to hit Joe then Nick bends the spoon instead hitting Joe with it) Don't hit me because you didn't hit me yesterday.

Stella: Hey. I fixed the jacket. Look, I know it was an accident, so try it on. Any luck with song-writing?
Nick: Actually, I wrote a song in a dream I had last night.
Stella: Hey.
'Nick: Then I forgot it. So in order to have the same dream again, I have to repeat everything I did yesterday.
Stella: Kevin's idea?
Nick: Yeah.
Stella: It actually makes sense.
Nick: It was bound to happen eventually. (he starts to tear apart the seams)
Stella: Well, the only thing you did yesterday, I could remember was ruin my jacket. No! no no no No! No! (she takes back the jacket)
Nick: I'm sorry. It's for the band.

(Stella is about to leave the classroom but Joe blocks her from leaving)

Joe: Stella, it's for the band. (Stella goes to other door but Kevin is blocking her way)
Kevin: What they said.
Stella: Look, an aardvark. (she distracts Kevin)
Kevin: I'm not gonna fall for that one.(he and Stella have a staring contest with each other then he falls for her trick and she leaves the classroom while he is distracted)
Kevin: But he's probably cute.
Joe: Kevin!
Kevin: I can't believe I fell it again.
Nick: Go!

(Joe, Nick and Kevin are going after Stella but they can't find her so Kevin goes upstairs and Nick goes another direction to try find her then Kevin finds her but she runs away from the three members of JONAS) (Kevin, Joe and Nick chasing her then Joe is using sign language to find Stella but Nick can't get what Joe is mouthing about so he shows a picture of Stella with the arrow to Nick then Joe points to her location which Nick gets it) (Kevin, Joe and Nick ran to the atrium with Stella)

Joe: Check.
Kevin: Stop! (he wants Nick to be pooped by the birds) Go! (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella runs from the atrium)

(Stella exits the elevator to see if Kevin, Joe and Nick are around then she sees them)

Joe: Boo!
Stella: No! No! Nobody is gonna rip this jacket except me. (she rips the jacket instead of Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Kevin: There's one more thing. (he starts to unravel the seams)
Nick: Sorry, Stell, we have to repeat everything.
Stella: Well, in that case...(she rips Nick's shirt sleeves again and she takes one of his shirt sleeves then she storms off)
Nick: So we're good now?
Joe: Check.

Nick: This'll just take a sec. (he puts Lucille Jr's neck in between the elevator doors so it can break again) Sorry. (he wants Amy to ask him out again) I need you to ask me out again.
Amy: What?
Nick: Please ask me out.
Amy: You want me to ask you out?
Nick: Please.
Amy: Okay. Um, Nick, how and I go out tonight?
Nick: I have to say no.
Amy: What?
Nick: Let me explain. Yesterday, I dreamt a song, but then I forgot what I dreamt. So today I have to do everything that I did yesterday so I can have the same dream so I can remember the same song. I'm sure you can understand that. (he leaves the elevator with the beverage that Amy poured on him) She did not understand that.

Joe: Are you sure you broke the guitar? (he looks at the list while Kevin is eating cereal)
Nick: Yeah! (he replies to Joe while he washes off in the bathroom)
Joe: Okay, looks like we've covered everything on the list. (Joe puts the clipboard on the ottoman then he picks up the blanket) (Nick enters the bedroom he then walks to the armchair that he was sitting on yesterday and Joe puts the blanket on him)
Kevin: All that you have to do now is go back to sleep and dream that awesome song. But, you know, no pressure.
Joe: Nick, don't worry if have to cancel the tour and the album. You know, we can always find different jobs like a stuntman or a hand model. (looks at his hand)
Kevin: Ooh.
Nick: Not helping. (he goes to sleep)
Kevin: Do you want my eye mask? (he offers Nick the eye mask)
Nick: No. (talks while sleeping)
Kevin: How about a foot rub? (Kevin offers to give Nick a foot massage)
Nick: How about a face punch? (he wakes up to give Kevin a punch in the face)
Kevin: Looks like somebody need a nap. (Nick goes back to sleep)
Joe: I can smell it. It's a hit song. (he and Kevin are near Nick's face)
Kevin: It's just sizzling inside his brain.
Nick: I can't sleep with you guys staring at me. (he wakes up to find that Kevin and Joe are on both sides of him)
Joe: Sorry, Nick. Kevin, stop staring at him. (he and Kevin leave Nick alone)
TV: We'll be right back after this message from Crunchy Cats. Crunchy crunchy, meow meow meow...
Nick: Oh no! (he wakes up after hearing the tune)
TV : Crunchy crunchy, meow meow meow...

(Kevin and Joe are hanging to their poles and they climbed to the bedroom)

Joe: What's wrong?
Nick: That's the tune.
Kevin: What's the tune?
Nick: Crunchy cats. (picks up the cereal box then drops it and he runs to his area with Kevin and Joe)
Kevin: What?
Joe: What?
Nick: Ahh! The song that I wrote in my dream.
Kevin,: You mean, it's already on the television? You are amazing!
Nick: I must have heard it in my sleep and then dreamt I wrote it.
'Kevin: You've got to be kidding.
Nick: Ahh!
Joe: No way.
Nick: I can't believe the awesome song I thought I wrote turns out to be "Crunchy Cats."
Joe: We're toast.
Nick: I repeated every horrible thing that happened to me yesterday. I did it all again and I got nothing. (he decides to throw Mr. Bumbles but Kevin won't let Nick do that)
Kevin: NO! Not Mr. Bumbles. Take it out on the keyboard! It's okay (he pets the teddy bear)
Nick: No song, no album, no tour. (he bangs the keyboard feeling angry)
Joe: That's it.
Kevin: Get madder! Come on.
Joe: Yeah.
Nick: I did it all again and I got nothing I did it all again and I got nothing... I did it all again and I got nothing I did it all again and I got nothing yeah
Tom: Woo hoo! Great song! Oh, studio, album, back on! (he imitates gunshots) That was a little over the top. Sorry. Just have been a nervous wreak all week. (he laughs)
Joe: All it took was Nick getting really angry and we got an awesome song.
Nick: Now all I have to do is apologize to Stella for the jacket and Amy for making her asking me out twice. You guys with me? (He, Joe and Kevin are going to slide down the poles then Joe and Kevin got their leg stuck in a spackle bucket)
Joe: Yeah.
Kevin: Absolutely.
Tom: You wrote that down somewhere, right?

(Kevin, Joe and Nick at the school hallway)

Nick: I thought maybe you guys dream the next song. Good luck with the rest of your day, gentlemen.
Kevin: I love spackle! Ahh!

Kevin: Yeah, and it was so awesome how much chocolate pudding there was and of course, it was just a dream.
Joe: Kevin's point that everything Nick told you about having to repeat his day was totally true.
Kevin: Yeah, it wasn't some lame excuse, of trying to get out of going on a date with you.
Amy: Really?
Nick: The truth is, I'd love to go out with you.
Amy: Then ask me out.
Nick: Really? Okay, um, would you like to go out on a date with me?
'Amy: I'm gonna say no. (she exits the elevator) But, ask me again tomorrow.
Nick: Really?
Amy: We'll see. (she walks away from the elevator)
Nick: This is starting out to be a good day.

(the elevator closes with Kevin, Joe and Nick inside it)

Joe: Oh! Oh no!

Love Sick[edit]


(Nick is at the lockers reading a book then Joe walks up to him)

Joe: Hey, Nick, have you seen Kevin? I wanna trade my tuna fish sandwich for his tuna fish sandwich.
Nick: What's the difference? They're both tuna fish. (he puts a book back in his locker)
Joe: I sat on mine. (shows Nick the flattened sandwich and Joe shakes his head) I'll tell him it's grilled.
Nick: He's at a pep-squad meeting getting ready for the big game on Saturday.(he shakes his head) He's really gotten into it.
Joe : Kevin? He's a rocker. He would never get into something that corny.
Kevin:(he enters by doing a flip and the megaphone is thrown to him and he catches the megaphone then speaks via it) Attention, Horace Mantis Academy!(Joe and Nick are looking at Kevin) Come show your mantis pride by coming to the big game this Saturday!
Cheerleaders: (they enter) We got the moves all over you
Kevin: It's almost unfair
Cheerleaders: Surrender to the mantis
Kevin: You haven't got a prayer
Cheerleaders and Kevin: Go, mantis! (Joe shakes his head and Nick claps)
Nick: (turns to Joe) Wow, you were right. Talk about corny. Wonder why he's gotten so into this cheerleading thing.

(Kevin and the cheerleaders hugging while walking past Joe and Nick)

Kevin: I just wish I had longer arms.
Joe: Nick, I'm surprised at you. Where's your school spirit? Hey, girls, wait up. Surrender to the mantis, something something something! (follows the cheerleaders and he leaves Nick alone)

(Stella enters the bedroom after Kevin, Joe and Nick finished rehearsing "Lovesick")

Stella: Whoo! You guys, that sounded so awesome. Okay, wardrobe's all set.
Nick That's great. Everything is be perfect for Saturday morning.
Stella: I think it is so cool that you guys are performing on "Great Morning USA" live right here from the firehouse.
Kevin: Yeah, and Dad said there were gonna be a million people watching all at the same time. That has to be a huge TV.
Stella: Yep. Oh! What is this? You guys invited to Jacques Le Fajette's spring preview? He's like my fashion designing idol. Please tell me you're going and please tell me you're taking me with you.
Joe: Who wants to see a bunch of dudes who look like they haven't slept in months stumble down a runway? No thank you.
Stella: Guys, um, this is the spring preview for women's fashions. That means there's gonna be, like 50 of the most beautiful women in the world there.
Joe: I'm there.
Nick: Yeah, Who said I wasn't going?
Kevin: I've always been interested in women's fashion, since about three seconds ago.
Nick: When is it?
Stella: Tuesday, 6:00 p.m.
Nick: Can't go. That's the day I mix the final tracks for the record. It's the only day we could lock in the studio. Sorry.
Stella: It's okay.
Kevin: I can't go either. We have cheerleading practice on the trampolines.
Stella: Wait, can't you go anyway because--
Kevin: Trampolines.
Stella: Well, it looks like, it's just you and me. Do you wanna grab a bite or something before?
Joe: Cool.
Stella: Bye. (she leaves)
Nick: Pretty exciting, Joe. Your first date with Stella.
Kevin: Aw, we're really happy for you two crazy kids.
Joe: It's not a date. We're all going to the fashion show together, except you guys are not coming.
Kevin: Yeah, sure, not a date with Stella... alone together.
Joe: Stella only sees me as a friend, okay?
Stella: Hey, Joe. Okay. Since we're going to the fashion as a couple, we probably don't wanna clash. So don't wear anything darker than royal blue or anything lighter I guess than sky blue. In fact, just stay the heck away from blue.
Joe: Stella, I just remembered, I can't make it that night.
Stella: Why not?
Joe: I gotta trim my eyebrows. You know, these caterpillars can get out of control.

(Nick facepalmed)

Stella: Yeah, I understand. Well, um, I was looking forward to it.
Joe: You were?
Stella: Yeah. I mean, to seeing all those fashions. Wow. Um... But we're still having lunch together tomorrow, right?
Joe: Absolutely.
Stella: Great. It's a date.
Joe: (he turns to Nick and Kevin) No, it's not.

Macy: I heard you and Joe are going on your first date. Congratulations.
Stella: Joe and I are not dating. You know that. We're just really really good friends. I mean, besides, Joe is a big rock star. He can see any girl that he wants to.
Macy: Stella, for someone who's so smart, sometimes, you don’t even know what you don’t know you know.
Stella: (turns to Macy) I know I have no idea what you talking about. You know?
Macy: You are all in your head. Get out of there. When it comes to romance, you need to follow your head.
Stella: Please. The only thing that your heart has ever followed is a JONAS.
Macy: (she gasps) I protest. I admit I used to be smidge obsessed, but I have matured.
Randolph: Hi, Macy. I was wondering about-- Well, thinking about asking you-- Would you like to go to the basketball game with me Saturday? I mean, if you want.
Macy: (sighs) I would love to, Randolph. Meet me here at 6:00, okay?
Randolph: Great. Will you excuse me for a second? I've gotta go tell everyone in the world. Carl, Steve, Steve's brother...
Stella: I'm impressed. You have matured.
Macy: Thank you. Oh! Hey, look. There's a stain on the in the shape of Nick's face. That is not an obsession. That is a fact. Whoa whoa whoa! Step around the stain. Around.

Kevin: (he runs to Joe) Hey, Joe. Lunch today? I got an extra peanut butter mushroom sardine salami sandwich with your name on it.(gives the bag to Joe)

(Then, Joe sneezes on the sandwich and gives it back to Kevin)

Kevin: And now it's disgusting.
Joe: I think I'm coming down with something.
Kevin: Aw. Got a case of the love bug, Joe?
Joe: I'm not dating Stella, okay? Didn't you see how I canceled on her about the fashion show?
Kevin: Whatever. Let's just go get some lunch.
Joe: I can't. I've got lunch with Stella. Kevin, me and Stella have been best buds since we were in kindergarten, okay? We have a tight friendship. I don't wanna mess it up. I mean, would I like to go on a real date with Stella? Of course I would, but... Let's just pretend like I didn't say that.
'Kevin: Too late you just did. (Opens his locker and puts the gross sandwich away in his locker and takes out a marker from it) I think it's time Dr. Kevin teaches you a lesson. (then he closes his locker)
'Joe: Okay.
'Kevin: (he draws faces on his locker) JONAS and Stella are a happy family. But what if one of these smiley faces does felt a certain way about another one of these smiley faces, and that same smiley face didn't the same way as the other smiley face? There'd be no more happy family. Only a sad family, singing sad songs in sad clothes to sad fans. Sad sad sad, very sad indeed.
Joe: (grabs the marker and reads it) This is not washable, Kevin.
Kevin: I know. (he opens his locker) That's why I have this. (then he takes the paint and paintbrush out of his locker) I'm not dumb, you know.(Joe leaves with the non washable marker while Kevin repaints his locker)

(Macy is waiting for Randolph in the atrium then he walks there to see her)

Macy: Hi, Randolph. I got you a present. It's for you to wear on our date. Stella made it for Nick of JONAS, but I'd think you'll look really great in it.
Randolph: Wow, thanks!
Macy: And I also got you a cool... hat.
Randolph: This is a wig.
Macy: No, it's a hat. Try it on. And I think I'd like to give you a little nickname. " Randolph" just sounds so formal.
Randolph: My mom calls me "Ran."
Macy: Oh, isn't that sweet? I'm gonna call you Nick.
Randolph: Nick?
Macy: "Nick" like nickname. It;'s a joke. Our own little private joke.
Randolph: Anything for you, Macy.
Macy: See you game night, Nick. Don't take off the hat, Nick. Bye, Nick. (Randolph leaves the atrium with the present while wearing the wig)

Joe: (he walks down the stars) Stella.
Stella: (she turns around) Oh, hey.
Joe: Hey, I can't do lunch today.
Stella: Why not?
Joe: I have to put reinforcements in all my loose-leaf holes.
Stella: Yeah, right, okay. Well, how about tomorrow?
Joe: I can't.
Stella: Wednesday?
Joe: Hm-mm.
Stella: Thursday?
Joe: Sorry.
Stella: Oh, okay. You know what? No, not okay, Joe. I mean, if I didn't know that we were just friends, I'd assume that you were sending me some kind of a message.
Joe: What message?
Stella: Oh, I don't know. Usually when cancels on me twice in a row and then three more times in a row. I kind of assume I'm not that person's favorite person. (she leaves upset)
Joe: Stella, wait. (he walks after Stella) Come with me to the big game on Saturday.
Stella: What?
Joe: Come with me. I can get courtside seats. My brother's s cheerleader.
Stella: Okay, that sounds really great. Go, mantises.
Joe: Awesome, we're on. It's a da-ate-- It's we're on. (he walks away from Stella then she leaves)

(Kevin is drawing on a balloon and Nick is reading a book in the bedroom)

Kevin: I can't believe you're going to miss our school's basketball championship. Where is your school spirit?

(drumline plays)

Nick: (he stands up cheering with one arm and Kevin looks at him annoyed then Nick sits back down) That was it.
Kevin: Joe, are you almost ready? (Joe goes upstairs) Stella's gonna be here any minute. I have to be there early before the pep rally.
Joe: My cold's gotten worst. I don't wanna disappoint Stella again. (Tom enters the bedroom) She was really hurt last time.
'Tom: Hey, Joe, I heard you have a cold, and you're going out to some basketball game tonight? This doctor prescribes a little no way, Jose.

(Tom tells a joke and Nick laughs)

Tom: Oh, thank you.
Nick: Not you, the book.
Joe: Come on, dad.
Tom: You're singing "Great Morning USA" tomorrow morning. Millions of TVs are gonna be tuning in to JONAS.
Kevin: Oh, now, I get it. (Nick shakes his head)
Tom: Can't afford to push it.
Joe: I'm fine. (he sneezes)
Tom: Don't make me sic mom on you. You don't want her coming at you with grandma's thermometer.(he leaves the bedroom and Stella enters)
Stella: Hey! So what do you think? (shows Joe the outfit) Just something I threw on, in, like, six hours
Joe: Stella, I can't go. I'm sick.
Stella: No, Joe, you're wrong. You're more than sick. You're about to be dead.
Joe: I'm sorry.
Stella: Look, Joe, if you don't wanna hang out with me anymore. Totally that's fine. I'll still be your stylist. I just wish, you wouldn't feed me, with one excuse one after another, you know? Just have some respect for me. (she leaves upset)
Joe: I don't understand.
Kevin: Do you want me to draw some more smiley faces?

Joe: Stella's more mad at me than ever. Will somebody please tell me what to do? Kevin. Forget it. Nick?
Nick: Well--
Joe: Never mind. Kevin. Wait, Nick's right. I should take Stella to the game. Thanks, Nick.
Nick: All I said was "well."
Joe: But I knew what you were thinking. You and me.
Kevin: Joe, if you sing bad tomorrow, it'll look the band look bad. Plus, you can't disobey dad like that just because you hurt somebody's feelings.
Joe: It's not someone. It's Stella. (he goes to the pole)
Kevin: Why'd you give him that idea?
Nick: All I said was "well."
Kevin: Well, yeah. All I said was... So technically, you're more to blame.
Nick: All I said was "well." (he closes the book and storms off)

(Stella is downstairs preparing to leave with here purse and jacket)

Joe: (he slides down the middle pole and runs to her) Stella. Stella, wait.
Stella: What, Joe?
Joe: I'm sorry. Do you still wanna go to the game with me?
Stella: I thought you were sick.
Joe: Sick. What gave you that idea? (he sneezes) I always sneeze before the big games. It's good luck.
Stella: You're weird.
Joe: But in a cute way, right?
Stella: Barely. Come on, let's go.
Joe: Go, mantises!

(Stella and Joe are going to the basketball championship at school)


(Stella, Joe and the crowd are cheering)

Joe: Go, praying mantises! (he coughs)
Stella: Are you okay?
Joe: I'm fine. I'm fine. Kick their butt-- (he continues to cough)
Stella: Mm-hmm. He said kick their butts! (tells the crowd)

(Stella and Joe are cheering with the crowd)

Joe: Whoo! (coughs)
Stella: Thanks.

(Randolph and Macy walk up to Joe and Stella)

Macy: Hi, guys. Can me and Nick steal these seats?
Stella: Hey, Macy. That's not Nick. That's Randolph dressed as Nick.
Macy: I meant Nick like nickname Nick. Come on, Nick. Let's go get some nachos. (they leave)
Stella: Hey, I'm really glad we're doing this. (Joe coughs) It was weird there for a while. It was like you were trying to avoid me.
Joe: Avoid you? How could I avoid you? I mean, we go to school together. We work together. (he still coughs) That was awesome. Did you see that?
Stella: I know. I just-- Still you were making it pretty impossible to keep a date
Joe: This is not one of those.
Stella: One of what? (a basketball swishes then Stella and Joe are cheering) You mean a date?
Joe: We're not doing that.
Stella: What is wrong with you?
Joe: Nothing. I'm just trying to protect an important friendship.
Stella: Huh?
Joe: We're not on one of those things that people go on--those things.
Stella: You mean like a date? A date.
Joe: (speaking gibberish)
Stella: Joe, you are being ridiculous. I mean, it's like you have a problem with us dat--
Joe: Gahh.
Stella: Dating!
Joe: But, we're not.
Stella: Yeah, I know. I realize that. I'm just saying it seems you'd have a problem with it if we were, which we are not. Right. If being alone with me is so traumatic for you, don't worry about it because it's never gonna happen again. (she leaves the game)
Joe: Stella, Stella, wait. Stell- (coughs)

(Nick arrives at the basketball game and he sits next to Joe)

Nick: Hey.
Joe: What are you doing here?
Nick: Thought I'd listen to Kevin's advice, and have a little more school spirit. The only reason I don't come to these games because I never meet anyone like myself.

(Randolph returns to the bleachers with Macy then Nick looks at him)

Randolph: Nachos? (he offers Nick nachos and Macy is fixing the wig)
Nick: I'll see you at home. (he leaves)

(Nick and Kevin are going over the lyrics and Joe slides down the pole then Kevin and Nick walk up to him)

Nick: Joe, you gotta hurry up and get changed. (he tells Joe to change his clothes) The "Great Morning USA" crew's gonna be here early.
Joe: (he talk with a raspy voice) Stella hates me.
Kevin: What has happened to your voice? You can't sing with that voice.
Nick: This band is about to perform on live TV and that TV show is not called "Only Okay Good Morning USA" and it is not called "Pretty Good Morning USA." It's called "Great Morning USA," which means we have to be great to even be on it.
Kevin: Dad was right. You shoulda never gone out last night. He's gonna kill you.
Joe: He'll have to get in line behind Stella.
Tom: Children!
Kevin: Aah! It's dad. He can't find out that Joe lost his voice. He'll freak out!
Nick: Quick, in the bathroom.
Kevin: No, I'm good. I already went.
Nick: No, take Joe there and hide.
Kevin: Oh.

(Tom enters the room half dressed)

Tom: "Great Morning USA" is on their way. Is everybody ready? Joe, you ready?
Kevin: We were deciding what he's gonna wear.
Tom: Are you wearing pajamas, Joe?
Nick: Of course he's not gonna wear pajamas.
Tom: I could swear, he's still wearing pajamas. Those are your pajamas, aren't they, Joe?
Nick: You know, he just decided he's gonna wear his gray suit
Tom: Gray suit? Gray suit is good. Million people watching. All right, guys, look, "Great Morning USA is the biggest morning show in the country. All right, so we gotta be sharp. That's why I'm riding you guys so hard about your look.
Nick: Uh, dad.
Tom: Yeah. (Joe points at Tom because he doesn't have his pants on) What, do you think I forgot my pants on? Let me tell you-- Oh, I'm freaking out! (then he leaves the dining room to put on his pants
Nick: Joe, you have to keep your voice down to the last possible second. Absolutely no talking whatsoever.

(Stella enters the dining room)

Stella: Joe, we have to talk. (Nick annoyed) I mean, what is going between us. You're my best and closest guy friend. And lately you've just acting...
Joe: (raspy voice) Really weird.
Stella: Whoa, what happened to your voice?
Kevin: I'll help translate. He said, (raspy) "really weird".
Joe: Exactly.
Kevin: Exactly.
Stella: Well, you have been acting really weird. And why, because the two of us have been going out together?
Joe: We're not going out.
Kevin: He said, "We're not going out."
Stella: I know. I realize that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean, "going out" going out. I meant going out. Joe and Stella. Stella and Joe. Best friends since forever.
Kevin: (he stands up) She said, we're not going going out. We've just been best friends, like, since, like, forever. (Nick hits Kevin then Joe and Stella look at him annoyed)
Kevin: Sorry, I kind of got caught up in the whole translating thing. I'm pretty good at it, huh? (Nick puts hand on Kevin to get him to sit on the stool)
Stella: Joe, you and I have been best buds since we were little kids. I mean, we have such a tight friendship and I don't wanna risk messing that up. Would I like to on a real date with you? Of course!
Stella: Um... let's pretend I didn't just say that.
Nick: Kevin, I'm suddenly very hungry. I'm gonna go upstairs to the snack bar and get something to eat, Kevin. Would you like to join me, Kevin? (he leaves)
Kevin: You two crazy kids are will okay without me?
Stella: Just go!
Joe: Go!
Kevin: He said (raspy) "Go!"
Stella: Um, let's suppose that I possibly feel a certain way about you. Is it possible you possibly feel a certain way the same way about me? (Joe nods yes). Well, okay now let's say we possibly started dating. That would be a bad bad idea, right? I mean, maybe, it would be the best thing that would ever happen to us, but what if it wasn't. Would it be worth risking all of that if it ended badly? (Joe nods yes than no) No no no, it wouldn't. Maybe we have feelings and maybe we don't but this band and our friendship is too valuable to risk losing. We can't go down this road, huh? (Joe nods no) Thanks for talking this through with me, Joe.(Joe gives her a handshake then she gives him a kiss on the cheek) (a knock is heard so Kevin and Nick slide down the poles)
Nick: It's the "Good Morning USA" crew.
Kevin: They're early! Hide him, hide him. (he and Stella take Joe by the arm to hide him from the TV crew)

(TV crew appears and Nick opens the door)

Nick: Hi, welcome. This way. Okay, yeah, Right on up those stairs. (points upstairs)

(Kevin and Stella wave to the "Great Morning USA" crew when they are walking by)

Joe: What about my voice?
Kevin: We're doomed.
Nick: He sounds terrible.
Stella: I don't know. I think he sounds kind of hot.
Nick: Kevin.
Kevin: Already ahead of you, bro. Follow me. (Kevin, Stella and Joe go upstairs)

(the crew is filming the band)

Tom: Why is Joe singing like that? (he asks Stella) What's wrong with him?
Stella: He's a little lovesick.

(Joe is by the lockers and Stella is walking the steps and they see each other then they smile and wave bye) (Then, Joe walks away)

Macy: Hey!
Stella: Why does romance have to be so hard? (she puts her head on Macy's shoulder)
Macy: Aw! Well, excuse me. I have no idea what you're talking about? My love is a touch of rockin' with a touch of rollin'
Stella: Well, good.

(Randolph walks to Macy to give the presents back to her)

Randolph: Macy.
Macy: Oh, hi, Nick.
Randolph: I'm sorry. It's just not gonna work between us. Here's your Nick outfit, your Nick hat, and your Nick instruction manual you left for me. If you see me in class, just call me Randolph or Randy or Edgar really anything but Nick. (he walks away)
Stella: Aw, Mace. I'm sorry.(she hugs Macy)
Macy: (sighs) It's for the best. I just can't being seen with someone who isn't comfortable being himself.

The Three Musketeers[edit]

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are walking in the hallway) (tires screeching)

Kevin: (he stops walking then he puts his arms on both sides to stop Joe and Nick from walking)Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
Nick: That walking this way looks really cool but makes us late for class?
Kevin: No.
Joe: Auditions tomorrow for "The Three Musketeers"? (sees the sign up sheet and reads the title of the play)
Kevin: (walks to the sign up sheet then he turns back around) We should totally audition. We would be perfect! (Says to Joe and Nick after talking about the play) Plus, we get to wear hats with feathers!
Nick: Seriously?
Kevin: I don't joke around about a feathered hat.
Joe: Guys, but we're not actors.
Kevin: When you told Nick his hair wasn't big this morning, that was acting.
Nick: I rely on you. (he touches his hair)
Joe: But it looks great now.
Nick: Ahh, thanks.
Joe: Wow, I guess I can act. (Nick looks at Joe then Kevin is heard laughing)
Kevin: I'm gonna put our names down. (writes his name along with Joe's and Nick's names on the sheet)
Nick: If we do this, we take it seriously.
Kevin: And I want a humungous sword.
Joe: This could be fun.
Kevin: And a leather patch to put my turkey leg in. What? (Joe and Nick are looking at him) In the old days, they didn't have lunch boxes.
Nick: You know, it would be really cool for us to be "The Three Musketeers."
Kevin: So what do you say?
Nick: I'm in.
Joe: Let's do it.
Kevin, Joe and Nick: One for all; all for one! (Joe and Nick put their hands on top of each other and Kevin puts his turkey leg on Joe's hand while holding it)
Nick: That's a little-- Um, we should work on that.
Kevin: Yeah, definitely. (Joe and Nick leave) Ehh, there's a hair on my turkey leg. (removes the hair from the food)

(Joe comes out of the bathroom)

Frankie: Warm towel?
Joe: Don't mind if I do.
Frankie: Five bucks, please.
Joe: Don't mind if I don't. (throws it on Frankie then he walks away and Nick enters the bedroom)
Nick: (takes the towel) I'll take it. And instead five bucks, I'll let you to continue to live here. (he leaves then Kevin leaves the bathroom with five bucks)
Kevin: Hey, man, here you go. (he puts the five bucks in the tip jar) Hit me. Ahh, invigorating.
Tom: (he runs upstairs) Hey, you guys, today's your big audition for "The Three Musketeers," right?
Kevin: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah.
Tom: Need any acting pointers? I got rave reviews in my kindergarten production "Safety on a School Bus."
Kevin: Music and singing come naturally to us, so we're just gonna go with our instincts.
Tom: Instincts? Great. Really bad idea. Let me give you a few pointers.
Nick: That's okay.
Tom: Sure?
Joe: No, thanks, dad.
Tom: Few pointers? How about a few pointers?
Nick: Dad, would you give us a few acting pointers? (he puts down the guitar)
Tom: Okay, if you insist. Come on. All right, look, acting-- the key is right here-- it's all in the face, okay? All right? Let's run through some acting expressions, okay? Start with anger. RRR! That's good, anger. Angry! (Joe and Kevin are doing the expressions with Tom except Nick) Okay, all right. Um, bravery. "Oh, nothing can hurt me. I'm so brave. Okay, that's good. Okay, and now try joy. Right into joy.
Joe: "For me!"
Tom: Ooh, Kevin! Your body language is fantastic. Joe, great energy. Nick, I think you show a little bit of that quiet star power as I did as boy with motion sickness.
Nick: Thanks, dad.
Tom: (he sits on the ottoman) Okay. Now let give you some warm-ups to get your speech clear and your focus centered, okay? (Joe, Kevin and Nick are just looking at Tom) MMM--MMAHH! MMM--EH! MM--EHH! (blowing raspberries) (Joe is looking at Tom) (giggling) (exhaling, mumbling) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are walking away) Yeegaa! Boys? (notices that Kevin, Joe and Nick aren't there)

(Macy is crawling around the hallway to find her lucky charm)

Macy: Move 'em or lose 'em pal! (trying to keep finding it but Kevin and Joe blocks her way then she looks up at them) Oh, sorry. (she stands up)
Kevin: What are you doing, Macy?
Macy: Oh, I lost my lucky charm. I can't play without it and we have basketball game.
Joe: Well, maybe we can help you. What does it look like?
Macy: It’s a little charm that says, “You're #1”, and without it I feel like #2.
Joe: Macy?
Macy: Yeah?
Joe: You don't need a lucky charm.
Macy: Yes, I do. It helps me win and I like to win.
Kevin: Macy, it's your hard work and talent that make you a great athlete.
Macy: I guess.
Kevin: You know what? We don't want you to be late for the game. So you go ahead and me and Joe will stay here and look.
Macy: Right. Okay. (she runs to the game)
Joe: Man, some people are so superstitious. I don't get it. I've used the same blue panda pencil forever on all my math tests. And I don't use it because I'm superstitious. I just always have it with me. Wait, where's my blue panda pencil? (he checks his pants) No! No! (he takes various stuff out of his pockets to find it) No. (sighs) Here it is-- my blue panda pencil.(kisses it)

(Joe goes to the auditorium where auditions are being held and pushes the weapon away from him)

Van Dyke: Hey, Stella. Which role are you trying out for? (Joe is angry at Van Dyke)
Stella: Oh, I'm gonna to try out for this lady with the fancy French name that I can't pronounce.
Van Dyke: Oh, well, it says here that she's beautiful. You'll definitely get the part.
Stella: Thank you.
Joe: Stella! (he walks to her and Van Dyke) There you are. I looked all over. What did you want to talk to me about?
Stella: Um, nothing.
Joe: Me too. We're so in sync, you and me. You and me.(he takes her away from Van Dyke)
Kevin: (he and Nick are walking to Mrs Snark) Hey, Mrs. Snark, my brothers and I are here to audition.
Miss Snark: I heard that JONAS was in the house. And by "house", I obviously mean theatre not hizzy.
Kevin: Right. Um, but we're not here as JONAS, just Nick, Kevin and Joe auditioning like everyone else. We don't want any special treatment.
Miss Snart: Gentlemen, I am a woman of the theatre and biology lab. I award roles on the sole basis of talent. I assure you, you're going to prove yourselves like everyone else. Next!
Nick: My dear Car--
Miss Snark: Brilliant! You've got the part.
Kevin: My lady--
Mrs Snark: Perfection! You've got the part.

(Joe is next to audition but Mrs Snark gives him the part)

Joe: (clears throat) Ahem.
Miss Snark: Magnificent! You've got the part.

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are walking downstairs)

Nick: I still say we got our roles 'cause we're celebrities. I mean, how else do you explain landing a role after saying one word.
Joe: I didn't even say a word. (Mrs. Snark is going to remove the sign up sheet and she puts the program up)
Nick: Mrs. Snark, we're a little concerned that we may gotten our roles because of you know, who we are. (he, Joe and Kevin are feeling concerned because they landed their roles so easily unlike everyone else)
Mrs. Snark: You absolutely got your roles because of who you are and who you are, are fine young actors. When you've been a biology/drama teacher as long as I, you only need to hear one word sometimes less-- to recognize talent. Bravo. (claps her hands) I can assure you that casting you had nothing to do with your ability to sell tickets. (she leaves with the sign up sheet)
Nick: Yeah, nothing to do with it at all.
Stella: (she enters) So did you guys hear? I got the part. I got the part. I am playing "Lady Bona-la-chew--habla-beau-la-blech." Ahem.
Kevin: Wait, isn't that the love interest to Porthos played by our very own Joe?
Joe: is it? I haven't read it that far, so...
Stella: Uh, me neither.
Nick: What's in the box?
Stella: (taps the box) Oh, this is my wig. I guess I have big fancy hair to go with my big fancy name.
Nick:(points to the box) Why does it say box "1 of 3"?

Stella: (holding her wig up) I thought high heels were hard.
Mrs. Snark: Musketeers-- Athos, Porthos and Aramis-- You are deciding whether to trust a criminal to help rescue Porthos's true love. (Stella is locked at the top of the tower while holding a handkerchief) Aramis, from your line.
Nick: (steps forward) Then it is up to us to save her before she loses her head.
Stella: (drops the wig then Kevin, Joe and Nick are looking at it) Sorry.
Mrs. Snark: Staple gun! Everybody take five.(Kevin, Stella and Nick are walking offstage except Joe) Porthos, let's work on your monologue. Okay (walks offstage)
Joe: The night has fallen--
Mrs. Snark: Stop! I'm not feeling Porthos. You're giving me Joe. I love Joe. But I want Porthos.
Joe: Ahem. (looks at the audience and Mrs Snark) The night has fallen. (Stella, Kevin and Nick are worried about Joe) The night has fallen. And within my heart... (sweat is on his face then warped laughters of Mrs. Snark, Stella, Nick and Kevin appears)
Stella: What are you doing?
Nick: Look at you.
Kevin: (blows a raspberry and gives a thumbs down then Joe's sweating face is shown up close)
Mrs. Snark: Porthos? Porthos? (Joe is back to reality and Mrs. Snark tells him to say his line)(Stella, Nick and Kevin are still worried about Joe then he drops his sword and runs out of the auditorium)

(Joe is at the hallway and puts the feathered hat on a student's head then he walks away, then Kevin and Nick appear with their swords to stop him from leaving)

Kevin: Hey, dude. What happened? You totally skipped the scene where I get to wear my feathered hat.
Nick: What's going on?
Joe: I don't want to do this play anymore. It's not my thing.
Kevin: What? You can't just quit. We're The Three Musketeers.
Nick: You looked pretty nervous up there.
Joe: Nervous? I perform in front of 50,000 of screaming fans with no sweat.
Kevin: Yeah, but in front of us, there was some sweat (takes out a towel from his pants and he gives it to Joe) (Joe wipes sweat off his face)
Joe: Okay, maybe just a little nervous. Just a little bit. I think I'm gonna throw up... Just a little bit.
Nick: Why do you suddenly stage fright?
Joe: I don't know. When we're performing, I just have to be Joe! And that's pretty easy.
Kevin: You are an excellent Joe.
Nick: Best one I've ever worked with.
Joe: But with this play, I have to be a totally different person. What if no one believes me? Or they think you're Aramis and you're Athos and I'm Stinkos.(he grabs Nick by the shirt) I mean, I-- I don't want to do that.
Nick: Bro, this is supposed to be fun. If it's not, forget it. No big.
Joe: I'm fine.
Nick: Then, please let go of my shirt. (Joe removes his hand from the shirt then Nick and Kevin leave Joe)

(Mrs. Snark and Stella go to the hallway)

Mrs. Snark: What is going on? Not the show, I can tell you that. Not to be melodramatic about it, but the show must go on!
Joe: I can't do the role.
Stella: Joe, are you okay?
Mrs. Snark: You can't quit. If you quit, I'll have no career.
Joe: I'm sorry, it's just you're going to find somebody else to do the part.
Mrs. Snark: Do you have another brother?
Joe: There's Frankie. He's eight but he can play really close to 11.
Mrs. Snark: Where am I going to find another Porthos in such short notice?
Van Dyke: What up, diggy dogs? (he comes and he puts his arm around Joe)
Mrs. Snark: Magnificent! You've got the part.
Van Dyke: Awesome. A part of what?
Mrs. Snark: The part of Porthos in "The Three Musketeers. (Van Dyke is confused) Porthos is her love interest.
Van Dyke: Oh. I'm in.
Mrs. Snark: After the break, we'll start rehearsing the big romantic scene between you and Stella. Come. (she, Stella and Van Dyke leave)

(Joe is worried)


(Kevin is at his locker putting his textbook away then a mad Macy is behind his locker and she scared him)

Kevin: Haa!
Macy: It's my talent and hard work that's made me a great athlete. Nerks!(she is angry)(walks in front of Kevin then she turns around to apologize) Ooh! I'm sorry. It's just we lost yesterday I didn't have my lucky charm. I threw nothing but bricks. Me! Mighty Mite Macy Misa!
Kevin: (he takes off his boot and gives it to Macy) Here.
Macy: (holds Kevin's boot and walks while holding with it) Your Jacques LeFajette size 8 and a half calfskin boot in hot cocoa brown? (she turns around) Why?
Kevin: Don't tell anybody, but I believe in lucky charms too. That's my lucky boot. I want you to have it.
Macy: But how do you know it's lucky, besides the obvious fact it gets to hug your foot all day and night.
Kevin: I wear it every single night on stage. I’ve never done a performance without it, and I’ve never been struck by lightning! Now, if that’s not lucky I don’t know what is.
Macy: Well, then come on lucky boot. Let's go kick some butt! (she leaves with Kevin's boot then he is walking with one boot one)

(Joe and Nick are walking downstairs then they are about to leave but Kevin comes to them)

Kevin: Hey, Joe, can we talk about the play?
Joe: What about it?
Kevin: Aren't you guys gonna ask me about my boot first? (he is shown wearing a sock on his left foot)
Joe and Nick: No. (they shake their heads)
Kevin: Joe, seeing as how you decided to leave the play, me and Nick want to let you know that if you wanted us to quit, we will. (Nick nods in agreement) I really really don't want to but I will. I really don't want to but I will. I really don't want to but I will. I really really don't want to but I will.
Joe: Guys. I don't you to quit because of me. It's really cool. I appreciate it. I guess we are The Musketeers. (horns blow)
Stella: Hey.
Van Dyke: Hey, my two Musketeers. Let's hit play practice.
Joe: I think you mean rehearsal.
Van Dyke: Rehearsal, yeah. That's what Mrs. Snark called it. (notices that Kevin isn't wearing one of his boots) Hey, where's your boot?

(He, Nick and Kevin are going to leave)

Kevin: Thank you for asking. You know, it is a crazy story... It happened to me a little earlier
Stella: Look, um, I was sorry to see you quit.
Joe: Yeah, well, Van Dyke stepped right in there. I mean, I'm not Van Dyke Tosh, you know?
Stella: Well, he's not you.
Joe: Yeah, well, he's a pretty good looking guy, though.
Stella: Do you want to lie to you?
Joe: Yes, I do.
Van Dyke: Hey, Stella, come on! One for all and all for fun!

(Stella leaves Joe and he walks to the program then he walks away upset)


(Kevin, Nick and Van Dyke are still rehearsing at the bedroom)

Kevin: Tis a great risk, Porthos. (he and Nick are practicing with swords)
Van Dyke: (grunting) But Athos, we must trust...him if we are to save the life of the fair... Lady De Bonna...
Joe: (he goes upstairs) Lady De-Bonna-So-La-Boo. I thought rehearsal was over an hour ago.
Nick: Yeah, well, some of us needed some more practice. (Kevin pats and points at Van Dyke)
Van Dyke: Ah, no problem, fellas. I'm glad I could help you out. I did win the team-player-of-the-year trophy two years running. Speaking of running, where's the can?
Kevin: Over there.
Van Dyke: Thanks. (runs to the bathroom)
Joe: Well, that is one classy guy.
Kevin: Yeah, but we still wish it was you that we were rehearsing with, Joe.
Nick: And I bet you wish Van Dyke wasn't rehearsing with Stella.
Joe: So he kisses her hand in once scene-- no big deal.
Kevin: So you did read ahead.
Joe: Whatever. The point is, why is Van Dyke here in our room? This is like Sacred JONAS territory.
Kevin: It's not like Van Dyke's going to replace you, Joe.
Nick: Except, you know, in the play where he actually did replace you.
Joe: Right.
Van Dyke: Yo, dudes. What do you say we grab some bites?
Kevin: Sounds good.
Nick: I'm in.
'Van Dyke : One for all--
Kevin and Nick: All for one.

(Nick, Kevin and Van Dyke leave the bedroom)

Joe: (mimicking Van Dyke) Yo, dudes, Why not grab some bites?

(Joe, Nick and Kevin are in the atrium then Van Dyke enters and sits with Kevin, Nick and Joe then Kevin and Nick scoots down which made Joe fell of the bench) (Kevin and Nick are in the elevator with other students then Nick and Kevin hand signaled Van Dyke to enter the elevator before it closes but Joe tries to enter but his nose is hurt) (Kevin, Van Dyke and Nick are walking in the hallway then Van Dyke blows Stella a kiss and Joe is mad)


Joe: (enters backstage) Hey, you guys, I just wanted to say have a great show.
'Van Dyke : Hey thanks, bud! We sure will. (Joe shakes Nick's hand) Okay, boys, huddle up! Go acting!
Kevin: Yeah. Um, Joe, this is really weird. I think this is the first time we've perform without you.
Joe: I guess so.
Mrs. Snark: Attention, everyone! Attention! Last-minute change between the romantic love scene between Porthos and Lady B. Instead of a kiss on the hand, the school board has said it's okay to for it to be a real kiss!
Joe: What? (he is shocked)
'Van Dyke : Awesome. (Van Dyke sprays his mouth and Nick is trying to take out the spit from his ear)
'Mrs. Snark : Places, everyone. Curtains in one minute! (feedback)

(Joe, Macy, Frankie and Tom are in the audience)

Macy: Popcorn?
Joe: How can you eat at a time like this? (Macy looks at him then she looks back at the play and eats the popcorn)
Tom: Thanks for filming the play, Frankie. Your mother would be upset if she couldn't watch this when she gets back from your aunt Debbie's.
Frankie: No problem.(he is watching cartoons rather than filming the play)(cartoon sounds)
Tom: Are you watching cartoons? Give me this. (takes the video away from Frankie)
Kevin: I knew it was him for he had the mark of the criminal on his shoulder!
Nick: Then it is up to us to save her before she loses her head.

(all applaud, sigh)

Kevin: Tis a great risk, Porthos. Tis a great risk, Porthos. (waiting for Van Dyke to come)

(Van Dyke has stage fright but Mrs. Snark elbowed him and pushed him to go to the stage then he walks on stage)

Man: Van Dyke. (applause) (Van Dyke bumps into Kevin which makes Kevin bumps into Nick)
Van Dyke: But Athos, we must trust...him for tonight, I shall ask-- I shall ask...
'Mrs. Snark : "Sweet my beloved into my arms and proclaim my love for her."
Van Dyke: Sweep up with my arms the love and proclaim for her.
Macy: Looks like somebody could use a lucky boot.
Van Dyke: Dare I ask if I may have your heart?
Stella: Yes yes, my beloved. A thousand times, yes.
Van Dyke: Dare I ask...if I may have a kiss?
Stella: Dare dare, my beloved. A thousands times dare. (she walks down the tower then she holds hands with Van Dyke)
Macy: Stella and Van Dyke are gonna...(she looks at Joe's chair but he left the audience to interrupt Van Dyke from kissing Stella)(Van Dyke and Stella are about to kiss)
Joe: No! (he swings on a rope and knocks Van Dyke away while Stella backs away from being hit)
Stella: Joe, what are you doing?
Joe: I'm sorry, but he can't kiss you.
Stella: Why not?
Joe: Because this is my role. (he picks up the feathered hat) Dare I ask, may I have a kiss, Lady De-Bonna-So-La-Boo?
Stella: Yes. I mean... Dare dare, my beloved. A thousands times dare. (Joe kisses her on the cheek) (applause from Nick, Kevin, Mrs. Snark, Macy and the crowd)
Mrs. Snark: Bravo! Bravo! (Van Dyke is waking up with the flower between his teeth and he stands next to Mrs. Snark then spits the flower out) (Van Dyke reaches into his pocket and give a tissue to Mrs. Snark)
Joe: (he and Stella switch places) Aramis, my sword! (Nick tosses the sword to Joe and he catches it) Ahh!
Mrs. Snark: (wiping her tears with a tissue) It's better than "Cats."
Joe: We'll return at dawn, my love. (he walks over to Kevin and Nick)
Nick, Joe, and Kevin: (Kevin and Nick take out their swords then the three of them raised their swords together) One for all, and all for one!
Kevin: And a leather pouch for my turkey leg!

(applause from the crowd as they stand up clapping while Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella are bowing then as the curtain is closing, Kevin and Joe are waving)


(Kevin is sitting on the bench at the atrium and he is taking out his turkey leg from his bag and he bites into it then Macy enters the atrium)

Macy: Hey, Kevin.
Kevin: What's up, Macy? How'd the basketball game go? (he puts his turkey leg away)
Macy: Oh, we lost.
Kevin: Did you get struck by lightning?
Macy: No.
Kevin: Good. Then my lucky boot worked.
Macy: (sits next to him) Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. (she takes out Kevin's boot from her bag) Boots, charms--they're not good luck. It is talent and hard work that helped me win all my awards and trophies.
Kevin: Oh, okay. So then you're not gonna want this cheesy little #1 charm on the stairs this morning?
Macy: Actually, I don't. (thunder rumbles)

(Macy and Kevin are looking up and they see thunder)

Macy: Here's your boot. (she gives the boot back to Kevin)
Kevin: Here's your charm! (he gives the charm to Macy)

(they are running to opposite directions)

Macy: Okay, um, that way.
Kevin: Ahh!

Frantic Romantic[edit]


(Joe, Nick and Kevin are riding on Joe's motorcycle and they arrived at a VIP party but the crowd and the papazzi goes up to the band then they walk to the movie theater as Kevin and Joe wear sunglasses)

Nick: Wait. Let's not be those guys who wear their sunglasses at night. (he tells Kevin and Joe that they shouldn't wear sunglasses so they take off their sungleasses but the cameras blinded the eyes of Nick, Kevin and Joe then they accidently bumped into the trash cans and fell on the ground)
Nick: Maybe we should be those guys for about 10 seconds. (he, Joe and Kevin are wearing sunglasses)
Kevin: Yeah.

(Joe is walking to the counter while Kevin is having a drink)

Joe: (talks on the phone) She's not my girlfriend! I don't even know Fiona Skye! Yes, and that's for the record. (hangs up the phone then talks on on the phone again) Hello? Now they're calling from "Celebrity Dirt." No, Fiona and I are not involved in any way. Why are all these reporters asking about Fiona Skye. Who is she? (asks Kevin)
Kevin: She was in that horror film "Screaming till You Die Screaming" or "Crying till you Die Crying." Either way, it was horrible. I remember being there and laughing till I died laughing. Yeah, 'cause I... laughed.
Joe: I don't know her! Leave me alone! Oh! I'm sorry, little boy. Don't cry. You have the wrong number. I just made a little boy cry. (he tells Kevin that Joe yelled at the boy on the cellphone)
Nick: Hey, nice shot of you and Fiona with your arms around each other. (Nick slides down the pole while holding the cellphone and walks to the kitchen counter to give it to Joe then he sees the photo of him and Fiona hugging)
Joe: I don't remember this. Wait a minute. (he has a flashback of him, Kevin and Nick walking into the theater then Fiona Skye walks up to him)
Fiona: Hold the door, handsome. (she puts her arm around Joe and he takes off his sunglasses)
Joe: I don't get it. (Nick takes back his cellphone from Joe) What's the big deal? She put her arm around me for one picture. A million of girls have done that... and every one special. (his teeth dings) (Kevin and Nick look at Joe) Seriously. (breaking the fourth wall)
Tom: (enters while holding the magazine and Nick reaches for his phone) (Tom walks to Joe) Hey, looks like somebody's got a new dance partner, a new boo, a new shorty.
Joe: The only shorty in my life is Frankie.
Tom: It says here you're so crazy about Fiona Skye you gave her a diamond necklace. (reads the magazine)
Joe: How could they say that?
Tom: Well, there's a picture of you giving her a diamond necklace. (holds the magazine)
Joe: (exits and picks up Fiona's diamond necklace) Did somebody lose a necklace?
Fiona: (exits then Joe gives back the necklace) Oh, thanks, gorgeous! You're my hero.
Joe: This is ridiculous. It was her necklace. I'm just the gorgeous hero who picked it up.
Tom: I wouldn't worry about it, you know another day or two. This'll disappear from all the magazines and all the blogs. (phone chirps) (takes out the phone out of his blazer) And all the vlogs (phone beeps) and all tweets.

Joe: There's like 100 reporters and photographers outside.
Nick: Really? They never bother us at school anymore.
Kevin: Maybe, it's because one of us is dating a girl and they're going to "kiss until they die kissing".
Joe: Will you guys cut it out? There's nothing going on between me and Fiona Skye. (grabs the magazine from Kevin)
Macy: (enters) Everybody on the JONAS fansite wants to know what's going on between you and Fiona Skye.
Joe: (groans)
Nick: It's all just gossip. None of it's true. Joe, no one's gonna take this seriously.
Stella: Don't even talk to me. (walks past Macy, Joe, Kevin and Nick)
Joe: Aw, Stella. (Joe gives the magazine back to Kevin and he opens his locker to put the magazine in it)
Stella: Oh, I know you. You're famous! Oh my gosh. You're Fiona Skye's boyfriend.
Joe: Okay, hold up. We were at the same club. They took a picture of us. (stops her from walking)
Stella: Giving her a necklace.

(Kevin, Macy and Nick walk up to Joe and Stella)

Joe: It was her necklace. She dropped it. I picked it up.
Stella: Oh.
Joe: Wait a minute. Are you jealous?
Stella: Jealous? Ha. No no. Why would you even go there? Maybe, you're jealous.
Joe: Of What?
Stella: Exactly. Of What?
Joe: Okay, now I'm totally confused.
Kevin, Macy and Nick: Us too.
Joe: Honestly, I hope I never see or hear her name ever again.
Fiona: Joe! It's Fiona. (Joe turns around hears her voice then sees her and her photographer but Nick, Macy and Kevin are upset) Move move move! Excuse me, excuse me. Move. (she walks down the staircase and puts her arm around him)
Joe: What are you doing at my school? Why is there a photographer? And why is he taking a picture of us?
Fiona: I came to visit you, honey. And what good is a hug without a photographer? (she puts her arm around Joe again) Take it.
Stella: Okay, excuse me, but just who do you think you are? (Fiona hands Stella the wrong magazine) "The scariest thing in this film is Fiona Skye's acting."
Fiona: Whoa. Paolo! (Macy and Nick are seen laughing)
Stella: "Fiona Skye-- the girl with Joe that everyone wants to know." (Stella reads and hands the magazine back to Fiona then she gave it back to Paolo)
Joe: Okay, she's not with Joe and I don't want to know. No offense. I bet you're a very nice girl. (Paolo is mouthing no) (pop music ringtone plays)
Fiona: (Paolo picks up the phone and Fiona talks on it) You've got Fiona. Ugh, when will you reporters stop hounding me?! (Nick, Macy and Kevin are looking at each other confused then look back at Fiona) Yes, honey. I'm with Joe right now. That is between me and Joe. We want to keep this whole delicious thing private. Don't forget I have a new horror movie coming out next month. It's called --(gasps) "Girl, Don't Turn Around!" And I play "Girl That Turns Around." (Paolo hangs up the phone and he gives it back to her)
Joe: I see what's going on here. You're romantically linking yourself to me to help your career.
Fiona: Okay, I admit maybe that's where this whole thing got started, but now I see you here without distracting flash of the cameras... (she puts her arm around Joe) I could really see myself falling for you.
Joe: No offense, but I'm not interested.
Fiona: Are you sure?
Stella: He is absolutely positive.
Fiona: Who is this person, Joey? Is this your girlfriend?
Joe and Stella: No.
Fiona: Great. Be a doll and get me a decaf cappuccino and maybe a low-fat for yourself. (Stella is about to hurt Fiona but Joe puts him arm while Nick, Macy and Kevin restrain Stella from hurting Fiona)
Kevin : Ahh. We're gonna walk away now (he, Stella, Macy, Joe and Nick are walking away from Fiona and Paolo)

(Joe walks out of a classroom and then Fiona hugs him) (Joe is at the atrium reading the history book and Fiona enters then she knocks the book out of his hands to take another picture) (Various magazines are shown and Paolo is taking pictures)


Stella:(she is keeping an eye out for Fiona and Paolo while Joe hides his face behind his history book and Kevin also his face hides but for no reason) Coast is clear.
Joe: (closes the book) I can't do this anymore. I just read a whole page of my history book. She's driving me crazy.
Nick: (walks up to Joe) Really? According to this blog, you guys have secret nicknames for each other. You call her "Fifi" and she calls you "Pookins".
Joe: "Pookins?"
Kevin: I cannot believe they printed that. Now, they're not secret anymore. Now you gotta find--
Joe: There are no nicknames. She's making it all up to help her career. I just wish there was a way we could get rid of her.
Stella: You know, Joe, if you need help getting rid of this girl, I could always talk to her. (slams locker loudly)
Joe: And by talk, you mean rip her hair out.
Stella: If by hair, you mean those cheap extensions?
Kevin: Why can't we just ask Big Man to help?
Nick: Yeah, that's a great idea. (Big Man is carrying her away)
Fiona: No, put me down! Put me down right now!
Nick: "How JONAS picks up girls."
Kevin: Yeah, why does Joe have to be such a media magnet.
Joe I can't help it. It's the curse of the cool.
Nick: Wait a minute. That's it. If Fiona thinks being connected to you makes her look cool, then what if you weren’t cool?
Joe: But I am.
Nick: But what if you weren’t?
Joe: But I am.
Nick: But what if you weren’t?
Joe: Hey, what's up? But I am.
Stella: Okay, can we move past this part.
Nick: What if Fiona thought you were so uncool that it actually made her look bad to be seen with you.
Stella: Yeah yeah yeah, she wouldn't be interested at all.
Joe She'd run for the hills.
Nick Exactly. (Joe, Nick and Stella walk away)
Kevin: So we know she lives in the hills. (follows Joe, Nick and Stella)

(Kevin, Nick, Fiona and Paolo are at the bedroom)

Fiona: Wow. This place is fanastic. You know, I was a little bit surprised by the invite after the way Joe has been avoiding me.
Nick: You'd really won him over. He's crazy about you and wants you to meet the Joe that no one else gets to see.
Kevin: Yeah, the relaxed, stay at home, chillin'-with-the-peeps Joe.
Fiona: Paolo, take lots of pictures.(Paolo takes pictures of Kevin, Joe and Nick's bedroom rather than taking pictures of Fiona) Of me, numbskull.
Kevin: So this is the mini recording studio and this is Nick's area. (Nick pressed a button on the remote to make the drums go up)(Fiona is amazed) (pulleys whirr)
Fiona: Cute.
Kevin: And over here is the juice bar, and this is my favorite. (grabs the remote that controls the movement of the guitar rack) It's my space. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. (clicks) And the main event-- This is Joe's. (Joe's bed has childish things) (Nick picks up a bell)
Fiona: This is Joe's bed?
Nick: Joe? Where are you?
Joe: (nerdy voice) Bathroom.
Kevin: You know Joe-- So fantical about his appearance.

(Joe walks out of the bathroom dressed as a nerd)

Fiona: Joe?
Joe: (nerdy voice) Hi, Fiona.
Fiona: What is going on? Is this some kind of a joke?
Joe: (wails) (runs to his bed and pulls up the comforter then hides under it) I told you she wouldn't understand! (continues to cry)
Nick: You really hurt his feelings. C'mon, Joe. Come on out and see the pretty bells. (calms Joe down with the bells then he comes out from under the comforter)
Fiona: You've got to be kidding me.
Kevin: You should really say that you're sorry.
Fiona: I'm sorry?
Joe: Thank you, Fifi. (he and Fiona hug each other while Paolo takes a picture of them) You're the first girl to bring out the real me-me. (sneezes)
Fiona: Ew!
Joe: Oh. Can you get me a tissue? (Nick holds a box of used tissues and Fiona takes a tissue from the box to wipe the snot then she drops the gross tissue to Nick's arm and he puts it back in the box and puts it down on the ottoman) Oh. That's the box I put all the used ones in.
Kevin: (gives Fiona a whole stack of unused tissues) Here you go. You're gonna need these.
Joe: I'm contagious.
Tom: (enters) Hey, you guys-- Whoa! Joe?
Joe: Hi, daddy.
Tom: Why are you--
Nick: This is Fiona Skye. Joe has decided to reveal his true self to her no matter how bad the pubicity would be for him or anyone connected to him.
Tom: Ah, I get it. I see.
Nick: See?
Tom: Has he told you everything?
Nick: Dad, dad appreciate the help. I think we should--
Tom: Eyebrows? Fake.
Joe: Okay.
Kevin: Dad, hey, you know, mom cooked something for you, left something for you on the stove.
Tom: Oh, You sure.
Kevin: Yeah!
Tom: Joe, I'm gonna put your burger in the blender. He's got most of his teeth. I don't know why he's so afraid to use 'em.
Kevin: Yeah, we know. It's a sad thing.
Fiona: Okay. Okay, I get it. (gives the stack of tissues back to Kevin) I mean, we all have our little secrets and our "public personas." I mean, you would scream if you see me first thing in the morning.
Nick: I could scream right now.
Joe: But with you, I know I don't have to put on an act. And if you love me for me, then everyone else can too. Paolo, get this shot.
Fiona: Everybody? As in everybody else?
Joe: I want the whole world to know about us. This is the Joe that you're going to be romantically linked to. (Kevin pats Joe on the back)
Nick: (looks then picks up the picture frame and holds it) I haven't seen him this happy since he become a fifth-level wizard. (Fiona and Paolo are shocked)
Kevin: And it's all thanks to Fion-- (Fiona and Paolo left)
Joe: Yes! (high fives Kevin)
Nick : We did it!
Kevin: That's right. She's gone. (shakes Nick's hand)
Tom: (enters with the blended burger) Joe-Joe bear, got your burger.
Joe: Dad, she's gone.
Tom:(sniffs) Oh, I just-- Mmn. That's, uh (tastes the blended burger) Nope, no no. (walks away)

(Kevin, Stella, Joe and Nick are walking at the school hallway)

Joe: You had to take a look on Fiona's face when she saw me. When I told her that I was going to go out as the real "Joe" in public...
Nick: The girl ran for the hills.
Kevin: We're pretty sure she lives there.
Stella: Yay. (excitely claps her hands)
Joe: I can promise you that's the last time we're gonna be seeing Fiona Skye.
Fiona: Hi, pookins! (arrives at school with Paolo)
Kevin, Joe, Stella and Nick: Oh no.
Fiona: Paolo posted the pictures he took at your house and the fan sites are on fire!
Joe: What?
Fiona: "Fiona brings out the real Joe." (she hands her phone to Joe and he looks at the picture) (pop ringtone rings) (Joe gives her phone back to her) (clears throat) (Paolo picks up the phone then he puts it on Fiona's ear and she talks on it) Hello. Fiona. No no no! I specifically said my romance with Joe should be kept private. And you can print that! (Paolo gives the phone back to her and they walk away)
Stella: (screams)
Kevin: Wow. You should be in "Scream Until You Die Screaming." (Joe checks his ear) That would've been good. (Stella looks at him)

(Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella are sitting at a table)

Joe: It's hopeless. No matter what I say or do, all the magazines are talking about is my "romance" with Fiona.
Nick: Not true. They also mention that you're a world-class nerd.
Joe: Thanks, Nick. That'll do.
Macy: (on the stairs) Then we've gotta get them talking something else. Because the best way to end one rumor...
Nick: Is by starting another.
Macy: Mm-hmm.
Stella: You are a genious.
Macy: (walks down the stairs and goes to the table then sits wth Stella, Nick, Kevin and Joe) You don't get to be head of the #1 JONAS fan club, without knowing how to deal with gossip.
Nick: Where did we go wrong, professor?
Macy: To get Fiona Skye to leave you alone, you tried to make yourself less attractive.
Joe: So?
Macy: There is absolutely no way you could make yourself less attractive.
Joe: Told you. (hits Kevin)
Macy: What you need to do is make the sites and mags believe that you've found someone more attractive than Fiona. "Joe Dumps Fiona For Mystery Girl."
Stella: Yeah, well, you're going to need pictures.
Nick: That means we'll need a mystery girl.
Kevin: We can put Nick in a wig and a dress.
Nick: Ha ha. No, we can't.
Kevin: Um, you're probably right. That's more publicity than we're looking for. Um, there's gotta be somebody. (he, Joe, Nick, Macy and Stella are thinking then he, Joe, Nick and Macy have found the mystery girl)

(Macy, Nick, Kevin and Joe are looking at Stella but she looks away a second then turns her head facing Nick, Kevin and Joe)

Stella: Oh no. No. No. No.

Macy: (she is taking pictures of Joe and Stella at the bedroom while Kevin is holding the fan and Nick is holding the lamp) Great, now take her hand. (Joe takes Stella's hand)
Joe: What do you want me to do with it? (asks Macy)
Macy: (walks to Joe and Stella) Hold it. Now, look at her like you're in love.
Stella: Is that your in-love face or did you just eat a bad taco?
Macy: (takes more pics) Okay, moving on. (Joe and Stella are wearing winter clothes and they are holding ski equipment) Now you're skiing down a big hill. (Kevin throws snow at Stella) Smile. The wind is your face. All right, now swoosh to a stop. Okay, now a big hug.(Kevin is throwing snow then Joe and Stella begin to hug) A-all right. (Joe and Stella continue to to hug) Well, hug high and his arm. Uh, no-- you're getting a little tangled there. (sighs) (takes one last pic and Kevin is next to her) (Now gaze into each other's eyes. And closer. And closer. And closer. Now kiss her! (tells Joe to kiss Stella)
Joe and Stella: I'm done. (they walk away from each other then Macy stops taking pictures)

(Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella are at the lockers)

Stella: I'm just saying it was a little rude to go down the slope in front of me.
Joe: We weren't really skiing!
Macy: (enters with her laptop) They posted pictures of the story! My first credit in a major magazine! Look. (Kevin, Nick, Joe and Stella run to her)
Nick: "Photos by Missy Mesa." Missy Mesa?
Macy: Close enough.
Stella: Okay, let me see. Let me see. "Joe Leaves Fiona For Fake Blonde." Fake blonde?!
Macy: I'm in the big time now. I had to spice it up. Besides no one will know you're the mystery woman.
Fiona: Ah, the mystery woman.
Macy: Bye. (leaves)
Joe: Ahh!
Fiona: I knew it was you the minute I saw the fake blonde hair!
Stella: Okay, you know what?
Joe: Whoa whoa whoa. (breaks up the fight of Fiona and Stella)
Fiona: You think the press is gonna drop me and focus on you? They always side with the wounded girlfriend.
Joe: You're not my girlfriend!
Fiona: Of course I am. That's why you bought me this diamond bracelet for my birthday. (shows Joe the jewelry)
Joe: Wow. I'm a big spender.
Kevin And all I got for my birthday was a macrame guitar strap that said "rock on!" Thanks a lot. (Nick shakes his head)
Stella: Okay, you know what? You cannot keep this up. Sooner or later, people are gonna realize that this is all fake. What are you gonna say when the press asks you what it is about Joe that you love so much?
Fiona: Easy. His fame, his success, his fans.
Stella: All superficial. They're gonna see right through it.
Fiona: Really? And what will his "mystery woman" say she loves about him?
Stella: I'm not going to pretend to be in love with Joe. But if I was, I would say... the way he flips his hair out of his eyes, the way he grins when he gets nervous...and his heart.
Fiona: Well, it looks to me we have a love triangle the press is suck up with a straw.
Joe: (groans) I can't live like this!
Fiona: Ooh, that's good. "Joe can't live without Fiona."
Joe: Will you please just go away? I'm begging you.
Fiona: Don't beg, honey. It's not pretty.
Macy: Guess what else isn't pretty? (enters while holding Fiona's yearbook photo)
Fiona: Who are you? (walks towards Macy)
Macy: I'm Missy Mesa-- blogger, JONAS fan club president and, as of today, the owner of a very rare Fiona Skye photo. Or should I say... Bertha Snerkus? (holds up the photo and turns it around)
Fiona: My 9th grade yearbook photo?! (Joe, Stella, Kevin and Nick are shocked at Fiona's school photo) Where did you get that?!
Macy: From my newest fan club member. (reveals that Paolo gave Macy the photo) Oh, here's your hat. (puts the hat on Paolo and he wears it) I think the only headline that will prevent this photo from being released is "Fiona Skye Breaks Up With Joe!"
Fiona: Paolo, after all you've done for me, this is how you repay me? Don't speak to me. (walks away) (Paolo gives Macy a high five then he walks away)
Joe: Way to go, Macy.
Macy: Oh! I'd better hurry if I want to be the first to post about your break-up. (leaves)
Joe: Stella, so do you really like those things you said about me?
Stella: Um, I don't really rememember what I said.
Kevin: Oh yeah, I think it had something to do with the way, he flips his hair you know, out of his eyes. Like... It looks better with... not my hair.
Stella: Did I say that? It's funny, I don't remember. It was two minutes ago.
Nick: I think you also mentioned you like the way he grins when he's nervous kinda like this.(imitates Joe's smile) All right, it doesn't look good on my face. I get it.
Joe: You also said you think I'm super hot.
Stella: Okay, I did not say that.
Nick: Yeah, she didn't say that.
Joe: Yeah, you did.
Stella: I so did not.
Kevin: Joe, now it's your turn.
Joe: What?
Nick: Yeah, Joe, tell us three things you love about Stella.
Stella: (walks up to Joe) Well? (waiting for Joe's three things that he love about her)
Joe: I gotta go. (he, Nick and Kevin are walking away from Stella)
Stella: Oh yeah? Well, your smile's nothing special, you know. Oh, am I kidding? (starts to walk away) He's adorable.

(dance music playing) (crowd cheering) (Kevin, Joe, Nick, Stella and Macy exiting the van and the five of them plus Big Man are walking to the party)

Stella: Okay, I'll admit it would have been kinda cool to be know as the "mystery girl" in Joe's life.
Woman: Hey, it's the fake blonde! (Kevin and Nick are entering the party) (Big Man holds the door for Stella, Macy and Joe)
Macy: Hey, the fake blonde has a name! It's Stella Malone! (tells the woman) You can thank me later. (enters the party)

(A magazine of Stella and Joe is shown then they are entering the party)

Detention[edit]


(Nick is walking to the lockers while holding lyric sheets)

Joe: What's this? (Nick hands him and Kevin the lyrics of the song then Kevin looks at it)
Nick: It's the lyrics for the new song we're recording on Saturday. Learn it, (he tosses the lyrics but Joe tries to catch them and Kevin catches them) live it, love it, but mostly learn it.
Joe: Recording on a Saturday? When was the last time we did anything normal on a weekend?
Kevin: Yeah, I just want to go hang out at the mall.
Nick: Exactly. Wait, I don't wanna hang out at the mall.
Joe: Me neither.

(Joe is walking to the drinking fountain to take a drink and he sees Abby drinking plenty of water)

Joe: Abby, save some for the fish. (Abby hands him the bag of chips and he reads it) "Captain Salty's Sea Salt'N'Vinegar Thick-Cut Salt Chips. Now With Extra Sea Salt." Oh, Got it.
Abby: finished drinking) Ah. Mmm. It's all yours!
Joe: Thanks.
Abby: I think my hair is stuck.
Joe: It's the fire alarm.
Abby: Feels--
Joe: Let me just help you out. (helping Abby free her hair)
Abby: (screams softly) Ow. (her hair is free from the fire alarm) (fire alarm goes off)
Joe: Oops. False alarm! Everybody just stay calm!
Kevin: (walks down the steps while carrying a lunch lady to the hallway after realizing there's a fire drill happening) Fire! Fire! Go!
Lunch lady: Put me down!
Kevin: Save yourselves! (shouting) (he walks down to the hallway while still carrying the lunch lady but Joe and Abby see Kevin walking to the exit while holding the lunch lady) (Joe and Abby try to stop the fire alarm but they are unable to stop it from ringing)
Ms. Snart: (walks to Joe and Abby) Somebody care to explain what happened?
Abby: My hair got stuck-- (tells Mrs. Snart)
Mrs. Snart: I've heard enough! (gives Abby a detention slip)
Abby: Detention?! That is so not fair!
Joe: You can't give her detention. It was an accident. Besides, if anybody's fault, it's mine.
Ms. Snart: Oh, please, like I'm going to give a JONAS detention? My niece would kill me. Hey, Joe, can I get a quick photo? (Joe takes a photo with her)
Joe: Yeah, sure. (walks to Ms. Snart and she pulls him closer to her then she walks away) (Abby walks towards him and she is annoyed at him) Abby, I'm so sorry.
Abby: It must be nice to get away with everything just because you're famous.
Joe: We don't get away with everything. Ms. Snart's new here. Everyone else treats us like normal guys, regardless of our hotness, coolness and modesty. (chuckles)
Abby: (sighs) (rolls her eyes and starts to walk away from Joe)
Joe: Abby!
Abby: (grunts softly) (continues to walk away)
Joe: Abby!

(Macy is at the lockers then Stella shows up with the progress report from the guidance con)

Stella: (worried) Macy, you have to help me. (closes Macy's locker) The most horrible thing has happened! (she puts her head on Macy's shoulder)
Macy: Your toenails don't match your purse?
Stella: Okay, that will never happen. But seriously read this. (gives the progress report to Macy to read)
Macy: (sees Stella's progress report) Oh, so, they finally figured out that you've avoided physical education all this time. (she gives Stella's progress report back to her)
Stella: Yeah, my guidance counselor finally got internet and realized that "shopper's elbow" isn't a real injury. So I have until the end of the semester to fill the requirement or it's, "hello summer school".
Macy: Then just take P.E.
Stella: Whoa whoa whoa. How much time do you have to get dressed in between classes?
Macy: About five minutes.
Stella: There's no way I can accomplish this in five minutes.
Macy: Stell, I've seen you change your entire look in the elevator betwenn the first and second floor. What gives?
Stella: (turns her head at Nick's locker) You know, I'm lousy at sports.
Macy: Oh, yeah.
Stella: Thank you. Well, I don't want everyone else to know! It's so embrassing.
Macy: Okay. Don't worry. I'll help you. Just meet me after school in the gym. The big red building right next to the football field.
Stella: That's the school dance building.
Macy: Also known as the gym.
Stella: I knew that.
Macy: Of course you did. (she puts her arm around Stella then they walk away from the lockers)

Joe: (he is walking out of the classroom and enters the hallway to talk to Abby but she is ignoring him) Hey, Abby, wait up.
Abby: (sighs) (walks away)
Joe: Abby, I need to talk to you. (Abby continues to walk away from Joe but he follows her around) Abby, I know you probably think you've got a really bad deal on detention. But if you please let me just explain, I'm sure you'll understand. (Abby walks to the elevator and she enters it then she pushes the button) Please. Abby. (the elevator doors are going to close) Hey, the doors are closing. Abby, the doors are-- Can you open the doors, please?

(Joe is talking to Nick and Kevin then the three of them are walking to the lockers)

Joe: Guys, I can't believe Abby's getting detention and I'm not. I don't want her or anybody at the school thinking we're getting special treatment for being famous.
Nick: I didn't know you had a thing for Abby.
Joe: I don't. I just feel really bad about what happened.
Nick: Yeah. And by "feel bad," you mean "have a thing for."
Kevin: Oh, nice. (gives Nick a five)
Joe: (faces Nick and Kevin) You know what I have to do? I have to get detention too. That'll prove to Abby that we don't get special treatment here.
Nick: All right, as long as you don't turn this into one of your big old productions.
Joe: Kevin, give me a blueprint of the school.
Kevin: Why would I have one of those?
Joe: How about a scale model of the school?
Kevin: You got it. (Kevin opens his locker to take out the scale model from it but Nick is seen shaking his head then Kevin points to the location of him, Joe and Nick are right now) This is our current position.
Joe: All right, I just gotta think of a way that will get me enough trouble to get me into dentention.
Kevin: I'm on it. (gives the scale model to Nick while he takes his cellphone out of his pocket) (keys beeping) (he dials the number
Joe: But won't get me kicked out of school.
Kevin: Oh. (looks at Joe and Nick) (beeps) (talks on his cellphone) Hi. I'd like to cancel that order I just emailed you about. Yeah, for the 20 goats and the wheelbarrow. It's not gonna work out this time. Nick gives the scale back to Kevin and he holds it) But I still need the ducks for Saturday.

(Macy and Stella are at the gym)

Stella: Ooh, this is nice. It's really spacious. Love the hardwood floors. (taps the wood) Thanks again for helping me, Mace. I know this can be a challenge.
Macy: Oh, that's what best friends do-- they help each other. Like the time I broke my ankle and you painted my toenails so they'd looked good when the boys signed my cast.
Macy and Stella: Aww. (they walk to each other and they hug then they stop hugging)
Macy: Okay. So let's find out what you're good at. We're gonna start with something easy. (starts doing a handstand)
Stella: Oh! (chuckles) Um...That's something easy? (Macy is still doing a handstand)
Macy: Sure! Try it!
Stella: Uh-huh.
Macy: Stella, are you trying it?
Stella: Yep.
Macy: Oh, isn't it fun?
Stella: Oo-ooh.
Macy: This is my favorite thing to do. You're gonna be so awesome. (chuckles)
Stella: Phew! That's fun.
Macy: Oh, please.
Stella: What?

Ms. Snart: (enters the classroom) Good afternoon, everyone. (starts to walk towards the front of the classroom) Let's start with silent reading-- chapters one through eleven. (Joe and the other students open the books but Joe hits politely Kevin) (Kevin gives Joe a whole roll of bubble wrap and Joe starts popping it but Abby is flipping pages from her book then she and the other students turn their head around to the back of classroom to see Joe popping bubble wrap)
Ms. Snart: Who's doing that?
Joe: (raises his hand) It's me, Ms. Snart. (chuckles) (he gets up from his desk while holding the bubble wrap and starts to leave) I'll just send myself to detention.
Ms. Snart: Actually, I was gonna send this to my grandma for for her birthday. (walks to Joe and takes the bubble wrap from him) You just save me a trip from the post office! You may skip homework for the next three days! (pats Joe's chin then walks away) (students murmuring) (Abby gasps and Ms. Snart walks back to the front of the classroom then Joe is sitting at his desk and he looks at Abby but she turns her head to the front of the classroom)
Ms. Snart: You know what, everyone? (tells the students) Joe has made me so happy. I'm gonna give a pop quiz. (students groan) (hands out pop quizzes to students) That sound is the sweet nectar that I thrive on. (Joe is feeling down) (Ms. Snart is rolling the present with bubble wrap)
Joe: (shouts) (Ms. Snart looks at the back of the classroom) Hey, Kevin, what did you get on question number three? (Abby turns around to the back of the classroom) I'd really like you to tell me the answer to that.
Ms. Snart: (walks to the back of the classroom) Eyes on your own paper! (whispers) It's "mitosis." (walks away) (Kevin writes down the answer then Abby shakes her head and rolls her eyes) (Joe is still disappointed because he is unable to get detention)

(Ms. Snart is writing the assignment on the white board) (Joe looks at Kevin then he takes out his cellphone to call Joe's number on the cellphone) (beeping) (Kevin puts his phone back in his pocket)

Joe: Oh, that's me. (picks up his backpack from the floor) (takes out a juice box) Nope. (takes out the pink balloon and the yellow balloon) Huh. No. (takes out the electric toothbrush) Hello? (chuckles) (groans) (takes out the fishbowl with fishes) How are you guys doing? (takes his cellphone out of his backpack and sets it back on the floor) Hello. You've got Joe. No. (Ms. Snart notices that he is disturbing the class again and she walks to the back of the classroom) This is a perfectly good time. I'm just hanging out at school. (chuckles)
Ms. Snart: Excuse me!
Joe: Yes, Ms Snart?
Ms. Snart: Is that the new JONAS ringtone? (Kevin is annoyed) Can you beam it to my phone?
Joe: (takes the phone away from his ear) Sure.
Abby: (sighs) (she is disgusted by the way Ms. Snart is treating Joe then she rolls her eyes and turns to the front)

(Joe and Kevin are at the atrium)

Joe: (walks on grass) It’s just like whatever I try, I just can’t get detention.
Kevin: Just give me the word, man. I can have twenty goats here by lunch.
Joe: No, thank you.

(the vice principal enters the atrium)

Joe: Hello, Vice-Principal Smetzer.
Mr. Smetzer: Don't try to charm me, mister. I'm not impressed by your rock and roll dimples. (points to a sign) Willful disobedience of school signage. (he gives Joe a detention slip) Detention! (he leaves)
Kevin: Oh, no.
Joe: Oh, yes. (he and Kevin high five each other)

(A montage of Stella trying to play tennis at the gym but she keeps failing)

Macy: (walks under the net with the notepad) Okay, that rules out anything that requires a racquet, (reads the notepad) any kind of ball, an opponent, a scoring system or movement of limbs.
Stella: There has got to be something that I can do. Ooh, what about "bow and arrows?" (drops the two racquets on the floor and takes one of the bow and arrow)
Macy: If you mean archery, that requires strength, and discipline and precision. And even if you had strength, and discipline, you'd still need precision.
Stella: How hard can this be? (trying archery but she fails again and she falls)
Macy: Well, that was very good for a beginner!
Stella: Oh, please.

(Kevin and Nick are at the bedroom)

Kevin: (tells Nick to how to hang the painting while Nick holds it) Okay, a little higher on the left. Lower on the left. Up a little bit on the left. A little down on the left. A little up on the left. Almost there. Almost there! No. Down on the left. Nick, is this my left or your left, you're looking at?
Nick: It's the same left! (Joe runs upstairs excitedly)
Joe: Yes! I got detention tomorrow! (tells Nick and Kevin) Now Abby will see I get punished like everybody else. Plus once she's in there, she'll be a captive audience. Ha! She'll have to listen to me.
Nick: Whoa whoa whoa. What do you mean tomorrow?
Kevin: You know, the day after today or the day before two days from now.
Nick: Also known as the same day, we have to record the vocals for the new record or we miss the deadline.
Joe: Oh, I forgot about that. (Kevin pats Joe on the back of the shoulder) Nick, I think a little up to the right.
Nick: Would somebody please give me something to hang this with? (sick of holding the painting then an arrow pins it and he notices that) Thanks. (Nick, Joe and Kevin sees the hole in the window that the arrow made)
Stella: How'd I do? (Macy looks at the hole and Stella asks her but Macy doesn't say a word) (Macy looks at Stella then she looks at the window again)

(Abby arrives at detention and she sits at her desk then Joe also arrives and he walks up to Abby)

Joe: Hi. I got detention for you.
Abby: Yeah, I remember. That's why all my friends are at the mall and I'm not.
Joe: (tells Abby) I meant I got myself detention because I accidentally got you detention. I just wanted a chance to explain things. All right my brothers and I are regular guys with regular dreams. Hold on a second. (lifts his backpack up to take the lyric sheet under it the he turns around to the student behind him and puts the lyric sheet on the student's desk) Can you take it from the bridge? (asks the student to play the song and the same student plays the song on the violin) You see, we come from a small town in New Jersey. (door opens) We didn't grow up with much-- just love and fresh air. (door slams) (playing different music)
Mr. Smetzer: Welcome to detention. I see you're getting to know one another... (chuckles) Which is odd because (shouts) there's no talking in detention! Luckily, I do have a solution. (moves Joe and his desk to the back of the classroom then Mr. Smetzer takes an empty desk to the front where Joe's desk was)
Joe: No-- But-- (Abby is smiling)
Mr. Smetzer: No arguing. Also no texting. No note passing. And no morse code, Gary! (shows Gary is morse coding then he picks it up and hides it in his sweater vest)
Mr. Smetzer: I want complete and utter silence in this room. Am I understood? (Mr. Smetzer walks to the front and slides an empty desk to the front where Joe's desk was) I am going to be in my office. (tells the students)
Joe: Yes sir.
Mr. Smetzer: That was a trick question. I said SILENCE! (yells at Joe's ear)
Mr. Smetzer: (he walks to the front and slides an empty desk to the front where Joe's desk was) I am going to be in my office. (tells the students) But don't try any malarkey. One peep and you'll spend the next four weekends helping the school janitors scoop squirrels out of the pool filter. (opens the door and leaves) That's right. (appears behind the teacher's desk) I'm quick and I'm quiet so don't try any malarkey. (walks to the door and leaves then quietly appears behind the map) I'm like a detention ninja. (appears at the other side of the map) I could show up anywhere. (he leaves) (taps Joe from behind)
Joe: (gasps)
Mr. Smetzer: Oh, yeah. (swiftly runs out of the classroom then Joe looks at Abby and pulls up a notepad with "hi" written on it but Abby shows Joe a notebook with the picture of her sticking her tongue out)
Joe: Okay. (he puts his notepad on his desk)

(Macy and Stella are sitting on chairs at the gym while the sports equipment that Stella tried to do)

Macy: And surprisingly, no to hopscotch. (marks off the list)
Stella: Okay. How am I supposed to bend down and pick something up while I'm standing up on one foot? I mean, what am I, a spider monkey?
Macy: That's every sport recongized by the school district.
Stella: No no no no no no. No, Macy, that can't be! If I don't pass p.e., I'm goona have to make this up in summer school. (stands up) There has to be some sport I can get credit for! Like, what about-- What about this? (cleps hands above head) Isn't this a sport?
Macy: No, that's clapping your hands over your head.
Stella: What about this?
Macy: I'm not sure what that is, but you're scaring me!
Stella: You know what I can do?
Macy: Huh? (Stella puts one hand on her head and one hand on her stomach)
Stella: I can do this! (she pats her head and stomach at the same time)
Macy: No, you can't. It's like this. (shows Stella the right way to do it)
Stella: (walks to her chair but she falls) I can't even sit.

(Joe and Abby are still at detention)

Joe: (gasps) (Nick and Kevin suddenly appear next to Joe) Where'd you guys come from?
Nick: A small town in New Jersey. (puts his guitar on a desk)
Kevin: (speaks on the microphone) What's up, troublemakers?
Students: Shh!
Joe: What are you guys doing here?
Nick: We have to record the new vocals.
Kevin: The record label needs it by the end of the day today.
Joe: If Mr. Smetzer hears me, I'm getting suspended.
Nick: That's a chance I'm willing to take. (puts his hand on Joe's shoulder)
Kevin: Me too. (he puts his hand on Joe's shoulder)
Joe: Oh, thanks a lot, guys. Fine, I'll do it, okay? Just gotta talk to Abby first. (he is about get up from his desk but Kevin and Nick sits Joe back down)
Nick: Your apologies take forever. We'll talk to her for you.
Joe: Wait. Guys-- (Nick and Kevin walk to Abby's desk) (Joe is putting his head down then he puts his head up)
Nick: (introducing himself and Kevin to Abby) Hi. Nick. Kevin. Look, Joe feels really bad about getting you in trouble. He wants to apologize.
Abby: Oh, so he sent over two spokesmodels? (looks at Joe) Wow, must be nice not to do any dirty work yourself.
Kevin: Oh, look, the chapter's about forgiveness. (he and Nick walk back to Joe)
Nick: I don't get it. Why do you wanna to go out with... her?
Joe: I don't wanna go out with her.
Mr. Smetzer: (opens the door and enters the classroom) Did I hear talking? (shuts the door) Mmm. Something's not right here. Mmm... (looks to the left then the right) Aha! (Joe is afraid that his brothers will be caught by Mr. Smetzer) (laughs) (walks to the back) Yes. (turns the poster but Joe and Abby are smiling) There we are.

Macy: Stella, I'm sorry. I feel like I let you down.
Stella:(puts her head up) No no no no. You did everything you could. You're amazing. It's not you, it's me. I'm a failure.
Macy: Stella, you are not failure. Sports just aren't your thing.
Stella: Yeah?
Macy: All right. I've gotta go. I've got volleyball practice. (stands up and takes her gym bag) And, we haven't won a game all season.
Stella: Well, it's no wonder. I mean, look at your uniforms. The shorts are bulky, the top is too tight.
Macy: I know. Every time I wear this, I sweat like a pig. I mean, I glisten like a pig.
Stella: Well, yeah, that's because that kind of fabric doesn't breathe. (stands up and walks to Macy) Not to mention the frumpy factor. I mean, if you don't look good, you're not going to play good.
Macy: I play good.
Stella: But do you look good?
Macy: Hmm. (thinks about it)

(Nick and Kevin are setting up the band equipment)

Joe: (gets out of his desk and walks to Abby's desk then kneels down but Abby still won't talk to Joe) Hey, Abby. Abby? Abby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you think I get special treatment around here because I really don't. I mean, the only person in the whole school who gives me special treatment is Ms. Snart. If it's anybody but her, I get punished like everybody else.
Ms. Snart: (opens the door and enters the classroom) Hello. (Joe gets off his knees then groans and walks to the back of the classroom) I'm filling in for Vice-Principal Smetzer who had to go home for a family emergency. His mother's bath was overflowing. (Joe is crouching down to his desk but Ms. Snart sees him) Joe! What are you doing here? (Joe sits down at his desk) (she walks to Nick and Kevin and hugs them) And the two-thirds remaining JONAS! Did you prank up some mischief, you little rascals? (Joe puts his head down on his desk)
Abby: (sighs)

(Stella is at the gym)

Macy: (enters) Stella, I have great news! I talked to my volleyball coach about the frumpy uniforms that are making us lose. And she said if you can design 12 new uniforms by game-time tomorrow, she can give you full p.e. credit.
Stella: Macy, I love you! Thank you! Thank you. (both yelp) (Macy and Stella hug)
Macy: You're welcome! So can you do it?
Stella: Just watch me. (drops the net) But first... I need some dynamic music. (rock music playing)

(A montage of Stella making uniforms is shown and Macy helps her)

Macy: Stella, this is amazing. Look how free I am-- yet, as cute as a button. (sighs) Whoever said you aren't an athlete hasn't seen you with a pair of scissors and measuring tape.
Stella: Thanks, Macy. Coming from you, that means a lot to me.
Stella and Macy: Aww. (they hug then let go)
Macy: (sighs) So one down, 11 more to go, right?
Stella: Oh, yeah. (she and Macy continue to make the uniforms)

Ms. Snart: (tells the students) Now before taking over for Mr. Smetzer, I was helping out at the varsity girls' swim team victory party. So I need someone to go pass out pizza and towels. Any volunteers?(Abby and the other students raise their hands) (Joe picks up his folder and opens it then he hides his face with it) Mm, eenie meenie miney Joe! (picks Joe then he closes his folder) Have fun!
Joe: You know what I think? I should probably stay here. (Abby turns around and looks at Joe) I mean, I walked on grass. I should think about what I've done.
Ms. Snart: Are you disobeying the direct order from a teacher?
Joe: Yes, I am. (stands up from his desk and Abby is proud of him) And I think you should give me more detention.
Abby: (turns around to the back of the classroom and talks to Joe) Wait. You really don't expect special treatment?
Joe: No. Abby, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
Abby: Cool. I'm impressed. (she smiles at Joe and he smiles then he sits back down)
Ms. Snart: Do I have another volunteer?
Abby: (raises her hand) I'll do it!
Ms. Snart: Have fun. And when the party's over, grab a gift and just go on home. (Abby stands up from her desk and walks to the back of the classroom)
Joe: Abby, but--
Abby: See ya! (Kevin opens the door for Abby and she leaves)
Kevin: That girl is just no good. (closes the door) (Nick stands up)
Nick: I know Joe doesn't want any special treatment, but we kind of have a new song to finish recording. (Joe looks at Nick) Do you mind we do it in here?
Ms. Snart: Do I mind? (Stands up) This is a detention room, young man. I can't believe you even asked me that.
Kevin: Sorry.
Ms. Snart: The acoustics are way better in the hall! You rapscallion.

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are playing a song for Ms. Snart and other students who are dancing then Mr. Smetzer shows up and shakes his head at Joe) (Joe stops singing to hold his breath when he sees Mr. Smetzer) (Mr. Smetzer walks to a crooked sign and fixes it then Joe breathes thaen Mr. Smetzer walks away from the hall) (cheering) (the students clap)


(Kevin, Joe and Nick are upstairs doing different things) (classical music playing)

Kevin: (painting a picture) Now this is how we should spend on a Saturday. No recordings, no detention. Nick, can you move a little bit to the left? (asks Nick to go little to the left) Perfect. (continues painting)
Joe: (playing checkers by himself) Yes! (stands up and walks to the other side of the checkerboard and tells Nick to watch him) Hey, Nick, keep an eye on me. I think I'm cheating.
Kevin: Voila! My masterpiece-- She is finished! (Joe stands up and Nick closes the book then runs up to Kevin)
Joe: Whoa. Very realistic, Kevin.
Kevin: Merci.
Nick: So I sat and held that book all day for this? I'm not even in it.
Kevin: Yes, you are.
Nick: (points to the painting of his finger) That's my finger! (disappointed)
Kevin: You recognized it! I'm better than I thought. (rock music playing) (Joe walks away from Kevin and Nick) (Kevin paints a little bit more)

Karaoke Surprise[edit]


(Kevin, Joe and Nick are playing Hacky Sack upstairs with each other)

Nick: Joe! (passes the ball to Joe)
Joe: Kevin! (passes the ball to Kevin) (grunts)
Kevin: (throws the ball to the celiing) Oh!(he, Joe and Nick look at the ceiling) Uh-oh! It is nice that we have high ceilings in this house. We should totally put a trampoline in the middle of our room.
Joe: That would be awesome! We could somersault into bed, or back flip into the bathroom.
Nick: Guys, do you really think that's a good idea? Think. Think hard.
Kevin: No. (he, Joe and Nick back away from each other and play Hacky Sack)
Joe: Let's do this, come on.
Kevin: Hack it over here.
Nick: Why, so you can kick it into oblivion again?
Kevin: I can't help it if my leg muscles are like crouching tigers. I had an off kick. It happens to the best of us.
Nick: And by "best" you mean "worst"?
Joe: (sighs)
Kevin: By "worst", you mean "best"? (he and Nick are staring at each other) I bet you I can hack the sack longer than you can.
Nick: You're on... Let's go... Right now.
Kevin: House rules...two feet...No arms.
Joe: Why are...we talking...so weird?
Kevin: Good point...let's stop...right now.
Nick: Are you ready now? (holds the ball) (Asian flute music playing)
Kevin: No. I have to prepare. I need to hone in on my razor-sharp reflexes.
Nick: Good luck with that.
Kevin: (gong chimes) (Joe is shocked) (Kevin catches the ball) One nano second off. I gotta work on that. (snorts) (leaves)

Joe: (runs to Kevin and Nick) Guys, guess what. Today's our anniversary.
Kevin: (he and Nick stand up) Aw. hug it out. (he and Nick are hugging Joe) Bring it in. Feels good. Aw, love it.
Joe: You guys have no idea what anniversary I'm talking about? Do you?
Kevin: Nope. (he and Nick stop hugging Joe)
Nick: Never claimed to. (he and Kevin sit back down)
Joe: Guys, it's the anniversary of when we first met Stella.
Kevin: Wow. Time flies. Feels like yesterday that wittle Stella waddled into our wives. Sowwy.
Nick: Any reason why you happen to know the exact date when we met Stella?
Kevin: Yeah, Joe. Thub-thub, thub-thub--
Joe: Guys, I remember all important dates that have to do with our friends and family.
Nick: Of course you do, yeah. When's my birthday?
Joe: Some time this year?
Nick: Lucky guess.
Joe: Guys, it doesn't matter how I remembered. The important thing about remembering is that I remembered. (Stella enters)
Stella: Knock knock. Hey.
Joe: Hey, Stella. Do you remember what today is?
Stella: Oh, yeah. It's be kind to chipmunks day.
Joe: Yeah--
Stella: I got your email, Kevin.
Kevin: Good 'cause I got an extra acorn for everybody. (gives an acorn to Nick then Nick throws it away)
Stella: Oh no no no, wait-- unless these t-shirts answer your question. (shows the gray t-shirt) It's our "15-year friend-a-versary."
Joe: Happy friend-a-versary.
Kevin and Nick: Happy friend-a-versary!
Stella: I know.
Joe: 15 years ago today, I spilled chocolate milk all over my shirt and you were the only person that didn't laugh at me.
Stella: Well, I mean, how could I laugh? Someone had to blot out your corduroy jumper with seltzer.
Kevin: Well, think about it, if you guys didn't meet, you guys wouldn't have become friends, That why you wouldn't become our stylist which means we would probably be walking on the streets looking like this.

(A montage of Kevin, Joe and Nick wearing the clothes that Stella didn't provide them with) (Joe and Stella shudder)

Stella: It was a good thing that I came along.
Joe: Yeah, I mean, we need you like the winter needs the spring.
Kevin: Or an ice cream cone needs sprinkles.
Nick: Like a pirate needs a hook for a hand, an eye-patch, and a parrot. Wow you need a lot of things to be a pirate.

(Three students are about to sit at the lunch for table but Kevin is protecting it until Joe and Nick arrive)

Kevin: They're coming, I swear. Better late than never. (Joe and Nick left the classroom and they go to the table and Nick takes his lunch bag from Kevin then he sits upright) Finally, guys. (the three students walk away)
Joe: So you guys, I was thinking we should do something special for Stella for our "friend-a-versary" like throw her a party.
Nick: Good idea.
Kevin: We need to figure out what kind of party a girl would like. You know what we need for that?
Joe: A girl. Excuse me, miss! (asks a female student)
Kevin: No, Joe, not just any girl. We need Macy.
Macy: (pops up) You "Macy'd"?
Joe: How did you do that?
Macy: I wasn't following you around trying to listen to your conversation if that's what you're suggesting.
Nick: Macy, we need your help. We want to throw a party for Stella.
Macy: Ooh! (sits down)
Joe: What kind of party would Stella really like?
Macy: Stella love surprises and I love surprises too. I love ice cream and-- and party games and balloon animals.
Kevin: Macy.
Macy: Oh right, Stella. Um... Stella loves karaoke.
Joe: That's right. We can throw her a surprise karaoke party. Can you come over later and help us plan it?
Macy: Are you serious?
Nick: We're serious.
Joe: Seriously.
Stella: Hey, guys. (walk over to the table)
Joe: Shh, remember, big surprise.
Kevin: Oh no, I'm not good at this.
Stella: Not good at what? (asks Kevin)
Kevin: (stammers) C--crunking. (stands up) (Nick grabs the lunch bag) (hip-hop music plays) (moans)
Nick: Kevin, let's crunk it over there, please. (stands up and takes Kevin's bag and lunch off the table then tosses the bag and the lunch to Kevin but Kevin picks up his bag and lunch)
Kevin: Oh! oh! Okay. (Nick and Kevin leave Stella, Joe and Macy)
Joe: (sighs) Phew, he almost blew it.
Stella: Almost blew what? (sits down)
Macy: Uh...
Joe: This trumpet. (shows the music instrument and holds it) (laughs)
'Macy: Right! 'Cause you're not allowed to blow it in the hallways. (chuckles)
Joe: I'll just go and put it in my locker.
'Macy: You know what? (points to the instrument) That looks heavy. I'll go help you. (leaves with Joe)

(sitar music playing) (Nick enters the front door and walks to the living room but he stops and he sees Kevin sitting on a rug holding two balls)

Nick: What are you doing?
Kevin: Getting in touch with my inner Kevin. The Kevin that will prove that your hacky sack is wacky sack.
Nick: (laughs) Well, can your inner Kevin do this? (shows a demonstration of a few tricks)
Kevin: Your skills are great, but can you do this? (inhales)
Nick: You didn't do anything.
Kevin: Not true. I beat you again... in here. (points to his mind) It was awesome. You're still crying... in here. (points to his mind again)
Tom: (enters the living room) Hey. Did I hear you guys are having a hacky sack competition?
Kevin: You are correct, father-son.
Nick: Kevin's adopted this whole kung-fu thing to try and psych me out.
Tom: Yeah, you can blame me for that. I let him watch too many kung-fu movies when he had the chicken pox. I think it altered him.
Kevin: (out of sync) If I do not beat you, my evil twin brother will, once he wakes up from his coma! (gong chimes)
Tom: Definitely the kung-fu movies. You know, that or the high fever. (leaves) (Nick shakes his head disappointed)

(Macy is upstairs decorating for the party) (Joe arrives with the speaker and sets it on the floor and takes the manual)

Macy: (gasps) The croonmaster 5000. Stella's gonna freak. She thought the 4000 was awesome. (Joe opens the manual)
Joe: Yeah, but this one's even a thousand times more awesome. (flips the pages of the manual) But you've got to be a genious to figure out how to turn this thing on.
Macy: (takes the manual from Joe) Let me see this. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. (closes the manual and throws it on the floor) (dance music playing)
Joe and Macy: Wow.
Joe: Genious in the house.
Stella: Hello! is anybody up there?
Joe: (gasps) Uh-oh! Stella's in the house.
Macy: Hide the evidence! (she lets the balloons go to the ceiling then covers the flowers) (StellaVator beeping to make the streamers go) (Joe presses a button the remote to make the balloons and the Croonmaster 5000 go up) (she takes the tablecloth off the ottomann) (Joe and Macy realize that they hide the manual then they dive to hide it under the tablecloth)
Stella: (enters the bedroom) Macy. What are you doing here... on the floor... with Joe?
Macy: I was... helping him with his math homework.
Joe: Uh... yeah.
Stella: I didn't know you were any good in math.
Joe: (he and Macy stand up) Oh, she's very mathematical. That's why they call her "Mathy Macy."
Stella: No one has ever called her "Mathy Macy." And besides, I mean, I was the one that helped you with your math homework.
Joe: Yeah, I just thought I'd give a break I know what a handful I can be.
Macy: Yeah.
Stella: Oh. Well in that case, where are all the books, the calcucators... the crying?
Joe: Well, we're doing mental math. It's like jumping jacks for the brain.
Macy: (chuckles) Yeah.
Stella: Oh. Well, I just brought these pants to go with the friend-a-versary shirts and now I'll go. Don't want to keep you two from adding your figures together. (leaves)
Joe: Bye.
Macy: Later.

(Macy and Stella are walking down the stairs)

Stella: So what are you up to later?
Macy: Huh? Oh-- uh-- sorry-- busy-- can't. (Joe tells Macy to meet him)
Stella: But I didn't even ask you anything yet.
Macy: Um-- hey Stella, have you seen Mr. Newman today? He's wearing that terrible sweater vest again, (Stella gasps) you know, with the cat's face on the front and the cat's butts' on the back. Yeah, he's right over there.
Stella: (about to take the phone from the purse) No! Where's my phone? I have to get a picture of him for my wall of shame. (turns around but Macy isn't there) Wait, where? Macy? Macy? (looks for Macy)
Stella: You can’t do homework later, cause you’re too busy...doing...homework?

(Joe is at the lockers then Macy comes)

Macy: Hey.
Joe: Hey. We need to figure out a way to keep Stella busy before the surprise party.
Macy: Right. We have to be sneaky.
Stella: (appears) Sneaky? About what? (Joe and Macy gasp)
Joe: Sneaky is the name of Macy's friend's cat. She ran away from home.
Macy: What? Oh! Right. I better put up these flyers... right after I make them. (leaves)
Stella: Hmm, so do you wanna maybe do some homework later? (Joe walks to her)
Joe: Later-- I can't. I'm going to be doing homework.
Stella: You can’t do homework later, because you’re too busy doing homework?
Joe: Yes.
Stella: Oh. Okay. Well, I won't be able to see you later because I'll be too busy not seeing you. How do you like me now? (leaves)
Macy: Do you think she's onto us? (arrives again)
Joe: Doesn't suspect a thing.
Macy: Good.
Joe: So you're still coming over later, right?
Macy: Oh of course. To do "homework." (leaves with Joe) (Stella is suspicious)

(Stella is walking to the other side of the hallway to talk to Macy at the lockers)

Stella: I know what's going on between you and Joe.
Macy: You do?
Stella: Yes, I do. All this sneaking off together.
Macy: We just wanted to surprise you.
Stella: Wait, what? Surprise me? What are you talking about?
Macy: What do you mean, what am I talking about?
Stella: You like Joe.
Macy: Of course I like Joe.
Stella: I knew it!
Macy: I know you knew it.
Stella: You knew I know it?
Macy: How could I not know you know?
Stella: Macy!
Macy: Stella! Wait, what are we talking about?
Stella: You like Joe!
Macy: Of course I like Joe! Oh! Whoa! Wait wait! Stop the bus. There is nothing going on between me and Joe. (ringtone playing) Oh. (Joe calls)
Stella: Aren't you going to answer your phone?
Macy: No. Because I love my new ringtone. Doesn't it rock? (dances to the music)
Stella: It's Joe, isn't it?
Macy: Don't be silly.
Stella:(wants Macy's phone) Let me see your phone. Let me see your phone. Let me see your phone-- (phone shatters) (stomps)
Macy: (groans) Oh! I think the battery just died. (walks away from Stella) (Stella closes Macy's locker and picks up her bag then walks away mad)

(An angry Stella walks towards Nick and Kevin) (Nick is trying to open his locker)

Stella: Okay, spill it!
Kevin: (Drop paper cup so the juice spill) You know that was my last glass of cranberry juice? You could’ve just said, oh I don’t know,--"Drink It"?
Stella: What is going on between Macy and Joe? (Kevin and Nick are acting suspicious)
Nick: (turns around) And by "Joe", you mean?
Stella: You know who I'm talking about. Macy and Joe, they've been spending a ton of time together. And they're acting all secretive and weird.
Nick: And by "weird", you mean?
Stella: I mean weird! Like mysterious, and annoying. Kind of like two of you are acting right now.
Nick and Kevin: Whatever do you mean, Stella Malone? (Nick continues to try to open his locker)
Stella: Look, if Macy and Joe want to be together, that's fine. (Nick still can't open his locker) I'm fine with that.(Nick steps away when Stella is about to remove Nick's locker door) I just don't like being only one that doesn't know about it. (Nick is shocked) Here's your door.(gives Nick the locker door) (Joe arrives and she walks to him) Joe! Joe. Joe--
Joe: Hey, wanna hang out Friday?
Stella: What?
Joe: I thought we'd hang, chill, do some homework, you and me.
Stella: Um-- well... yeah, I'm free. Yeah, that sounds really great.
Joe: Cool. Later. (Stella leaves then Kevin and Nick walk to him)
Nick: (holding his locker door) Why couldn't you have showed up before she ripped my door off? (shows Joe the locker door)
Kevin: You owe me a cranberry juice! (he leaves) (Then Nick leaves while he shakes his head)

(pop music playing) (Joe and Macy are upstairs at Stella's party)

Joe: Okay, I'll get Stella. Hang with her at school for an hour, then get back here for the big friend-a-versary surprise party.
Macy: Okay. let's synchronize our JONAS watches.
Joe: I don't have a JONAS watch... (puts his arm down and looks at Macy's watch) But according to yours, I'll be here 10 past Nick.
Macy: Okay but if you get here a quarter past to Kevin, you've blown it.
Joe: Okay. (fist bumps Macy then walks to his pole and slides down) (walks to the front door) (Stella opens the door then enters the JONAS firehouse with a bucket of popcorn and a movie)
Joe: Stella.
Stella: Hey.
Joe: (puts his hand on the wall to block Stella from entering) What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet at school.
Stella: Yeah, well, I thought it'd be more fun if we hung out here so I brought popcorn and rented a movie. (wants to enter but Joe is still blocking her from entering) Aren't you going to let me in?
Joe: Let's go get some ice cream. (holds her but she pushed him back via the movie) I know how you love ice cream.
Stella: I never eat ice cream unless a guy breaks up with me which has never happened, so I stand by my first statement. (tries to enter again but Joe prevents her)
Joe: Okay, tacos. Broken-hearted or otherwise, everybody loves a good taco. Vamanos.
Stella: What's going on in here?
Joe: Nothing.
Stella: (puts the movie on the table then lifts the couch cushions up) Where is she? (trying to find Macy)
Joe: Where is who?
Stella: Macy! (throws a cushion at Joe)
Joe: Macy? Why would Macy be here? (Macy slides down Joe's pole and he notices her) Let's dance. (dances with Stella)
Stella: Huh? What? Joe, what are you doing? (pushes Joe to the table and turns around to see Macy hanging on the pole) (gasps) I knew it.
Macy: Hey, guys. (screams)
Joe: (stands up) (stiffly) Macy? What are you doing in my house? (Stella looks at Joe with an angry look on her face)
Macy: Thanks for letting me use your pole, Joe. Bye. (climbs up the pole)
Stella: Macy! (Stella pushes Joe to the floor and runs after Macy) Get back here, Macy Misa! Look! If you want to date Joe behind my back, at least say it to my face. (tries to climb up the pole but unable to do it) These arms are made for sewing! (leaves)
Joe: Stella, wait! (runs upstairs after her)

(Nick, Kevin, Joe, Stella, Macy and the other party guests are upstairs)

All: Surprise!
Stella: Surprise?
Joe: It's our 15 year friend-a-versary.
Stella: Oh no no no. I can't believe it. So when you two are were acting and all dense and "Joe who?"
Nick: Just trying to keep a secret.
Kevin: Oh, you meant our Joe. Oh. Okay.
Joe: How about we crank up the coonmaster 5000?
Stella: (gasps) The 5000? That's supposed to be like a thousands times more awesome than the 4000.
Kevin: We know... thanks to Macy. She helped us plan this entire then with all your favorite stuff. (Nick, Kevin and Joe walk away)
Stella: Mace, um-- I think I owe you a huge apology--
Macy: No no no. You don't need to apologize for anything. I mean, I know you and Joe are-- well, you're not. I mean, you are so I would never. Because you two-- do anything to get in the way of that.
Stella: (laughs) Joe and I, we're just really great friends.
Macy: Yeah, great friends who have feelings for each other, but don't want to jeopardize their friendship so they hope that someday they will be brave enough to let their true feelings out.
Stella: Or... whatever.
Macy: Whatever, indeed.
Stella: Okay okay, I admit-- I mean, sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if Joe and I were brave enough. (P.A feedback)
Joe: (grunts) All right, everybody to get the karoke started, I'm gonna sing one of Stella's favorite songs. Happy Friend-a-versary, Stella. (cheering) (ballad playing) (Stella smiles)
Joe: (sings) You

You like driving on a Sunday You You like taking off on a Monday You (appluding, cheering) You're like a dream A dream come true In your eyes When I saw it for the first time I knew that I Was gonna love you for A long time with a love So real So right How did it play out like a movie Now Everytime its beat can move me and I can't get Get your smile off my mind 'Cause you might think that I'm a fool For falling over you And tell me why What can I do To prove that It's not so hard to do? Give love a try One more time 'Cause you know that I'm on your side Give love a try One more time One more time. (applauding, cheering) (Macy walks to Stella)

Stella: You know, I think it might be safer if Joe and I are just friends.

(Joe is mingling with other people and Stella is also mingling with other people)

Stella: Hey. (stops mingling and walks to Joe)
Joe: Hi. (walks to Stella)
Stella: Has anyone ever told that you have a really nice voice?
Joe: A few people here and there.
Stella: You know, you might even have a future as a singer someday.

(a party-goer dumps juice on Joe's shirt)

Joe: Oh! All over my friend-a-versary shirt.
Stella: Don't worry, nothing a little seltzer won't get right out.
Joe: Just like when we first met. Except you don't have pig-tails and you don't punch me that much anymore.
Stella: Do you need me to punch you more often, Joe?
Joe: Maybe a little bit.
Stella: (punches Joe) (blow thuds)
Joe: Thanks. Ow.
Stella: Well, that's what friends are for. (hugs Joe)

(Kevin and Nick are stretching before the Hacky Sack showdown and Tom holds the bucket of balls)

Joe: (filming the competition) I will be recording this historic showdown. Don't worry, if anything embarrassing happens, it will be going on the internet.
Tom: All right, as with all family competitions, we'll go in birth other. So Kevin, you're first. (Nick stands by Joe)
Kevin: Okay. Don't like weight. Don't like the color. Don't like the circumference.
Nick: Kev, would you just go already, please?
Joe: Come on!

(gong chimes) Kevin bows) (Tom pats Kevin and leaves) (Tom walks to stand behind Nick and Joe)

Kevin: Here we go. Ready? Oh, I'm out.
Nick: That's it? Three?
Kevin: What? I'm exhausted.
Nick: (sighs)
Kevin: Oh, dad.
Tom: You want to lie down? (pats Kevin) (

(Kevin, Joe and Tom are amazed at Nick's Hacky Sack skills)

Joe: (reads a page from a book while holding the video camera) "And then she says, 'I do."
Kevin: Aww.
Nick: 132 to 3. Sorry, dude, I think I just won.
Kevin: Or did you?
Nick: Yes, I did. I just won.
Kevin: Or did I let you win?
Nick: No, I won.
Kevin: Or did you?
Joe: (laughs) This is classic.
Kevin: Or is it?
Joe: I'm not on this ride anymore. (stops filming and closes the video camera then leaves with Tom)
Nick: Neither am I.
Kevin: Or, are you? Looks like the little learned his lesson. (whip cracks) Or did he? (Nick chases Kevin)

Home Not Alone[edit]


(Sandy is making breakfast for the family)

Sandy: Okay. We've got guitar-shaped pancakes for Kevin, Crunchy Cat cereal for Nick and peanut butter with eggs for Joe. (kissed Joe) Ah.
Joe: Mom, there's a little too much trees in my eggs.
Nick: And I like my dish-water a little less soapy.
Kevin: I love the underwear that came with my pancakes. It's a great source of fiber.
Sandy: Oh my-- (laughs) I am so sorry. I think I'm doing too many things at once. (walks to Frankie) It's been really hectic since the baby was born the was born.
Kevin: Baby?
Frankie: Mom, I'm eight and a half.
Kevin: Guys, I think it's time. (tells Nick and Joe)
Sandy: Time for what?
Nick: Mom, dad, you both seem a little stressed. So we got you a present-- an exclusive resort vacation.
Tom: Oh--
Joe: We were gonna wait for your anniversary, but you guys look like you could use our present right now.
Kevin: Plus, we couldn't remember when your anniversary was.
Nick: That too.
Kevin: Yeah.
Sandy: Guys, that is so sweet. But I can't possibly leave you alone. No.
Tom: Are you sure, hon? Look.
Sandy: "How many times can you enjoy a sunset balloon ride... over hand-raked prestine beaches while eating exotic delicacies"? Hmm. (takes the brochure and leaves)
Kevin: Dad, you're gonna love it.
Tom: No no no no. I couldn't possibly leave. Who would take care of all this, the band business? All right, I'm the grease that keeps the JONAS machine running smoothly.
Nick: Dad, I think we can get by without your grease for a week.
Tom: I don't know. I've never left the band business in anybody else's hands before.
Sandy: They give you massages while you float in the lagoon. Get up.
Tom: I'll send you a postcard. (Nick gives Joe and Kevin a high five then Nick is excited)

(Tom and Sandy are about to leave with Big Man)

Sandy: Bye. Oh thank you so much. (hugs Kevin)
Tom: Come here.
Sandy: Okay, boys, now remember. no monkey business.
Nick: Mom, where would we even get a monkey?
Joe: Let alone with a head for business?
Kevin: (on the phone while holding a business card) Hello, Monkey Land? (monkey squeals) (whispers) I'm gonna have to call you back. (hangs up)
Tom: All right, look, I've complied a list here to help you guys define "monkey business." Let's call this daddy's big list of don'ts. (unfolds the list and hands it to Joe but Joe is shocked) (Joe looks at the long list)
Sandy: Come on, it's time to leave all your cares and worries behind.
Tom: Well, just watch the junk food. And don't fry your eyes playing video games.
Sandy: Tom! Dolphins are waiting patiently to swim with. (exits)
Tom: Yes, dear. (leaves) (door closes)
Joe: Yea-- (Joe is about to be excited but Nick stops him)
Nick: Wait for it.
Tom: You know, don't let any strange people into the house, okay? (runs back into the house) And stay away from my pinecone collection and pretty much everything that's breakable. And leave the computer on so we can video chat while we're gone.
Big Man: (enters) Sorry, chief. Time to have fun. (Tom leaves) This man needs a vacation. Lock the doors quick. (leaves then Kevin closes the doors)
Nick: All right, now you're good. (tells Joe)
Joe: Yes! (throws the list) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on! Yeah!

(bunch of sport related items are on the floor and Stella notices it then she walks to the locker where Macy is at)

Stella: Hey, Macy. What are you doing? Besides making the hallway unsafe for others.
Macy: I have a JONAS fan club meeting in half an hour. And I have run out of "JONAS-abilia."
Stella: JONAS-what-ia?
Macy: JONAS-abilia. Something that the guys have touched or used or worn or anything. I always bring in something new for my JONAS Heads but, I am down to my Kevin sandwich crust which they have already seen three weeks ago. (holds the bag with the sandwich crust)
Stella: Well, I can get you some fresh JONAS-abilia... as long as I never have to say that word again.
Macy: But you hate all that JONAS fan stuff.
Stella: Yeah, I know, but you're a friend in need. And besides, I mean, I make their clothes, I'm part of the fabric of their lives. You get it?
Macy: Yes. Would you like a sympathy chuckle or a pity snort?
Stella: Maybe like a combo?
Macy: (feigns laughter, snorts) Could you bring a sock? I mean, they would go crazy over a sock especially if it still smelled like them.
Stella: Eww, that's gross.
Macy: Well, maybe just a shirt?
Stella: That's better.
Macy: But don't wash it.
Stella: Mmm-- we're back to gross. (leaves)

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at the living room)

Joe: Dudes, we have the whole place to ourselves, let’s do something crazy. Like, brush without flossing or floss without brushing. Better yet, run with scissors! No. Too dangerous. Run without scissors!
Nick: Talk without breathing?
Joe: Whoo-hoo! (runs around the living room back and forth) (hooting, yelling)
Kevin: Don't worry, he'll tire himself out soon enough. (he and Nick are watching Joe run back and forth)
Joe: (stops running back and forth) (sighs) Whoa. I just tired myself out. (sits down and puts his feet on the table)
Nick: Careful! That was grandma's. Dad's list specifically says "no knick-knack destruction."
Kevin: That's why we don't put our feet on the table, Joseph.
Joe: Kevin, I just did.
Kevin: I'm in charge and I'm enforcing the rules.
Nick: That's weird.
Kevin: What's weird?
Nick: Sounded like someone just said "Kevin's in charge."
Kevin: I am in charge.
Nick: There it is again.
Kevin: Well, I'm the oldest and the tallest and I have the longest sideburns.
Nick: Well, as the most responsible and least likely to measure leadership skills by facial hair, maybe I should be in charge.
Joe: Yeah, Kevin, Nick's in charge. (puts feet on the table)
Nick: Joe, take your feet off the table.
Joe: I take that back, Kevin's in charge. (puts feet on the table again)
Kevin: Joe, take your feet off the table.
Joe: You two are tearing this family apart. (leaves)

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at their bedroom but they are bored)

Kevin: Well, this is fun.
Joe: Come on, guys. We're at the prime of our lives here. (stands up) I mean, it's our job to have fun while our parents are gone. What's wrong with us?
Nick: He does have a point.
Kevin: You know what they say? All work and no play makes... something something something.
Nick: Exactly.
Joe: Yeah, sure. Guys, let's get this party started with a round of smoothies before dinner.
Kevin: That's both risky and exciting. (stands up) I'm in.
Nick: (stands up) I'd like mine with extra whipped cream.
Joe: Whoa Nick Nick Nick. Let's not get crazy here.
Nick: You're right, lost my head there for a minute. I'm sorry. (he, Joe and Kevin are going downstairs to the kitchen)

(whirring) (Joe is making three smoothies with his blenders then stops it)

Joe: One boysenberry, butternut, bacon, blueberry with a... twist. (Kevin enters) (Joe pours one smoothie into a cup and puts a bacon with it and gives it to Kevin)
Kevin: (drinks the smoothie) That is one smooth smoothie. Hmm. And cold. Ow. Ow. (touches his head) Brain freeze! (grunts) (dull thud) (he drops to the floor and Joe ignores him)
Nick: (looks at the refridgerator) Joe, the light's off. Did you unplug the refridgerator? (turns around and shows the unplugged fridge then asks Joe)
Joe: Had to so I could plug in my third blender.
Nick: Dude, mom crammed the week's worth of food in here for us. (closes the fridge then takes the cord and plugs it back on the power outlet)

(zapping) (he, Joe and Kevin look at fridge being electrocuted) (buzzes) Yeah, that's not good.

Kevin: runs to the fridge and opens it) Save the ice cream and icy treats first!
Joe: What about the vegetables?
Kevin: Let 'em die. It'll be the perfect crime. (a montage of him, Joe and Nick taking out everything from the fridge and set them on the counter)

(Macy is at a classroom with her fan club and she is carrying a clipboard)

Macy: So you've all seen Kevin's sandwich crust? Mm-hmm. Oh! How about Nick's toenail clippings? (rattles) No, because I showed you those last week. (puts the clipboard on the table) (chuckles) (sighs) Okay, so this next item might not even it's there. But, trust me it's there. All right? I give you... Joe's eyelash. (shows her fan club) Not too close! It is fragile.
Stella: (enters the classroom) Oh, pardon me for a moment.
Macy: Please enjoy some bran muffins shaped like Kevin's head. (points to the muffins then the fan club walks to the table) Where have you been? And where are my smelly socks? I am dying here.
Stella: Sorry, no socks. Instead, I bring you... genuine JONAS worn by Kevin, Nick and Joe on their most recent concert tour. (squealing, giggling) (the fan club runs to the front of the classroom)Yep, that's right. Come up here and smell 'em cause apparently, you guys are-- you're into that. Okay.
Macy: Thank you so much, Stella.
Stella: Mm, no problem. (hugs Macy) Now carry on in your weird, yet apparently harmless world. (walks to the fan club)
Macy: Oh, wait! Everybody, this is Stella Malone! She's best friends with JONAS! (fans gasping, chattering) (fan club surrounds Stella) Uh, JONAS heads! Eyes over here...
Stella: And I designed that outfit. I know.
Macy: ... On me. (the fan club ignores her but she picks up a bran muffin to take a bite then puts it the napkin)

(Kevin is on the floor with empty ice cream cartons after eating ice cream)

Kevin: I don't care how much food was gonna be wasted, I should have never eaten this last pint of triple chocolate stomach punchers. The name itself should have been a giveaway.
Joe: So I guess you don't want the last smoothie? (walks to Kevin while holding a cup of smoothie)
Kevin: (stands up) Have you gone mad? Hand it over! (takes the smoothie from Joe and drinks it)
Nick: (oven timer rings) (takes the meatloaf out of the oven) My 50 pound meatloaf is ready. (puts it on the counter) (Frankie is holding a cash

register is walking by his three brothers then the bouncer walks by while wheeling the dance club equipment on a cart) Frankie, what are you doing?

Frankie: Toy supply low, Frankie needs dough.
Joe: You're not turning our house into a dance club again, are you?
Kevin: No no no no no no. Dad said no strange in the house. As the oldest brother and the one in charge, I say no party.
Nick: Well, as the smartest brother and the one in charge, I say no party.
Joe: As the middle brother and the-- Okay, I don't have anything. (the bouncer is setting up the dance club)
Kevin: Yes.
Frankie: Too late. (the bouncer opens the door to let people enter the house by stamping on their hands for entry)
Nick: What? Whoa! (Jonas Brothers chattering)
Frankie: (tells the people) Hope you have a great time.
Nick: We didn't invite you here-- (a girl hands a boy the phone so he can take a picture of her with Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Joe: I don't even go to school with you, I don't even know you. (cash register beeping) (more people enter the house) You guys gonna have to go. (people are ignoring Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Kevin: Okay. Attention, everyone! It's so nice to have you here...
Random people:(cheering)
Kevin: But no party! Everyone has to go home.
Random people: (all booing) (a guy kicks the vase off the table but Kevin, Nick and Joe notice it falling off from the table then it broke)
Joe: Grandma's vase! Mom's gonna kill us.
Computer voice: Chat request. (Kevin, Joe and Nick go to the table)
Nick: (opens the computer) It's dad.
Kevin: Don't answer it.
Nick: If we don't answer it, he'll know something's wrong.
Joe: Answer it.
Nick: If we answer it, he'll know something's wrong.
Kevin: I got it. (beeps) Hi, I'm Kevin. No one's here to answer your video chat right now.
Tom: Kevin, is something wrong?
Kevin: (closes the computer) It's like he's a mind-reader.
Computer voice: Chat request.
Nick: (opens the computer) We can't keep him waiting any longer.
Tom: What's going on over there? It sounds like a party.
Nick: Party? No no. We're-- we're just rehearsing, see?
Joe: (shows the poster) Live to party...
Tom: Nick, do I really need to tell you how ridicious that was?
Nick: No, I'm fully aware. (camera clicks) (a girl takes a picture of her with Nick and Kevin)
Tom: Hey, who-- who was that?
Nick: Uh, Joe.
Tom: Really? How long has Joe been a blonde?
Nick: Only Joe could really answer that question.
Joe: Well, just-- (rock music playing loudly)
Nick: I think I liked it better when dad called.
Tom: You know, why is the music so loud?
Joe: (mimicking white noise)
Nick: It's a bad connection. I can't hear what you're saying.
Tom: Joe, I can see you making bad connection noises. We're on a video chat, remember? (Joe closes the computer) Nick! Nick! Nick!
Kevin: Dad?
Tom: Nick!
Kevin: He can't breathe! (tells Nick but Joe stops Kevin from opening the computer)

(the fan club is still surrounding Stella at a classroom)

Stella: You guys are gonna love this one. Okay.
Macy: Stella, we need to talk.
Stella: Yeah yeah yeah, hold on. I was just getting ready to tell everyone why Kevin's shirt pocket is right in the middle of his chest.
Macy: Because he likes to keep his lucky guitar pick in there. Everybody knows that.
Stella: Well, that's what they print in the magazines, but the real reason is... I messed up.
Girl: Oh my gosh! (all chattering, giggling)
Stella: These JONAS heads are adorable. What's up?
Macy: (gasps) What is up... is that show and tell ran an extra seven minutes. (she and Stella are looking at the clipboard) We missed snack time and I almost choke on a Kevin head and nobody even noticed. You're stealing my fan club.
Stella: Macy, don't be ridicious. This is your fan club, you're the president.
Fred (Macy and Stella turn around) All in favor of voting Stella Malone as our new fan club president, say "aye"! (all squealing, cheering) (Macy gasps) (a girl takes off Macy's picture of the bulletin board and replaces it with Stella's picture then the girl throws Macy's picture away)
Stella: Oh.
Macy: I would yell at you, but a fan club rule says no yelling at the president. Ironically, a rule written by me!

(people are still at the house having a party)

Nick: We've gotta get these kids out of here.
Joe: I've tried, but they're like rabbits-- wild rabbits who love to party.
Kevin: Isn't that a little renduant? All rabbits love to party.
Nick: I just hope dad doesn't call again.
Computer voice: Chat request. (Nick looks at Kevin and Joe)
Nick: (opens the computer again and turns it on) Answer it. (he, Joe and Kevin see their mom video chatting them)
Sandy: Hi, kids.
Nick: Hi, mom. (he, Joe and Kevin wave to her) We thought you were dad.
Sandy: If you think I'm dad, I'm definitely not wearing that bikini I packed.
Joe: Dad's been calling like every five minutes.
Sandy: Well, you know, your father. He gets worried if he's got nothing to worry about.
Man: Let's limbo!
Kevin: Well, tell him, to go get worried because there's nothing to be worried about here.
Joe: Yeah, mom, no party, no broken vase. (two girls are on the couch (laughing) No jumping on the couch! No jumping on the couch.
Sandy: Oh, I'm not worried. Ever since you were little, you guys have been trustworthy and responsible, not to mention adorable.
Kevin, Joe and Nick: Thanks, mom.
Sandy: I mean, soon you'll be moving out on your own. And I won't get to spend as much time with you, what with all the touring and-- you know what? I don't want to spend another minute away from you. I don't. (picks up the phone and calls the pilot) Captain Boulder, we're turning this jet around. We're going home... now. (hangs up the phone)
Nick: I think I liked it better when dad called.
Kevin: Yeah.

(Stella is telling a story to the fan club at the classroom)

Stella: And eventually, Joe got his ice cream. (Macy walks by to take her two clipboards and puts them in her bag then Stella stands up) But you know tells the story better? Macy. Macy, tell them-- tell them the story.
Macy: You just told them the story.
Stella: Okay. Oh. We'll tell about the crazy night in Toledo when Kevin got that huge hole in his pants. This one's so funny.
Macy: (flatly) One night in Toledo, Kevin ripped a hole in his pants. Stella fixed them. Wow. She's a genious. (walks away from Stella and the fan club)
Stella: Macy! What did you say, Macy? Did you just say you can take the fan club on an exclusive tour of the JONAS firehouse? (all gasping)
Macy: You just said that.
Stella: No, you just said that.
Macy: Okay, you can control my fan club, but you cannot control my mouth, Stella Malone. (Stella stops her from leaving the classroom)
Stella: Oh! Did you hear that? Macy's taking us to meet JONAS. (all squealing)

(the people that Frankie invited are still at the house)

Nick: All right, mom are about two hours away.
Joe: There’s not enough time. There’s not enough time! There's not enough time!
Nick: Joe!
Joe: I'm sorry, Nick. But there’s not enough time.
Kevin: (beeps) There, problem solved.
Nick: You pressed pause.
Kevin: And see? The plane's not moving anymore. I think I bought us some valuable time.
Nick: Let me explain something to you. The plane still moves in the air even if it doesn't move on the screen, you ding-dong.
Kevin: Ding-dong?! (scoffs) Well, you're a knucklehead.
Nick: Knucklehead? Really, Kevin? Knucklehead?
Joe: Guys, stop before somebody else calls somebody a goofball and we all regret it. Nick closes the computer) (the fan club, Stella and Macy enter the house) (fan club screaming) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are pointing the other way then the fan club looks that way but they find that Kevin, Joe and Nick aren't at the living room) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are hiding at the kitchen)
Nick: That's it. We're dead.
Joe: What do you think mom's gonna do first, cry, scream or faint?
Kevin: Probably all three of them, but we won't be there to see because we'll be dead.
Stella: Hey, guys, awesome party. Thanks for the invite. (she and Macy are crawling to the kitchen to hide with Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Joe: We're not throwing a party. We're trying to get everyone out of the house.
Kevin: We've got to get this place cleaned up before mom and dad get home.
Nick: Which is in less than two hours.
Kevin: And before you go there, pausing the little plane on the computer doesn't help. (Nick shakes his head in agreement)
Macy: Wait, all you guys need is this place cleaned up? No problem. (stops hiding) Hey, girls! And Fred... (he waves) (points to the floor) See those potato chips on the floor? They're left over from JONAS. (the fan club are looking at the floor) (fan club screaming) (the fan club runs to the

kitchen to pick up the chips and and four members put them the plastic bags) (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella stop hiding) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are amazed at the fan club)

Kevin: Wow. They’re good.
Nick: They’re fast.
Joe: They’re a little scary.
Macy: They’re JONAS heads.
Stella: Macy, you are queen of the JONAS heads. Please please please take back the presidency. No offense. I'm just not cut out for this kind of... weird.
Macy: A few people are.
Stella: Friends again?
Macy: Always. (she and Stella rekindle their friendship then they hug) Unless you try to take over my fan club again. (Kevin, Nick and Joe are walking to the other side of the kitchen counter) Then you should probably watch your back.
Joe: (holds a plate) Hey, anybody want to scrape off real cheese crust from an actual JONAS plate? (three members of the fan club clean the plate)
Nick: Who wants to vacuum the JONAS living room? You get to keep anything you find in the bag. (whirring) (Fred vacuums)
Kevin: Okay, uh, who wants to help me scrub the bathroom? All right. (rock music playing) (the fan club members are cleaning the kitchen at a fast pace)

(Kevin enters the house after noticing that the parents are arriving)

Kevin: (rings loudly) Mom and dad alert! Places! (Kevin, Joe and Nick are putting back everything in their right place) (Tom opens the door for him and Sandy then they enter the house)
Sandy: Hey, guys, we're back! (Kevin is playing chess with Frankie, Nick is on his guitar and writing a song while Joe is painting a picture)
Tom: The place looks spotless, Joe's not a blond. And it looks like Frankie's about to beat Kevin in speed chess. (walks to Kevin and Frankie)
Frankie: Checkmate.
Tom: Game. Well, everything, looks normal to me.
Nick: Just taking care of business, dad. (puts the guitar on the couch)
Sandy: (squeals happily) I missed you guys so much. (Kevin, Nick, Joe and Frankie are walking to Sandy) (Sandy happily hugs Kevin, Joe, Nick and

Frankie)

Kevin: We missed you too.
Sandy: We would’ve been home sooner, but the plane made an unexpected stop.
Kevin: Oh really?
Nick: She doesn’t mean, “In mid-air”.
Kevin: Mm-hmm.
Sandy: (tells Tom) See, I told you there was nothing to worry about. (stops hugging then notices the vase) Hey, who moved grandma's vase? (walks to the table) You guys know how fragile this is. (Tom walk to her) (she picks up part of the vase) Grandma's vase. (she hands the top of the vase to Tom) (the bouncer walks by while holding the disco ball) (Frankie pays the bouncer money then leaves)
Tom: Did anything happen that we should know about? (Sandy is mad) (he asks Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie)
Kevin: No.
Joe: Don't think so.
Nick: Why do you ask? (four members of the fan club walks by carrying cleaning supplies and leave)
Sandy: Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to explain to us?
Kevin: No.
Joe: Don't think so.
Nick: Why do you ask?
Sandy: Aww.
Kevin: We missed you. (he, Joe and Nick walk to Tom and Sandy to give them a hug)
Tom: We missed you too. (zapping) (Kevin, Joe, Nick, Frankie, Sandy and Tom are noticing the electrocuted fridge) (buzzes)
Kevin and Nick: Joe was in charge! (Joe looks at Kevin and Nick)

(tropical music playing) (Tom and Sandy are having their vacation upstairs) (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie are being punished)

Sandy: Oh yeah.
Tom: We definitely needed this.
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Tom: And you know what? For the first time, I'm not worried about the boys at all. (Frankie holds a leaf and lets it give Sandy a breeze)
Sandy: (chuckles) (Joe walks to Sandy and Tom to give beverages to them) Oh, thank you. (takes a beverage from the tray)
Tom: (also takes a beverage from the tray) Thank you. Mm. (drinks)
Sandy: This is delicious. (drinks)
Kevin: (offers) Braid your hair, ma'am?
Sandy: No, thank you.
Tom: Oh, but you know what? A foot massage would be nice. What do you think, hon?
Sandy: Ooh... Yeah. (agrees) (Kevin, Joe, Nick and Frankie stop what they're doing and four of them kneel down then Joe and Frankie massage sunscreen on Sandy's feet while Kevin and Nick massage sunscreen on Tom's feet)
Nick: Why couldn't you just ground us like normal parents? (Kevin shakes his head) (Tom and Sandy toast each other then they drink)

Forgetting Stella’s Birthday[edit]

Tom: Give me a C!
Kevin: C!
Tom: Give me an O!
Joe: O!
Tom: Give me a-
Nick: Dad, we’ve got school. How many more letters are there gonna be?
Tom: I was going to spell "Coler." As in Robert Lincoln Coler.
Kevin: The music critic?
Tom: The most respected music critic in the business.
Joe: (sits) I hate that guy. He's so pedantic, pompous, pretentious.
Nick: It looks like someone's been reading their word-of-the-day calendar.
Tom: Yeah, well, he loved your last album.
Joe: (stands up and walks to Kevin) That Coler? He's so cool. Some would say sagacious.
Kevin Watch you mouth.
Joe: It means "shrewd." May 23rd.
Kevin I thought it was impossible to get an interview with that guy.
Tom: Yeah, it is. It is, which is why it's so unbelievably awesome I got us an interview!
Kevin No way.
Joe: Awesome.
Tom: (laughs) Let's celebrate. Five-second dance party. Go. (dance music playing) And we're dancing. Let's dance it.
Joe: Mom, dad's dancing again! (tells Sandy)
Tom: Come on, you guys. (Kevin, Nick and Joe are going downstairs) All right, we'll do more dancing later. Robert Coler.

(Stella is at the atrium writing homework assignments then Macy runs to the atrium excitedly and she and Stella smile at each other)

Macy: Okay okay, you wore me down. You can have your present now. Happy birthday.
Stella: Thank you. (takes the present) What is it? Is it chocolate. I bet it's music. Is it a scarf? Two scarves? I totally love scarves. Oh, this is my 10th birthday. (sees the picture) Joe, Nick, Kevin and me, we sat around in our pajamas playing that board game dopey doctor and we drank hot chocolate with those little mini marshmallows in it.
Macy: Aww.
Stella: Macy, is this--is this you?
Macy: I kind of added myself in. I know I didn't know you guys back then, but if I did, I'd be right there, right?
Stella: Of course.
Macy: Yay. (hugs Stella)
Stella: Oh, thank you so much. I love it.
Macy: You're welcome. (Stella puts her present back into the gift bag and stands up with Macy) So... what are the guys doing for your birthday this year.
Stella: (picks up her school bag) Oh, well, you know they haven't said anything about it yet.
Macy: Uh-huh.
Stella: I'm sure they're throwing an awesome party. So find something great to wear.
Macy: Oh, I can't wait. I'm so excited, I can't even sit. (tries to sit but can't) See? (tries to sit again) Nope, not gonna happen.
Joe: (enters the atrium) (drumroll) I have a huge surprise for you.
Stella: You do?
Joe: We are gonna remember this day forever.
Stella: We are?
Joe: At 6:00, JONAS has an interview with Robert Lincoln Coler.
Stella: He's who? (drumroll stops) I mean, that's great. He's huge.
Joe: Yeah, so we need you to come over early and help out with all the wardobe. Kevin thinks we should wear leather vests.
Stella: Yeah, that could work.
Joe: With no shirts?
Stella: I'm gonna get there early.
Joe: Perfect. I've gotta go-- science. You get there late, you have to sit in the front and Mr. Engel’s a spitter. Bye. (runs out of the atrium)
Macy: Joe forgot your birthday.
Stella: No. No, he didn't. They do this to me every year. They try to psyche me out. Obviously he's throwing me a surprise party.
Macy: How excited are you?
Stella: It's just a birthday. (tries to sit but can't) Okay, maybe a little excited. (both squeal) (Macy and Stella jump then leave the atrium)

(Joe is upstairs and he blows on his award then polish it with a rag)

Nick: (enters then asks Joe) What's this? (points to Joe's award)
Joe: Oh, nothing. Just my "Hottie of the Year" award. I've been meaning to hang this thing up for weeks. (continues to wipe his award) (he winks)
Nick: And you just decided to put it up right now before the interview?
Kevin: What are these? (asks Nick about his trophies)
Nick: (walks to the awards) Oh, these old things? Just a couple of my songwriting awards. No biggie. (Joe turns) Well, this one a biggie. (bends down and picks up his big award) (grunts) (holds the big award) I got it in first grade-- "Best Melody in an Original Alphabet Song." (doorbell rings)
Joe: That must be Stella and Macy. (Nick kisses his big award) I'll get it. (Joe slides down his pole to go downstairs then he walks to open the door)
Kevin: (sighs) Nick, I cannot believe how self-centered you guys are being.How about we show a little modesty? (unbuttons his vest and shows Nick the award as a necklace) What? I've been getting into hip-hop fashion.
Nick: And you just decided to turn your golden shredder award into a necklace?
Kevin: Word to your mother... who also happens to be my mother. (walks away from Nick) (Nick shakes his head)

Joe: opens the door) Hey, guys, come on in. (Stella and Macy enter the house) Wow. You guys look amazing.
Stella: Thank you. It's just something I threw on. You know, casual enough for hanging out but dressy enough for celebration.
Joe: Okay.
Macy: This dress cost me a fortune and I can hardly breathe, but I look really good.
Joe: Let's go upstairs.
Macy: Okay. (walks away) (Stella checks herself with her compact)
Joe: What are you doing?
Stella: I always like to look good when I go upstairs.(walks away) Stella's coming upstairs. (walks upstairs with Macy and Joe) Here she comes. I'm coming up the stairs Just coming upstairs. (runs to the bedroom excitedly) Oh, my gosh, this is such a sur...prise. (stops running)
Joe: What's such a surprise?
Stella: I mean there are no decorations or food or drinks.
Joe: No, Coler wanted to see what our life was really like at home.
Nick: Which means we need to keep it real. Oh.
Stella: So we we you're really being interviewed by Coler?
Joe: (sighs) (Kevin walks by wearing a leather vest without a shirt underneath and sunglasses) If we weren't being interviewed by Coler, would Kevin be dressed like that? Stella, can you please fix that? (leaves) (Macy sighs)

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are interviewed at their bedroom by Robert Lincoln Coler while Stella, Macy and Tom are watching)

Robert: Give me a little bit of the h-i-s-t-o-r-y. Why? Because the fans want to know.
Nick: Uh, well, you know... this place is a little over the years
Macy: Dad of JONAS, are you okay? (asks Tom)
Tom: Fine fine. (clears throat) I'm fine. It's just a good interview with Coler could take this band to whole new level, and a bad one could destroy everything I spent my entire life working towards.
Stella: They're gonna do great, and then we can go out and celebrate. You know, I bet even if they don't do great, we'll go out and celebrate. Did anyone mention anything about celebrating?
Robert: Matisse, may I please-- please some tea. (stands up) (his assistant enters with a kettle of tea) Kevin, Nick and Joe, two world tours, millions of fans-- how I mean, how does that-- how does that make you feel? (accidentally dumps his beverage on Joe's pants)
Joe: (stands up) Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Robert: Okay, fair enough. (sits back down) Where does all of your success come from?
Joe: My pants.
Robert: Don't you think you're being a little full of yourself?
Nick: No no. "My Pants" is actually the first song we ever wrote together. It wasn't that good, but it had that core JONAS sound. That's why we say, we owe all our success to "My Pants."
Robert: Moving on.(Nick takes his big award from the side of armchair and Joe notices it) Let's wrap about touring. All right? (Joe stands up and walks to his award) I'd like to get the JONAS take on life on the road. What's your favorite part?
Kevin: Oh, the fans.
Nick: Definitely the fans.
Joe: The fans.
Kevin: (Joe, Nick and Tom are worried about what Kevin will say) And also... I love the tiny shampoo bottles you get at the hotels. You know I like to be in the shower and pretend I’m a giant monster and go, “Ah! Watch out tiny shampoo! You will die!” “Ah, tell soap I love her!” “No! You have no chance! Ha ha!” (roars) (Joe and Nick are looking at Kevin then Macy, Tom and Stella are worried about the interview) (Robert Lincoln Coler laughs)
Robert: Dig it. (Tom takes out his hankie) I have tiny shampoo bottles from every hotel I've ever been in.
Nick: Me too.
Joe: Me too.
Kevin: I have conditioner as well. (Tom wipes sweat off his head)
Tom: What happened? (asks Stella and Macy) I blacked out there for a second. (he wipes his face)

(Joe is walking to the door then opens it for Robert Lincoln Coler)

Robert: Well, thank you, gentlemen. (turns around and talks to Kevin, Joe and Nick) I found you guys quite perspicacious. (shakes Kevin's hand)
Joe: (tells Nick and Kevin) That means "insightful." Or was it "to sweat like a cow?" (Robert chuckles and leaves then Joe closes the door) (Stella and Macy are downstairs)
Macy: Yay.
Nick: Great job guys.
Stella: So, I thought that went really great. What are we doing now?
Macy: Excellent question, Stella. What are we doing on this very special evening?
Kevin: I don't know about you guys. But showing my better side all day has got me exhausted. I'm going to bed. Good night, guys. (walks upstairs)
Nick: Yeah, I'm wiped. Have a good night, guys. See you soon. (walks upstairs)
Joe: Yeah, after even three hours, I'm tired of talking about myself. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. Don't forget your purse. (walks upstairs)
Stella: They- they forgot my birthday.
Macy: I can’t believe they did that. I’m gonna go yell at them.
Stella: No, I don't want you to go yell at them.
Macy: Good, 'cause, I could never yell at them. I guess I'll see you tomorrow?
Stella: Mm-hmm.
Macy: Happy birthday, dear Stella. Happy birthday to you.
Stella: Thanks. (hugs Macy)
Macy: Bye. (leaves) (door opens, closes)
Stella: Bye. (walks to the table to take her purse) (electricity crackles) (notices the black out) What? (Tom is walking the stairs with a candle) I knew it.
Tom: Oh! Hey, Stella. I didn't know you were still here. So, I blew a fuse plugging in my hot comb. (gives Stella the candle) (flashlight clicks) I'll get this fix in a jiff. (walks away and Stella turns around then Tom leaves) (door closes)
Stella: Happy... birthday to me. (blows the candle) (door opens) (thudding) Ow! Ouch! (door closes) (the power is on) (Stella opens the door and she has a jacket on her head then she removes it from her head) (leaves)

(Macy is angry while tapping her foot at school and she is waiting for Kevin then he walks by her but stops)

Kevin: (turns around) Something on your mind, Macy?
Macy: (angry) You know, if I didn’t like you guys so much I wouldn’t like you guys so much. You forgot Stella's birthday.
Kevin: That's impossible. Her birthday's after Joe's, which is before mine.
Macy: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: The 7th? Which was yesterday! (gasps) Okay, we need to find Stella and apologize immediately.
Macy: Oh, she's gonna be really mad.
Kevin: (puts his arm around Macy) Oh, you know, I think I got it covered. (he and Macy walk away)

(Stella is at atrium checking her bag then Big Man walks to her while he protects Kevin, Joe and Nick from her)

Stella: (puts her bag on her shoulder) What's-- what's going on? (Joe and Kevin aren't hiding)
Kevin: Uh, Stella?
Joe: We're really sorry.
Nick: (stops hiding) We can't believe we forgot your birthday.
Big Man: Hold up. Is that what this is about? You forgot Stella's birthday? You're on your own. (walks away annoyed) (thuds) (Nick picks up his bag)
Kevin: Please don't hurt us!
Stella: Guys, it's fine. It's okay. Look, I admit I was a little mad at you last night, but then I started thinking about it and your lives are so busy. I can understand forgetting little things.
Joe: You're not a little thing. You're Stella.
Kevin: How about we throw you a surprise party at the zoo!? Oops, uh, you know what? We’re gonna do that next year. (Nick shakes his head) I’m just gonna stop talking now.
Joe: Or we can celebrate the way we did when we were little kids-- drink hot cocoa and play board games in our pajamas.
Stella: How do you always know exactly what I want? Okay, I'm giving you guys one more chance. I know how busy you are. Sometimes you have to stop being rockstars.
Joe: Okay, pajama party it is.
Stella: Oh, and I'll take a rain check on the zoo...Unless it's the London zoo. I mean, you are rockstars. (Stella walks towards Kevin, Joe and Nick then they walk away from the atrium while Kevin and Stella put their arms on each other)

(Tom is on his cellphone then hangs it up)

Tom: Thank you very much. (stands up) (door opens) (Nick, Joe and Kevin enter the house after school) Hey, Give me a C!
Nick: "Coler." (takes off his bag and sets it down)
Tom: What? Oh, yeah. Anyway, I just talked to him.
Joe: Did he say anything about my hottie award?
Tom: No. No no, but he was so happy with the interview that he's make you guys the cover story.
Kevin: Awesome.
Nick: Awesome.
Joe: So nothing about the hottie award?
Tom: He's gonna be here in an hour.
Joe: In an hour?
Tom: Yeah.
Joe: He can't come in an hour. Stella's coming over to celebrate her birthday.
Tom: Well, you can't bail on Coler. The last band to cancel an interview with this guy was the Happy Teens.
Joe, Kevin and Nick: Who?
Tom: Exactly. All right, now I know Stella will be disappointed, but she'll understand. Do you want me to talk to her? I can be gentle but firm.
Joe: No no no, you know what? We'll talk to her. She's our friend.
Tom: Thank goodness. That girl scares me. (leaves)
Joe: Guys we can't cancel on Stella and we can't cancel on Coler. There's no way out.
Kevin: It's the Happy Teens all over again.
Nick: I have an idea. What if we do the interview with Coler upstairs and Stella's party downstairs?
Kevin: But won't that make Stella mad? You know taking time away from her birthday party for some rock star interview?
Joe: Plus, Coler wouldn't think we're taking him seriously.
Nick: No, not if they don't know about each other.
Kevin: Keep talking.
Nick: Look, we go back and forth-- upstairs, downstairs. We've got poles how hard could it be?
Kevin: Keep talking.
Nick: It's like we'll be in two places at once.
Kevin: Keep talking.
Nick: No, I'm done.
Kevin: Then stop talking.
Joe: Let's get ready.
Nick: Let's do it. (walks upstairs with Joe and Kevin)

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at their bedroom while being interviewed by Robert Lincoln Coler at night)

Robert: Today I want to delve into your personal lives a little bit, all right? I want to get into the essence of your essence. Hmm? (doorbell rings)
Joe: (stands up) Our Chinese food is here. I'll be right back. (walks away then slides down the pole and runs to the door to open it) (Macy is knocking then she and Stella enters the house with a cooler and a bag of things) Oh, Macy, Stella. Come on in. (Stella gives him the bag)
Stella: Hey. We are all dressed for the pajama party. (she and Macy are taking off their robes) Whoo! (Joe closes the door then he walks to the table to put the bag down) Where are your pajamas?
Joe: They're upstairs. I was ironing them.
Kevin: Oh oh ooh! Joe!
Joe: I think Kevin just touched the iron. I'll be right back! (runs upstairs while Macy and Stella put their robes on the chairs)
Kevin: Hot! Hot! (holding his pant leg)
Joe: arrives then asks Kevin) What did I miss? (sits down)
Kevin: Oh, just having some tea. (then sits down and Robert's assistant walks away)
Robert: (walks to the ottoman then sits) I was just asking your brothers how, with all the success and commitments. You find time, you know, for friends and school.
Joe: How about I answer that and you run downstairs?
Nick: Right.
Joe: In your pajamas.
Nick: Right.
Robert: Your pajamas? (Nick takes his pajamas and leaves)
Kevin: (switches chairs) Um, was the song that we wrote after "My Pants." "Your Pajamas."
Robert: Oh.
Joe: We like to write about what we know.
Kevin: And what we wear.

(Nick is going downstairs while putting his pajamas and Macy is setting up Dopey Doctor then Nick arrives by buttoning up his pajamas)

Nick: (walks to the table) All right, let's get this party started. (Stella carries a tray with hot chocolate)
Stella: Oh my gosh. I can't believe that you still have this dopey doctor game. (puts the tray on the table) (Nick takes a cup of hot chocolate and drinks it) I mean, with the fake stethscope and the fake casts and everything. (Nick puts his cup of hot chocolate on the table)
Nick: I feel fake sick already.
Stella: Well, it means a lot that to me you guys are doing this. I mean, with all your fame and success that you still have time for me.
Nick: Stella, you know how we feel about you. And tonight is all about Stella and only Stella. A large order of Stella with Stella on the side.
Joe: Nick!
Nick: Gotta run. (runs back upstairs while taking off his pajamas as he goes runs back to the bedroom to sit on his chair again)
Kevin: (sits next to Robert Lincoln Coler and tells him a story) And ever since then I've been a boxer brief man. I hope that answered your question.
Robert: Well, actually my question was about your favorite subject in school... um, and I was asking him.
Stella: Hey, guys, ready for Dopey Doctor?
Robert: Who is that?
Joe: That's our nutty nurse.
Kevin: I'm sure it's nothing. You know what? Let me just go che-- I'll be right back. (takes Nick's pajamas and leaves go to downstairs while wearing them as he buttons it) Hey, guys!
Stella: Hey, aren't those Nick's pajamas?
Kevin: Umm, not on Fridays.
Macy: Where are Joe and Nick?
Kevin: Doing the interview. What interview? What am I talking about?
Nick: Oh! Hot! Hot! Ah! Oh!
Kevin: Um, I should go. Oh, look-- ice! (holds the ice bucket and runs with it upstairs) (Macy and Stella notices something is up)
Nick: (tries to wipe the hot beverage off his pants while spinning around) Oh! Oh! Ah.
Kevin: Hi, guys. (offers Nick) Ice? (Nick puts his hand into the ice bucket)

(Kevin slides down Joe's pole to play the board game with Joe, Nick, Stella and Macy then a montage of the five friends playing the board game) (A montage of Kevin, Joe and Nick running back and forth is shown) (rock music playing) Empty words Empty promises Show me that I'm not cut out For the road Of the entertainer Because I'm not really that loud Too much to do And too little time Fix it now before isn't right Pick up the clock And mend the broken hand All we've got to do is just believe That time is on our side Pick up the clock And mend the broken hand All we've got to do is just believe That time is on our side That time is on our side. (music stops) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are exhausted from back and forth)

Robert: You guys say that you are living the dream. Okay, with all of your success. How do you, as my friend Beyonce likes to say, keep it real?
Nick: Well, keeping it real is the most important thing for us.
Joe: Friends and family come first.
Kevin: They always have and they always will.
Robert: Okay.
Stella: (crying) Well, you could have fooled me, but I guess you did for a little while. (Kevin, Joe and Nick see Stella then they stand up) (she is upset)
Joe: Stella.
Robert: (stands up) Isn't that your stylist, Stella Malone?
Nick: Yeah.
Robert: And didn't you tell me yesterday that she was your best friend?
Joe: Yesterday she was. (he, Nick and Kevin are walking away sadly)
Robert: (writes) Heavy. Very heavy.

(An upset Stella is at the atrium then Kevin, Joe and Nick are walking to the atrium) (she turns around to look at Kevin, Joe and Nick)

Joe: Stella, please forgive us.
Kevin: We know we messed up and we are so sorry.
Stella: Look. (puts her bag on her shoulder and stands up) I understand that you guys are busy-- I do and I can deal with that-- but trying to trick me? How could you ever think that was okay? (Joe combs his hair) This was the worst birthday of my life... two days in a row. (walks away)
Nick: We're the worst best friends ever. (he, Kevin and Joe walk away)

(Macy is walking down the stairs to find Stella)

Macy: Stella, there you are. I have the Coler interview with JONAS.
Stella: I'm really not interested. (starts to walk away)
Macy: (reads) "Friendship is a major chord in the life of JONAS. They couldn't stop talking about their stylist and best friend, Stella Malone." (Stella stops walking away)
Stella: (turns around and walks back to Macy) Okay, give me that. (takes Macy's cellphone) "Said Joe, we feel blessed to have Stella in our lives. She's my inspiration." Oh.(Joe, Nick and Kevin enter the hallway to walk to Stella and Macy) (turns around while hiding Macy's phone)
Joe: Stella, I know you probably never wanna see us again...
Nick: Which would be kinda hard, since we go to school together and you work with us...
Kevin: Unless you want to make yourself some really fantastic blindfolds.
Joe: We just want you to know that we're really really really really really sorry.
Stella: How sorry?
Macy: Really really really really really sorry.
Stella: I don't know. It seems like a pretty crummy way to treat your inspiration.
Joe: "Inspiration"? Wait a minute. You read the article.
Stella: Oh-- what? What article?
Nick: How long were you going to make us sweat?
Stella: I cleared my afternoon. (chuckles) Guys, what you said in the Coler interview was the best birthday present I could've ever asked for.
Nick: So we're good?
Stella: Yeah. Thank you. (hugs Joe, Kevin and Nick)
Macy: Oh. Guys. (also hugs Joe, Kevin and Nick) (grunts)
Kevin: Come on, five-second dance party! (dance music playing) (he dances) Who’s in it? (music stops) I’m turning into my father. (walks away)

(Stella, Macy, Kevin, Joe and Nick are playing Dopey Doctor again)

Stella: 30 seconds to save the patient, doctor.
Nick: Scalpel.
Joe: Scalpel!
Nick: This is not a scalpel. This is a cake fork.
Joe: Sorry, doctor.
Kevin: 10 seconds!
Nick: I'm going in.
Macy: I can't watch.
Joe: Get her out of here. She's not sterile.
Nick: The patient has recovered. Nice work, dopey doctor. "Move ahead three spaces."
Macy: (laughs)
Nick: (sighs)
Stella: (sighs) (sits down) I remember this game being a lot more fun.
Nick: Yeah, me too.

The Tale of the Haunted Firehouse[edit]


Kevin: Oh, hello there. I didn't see you come in. I was just reading a story. Or should I say "gory"? Would you like to hear it? Of course you would! Ha ha ha ha! So now I bring you the tale of the haunted firehouse. (Nick and Joe walk to Kevin at their bedroom)
Nick: Who are you talking to?
Kevin: No one.
Joe: Is that my jacket?
Kevin: If this was your jacket, could I do this? (rips)
Joe: You're telling Stella.
Stella: Did I just hear Joe's jacket rip?
Kevin: Ahh! (he, Nick and Joe are running to their poles to slide down) (Joe and Nick slide down but Kevin holds onto his pole before his hands are magically not on the pole) Ooh! Enjoy the show.(thumps) Ow!

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at the living room) (Kevin has the equipment that can track ghosts) (buzzing)

Joe: (walks to Kevin and asks) Dude, what's all this stuff?
Kevin: Ghost-tracking equipment so I can finally prove to you guys that we have a ghost.
Nick: Ghosts? Please tell me you kept the receipts.
Kevin: Nick, I'm trying to tell you we have a ghost. (holds the book) It's all right here in this book. (gives the book to Joe)
Joe: (reads the title) "Ghosts, ghouls, and cleanest hot-dog stands of New Jersey." (flips the pages)
Kevin: It's kept track of every paranormal event plus all the greatest schnitzel in the Garden State.
Nick: (tells Kevin) Seriously, the receipts-- (snaps his fingers) hand 'em over.
Kevin: (takes the book back from Joe) According to this, our firehouse is haunted by the ghost of William Smith, a volunteer fireman... (buzzing) (he takes the electromagnetic meter away from Joe) who died unexpectedly at the age of 103.
Nick: Kevin, ghosts don't exist. Joe, please talk some sense into him. (Joe puts on goggles and wears them)
Joe: Dude, you look sick in night vision. Kevin, where'd you get these. I'm never taking them off.
Kevin: Actually, at the ghost outlet. Check out the ghost cam. If there's a ghost in this room, this camera will detect it.
Nick: Dude, that's just a regular video camera.
Kevin: No way! It cost three times what a regular video camera costs plus it has a ghost sticker.
Joe: I can see your underwear.
Nick: Those aren't x-ray goggles. (tells Joe)
Joe: No, your pants are riding a little low, my brother. (Nick pulls his jeans up)
Kevin: Volunteer fireman William Smith, you can haunt but you can't hide. (Joe stops wearing the goggles) Look! (goes around the room then sees the glass of juice)
Joe: What?
Kevin: Five minutes ago my glass of juice was full. Who drank it? (Nick walks to the kitchen counter) A thirsty ghost perhaps?
Nick: Dude, this is my juice. (picks up his juice) That's yours over there. (points to Kevin's juice near the stove)
Kevin: Oh. (Tom and Frankie walk downstairs)
Tom: Hey, guys.
Nick: Dad, would you please tell Kevin that this firehouse isn't haunted?
Tom: What? What happened? Did you see the ghost?
Nick: What do you mean, the ghost?
Tom: Uh, Frankie, why don't you go online and get us our movie tickets?
Frankie: Sure, dad. Boo! (leaves)
Tom: (sits while telling Kevin, Joe and Nick) Okay, look, when we bought this firehouse, there was this legend of some ghost that haunted the place.
Kevin: I knew it!
Nick: Dad, why haven't you ever tell us?
Tom: Well, there's-- there's no such thing as ghosts, right? Plus I was afraid he would condemn our souls for eternity if I told on him.
Kevin: Dad, it okay to be frightened. Look at me. I'm scared speechless. But I'm still gonna prove that this place is haunted with the help of the mighty ghost cam.
Tom: Isn't that just a regular video camera?
Nick: Apparently it's got some type of ghost sticker on it.
Tom: Please tell me you kept the receipts.
Nick: He didn't.
Kevin: The guy in the van said I didn't need one.
Tom: Okay.

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are at their bedroom)

Kevin: Ghost tracker Kevin here, reporting on the dead from inside my bed. Ghost cam shows no signs of ghosts thus making my bed a ghost-free safe zone. Let's keep looking. We'll do a detailed analysis of Nick's desk and check for ghost droppings. (walks to Nick's desk)
Nick: (working at his desk) Get out of my face, please. (tells Kevin)
Kevin: All clear. (leaves Nick's desk) There must be a ghost here. (walks to Joe while he lift weights) There's no way Joe could lift all that weight by himself.
Joe: Very funny. (knock at door)
Kevin: The ghost must be downstairs knocking at the door.
Joe: What kind of lame ghost would knock? (still lifting weights)
Kevin: Maybe he was raised right... when he was alive.

(knocking continues) (Joe opens the door then Stella appears)

Stella: Hey, guys. (enters the house) Hey. Have you heard about this awesome new thing that when someone, like knocks on your door, you answer it?
Joe: Sorry. We're hunting for ghosts.
Stella: Oh, I know. Kevin called and told me all about the ghost of volunteer fireman William Smith so I decided to do a little research and you're never gonna guess what I found out.
Nick: There's no such thing as ghosts.
Stella: Au contraire. According to this book...
Kevin: That's the same book I got!
Stella: Ghost book warehouse?
Kevin: Lifetime member.
Stella: Okay. Anyway, it says that the ghost of volunteer fireman Smith will return to this firehouse on the 50th anniversary of his death, which is tonight. (Kevin drinks his beverage) (slurps)
Nick: And I suppose it told you what time he'd show up too.
Stella: Yes. 9:15ish.
Kevin: What-- what time is it now?
Nick: (checks his watch) 9:12ish. (floorboard creaks)
Stella: (screaming)
Kevin: Maybe the ghost is rocking a baby ghost.
Nick: The wind blew the rocking chair when we opened the door for Stella.
Joe: Nick, we don't have a rocking chair.
Kevin: Don't scream! You'll wake up the baby ghost. (rustling)
Stella: Who stacked those chairs?
Kevin: Go ahead.
Stella: (screaming) (Joe hides beind her)
Nick: All right, let's not do anything foolish. All right. I say we run upstairs and hide.
Kevin: Quick, grab the electromagnetic field meter. (Nick holds it)
Nick: Got it.
Stella: Wait, isn't it just like a portable G.P.S?
Nick: A G.P.S for ghosts. See, it's got the ghost sticker on.
Kevin: Oh, now you believe in the ghosts stickers?
Nick: All right, let's just find this thing and get it on video, okay? (device humming) It's tracking something.
Kevin: It's calculating a route to the ghosts. (eating popcorn)
Computerized voice: In 8 ft, head to east.
Nick: East-- it's that way. (points to the right)
Joe: I think we should go this way. (points to the left)
Computerized voice: Head to east.
Kevin: Dudes, it wants us to go east. (holds the electromagnetic field meter)
Joe: I don't think it's right.
Stella: Do you want to find your ghost or not?
Joe: Stella, was there any other information on this ghost?
Stella: (checks the book) Yeah, let me see, let me see. Okay, it says that he loves chili and plaid socks, had a dog named chili socks and that he's coming back to take over somebody's body at midnight.
Kevin: Nick, take the camera. (gives it to Nick) What do you mean, sister friend girl? Take over somebody's body at midnight? (asks Stella)
Stella: No, look, it says it right here. It says he's going to trap his victim in his locker where he will take over his body so he can once again voluntarily fight fires. Oh, and he wore a belt and suspenders. Like, that's crazy.
Kevin: Then we're okay. We're okay. There's no lockers in the firehouse. We're safe.
Nick: Well, if you see a ghost wearing a belt and suspenders, be sure to run for your life.
Computerized voice: Proceed 10 ft stright ahead.
Kevin: It's the recording booth.
Stella: Um, I don't think I wanna go in there. (wolf howling) (Kevin is hiding then he shows himself from behind the armchair)
Nick: Yeah, I don't think that was Mrs. Keck's chihuahua. (tells Kevin, Joe and Stella) Run! (he, Kevin, Joe and Stella are running to the recording studio)
Kevin: (tells Stella and Joe) Get in, get in! (Joe closes the recording studio)
Stella: (asks Kevin and Joe) Did you guys just feel that? It just got really cold in here.
Kevin: (he, Stella and Joe see the electromagnetic meter) The temperature just dropped 40 degrees in this one spot. You know what that means? The temperature just went kind of normal to paranormal!
Joe: Do you guys remember when we built this recording studio?
Kevin and Stella: Yeah.
Joe: Do you remember what we had to rip out of the recording studio? (asks Kevin and Stella)
Kevin: Yeah-- lockers!
Kevin, Stella and Joe: Lockers!
Computerized voice: You have reached your "ghostination."
Kevin: Uh, it's okay, guys. Just stay calm. If-- if we all stick together, we'll be fine. Here, give me the camera. (takes the camera from Nick)
Joe: Good idea, right, Nick? Nick? Nick? (tries to call Nick but Nick disappeared)
Stella: Nick? He's gone. (doors swing closed) (turns around behind her and tries to open the door with Joe's help but it won't open) What? No. I can't get it open.
Joe: The ghost of William Smith locked us in and then it stole Nick.
Stella: Ahh!
Kevin: Sorry, Stella, my temperature gauge is a little pointy. Get us out of here! (faux British accent) What will become of Nick? Will he find the ghost? And will I ever stop talking like this? Stay tuned! Oh, hello there. Well, it looks like our friends have found themselves in some grave danger. Will they escape from the recording boo...th? Let's "creep" watching. (laughs) (rock music playing) (Joe, Kevin and Stella are still trapped) (inaudible)
Kevin, Stella and Joe: Help! Help us! Ahh!
Joe: We have to get out of here and rescue Nick or else it's the end of the band.
Kevin: Nick's been ghostnapped and all you can think about is the band. That's a little selfish, don't you think? Wait, doesn't your friend Steve write songs?
Stella: Wait, you don't think that volunteer fireman William Smith will try to inhabit my body? Because, I'm a girl. It doesn't work that way, does it? Does it work that way?
Kevin: You can't have any of us, volunteer fireman Smith. By the powers of the living, I command you to set us free!
Joe: (walks to the door again and tries open it) Nothing.
Kevin: Pretty please. (door unlocks)
Joe: (opens the door) I guess he was raised right.
Kevin: Quick, to the ghost-free safe zone! (he, Stella and Joe running away from the recording studio) Uhh, ahh!
Stella: (screaming)
Kevin: Isn't this scary? I can hardly watch. Ghost-tracker v-log: Nick's been ghostnapped. I don't know if the others have made it back to the safe zone. I haven't heard anything, so I must assume that they're dead. Out of respect for Joe, I won't start selling his stuff until tomorrow.
Joe: I can hear you.
Kevin: Joe's alive! Out of respect for Stella, I won't start selling her stuff until tom--
Stella: I'm here... so is your leftover pizza. (takes out the pizza from the third bed while she peeks out) (growls) Stella screams) Ahhhh! (Joe comes out of the middle bed while wearing a mask) (Kevin is also scared)
Joe: (removes the mask) Oh, sorry, guys. I just found this awesome werewolf mask and I had to put it on.
Stella: And you felt compelled to put it on now?
Joe: I want to cut the tension. Plus my face was kind of cold.
Kevin: I told you, didn't I? I told you that the firehouse was haunted. Now Nick's gone and I'm scared. (laughing maniacally) Terribly, horribly scared.
Joe: Dude, you're freaking us out.
Kevin: I'm freaking you out? Ha! Which one of us just put a werewolf mask on?
Joe: Tension cutter.
Stella: You guys, you guys, the book says, if we don't find Nick by midnight, he's gonna be gone forever.
Joe: What?
Stella: Okay, I distinctly remember mentioning that part, so don't get all, "oh, why didn't you tell us?" on me.
Kevin: Okay, so what can we do to lure the ghost of fireman Smith out into the open? Any ideas?
Stella: I mean, what do you lure a ghost with?
Joe: Breadcrumbs.
Kevin: Those are for pigeons!
Stella: Milk and cookies?
Kevin: Those are for Santa.
Stella: Oh, the book says he loved chili and plaid socks.

Stella: (checks the cabinet) Where does your mom keep all the chili? What's this?
Joe: (checks the drawers) I don't know. What time is it? (asks Kevin)
Kevin: It's 12:02.
Joe: 12:02? Nick!
Kevin: Oh, wait, I set my watch 11 minutes fast so I wouldn't be late for school.
Joe: Kevin!
Stella: Okay, it's 11:51. We're running out of time. Where's all the chili?
Computerized voice: The chili is in the closet behind you.
Kevin: Joe, come here. Take the camera. (gives it to Joe)
Joe: Okay. (holds the camera) You go check the closet.
Kevin: Okay. (walks to the closet and opens it and takes the chili from the skeleton with firefighter hat) Ha, thank you. (closes the door) Oh, that-- that-- that was... (gasping) (Stella comforts Kevin)
Stella: (opens the closet and sees the skeleton with firefighter hat then closes the door) (screams)
Kevin: That's what I'm trying to say.
Joe: What is it? (asks Kevin)
Kevin: We have a skeleton in our closet!
Joe: Well, all families have things that they'd rather keep private.
Kevin: No. (he and Stella move out of the way so Joe can open the closet)
Joe: It's the volunteer skeleton of fireman Smith! (Stella and Kevin scream) (then Stella and Kevin try to run upstairs) (roaring) (Stella and Kevin stop running)
Kevin: (does a spit take) Wait wait wait.
Stella: What? What?
Kevin: Mom said no running on the stairs.
Joe: You're worried about that now?
Kevin: Who are you more afraid of? The ghost or mom?
Stella: It's a good point. (walks downstairs with Kevin)
Kevin: Yeah. Run! Shut the door behind you! Ahh! Open it! (Stella tries to open to the door)
Stella: We can't get out!
Kevin: Oh, no!
Stella: We can't get out.
Kevin: Oh! Oh! (he and Stella start to sit on the floor)
Joe: What do you think that giant shadow was?
Kevin: It's a ghost monster. That wasn't from research. I just think that was from my gut instinct.
Stella: Well, do you think he can get us in here?
Kevin: I don't know. I think we might have to live in here forever. I choose that corner.
Stella: Whoa, I'm not living in here. Joe's deodorant is already wearing off.
Joe: It was designed to keep me as fresh as a tropical lagoon while being chased by girls, not by ghosts.
Stella: Okay. Well, one of us has to go out there and see if the coast is clear. Not it!
Joe: Not it!
Kevin: Not it. I guess I'm going.
Stella: Okay. Well, wait. (stands up) First, I don't want the ghost to get your mortal body, so tie this around your waist and if you need help, just pull on it. We'll reel you back in. Good? Good?
Kevin: Are you sure we can't play another game of "not it"?
Stella: Not it.
Joe: Not it!
Kevin: There's got to be a trick to that game. Here we go.
Stella: Good luck. (pats Kevin's shoulder) (door creaks)
Kevin: I need slack. Stella.
Stella: Here you go. (gives Kevin the slack and he holds it)
Kevin: Everything seems to be-- (growling) Ahh! Oh! Reel me in! Reel me in!
Stella: That's not the signal we agreed on.
Kevin: Reel me in, Stella! What are you watching me for? The scary stuff's over there.
Stella: Oh my gosh.
Kevin: That was so scary. I don't think I was gonna make it. Aahhh!!! I was having a flashback, I’m sorry. (hides behind the armchair)
Stella: (screams)
Kevin: Run! (sees the skeleton) Whoa!
Skeleton: Yahhh!
Stella: (screams)
Kevin and Stella: (scream)
Kevin: Run run run run!
Stella: Okay, that is the fastest-moving skeleton I have ever seen in my life. (points to it)
Kevin: Let's go downstairs. Safe zone!
Joe: Okay, I made it back. Because it's too dangerous to go downstairs, I'm going to assume I'm the only survivor.
Kevin: I made it!
Joe: Good, you're alive.
Kevin: Yeah.
Joe: Okay, did the girl make it?
Stella: Yes. And I'm alive.
Joe: Did you bring the chili?
Stella: Check.
Joe: What time is it?
Kevin: (checks his watch) We're too late.
Joe: For school or Nick's soul?
Kevin: Oh, it's 5 to 12. We still have some time.
Joe: Good.
Stella: Yeah. Okay, so one of us has to lure the ghost out with chili. Not it.
Joe: Not it.
Kevin: Oh, man. I guess I'm it. (takes the chili from Stella) (rolls the can and it stops) Volunteer fireman William Smith, if you're here, give us a sign. (blenders whirring) Ahh! He's making spooky smoothies!
Stella: It's 2 minutes to midnight. Somebody has to has him where Nick is. Not it.
Joe: Not it.
Kevin: Oh, come on. (sighs) (a "possessed" Nick appears)
Nick: (low voice) Stop. (Kevin takes a guitar)
Stella: (screams)
Nick: (low voice) Stop screaming! (Kevin holds a guitar to protect him and Stella) Now put your guitar down.
Stella: (whispering) I don't have a guitar.
Nick: (low voice) Kevin, put your guitar down. What do you want from me? Hurry up. I have body to inhabit. (Stella pushes Kevin forward but he goes to where he was)
Kevin: I, uh... I want my brother back!
Nick: (low voice) You dare make demands of a spirit without assuming the proper position of respect?
Kevin: What position?
Nick: (low voice) (Kevin does what Nick told him to do) Raise your right arm. Now extend your left hand. Lift your right foot behind you. Now this part is crucial: spin your mortal body seven times while hopping.
Kevin: (starts to spin around) You know, that voice kind of sounds like... Nick. Ahh!
Nick: (low voice) There is no more Nick. There is only volunteer fireman Smith.
Stella: (gasps) We're too late! The ghost took over Nick's body!
Kevin: (continues to spin) And now Nick is gone forever!
Nick: (low voice) That's right, Nick is mine now. And I will... (snorts) (back to his normal voice) I'm sorry, I can't help but laugh.
Kevin: (still spinning around) Nick, is that you? (Joe puts the video camera down) (about to be nauseous) And will somebody please give me a bucket? Ho ho ha ha ha ha! Ha! Mmm.
Nick: Of course, it's me. And would you stop doing that?
Kevin: Oh! (stops spinning) Oh. (grunts) Oh.
Nick: I'm over here. We got so tired of hearing the firehouse being haunted, we decided to teach you a lesson. There's no such thing as ghosts.
Kevin: That's exactly what a ghost would say. I know-- if I can put my hand through you, you're a ghost. (puts his hand on Nick's body)
Nick: Ow.
Kevin: I can't believe you would do this to me.
Stella: Yeah. Are you kidding? This was all some big joke? I can't believe you guys would put us all though that.
Nick: Nice try, Stella.
Joe: She was in on it too, Kevin.
Stella: I was the screamer. I was pretty good, huh? (walks over to Joe)
Kevin: I don't know what to say, except... that was awesome! I can't believe it! You did all that just to scare me? Aw, guys, thank you. That means you really care. (walks to Nick, Joe and Stella and gives them a hug)
Nick: Okay. (pats Kevin)
Joe: All right, we'll take it.

(low maniacal laugh)

Kevin: (stops hugging Nick, Joe and Stella) Ha! That's okay, guys. You can cut it out now. (turns around)
Nick: That wasn't me.
Joe: Wasn't me.
Stella: Well, I'm the terrified screamer, not the menacing laugher.
Kevin: If it wasn't you and it wasn't you and it wasn't you, and it wasn't me, then who?

(loud maniacal laughter) (Kevin walks towards Nick) (Kevin, Nick, Joe and Stella scream then the four of them run) (the video camera is left behind)(Frankie and Tom stop hiding)


Frankie: (speaks via a bullhorn) (distorted laughter) (Kevin, Nick, Joe and Stella are screaming)
Tom: You're right, Franks, this was a lot more fun than going to the movies.
Frankie: Thanks for the props, pops. (high fives Tom) (Frankie and Tom hide again)

Joe: (has a bowl of chili while sitting Kevin's chair) Welcome back, boils and ghouls. We hope our little story didn't put you into intensive "scare"! Mwoh ho ho ho ho ho! (Kevin walks to Joe)
Kevin: (tells Joe) Dude, that's my thing.
Joe: Says who?
Kevin: You don't even do the scary laugh right.
Joe: Yeah, I do. Mwoh ho ho ho ho ho!
Kevin: No, it's like this: whoa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Joe: No, Kevin, it's not. (puts the bowl of chili on the table) It's mwoh ho ho ho ho ho!
Kevin: No-- whoa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Joe and Kevin: (continue laughing)
Nick: (loud maniacal laughter)
Joe and Kevin: scream) (run away)
Nick: (enters and sits on the chair while holding the bullhorn) Those guys are so easy. We know there's no such thing as ghosts. Good night and be safe. (winks) (leaves)
Man: (loud maniacal laughter) Oh, chili. (slurping)
Kevin: No, this book has all the-- (beeping) (Joe reaches for electromagnetic field meter and puts it on his neck) Oh, I'm sorry. (buzzing) All the--if everything ever-- I can't concentrate. Oh, my gosh.
Man: Action.
Kevin: (biting his fingernails) Oh no! (takes his hand out of his mouth) I think I wet myself. (crew laughing) (laughs) I just did that reading wrong. Here's one: "what's a mummy's favorite type of music"? "Wrap!" (laughs) Ahh, I know. Oh, thank you for my tea... Frankie-stein! (laughs) He's good. or should I say bad? I'm just getting worse and worse, aren't I? (crew laughing) (laughs)
Man: Action. (Kevin is reading the book while a hand massages him and he sees it) (crew laughing) All right, that's good. (Kevin removes the hand from his shoulder)

Double Date[edit]


(Joe and Kevin are at their lockers)

Joe: What's up, dude?
Kevin: Nothing.
Joe: (closes his locker) Do you want me to start to leave so you can call me back and then me what's really going on?
Kevin: I'd like that.
Joe: Okay.
Kevin: Wait, Joe.
Joe: Yeah, Kev? Something up?
Kevin: (sighs) In five minutes I have a calculus test.
Joe: Yeah, but in 55 minutes we have shop class. There's a rumor going around that Mr. Stone's gonna tell us that how he really lost that finger.
Kevin: (laughs) Good try, but... I don't think anything's shake these five-minutes-to-calculus-test-blues. (blues harmonica playing)
Nick: Stop. I think I have something that might change your tune which is technically more honky-tonk than blues. My blues-chew cookie-- best batch I've ever made. (holds the paper bag then gives it to Kevin) Brought one for lunch. It's yours.
Kevin: (about to take the cookie from the bag) Thanks, Nick, I don't think a cookie's gonna help any. (bites the cookie) (moans) Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Mm.
Nick: Told you.
Kevin: Suddenly, I feel like I'm floating on a cookie dough cloud with my best friends the chocolate chipmunks. (gasps) I can see their tree from here. Hi! (coos) (leaves Joe and Nick)
Joe: Wow. So, Nick, you got a cookie for me?
Nick: Sorry, bro, I only brought that one. Plus Kevin looked like he could really use some cheering up.
Joe: Yeah, I could use some cheering up too.
Nick: Got a test coming up?
Joe: Nope.
Nick: Girl break up with you?
Joe: Not since preschool.
Nick: Sorry, you're out of luck. (walks away)
Joe: Well, I'm not 100% thrilled with the way my hair came out today! (a female student walks by) Just kidding, you know, just wanted a cookie. My hair is perfect.

(Kevin, Joe, Stella and Macy are walking down the stairs)

Kevin: Thanks to Nick's cookie, I totally had the most fun ever in calculus.
Stella: So, how do you think you think?
Kevin: Oh, I absolutely failed. (Macy, Stella and Joe look at him) But thanks to Nick's cookie, I could care less. (Van Dyke walks to Kevin, Joe, Stella and Macy)
Van Dyke: Hey, Stells, you busy Saturday?
Joe: Van Dyke, Stella's not gonna want to--
Stella: (Joe looks at her) I'm not busy.
Van Dyke: You are now. You and the van man are gonna hit up the new restaurant. They serve like 17 different types of meat.
Kevin: Dude, you're talking about "El Meat"? That place will wrap anything you want in bacon.
Van Dyke: Oh, give me a meaty high five! (he and Kevin high five each other)
Stella: That sounds great.(Kevin looks at Stella while smiling) (Joe also looks at Stella then he and Macy look at each other and both of them are smiling) Actually, you know, I'm gonna have to pass 'cause Joe and I have chemistry.
Macy: Well--
Stella: J-- Joe and I have to study for chemistry 'cause we have a chemistry test with chemicals.
Van Dyke: Hey, it's cool. Next time, maybe.
Stella: Yeah, sure. Maybe. Well, I have history. (groans) Bye. (walks away) (Kevin and Joe leave)
Macy: Hi. Remember me?
Van Dyke: Oh yeah, you're that girl-dude. At the inter-league baseball game, you struck me out seven times.
Macy: Actually, it was 11 times.
Van Dyke: Well, who's counting?
Macy: The officials were. Yeah, they wrote in the record book and on the trophy.
Van Dyke: Well, you were dressed like a guy.
Macy: Well, you screamed like a girl.
Van Dyke: Fair enough. (he walks upstairs)

(Nick is at the kitchen) (oven timer rings) (Nick opens the oven while wearing an oven mitt and he takes the tray from the oven)

Nick: (realizes that the cookies aren't on the tray) Where are all my blue-chews?
Kevin: (enters the dining room) Oh hey, Nick. You making me some more of your delicious cookies?
Nick: There were a dozen in this tray, (puts the oven mitt on the counter) but somebody, Kevin, ate them all.
Kevin: And you automatically blame me. How dare you, sir? On what grounds?
Nick: Let's start with your blue lip gloss. (Kevin touches his blue lips)
Kevin: Oh. Um-- (takes the oven mitt from the counter) well, how about we talk about it while you bake some more cookies? (wipes his mouth with the oven mitt)
Nick: I'm not making you any more cookies. You obviously have no self-control. (walks to the chair to take his bag)
Kevin: You have got to be kidding.
Nick: Do I look like I'm kidding. (puts his bag on his shoulder)
Kevin: Nick, you never look like you're kidding.
Nick: I don't look like I'm leaving either, but watch this. (walks away)
Joe: (happily slides down his pole) (scatting)
Kevin: You look happy. (Joe continues scatting) Did Nick give you his cookies?
Joe: Yeah, but I gave 'em to Frankie.
Kevin: You gave 'em to Frankie?! (runs to Joe) Who gives an eight-year-old cookies?
Joe: You're breathing on me again.
Kevin: Sorry.
Joe: Did you see what Stella did to Van Dyke yesterday? It was so good, dude. I hope he has an ice pack 'cause he got burned.
Kevin: Well, I hope you're grateful.
Joe: Huh?
Kevin: She totally turned down Van Dyke because of you.
Joe: What? Me? Why?
Kevin: She doesn't want you to feel bad.
Joe: What? Me? Why?
Kevin: Joe, come over here and let your big brother give you some big brotherly advice. (Joe rolls his eyes then walks to Kevin) Embrace it. Love it. Yeah. Everybody knows you and Stella have a crush on each other, except... for you and Stella.
Joe: What's your point?
Kevin: Ask her out?
Joe: You mean like outside? (bell rings)
Kevin: You know what I mean.
Joe: No no no no no. Me and Stella cannot date. I mean, it could ruin our band, the friendship. Stella knows that.
Kevin: (goes to the kitchen and puts the crumbs from the tray into his mouth) I don't know. Van Dyke invited her to El Meat. She would never turned down the tasty goodness if it wasn't for you.
Joe: You're right. The best thing is to tell Stella how I feel right now.
Kevin: So, Joe, did you profit from talking to your older and wiser brother?
Joe: Yeah, sure sure.
Kevin: Good. So did you actually see Frankie eat the cookie or do you think he might still have it? (Joe leaves) (chuckles) (rock music playing)

(Nick and Stella are eating lunch then Joe walks to the table and sits)

Joe: Hey, Stella, can we talk about you and me?
Stella: You and me, Joe? Um... sure what's up?
Joe: You should go out with Van Dyke.
Stella: How is that about you and me?
Joe: If you want to go out with Van Dyke, don't let me stop you.
Nick: Stop talking.
Stella: Oh. Okay. First-- wow. Second-- huh? And third-- huh? Again.
Joe: I mean, don't say no to Van Dyke because of me.
Nick: Stop talking.
Stella: I'm not saying no to Van Dyke because of you. And why are you suddenly all up in my personal life?
Joe: Hey, whatever you want to do in your personal is fine with me.
Nick: (clears throat) Stop talking!
Joe: You have my blessing to go out with whoever you want.
Nick: Oh, for the love of all that is Mike, stop talking.
Van Dyke: (walks to the table) Oh! Hey, Stells! Since you're not free on Saturday-- (his backpack drops on Nick's head) (Nick pushes Van Dyke's backpack away)
Stella: Actually, um-- I-- I am free on Saturday. (giggles) And if you're still free...
Van Dyke: Touchdown. How about I pick you up at 7?
Stella: I'll be ready at 6:50.
Van Dyke: Cool. I'll walk you to the planetarium.
Stella: This school doesn't have a planetarium, but okay.
Van Dyke: So what's your favorite color? (leaves with Stella)
Joe: Why didn't you stop me from talking? (asks Nick)
Nick: How's that? (stands up while he takes his folders and puts a sticky note with a frown on Joe's mouth) (Nick leaves)

(Kevin's bed is shown then he opens the curtains from the top bunk to see if anyone will notice him sneaking out of bed) (then he closes the curtain to climb out of bed) (thuds) (falls on the floor then he stands up and walks) (bumps into his guitar but stops it from making a sound then crawls around the bedroom to go to Nick) (Kevin accidently turns on the music) (music plays) (turns it off) (music stops) (going closer to Nick's bed)

Kevin: (whispering) Nick. This is your conscience speaking. Even though it sounds like your big brother Kevin, it's not. Okay, it's very important tomorrow bake lots of cookies for me-- I mean, for him. Like I said, it just sounds like Kevin. Okay, let's review. Tomorrow-- cookies, lots of them. Now go to sleep. Sleepy sleep. Go to sleep. Okay, sleep. (tells Nick) Don't forget the cookies. Cookies. (goes back to his bed)

(four trays of cookies are shown on the counter) (oven timer rings) (Nick is taking a tray of cookies from the oven then closes it)

Nick: Kevin! In the kitchen!
Kevin: (enters) Hey, Nick. What's up?
Nick: Here. Cookies. Eat.. (puts the fifth tray of cookies on the counter for Kevin to enjoy)
Kevin: Wow, what a strange turn of events. I thought you weren't making me anymore cookies.
Nick: I know, right? But I woke up this morning with this urgent need and I've been baking you cookies all day. It's like I had this little voice in my head saying "cookies-- lots of them-- for me." I mean you. (chuckles)
Kevin: Right. So you're saying all these are for me?
Nick: Oh and these. (takes a gift basket of cookies from the cabinet) Don't eat 'em all at once. (gives the basket to Kevin)
Kevin: I love you, man! (takes the basket) (moans) (puts the basket on the counter and takes two cookies from it then asks Nick) Okay, can you put one in my mouth. I only have two hands.
Nick: No. (Kevin takes a bite of one of the cookies that he is holding)
Joe: (slides down his pole) Okay, Van Dyke picked Stella up at 7:00. They go to a restaurant, they have dinner, he takes her home. But I just called her house and she's not there. How come?
Nick: Maybe because it's only 7:15.
Kevin: Joe, you just need to calm down. Let's all sit down and have a cookie, but not these cookies! These are mine!
Nick: Joe, I don't get it. You're the one who made Stella go on a date with Van Dyke.
Joe: I didn't make her go. I said, "you can go if you want to."
Nick: Then what's the problem?
Joe: I didn't want her to! Especially if she was gonna be there for 16 minutes! (checks Kevin's watch)
Kevin: Joe, come to big brother Kevin for some more brotherly advice.
Joe: I'm not going back in there. I'm just gonna call her on her cell.
Kevin: (takes Joe's phone from him) You are not calling Stella on her cell phone. (puts Joe's phone the counter)
Joe: Okay. I'll call the restaurant. (sees the phone and picks it up then dials the number)
Nick: Don't make me sticker your mouth again.
Joe: Hello-- (Nick takes the phone from Joe and throws it) (glass shatters) (cat howls) Then I'll go to El Meat. (Kevin and Nick prevent him from leaving the house)
Kevin: Whoa! We cannot let you do that. If you go, Stella will hate you forever.
Nick: Brothers don't let brothers make fools of themselves. Kevin, I'm sorry, I've let you down for so many years.
Joe: You guys are right. You know, I'm just gonna take a walk, (takes his jacket) get some fresh air.
Nick: Sounds good. (walks away)
Joe: Kevin, can I have the car keys please?
Kevin: Yeah, man, here you go. (tosses the keys to Joe) (Joe leaves with the keys)
Joe: (caught the keys) Thank you. (leaves with the keys and jacket)
Nick: Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin: Oh! I know what you're thinking. I'm sure he's just taking the car for a drive so he can find a really nice place to go on a walk. It's all good.

(Stella and Van Dyke on a date at El Meat) (flamenco guitar playing)

Stella: This is very exotic. I've never been to a restaurant where they carry the food around on swords.
Van Dyke: Only the best for the van man's arm candy. (clicks teeth) Hey, when the food comes, I'll make sure to order you extra ketchup.
Stella: Mmm, ketchup.
Van Dyke: So, hey, what do you feel like eating? Beef or pork? (shows the pig shaped menu and the cow shaped menu)
Stella: Okay, let's see. (opens the menu) (cow moos) You know, suddenly, I'm feeling like a-- like a vegetrian.
Van Dyke Well, not a problem, they have chicken. (shows the chicken shaped menu)
Joe: Hey, guys! (enters the restaurant)
Stella: Oh, please, no. (Joe waves)
Van Dyke: Hey, it's one of those singing dudes. (high fives Joe) What's up?
Joe: Mind if I join you?
Van Dyke: Put it down, buddy. (Joe sits down to join Stella and Van Dyke)
Stella: No. No. No no no no no no--
Joe: This is gonna be awesome. (unfolds the napkin)
Stella: No.
Joe: (pig snorts) Can we get a round of squirrel appetizers?
Stella: Well, Joe, how is it that you happen to come here tonight out of all places on earth.
Joe: You mean this is the new meat restaurant where all the meat called el meat where you had reservations at 7? What a coinkidink, right?
Stella: What are you doing here?
Joe: I... am on a date.
Stella: With who?
Macy: (gasping) Hey, guys! (enters the restaurant wearing a helmet) Sorry, I'm late. A big rig broke down and I had to help the guy change the flat.(takes off the helmet and puts it on the table)
Joe: (chuckles) So cute.
Stella: (chuckles) So cute. Will you excuse me for a second. I have to use the little girls' room with Macy... and Joe.
Joe: Shouldn't we order first? It says here, the goat takes about 45 minutes to prepare.
Stella: Shut it and walk.
Macy: Okay.
Joe: Girls.
Van Dyke: Girls.
Joe: Wow.
Stella: Okay, one of you start talking.
Joe: Well...
Stella: Not you.
Macy: Okay, well, I know this looks really bad, but before you say anything, Joe offered me a deal that was too good to pass up-- a "date" with Joe of JONAS. Heavy drama and exclusive real-time blogging rights for my JONAS fan club. It's a win-win-win.
Stella: Okay, you're forgiven. I really like your dress.
Macy: Thank you.
Stella: But you! Why do I feel like the only reason you're here is to butt in on my social life?
Macy: Fasten your seatbelts, JONAS-heads. This is gonna be a bumpy night! (beeps)
Joe: I don't care about your social life.
Stella: Oh. Oh, you don't care. Okay. Well then, why are you here? Could it be you're a little bit jealous?
Van Dyke: Dudes! Check it out! Free bibs! (Macy giggles)
Joe: I'm not jealous. I'm hungry. Macy, why don't we get the buffalo for two? (walks back to the table)
Macy: (phone chimes) Instant poll. 99% of JONAS heads say that he is jealous. Fred says not to fill up on the cheesy bread. Hmm. (she and Stella walk back to the table) More. More. More. More. More. More. More. What is this?
Van Dyke: Now at first I was running just to help out my tight end, but I went so fast-- (mimics whooshing noises) Yeah! I caught my own pass.
Stella: Wow, you caught your own pass?
Van Dyke: Yeah. But even Van Dyke's gotta follow the rules, so I called interference on myself and got a 15-yard penalty.
Stella: You know, it is so refreshing to talk to someone who's athletic and in touch with his body.
Joe: I'm athletic. You know, I do all my own stunts on stage.
Stella: Yeah, like-- swinging a microphone. Ooh, you daredevil.
Joe: Hi, this should just take a second. How's your meat? (drum roll) (does a cartwheel) (patrons applauding) Thank you, El Meat! Thank you. No, seriously, sit down. (patrons want autographs from Joe)
Macy: (sighs) Two cartwheels at restaurant-- first Joe, then my heart.
Joe: That is my definition of athletic.
Stella: Oh, really? Really? 'Cause that's my definition of desperate.
Joe: Oh! So is the amount of perfume your poured on for Van Jock over here.
Stella: Okay, that's it!
Joe: Be careful, most of that will go to your hips. (Macy gasps) (Van Dyke laughs)
Stella: Oh, I don't plan on eating it, I plan on feeding it to you, tambourine boy. (Macy gasps)
Macy: "Oh, no she didn't!"
Joe: Get ready to enjoy what is apparently some fried pigeon.
Macy: Guys! Please! Stop! (camera clicks) Great, 'cause otherwise, you would've come out all blurry. (laughs)
Stella: I would like to go home now, Van Dyke.
Van Dyke: Of course, Stella, I'll call my mom.

(Kevin is upstairs playing foosball by himself)

Kevin: And-- oh! Come on! Uh-unh! What you got? Yes, I block it! (grunting) And, he scores! Yes! Take that, Kevin! (hooting)
Nick: (enters and sees the empty trays and basket) Hey, Kev.
Kevin: Hey!
Nick: How you doing?
Kevin: Pretty good. I'm winning 273 to 194. (crowd cheering) And now i'm losing 194 to 273. (whimpers) (crowd booing)
Nick: Looks like you're having a great time.
Kevin: (panting) Actually, it looks that way, doesn't it? But actually, I'm having a terrible time! I can't stop. Why can't I stop? Oh look! Cardio! That'll help. Why can't I stop, Nick? Why can't I stop? Oh look, the guitar! Hey, Nick, I wrote a new slow song. You want to hear it? Okay! (plays fast rock music) What do you think? Yeah, it's a little boring in the middle. I don't know what I'm doing!
Nick: It's all those cookies that I made you. You're having a sugar rush. (Kevin gives Nick the guitar) (Nick puts the guitar down)
Kevin: It's not your fault! I have a confession to make. Last night, when you were sleeping, I hypnotized you so you would make me more of your cookies that little voice inside your head-- that was me!
Nick: I know.
Kevin: What?!
Nick: I have a confession to make. I was actually awake. I made all those cookies on purpose to try and teach you a lesson.
Kevin: And that lesson being?
Nick: That you have no self-control. And once you've learned that lesson, you can take a few in knitting because that thing is way long.
Kevin: Well, how can I make it stop?
Nick: Don't worry about that, you'll crash soon enough.
Kevin: I don't know if I will, Nick. (walks to the recliner and Nick takes the blanket off it)I think I can do this for days. It's like I'll never stop. (snoring)
Joe: (storming upstairs) I'll tell this much, I'm never speaking to that girl again. If she thinks she can tell me what to do--
Stella: Joe, get down here!
Joe: I'm coming! (slides down his pole)
Nick: (puts blanket on Kevin) Good night, cookie.
Kevin: (wakes up then goes back to sleep) Cookie!
Joe: What up?
Stella: (enters the house) Don't give me "what up" all innocent like you don't know what up. I don't know how someone can be so conceited and selfish and just-- just thoughtless.
Joe: Yeah, well, you are stuck-up, pretentious and totally gorgeous.
Stella: Gorgeous?!
Joe: What?
Stella: You said I was gorgeous.
Joe: I-- I meant adorable, so adorable, you make me sick.
Stella: Oh, I'm sorry. If I'm so sickeningly adorable, then why did you come to the restaurant tonight?
Joe: Why did you go out with Van Dyke?
Stella: Because he asked me! Isn't that how it works, Joe? A guy asks out a girl because he likes he?
Joe: What about a guy not asking a girl because he likes her, huh? Have you ever thought about that?
Stella: What?!
Joe: I didn't want to wreck everything, you and me don't have together.
Stella: That makes absolutely no sense!
Joe: Yeah? Well, sometimes, things don't make sense. (going to kiss Stella)
Stella: Okay, like-- Oh. Um, I see your point. And I shall see you tomorrow. (accidently takes the watermelon rather than her purse) This is not my purse. (she leaves the watermelon at the house and takes her purse with her then leaves) (Joe falls down)

(Kevin and Nick are closing their lockers)

Nick: Cookie? (offers Kevin)
Kevin: (screams) Get them away from me!
Nick: Good boy. (Joe and Stella walk to Kevin and Nick) You two seem to be friends again.
Joe: We never stopped being friends. (takes the guitar off)
Stella: Oh no, we just agreed to forget everything that happened last night.
Joe: Absolutely everything.
Stella: Definitely. The whole thing was ridiculous and best forgotten.
Joe: I don't even know what we're talking about.
Kevin: Sweet, so everything's back to normal?
Joe: Totally normal.
Stella: Totally normal. (school bell rings)
Joe: See you at lunch.
Stella: Great. (she kisses Joe then they take each other's belonging by mistake and they leave opposite directions but they return their belongings back to each other) (Stella and Joe murmur)
Kevin: Did we miss something?

Kevin: (panting) It's not your fault! I have a confession to make. Last night, when you were sleeping, I hypnotized you so you would make me more of your cookies that little voice inside your head-- that was me!
Nick: I know.
Kevin: What?!
Nick: I'm sorry. (Kevin laughs, groans) (crew laughing)
Man 1#: Okay, here we go.
Man 2#: Still rolling. (Kevin and Nick leave)
Nick: I'm watching you. You two seem to be friends again.
Joe: Yeah, we-- (stammers) (crew laughing) (Stella waves at the camera)
Stella: I would like to go home now, Van Dyke, please. Oh! Oh! (squealing)
Van Dyke: Of course, Stella, I'll call my mom. (mimics zapping noises) (he pretends to be shocked) (all laughing)

Cold Shoulder[edit]

Kevin: Guys! (runs towards to Nick and Joe) (bumps into Joe)
Nick: Whoa.
Joe: Hey!
Kevin: Sorry, guys. Hey, I just got a text from Anya saying that she is going to be coming to our school to be an exchange student. You know-- Anya, the president of our Scandinavian fan club Anya?
Joe: The strong blonde one?
Kevin: The really strong, the really blonde that I can't stop thinking about. (sighs) (a thought bubble of Anya appears) (pops)
Nick: Oh, that Anya.
Kevin: Yeah.
Joe: You two were really crushing on each other when we toured Scandinavia.
'Kevin Well, all the long walks, the dancing, the romantic dinners, the regular dinners-- it really was the best 2 1/2 days of my young life.
Nick: Remember how bummed you were when the tour ended? And you thought your heart never be...(pulls out pen and paper) mended? (starts to write)
Kevin: That rhymed! Wait a second, do you really care or are you just writing a new song?
Nick: I care. (continues to write)
Kevin: What are you writing?
Nick: Do you wanna go on tour again, or not?
Joe: So she's coming all the way to America to go to this school?
Kevin: And to see me. (Anya appears)
Anya: Kevin!
Kevin: Anya! (romantic music playing) (he and Anya run to each other) (Anya lifts Kevin off the floor then they dance)
Nick: Kevin had, like, three milkshakes for lunch, so… I think we should get out of here before he blows.
Joe: Yeah. (agrees then leaves with Nick)

(Kevin shows Anya the atrium)

Kevin: I really think you're going to like the atrium. It's like having the outside on the inside.
Anya: An outside inside outside-- you're right, I love it.
Kevin: (laughs) Oh good. (Nick, Joe and Stella are going to spy on Kevin and Anya)
Stella: Oh, look at Kevin. He must be freezing. I mean, his lips are turning blue.
Joe: That always happens when he likes a girl.
Nick: Or forgets to breathe.
Kevin: You know, I've really missed you, since we ended our tour in Scandinavia.
Anya: Me too. Do you know what else I've missed since Scandinavia? (takes a cd player from her bag)
Kevin: No!
Anya: Yes!
Kevin and Anya: (unison) Our song! (pop music playing) (they started dancing)
Stella: She dances just like my grandma. Well, back, when she had her own hips.
Joe: Quick, everybody look serious in a different direction.

Stella: She dances just like my grandma. Well, back when she had her own hips. (Nick stops watching Kevin and Anya dancing then turns around to see other students laughing) (Nick stands up and he walks to Joe and Stella then Nick grabs their arms)
Anya: No one would dance with me like this back at home. They think I'm different.
Kevin: You know, me too. You know, we have a winter wonderland dance coming up.
Anya: (stops dancing and turns around to notice that the other students are laughing) (stops the boombox) (the students are still laughing) I made you a present.
Kevin: Really?
Anya: Uh-huh. (takes a snow globe from her bag and gives it to Kevin)
Kevin: It's an outside on the inside.
Anya: In an outside inside outside.
Kevin: You know, I'm happy on the inside and outside. (ballad music playing)

London's nice But it's not sunny The desert's hot 'Cause there's no rain You can laugh, But it's not funny I found a place Where my heart will stay Tokyo's fast, But I'm not winded New York's cash But that's okay Italy's a priceless memory Just go walk the streets of Spain But I found that I left my heart In Scandinavia, Left my heart In Scandinavia Left my love Inside of her arms Yeah, I left my heart In Scandinavia In Scandinavia (scats) Yeah, I left my heart In Scandinavia.

Kevin: See? You know, I feel like we're really alike, except you have blonde hair and I have brown hair. (Anya picks up her bag)
Anya: And I'm wearing a dress and you're wearing pants.
Kevin: And your name's Anya and my name's Kevin. (school bell ringing) School. (opens the door for him and Anya)
Anya: Ooh.

Macy: (runs fast to tell Stella, Joe and Nick) Excuse me! Someone posted unauthorized pictures of the guys on my JONAS website. Look. Oh hang on, I’m not really sure how to use my new smart phone yet, (barking noise come from phone) oops, I think I just bought a puppy.
Nick: Ooh, I was in the middle of sneezing there.
Joe: Look at this one. I'm in the middle of a yawn. But, I still look pretty good. (Stella punched him) Ow.
Stella: There's obviously undercover paparazzi at school.
Joe: Maybe we should handle this like they do on "Crime Scene Cops." First you need some cool shades, then the cool camera angles. When we get our hands on the guys taking these photos, it won't be a pretty picture. (guitar riff plays) Hey-yyyy!
Macy: Okay, that was cool.
Joe: Shh. You'll ruin the moment. Now everyone, look serious in a different direction.
Nick: Maybe we should spend time looking cool and more time looking for the guy who did this.
Joe: (punched Nick lightly) Good thinking, detective. Maybe it's a janitor hiding a camera in his mop! I'm keeping my eye on you. (gives the broken mop back to the janitor then he walks away then Macy, Stella and Nick leave opposite directions) Hey, lunch lady, why are you walking so fast?

Tom: (enters the house with Anya's message to Kevin) Delivery for Kevin! (Nick, Joe and Kevin walk to the table) From a little lady called Anya. Ta-dah! (Tom puts Anya's message to Kevin on the table)
Kevin: "Dance will the to me you with go"!
Joe: I think she speaks in broken cookie.
Kevin: "Will you to the dance go with me"!
Nick: Close enough.
Tom: Hey, Anya's asking you to the dance. Wait-- you know what? Do you mind? This one's got "me" written all over it. (reached for a cookie and takes it) (laughs)
Kevin: I think I'm gonna bake her three cakes that spell "yes." You know, Anya's the first girl that I've met that really gets me.
Nick: Well, we've met a lot of girls. It was bound to happen.
Kevin: Sometimes it's hard being the different one. But with Anya, we're both the different one, so we're the same... in that we're different from all the others that are the same.
Tom: That's-- that's good. Good.
Kevin: You didn't get it, did you?
Tom: Oh no. No. (leaves)
Kevin: You know what else I like about her? She speaks her mind. When she's mad, she says so. Happy, says so. Hungry, says so. Tired, says so. Sad, says so. Gassy... says so. Doesn't feel like talking, she says so. (notices Joe and Nick are sleeping on the table then joins them)

(the school is having a dance for the students) (dance music playing) (the students continue to laugh at Anya)

Anya: I'm sorry, Kevin. Now everybody's laughing at us. I shouldn't have lifted you could grab that balloon.
Kevin: Oh, don't worry about it. They laugh at everything. And they're just jealous because we got the balloon. (Anya takes her thermos off the table then she takes the cap off it) (thermos hisses)
Stella: (coughing) Oh, what is that?! (covers her nose and mouth)
Kevin: Lutefisk. (other students also can't the smell of it)
Anya: (pours it into the cap for Kevin) It's a Scandinavian seafood pudding. It's like taking fish heads and mashing them with lots of guts and making it plenty gutsy.
Stella: Really?
Kevin: It's like drinking fish. (drinks the pudding)
Stella: No, don't-- oh.
Kevin: Aaaah.
Stella: (gags)
Anya: Maybe we should go dance now. (takes the cap from Kevin then puts the thermos and the cap on the table)
Kevin: Oh, okay. (gives his balloon to Stella) Here. (goes to the dance floor with Anya)
Stella: It's cool. I'll just stand here by myself, which everybody loves to do at a dance.
Macy: That's Molly Myman. She's a former member of my JONAS fanclub. I bet she's the one posting the awful, terrible, embarrassing photos of you guys.
Nick: They're not that bad.
Macy: Well, we used to argue about the website. Molly thought the word "JONAS" should be in big type. But I thought it should be in really big type.
Joe: (puts on his sunglasses) Molly Myman has the motives and the means to mess with your webpage. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy
Nick: (asks Joe) Why are you talking like that? (he and Macy walk to Joe) (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy
Joe: Talking like... what?
Stella: There are new unautorized photos on the website.
Macy: Ugh, these are taken inside your house.
Nick: Which means it's an inside job. Which would rule out Molly, the janitor and anybody else at school.
Joe: I guess home sweet home ain't so... sweet. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy (Stella takes her phone back and walks away)
Anya: Shall we?
Kevin: We shall. (the students are laughing) (groans, crashes) (the students point and laugh at Anya after she throws Kevin off the ground) That was awesome.
Anya: (laughs) I'm thirsty now. (feels humilated the other students)
Kevin: I'll go get us some punch. (leaves)
Anya: (walks to the table and sits then asks Stella) Why does everyone keep laughing at me?!
Stella: Well, I think they're laughing because in America, girls don't really... throw their boyfriends around.
Anya: Like when I just danced with him?
Stella: Yeah.
Anya: But they laughed at him a lot. Like when I-- like when I hug him off the ground or when I give him piggy back rides to class.
Stella: And then there's the food.
Anya: Now I understand. (leaves with her thermos)
Stella: Oh wait, no, Anya! (groans) Anya!
Kevin: (walks back to the table with the two beverages then asks Stella) Where is Anya going?
Stella: I don't know.
Nick: (walks to the table with Joe) Anya gave us this note for you. (puts the basket on the table) (Kevin gives the beverages to Stella then she puts them on the table)
Kevin: : "Anya I break you up with." I'm usually really good at this-- I don't know what she's trying to say here.
Stella: "I break up with you... Anya."
Kevin: I liked it better the other way. (Joe puts his hand on Kevin's shoulder to comfort him) (Stella is finding Anya) (Stella found Anya hiding under the table)
Stella: Hey, Anya.
Anya: Hello, Stella. I broke up with Kevin.
Stella: Yeah, I know and your note was delicious.
Anya: Kevin needs a wonderful American girlfriend.
Stella: You know, I bet I could totally turn you into a totally awesome totally American girlfriend.
Anya: Really?
Stella: Absolutely.
Anya: Ohhh. (giggling)
Stella: Oh, neck-- (bones cracking) neck bones.

(Nick opens the door for him and Joe then they walk into their house then Joe closes the door behind him)

Nick: We gotta find out who's been sneaking those photos of us from inside this house.
Joe: Look at him! Sitting there all innocent and dad.
Nick: How's it going, dad.
Tom: Terrific. I just cut the band a monster deal that is bigger--
Joe: Yeah yeah yeah, it's great. (he turns off the lights) (he and Nick walk to towards Tom then Joe and Nick take their beverages off the counter) (Joe wears his sunglasses while Where were you between the hours of 8:00 and 11:00 Saturday morning?
Tom: Well, at Frankie's soccer game.
Joe: Prove it. (picks up his beverage and drinks it)
Tom: I have witnesses.
Joe: Oh really? Who?
Tom: You guys.
Nick: He's right. We were there. I remember that now.
Tom: So unless you fellas are willing to charge me, I do have an appointment in thw world of normal. (walks to the light switch to turn it on) (chuckles)
Joe: Hey, dad?
Tom: Yeah?
Joe: Don't leave town. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy!
Tom: Okay. (walks away) (Nick puts his beverage on the counter)
Joe: What are you doing? (sunglasses crunch) (trash can rattles) (Nick takes Joe's glasses off then breaks it in half to throw it away but Joe has another pair) (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy! (Kevin walks into the house after Anya ended their relationship)
Nick: How's it going, man?
Kevin: Not good. I can't figure out what went wrong with me and Anya.
Joe Well, you guys are going out and then she broke up with you.
Kevin: But why? Why?! Why? Why? Everything was going so good back in Scandinavia.
Nick: Maybe you should go back to Anya's country.
Kevin: No, I'd miss you guys too much.
Joe: We'd miss you too. (Kevin fist bumps Joe and Nick)
Kevin: Wait a minute! If I could make it so being here, reminds her of home, maybe she'll remember how happy we were there.
Nick: Maybe you should study up on Scandinavia and do whatever you can to make her feel at home.
Kevin: If I bring Norway her way, maybe she won’t go away. (Joe and Nick look at each other then they clap their hands) Thanks.

Macy: I'll find you, you evil undercover paparazzi. (her cellphone beeps) Oh no, my new phone is take pictures and uploading them to my website by itself. (gasps) The evil undercover paparazzi is me!

(Stella is going to teach Anya on how to walk like an American girl at the hallway)

Stella: Okay, I am done with you, you are going to feel like the perfect girlfriend for Kevin. First lesson, I am going to teach you how to walk gracefully. Watch me. (shows a demonstration and Anya watches)
Anya: Wow, that's beautiful.
Stella: I know.
Anya: How did you get your bones to move like that?
Stella: Oh, you just pretend you don't have any.
Anya: Oh! (tries to walk gracefully but can't)
Stella: And canceling my afternoon plans.

(Kevin is blending lutefisk with a blender while Joe and Nick quiz him on Scandinavia facts)

Nick: The world's largest population of reindeer can be found in...?
Kevin: Scandinavia!
Nick: Bingo.
Joe: Yes! Okay. The reindeer crossing sign is the most popular souvenir in...?
Kevin: Scandinavia.
Nick: What region starts with "sc" and ends with "andinavia"?
Kevin: Is this a trick question?
Nick: Surprisingly... no.
Joe: Come on, Kevin, come on.
Kevin: Scandinavia?
Nick and Joe: Yes yes!
Joe: How can Anya not be impressed?
Nick: I don't know.
Kevin: Hey, Joe, come here, try this. (pours lutefisk into a cup)
Joe: Okay, fine. I'm so proud of you. (takes the cup of lutefisk from Kevin)
Kevin: Thanks, man.
Joe: Is that what I think it is? (points to the lutefisk pudding that Kevin poured into the cup)
Kevin: Yeah, lutefisk pudding.
Joe: Ewwww! (spits into the sink and Nick covers his mouth) (Joe scrubs his tongue with the brush) Why did you do that?
Kevin: I didn't really know how to make it so I just put some fish in a blender and chopped, serrated, diced.
Joe: (scrubs tongue with the brush) Why would you do that?!!
Kevin: Too many scales?

Stella: When you're on a date, it's always nice to start with a compliment. For example, I might say to you, you have a wonderful smile.
Anya: Thank you! I have six teeth too many.
Stella: What?
Anya: Uhh uhh...
Stella: Oh. Good, thanks. Now you go. Go ahead, compliment me.
Anya: Uh... huh-uh. You have very big hands for such a small girl.
Stella: Oh yeah? They found sharks with less teeth than you. I mean... I think you're really starting to get it. Let's move on. Kevin? (he turns around) Aha... um, whoa, hey. I was gonna say I had a surprise for you but I think you beat me to it.
Kevin: Have you seen Anya?
Stella: As a matter of fact... I have. I turned her into an American girlfriend for you.
Anya: Hey, Kev. What's up bro-ham?
Stella: Whoa whoa whoa. Um, we didn't rehearse that greeting. Uh, what's with the fake dog?
Anya: I'm totally allergic to real dogs, but I totally wasn't going to let that stop me from having the totally perfect American girl accessory.
Stella: What about all the stuff we worked on?
Anya: Oh, I found much better stuff in this magazine.
Kevin: Anya, what happened to you?
Anya: Oh, my name's not Anya anymore. It's Kimmy. I changed it. With a little, you know, heart over the "i." (clears throat) Why are you dressed like that?
Kevin: I wanted to make you feel at home.
Anya: Okay, like my grandpa's home.
Kevin: (titters) Anya?
Anya: Kimmy! Kimmy.
Kevin: Right, Kimmy. Um... I think I liked the old you better.
Anya: Oh, well, I'm still old me but the new me just looks fantastic in this outfit. Right, Bootsy? Yes! Bye. (leaves with her magazine and stuffed dog)
Kevin: You broke Anya. (he gives the thermos to Stella then he leaves)

(Kevin walks downstairs while Joe and Nick are sitting at the kitchen)

Nick: Poor Kev. Losing Anya must really hurt.
Joe: I feel terrible. Even this ice cream is lousy.
Kevin: That's because it's the leftover lutefisk I put in the freezer. (Joe stops eating to put the spoon back into the bowl and pulls out a lutefisk from the bowl then drop the lutefisk) (car zooms)
Nick: Kev, Stella feels really bad. She was just trying to help Anya become a good girlfriend. The whole fake-dog-diva thing is Anya's deal.
Kevin: Guys, relax, trust me. I am so happy I found out who the true Anya sooner rather than later. Can you see me with Kimmy with the heart over the "i"?
Joe: Great attitude, bro-ham.
Stella: Hey, guys, look who's staying with me for the week. (Samantha waves at Kevin, Joe and Nick) This is Samantha Saint Jean, the president of your French fan club.
Kevin: (French accent) Bonjour, Samantha. I love your fries.
Stella: Samantha is here for the international mime festival.
Kevin: No way! I love to mime! Especially over here in my invisible box. (miming in the unseen box then Samantha opens the door and enter the box then she closes it and miming with Kevin)
Nick: I am not staying here for this. (takes his jacket)
Stella: Yeah, let's go get some very visible food. (leaves with Nick)
Joe: Really? So we’re just gonna leave ‘em in there? Guys! (walks after Stella and Nick)

(Macy is walking down the stairs while she whistles nonchalantly but Joe and Nick are at the staircase)

Nick: Hey, Macy, how's it going with paparazzi case?
Macy: Oh, I found the undercover paparazzi so you guys don't think about it anymore. All done.
Joe: Good work Macy.
Macy: Case closed.
Joe: Just one more thing, Macy.
Macy: Okay.
Joe: You know, we took one of those unauthorized pictures from your website and blew it up.
Nick: It turns out our little undercover paparazzo accidently took a picture of his... or her hand. (shows a picture of the hand) Does that nail polish look familiar?
Macy: Thinky pinky pink. A lot of girls wear thinky pinky pink. I think.
Joe: Hmmm. Then we took one of the pictures and blew it up even larger. On the hand we noticed the limited-edition JONAS fan club ring.
Nick: Know anyone who wears that ring?
Macy: (squeaks) (hides her hands behind her back) No.
Joe: Interesting. Well, then we blew up the picture a little larger. (Macy sighs) And we noticed a relection in the ring. Eh heh.
Macy: Okay, it was me. But this thing is brand new. And I didn't know how use it. Please don't hate me.
Nick: Don't worry. We know you would never do anything like this on purpose.
Joe: And I guess this is what happens when-- you don't read your instruction manual. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy! (Nick takes Joe's sunglasses and drops them to the floor to smash them five times) What are you doing? Uh! Uhh!
Nick: Ahhh! (Joe sighs) I guess you could call what I just did to your glasses a real...(puts on his sunglasses) eye opener. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy! You're right. This is fun. (walks away from Macy and Joe)
Joe: You're not cool as me.
Macy: But-- yeah. Totally. (leaves)
Joe: Do you have any glasses? (walks after Macy and asks her) (guitar riff plays)
Joe:

Beauty and the Beat[edit]

(Kevin, Joe and Nick are upstairs)

Joe: (stands on his bed then he walks on the amps and jumps on his bed but one of his shoes) Check this out. (glass shatters) (cat screeches) )British siren blaring) (tires screech) (cow moos) (bagpipes playing)
Tom: What's going up here? Joe, did you just break a window with a shoe? That then hit a cat, causing a British ambulance to crash? Which then scared a cow, who sat on a fat guy playing bagpipes?
Joe: No, that was my ringtone. Hello? It's for you. (gives his cell phone to Nick)
Nick: Hello? Yeah, hold on. It's for you. (gives Joe's cell phone to Kevin)
Kevin: (takes Joe's from Nick) Hello? Yeah, oh yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Hey, dad, it's for you. (Joe looks at Kevin and Nick then looks at Tom)
Tom: Hello? Oh hey, what's going on?
Nick: Is there someone on the phone?
Tom: I don't know. You tell me, shoeless Joe. (Joe looks at his sock then Kevin and Nick look at Joe)
Joe: I'll pay for the window. (Kevin and Nick take their guitar off) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are going to their poles)
Tom: Oh, hey, Joe your phone. (toss Joe's phone to him)
Joe: (Grabs his phone, but ends up falling down the fire pole opening) (yells, thuds) Ahh!
Kevin: (Looks down the fire pole with Nick) He’s good.

(Kevin, Joe and Stella are play a board game)

Stella: (groans) Kevin, it's been 10 minutes. Will you please just go?
Joe: Just so you know, no matter how long you stare at those letters, they're not gonna change.
Kevin: Then how did my "q" just become an "o"?
Stella: Because I gave that to you.
Joe: Just go already.
Nick: (walks downstairs and asks Joe) What are you guys playing?
Joe: "Word Hole" It's that Belgian board game that we did the commercial for. (Nick takes the top of the box then he remembers the commercial that he, Joe and Kevin did) (announcer speaks German) (Kevin, Nick and Joe are speaking German) Word hole!
Nick: Cool. Can I play?
Joe: Sure.
Kevin: Too late, 'cause I have a seven letter word and I win!
Stella: Plobnrg? That's not a word.
Nick: Then when does it mean?
Kevin: Sure it is. Hi, I'm Kevin
Nick: Then when does it mean?
Kevin: "Plobnrg" means "awesome". "Like, hi, I'm Kevin. I just won the board game. I'm so plobnrg".
Tom: Guys, the band just got an exciting offer. It's totally plobnrg. How would you boys like to be the judges at the miss most amazing teen

competition?

Joe: Oh yeah. Please? Now?
Kevin: Awesome.
Joe: That'd be so cool. (Stella gives a look to Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Nick: Actually, we find those contests to be just glorified beauty pageants, right gentlemen?
Kevin: And superficial and demeaning.
Joe: And it sends a bad message to those hotties-- young women.
Tom: Yeah, and I guess I'd agree with all that junk you guys just said.
Stella: Guys, spare me. Beauty contests are the only outlet for those poor pathetic pageant girls whose sole talent is walking in a straight line

and waving. Pageants don't bother me.

Nick: All right, well, I mean, in that case...
Kevin: I'm in.
Joe: Let's do it for the hotties.
Kevin: Let's do it.
Tom: (clears throat) Good... to go.

(Kevin, Joe and Nick arrived at the beauty pagent and they see Maggie and the girls)

Nick: So those must be the girls...
Joe: Where? Oh, there. I didn't notice. Whoa.
Maggie: Oh! Hello, gentlemen. (greets Kevin, Joe and Nick) I'm pageant director Maggie Belle Seward. Welcome to the kream-o dog food superdome, home to this year's miss most amazing teen competition. Yes! (Kevin claps) (she laughs) Saturday night, this is where you will be sitting and judging. (watch

beeps) Oh, ticky-tock. It's 4:00. It's time for me to look in the mirror and give myself a pep talk. (laughs) Otherwise I start crying. Au revoir. Au revoir.

Nick: Why are we clapping?
Joe: I have no idea.
Kevin: She is great!
Joe: Wow. Look at all these girls. They're so good looking.
Nick: Joe, they got a lot more going for them than their looks, all right? They're poised, intelligent.
Joe: Look at her. She's really intelligent.
Kevin: Which one? I think they're all geniouses.
Joe: I think we should probably go introduce ourselves. I'll start.
Nick: We are the judges. We have to be impartial. In fact, we should have no communication with any of those girls whatsoever.
Kevin: I totally agree.
Nick: (sees that Joe isn't with Kevin and Nick) Where's Joe? (Kevin looks left and right but Joe isn't next to him)
Joe: As a judge, it's my duty to remain impartial, (whispers) but I'm definitely voting for you. Next! Hi. As a judge, it's my duty to remain

impartial, (whispers) but I'm definitely voting for you.

Nick: No, you're not. (he and Kevin take Joe away from the stage while Kevin shakes his head) Joe, you can't keep promising every girl you're gonna vote for her.
Joe: Fine.
Nick: Where's Kevin? (sees that Kevin isn't with Joe and Nick)
Kevin: (he is doing the same thing like Joe did earlier) As a judge, I have to be impartial, (whispers) but I'm voting for you. Shh, don't tell anybody-- those girls. (Joe and Nick take him away from the stage)

(Joe, Kevin and Nick are at their lockers) (glass shatters) (cat screeches) (British siren blaring) (tires screech) (cow moos)

Joe: That's me. (bagpipes playing) (beeps) Look, one of the contestants just sent me a picture of herself playing flute for senior citizens while

saving puppies.

Kevin: Wow.
Joe: What a generous, caring, attractive-- (Nick takes Joe's cellphone to break it in half) What are you doing? (cracks)
Kevin: Oh!
Joe: You could've just deleted the photo. (Nick gives Joe's cellphone back to him)
Stella: So how's the miss most pathetic teen competition?
Kevin: It's the most amazing teen competition. Duh.
Joe: She knows that.
Nick: It's cool. These girls actually have a lot more going for them than you think.
Stella: Oh, how sweet... and naive. They don't.
Joe: You just don't understand 'cause you're not the pagent type.
Stella: What do you mean I'm not the pagent type?
Nick: He just means that these girls are beautiful...
Kevin: And graceful...
Joe: And really talented. Not that you're not all those things.
Stella: Those girls are noting but a bunch of bubble-headed gorgeous robots. If I wanted to, I could win that pageant with half my brains tied behind my back.
Joe: Wait a minute-- half your brains hanging out battling a bunch of beautiful robots? Now that is a competition I would pay to see.
Stella: I don't need a pageant to tell me that I'm just as pretty and talented as any of those girls, not to mention feminine, demure and very very delicate. Make a hole!

(Joe and Nick are watching TV upstairs) (TV anchor speaking faintly)

Kevin: Hmm.
Joe: What are you doing?
Kevin: I'm practicing judging.
Joe: Really? Hmm.
Nick: Hmm.
Kevin: Hmm.
Stella: Gentlemen, the next miss most amazing teen... (mimics cheering) Stella Malone. (softly) Thank you. Thank you so much.
Joe: What are you doing?
Stella: I have officially entered the competition.
Joe: What?
Nick: How did you even get in? The deadline for enteries was weeks ago.
Stella: For some reason, Maggie Belle decided to allow one extra girl into the competition this year. (Maggie's razor buzzing) I'm gonna beat these bubble-headed beauty bots at their own game. (laughs) Not that I care.
Joe: Way to go. That's a good attitude.
Nick: You've got to be in it to win it.
Kevin: You should really go for it.
Stella: You guys are the best.
TV announcer: This Saturday it's the miss most amazing teen competition with special judges JONAS! Don't miss five time champion Carrie Sue North as she takes on all corners.
Carrie: For me, it's not about the competition. It's about enjoying the company of other girls who are almost as amazing as me. See you Saturday night.
TV announcer: Watch her do that Saturday night on stilts.
Joe: I don't think Stella knows what she's gotten herself into.
Nick: This is not gonna end well.
Kevin: Whoever told her to go for this a real doorknob. And yes, I know it was me.

Joe: (clenched) Look at her. She has no idea she's in way over her head. (Stella waves at Kevin, Joe and Nick) What are we gonna do?! (he, Kevin and Nick wave at Stella) (Joe gives Stella a thumbs up)
Kevin: It's easy. We're the judges. We just vote for her.
Nick: We can't vote for Stella if she's not the best, no matter how humiliating it maybe for her. We've got to talk her out of this.
Joe: Yup.
Stella: Hey, guys. Do you like my shoes? I dyed them to compliment my eyes.
Joe: Nice match. Stella, we want to talk to you about the competition. Nick.
Nick: Are you sure that you know what you're doing?
Kevin: These girls have been doing this since they were like five years old. It's like beauty pageant sharks. They swim up to their competitor, and then rip her guts out and then chew and gnaw until there's nothing left--
Nick: Kevin, we get it! We get it, Kevin.
Stella: Okay, look. If you guys are worried about me becoming shark food, don't. I know the secret of winning these things. It's the final question. All those bubbleheads are all "I personally believe that only through recyling will we ever attain world peace." I'm gonna give 'em the answer with some real meat on its bones. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to work on my evening gown.
Carrie: Well, if I were you, I'd work on getting rid of that zit on your nose. (fakes cough) Loser.
Stella: Oh, I happen to know that I'm zitless, but you should really get that piece of spinach between your teeth.
Carrie: Nice try. Yeah yeah. (beeps) Dental team, code three! (mumbling)
Nick: That was fast.
Joe: Yeah.
Kevin: Wow.
'Announcer: Live from the kream-o dog food arena, it's the 18th annual miss most amazing teen competition. Here's your host Mark DeCarlo!
Mark: Hello, everyone, I'm Mark DeCarlo. Welcome to the show. Tonight we are truly honored to have an incredible panel of celebrity judges. From the hottest band in the world--JONAS-- please welcome Joe, Nick and Kevin. (crowd cheering) All right. We got our judges. You've got me. What are we missing? The lovely ladies! Let's meet them. Shall we? (pop music playing) (cheering continues) (Stella and the other contestants walk onstage while waving) (Joe,

Nick and Kevin are clapping) (Joe smiles at a contestant but Nick stops Joe from smiling at the contestant) (Kevin makes a hand signal by telling the girls to call him but Nick also hits him) (the ladies are waving while they are going backstage but Carrie steps on Stella's dress to rip it) (rips) (Stella notices her dress is torn then she tears off the bottom) (Carrie laughs) (Stella fixes her dress and she walks away) (Carrie is mad) (applauding)

Kevin: Wow.
'Announcer: And now, twirling the baton-- Miss Alabama. (sneezes) (batons thunk) (Kevin, Joe and Nick duck for cover) (crowd murmuring) (Kevin, Nick and Joe see the batons that were thunked to the sign) (Miss Alabama is still sneezing then she walks backstage) Luggage packing-- Miss North Carolina.

(zipper zings)

Kevin: Wow. (audience cheering) (Kevin, Joe and Nick writes the score for Miss North Carolina)
Mark: Our next contestant in the talent competition is Miss Stella Malone. Stella's talent is multitexting. Tell us about it Stella.
Stella: I believe communication is the key into our future.
Joe: I hope she came up with a good talent.
Nick: She's been doing great so far.
Kevin: Please don't stink. Please don't stink. (rapid-fire clicking) (cell phones buzzing, beeping) "I'm so gonna win." "Love, Stella." Wow! (audience applauding, cheering)
Joe: Incredible. Whoo! (Nick writes Stella's score)
Mark: Coming up next, our final question. But first a word from our sponsor-- word hole: the plobnrg Belgian word game that's sweeping the nation. (announcer speaking German) (Kevin, Joe and Nick speak German) Word Hole!
Stella: (sniffs her compact) Who put graham crackers in my foundation? (girls giggling) All right, ladies. (puts the compact and the brush on the

desk) You have been messing with me all night. But you know what? That's okay, because that it means you're scared of me.

Carrie: Oh?
Stella: Now it's time for the final question and the winner is going to be someone with a brain so maybe if you all put your heads together, you could come up with one.
Carrie: Huh.
Stella: See you in the spotlight.
Carrie: Stop. Stop.
Kevin: Can you believe how good Stella's been doing?
Nick: All she has left now is the final question.
Joe: And we know she's gonna ace that.
Mark: Congratulations to our contestants for getting this far. And now it's time for the final question. So much of their score depends on how the

ladies answer their final question that it renders everything has in the show up to this point competely meaningless. Backstage we played rock-paper-scissors to determine who would flip a coin to discover which two contestants would thumb wrestle to be the first to answer the final question. Then we realized that was ridiculous and decided to just pick a name out of this glass bowl. (drum roll) (reaching into the bowl and takes a name from it) Stella Malone, come on down. (looks to his left) All right. Stella Malone, this is your final question. "In your opinion, what is the most pressing problem facing our country today?" (dramatic music playing)

Stella: (tries answer the question but can't)
Mark: Stella, we're on television.
Stella: Uh... (giggles) I personally believe that, uh... today's most pressing problem is, uh, U.S Americans unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps. (crowd murmuring) And I believe our education, such as in Africa and the Australia-- everywhere, like, such as-- and should help the Australia and the Europes. (Kevin, Joe and Nick are worried about Stella) World peace.
Mark: Okay, time for our next contestant. (people chatting) (Stella is crying backstage while Joe, Kevin, and Nick are also backstage)
Carrie: And look-- if it's not the little geography major. Like I've always said-- girls who aren't pageant types shouldn't compete in pageants. Toodles. Europes! (girls laughing) (Mark and the contestants leave)
Joe: Stella, we voted for you in our hearts.
Nick: But techically we had to use the ballots.
Kevin: So it's only officially that you're a loser.
Stella: Thank you. Gosh, I don't know what happened. I mean, I just competely blanked. I looked out in the audience and all I saw were--
Joe: Headlights?
Stella: Yeah. And I just felt like--
Nick: A deer in them.
Stella: Yeah. You guys were right. I should've known I don't belong here with these girls.
Nick: It's like you said-- the only reason these girls are so good at these competitions is because it's all they've got going for them.
Kevin: Yeah, that all the boyfriends, the fancy cars, the big houses, the magazine covers-- (Joe stops Kevin from talking) Sorry. Oh, and the movie deals.
Joe: Stella, I think you're beautiful and really funny and way cooler than any of these girls here.
Stella: Really? You-- you think I'm beautiful, Joe?
Joe: I meant we all do.
Stella: It doesn't matter. This thing's going to be all over the internet. By tomorrow morning the whole world is gonna be laughing at me. (sobbing then she leaves)
Joe: We should've tried harder to talk her out of this.
Nick: We can't let this happen to our best friend. We have to fix this. (Stella wails)
Kevin: At least she cries like a winner.

(kids laughing at the school hallway) (Stella is wearing a disguise while walking to Kevin, Joe and Nick)

Stella: Everybody is watching the video. I'm going to move to a town where there's no internet. (takes her sunglasses off) I'm going to be going to school on a donkey.
Nick: All right, before you go donkey shopping, why don't you check out what everyone's really watching?
Joe: It's not what you think, okay? Watch.
Stella: (rock music playing) I personally believe that, uh today's most pressing problem is, uh, U.S Americans unable--

It all make sense Everybody listens to the words she says Heading towards a consequence For every bit of ignorance, incompetence It's time for us to work it out We've got to work, work it out Before the day is done... such as in Africa and the Australia-- We've got to read a bit stronger Because we'll need it when tomorrow comes... Everywhere, like, such as-- We've got to work, work Work it out... And I personally believe-- We've got to work, work Work it out... Because some people out there in our nation don't have maps. She made her point Building up the courage just to raise her voice Heading towards a consequence For every bit of ignorance, incompetence It's time for us to work it out We've got to work, work it out

Stella: You guys actually found a way to make my flub look cool.
Kevin: There's already over 8 million hits on the video, plus people don't even care what happened at the pageant.
Stella: I don't know how thank you guys.
Joe: It was nothing.
Nick: Yeah. We just stayed all night writing a song, recording it, assembling a camera crew and editing all the footage together. But it was really nothing.
Stella: Oh... You guys are the best. Thank you. (hugging Nick, Joe and Kevin) (walks towards a cart) I mean, you know how much I hate looking silly. (shrieks) (camera phones clicking)
Nick: I'll go write a song.
Joe: I'll call the camera crew.
Kevin: I wish there was a falling-- in-the-trashcan-competition. She would be so good at that. Right, guys? (asks Joe and Nick but they left him alone then )

(Kevin, Joe, Nick and Stella are watching TV upstairs at the firehouse)

Man on TV: And only one of the monkeys had a driver's license. Turning in teen pageant news, the winner of this weekend's miss most amazing teen competition was Miss Carrie Sue North. (Joe turns off the TV)
Joe: Stella, we could just watch something else.
Stella: No no no no, it's fine. I just-- I just can't listen to anymore pageant stuff. Ugh. I've had it up to here with sashes and crowns. I never want anything to do with pageants ever ever again. See you at school. (thunks)
Man on TV: Joe turns on the TV after Stella leaves) Unfortunately, Carrie Sue North broke down under the stress of being a five-time champion and threw up on the president. Looks like JONAS have to pick another winner. (pop music playing) (Stella climbs up the pole and giggles and waves)
Stella: (returns while greeting Kevin, Joe and Nick) Well, hello, boys. (Joe, Nick and Kevin are shocked)

Exam Jam[edit]

Macy: This is Macy Misa and you're watching Macy Misa's video podcast from the JONAS loft. I'm Macy Misa. I am so excited to bring you behind the scenes as JONAS prepare to launch their world tour-- the bigger-and-better-than-the-last-tour tour! You'll get to watch the tough decisions that the band has to make.
Joe: I think I'm going with the all cotton socks.
Macy: We'll get up close and personal with Nick.
Nick: Ow!
Macy: We'll get a sneak peek at the band's latest new super cool look...
Joe: Are you serious?
Macy: and Kevin just being... Kevin. (dramatic music playing)
Kevin: I love you. (hugs his guitar)
Macy: Of course you'll get to see lots of this. (rock music playing)

Empty words Empty promises Show me that I'm not cut out For the role Of the entertainer 'Cause I'm not really that loud Too much to do And too little time Fix it now before It isn't right Pick up the clock and Mend the broken hand All we got to do Is just believe That time is on our side That time is on our side

Macy: I'm Macy Misa and if you'd like to see more theen tell your parents that you're doing homework, lock the door and crank up the volume. Did I mention I'm Macy Misa? Because I am. JONAS has given me complete access to their creative process because I'll be like a fly on the wall. I'll observe and report but I'll never interfere. Never.
Nick: Guys, I think I've got the lineup. We open the show with "Time is on Our Side."
Macy: What, are you cracked? You have to open up with "Work It Out." Oh, Time is on our side." Love it. Open with it. Stop looking at me.
Joe: Nick, she has a good point. (Nick agrees with Macy and Joe then Nick rips the paper)

Macy: So, Kevin, what's the hardest part about going on tour?
Kevin: Deciding who to take with me-- Olivia, Juliette, Lulu.
Macy: Whoa, that's an awful lot of girlfriends.
Kevin: Not girlfriends. I'm talking about my guitars. I have over 50 and I can only bring three. I have a very special relationship with each one.(dramatic music playing) How am I supposed to look Chloe in the sound hole and tell her, "you're not coming"?

Macy: Joe, any surprises you can share about the tour?
Joe: I’m working on doing a flip off a gigantic amp and landing in a split! Yeah.
Nick: Good luck with that.
Joe: I'll show him.

Macy: Stella Malone, stylist extraordinaire, with the pretty hair how do you feel about not going on tour with the band this time?
Stella: Can we stop talking about the tour? They're going, we know that. It's not a big deal. (sobbing) I'm gonna miss them so much. I mean, I can't believe I'm not going with them. Thanks for noticing my hair.
Kevin: Then come with us. We need you, Stella.
Stella: I mean, I wish I could. But my internship with Jacques Le Faget. That's like a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I'm gonna learn so much. I'm really excited.

Macy: That handsome old man is dad of JONAS.
Tom: Hey, Stella. (sees that Kevin, Nick and Joe are studying) Oh, that's what I love to see. My boys are cracking the books. All right. Now don't forget, if you pass these exams tomorrow, then you will have to stay here and repeat the class.
Kevin: We know and that means no tour.
Tom: No tour.
Joe: Which means no amazing split.
Nick: Which saves us a trip to the emergency room in some foreign country.

(rock music playing) I'm making up one more lame excuse Why I can't come out tonight I'm not trying to cut you loose I just need some time Oh-oh-oh-oh I'm feeling love sick But I don't mind You're the one I think about Every day and every night Oh, call the doctor I'm love sick Yeah I'm love sick

Nick: "Love sick" is the perfect opener.
Kevin: Sure, girls go crazy. They cry, they scream. They try and rip off our clothes. Especially you, Joe. (Stella walks by while carrying a sewing kit then she sits)
Stella: You know, I don't think you guys should do that song. I mean, the last thing rockstars need is a mob of excited screaming girls just rushing to the stage. You know that's dangerous. Especially you, Joe. Fine, whatever. Do the song.

Going back and forth so long And you're getting over Waiting on me to be strong And you start to wonder Oh-oh-oh-oh I'm feeling love sick But I don't mind You're the one I think about Every day and every night Oh, call the doctor I'm love sick Yeow


Macy: Joe, anything you're going to miss back home while you're on tour?
Joe: You know, there's always things you miss.

(ballad playing) You You like driving on a Sunday You You like taking off on a Monday You (appluding, cheering) You're like a dream A dream come true In your eyes When I saw it for the first time I knew that I Was gonna love you for A long time with a love So real So right How did it play out like a movie Now Everytime its beat can move me and I can't get Get your smile off my mind 'Cause you might think that I'm a fool For falling over you And tell me why What can I do To prove that It's not so hard to do? Give love a try One more time 'Cause you know that I'm on your side Give love a try One more time One more time. Yeah yeah Oh

Nick: I think we should cut "Give love a try" from the set.
Joe: No!
Stella: No!
Nick: Okay.

Stella: How's it going? The guys are trying on the new look I designed for the tour.
Joe: Are you serious?
Stella: What? I think it looks really good. I mean, haven't you seen opera singers? They have to keep their vocal cords warm, so they wear scarves

in the summer. Which reminds me, "get Joe a scarf."

Joe: You can't even see a square inch of my skin.
Stella: Girls can look at your hands. I mean, they covered in skin. "Get Joe gloves."

(Tom enters the bedroom)

Tom: It's about the tour.
Kevin: Dad, did they spell my name wrong on the tour jackets again?
Nick: You do look more like a Karen than a Kevin.
Tom: All right, look, I just got a call from the school. And it seems one of you boys failed your exam.
Kevin: Sorry, guys.
Joe: Dios mio.
Tom: All right, you guys passed. Nick, you failed your geometry exam. You can't move to the next grade till you pass geometry. So you're just gonna have to take the class again. Look, I'm sure you're pass it next time, all right?
Nick: What about the tour?
Tom: Well, that's... I'm afraid we're gonna have to cancel the tour.
Nick: I can't believe I failed the test.
Joe and Kevin: I can't believe I passed. (Joe wants to give Kevin a high five but Kevin doesn't want it)
Kevin: No.

Macy: Macy Misa here. I know what you're thinking JONAS heads. Things are looking pretty grim for the guys-- which is what makes my video podcast so good.

Nick is sitting on the carpet while Kevin and Joe are laying on it)

Nick: We have to cancel the world tour and it's all my fault
Joe: Yeah, it is.
Nick: Is that all you've got?
Joe: Yeah, it is.
Kevin: Nick, it's okay. Who needs a world tour anyways? You know, London's nice, but it's not sunny. The desert's hot, but there's no rain.
Nick: Kevin, those are my lyrics. You trying to comfort me or set up your own music video?
Kevin: I'm trying to comfort you by setting up my own music video. (snaps fingers) Hope you enjoy it. (ballad playing)

London's nice But it's not sunny The desert's hot 'Cause there's no rain You can laugh, But it's not funny I found a place Where my heart will stay Tokyo's fast, But I'm not winded New York's cash But that's okay Italy's a priceless memory Just go walk the streets of Spain But I found that I left my heart In Scandinavia, Left my heart In Scandinavia Left my love Inside of her arms Yeah, I left my heart In Scandinavia In Scandinavia (scats) Yeah, I left my heart In Scandinavia.


Nick: Dad said he was gonna call the school. I'll get an update.
Stella: Okay, tour wardrobe is all put away. Everthing is back to normal. (walks between Kevin and Joe and touches Joe's knee) Snow angels?
Kevin: Carpet angels.
Stella: I'm hungry. I say pizza, who's in?
Joe: I'll call Maria. Hey, Stell, um... you don't really seem that bummed that the tour just got canceled.
Stella: Oh, well... Oh, I mean, I can't say I'm not not bummed that I'll get to see you every day over the summer.
Joe: Yeah.
Stella: What about you, Joe?
Joe: I can say that I'm not unhappy that you're not not bummed.
Stella: Well, that makes me kind of happy. I mean, you can understand that, right?
Joe: I mean, that depends. What are we talking about?
Stella: Um, pizza.
Joe: You're right, yeah. Let's go get that.

That I left my heart in Scandinavia I left my heart in Scandinavia I left my love inside of her arms Yeah, I left my heart in Scandinavia

Joe: (runs to tell his brothers) Guys, guys, dad just got off the phone with the school. Nick gets to take a makeup test, which means if he gets a certain score, which is-- what is it again?
Nick: 100.
Joe: 100, he passes geometry.
Kevin: That means the tour's back on. Five-second dance party.
Nick: No celebration. Kevin!
Kevin: What? I had two seconds left.
Nick: There's no way I can get 100.
Kevin: Sure it is. It's easy. Just get them all right.
Nick: I took on way too many things-- the test. the tour preparations. Thought I could handle it, but... now I have no time to learn what I need to know.
Kevin: I could tutor you.
Joe: Kevin, you got a "D" in geometry.
Kevin: Yes, and he got an "F." So if we combine our two scores, we get a... "E." We get an "E."
Nick: And I'm the one that failed the test.
Kevin: What are you doing?
Joe: (writes on couple papers) I just came up with awesome way for Nick to ace that geometry. Check it out.
Kevin: Do you really think this will work? It is like the oldest trick in the book.
Joe: Mmm, let's test it out, shall we? (opens the book) No, see, the oldest trick in the book is... what's that on your shirt?
Kevin: Right, you got me. (fells for the trick)
Joe: What I came up for Nick is the second-oldest trick in the book. It's right after... the oldest trick in the book is what's that on your shirt?
Kevin: What? Oh! You got me again. (fells for it a second time) Oh, Joe, your shoe's untied. Watch out.
Joe: Kevin, do you really think I'm gonna fall for the third-oldest trick in the book? (thuds)
Kevin: Told ya.

(Nick is snoring while Joe is touching Nick who is sleeping) (Joe has papers and a pencil while he is stting on the side of Nick's bed)

Joe: Wow. For someone who ruined our world tour you think he'd have more trouble sleeping.
Kevin: I think I know what'll wake him up. (Kevin touches Nick's keyboard)
Nick: Don't touch my keyboard. (wakes up after Kevin touched the keyboard)
Kevin: All right, good. You're awake.
Joe: Me and Kevin figured out a way for you to learn this geometry stuff a lot easier. All right, here we go. (Kevin is strumming his guitar)

You're acute triangle You really got the juice Isoceles is built to please And obtuse is just obtuse The fact that all your angles are smaller than 90° Makes you quite a beaut You're the best triangle Because you are acute.

Kevin: Yeah.
Nick: Guys, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but that's just one law of geometry. There are dozens of those for me to know.
Joe: Well, let's a'singing.
Kevin: This is gonna be better than a Christmas album. (rock music playing)

It all make sense Everybody listens to the words she says Heading towards a consequence For every bit of ignorance, incompetence It's time for us to work it out We got to work, work it out Before the day is done We got to be a bit stronger 'Cause we'll need it when tomorrow comes We got to work, work Work it out... She made her point Building up the courage just to raise her voice Heading towards a consequence For every bit of ignorance, incompetence It's time for us to work it out We got to work, work it out Before the day is done We got to be a bit stronger 'Cause we'll need it when tomorrow comes We got to work, work Work it out...

Macy: It's the next day and Nick has taken his retest. Let's check in as they anxiously await the result. (Nick growls when Macy puts the camera close to his face) On second thought, I think it's best to give them their space. (backs away from Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Tom:(runs upstairs) Nick, it's your geometry teacher.
Nick: (walks to Tom and takes the phone to talk to his teacher on it) Yeah? No. Yeah. No. Yeah. Okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)
Tom: Yeah or no?
Nick: I got a 99%.
Kevin: Yes!
Joe: No, he needs a perfect score.
Nick: But my teacher said I could make up the last point if I calculate the volume of nacho cheese spread consumed by each screaming fan per cubic foot of arena space.
Kevin: What does that even mean?
Tom: That means the tour is back on. You did it.
Joe: Yes!
Tom: Whoo-hoo! Oh, I'm so relieved. This means I won't have to spend the summer picking through garage sales with your mother. I mean, how many old fire helmets can one woman have? I get it, we live in a firehouse.

Macy: Whoo, what drama. The bigger-and-better-than-the-last-tour tour, was on again, off again, and now it's back on again thanks to Nick acing his test. Yay, Nick!

(rock music playing) Oh yeah Dream of a day When the songs that you play Are blasting through the speakers in your car Then it comes in a flash And you hear the crowd Screaming out your name for the encore One more time Living life, life in the fast lane Not that bad, no, we can't complain Who's to say that we won't keep it real? Hold on tight, don't you dare let go Now's the time, let the whole world know You can shine bright but still keep it real...

Kevin: This is been an incredible journey and a very difficult decision. But as you know, I can only take three of you on tour with me. So, Olivia... Lulu... and Grace, you will be coming on tour with me. And to the others, I want you to stay in tune until I come home. (sighs) I will miss you. (he walks away)
Stella: Come on, Joe. I want to see what you look like. (Joe walks out of the bathroom) You look-- you look great.
Joe: I'm gonna miss you, Stell. (hugs her goodbye)
Stella: Aw, don't start. I'm gonna cry. And I can't be responsible for how cute I might look.
Joe: You sure, you okay with this?
Stella: Yeah, I mean, I just have to get used to the fact that you're a rock star with girl fans. Just don't forget about the girl back home that sews your pants.
Joe: Of course I won't. What's her name again? (Stella slaps Joe friendly when he forgots her name then Joe smiles)

Living life, life in the fast lane Not that bad, no, we can't complain Who's to say that we won't keep it real? Did you ever think your dreams would become a reality? Could become a reality, whoa And all you did was just believe Hold on tight, don't you dare let go Now's the time, let the whole world know Ooooh yeah Living life, life in the fast lane Not that bad, no, we can't complain Who's to say that we won't keep it real Whoa yeah Hold on tight, don't you dare let go Now's the time, let the whole world know You can shine bright but still keep it real...

Macy: You remember Joe's flip and split? Well, he finally went for it and I got it. But there's a little glitch. You'll see it.
Joe: Okay, for the first time ever... tried by a lead singer. Rock and roll! (doing a flip and split but failed)
Macy: Look out! (Joe grunts)
Kevin: Are you okay, Macy?
Macy: I'm fine. I'm fine. Just something coming out of my nose, and I think it's my tooth.

Season 2[edit]

House Party[edit]

Nick: This is amazing.
Joe: L.A., baby.
Kevin: Gentlemen, let me present to you le crib de la Jonas. Game room.
Nick: Music room.
Joe: Bathroom.
Big Man: Occupied. (toilet flushes)
Joe: Sorry, big man. This summer in L.A. is gonna be epic.
Kevin: Play all day, party all night.
Nick: Let's get busy. Maybe we'll get busy tomorrow. (Kevin is snoring on a floatie then Joe and Nick flipped it over) (Kevin yelps)
Joe: Ha ha. (he and Nick high five each other at the swimming pool)

Joe: It's so cool that mom and dad let us come here for the whole summer.
Kevin: Well, yeah, with an eldest brother this trustworthy, they can actually relax.
Joe: So in this scenario you're kind of like our L.A. dad.
Kevin: And mom.
Nick: Well, mom, I'm hungry.
Kevin: You have two hands. Make yourself a sandwich.
Joe: Guys, we're free now. We can eat whatever we want whenever we want.
Nick: Yeah, if we had any food.
Joe: We can just ask Macy and Stella to stop somewhere on the way home from the airport.
Nick: Nice, Joe-- putting your girlfriend to work before she even gets here.
Joe: She's not my girlfriend yet. I haven't even seen her since the tour started.
Kevin: She does know that you want to be her boyfriend, right?
Joe: Absolutely. Probably.
Nick: Joe, what exactly did you say to her?
Joe: I said, "hey, we're gonna be in L.A. The whole summer." And she was like, "oh, cool, I can totally come." And I was like, "huh?" And she was like, "yeah." And I was like, "cool."
Kevin: That's even vague in Joe language.
Nick: Joe, if you want to be with Stella, you have to tell her.
Kevin: With words.
Nick: That makes sense.
Joe: Guys, trust me. I've got this covered. When I see her tonight I'm gonna say it loud and clear. Stella Malone, will you be my girlfriend?
Kevin: Yes!
Joe: See? Kev likes it.
Kevin: No, I found the salt.

Macy: What up, fans? Macy here, your online source for all things JONAS. We just landed in sunny California. Check out all the glitz and glamour.

L.A., baby!

Stella: Macy, a little help here.
Macy: Sorry, just getting in a quick video blog. So, stella, care to comment on your Will-they-or-won't-they joe-mance?
Stella: Camera off.
Macy: What?
Stella: Okay, first of all, what did I tell you about acting like a crazy JONAS fan person?
Macy: To not to.
Stella: Thank you. And second, I'm not telling the whole world about me and Joe.
Macy: You're not even telling me about you and Joe. Are you guys going to be a couple or what?
Stella: I don't know. It has been two months. I barely remember what he looks like. (Macy shows Stella a picture of Joe) Oh, darn it. He's cute.
Macy: And by the end of the day he may just be your boyfriend.
Stella: I know.
Aunt Lisa: Stella-Bell.
Stella: Aunt Lisa.
Aunt Lisa: Wow, you grew up on me.
Stella: Thank you. Thanks for picking us up.
Aunt Lisa: Sure.
Stella: Where are you parked.
Aunt Lisa: Oh, right here. Pile in. Cute bag.

(doorbell ringing)

Joe: Mom's not gonna get that, is she?
Kevin: Rights of freedom, my man.
Dennis: Nick, neihgbros. What's up, buddy? Whoo! JONAS in the house!
Nick: Hello, person.
Big Man: No strangers in the house!
Dennis: I'm not a stranger. I live next door. You see, the haters call me Dennis Zimmer, but the players call me D.Z.
Kevin: He brought muffins.
Big Man: Let me run them through the lab.
Dennis: So when's the party, guys?
Joe: What party?
Dennis: He's messing with me, right? Let me break it down to you, okay, guys? In L.A., if you don't throw a party, you don't get invited to the parties, okay? Then the paparazzi forget you. Then the media forget you. Then the fans forget you.
Joe: How do you know so much about this?
Dennis: I watch a lot of "So, Where are they now?" shows.
Nick: Actually, I think this sneezy guy might have a point.
Dennis: D.Z., but gracias.
Nick: Look, if that's the way this town works, then I say bring it. We're known for our parties, am I right?
Kevin: I thought we were known for smelling super good, or is that just me? (Nick and Kevin smell themselves).
Nick: Hey, thanks for the tip. We're gonna announce ourselves with authority. I'll take care of the guest list.
Kevin: I'll take care of the music.
Joe: I'll take care of my looks.
Nick: Nice, Joe. Way to be a team player.
Joe: Dude, I gotta look good for Stella.
Dennis: Oh, what can I handle?
Big Man: Refill this.

Stella: Okay, so Barnaby is still with us... I think. (Aunt Lisa chuckles) Barnaby. Barnaby. (cat meows, growls)
Aunt Lisa: Now listen, I know I'm your chaperone this summer, but remember, I'm the cool aunt, okay? You can tell me anything.
Macy: Stella's gonna date Joe from JONAS.
Aunt Lisa: What? I'm calling your mom.
Stella: Aunt Lisa. I thought you were the cool aunt.
Aunt Lisa: Not when it comes to dating rock stars. I made that mistake once. Okay, 12 times.
Stella: No, Joe's different. I mean, I've known him since we were little kids. He's funny. And he's sweet and smart.
Aunt Lisa: Yeah, and he's still a rock star. Look, honey, I just-- there's always gonna be another girl, and I just don't want to see you get hurt.(melodic ring tone playing)
Stella: That's Joe's ring. Where's my phone?
Macy: I don't know.
Stella: Where's my phone?
Macy: Ow!
Stella: I'm sorry. Find it. Find it.
Macy: Ow. Ow.
Joe: Hey, Stell, hope you landed okay. Anyway, we're throwing a party tonight. Can't wait to see you. Call me. Oh, sorry.
Vanessa: It's fine. I'm fine. Wow, you're Joe from JONAS.
Joe: Vanessa Page. Your show rocks. Me and my brothers never miss an episode of "Malibu High."
Vanessa: That means so much, because I love your work.
Joe: Seriously?
Vanessa: So seriously. Your last album helped me get through a bad haircut.
Joe: Glad I could help.
Vanessa: Let's go shopping.
Joe: Yeah.

Nick: Okay, I'm in Hollywood. I can do this. (dials) Hey babe, party, JONAS. Be there. It's Nick. Yeah, from JONAS. (dial tone) Babe? She's not coming.
Dennis: Why don't you let me be the entertainment? I got mad skills. Check this out. (beat boxing) D.Z. On the beats, getting honey on the streets.

D.Z. On the beat...

Kevin: Whoa
Dennis: Oh, you like that? Whoo! Kevin, neighbro, k-dog.
Vanessa: This is the best organic clothing store in L.A. Everything here biodegrades before it goes out of style.
Joe: Cool.
Vanessa: I'm messing with you.
Joe: I knew that so much. So are you working on anything new this summer?
Vanessa: Well, this is totes hush-hush, but you know the "forever April" books?
Joe: Yeah, I love anything with ghosts.
Vanessa: Well, you're looking at one. I'm playing April in the movie.
Joe: That's awesome. I'd love to be in one of those.
Vanessa: Do you act?
Joe: No, it's just I've always wanted to.
Vanessa: Joe, don't want-- Do. Oh, here. Try this on for your party tonight.
Joe: How did you know about that?
Vanessa: Everybody knows. And yes, I'm coming. Go.
Joe: Okay. (melodic ringtone playing)

Vanessa: So sorry. Joe is in a cell-free environment. Please try him back. Peace and love.
Macy: What's wrong? What did he say?
Stella: Um, some girl answered his phone.
Aunt Lisa: Honey, get used to it.

Joe: Good afternoon, Stella. You smell nice. Is that a new perfume? No. Stella, what's up? Yeah, I rode a motorcycle here. Formal, casual. Formal, casual. Stella, meet your boyfriend. You're so lame. How do I look?
Nick: Fine.
Joe: You didn't even look at me.
Nick: Joe, I've been looking at you my entire life.
Joe: I'm changing.
Nick: Listen, Stella likes you for you, not for what you wear. Please don't be so shallow. (phone rings) Yeah. That's good. No, A-list-- that's what we're going for. Thank you. Unbelievable. Could you please take these to the pool? I'm getting good at this. (car horn honks) Hey.
Joe: She's here.
Nick: She's here.
Kevin: Gentlemen, say hello to our new best friend.
Dennis: Oh, I was hoping, but I never expected-- you're talking about the car. Cool.
Joe: You bought a car.
Kevin: Not just any car. This baby is a fully modified, Retrofitted biodiesel cruising machine. And it runs on cooking oil.
Nick: Kevin, you were in charge of music. (engine revs)
Kevin: Sounds like a sweet symphony to me. (Joe sniffs the car)
Joe: Smells like a side of french fries.
Nick: I've been busting my butt all day trying to get this party together, and your contribution is buying yourself a car?
Kevin: It's not just for me. It's for all of us. And it even can fit Stella and Macy.
Joe: Yeah, if they ever get here.
Dennis: Can I drive?
Kevin: No.

Stella: Play it again.
Joe: Hey, Stell
Stella: Okay, stop.
Macy: He calls you Stell. It's a cute nickname. It's affectionate.
Aunt Lisa: My rocker had a nickname for me too-- Lis, as in, "hey, Lis, it's over. Can I get my cat back?" Could he, Barnaby? (Barnaby meows)
Stella: Keep going.
Joe: Hope you landed okay.
Stella: Stop.
Macy: He's aware of your itinerary. And he cares about your safety.
Stella: More.
Joe: Anyway, we're throwing a party tonight.
Stella: Stop. Okay, big question-- who is "we Is it "we" as in him and his brothers Or "we" as in him and--
Aunt Lisa: The laker girls? Let's roll.
Macy: Okay, can I say something? Joe called and said he can't wait to see you. So let's go to Aunt Lisa's, get super pretty And go blow up the party. What do you say?
Stella: (sighs) I say yes. And you know what? When I see Joe, everything will just be clear.
Macy: Exactly.
Aunt Lisa: Hi, hello. Yeah, I'm gonna need a push over here. So just put your back into it. Thanks.

(pop music playing)

Joe: Emma, you made it.
Emma: Nice party, guys. Way to show up in style.
Joe: Just a little something we threw together.
Emma: One thing about the guy who called to invite me-- kind of cheesy, kind of desperate, kept calling me babe.
Nick: That's so not cool.
Emma: I know it was you.
Nick: Yeah, probably 'cause I said my name, right?
Emma: That was the tip-off. Don't worry. It was cute.
Nick: Um, Emma Roberts is at our party. You're welcome. (Stella and Macy arrive at the party) (Joe gives his beverage to Nick)
Joe: Guys.
Nick: Remember, use your words.
Vanessa: There you are. Greatest news-- I told my director that I met you and she flipped. She's a huge fan.
Joe: That's awesome.
Vanessa: I know. She wants to set up a meeting 'cause she has a part for you in "Forever April."
Joe: Are you serious? That's amazing.
Vanessa: I know. We might work together.
'Joe: Yay. (hugs Vanessa but Stella sees Joe and Vanessa hugging)
Macy: Oh, no.
Vanessa: I just love this. I mean, some people think my mom pushed me into acting, But really I was like, "mom, I know I'm only four, But I just know," you know?
Joe: I'll be right back. (walks to Stella) Hey.
Stella: Hi.
Joe: You look amazing.
Stella: Thanks. I like your shirt.
'Joe and Stella: I have something I want to tell you.
Joe: You go first.
Stella: Okay. I want to be friends.
Joe: We are friends.
Stella: No, just friends.
Joe: I should have gone first. Why?
Stella: Joe, we had an amazing moment together, and then you left for two months To be a rock star, which is fine, because that's what you are.
Joe: What does that have to do with us?
Stella: Come here.
Macy: I can't believe we're here. (hugs Kevin)
Nick: Welcome to L.A.
Kevin: Wanna see the guest house?
Macy: Oh, okay.
Kevin: Come on, this way.
Macy: Wow, Stella is gonna love this.
Kevin: Oh, yeah, Stella-- how do you think it's going?
Nick: Yeah, give us your girl take.
Macy: One word-- drama.
Nick: Wait, good drama or bad drama?
Macy: Drama with a surprise guest-- Vanessa Page.
Kevin: Wait, Vanessa Page is at our party? Good job, Nick.
Nick: I didn't invite her, but I'll take the credit.
Macy: We should probably get back in there. But pretend like you don't know anything.
Kevin: But I don't know anything.
Stella: Joe, we live in different worlds. I mean, you're here five minutes, and you're already hugging Vanessa Page.
Joe: She hugged me. She's a very aggressive hugger.
Stella: That's not even the point. The point is how our relationship makes me feel. And if we try to date this summer-- you haven't met my Aunt Lisa, but I really don't want to have to steal your cat.
'Joe: What are you talking about? Are you breaking up with me?
Stella: It's not a breakup because we never really dated.
Joe: Then what is this?
Stella: Let's call it a friendship confirmation. It's a good thing.
'Joe: Doesn't feel like it.
Stella: Joe, listen to me. This changes nothing. This place is amazing. We're all together in L.A. Kevin, Nick, Macy.
Dennis: Ssup?
Stella: Who is this guy?
Joe: He kind of came with the house.
Kevin: So how is it going, guys?
Joe: Great. We're friends.
Kevin: Friends?
Joe: Friends.
Kevin: Friends.
Nick: They're friends.
Kevin: Got it. So I have a question-- Does anybody really know anyone at this party?
Macy: No.
Kevin: I say we get out of here.
Dennis: Whoa, wait. You guys are tripping, okay? You can't just leave your own party.
Nick: It's your party now, buddy.
Dennis: Really? Hey, big shot, use a coaster!
Stella: So anybody want to show a couple of Jersey girls the town?
Kevin: My car's got a full tank of bacon. Let's do it.
Joe: Let's go.
Nick: So Joe and Stella-- not happening?
Macy: Well, the story is still young.
Nick: It's really good to see you.
Macy: It's good to see you too.
Nick: We should--
Macy: Yeah, okay. (horn honks)
Big Man: Don't be late.
Stella: Whoo!

L.A., L.A., baby - you're my - L.A., baby driving down the highway with the California breeze in my hair yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah out on your vacation, baby that's my destination, see you there yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah here we go, now let's go you gotta go go, bring it on the two of us tonight we can make it last forever we need to realize it's just you and me together Hollywood, it's the time the stars are shining for you and me tonight in this city what dreams are made of, yeah what dreams are made of, yeah what dreams are made of come on what dreams are made of


Macy: Hey, fans. It's Macy here again. We are at the crib de la JONAS, which is really bad spanish, but it's still a pretty cool place. Let's check in with the guys and see what they have planned this summer. So Kevin, what's up?
Kevin: Oh, hey. Just feeding my baby. Found out bacon grease made her backfire. But what she really loves is Chinese. So big shout to all my friends over at hunan lotus. Thanks for sending over all that peanut oil. Oh, and keep frying up those greasy egg rolls.
Joe: This book's got it all-- It's got adventure, romance. The cover's pretty cool. And the movie's starring Vanessa Page, although she told me to keep that totes hush-hush.
Macy: You realize this is going on the web?
Joe: Can we do that over?
Macy: So what's going on?
Stella: Say hello to our new summer roommate.
Aunt Lisa: Hi. I spoke to Stella's mom and we decided the best way to chaperone these girls was up close and personal.
Stella: Awesome. Thanks, mom.
Macy: Nick.
Nick: Hey, what's up?
Macy: Just doing a video blog about what the band is up to this summer.
Nick: Just working on a california-inspired song.
Macy: Oh, can you give the fans a preview?
Nick: (plays one note) We've only been here one day.
Dennis: Yo, what's up, people? D.Z. Here. And this summer I plan to spend 24/7 with JONAS. I mean, if the days were longer, We'd probably spend 25/8, right?
Big Man: You got my muffins?
Dennis: No.
Big Man: Goodbye.
Macy: Okay, well, that was the behind-the-scenes look. Macy Misa is saying Welcome to a summer like no other.

Back to the Beach[edit]

(Joe screams)

Kevin: What are you doing? (Joe is screaming)
Nick: Saving Joe. What are you doing?
Joe: Nick, Vanessa said there might be a part for me in her movie. We're working out my acting chops.
Nick: Okay, that explains nothing. And you?
Kevin: You know I've always wanted to be a director.
Nick: Always?
Kevin: At least for the last couple of weeks.
Nick: Well, I've always wanted to go to sleep, so please keep it down, okay? (Joe screams) Joseph!
Joe: Sorry, I bit my tongue. All right, let's do it again.
Kevin: Okay, down. And... (Joe screams)

Nick: Hey, Mace.
Macy: Hey. I was just updating the JONAS site. Anything you want me to post?
Nick: Post this: "Macy's offline." You're supposed to be on vacation.
Macy: Okay. Oh.
Nick: Sorry.
Macy: I got it.
Nick: So this pool's cool and all, but I'm kind of thinking beach. It's so close, you know.
Macy: Yeah, I can almost smell it.
Dennis: That's my body spray.
Nick: Hey D.Z., you ever hear of knocking?
Dennis: Yeah, how about "knock knock, I smell good"? It's beach by Stone Stevens. And I'm rocking his man-jewelry.
Macy: Wait, Stone Stevens, the pro surfer?
Dennis: Yeah, he's a close personal homie of mine. You want to meet him?
Macy: Yeah, sounds like a rad adventure. I just said "rad" so Cali.
Nick: Well, if she's in, I'm in. Take us.
Dennis: Well, I would love to, but I don't have a car.
Nick: So you can't take us?
Dennis: Well, my moms can.
Macy: Okay, great, so let's go.
Dennis: But she's at pilates for an hour, so until then we're straight chillin' poolside.
Macy: Oh, okay.
Nick: I'm calling a cab. (leaves)
Macy: Okay. Hi.

Kevin: Okay, so this is an expression drill. The first one is gonna be happy. Action! And sad. Scared. Okay, enamored.
Joe: What's that?
Kevin: You know, like when you like somebody, you have feelings for them. Action!
Joe: Dude, I'm not giving you my love face.
Kevin: It's not for me. You know, just picture me as a girl. You know, and you're trying to impress me. Action!
Joe: All I can think about is Stella.
Kevin: Still? (doorbell rings)
Joe: Be right back.
Kevin: Hurry.
Joe: Vanessa, hey.
Vanessa: Are you ready?
Joe: Always. For what?
Vanessa: Well, I talked to my director about who should play my love interest in "Forever April," and, dramatic pause, she wants a Joe from JONAS type.
Joe: I can play that.
Vanessa: I know.
Joe: That's amazing. I'm gonna be in a movie.
Vanessa: Totally. The audition is today.
Joe: Whoa whoa, wait. There's an audition?
Vanessa: Oh, it's just a formality.
Joe: But they're looking for me. How am I supposed to play myself?
Vanessa: Joe, don't worry. The part is as good as yours. We're gonna play boyfriend and dead girlfriend.

Dennis: Stone and his crew are so chill. Once they see you with me, you'll be part of the family. Yo, Stone! What's the haps, man?
Stone: I know you. You're from that band, right?
Nick: Nick from JONAS.
Stone: Stone from the ocean.
Macy: Wait, do that again. I want to get this for the site.
Stone: Anything for you, photo fox.
Macy: I take photos.
Stone: Shirts off, right?
Macy: Uh, it's the beach.
Nick: All right.

Joe: The director said she wants a Joe from JONAS type. How do I look more Joe-ish?
Stella: Okay, how about something from your last music video? So a leather jacket... you like that?
Joe: Oh, yeah.
Stella: -...And glasses - How about a bandanna?
Joe: - Classic Joe.
Stella: Classic Joe. I like it.
Kevin: Hi, they just emailed me the scenes for your audition later.
Joe: Cool. Just put it over there.
Kevin: I don't know, man. I was looking them over, and they're pretty emotional. I think we should go over it.
Joe: Kevin, what do you really know about directing?
Kevin: Well, as much as you really know about acting.
Joe: The whole thing's practically a done deal.
Kevin: Okay, man. Whatever.
Stella: You know, Kevin's right. I mean, you've never done this before. You should prepare.
Joe: It's all about my look. Vanessa said the whole audition's a formality.
Stella: Vanessa? Well, she would know.
Joe: You know there's nothing going on between us, right?
Stella: Yeah yeah, I know. And even if there was, I'd be fine with it. We agreed to be friends, so...
Joe: You're the best.
Stella: I know. Do you want that one?
Joe: Yeah. Aunt Lisa, hey. Mind if I help you with those?
Aunt Lisa: Oh, I see what you're doing. You're trying to get on my good side. It's not happening, no. I don't trust rock stars.
Joe: To carry your groceries?
Aunt Lisa: Good point. Thanks.

Stone: So what brings you to my shredquarters, Nick?
Nick: We're here for the summer. We're taking in the sights.
Stone: All right, all right. Hey, you want a fish taco? You want a fish taco. Guys, dos fish tacos-- one for Nick and one for his friend-girlfriend.
Macy: - We're just--
Nick: Whoa, she's not-- Macy runs our website.
Stone: Yeah? Well, I've got a Web empire. I use it to spread my message. It's all about easy livin', saving the ocean. And if you want to be cool, buy my stuff.
Dennis: Yeah, that's where I score my stone juice. That's what a guava will get you, right, bro?
Stone: And for you it's on the house.
Macy: Oh.
Nick: Well, see, we're more about our fans than selling stuff.
Stone: That's Noble. Hey, maybe I could interest you In a position on my website, Working closely with me, of course.
Nick: She's gonna pass.
Macy: I am?
Nick: You're way too busy with the JONAS site.
Macy: No. No, I'm not. We're on vacation.
Nick: Where did you get that idea?
Macy: From you this morning. You said I was offline.
Stone: Amigos, I don't want to make waves, Just want to ride 'em. But if you change your mind, Here's my card. Dudes, what's the E.T.A. on those tacos?
Nick: Thank you.
Macy: Thanks.
Dennis: It's cool. I ate at home.

Nick: You want something to drink?
Macy: Huh.
Nick: Hungry?
Macy: Nope.
Nick: So...
Macy: So how exactly am I too busy to work for stone's website?
Nick: Well, the truth is I wanted to let you relax before I hit you with all the big ideas for the site.
Macy: Oh, I'm relaxed. Hit me.
Nick: Well, to start, pictures-- band pictures, pictures of the band.
Macy: So you're saying more pictures.
Nick: Yes, exactly. Other stuff, website stuff, like weather reports, movie schedules, stock market reports. Did you know that Japan has its own stock market?
Macy: Yeah, I did, Nick. I did. Why didn't you want me to work for Stone?
Nick: Because Stone only wants you work for him 'cause you're pretty.
Macy: So you're saying I'm pretty?
Nick: I'm saying Stone thinks you're pretty
Macy: Wow. Well, thank you for clearing that up. You know what? You don't get to decide things for me. I do. And I just decided that I'm gonna work for Stone.
Nick: No, you're not.
Macy: Oh, yeah? Watch me. I quit.
Nick: You can't quit, because we don't pay you.

Kevin: You got this, man.
Joe: I know I got it. No problem.
Kevin: We're gonna be late. Nick, where are you? - Nick!
Stella: Have you guys seen Macy?
Kevin: No. Macy! There he is. Nick, have you seen Macy?
Joe: Yeah, I want her to film me landing my first movie role.
Nick: Where's the camera? I'll do it.
Joe: No, I want Macy.
Kevin: Yeah, you're not so good with the pictures. You like to cut off the head.
Nick: That is an artistic choice.
Stella: Nick, where is she?
Nick: Maybe she went shopping or quit or went to get her hair done. Who knows what girls do these days, right?
Stella: Whoa, back up. Macy went shopping without me?
Joe: Wait, what was that middle one again?
Nick: She quit, okay? She quit.
Stella: What did you do?
Nick: I don't know. We were talking about the Japanese stock market And she just went nuts.
Kevin: Nick, you must have done something to hurt her. You have to fix this.
Nick: How?
Joe: Guys, we gotta get to my audition. Nick, whatever you gotta do to change her mind, do it.

Nick: D.Z., D.Z.
Dennis: Whoa. Oh, hey, bro. Just making sure your pool works.
Nick: Listen, I need your help with something.
Dennis: Oh, be right there. That was touch-and-go for a second. What can I do you for, bro?
Nick: Listen, if I had anybody else to ask, I would.
Dennis: Oh, thanks, bro.
Nick: I'm gonna need a wet suit, a surfboard and a ride from your mom.
Dennis: Got it. Where are we going?
Nick: Back to the beach.
Dennis: Oh, I love it.

Joe: Okay, buddy, you can do this. You're one of a kind. (Joe enters the room and sees a roomful of him then he leaves the room and calls Kevin) (phone rings)
Kevin: It's Joe. Hey, dude. Tell me you nailed it.
Joe: There's a roomful of mes in there and I'm freaking out right now.
Kevin: It's okay. Just calm down. Breathe. Remember everything I told you.
Joe: Kevin, we're way past happy face/sad face. How am I supposed to get in front of a famous director and do a love scene with real emotions?
Kevin: Hang in there, man. I've got an idea.
Vanessa: Ready, Joe?
Joe: You mean me, right?
Mona: This one looks all wrong.
Vanessa: Oh, Mona, this actually is Joe from JONAS.
Mona: Well, okay. Mona Klein, - A huge fan.
Joe: Wow.
Mona: All right, let's rock this. And action!
Vanessa: Don't you get it, Dade? I'm a ghost. Ghosts can't love. They covet. They desire. But they can't love.
Joe: I could choose to believe that... But if we never try... They we'll never know what could have been.
Mona: Cut. Is he in love or is he ordering a cheeseburger?
Vanessa: Just give him another chance. He's a little nervous. That was really terrible.
Joe: I know. I'm sorry.
Vanessa: Joe, look at me. You get to be in love with me. It shouldn't be hard.
Joe: Can I please try again?
Mona: You're lucky lunch hasn't arrived yet. All right, one more shot, rock star. What's that Taylor Lautner guy up to? And action!
Vanessa: Don't you get it, Dade? I'm a ghost. Ghosts can't love. They covet. They desire. But they can't love.
Joe: I could choose to believe that... But if we never try, then we'll never know what could have been.
Mona: And cut.
Joe: I got the part!
Kevin: Are you kidding me? - Dude, congratulations.
Joe: Dude, you might just turn out to be a good director.
Kevin: Well, I do know how to motivate my actors.
Joe: Stella.
Kevin: I I'm gonna go.
Joe: When I saw you in the window, I just felt so...
Stella: Hey, sometimes you just need to see a friendly face.
Vanessa: Congratulations, dade! You were wonderful. I could totally feel our energies colliding.
Stella: Vanessa, hi.
Vanessa: Oh, hi.
Stella: I'm Stella Malone. I love you on "Malibu High." I never miss an episode.
Vanessa: That means so much. Anyway, we're gonna be working together a lot. It's going to be so intense. (Joe mouths)
Joe: So where do we begin?

Stone: Okay, rule number one, if you work for me, You've got to learn how to surf.
Macy: Oh, I'm in.
Stone: All right, so stand like that. Now remember, your shoulders are your steering wheel, so just keep it loose.
Nick: Oh, hey.
Macy: What are you doing here?
Nick: You want to work for a surfer? Well, I'm a surfer.
Macy: No, you're not, Nick. You've never surfed in your life.
Nick: How hard could it be?
Stone: Dude, I make surfing look easy because I'm great. Now you make being a rock star look easy because it is. Get the difference?
Nick: We'll see, dude.
Macy: What are you doing?
Stone: Is that dude always this crazy?
Macy: No, never.
Stone: You must bring it out in him.
Macy: Nick! Are you okay? (Nick is coughing while Macy help him)
Nick: Stone was right. Surfing's hard.
Macy: What has gotten into you?
Nick: This whole stone thing got me thinking.
Macy: About what?
Nick: You just seem different this summer-- good different.
Macy: Yeah, I guess I'm not that crazy fan girl anymore.
Nick: Look, Macy, if you want to go work for Stone, I have no right to stand in your way. In fact I don't think I can stand. I'm just worried that if you do go work for him, we won't be able to spend as much time together.
Macy: Oh. Wow. You know what? I think I'm gonna pass on this whole Stone Stevens thing, so that should free me up for some hanging out time.
Nick: Cool.
Macy: Okay.
Nick: Ow. (tries to stand)
Macy: Oh, okay.
Nick: Could we start by hanging out here?
Macy: Sounds good.

Obvious something real I have a chance but I don't know what to feel getting tired of all this fear before I choose let me know that you'll be here let me know that you'll be here 'cause I'm I'm not afraid to fall if you're the one who's catching me tell me that you'll be there when I'm about to lose it all you're the one who helped me see that sometimes it's okay to fall when I'm about to lose it all you're the one who helped me see that sometimes it's okay everything's okay sometimes it's okay to fall I'm gonna fall


Macy: So what did you do today?
Stella: Saved a JONAS. You?
Macy: Saved a JONAS.
Dennis: And I saved myself for you two. (he comes up from under the pool then Macy and Stella splash him)

Date Expectations[edit]

Macy: Come on, girl. We're almost to the top.
Stella: There had better be an air-conditioned mall up there.
Macy: All right, princess. You rest. I'll be right back.
Stella: Yeah? Well, if I was a princess, I'd have someone walk for me! (mumbles)
Ben: Oh. Oh.
Stella: Oh, sorry. Thank you.
Ben: That's okay.
Stella: Great.
Ben: Well, if someone was going to run into me, I'm glad it was you. Hey, I know you. I'm your neighbor. Cute orange house, right?
Stella: I'm Stella.
Ben: Ben.
Stella: Sorry I'm... such a mess. I was attacked... by a bear.
Ben: I'm guessing you're more of an indoor girl.
Stella: I like a wall and a window now and then.
Ben: That's probably why I haven't seen you on the trail before.
Macy: Hey. Oh. Umm... (thuds)
Stella: So many mosquitoes out here in nature.
Ben: Well, maybe we'd be better off doing something inside... like eating some frozen yogurt or something.
Stella: Really? Yeah.
Ben: Great. I'll pick you up around 7:00.
Stella: - Perfect.
Ben: - Cute orange house?
Stella: That's me. (chuckles)
Ben: Bye.
Macy: What was that?
Stella: (singsong voice) I'll tell you in a second. I just have to keep smiling and waving... Until he's down that hill. And we're clear. He just asked me out!
Macy: He's cute!
Stella: I know, huh? - I love hiking
Macy: Oh, okay.

Joe: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. - Big announcement?
Dennis: Ah. Let me put this in the form Of a riddle. Now what has two paddles, A net and the hottest celebrities in town?
Nick: Are you talking about Justin Timberlake's ping-pong tournament?
Dennis: Correct. Now this is the biggest charity event Of the summer, okay? J.T.'s all about giving back.
Joe: Yeah, we know all about it, but all the spots are booked.
Dennis: I guess it just depends on who you know. You see, my cousin is the assistant to the guy Who's the assistant to the guy who picks the

players. So I've secured an invitation for one lucky JONAI-- Happens to be singular for "JONAS."

Nick: No, it's not. But more to the point, That means that only one of us gets to play.
Kevin: Yeah.
Dennis: Correctamente. F.Y.I., I'm adding "amente" to everything I say. So which one of you three, is the bestamente?
Joe: Me, I'd probably crush it, but I've gotta study my script For the movie that I'm starring in, "Forever April"
Dennis: So Joe Hollywood is out. How about you guys, huh? Why don't you play for it? Kevin versus Nick?
Nick: I'm in. A little brotherly competition.
Kevin: I'm in.
Dennis: Oh. So... (clears throat) Excitedamente. All right. Good luck on that. All righty.
Joe: I need your love. You need my love.

Stella: I can't believe I'm going on my first L.A date.
Macy: I know. If this is the hiker, you work pretty fast.
Stella: Wait. Issue.
Macy: What?
Stella:- Joe.
Macy: Right. Well, are you going to tell him about that?
Stella: I mean, am I supposed to? I don't know.
Macy: Oh, okay. Let's play it out. I'll be Joe. What would you say to me?
Stella: So, Joe, - I met a guy.
Macy: No! No! How could you betray me?!
Stella: Macy, he's not gonna do that.
Macy: Well, I was just showing you the worst-case scenario.
Stella: Okay. Well, can we please try the best-case scenario?
Macy: Okay, fine.
Stella: Okay. So, Joe, I met this guy and we're gonna go on a date.
Macy: Oh, that's great. Have fun. I never had feelings for you anyway.
Stella: That's the best-case scenario?
Macy: Oh, wait. Here's 50 bucks. Take him someplace classy. Huh? Huh? Wasn't that helpful? Wait. Wait! (Stella is walking away and Macy follows her)

Stella: Joe?
Joe: Hey, Stell.
Stella: Whose dog is this? Hi, baby.
Joe: This is Chakra. He belongs to Vanessa.
Vanessa: Oh, we belong to each other.
Stella: Vanessa. Expecting rain?
Vanessa: Oh, no. I'm actually playing a ghost in "Forever April," so I can't be in the sun. I tan ubereasy.
Stella: Uberawesome.
Vanessa: (clicks tongue, sighs) Joe is such a sweetheart, agreeing to dogsit Chakra for me.
Stella: Wow. So you're dogsitting....
Joe: - Yeah.
Stella:- ...for Vanessa. Okay.
Vanessa: Well, I'm spending the weekend In an underground spa, so--
Stella: Oh, let me guess-- uberexclusive?
Vanessa: Oh no, it's literally underground... in a cave.
Joe: So what's up, Stell?
Stella: Um, I actually just came to say hi. And now I'm going So, Joe, happy dogsitting. Vanessa, watch out for bats.

Kevin: (ball clacking) Nick!
Nick: Hey, bro. Look what I found-- - One of these things. - Oh, so you're practicing.
Kevin: Oh, so you're practicing. Because where I come from, A friendly game means you pick up a paddle and you play.
Nick: Well, you're welcome to use it if you want.
Kevin: It's all good, brother.
Nick: What does that mean?
Kevin: Do what you need to do.
Nick: Okay.

Aunt Lisa: Isn't this fun?
Macy: Mm-hmm.
Aunt Lisa: What are you knitting?
Macy: A scarf.
Aunt Lisa: Oh.
Macy: Or a sock.
Aunt Lisa: Huh.
Macy: It depends what part of me gets cold first. What about you?
Aunt Lisa: A cat sweater.
Macy: Doesn't your cat have fur?
Aunt Lisa: (baby voice) But it goes so well with his little hat.
Stella: He's taking care of Vanessa's dog.
Macy: No, he is not!
Stella: Yeah, he is. I mean, I don't know how they got so far so fast. Usually you meet, you flirt, you date, you introduce him to your parents And then maybe you let him dogsit.
Macy: Well, he has clearly moved on and so should you.
Aunt Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Stella: Oh, I am moving, baby, And Ben is my moving van.
Aunt Lisa: Oh, after I meet him?
Stella: - He's not a rock star.
Aunt Lisa: - Love him.
Stella: Yes, ladies, this date with Ben is going down. - I am talking frozen yogurt...
Macy: Mm-hmm.
Stella: With toppings. (Aunt Lisa gasps) - Maybe a swirl.
Macy: - Now that is the Stella who came to play in L.A. - Hippy bump. (squeals)
Stella: I'm good. I'm getting ready.
Macy: - Oh, I'll help.

Nick: Kevin.
Kevin: - Oh, hey, Nick. Meet China's gold medalist in table tennis world cup.
Nick: You hired a coach?
Kevin: And you, sir, bought a ball machine.
Nick: Just say it. You're afraid to lose to your little brother.
Kevin: "Lose"? Oh, no. I just want to make sure you were properly schooled - When I beat you.
Nick: You are so going down.
Kevin: That's cute and all, but can you leave now? 'Cause she's about to teach me a move she likes to call the Cobra Chop. Chop.

Vanessa: Now remember he only drinks bottled water, No carbs after 4:00 P.M. And no loud noises. - His ears are very sensitive.
Joe: (whispers) I think we'll be fine.
Vanessa: - I'll call you when I get there.
Joe: Cool.
Vanessa: I was talking to Chakra.
Joe: Right.(Vanessa kisses her dog) Yeah, I knew that.
Vanessa: (Joe chuckles) And one for you. (she kisses Joe before she leaves)
Joe: Bye. I know where you can sleep. You can sleep in Nick's bed. (laughs) Yes, you can. Come on.
Ben: - Excuse me.
Joe: - Oh, hey, can I help you?
Ben: Yeah, I'm looking for a Stella.
Joe: - And you are?
Ben: - Ben. I met Stella hiking today And I found her keys on the trail. At least I think they're hers.
Joe: - Yeah, those are Stella's.
Ben: - Do you know if she's around? If not, I'll just see her tonight.
Joe: - What's tonight?
Ben: - Our date.
Joe: So what you're telling me is your name is Ben - And you have a date with Stella.
Ben: - Yeah.
Joe: I think we have a lot we could talk about. Why don't you come on in?

Kevin: Cobra chop!
Nick: - Aloha, brother.
Kevin: - What's all this?
Nick: Well, I know some words have been exchanged, some not so pleasant, so I decided to do something nice for you.
Kevin: Really? This is for me?
Nick: Well, I know how much you like relaxing.
Kevin: I do like to take a load off.
Nick: All right. Well, try it out. Take this coconut smoothie, lay down on this thing - And just relax.
Kevin: - Don't mind if I do. (sits on the hammock)
Nick: Oh, I almost forgot-- ladies.
Kevin: Oh.
Nick: - How does that feel?
Kevin: Ah. Like a cool island breeze. It's very relaxing. Wait a second! - I know what you're trying to do here.
Nick: - What would that be?
Kevin: You're trying to recreate that sweet sweet nap I took in Maui.
Nick: Ah. The nap of all naps. The nap of your dreams. Now why would I do that?
Kevin: To make me groggy for the match. You're trying to make me lose my competitive edge.
Nick: Shh. Relax.
Kevin: It would be nice. I mean-- No! Not at all! Absolutely not. - Not gonna work.
Nick: - All right, fine. But I know how cranky you get without your nap.
Kevin: You're going down a bad road here, brother. You'll be sorry you messed with the master. No one said stop.
Joe: Ah. Here you go, my buddy Ben.
Ben: Thanks. So is Stella home?
Joe: I want to talk about Ben. What gets Ben up every morning?
Ben: Um, well, I'm a student.
Joe: So what I'm hearing is you're unemployed.
Ben: - No, I work part time too.
Joe: Mmm, flipping burgers?
Ben: I invented a cell-phone app. It's kind of popular.
Joe: Well, I'm pretty cell-phone-app savvy myself. So what's it called?
Ben: It's called the side burner. - It lets you take any photo
Joe: and-- - put sideburns on it? Dude, I love that app. You invented that?
Ben: Yeah, it's no big deal It pays the rent, got my parents a new house. It's all good. So what do you do?
Joe: Really?

Nick: - Where are they? (ball clacking)
Kevin: - Where are what? - Can you be more specific?
Nick: - Specifically my lucky sneakers.
Kevin: The white ones with the blue stripes? I haven't seen 'em.
Nick: - Fibber!
Kevin: Oh, now you're resorting to name-calling.
Nick: - I know what you're trying to do.
Kevin: And that would be what?
Nick: You think I'm so superstitious - I need those shoes to win.
Kevin: - Those are your words, not mine.
Nick: - You're not getting inside my head.
Kevin: - I think I already am.
Nick: You know what? I could beat you without shoes. I could beat you without socks. I could beat you without feet! Kevin!
Kevin: Ah.

Joe: You know what? I ask the questions around here. So where are you taking Stella tonight? (Macy is spying)
Ben: - Um, to get frozen yogurt.
Joe: - What do you have against ice cream?
Ben: - Higher fat content.
Macy: - Oh, boy.
Dennis: So as determined by the pre-game flip of a coin, The Kevinator will serve first. By the way, I'm no longer saying "amente." I'm now saying "inator."
Nick: - What was that?
Kevin: - Cobra chop.
Nick: The cobra chop is cheating?
Kevin: Look, Nick. If you can't handle my level of play, you should quit now, - Just like you did third-grade Spanish.
Dennis: - Ooh.
Nick: I couldn't roll my Rs because my tongue wasn't fully formed yet.
Kevin: - Always an excuse with this guy.
Nick: You know what? - Just serve the ball, Kevin Percy.
Kevin: - Don't you use my middle name.
Nick: - Oh, I think I just did, Percy. (Dennis gives Kevin the ball)
Kevin: - Ball. - Cobra chop!
Dennis: - Whoo! Nice. Intensamente.

Macy: Code red. Code red. (enters the guest house)
Stella: Actually, this is crimson crush.
Macy: No. Joe, Ben, here together.
Stella: - What?
Macy: Joe is grilling Ben like a shish kebab. - You've gotta get in there.
Stella: - Right. Wait. - What about my toes?
Macy: - Just bring them.
Stella: Okay.
Joe: So what you're telling me, ben-- If that's your real name-- Is that you're gonna take stella out to "fro-yo," and if it goes well, you might ask her out again?
Ben: Umm... yes.
Stella: - Joe.
Joe: - Stella. - Don't talk to her.
Stella: - Don't talk to him.
Joe: No, we are talking. We're talking up a storm.
Ben: I found your keys.
Stella: Oh, and you brought them here. Thank you. That is-- that's so sweet. Thank you. Thanks. You-- game room, now.
Joe: - No.
Stella: - Now.
Ben: - Look. If tonight's not gonna work--
Stella: - Oh no, it's perfect. It's perfect.
Ben: - Okay.
Stella: Thanks for the keys.
Ben: Right. Bye.

Kevin: Take that, thumbsucker.
Nick: You ate baby food until you were 10.
Kevin: It was just the applesauce.
Dennis: Oh! Point to the Nickinator! Whew. Guys, this is getting personal.
Stella: How dare you interrogate my date!
Joe: What am I supposed to do, Seeing as you decided to keep the whole thing from me?
Stella: I tried to tell you, but you were a little too busy... Playing house with Vanessa and Shakira.
Joe: It's Chakra, and he's a boy. (Chakra is barking) The point is you had a date tonight - And you didn't tell me.
Stella: - Well, you didn't tell me about the dogsitting.
Joe: I didn't tell you about my dentist appointment either.
Stella: Vanessa is trusting you with something that she loves. That's a big step in a relationship.
Joe: We're not in a relationship.
Stella: Well, she thinks that you are.
Joe: Yet you're the one who has a date tonight.
Stella: It's just yogurt! (barking continues)
Joe: Chakra! Chakra! No, Chakra! Come back! Chakra!
Dennis: So it all comes down to this: The winner of the next point will take the crown, And moi, to meet Justin Timberlake. (Nick takes the ball out of the hat) (dramatic music playing) (Chakra barks and swallows the ball) (Dennis gasps)
Kevin: That was our last ball. - When did we get a dog?
Joe: Chakra! - Heel! - Stay! Stay! - Chakra, come back! - Chakra, come on! Don't run! (Dennis runs after Chakra)
Kevin: Our dog's name is Chakra?
Joe: - It's not our dog. I'm watching him for Vanessa. He got scared when Stella and I were arguing.
Nick: - About what?
Joe: - She has a date tonight - And she didn't tell me.
Nick: - Didn't you guys decide to be friends? Doesn't that mean you're free to date whoever you want?
Joe: Yeah, but I just pictured myself dating and Stella just... not.
Nick: You do realize how it sounds, right?
Joe: When I just said it, I realized what a jerk I sounded like.
Kevin: Yeah, well, you shouldn't tell us. You should tell her.
Dennis: (panting) Okay. Come on, boy.
Joe: You're right. Thanks. (leaves)
Dennis: Yo, bros. Ah. It's game point. (gives the ball that Chakra swallowed to Kevin)
Kevin: Yeah, that's gonna be a problem.
Nick: Maybe it's for the best. This game was getting pretty ugly.
Kevin: Yeah, there's no such thing as a friendly game of ping-pong. (fistbumps Nick)
Dennis: Hey, guys, hold on. We're real close-- one more point.
Nick: It's over, D.Z.
Dennis: Guys, wait. I don't want to have to come down on you. All right, look. I promised my guy a JONAS and I don't front. Okay? So you guys have

got one day - To sort this out.

Kevin: - Or what?
Dennis: Or our friendship is in serious trouble.
Nick: Our friendship will be fine. Trust me.

Joe: - Hey.
Stella: - Hey.
Joe: Listen. I was way out of line back there. I'm sorry.
Stella: It's okay. I may have slightly overreacted to that whole dog thing.
Joe: We should be able to date whoever we want without the other one of us freaking out about it.
Stella: I agree.
Joe: Or if you prefer not to date at all, I'm cool with that too.
Stella: - Joe.
Joe: - Okay, the first one. Listen, Ben's a really nice guy. You should have fun tonight.
Stella: Thank you.
Joe: Just do me one favor-- Tell him what band I'm in.
Stella: Okay.
Joe: Cool. (leaves)

(ballad music playing) they say you'll know when you really find the one but it's hard to tell with the damage that's been done but I'd like to say that it's your fault but I know better 'cause I'm a fool to think you'd wait around forever maybe I could have turned to you maybe I could have shown that I still do care about you more than you could know don't say it's too late to try to make it right oh to make it right make it right gonna make it right oh, yeah.


Macy: Hello. - Where have you been? I've been worried sick. It's 8:00.
Stella: I've been gone for an hour.
Macy: Okay, let's put it all behind us and tell me everything.
Stella: Okay. So we got to the yogurt place--
Macy: - Start earlier.
Stella: - He opened the door for me...
Macy: A gentleman.
Stella: And then he let me pick the music.
Macy: He cares about your interests.
Stella: Then we opened the sunroof so we could look at the stars.
Macy: - Oh.
Stella: - But it was foggy.
Macy: - Not his fault.
Stella: - Oh, when we got to the date, - He made me something.
Macy: - What? (gasps) He sideburned you?
Stella: Yes. Oh, Joe is so cool. - I just said--
Macy: - Uh-huh.
Stella: - That can't happen again.
Macy: - No.
Stella: Hm-mmm. - How about I sideburn you?
Macy: - Okay. - Let's go full-on werewolf.
Stella: - Smile. (clicks)

Dennis: Guys, it's game time.
Nick: We've got you covered, D.Z.
Dennis: Oh, so it's you. Great, I was hoping for you. - Don't hate Kev or anything.
Nick: - It's not me.
Dennis: Kevin baby! My favorite brother!
Kevin: It's not me either, D.Z.
Dennis: So you guys are leaving me hanging?
Kevin: We're not gonna leave you hanging. We promised you a brother, so fresh off the jet from Jersey...
Frankie: Let's do this!
Kevin: Yo, what's up, Frankie?
Frankie: A little gift from mom.
Kevin: Baby applesauce. Guys, it's just a lot smoother. (Nick put his head down)
Dennis: So... clears throat) are you any good?
Frankie: Back home they call me the Frankinator.
Dennis: (chuckles) Where have you guys been hiding this kid? Let me see you do this. Yeah. Definitely. How long have you been playing?

And... Action[edit]

Kevin: - Here you go, man. I made you breakfast.
Joe: - Wow. Thanks, dude.
Kevin: No problem. Feeling good? Feeling loose?
Joe: Feeling awesome. I'm going to be in a movie today.
Kevin: Not just any movie! From the best-selling novel, "Forever April," Comes the major motion picture event Starring my brother Joe.
Joe: (chuckles) Dude, no sausage.
Kevin: In a world with no sausage, - One man-- -
Joe: --tells his brother to stop talking like that.
Kevin: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hey, let's practice your lines.
Joe: Kevin, we've been practicing all weekend. I'm pretty solid.
Kevin: Okay, then you wouldn't care if I did this-- Scene 36, interior, high school gymnasium, Your character Dade is alone. The ghost April appears. She says, "Dade, you're not safe here. - You have to go."
Joe: - I'm not going anywhere without you.
Kevin: - Nailed it!
Joe: - See? Solid.
Kevin: - Now do it backwards.
Joe: - You without anywhere going not I'm.
Kevin: You are going to be a great actor.
Joe: And you are going to be a great director. Director Kevin?
Kevin: - Yes, actor Joe?
Joe: - What time is it?
Kevin: - 7:30.
Joe: - And what time do I have to be on set?
Kevin: - 7:30.
Joe: - So we should probably-- - (he and Kevin are going to leave)

Joe: According to this, the set should be... Over there. Or over there. Dude, you're the director. Which direction are we going?
Kevin: Relax, okay? We're a little bit lost, we're a little bit late, but look at this place! We are not in Jersey anymore.
Joe: Kevin, I was supposed to be in makeup like yesterday.
Kevin: (laughs) You have to wear makeup. - Ha.
Joe: - ( sighs ) There it is. Come on.
Kevin: Chill. We're in hollywood-- nothing starts on time.
Mona: You're late. Who said you could be late to a Mona Klein set?
Joe: - He did.
Kevin: - Hi, Ms. Klein, I'm Kevin. I'm Joe's brother. Also a director! - Well, aspiring. But I'm just a big fan.
Mona: - Zip it! You sit down while I decide how I'm gonna punish you.
Joe: - It won't happen again.
Mona: - No kidding. This movie is my big comeback. After "Soccer Squirrels 2: Nuts in New York" - They said I'd never work again.
Joe: - I loved that movie.
Mona: Well, the critics didn't. But "Forever April" is going to get me back to where I belong. Unless you mess it up, so be on time!
Vanessa: Mona, my yoga class ran over. Sorry I'm late.
Mona: Oh sweetie, what's a few minutes? Take all the time that you need. Oh, the face on that one.
Joe: Vanessa, how did you get away with that? Mona totally chewed me out for being late.
Vanessa: I have exited Vanessa. I am now April.
Joe: - What?
Vanessa: - Dade, is that you?
Kevin: Joe, this is a technique some actors use to prepare. They become the character even when the cameras aren't rolling.
Vanessa: Dade, am I visible?
Kevin: - Play along.
Joe: - Yes. April, I can see you.
Vanessa: You're the only mortal I can communicate with and I need - Something.
Joe: - What is it, April?
Vanessa: A bagel-- lightly toasted with the middle scooped out.
Kevin: I'll get it.

(Nick is teaching Macy how to play the guitar)

Nick: All right, you strum.
Macy: Okay.
Nick: G-g-g-g. C-c--
Macy: - We're doing it.
Nick: - We are shredding "Twinkle Twinkle."
Macy: I think a guitar should always be a two-person instrument.
Nick: Depends on the two people. Maybe you should try it on your own.
Macy: Oh. Um - Okay.
Dennis:- (rock music playing) - Hey, how you doing?
Nick: Hey, D.Z., we're kind of in the middle of something.
Dennis: Introducing D.Z., A.K.A.: Lady candy, as in candy for ladies, not as in, you know, I'm a lady named Candy.
Nick: I get it. I don't want to get it, but I get it.
Dennis: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a big date tonight. And-- oh, this is real velour, so if you were to rate my look on a scale of jamming to slamming?
Macy: - Um...
Dennis: - You hate it. Hug me.
Nick: Ow ow, D.Z.! You're hair's really sharp.
Dennis: Oh, sorry. I must have overgelled.
Macy: Okay, D.Z., back away from the JONAS. Whatever is going on, it can't be that bad.
Dennis: The-the truth is I'm not the player you think I am. And I've never been on a date before. There, I said it.
Macy: That is a huge shock. - But it's gonna be okay.
Dennis: All right? I'm meeting Andrea tonight. My threads are busted, And this bling is giving me a rash.
Macy: Okay, I can help you. But you're gonna have to do it my way, understand?
Dennis: - Yeah, where do we start?
Macy: - Follow me.

Stella: Okay, Aunt Lisa, I'm ready. (removes her robe and sits)
Aunt Lisa: Oh, thanks for letting me practice on you, Stella-Bell. You know, I think massage is my true calling. I do. I know I said that about acting. And candle-making. - And landscaping.
Stella: (takes a towel and puts it on the head of the massage chair)- Hey, it's a free massage. I'm in.
Aunt Lisa: Oh, I am going to be charging a pretty penny for this, Once I get into massage school.
Stella: - Get in?
Aunt Lisa: - Mm-hmm.
Stella: I thought-- I thought you were already-- you know?
Aunt Lisa: - Oh no. Let's begin.
Stella: - Okay.
Aunt Lisa: Who's a good girl? Do you like that? Hmmm? (giggles)
Stella: - Aunt Lisa?
Aunt Lisa: - Yeah?
Stella: Is there any chance that before me you've only massaged, say, a cat?
Aunt Lisa: Oh yeah. Oh, there's a chance.

Mona: Okay, in this scene, Dade goes to the house where April's spirit lives.
Joe: - Cool.
Mona: - Joe, I need you to play this - Scared, yet tough.
Joe: - Got it.
Mona: Confident, yet vulnerable.
Joe: - Really?
Mona: - I want big big emotion played in a very very small way.
Joe: - Okay, on that one how do I--
Mona: - Camera rolling!
Joe: - Wait!
Mona: - What?
Joe: - Aren't we gonna rehearse?
Mona: Rehearse? What is this, your high school play? This is the big time. You're a professional actor and every minute on this set costs money.

This conversation? A million dollars. Saying "a million dollars"? $27,000.

Kevin: Excuse me, guys, is everything okay?
Mona: - Who are you?
Kevin: - I'm Joe's brother. We've actually met.
Mona: Yuck, family. No thanks. This is why I have birds. Shoo! Cue effects. Cue music. - ( ballad playing ) - And action!
Vanessa: Why do you keep coming here? Nothing good ever happens in this terrible place.
Joe: - I just need to be close to you.
Vanessa: - No, you need to forget me. Try, Dade. Pretend I never existed.
Joe: But I can feel you all around. In the silence... I hear line!
Kevin: - The sound of!
Mona: - Cut! - Do you not know your lines?
Joe: - I do not. I mean, I did. I'm just nervous.
Mona: I'm not paying for nervous. Go again. Cue effects. Music! - ( ballad playing ) - and action!
Vanessa: Why do you keep coming here? Nothing good ever happens in this terrible place.
Joe: - Uh...
Mona: Cut! What's the deal? Everybody take five. You get your act together or you're gonna see my dark side. Okay?
Joe: It gets darker?

Dennis: Ow!
Macy: Quit squirming.
Dennis: - Oww!
Macy: - What did you put in here, glue? (trying to remove the toupee cream from D.Z's hair)
Dennis: I don't know. It was my grandfather's toupee cream.
Macy: Oh, I'm gonna need a bigger comb. (rock music playing)
Dennis: So, do we like? (asks Macy about the makeover)
Macy: - No.
Dennis: - Oh boy.

Kevin: You're doing great, bro.
Joe: Stop saying that. I'm a mess.
Kevin: - Just try and relax.
Joe: - Maybe I just don't belong here.
Kevin: What does this chair say?
Joe: - It says "Joe."
Kevin: - yes, exactly. "Joe," not Lou, not Ed, but Joe. They wouldn't give you a chair with your name on it if you didn't belong here.
Joe: - Who's Ed?
Kevin: - I'm trying to make a point. You're fine saying the lines with just me.
Joe: You don't have a dark side. Mona freaks me out. - What if she fires me?
Kevin: - I won't let that happen.
Mona: We gotta go much tighter on Joe. Throw a 75 on, okay?
Camera Man: Gotcha.
Kevin: - Hi, Mona.
Mona: You just pop up all over the place, don't you?
Kevin: Yeah. I think I figured out what Joe's problem is.
Mona: - Oh, do tell.
Kevin: - It's you.
Mona: I'm the problem?
Kevin: Yeah, you have a way of saying things that are scary and mean. Joe, on the other hand, likes things that are soft and nice.
Mona: - Oh, does he?
Kevin: - If you could give him rewards, Maybe like treats or snacks, that could really help him.
Mona: Fascinating. You know, I have a different approach.
Kevin: - Oh, what's that?
Mona: - Security!
Kevin: - No, that's--
Mona: - Get him off my set.
Kevin: Hey-- - Hey, we're fine.
Joe: - Wait, what happened?
Kevin: - We talked. You're all good. (Kevin screams)
Joe: - What? No.
Kevin: Come on, guys, I've gotta get back to set. My brother needs me. Guys, come on! - (beeps) - Joe, talk to me.
Joe: Dude, why did Mona kick you off the set?
Kevin: Things were said. It's not important. So how you doing?
Joe: I am freaking out. You need to get back here.
Mona: Picture's up. Where's Joe?
Joe: - She coming. (hangs up)
Kevin: - Joe? Joe! (tries to enter the set again but the two officers that took Kevin off the set prevented him from entering)
Evie: I don't think so.
Kevin: Listen, my brother really needs me. He's back there on set.
Evie: And I need a three-hour foot massage, followed by a four-hour foot massage. I think we're both gonna be disappointed.

(piano chords playing)

Macy: May I present the new and majorly-improved D.Z.?
Nick: Wow, D.Z., is that really you?
Dennis: Holla! Back up the cool bus. Vroom. Beep beep beep beep. (beatboxes) - Whoo.
Nick: - Yep, it's still you.
Macy: I forgot he still talks. It really kills the look.
Dennis: Wait wait, you guys think I need more than this?
Macy: Girls love a good dresser, but the clothes are just the packaging.
Nick: Uh-oh, Macy's about to lay some knowledge on us, D.Z.
Dennis: Oh, well, D.Z.'s all ears.
Macy: - Well, we like a guy with confidence.
Dennis: - I reek of confidence. That's my body spray-- "Confidence" by Stone Stevens.
Nick: Yeah, there's such a thing as too much confidence. (blows the body spray around him away then he covers his nose)
Macy: We like it when you listen to us.
Dennis: Oh, like I said, all ears.
Macy: - But still have your own opinions.
Dennis: - Totally. - (whispers) About what?
Macy: - Oh, I know! We like a guy who can make us laugh...
Dennis: Well, I got this off the back of a gum wrapper: Why don't seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they'd be called "bay-gulls. - Stop it.
Macy: - But not with jokes. I really hate jokes.
Dennis: Ahem. Come on, flying baked goods?
Macy: D.Z., just listen. Care about your family and your friends. And show the world you have a beautiful spirit. And always always chew with your mouth closed. - Got it?
Dennis: Got it. Anything else?
Macy: One more thing: If you like a girl, you should tell her, so she's not confused by the messages you're sending.
Dennis: Got it, processed. Outskis. (leaves)
Nick: - You deserve a medal.
Macy: - Thank you. So anything I said surprise you at all? Or...?
Nick: Jokes-- I didn't know they were a deal breaker. (leaves)

Kevin: Officer Evie-- may I call you Evie? There has to be someone in here you want to talk to. Matt Damon? Usher? Kesha?
Evie: I don't play like that. You got Will Smith in there?
Kevin: - No.
Evie: - Oh well!
Kevin: I guess we're stuck. (runs towards the entrance)
Evie: Oh no, that boy didn't just do that. (groans) I had to wear the big heels today. Boy!

Vanessa: Why do you keep coming here? Nothing good ever happens in this terrible place.
Joe: - I just need to be close to you.
Vanessa: - No, you need to forget me. Try, Dade. Pretend I never existed.
Joe: Around all you feel can I but. I just said it backwards.
Mona: Cut!
Joe: I can feel you all around. I can feel you all around! See, I can say it. (tells Mona)
Mona: (sighs) What about a treat? Let me see, what have I got in my pocket here? I've got some mints, a lipstick. I've got the number of the guy I rear-ended this morning.
Joe: - I think I'm past treats.
Mona: - Okay, so what can we do?
Joe: - Maybe you hired the wrong guy.
Mona: - I don't make mistakes. I saw you onstage and you were electric! I'm 25 and you made me feel like I'm 12.
Joe: - 25?
Mona: - Shh! Joe, you've sang in front of thousands of people And made them feel everything you wanted to. Bring that guy here, all right? Find your inner rock star. You can do it.
Joe: Okay, I'll try.
Mona: Cue effects! Music! And action!
Vanessa: Why do you keep coming here? Nothing good ever happens in this terrible place.
Joe: - I just need to be close to you.
Vanessa: - No, you need to forget me. Try, Dade. Pretend I never existed.

I can feel you all around in the silence I hear the sounds of your footsteps on the ground and my heart slows down so now I'm I'm waiting for the moonlight so I can find you in this perfect dream don't think that you can hide there in the shadows girl, you're not invisible you're all that I can see oh oh yeah something's changing deep inside all my hopes start coming alive as we're fading into the night I can see your eyes so I keep on waiting for the moonlight so I can find you in this perfect dream don't think that you can hide there in the shadows girl, you're not invisible I'm waiting for the moonlight so I can find you in this perfect dream don't think that you can hide there in the shadows girl, you're not invisible girl, you're not invisible you're all that I can see and my heart slows down.

Mona: And cut! Rock star Joe, welcome to my movie.
Kevin: That's awesome. See that actor? That's my brother.
Joe: - How was that?
Mona: - That was great. That was amazing! Now do you think you can say your lines As well as you sang them in that song?
Joe: - Definitely.
Mona: - All right, let's go again.

Stella: - Ow.
Aunt Lisa: - Sorry.
Stella: - Ow.
Aunt Lisa: - Honey, you're just so tense. Oh, look, you have a whole row - Of knots back here.
Stella: - That's my spine!
Aunt Lisa: No, it's not! Here, let me just get this one right here for you. - (cracks)
Stella: - Oooh, okay, Ow ow, I can't. I just can't. It hurts. I can't feel my legs. - It's over.
Aunt Lisa: - I knew it. Failed again. I shouldn't even try.
Stella: - Aunt Lisa.
Aunt Lisa: - No, it's true, okay? Everything your mom said about me, it's true.
Stella: You know what mom says about you? She says that-- that you're a sweet soul. And that you're the best sister in the world.
Aunt Lisa: - Hmph.
Stella: - She trusted you to look out for me while I'm in L.A. - And I'm so glad that you're here.
Aunt Lisa: - Really?
Stella: - Yeah. You're a great aunt.
Aunt Lisa: - And you know what? - Hmm? I think you could totally be a great massage therapist. - I really think I could.
Stella: - There you go. You know, just research it a little bit. Maybe go online, and...Just learn about what feels good, you know, for humans.
Aunt Lisa: Or I could become a cat masseuse right now.
Stella: Dealer's choice. You know, whatever you do, I believe in you.
Aunt Lisa: Ohhh, thanks, Stella-Bell. - ( cracks ) - oh, sorry.
Stella: You know, I'm just gonna go.

Nick: Ready for another lesson?
Macy: No thanks.
Nick: How about some "Three Blind Mice"? I hear it's a big hit with the kids these days.
Macy: I'm good. (sighs)
Nick: Is something wrong?
Macy: Nick, when I was telling D.Z. All those things girls like in a guy, I was really talking about all the things I like in a guy.
Nick: You were?
Macy: And if I, let's say, found this guy who had all of those qualities, - I'd really hope that he'd like me too.
Nick: - I'd hope so too. - Ow.
Macy: - Nick, it was you. Okay? I was describing you. - Forget it.
Nick: - Macy, wait.
Macy: What?
Nick: What I'm trying to say is I like you. And I've been wanting to tell you ever since I saw you this summer.
Macy: Well, there it is. What took you so long?
Nick: I guess I was just scared.
Macy: If anyone should be scared, it's me.
Nick: - Why?
Macy: - Because this is crazy. You're a rock star and I'm your--
Nick: - Macy.
Macy: - I'm your Macy. I like the sound of that.
Nick: Me too.
Stella: This has been such a weird day. (sighs) It feels good to be home. Do you guys think there's such thing as a cat masseuse? I mean, this is L.A., so there probably is. There are like pet therapists and pet psychics. That's crazy stuff. So what are we doing? Do you want to order in? Like, I'm kind of hungry, but I'm kind of not hungry. You know?

Joe: Hey, guys. Do you mind going over tomorrow's lines with me?
Kevin: Actually, man, you rocked it today. I think when it comes to movies, you're a solo act.
Macy: - Plus you're banned from the set.
Kevin: - Yeah, that too.
Dennis: Holla! Oh, best date ever!
Kevin: - Only date ever.
Macy: - So it went well?
Dennis: Oh yeah, Andrea was definitely feeling me.
Macy: Aww, so you remembered all the stuff I told you about how to act with a girl?
Dennis: Yeah. Kinda. I sort of blocked you out.
Kevin: Well, can't wait to meet her.
Andrea: Yo, D.Z., where you at?
Dennis: Peeps, Andrea; Andrea, peeps.
Andrea: What up, playas? Yo, we gotta scoot. I promised your moms I'd have you back to casa D.Z. Before curfew.
Dennis: Okay. We can just jump in the cool bus. Beep beep beep. (beatboxing) Come on.
Joe: What was that?

America's Sweethearts[edit]

Cast[edit]