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Kangaroo Jack

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Kangaroo Jack is a 2003 film where two childhood friends, Charlie Carbone (Jerry O'Connell) and Louis Booker (Anthony Anderson), get caught up in the mob and forced to deliver $50,000 to North American Desert, losing it to a kangaroo after Louis, thinking the kangaroo's dead, puts his "lucky jacket" on it containing the money.

Directed by David McNally. Written by Steve Bing, Barry O' Brien and Scott Rosenberg.
He stole the money... and he's not giving it back.

Charlie Carbone

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  • [Witnessing Jackie Legs' "death" of being hit by Charlie and Louis' jeep] Oh god. I killed a kangaroo. I never saw it. It's such a beautiful animal. It's the state symbol of Australia, and I've killed it.
  • Getting closer! GETTING CLOSER!?
  • [Louis keeps smashing the jeep into termite mounds] Be careful Louis! You almost missed 1!
  • Closer, Louis?!
  • My brain is frying and I'm losing contact with reality. You don't understand this because this is how you normally function!
  • [to Frankie] Hey, Frankie?! Go long!

Louis Booker

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  • I'm gonna name my first son after you. "Crazy-Ass White Boy".
  • Look, there it is, there! RIGHT THERE!!
  • Can you hold on a second? We're having a very intimate non-gay moment.
  • AHHHHHH!!
  • This mysterious 'Mr. Smith' we're gonna meet? I don't think that's his real name.

Dialogue

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[Sal sits in an armchair, watching his warehouse be raided on the news.]
Sal Maggio: Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.
[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]
Louis: Shh! Waffles!
Charlie: Sal, we can explain...
Sal Maggio: (cuts Charlie off) As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. You chose not to take the Maggio name; I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at your intentions, did I?
Charlie: No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...
Sal Maggio: In fact, I happened to buy a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. [Gestures at the TV] $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you would be dead by now.
Charlie: Look, Sal, we know that you're upset.
Sal Maggio: It's not your fault.
Charlie: What?
Sal Maggio: A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. (To his men) Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.
Louis: Excuse me? Sal? You said he was a mouse, and he had chicken blood. So that would be mouse blood, not chicken blood. Right? [Sal looks at him annoyed; awkwardly] My bad, Sal. I'll be here if you need me.
Louis: Hey, what's in here, man?
[Louis opens the envelope and Frankie pinches Louis' ear unexpectedly]
Frankie Lombardo: You will not look in that envelope under any circumstances, understood?
Louis: I can't hear you--
Frankie Lombardo:[shouts loud enough for Louis to hear him] UNDERSTOOD!?
Louis: [understands him better] Oh, yeah.
Louis: [sobbing hysterically] Charlie? CHARLIE!
Charlie: What?
Louis: The kangaroo got the money!
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Louis: I put the money in the jacket! And the jacket on the kangaroo! And now he hoppin' away!
Charlie: The kangaroo has the money?
Louis: Uh-huh.
Charlie: The kangaroo has Salvatore's $50,000?
Louis:...Yeah.
Charlie: WHO PUTS A JACKET WITH $50,000 ON A KANGAROO?!
Louis: A DEAD KANGAROO! HE WAS DEAD, CHARLIE!
[Blue, the pilot Louis and Charlie hired, crashed his biplane after being hit with a tranquilizer dart intended for Jackie Legs]
Charlie: Are you okay?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Louis: Yeah.
Charlie: Good. Because I am gonna beat you soft, Louis!
Louis: Like this is my fault?!
Charlie: First rule of aviation: You never shoot the pilot!
Blue: [Abruptly sitting up] Assume crash positions!
Louis: [Gesturing at the plane] Blue, we already crashed!?
Blue: [Looking around] Oh, right. No worries then.
[In a dream Charlie is having]
Charlie: [sees Kangaroo Jack] It's you.
Kangaroo Jack: Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket Charlie. It's hard enough to fit my shoulders. Nice! How did you know red was my favorite color?
Charlie: You can talk!
Kangaroo Jack: And I can sing. [singing from "Rapper's Delight] I said a hip hop/Hippie to the hippie/The hip, hip a hop, and you don't stop, a rock it/To the bang bang boogie, say, up jump the boogie/To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.
Charlie: This is great!
Kangaroo Jack: ... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...
Charlie: Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you would find your way clear to give me back my money?
Kangaroo Jack: Money? Oh, you mean that money...
[A pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]
Charlie: Stop that. Stop it! Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...
Sal Maggio: (as a kangaroo) If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?
Charlie: Sal?
Sal Maggio: I ask you to do something for me! This is not that!
Charlie: It wasn't my fault, it was Louis!
Louis: (as a kangaroo) Say what? My fault?! That's how you pay me back after I saved your life?!
Charlie: Louis?
Louis: Next time you drownin' in the ocean... CALL FREE WILLY! Let Willy set you free! You know what, Sal? You were right about him. Chicken blood!
Sal Maggio: Smell it on his father. Smell it on him. Chicken blood.
Kangaroo Jack: Oy! Chicken blood!
Kangaroo Jack, Louis, and Sal Maggio: [chanting] Chicken blood! Chicken blood! Chicken blood!
[Charlie wakes up]
Frankie Lombardo: [Cocks his pistol; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio. He's very disappointed in you, Charlie.
Charlie: Frankie! We got the money. We got it back! [Picks up the package] We got it!
Frankie Lombardo: [Shakes his head] You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal's not disappointed because he cares about the money. He's ‘disappointed' because you two aren't dead. What do think he was payin' Smith 50 grand for?
Louis: You mean we traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?
Frankie Lombardo: [Smiles sinisterly] Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?
Charlie: Not on our part.
Frankie Lombardo: [Prepares to shoot Charlie and Louis] Say good night.
Frankie Lombardo: [as he gets arrested by the police] You pansy-ass retards are dead. You hear me? Dead! I'll slaughter you like veal! I'll wear your eyeballs like jewelry!
Kangaroo Jack: Wait a minute! The movie is called Kangaroo Jack! It should end with me! I'm a serious, classically trained actor. I can sing, I can dance, and I can jump out of the way of explosions-- [slaps himself] Ow! Yeah, no, that's-that's gonna leave a mark. And I can do impersonations. [impersonates Dr. Evil] Come on, people. Throw me a fricking bone. I have a son. I shall call him Mini-Roo. Now, that should be the way you end a film with the star. Someone call my agent! That's all, blokes!

Cast

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