Kappa Mikey

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Kappa Mikey (2005 - ) is a parody of Japanese anime.

The series' protagonist is a teenage actor named Michael Alexander Simon ("Mikey Simon" for short) who travels to Japan to star in an anime, where he discovers his new co-stars are all basically walking anime clichés.

Season 1[edit]

The Switch[edit]

Yes Man: Housewarming present!
Ozu: A window.

[Mikey calls from his home, and his parents answer the phone]
Ms. Simon: Hi, you've reached the Simon residence. If your message is for Ms. Simon, press 1.
Mr. Simon: And if it's for me, Mr. Simon, press 2.
Ms. Simon: And if you're our only child in Japan and you're calling 'cause you're all alone in a big empty room and you miss the comforting sound of another human voice, stay on the line as we read from a list of words chosen at random from the dictionary.
Mr. Simon: "Vernacular."
Ms. Simon: "Flibbertigibbet."
Mr. Simon: "Mortgage."
Ms. Simon: "Pedal."
Mr. Simon: "Disenfranchise."
[Mikey hangs up]

Mikey: Guess it's just you and me tonight, Mirror.
Mirror: Speak for yourself. I have plans.
[The mirror closes itself up]

[Mitsuki watches as Lily and Mikey are loudly arguing with each other outside of Ozu's apartment. Ozu comes out.]
Ozu: [annoyed] What are you doing in front of my door?
Yes Man: Ozu needs Ozu Time!
Lily: [pointing at Mikey] Ozu, Mikey is like the messiest, most inconsiderate human being ever!
Yes Man: He is a star that shines too bright!
Mikey: *She's* the inconsiderate one. She's always nagging me like, "Mi-key, don't eat meals in the shower."
[Lily starts getting mad]
Mikey: "Mikey, don't feed the plants people food."
Mikey: She's the worst roommate!
Mitsuki: I just keep that diary as a joke!
[Everybody stares at Mitsuki and crickets chirp; Mitsuki floats away into the elevator]
Ozu: I understand. Very well. Mikey, you can no longer live with Lily and Mitsuki.
[Lily laughs evilly to herself while Mitsuki starts to cry]
Ozu: Lily and Mitsuki will have to move out!
Mikey: Yes!
[Lily starts growling]
Mikey: I mean... ohh?
Mitsuki: Wait! What about us?
Ozu: You will live somewhere else!
[Gong bongs]
Ozu: Somewhere worse!
Lily: You've GOT to be joking! There aren't even any other rooms in the building!
Ozu: Oh, we'll figure something out.
[Dramatic music plays]

Guano: [spots the key on Gonard's butt; pointing at the key] Gonard! The key! It's stuck to your butt!
Gonard: Huh?! Where?!
[Gonard starts spinning around in circles trying to see the key and starts spinning Guano around too and Guano starts screaming]

Mikey Impossible[edit]

Guano: You didn't destroy Ozu's bonzai tree with a samurai sword did you?
Mikey: Uhhh... kinda.
Mitsuki: Mikey, Ozu's gonna kill you!
Gonard: He'll send you back to America!
Guano: He'll cancel the show!
Mikey: I'll never walk on the moon!
[Mitsuki, Gonard, and Guano all give confused looks to Mikey]
Mikey: What? It's been on my mind.

Lily: Stupid boss awards! Stupid party! Stupid Mikey with his STUPID BONSAI TREE AND HIS STUPID DIAGRAM WITH OZU'S APARTMENT!
[Suddenly, Lily realizes something]
Lily: Mikey! He's trying to switch Ozu's bonsai tree! When I tell Ozu, Mikey's finished! [laughs evilly]

Mikey: I'm sorry about the cameraman.
Ozu: Cameraman? What cameraman?
[The scene switches to Yoshi, who is still standing in the same spot covered in poisoned spines]
Yoshi: Okay, keep calm.

Robot #1: Answer my riddle to pass. What has 4 legs in the--
[Mikey walks past anyway]
Robot #2: What?! He didn't answer the riddle!
Robot #1: [deep voice] Don't start, Steve!

Guano: Everyone remember their assignments? I'll go deactivate the alarm!
Mikey: I'll switch the broken bonsai with the new one!
Gonard: I'll go make a sandwich in the kitchen!

[Lily's cellphone rings]
Lily: Lily speaking.
Mitsuki: [deep voice] Hello, Lily. My name is Mr. Suzuki.
Gonard: And I'm Mr. Tadoshiwaroshikopentaru... waki-san. You can call me "Mr.?"

Mikey: Okay, there has to be a way to replace that stupid bonsai!
Gonard: It's 500 years old!
Guano: Listen, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a botanist who knows a wizard who knows a magical princess who knows a...
Mitsuki: I just ordered one on Tree Trade.
Guano: But I... always Tree Trade!

Ship of Fools[edit]

Mikey : When i will get the game i will be like (does game stuff , and then suddenly he bumps into a fake mikey) Mikey : Sorry Bout That !

Fake Mikey : No Worries My Man !

(each mikey walks away and look to each other , and the fake mikey goes to mitsuki and lily and guano)

Mitsuki : There you are mikey !

Fake Mikey : oh ? Oh yeah Here i am ! Mikey Simon

Lily : Why are you wearing sunglasses ?

Fake Mikey : Because Your Beauty is Blinding (lily likes what he said , and mitsuki gets a bit angry)

Fake Mikey : Say , how bout some ice cream ? i know this jord next door .. if you're intrested ?

Mitsuki : You dont want the new video game ?

Fake Mikey : Video games are for kids !

  • lily and mitsuki shocked*

Fake Mikey : Now who want ice creams shaped in clowns ?

Guano : I do ! *raises hand*

Fake Mikey : Not This Time Pal , And Shine your shoes Kid , You Look A Mess *Walks Away*

Guano : I .. dont even have shoes

Saving Face[edit]

Socky: Stay socky!

Gonard: Relax Mikey, it's just a dimple.
Guano: Not a dimple, Gonard. A pimple.
Gonard:.....You're a monster!!!

Lily: Be honest, Mitsuki. Did I lose my endorsement to Socky because I'm not beautiful anymore?
Mitsuki: That's crazy! You look great! Doesn't she, mirror?
Mirror: Looking great, Gonard.

Lost in Transportation[edit]

Beef: You ain't going nowhere.
[an alarm sounds]
Gang member: Grammar police! You aren't going anywhere.
Beef: Man, the Grammar Police is always doggin me...

(This is said on occasion by the Chums)
Chums: Chums! Chum it up! Ssssssss...

Ozu: [to Lily] Have you talked to Mitsuki? Did she find Mikey?
Lily: Not yet, but Gonard says he has a back up plan
Gonard: (to the children) Maybe one day, you'l all be supeheroes when you grow up. Isn't that right, Mikey?
[A cat is dressed as Kappa Mikey and starts attacking Gonard]

The Fugi-Kid[edit]

Prosecutor: Ozu, do you think Mikey stole the coat?
Ozu: If Mikey says he didn't take the coat, I believe him.
Prosecutor: But didn't Mikey destroy your precious 500 year old bansai tree, then lie about it?
Ozu: Yes! [voice building with anger]
Prosecutor: And did he buy a pirated video game when you told him not to?
Ozu: Yes! [saying very angrily]
Prosecutor: And didn't he reveal Lilymu's secrets to the press?
Ozu: Yes! [saying with fury as he catches on fire]
Mikey: That was a good one.
Prosecutor:Let the records show that Ozu is surrounded by flame.
[Yes Man douses Ozu with an extinguisher]

Judge: Mr. Simon, In light of this terrible crime and the fact that you BROKE MY GAVEL. I sentence you to life in prison.

(It has been proven that Mikey was framed, but the police finds him in Lilymu Towers. The gang are all in Gonard's apartment.)
Gonard: Friends stick together. (outside to the police) Mikey's with us! If you arrest him, you have to arrest all of us!
Detective: Fine. You're all under arrest.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
Gonard: You'll have to come and get us!
Detective: Fine. We'll come and get you.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
Gonard: Take the elevator! From my experience, it's faster.
Detective: Fine. We'll take the elevator.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)

Mikey Likes It (Garbage)[edit]

Gonard: (while under a fallen tower of ice) I think I broke one of my livers.
Lily: You only have one liver.
Gonard: How many do I need to live?
Lily: One.
Gonard: ...I'm in trouble.

Mikey: (sees a pile of rotting garbage) Ew. Good luck recycling that.
(Garbage goes through a machine and comes out as a bouquet of roses)
Mikey: So that's where those come from.

[Ozu pits Lily and Gonard together as Tokyo's newest celebrity couple]
Lily: EW! I can't date Gonard, he's... (looks to see Gonard blowing his nose with the table cloth)...Gonard!
Gonard: Yeah, I can't date Gonard! He's way out of my league!

(Gonard walks into the Finest Restaurant in Tokyo carrying a small bouquet of roses. A lady walks up to him)
Woman #1: (sympathetically) I am so sorry.
(Gonard is confused)
Woman #2: Just because she's famous, she shouldn't treat you that way.
(Gonard's more confused. A man then comes up with tears in his eyes. He hugs Gonard tightly and cries)
Crying man: You'll always have the memories!
Gonard: Why is everyone confusing me with some loser who got dumped by a celebrity girlfriend?

Lily: [hesistant] Gonard, listen. Ozu told me we need to generate even more publicity.
Gonard: Okay, I'll do it. (puts on a blonde beehive-style wig) Anything for the show.

[Lily and Gonard have been "split up" by Guano]
Guano: What makes you think she would choose you over me anyway?
Gonard:(Talking while eating spaghetti) Because I am a gentleman!
Man: Excuse me, that's my food.
Gonard: (Still with mouth full) AND IT IS DELICIOUS!

Mikey: If I broke this vase, you'de want me to replace it, right? Well, think of this vase as your irreplacable memories. (drops it on the ground and breaks)
Mitsuki: (tearing up) I made that vase when I was four.
Mikey: And I'll replace it!

[Ozu and Lily look on as Gonard and Guano prepare to duel each other]
Ozu: I don't think this is a good idea.
Lily: Relax, they do this all the time...
(Flashbacks of Gonard and Guano's previous duels are shown, such as hitting each other with paddles while in Colonial costume, banjo play-offs in Old Western clothing, and breakdance-offs in hip-hop clothes)
Gonard: Ready?
Guano: (puts on a pirate hat) Ready. Enguard!
(They start pelting each other with water balloons)

(Mikey leaves a note on the back of Mitsuki's photo album, apologizing for all he's done
Mikey's voice: Dear Mitsuki, I'm sorry I lost your pictures...
(Mitsuki has a sorrowful look on her face)
Mikey's voice: ...and I'm sorry I lied to you...
(Mitsuki has a mean look on her face)
Mikey's voice: ...and I'm sorry I broke your microwave...
(Mitsuki has a look of disbelief on her face)
Mikey's voice: ...I put tinfoil in it because I thought it would make it shoot lightening at people...
(Mitsuki has an annoyed look on her face)
Mikey's voice: ...I probably didn't need to tell you that last thing. Oh well, too late now.

Kappa Mikey Pilot[edit]

Ozu: I...HATE...CARDS!

Gonard: (shoes on his hands) Check out my laced gloves! Hey, where'd my shoes go?

Ozu: This is for you.
(Mikey opens the box and sees a pack of Kappa Mikey trading cards)
Mikey: Cards?...Mikey Simon cards!
Ozu: Let's just keep this between you and me.

Mikey: I thought we weren't using cards
Guano: These are not cards. They're....ACTION TIME FUN SQUARES!
Simon: Look, kid. I'll make this short because I don't care about hurting your feelings. YOU...CANT...ACT!
Mikey: Uh, did you see the headshots?

Easy Come, Easy Gonard[edit]

Guano: I'm not a doll!
Mr. Tatami: That's what all our dolls are programmed to say.
Guano toys: I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! (repeatedly)


Mikey: It's true, I did it.

Yes-Man: I haven't eaten in weeks!

Mikey: Anyway, After the game I picked up Gonard. We ran into a little trouble on the way to Ozu's but it was nothing we couldn't handle.
Mikey: (In flash back) Those Aliens have been tailing us since Montoya Blvd.
Gonard: (In flash back) I'm on it! {Fires lazer)
Mikey: (In flash back) Wooooo ha ha ha!

(end of flashback)

Gonard: (Hand on heart) True Story.

Lily Meow[edit]

Ozu: What should we do with the cat?
Lily: Fire him!
Mitsuki: Deport him!
Cat Burgler: May I suggest a stir fry?

Cat Burglar: You know the expression, 'There's only one way to skin a cat'? Actually, there's only one way, with this. (Pulls out a bizarre looking machine with a hook, knife, sickel, and another blade all spinning simultaneously)

Big Trouble in Little Tokyo[edit]

  • Gonard: Rurr Rurr!
  • Ozu: Very Good!

(Beast Gonard grabs Ozu)

  • Ozu: Very Bad!

The Good, the Bad, and the Mikey[edit]

Mikey: W'ever

Guano: Mikey, you have to do what the script says!

Mikey: Script is just a prison, made of words.

Ozu(later):You must go back to being the old Mikey and be a good example for kids.

Mikey: W'ever.

Ozu: You have to do what I say! I'm your boss!

Mikey: Boss is just a prison, made of skin.

Ozu: That dosen't make any sense!

Mikey: Well, not to a fossil like you.

Big Brozu[edit]

Brozu (to Lily): Your daddy must be a doctor, cuz you are the sickest girl I ever saw.

Brozu (to Mikey): I thought we waz tight!

Mikey: We were tight, but I gotta do this bro. . . for my homezees, and for Ozu!

Battle of the Bands[edit]

Yes Man: There's no going back now!

Robot: I know, I know...

Reality Bites[edit]

Ozu: That was the worst thing I have ever seen!

Guano: It was just getting to the good part...?

Lily (reading the script): "I am going to fight you"? "We are fighting now"? "Thank you for fighting me in the face"?

Gonard: If that's not sophisticated enough, then call me unsophisticated (begins to pick his nose and ears simultaneously)

Gonard (going through a photo album): This is me wrestling aligators. Oh, and this is me playing ping-pong on the moon. And this is when I invented penecillan at the prom.

Mikey: These are all just you holding sandwiches.

Gonard: Jealous?

Guano: Can I say something? I think Lily's a big fake! With her fake being nice for the camera, and her fake pancakes, and her fake eyebrows!

Lily: This whole show is fake! This isn;t even my real room! It's a set!

Guano: Lily's so full of herself! Plus, she's kind of has a mustache. Lily: This isn't the confesstion room!

La Cage Aux Mikey[edit]

Lily: Well, if you really are Mikey's parents, then you must know a lot about him.

Guano: When's Mikey's birthday?

Gonard: What's Mikey's name?

Mitsuki: (mimical gestures while an accordian plays in the background)

With Fans Like These...[edit]

Gonard: Sorry I'm late; I had to get beat up by some nerds. Ready?
Lily: Yeah. Remember, you're good cop, I'm bad cop.
Gonard: Got it. So, Guano, how would you like a punch in the gut?
Lily: [Through teeth] Gonard! Good cop!
Gonard: I mean, how would you like a kiss...in the gut?
[Guano looks confused.]
Lily: [Shouting] You're gonna do our subliminal messages or else!
Guano: [Angry] Or else what?
Gonard: [Holding a small harp] Or else I'm gonna sing you the sweetest love song you ever heard!
[Singing] Guano! Sweet Guano!
[Guano looks horrified.]
Gonard: Fuzzy little guy I love so much,
Jewel in the chest,
So fun to touch!
Guano, sweet Guano...
Guano: Uh...
Gonard: Guano, sweet Guano! Corazón bo bo bo...

The Man Who Would be Mikey[edit]

  • Man: Hey, my newspaper!
  • Ozu: Hey, my Yes Man!

  • Mikey: This should do the job.
  • Man: Beautiful, sword eye, this called the Dragon's Spike, pops you heard the legend.
  • Mikey: Of course, so this is what they use to stop Manzilla.
  • Man: Now, the Dragon's has been a history of dark and TWISTED!
  • Mikey: Oh, the Dragon's Spike, I thought you said the Dragon's Bike, anyway I'm sure no one would mind if I take her out for a little spin.
  • Man: (laughs evily) No one will not pull it from the stone. Thousands of tribe it all it fails, the grass, the blade is to...

(Mikey pulls the blade out)

  • Mikey: See ya later.
  • Man: Spike? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Uh Oh Guano[edit]

Guano: (to a cactus) Chester! Would you please be quiet?!

("Chester" says nothing)

Guano: Don't back-sass me!

The Phantom of the Soundstage[edit]

Like Ozu, Like Son[edit]

Gonard: M...O...G!

LaFemme Mitsuki[edit]

The Order of the Oni[edit]

  • Guano: Ozu is world's strongest man!

A Christmas Mikey[edit]

  • Mikey: Gonard! You're not evil!
  • Gonard: Thanks, I've been using a new deoderant.
  • Ozu: Eat the stocking... EAT IT! (shoves christmas stocking in Yes-man's mouth)

Mikey, Dr. Takashi Katashi and the Worm[edit]

Mikey and Dr. Takashi: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Dr. Takashi: You were right and I was wrong. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Are ya happy now?
Mikey: I knew it!

See also[edit]

Television shows

External links[edit]


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