Kappa Mikey

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Kappa Mikey (2006–08) is an American animated sitcom, created by Larry Schwarz about a teenage actor from Cleveland, Ohio who wins a scratch-off card contest and a trip to Japan to star in the country's formerly popular anime series LilyMu. As a result, the show becomes number one in the ratings and Mikey becomes Japan's biggest anime star.

Season 1 (2006–07)[edit]

The Lost Pilot[edit]

Ozu: This is for you.
(Mikey opens the box and sees a pack of Kappa Mikey trading cards)
Mikey: Cards? ...Mikey Simon cards!
Ozu: Let's just keep this between you and me.

Simon: Look, kid. I'll make this short because I don't care about hurting your feelings. YOU... CAN'T... ACT!
Mikey: Uh, did you see the head shots?

Gonard (in girl's voice): Please let him go!
Gonard (in William Shatner voice): You'll... have to... kill me first.
Gonard (in girl's voice): You mean like this?
(Gonard fights himself)
Guano: Gonard, what are you doing? You're already on the show.
Gonard: Oh... right. (embarrassed chuckle)
Ozu: This is terrible. All these actors stink.
Gonard: That last guy was good.
Ozu: That was you!

Mikey: You don't want me back, Guano. I'd just screw everything up.
Guano: Of course you wouldn't. That's what Gonard's for.

(scene cuts to Gonard serenely nodding his head twice)


(Mikey stumbles into LilyMu studios)

Mitsuki: OMG! Mikey, are you okay?
Gonard: Of course he's not okay! He's wearing sunglasses indoors!

Guano: But we already have a brilliant cast!

(Gonard puts his running shoes on his hands)

Gonard: Dude! Check out my laced gloves! Hey! Where'd my shoes go?

(Guano slaps his own forehead in frustration)


Lily: Yeah, it's Guano's show. Fire him, not the rest of us.
Guano: You're gonna find somebody else who can write and direct a new episode every week? Not to mention memorize all my character's lines?
Lily: All your character says is "Guano!"
Guano: That's what makes it a challenging role!

Ozu: People are losing interest in LilyMu. Even that show about the dancing sandwiches is more popular now.

(Yes Man holds up a placard with a dancing sandwich with arms and legs holding a top hat and cane)

The Switch[edit]

[Mikey calls from his home, and his parents answer the phone]

Ms. Simon: Hi, you've reached the Simon residence. If your message is for Ms. Simon, press 1.
Mr. Simon: And if it's for me, Mr. Simon, press 2.
Ms. Simon: And if you're our only child in Japan and you're calling 'cause you're all alone in a big empty room and you miss the comforting sound of another human voice, stay on the line as we read from a list of words chosen at random from the dictionary.
Mr. Simon: "Vernacular."
Ms. Simon: "Flibbertigibbet."
Mr. Simon: "Mortgage."
Ms. Simon: "Pedal."
Mr. Simon: "Disenfranchise."

[Mikey hangs up]


Mikey: Guess it's just you and me tonight, Mirror.
Mirror: Speak for yourself. I have plans.

[The mirror closes itself up]


Mikey: Look, it's my apartment, and if I want to watch TV in the bathroom, or hide a frog in Lily's underwear drawer, or spill soda on the floor, or throw a bunch of stuff out the window...

Lily: Ozu, Mikey is like the messiest, most inconsiderate human being ever!
Yes-Man: He is a star that shines too bright!
Mikey: She's the inconsiderate one. She's always nagging me like "Mike-ay, don't eat meals in the shower," "Mikey, don't feed the plants people food."
Lily: He's the worst roommate!
Mikey: She's the worst roommate!
Mitsuki: I just keep that diary as a joke.

(Crickets chirp)


Mikey: Look. I wanted to show you guys what a great roommate I can be. So I made you this quilt. Each piece represents a different special memory we've shared. Lily, this is from when I broke your grandma's vase. Mitsuki, this is from when I cut up some of your clothes to make a quilt.
Mitsuki: And this part?
Mikey: That's just some pages I took out of your diary. Uh hey, who's this Mickey guy you're always writing about?
Mitsuki: (tearing up) You really shouldn't go through people's things, Mikey!

Mikey: And I took out the garbage.
Lily: That wasn't garbage! It was Mitsuki's doll collection!
Mitsuki: (tearing up) It's okay. I wanted to throw those dolls out. It's why I collect them.

Guano: There. Two barrels of cement says this tower isn't going anywhere.
Yoshi: Ozu says move the box tower 5 feet to the left.

Ozu: Very well. Mikey Simon will live in LilyMu Towers.
Yes-Man: The impossible is possible with Ozu!
Mikey: Boo-yah!

Mikey: There's only one thing I want, but it's too much. Even you couldn't get it for me.
Ozu: What is this mysterious thing you speak of?
Yes Man: A dragon! That is my guess.

Ozu: Here, we have something else for you. (Ozu hands Mikey a stick thing)
Mikey: What is it?
Ozu: We don't know. We found it on the street.
Yes-Man: Garbage!

Lily: This is so unfair. Ozu always gives you everything.
Mikey: What? No he doesn't.
Ozu: Hey, Mikey! Look what I am giving you now! Lily's stereo! Oh, good. Lily is here. She can show you how to use it.

Ozu: There hasn't been a free room in LilyMu Towers for years.
Yes Man: Centuries!
Ozu: Even the prime minister wants a room there.
Yes Man: And he has a sword!

Gonard: We should get going. The LilyMu Towers water slide opens in a few minutes.
Mikey: You guys have water slides?
Gonard: Yeah, but only on every other floor. We used to have daily pizza parties too, but someone kept sitting on the pizza. Later Mikey.

Mikey: Hey, maybe I should move into LilyMu Towers.
Mitsuki: Move into LilyMu Towers?
Mikey: Yeah. We could hang out everyday.
Mitsuki: Everyday?
Mikey: Yeah. We'll practically be roommates.
Mitsuki: We'll practically be married?!
Mikey: Huh?

Mitsuki: Hey Mikey. Those boxes really compliment your eyes.
Mikey: What'd you say?
Mitsuki: (rewinds) Hey, Mikey. So you're moving soon?

Mikey Impossible[edit]

Guano: You didn't destroy Ozu's bonsai tree with a samurai sword, did you?
Mikey: Uhhh... kinda.
Mitsuki: Mikey, Ozu's gonna kill you!
Gonard: He'll send you back to America!
Guano: He'll cancel the show!
Mikey: I'll never walk on the moon!

[Mitsuki, Gonard, and Guano all give confused looks to Mikey]

Mikey: What? It's been on my mind.

Mikey: Okay! There has to be a way to replace that stupid bonsai!
Gonard: It's 500 years old!
Guano: Listen, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a botanist who knows a wizard who knows a magical princess who knows a--
Mitsuki: I just ordered one on Tree Trade.
Guano: But I... always Tree Trade!

Ozu: My last vacation was in 1970. I remember it well.

(flashback to Ozu in a conference room with some employees)

Ozu: Vacation time!

(walks off screen for a few seconds, then walks back on in a Hawaiian tourist outfit)

Ozu: Vacation over.

Ozu: You're all fired!
Lily: But I'm the boss!
Ozu: Not anymore!
Yes Man: Worst boss ever!
Gonard: But what'll happen to the show?
Ozu: It's cancelled! Either that or Yes Man will play all your parts.
Yes Man: Yes! My big break!

Ozu: Mikey, I have decided to keep LilyMu on the air. You have your job back.
Mikey: Yeah.
Lily: Can I still be boss?
Ozu: Never! But you can still do the show. We all know Yes Man can't act.

Guano: We're done for!
Gonard: I know. Ozu's out of mayonnaise.
Guano: NOT THAT! Mikey just destroyed the new bonsai tree.
Mikey: I'm really sorry, guys.
Gonard: If only we had brought mayonnaise.

Mikey: Guano, come in. This is Red Eagle. The moose is in the supermarket. I repeat, the moose is in the supermarket.
Guano: What are you talking about?
Mikey: I'm next to the bonsai.

Robot #1: Answer my riddle to pass. What has four legs in the...

(Mikey walks past)

Robot #2: What? He didn't answer the riddle.
Robot #1: Don't start, Steve.

Lily: Stupid boss awards! Stupid party! Stupid Mikey with his stupid bonsai tree and his stupid diagram of Ozu's apartment! (pauses) Mikey! He's trying to switch Ozu's bonsai tree! When I tell Ozu, Mikey's finished! (laughs evilly)

Guano: Everyone remember their assignments? I'll go deactivate the alarm.
Mikey: I'll switch the broken banzai with the new one.
Gonard: I'll go make a sandwich in the kitchen!

Mitsuki: How are we going to pull this off?
Mikey: Relax Mitsuki. Everyone knows how to sneak past a hi-tech security system. I broke into the LilyMu Studios once and noone knew.

(Musical scene of Mikey dancing with dogs in underwear)

Mikey: I'll be in my undies in no time.

Guano: Relax, Ozu's still on vacation. We have plenty of time to break in.
Ozu: Oh, by the way, I'll be back in 15 minutes.
Mikey: But, I thought you were still on vacation.
Ozu: I am. I'm vacationing at the airport.
Yes Man: Yes! Very effecient!

(Phone rings)

Lily: Lily speaking.
Mitsuki: (deep voice) Hello, Lily. My name is Mr. Suzuki.
Gonard: And I'm Mr. Tadoshiwaroshikopentaru... waki-san. You can call me mister?

Ozu: Mikey, I just wanted to brag about my state of the art security system. It's unbeatable. It's got laser fields, motion sensors, guard dogs, robots who tell riddles. You know, unbeatable. Well that's about all. I still love my banzai tree.
Yes Man: Ozu out!

Gonard: Relax Mikey, the last time someone got Ozu angry, everything turned out fine.

(Gonard recalls flashback)

Yoshi: Here you go Ozu.
Ozu: Milk and sugar?
Yoshi: Oooh...

(Ozu gets angry, Yoshi seen tied above flames, end flashback)

Gonard: And no one ever saw Yoshi again.
Yoshi: Hey guys!

Ozu: Rule #4883 - No one, not even a curious American, can go near my 500 year old banzai tree. Rule #4884 - No one should touch my priceless samurai sword. Which legend has it, will only destroy my beloved banzai tree. Oh, and one last rule, make sure to take a shower.

Ozu: Rule #1 - Be in bed by 9 o'clock
Yes Man: Make it 8!
Ozu: Rule #2 - Don't play with your food.
Yes Man: No food for anyone!
Ozu: Rule #3 - Always wear seat belt.
Yes Man: Even when you sleep!

Ship of Fools[edit]

Mikey: When I will get the game I will be like [does game stuff , and then suddenly he bumps into a fake Mikey]
Mikey: Sorry 'bout that!
Fake Mike: No worries, my man.
[each Mikey walks away and look to each other, and the fake Mikey goes to Mitsuki, Lily and Guano]
Mitsuki: There you are Mikey!
Fake Mikey: Oh? Oh yeah Here I am! Mikey Simon.
Lil: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Fake Mikey: Because your beauty is blinding. [Lily likes what he said, and Mitsuki gets a bit angry]

Fake Mikey: Say , how bout some ice cream? I know this jord next door .. if you're interested?
Mitsuki: You don't want the new video game?
Fake Mikey: Video games are for kids!
[Lily and Mitsuki are shocked]
Fake Mikey: Now who want ice creams shaped in clowns?
Guano: I do! [raises hand]
Fake Mikey: Not this time pal. And shine your shoes kid, you look like a mess. [walks away]
Guano: I .. don't even have shoes'

Mikey: No I'm Mikey.
Fan 1: No I'm Mikey.
Fan 2: No I'm Mikey.
Fan 3: I'm Sparticus.
All the other fans: I'm Mikey.

Mikey: This calls for drastic measures.

(Gonard grabs a giant hammer)

Gonard: Yeah!
Mikey: Not that drastic.

Guano: I can't believe we lost the Super Gonard balloon.
Lily: You mean Mikey lost it.
Mikey: I like to think of it as my gift to Tokyo.

(shift to scene with people running from the Super Gonard balloon)

Man: Why Gonard, why!?!

Saving Face[edit]

Guano: Once upon a time there was a huge anime star with a tiny pimple. He didn't think it was a big deal either...then people found out about the pimple and he never worked again!

(everyone gasps)

Guano: Or so I've heard...

Gonard: Mikey who cares? Its just a dimple
Guano: Not a dimple Gonard, a pimple.
Gonard: YOU'RE A MONSTER!

Socky: (rapping) I keep your feet warm I make your body sweat, you think your shoes are fly? Well you ain't seen nothing yet!
Girl dancers: Socky! Oh, oh, oh! Socky!

Editor: Mikey! Please have a seat!
Mikey: You printed everything I told you not to!
Editor: Yes I suppose I did! Very sorry about that...nothing personal
Mikey: It was all personal!
Editor: Yes... I suppose it was!

Guano: Who could leave such horrible rumors in the paper?
Gonard: Who indeed
Guano: Mitsuki was with Lily the whole time
Gonard: Indeed.
Guano: Yes Man and Ozu never left the studio.
Gonard: Indeed.
Guano: And I was teaching you to speak with a british accent
Gonard: (In a british accent) Rather.
Guano: That leaves only 1 person...

(drum roll)

Gonard: Gonard
Guano: What?! You did it?
Gonard: No.

Lily: Be honest, Mitsuki. Did I lose my endorsement to Socky because I'm not beautiful anymore?
Mitsuki: That's crazy! You look great! Doesn't she, Mirror?
Mirror: Looking great, Gonard.

The Fugi-Kid[edit]

Prosecutor: Ozu, do you think Mikey stole the coat?
Ozu: If Mikey says he didn't take the coat, I believe him.
Prosecutor: But didn't Mikey destroy your precious 500 year old bansai tree, then lie about it?
Ozu: Yes! [voice building with anger]
Prosecutor: And did he buy a pirated video game when you told him not to?
Ozu: Yes! [saying very angrily]
Prosecutor: And didn't he reveal Lilymu's secrets to the press?
Ozu: Yes! [saying with fury as he catches on fire]
Mikey: That was a good one.
Prosecutor:Let the records show that Ozu is surrounded by flame.
[Yes Man douses Ozu with an extinguisher]

(It has been proven that Mikey was framed, but the police finds him in Lilymu Towers. The gang are all in Gonard's apartment.)
Gonard: Friends stick together. (outside to the police) Mikey's with us! If you arrest him, you have to arrest all of us!
Detective: Fine. You're all under arrest.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
Gonard: You'll have to come and get us!
Detective: Fine. We'll come and get you.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)
Gonard: Take the elevator! From my experience, it's faster.
Detective: Fine. We'll take the elevator.
(Mikey, Lily, Mitsuki and Guana slap their foreheads in disbelief)

Mikey Likes It[edit]

Gonard: (while under a fallen tower of ice) I think I broke one of my livers.
Lily: You only have one liver.
Gonard: How many do I need to live?
Lily: One.
Gonard: ...I'm in trouble.

Mikey: (sees a pile of rotting garbage) Ew. Good luck recycling that.
(Garbage goes through a machine and comes out as a bouquet of roses)
Mikey: So that's where those come from.

Lily:(Refering to the resturant) This place is so... romantic.
Gonard: Yeah, like an eating contest.

Guano:(Refering to Lily) What makes you think she would choose you?
Gonard:(Talking while eating spaghetti) Because I am a gentleman!
Man: Excuse me, that's mine.
Gonard: And it is delicious!

Gonard: I think I broke one of my livers.
Lily: You only have one liver.
Gonard: How many do I need to live?
Lily: One.
Gonard: I'm in trouble.

Easy Come, Easy Gonard[edit]

Mikey: This is embarrassing, Gonard. Only kids sell lemonade!
Gonard: Not true. Those kids over there are selling particle accelerators.
Kid at Particle Accelerator Stand: Frankly, I'm embarrassed for you.

Mitsuki: Ooh! Let's go to the Tatami megastore. They've got everything!
Gonard: Yeah! That's where I bought my virtual reality machine.

(places toaster on head, covering his eyes)

Mikey: Awesome!
Guano: It's just a toaster he found in the street.
Gonard: It's like I'm... on a roller coaster! Woo hoo! (runs hard into a wall) Oof!

Mikey: Well, I'm out of schemes. You got any ideas, Gonard?
Gonard: Yes, but I need forty stout men, a car made of chocolate and all the pickled clams we can lay our hands on.
Mikey: Oookay, any other ideas?
Gonard: About pickled clams?

(Team Lilymu is escaping from the Tatami Room):

Gonard: I wasn't cool at the lemonade stand either. Buds again?
Mikey: Sure. You can't put a price on a good friend.
Gonard: Even 50 gajillin megabillion?
Mikey: (intrigued) I'm listening.

Gonard: (to Mr. Tatami) You're stupid Tatami Room doesn't scare us!

(Mikey places a ViewMaster in front of Gonard's eyes)

Gonard: See? That doesn't look so--(Mikey hits the slide button on the ViewMaster) Oh, the humanity!

Guano: I'm not a doll!
Mr. Tatami: That's what all our dolls are programmed to say.
Guano toys: I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! I'm not a doll! (repeatedly)

Lily Meow[edit]

Mikey: I can't believe we were fired from the show.
Gonard: (Holding a prop and then tossing it down a trash bin) Goodbye LilyMu Blaster, I guess I'll never shoot you again. (Holding his costume pants and tossing it down a trash bin) Goodbye LilyMu pants, I guess I'll never look awesome in you again. (Holding his pants and then tossing it down a trash bin) Goodbye normal pants. In retrospect, there was nothing wrong with you.

Gonard: So the cat's cute? It's not like it's got anything else going for it.
Reporter on TV: Here is Kello taking the Silver Medal in Olympic Downhill Skiing!
Mikey: Why did I lend him those skis?

Guano: You just need time to adjust. On Lily's first day, she tripped over a camera. Then on Gonard's first day, he mistakenly ate a box full of light-bulbs.
Gonard: You mean, glass apples.

(Kello the Kitten gets on the camera)

Guano: What's that on the camera?
Gonard: A UFO?
Lily: That's not a UFO.

(Gonard holds a sub sandwich)

Gonard: Lily, I think I know a UFO when I see one. Hey! Who's been eating my UFO?

Cat Burglar: You know the expression, 'There's only one way to skin a cat'? Actually, there's only one way, with this. (Pulls out a bizarre looking machine with a hook, knife, sickel, and another blade all spinning simultaneously)

Splashomon[edit]

Mitsuki: (in southern accent, wearing bonnet) Gonard you have to eat that lobster!
Gonard: (in southern accent, wearing a cowboy hat) I reckon I do!

Reginald: It is I, Sir Reginald, the handsomest man in the world, come to present you with this overly large diamond.

(Holds up diamond)

Lily: Oh Reginald!
Tapias:(Jumps onto balcony holding diamond identical to Reginald's Lily?
Lily: Tapias I never doubted you for a second.
Tapias: Then I shall fight you for Lily!
Reginald: Have at you!

Mikey: Anyway, After the game I picked up Gonard. We ran into a little trouble on the way to Ozu's but it was nothing we couldn't handle.
Mikey: (In flash back) Those Aliens have been tailing us since Montoya Blvd.
Gonard: (In flash back) I'm on it! (Fires lazer)
Mikey: (In flash back) Wooooo ha ha ha!
(end of flashback)
Gonard: (Hand on heart) True Story.

The Good, the Bad, and the Mikey[edit]

Mikey: W'ever
Guano: Mikey, you have to do what the script says!
Mikey: Script is just a prison, made of words.
Ozu(later):You must go back to being the old Mikey and be a good example for kids.
Mikey: W'ever.
Ozu: You have to do what I say! I'm your boss!
Mikey: Boss is just a prison, made of skin.
Ozu: That dosen't make any sense!
Mikey: Well, not to a fossil like you.

Guano: (standing on top of the bus) For the last time, I'm not filled with candy!
Girl: Prove it!

(Guano screams and lands on Gonard's hands and Mikey and Gonard start running)

Gonard: The candy is mine! Fine, you can have some too.

Guano: Mikey! Stop! Ozu's gonna be furious!
Mikey: Then I got news for Ozu, w'ever!

Ozu: You started a riot!?
Mikey: Ah, no!

(A chair flies in through a window)

Crowd: Riot! Riot! Riot!

Yes Man: For the greater good!
Kid 1: He supports the greater good!
Kid 2: Get him!

(Looking at a statue of Ozu)

Mikey: Look at him, all smug and bronze like the real Ozu.

Mikey: A boss is just a prison made of skin.
Ozu: That doesn't make sense!

Sumo of All Fears[edit]

Lily: And in this corner... Two guys wearing masks!

(Sumos cheer)

Lily: And a short, smelly guy wearing a mask!
Guano: OH, COME ON!!

Mikey: Hey guys! We need to fight some sumos.
Lily, Mitsuki, and Gonard: US?
Mikey: I can't fight by myself! Come on!
Gonard: (In a Britsh accent) Very well! Lily, fetch my sword and a team of horses. Mitsuki, carry me into battle!

(Both girls give him angry looks)

Gonard: Just kidding.

Mikey: I don't feel like I'm getting stronger.
Janitor: Ah, but Mikey, you are getting stronger! In fact, you are my best student I ever taught.
Guano: What about me?
Janitor: Ah, yes, you are my worst.

Lost in Transportation[edit]

Beef: You ain't goin' nowhere.
[an alarm sounds]
Gang member: Grammar police! You aren't going anywhere.
Beef: Man, the Grammar Police is always doggin' me...

Ozu: [to Lily] Have you talked to Mitsuki? Did she find Mikey?
Lily: Not yet, but Gonard says he has a back up plan.
Gonard: (to the children) Maybe one day, you'll all be superheroes when you grow up. Isn't that right, Mikey?
[A cat is dressed as Kappa Mikey and starts attacking Gonard]

Gonard: (talking on cell phone) Mikey, you gotta get here. They're gonna put out the cake soon, and I think I ate the box with all the candles in it.

Beef: We're all outcasts, kid. That's what makes us Chums. That, and a small monthly membership fee.

Beef: Mikey, I've got a special surprise for you.
Mikey: You're gonna throw another snake down my shirt?

Mr. Stereo: This is wonderful! Thank you, Ozu! Only a true friend would save my son's birthday with a gang of dangerous bikers!

Lily: Hey, kids!
[The children cheer]
Timmy: Lily, do your move!
[Lily giggles and performs a karate kick]
Lily: Hi-ya!
[Timmy becomes enraged]
Timmy: NO! DO THE MOVE WHERE YOU INTRODUCE MIKEY!

Big Trouble in Little Tokyo[edit]

(Mega Gonard rampages around Tokyo)

Random Man: Oh no! The Fireworks factory!

(Gonard steps on factory, fireworks shoot up into the sky)

Random Man: Not the wolf factory!

(Gonard steps on factory, barking wolves run out of the factory)


Guano: Mikey, for once just listen to me. Let's Go!
Mikey: Not till I touch Gonard with the Death Hand!
Gonard: Yeah! I wanna know the slumber of lost souls.

Hideous Blue Blob: Do not go in there.
Mikey: You heard the monster. Let's check it out.

Guano: Does this mean you're gonna let me go?
Dr. Igor: Ha! Of course not. But, I'll try to make this as pleasant as possible. Set the laser to maximum pain!

Dr. Igor: Citizens of Tokyo! For too long, you have ignored Dr. Igor! For too long have you denied me the respect I deserve! Now it's- It's-
Guano: Payback time?
Dr. Igor: Yes! It's payback time! Unless you give me everything I want, I will use my Size-Mo-Lazer and Guano's Power Crystal to make myself incredibly small!
Guano: Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but maybe you should make yourself bigger instead of smaller?
Dr. Igor: Hmmm... bigger. Good idea. I shall make myself enormous and then I'll- I'll...
Guano: Destroy all of Tokyo.
Dr. Igor: Destroy all of Tokyo!

Mitsuki: Gonard hit both four and nine and if you add them together you get-
Gonard: The letter M!

Lily: Nobody panic.
Gonard: Help! I'm too beautiful to swim!

Ozu: For you.
Yes Man: A sandwich? This is the nicest thing you ever gave me!

(Ozu's phone rings)

Ozu: Hello?
Lily: Ozu! We're stuck in an elevator and we gotta rescue Guano!
Ozu: Not now! I just gave Yes Man a sandwich full of painful spicy Wasabi.

(Yes Man takes a bite of the sandwich)

Yes Man: Why would you do this?!
Ozu: It's a blooper!
Yes Man: But there's no camera!

Dr. Igor: All the classic movie monsters were my inventions! Mega-Rat! Mega-Snake! Mega-Mom!
Mikey: Yeu made all these?!
Dr. Igor: Forbes helped out.
Forbes: I designed the monster's butts.

Gonard: Look! It's the moths from the movie, "Attack of the Mega-Moths."
Mitsuki: And his death ray from "Mega Night of the Death Ray"!
Mikey: Sweet! Dracula's retainer and the long lost ending to "Mega-zilla 7: Birth of Mega-zilla!"

Guano: Movie time's over.
Mikey: Come on! The three-headed Mega-Dragon's gonna fight a Mega-Turtle with four butts!

Ozu: New, from LilyMu! It's the "LilyMu: Super Bloopers" DVD! On sale for only five thousand yen!
Yes Man: Bargain of the century!

The Phantom of the Soundstage[edit]

(Lily and the Phantom of the sound stage planning to prank Mikey)

Phantom: Then, I will teach him a lesson he'll not forget.
Lily and Phantom: (Evil laugh)
Phantom: That's a pretty good evil laugh, you've got.
Lily: It comes from the heart.

Phantom: Legend has it, the stage is haunted by a hideous creature.
Mikey: Guano! (buzzer sound effect)
Phantom: No, a hideous creature that lurks in the shadows.
Mikey: Mitsuki? (buzzer sound effect)

Phantom: (to the tune of the title song from The Phantom of the Opera) I must do to young Mikey / What that prankster did to me.

Battle of the Bands[edit]

Mikey: Yushi will say anything if you tickle him.

(Tickles Yushi)

Yushi: (Laughing) Stop! Stop! I brush my teeth with dogs!

Mikey: A cell phone! We can cheat after all!

(Gonard, Guano and Lily cheer)

Mitsuki: Wait! What happened to being honest with our fans? You said we'd do the right thing.
Mikey: And we will, as soon as we cheat our way to victory.
Gonard, Guano and Lily: cheat! cheat! cheat!

Ori: Well, what do we have here?
Yori: Looks like a couple actor types thought they'd pick up some guitars and call themselves a band.
Mikey: Yep, that's pretty much it.

Guano: Gonard, did you leave this on the audio board?
Gonard: That's preposterous! I've never seen that sandwich before in my life!
Guano: You autographed it! (sandwich reads 'Eat you later -Gonard')
Gonard: That could be any Gonard!

(Gonard eats sandwich out of Guano's hand in one bite)


Mikey: We'll figure it out. We're rock stars.
Mitsuki: Rock stars who steal their music from a cell phone?!
Mikey: Is there any other kind?

Guano: Right now we have to cover our butts.
Gonard: Already on it (has a sheep on his butt).

Mikey: Everyone I have something to say.
Reporter: Your a vampire it all makes sence.

Yori: Something is up! You don't hold your instruments right, and all of your songs are only 15 seconds long!

La Cage Aux Mikey[edit]

Lily: Well, if you really are Mikey's parents, then you must know a lot about him.
Guano: When's Mikey's birthday?
Gonard: What's Mikey's name?
Mitsuki: (mimical gestures while an accordian plays in the background)

Gonard:(angrily): You made me learn how to cook delicious foods!? Do you know how useless that is to me!?

Gonard: To eat is a necessity; but to eat intelligently is an art.
Beef: That's beautiful, Gonard.
Gonard: A guy wrote it on my hand at the bus station. (holds up hand)

Mikey: You guys remember that reporter that was here?
Gonard: Sure, about yea high, face made of glass, always standing next to the fax machine.
Lily: You're thinking of the photocopier.
Gonard: That wasn't a reporter? Then why would he want a picture of my butt?

Reality Bites[edit]

(Gonard, watching TV, sees himself on reality show)

Gonard: Oh, man, this guys got moves!
Mikey: Gonard, that's you!
Gonard: Shyeah, I wish.

Gonard: (holding the novel 'War and Peace') No food for me; I'm too busy feeding my brain with book knowledge. (takes bite out of book and with mouth full) Mmm, verbs... mmm. Pass the syrup.

Guano: I don't know, guys, you know what they say, 'Too many cooks spoil the broth.'
Mikey: No. What they say is, 'Too many cooks write the best books.'

Gonard: (excitedly paging through a photo album) Here's me fighting 'gators in the Amazon. Oh, and and here's me playing ping-pong on the moon. Oh, and here's me inventing penicillin at the prom.
Mikey: Those are just pictures of you with sandwiches.
Gonard: Jealous?

Ozu: (angrily) What am I supposed to put on the air now?!
Yes Man: The Yes Man Variety Hour!

Gonard: If you want this butt camera back send 1000 unmarked cookies to my mouth by 3 o'clock tomorrow.

A Christmas Mikey[edit]

Mikey: Gonard! You're not evil!
Gonard: Thanks, I've been using a new deoderant.
Ozu: Eat the stocking... EAT IT! (shoves christmas stocking in Yes-man's mouth)

Gonard: You're good, Kappa Mikey. Real good.
Mikey: The best.
Guano: Cut? (excited) Cut! That's a wrap, people!

(crew cheers)

Mitsuki: Mikey, that was amazing.
Lily: Yeah, for once you didn't destroy the whole set.
Mikey: Ain't no thing but a sumo ring. (tips over a camera and chaos quickly ensues) Sorry.
Guano: You know what, who cares? We're done for the season!

With Fans Like These[edit]

Gonard: (Talking to sandwich) No mayo I said, but you wouldn't listen.

(Gonard jams sandwich into paper shredder, machine overloads as sparks and smoke fly out)


Gonard: Sorry I'm late, I had to get beat up by some nerds. Ready?
Lily: Yeah, remember you're good cop I'm bad cop.
Gonard: Got it.

(Scene pans to Guano tied up in a chair)

Gonard: So Guano, how'd you like a punch in the gut?
Lily: (Through clenched teeth) Gonard! Good cop.
Gonard: I mean, how would you like a kiss...in the gut? (Gonard thumbs up sign to Lily)

(Gonard dunks his head in a fish tank, comes up with a fish in his mouth, swallows fish)

Lily: Gonard!
Gonard: I just open my mouth, if a fish swims in that's his decision.

Mitsuki: You shouldn't mess with people who confuse T.V. and real life.
Mikey: Why not? Sounds like a great idea to me.
Mitsuki: Remember when we watched that nature show and Gonard threw the T.V. out the window cause he thought it was full of spiders?
Mikey: So?
Mitsuki: We lost THREE T.V.s!

Mikey: Good news, I'm nerd free!
Mitsuki: So you were honest, my advice worked?
Mikey: Oh yeah, about that. Sometimes true honesty means making up a crazy story about Gonard to scare away your fans.

Gonard: And I want sandwiches! (Bangs fist against wall) The good kind...with bread on the outside.

Big Brozu[edit]

Gonard: I get it now. There aren't two Ozu's. That other guy is Ozu's brother.
Lily (sarcastically): Very good, Gonard.
Gonard: Now if only someone would explain to me who THAT guy is.

(points to himself in a mirror)

Gonard (talking to his reflection): Hello, handsome.

Lily: This is a joke! You have no idea what you're doing.
Mikey: You've got spark. I like that. Give yourself a raise.
Lily: What!?
Mikey: You're fired!
Lily: (gasps)

Ozu: We had an agreement, Brozu. I run LilyMu, you spend our family's money on diamond teeth and ill-fitting trousers.
Yes Man (to Brozu): In your face!
No Man: Oh no!
Yes Man: Yesss! (attacks No Man)

(Brozu sees Lily for the first time)

Brozu: Oh Hello! Your daddy must be a doctor cause you're the sickest girl I ever saw!
Lily: OMG

Gonard: Your friends can't save you now, Mitstinki!!

(Gonard puts bunny ears on his butt)

Mitsuki: Um, Gonard, those are bunny ears.
Gonard: Oh, I thought they were butt feathers.
Mitsuki: ???

The Man Who Would be Mikey[edit]

Man: Hey, my newspaper!
Ozu: Hey, my Yes Man!

(Mikey finds a sword stuck on the rock)

Mikey: This should do the job.
Old Man: Beautiful, sword eye, this called the Dragon's Spike, pops you heard the legend.
Mikey: Of course, so this is what they use to stop Manzilla.
Old Man: Now, the Dragon's has been a history of dark and TWISTED!
Mikey: Oh, the Dragon's Spike, I thought you said the Dragon's Bike, anyway I'm sure no one would mind if I take her out for a little spin.
Old Man: (laughs evily) No one will not pull it from the stone. Thousands of tribe it all it fails, the grass, the blade is to...
Mikey: (pulls the blade out) See ya later.
Old Man: Spike? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Uh Oh Guano[edit]

Gonard: Mikey, to make someone less popular all you have to do is steal their belt.

(Yoshi walks by, his pants fall down)

Yoshi: My trousers!
Gonard: (chuckling and holding up Yoshi's belt) That'll teach him to look at my doughnut.

Mikey: Maybe I'll even be on Star Talk. The show where stars talk.
Lily: The only show you'll be on is America's Next Top Weirdo.
Mikey: Don't get my hopes up.

(talking about Butts, the currency of Buttstonia)

Gonard: Look, look at the pretty Butts.
Mitsuki: That's... okay.
Gonard: Touch them, touch my Butts! Touch my stinkin' Butts!

Sergie: I have earned my fortune. It is American dream.
Lily: This is Japan!
Sergie: It is Japanese dream then.

Like Ozu, Like Son[edit]

Mitsuki: What's the matter, Mikey?
Lily: Another restaurant ban you for picking your nose with chopsticks?

(Gonard picks up greeting card Mikey dropped)

Gonard: (reading card) Happy Birthday to the world's greatest son. MOG! It's my birthday!?

Gonard: I know how to turn that frown upside down. (Gonard starts doing a stand up comedy routine) How 'bout that Ozu folks? I mean he's so old, I told him to act his age and he died! And his shoes, hiyo!

Lily: There's no way you two taught that bird to fly.
Guano: What are you even doing here?
Lily: (chuckles) Mocking you.
Gonard: Don't listen to 'em Reggie, you'll show 'em. You'll show 'em all! (serious tone) especially Mitsuki.
Mitsuki: What!?

(Talking about the shark)

Mikey: It didn't hurt anyone expect us and Yes Man and the shark that ate Yes Man.

(Scene switches to Yes Man inside the shark)

Yes Man: It's cozy in here!

La Femme Mitsuki[edit]

(Mikey trying to get someone to go to a movie with him)

Mikey:: Doesn't anyone here want to go with me?
Dr. Igor:: I won't go with you, but maybe I'll see you there. (Ominous music)

(Mikey and Mitsuki looking puzzled)

Dr. Igor:: (embarrassed) I work part-time as an usher.

Mikey:: Now we've got copies of all your files and all your poems. (clearing throat) 'The lonely man in the mailbox' by Agent F.
Agent F:: Stop! That's private!

Mikey:: Okay Mitsuki, I want answers. Who was that guy? Where'd you learn those moves? What did you get me for my birthday? Answer in any order you like.

Gonard:: But what if space is time and what if time is space? And what if space is space?... Are you gonna finish that sandwich?

The Oni Express[edit]

Ozu: Yes Man, where have you been?
Yes Man: A magic orb stole my soul!
Ozu: Again?

Mitsuki: This Oni mask is our most precious artifact, it's over six thousand years old.
Gonard: It has a very special purpose.

(Lily pulls down on one of the mask's horns, a drink dispenses from the mask's nostrils)

Mikey: Woah!

Mikey: I'm so pathetic. What kind of man can't even overpower a whale with his bare hands?

Season 2 (2007–08)[edit]

Camp![edit]

The Bracemaster[edit]

Hog Day Afternoon[edit]

Mikey at the Bat[edit]

Free Squiddy[edit]

Go Nard Hunting[edit]

Mikey, Kappa[edit]

Script Assassin[edit]

Mitsuki Vanishes[edit]

The Masked Tanuki[edit]

Back To School[edit]

Manic Monday[edit]

Mikey's Place[edit]

LilyBoo[edit]

Night of the Werepuff[edit]

The Karaoke Episode[edit]

Mikey's Memoirs[edit]

Seven From LilyMu[edit]

Mikey and the Pauper[edit]

The Clip Show[edit]

Tin Putt[edit]

Live LilyMu[edit]

(Mikey puts farting powder on Gonard's ice cream, pretending it is sprinkles)

Mitsuki: Ooooh! Mint chip, my favorite!
Mikey: Actually, this is really for Gonard.
Mitsuki: One bite couldn't hurt.
Mikey: Come on Mitsuki. Do you really need the carbs?
Mitsuki: I'll take my chances. (Mitsuki tastes the ice cream) Mmmmm!
Speakerphone: Places everyone. Broadcasting is in less than one minute.
Mikey: Uh oh.

Mitsuki Butterfly[edit]

Mikey: Mitsuki, help!
Dadzuki: I'm coming Mikey!
Mikey: Wow, (Dadzuki lifts him up) you're hands are strong and hairy. Thanks, Mitsuki, you're a lifesaver.
Dadzuki: Not so fast! You see, I'm not Mitsuki at all.
Mikey: Huh?
Gonard, Lily, and Guano: Huh?
Dadzuki: Yes, it is I Dadzuki, the father of Mitsuki.

(Mikey, Gonard, Guano, and Lily gasps)

Fashion Frenzy[edit]

The Wizard of Ozu[edit]

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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