Katt Williams

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Katt Williams

Katt Williams is a comedian.


Pimp Chronicles[edit]

  • We got our soldiers fighting gangsta niggas. Them terrorists is gangsta. How the fuck you gonna scare somebody that wanna die? Like: "I'll kill your mothafuckin ass." "Thank you very much." What the fuck? Ask any nigga who ever fought a crackhead. I don't give a fuck how good you think you can fight. You cannot beat a crackhead, nigga, you...[hits self with microphone, imitating a crackhead falling, gets right back up immediately] Crackheads wobble, but they don't fall down. Them mothafuckas'll fight you all night for $11.
  • Those mothafuckas is gangstas. They don't be bluffin' neither. We be thinkin' they bluffin', they won't be bluffin'. They'll be right there on National TV just...[in a stereotypical Iraqi accent] "If you are not do, what we are for say to do, tomorrow at Twelve o'clock, we're going to cut off his head." We be at the house like, [takes puff of blunt] "That's some bullshit, ain't nobody gonna cut off a mothafuckin head on National TV." Very next day at 11:59 they just" [covers the lower half of his face with his jacket, looks at the watch and knocks the mic-stand over as if beheading someone]. We be like "Shit! Play it again, play it again! SHIT!" Them mothafuckas, we can't be bullshiting with them. We gotta get our soldiers away from them mothafuckas.
  • You don't believe our government gangsta? Tell me what the Iraqi uniform look like. [short pause] Don't worry, I'll wait. We ain't killin' they army nigga, we killin' them. We over there killin' niggas in tank tops, sweatpants, flip-flops and a cowboy hat. You shouldn't have been talkin' shit.
  • Never in the history of niggadom...
  • [marijuana dealers] Just soon they see you, just, "Nigga, nigga, nigga...nigga. You remember that shit I gave you last week, nigga? It's nothing, nigga. It's nothing. It's nothing, nigga. Nigga, it's nothing. This shit right here, nigga! This shit right here, nigga! Right here, this shit, nigga! This shit here, nigga!" Always has some fucked up name. "It's kryptachronicunnalite, nigga!" Always has some fucked up ass name. "Nigga, this shit here, nigga. This shit here, niggia. This shit's called Deaf, nigga." You be like, "Nigga, that don't even sound attractive. What the...You mean I'm gonna hit it and die, nigga? Is that what..." "No nigga, not Death, nigga, Deaf. You hit this shit twice, nigga, you can't hear shit!"
  • I'm used to smoking some weed and getting the munchies. This nigga sold me some shit, had me looking at the refrigerator for three hours. I'm just in the kitchen, sitting on the stove, just...[sits on stool, blanking staring]...I bet you there ain't shit in there, nigga. I bet you..."
  • You done got with us niggas--now you talking about, "You fucked up my self-esteem." Bitch, it's called SELF esteem! It's esteem of your mother-fuckin' SELF, Bitch!
  • Long as you been living, you ain't NEVER heard of a mother-fucker overdosin' on marijuana. You might-a thought that nigga was dead. He ain't dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That's the side effects: hungry, happy, sleepy." That's it.


[Katt is pantomiming the following conversation from his childhood.]
Teacher: Katt, stand up.
Katt: ...Bitch I am standin' up." I hate her so much, I really do.
Teacher: "Spell 'kitchen'."
Katt: I tell you, I sounded it out as I had been instructed to do. Kit-chun, kit-chun. K-I-T, ch-ch, C-H-E-N.
Teacher: Very good, very good, spell 'Knife'
Katt: Once again, I sounded this motherfucker out. NNN-I-FUH-UH, NNN-I-FUH-UH. N-I-F-E. Knife.
Teacher: No, no, I'm sorry, It's K-N-I-F-E.
Katt: [pantomimes an incredulous look and looks down as if speaking to fellow classmates] This bitch is stupid, she really is. [raises hand] Uh, yes, that would be kuh-nife. Kuh-kuh, kuh-nife.
This is what she told me in front of the whole class; she said, "The 'K' is silent." I said, "Then take that quiet motherfucker out then, 'cause it's confusing me." Right after class, I cut that bitch with a k-spoon. Just, what the fuck, is you talkin' 'bout!?"
  • Math was my favorite subject, because everything that bitch said I could verify. She said "Two and two is four". [holds up four fingers on his right hand] ...Damn sure is. [does the same with his left hand] All the time nigga, all the time." Then one day she just flipped the script; "3x + y = what?" [pantomimes an incredulous look and looks down as if speaking to fellow classmates] "This bitch is still teaching, do you see this shit? [raises hand] Did you know that some of them was letters? Yes bitch, that's for words and sentences."
  • Y'all not gonna believe this shit. I'm in the limo and in my peripheral...I see some niggas looking confused. That means out a nigga's side vision. Out his side vision. Nigga in the back thought it was a car. [imitates taking puff of blunt] "That nigga got a Peripheral?! [imitates blowing smoke, takes another puff] Fuck a Phantom! That nigga got a Peripheral! That ain't even supposed to come out till 2006." In my peripheral today...[laughs] That nigga still thinks it's a car. [takes puff] "I don't believe him. It's a car. He don't want nobody to have it."

External links[edit]

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