- Oh, come on...Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now! You belong to me! You're not gonna have your mommies run around you anymore and wipe your little tushies! Oh no, it's time now to turn this mush into muscles. No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom". Nothing! There is no bathroom!!!
- [whilst carrying O'Hara into the rent-a-hovel, in German] This makes me angry as Hell! Now I'm angry!
- You know, kindergarten is like the ocean. You don't want to turn your back on it.
- Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it got you? Huh? Nothing! I'll be out of here in a week, and you'll still be eating takeout food in that dump you live in. Yeah! I know all about you, Kimble. Without me, you wouldn't even have a life. My old lady left because of the money. Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.
- Joseph: My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
- Kimble: How do I look?
- Phoebe: Take off the gun.
- Kimble: That's a good idea.
- Phoebe: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
- Kimble: Get some rest and don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?
- Phoebe: On second thought, take the gun.
- Kimble: Emma, take your toy back to the carpet.
- Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm princess!
- Kimble: ... Take your toy back to the carpet.
- Emma: I'm not a policeman, I'm princess.
- Kimble: TAKE IT BACK!!
- Emma: Alright.
- Phoebe: Look, you've got to treat this like any other police situation. You walk into it showing fear, you're dead. And those kids know you're scared.
- Kimble: [nods] No fear.
- Phoebe: No fear.
- Miss Schlowski: Your teacher, Miss O'Hara, had to go somewhere.
- Dominic: Where'd she go?
- Miss Schlowski: That doesn't matter.
- Lowell: Did she die?
- Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
- Lowell: Did they die?
- Miss Schlowski: No, Lowell.
- Lowell: Everyone dies, you know.
- Kimble: This is your new class mascot.
- Boy: What happened to your dog?
- Kimble: This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
- Girl: What's a ferret?
- Kimble: That's a ferret.
- [after his first day, John comes back and collapses on his bed]
- Phoebe: How'd it go?
- Kimble: Go away.
- Phoebe: That well, huh?
- Kimble: You take over tomorrow.
- Phoebe: And blow our cover? Can't do it.
- Kimble: They're horrible. They're like little terrorists.
- Phoebe: Tell me about it.
- Joseph: Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina.
- Phoebe: [to Kimble] Well, I see you've covered the basics.
- Kimble: I have a headache
- Lowell: It might be a tumor.
- Kimble: It's not a tumor!
- Lowell: Are you sure? Did you go to the doctors?
- Kimble: It's not a tumor!
- Miss Schlowski: I want you to answer one more question, and don't lie. What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
- Kimble: It felt great.
- An undercover cop in a class by himself.
- Go ahead, you tell him you didn't do your homework.
- He's the toughest undercover cop in LA. If you're bad he'll know it. If you're hiding something he'll find out. If you cheat he can tell. Now...
- It's a jungle gym out there.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger - Detective John Kimble
- Penelope Ann Miller - Joyce Palmieri/Rachel Crisp
- Pamela Reed - Detective Phoebe O'Hara
- Linda Hunt - Miss Schlowski
- Richard Tyson - Cullen Crisp
- Carroll Baker - Eleanor Crisp
- Christian and Joseph Cousins - Dominic Palmieri/Cullen Crisp, Jr.
- Jayne Brook - Mrs. Sullivan
- Cathy Moriarty - Sylvester's mom