L.A. 7

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A sequel to the Miami series, the group, on advice an actress, goes to Los Angeles in hopes of becoming successful. As soon as they get to LA, they learn it is easier said than done. The band obtains odd jobs around LA and bond with their landlady, Joni, portrayed by actress Linda Blair. Like Miami, each episode contain each one of the band’s songs. Like Miami 7, the show was renamed S Club 7 in L.A. and was shown on Fox Family in the USA between June 3, 2000 and September 30, 2000.

Episode 1: Into the Unknown

[edit]

(The audience clap hands in the show as S Club 7 are winning Oscars in the dream)

Hannah: Thank you. Thank you. Erm, first of all, I’d like to thank my co-stars the marvellous Leonardo DiCaprio… Hi, babe. …and um, the gorgeous Brad Pitt who are absolutely wonderful!

(The audience applauses)

Bradley: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, I’m Ch… uh… I’d like to thank the director for casting me as the new James Bond and I’ve got to say I’m looking forward to the sequel where I get a chance to snug Britney Spears. Thank you very much. (blows a kiss)
Rachel: To be honest, I was a bit worried about the shower scenes, but Mr. Spielberg shot them in the best possible taste. Thank you, Steven. This is for you. (blows a kiss)

(The audience applauses)

Jo: Hey. Um… Yeah. I just want to say it’s brilliant to receive this award for best ballsy blown with a spanner in an action movie and, um, yeah. I’m chucked to bits. Thanks a lot. Cheers.
Jon: It was a great honor for me as an English actor to be asked to play the role of the young John F. Kennedy. I thank you all and the academy. Thank you.
Tina: My commiserations go to the other nominees Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts who just weren’t quite good enough to win. (blows a kiss)
Paul: I’d like to say a big thank you to the American academy for this award for best actor ever, in everything. (clears throats) And I’d also like to say that I’m going to share it with the rest of S Club 7, but I’m not going to. Na-na-na-na-na!

(After having a dream)

Jo: Hey, Paul, that was really mean.
Paul: What?
Jon: Yeah. Not sharing the Oscar with us.
Hannah and Bradley: Yeah.
Paul: Oh, come on! You got one. Each didn’t…

(All argue about not sharing Oscars with them)

Tina: Yeah, but…
Paul: Oh, shut up!
Bradley: Wait a minute. Shut up!

(Echo disappears)

Bradley: Don’t you see what’s happening? We’re not the Oscars in Hollywood. We’re all having the same dream again.
All: Oh, no.
Jo: So we haven’t won any awards then.
Paul: No.
Tina: And we’re not famous.
Paul: Nope.
Jon: We’re just stranded in the middle of the desert.
Rachel: Just look at it.
Hannah: Deserted.
Jon: Well observed, Hannah.
Paul: Come on. Let’s get going.

(They all get back in the car and set off to Los Angeles)

Jo: So here we are, on the trail of Paul’s ancestors that really famous family, the Cattermole’s.
Paul: Come on then. (to the woman) ‘Scuse me a minute. Could you tell us how to get to Ridgeback Woods?
Woman: Ridgeback Woods? You don’t want to be going up there.
Rachel: Why not?
Woman: Because things happen to people in those woods.
Little Girl: (crying)
Woman: It’s okay, honey.
Hannah: Like what?
Woman: Like weird things.
Rachel: What sort of weird things?
Woman: I don’t rightly know. Only I heard about noises, people disappearing, twigs in funny shapes, wobbly camera work.
Paul: You mean it’s haunted?
Woman: Ruck sacks with gooey stuff in them bobble hats.
Paul: Do you think she’s trying to tell us something?
Jo: ‘Scuse me. Hi. We’re trying to find Ridgeback Woods. What, are you gonna start going weird on us as well?
Mike: You wanna find Ridgeback Woods?
Jo: That’s what I just said, you hoof.
Mike: There’s something you need to know.

(Mike holds the camera)

(Group watches Mike telling them about the film crew who disappeared in the woods while making a movie)

Mike: Well, they say that some actors were given a camera and sent out into the woods to make this movie, but some people who disappeared in the woods while making a movie.
Hannah: Sounds spooky.
Bradley: Sounds confusing.
Jon: Sounds like it’s been done before.
Mike: Then when the lights start to fade, that’s when the weird noises started to happen.
Bradley: (hiccups) Oh. Sorry. Fizzy lemonade.
Jo: Go on.
Mike: Anyhow, they go out of the woods and they started to make this film. Well, pretty soon they got lost in the night. That’s when the weird things started happening.

(Mike imagines the man walked in the woods with lights)

Mike: First, one of them disappears.

(Mike imagines one of them disappeared)

Man: I’m so scared.
Mike: Then they all disappear.

(Mike imagines that they all disappeared in the woods)

Man: There you are.
Mike: The only thing that was left was the tapes from the film that they were making, and the tapes from the other film that the other people were making when they disappeared.
All: Wow.
Tina: So they disappeared up their own film.
Mike: Nobody knows. But there’s this website where you can read all about it. At least there was a website.
Paul: Don’t tell me and that’s disappeared as well.
Mike: Exactly. Scary, huh?
Paul: Well, I still want to go and see if my relatives are still living there.
Mike: If they are still there, I’m pretty sure they won’t be living.

(They drive all the way to Ridgeback Woods)

Tina: Paul, are you sure you know where you’re going?
Paul: Yeah. We’ve just gotta turn left again.
Tina: We just turn left again.
Jo: We turn left again and then we turn left again.
Jon: Paul, I think that’s one more again than we should have turned.
Paul: Look, don’t worry. All right?

(Tina and Jo fall asleep)

(They drive through the woods)

(They finally turn up in the woods)

Tina: Is this it then?

(They get out of the car)

Rachel: Paul, if this is where your relatives lived, they must’ve been trees.
Bradley: Right, this is very interesting. Now let’s go.

(Paul turns on the car but the petrol seems to run out)

Paul: There is a small problem.
Jo: What?
Paul: We’ve run out of petrol.
All: Oh.
Tina: How can you run out of petrol, you complete muffin?
Jo: You realize that if you don’t put the petrol in the car, it stops.
Paul: All right. It’s not my fault. I forgot to look at the gauge.
Rachel: So what are we gonna do now?
Bradley: Jo’ll fix it.
Jo: It’s run out of petrol, Bradley. How can I fix that?
Bradley: I don’t know. Maybe you could, um, change engine up a little bit and make it run on some word or some leaves or… (slaps himself) or some mashed-up mosquitoes.
Rachel: Yeah, right.
Jon: Bradley, why don’t you ever talk any sense?
Bradley: Because it’s too easy.
Rachel: Next to you to suggest that we dig for oil and turn that into petrol and put that in the car.
Hannah: You’re right. That’s ridiculous.
Rachel: Exactly.
Hannah: How are we gonna dig without a shovel?
Jon: Look, guys. There’s only one thing for us to do. Some of us are gonna go and look for some petrol while the other guys stay here.
Bradley: What? We’re going then?
Jon: Well, I think Paul should go.
Paul: Why me?
Jon: Because you’re the one that forgot to look at the petrol gauge.
Paul: But Jo forgot to look at the petrol gauge as well, so why doesn’t she go?
Jo: Cos I weren’t driving, you hoof. What about Rachel?
Rachel: Why me?
Jo: Cos you get spooked easily. This might help you get over it.
Rachel: Oh thanks, Jo.
Paul: What about Jon?
Jon: Or Bradley?
Bradley: Or maybe Hannah.
Hannah: What are you saying me for?
Bradley: Because no one’s mentioned your name yet.
Hannah: I could even see you mentioned that.
Bradley: Yeah, but you just sit there all the time, right.

(They all argue at each other)

Tina: (screams then calms down) Now listen. We’ve got to decide what to do. Now, what are our choices?
Rachel: Oh yes. Our choices. Well, our choices are either we can sit here in the spooky woods for hours and die or we can go for a walk in the spooky woods for hours and die.
Jon: Not really, um, much of a choice there, Rach. That’s kind of like saying “Should we sit here and wait for big monster to come and bite our arm off, or make a monster walk for a little bit…and then let him bite your arm off?”
Rachel: I’ll make it walk, definitely.
Bradley: Yeah, but it’ll probably work up more of an appetite and end up eating your other arm as well.
Rachel: That is a good point. Stay here definitely.
Paul: Well, I’m gonna look for some petrol. So who’s coming with me?
Rachel: Bye.
Jon: See you later.
Hannah: See you later.
Paul: Take care.
Hannah: You too. Bye, Rach.
Jo: Bye, Paul.
Paul: Take care.
Rachel: Be careful.
Hannah: You too. Are you sure you want to go?
Rachel: Yeah. I mean I’ve never really been that brave, so I guess I better start now.

(Paul, Tina and Rachel go for a walk)

Jo: Make sure you don’t disappear.
Hannah: Do you think we’ll ever see them again?
Jon: Of course we will.
Jo: Well, I hope so.
Bradley: Yeah. Me too. Paul still owes me a fiver. What?

(Hannah slaps him)

(Paul moves the map out of the way from Rachel)

Rachel: Paul, what are you doing?
Paul: I’m sorry. I think we’re lost.
Tina: And it’s getting dark.
Rachel: Well, at least we haven’t heard any strange noises.

(They hear someone saying “Hey!”)

Rachel: Like that.
Hannah: If you’re a monster, who would you eat first?
Jo: Probably not you. You’re too stringy.
Hannah: Oh, that’s good.
Bradley: It’d probably have you for a starter.
Hannah: Do you think so?
Jon: Yeah. I think it’ll probably have Hannah as a starter and then me as a main course.
Jo: Bradley for pudding.
Bradley: You saying I’m fat?
Jo: No. I’m saying you’re sweet.
Hannah: You might be vegetarian.
Jo: Nah. What’s the point in having a vegetarian monster? Only be able to scare vegetables. It’s not very monstrous.

(Suddenly, they hear someone saying “Hey!”)

Jon: What was that?

(Owl hoots in the night)

Tina: Let’s sing.
Paul: What?
Jo: What?
Hannah: Let’s sing a song to scare away the monstery things.
Rachel: Well, we might as well. It couldn’t hurt.
Newscaster: Tonight on CBC Newsline, from the infamous Ridgeback Woods which has so far claimed the lives of 15 documentary camera crews. We report an amazing story of Survival. We reveal how the English Pop Group the S Club 7 actually went into those spooky woods and stayed for the entire night without disappearing. We go now to an eyewitness report.
Mike: I warned them not to go in the woods, but they insisted on it! They’re cool. They’re pretty cute too.
Newscaster: Was it brave? Or was it reckless? Or was it all part? More on this incredible story after these words.
Jon: So, Paul, we never did find where your relative lived.
Paul: No, no. Well, it wasn’t Ridgeback Woods. It was, um. It was some other woods. Does anyone wanna go there?
All: No, Paul!

(Then they drive off to L.A.)

Episode 2: Clever Camp

[edit]
Jon: (reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beasley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”
Jo: Blimey, you can say that again, mate.
Jon: No, I don’t think I can actually.
Bradley: What does it mean?
Tina: Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.
Bradley: I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

(Hannah and Paul look at each other; Rachel drives into Camp Elysium)

Jo: Okay. Soak him.
Paul: All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.
Tina: Yeah, but Oxford?
Paul: All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.
Rachel: Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.
Paul: Did I say that would graduate it?
Jon: Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!
Hannah: Forget soaking. Drowning!
Paul: Look, look. I can explain!
Bradley: Go on then. Explain.
Paul: You’re right. I can’t.

(Paul holds his nose and puts his head in the water)

Jon: Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.
Tina: Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. (Explaining about Classical rules to Jon) It got rules.
Paul: Beasley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.
Tina: On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

(Bradley tosses a shoe on Paul and they leave but him) (Then Jo pushes his head in the water and he throws a shoe on the grass)

Hannah: Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.
Jo: Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.
Jon: Yeah, or phone your friend.
Hannah: Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?
Jo: What?
Hannah: It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beasley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.
Jo: She’s right.
Rachel: Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.
Jon: Hmm. How are we gonna do that?
Rachel: Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.
Hannah: And here it comes!

(Group laughs)

Bradley: What?

Episode 3: Hello Hollywood

[edit]

(They arrive at the poor motel)

Paul: So does this look cheap enough?
Jo: Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog Simon right now kennel off the ground.

(Paul, Jo and Jon get out of the car)

Jon: Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.
Bradley: Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.
Rachel: Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

(Hannah and Tina laugh)

(Paul is asleep with his feet out of the car window and someone steals his socks)

Paul: Oi! Come back with my socks, you jughead!
Jon: So where’s Bradley then?
Jo: Um, he got run over by rollerblader.

(Group laughs)

Tina: Is he hurt?
Paul: No. He’s just milking it for all his words. You know Brad. After one, we used to call him at college.

Episode 4: Misguided

[edit]

(Hannah and Jo are turning pages in the magazines, Jo turns the page and stops)

Jo: Oh, Random Violence! I wanna go and see that.
Hannah: I don’t want to go and see Random Violence. I hate Tommy De Witt movies.
Jo: How can you not like Tommy De Witt? He’s probably sexy.
Hannah: Oh, come on. He’s not even a good actor.
Jo: Bother about that. Someone’s good acting. I can watch Bradley telling us why he ain’t done the washing up. Tommy’s gorgeous.
Hannah: Oh. He’s just a big talentless haircut with expensive dental work and about half the sex appeal of R2-D2. Now there’s some quality dental work.

(In their dorms, Hannah is getting ready to go out on a date)

Hannah: How’s your makeup?
Rachel: Mmm. Pretty good…for an amateur.
Hannah: Hmm.
Rachel: I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy De Witt.
Tina: Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.
Hannah: Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.
Jo: Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.
Rachel: That’s the one.
Hannah: Yeah.
Rachel: Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.
Joni: Ooh, that makes two of us. (Referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?
Rachel: Hmm… Tin cans.
Jo: Washing machines.
Tina: And that’s about it.

(Paul runs and falls down the flight of stairs)

Paul: Hi.
Joni: Hi. Well, let’s party.

(Paul and Joni are ready to go out and close the door behind them)

Episode 5: The News

[edit]

(Hannah and Tina practice surfing on the surfboard and Bradley comes back bringing some food for them)

Bradley: Grubs up. (giving Jo a burger) Burger for you. (giving Hannah a burger) Burger for you. (giving Tina a burger) Burger for you. (trying to give Paul a burger but he doesn’t) And burger for you.
Paul: No thanks.
Bradley: What?
Paul: I don’t like fast food.
Bradley: Yes you do.
Paul: No, no, no. Linda said…
Jo: Ugh! I knew it.
Paul: What?
Hannah: You don’t like playing cards. You don’t like fast food. You don’t like normal clothes.
Bradley: Is there anything you do like doing?
Tina: According to Linda?
Paul: Yes. I like reading the newspaper and having serious political discussions.

(Jo stands up and walks upstairs to bed)

Jo: Fascinating. I’m off to bed.

(Tina follows Jo)

Tina: Me too.
Paul: Me too. Apparently, I like having an early night.

(Paul goes upstairs to bed)

(At the cafe, Bradley and Jon are picking cards while Jo is watching)

Bradley: Okay, Jon boy. Pick a card. Not that card. Not that one. Not that one either!
Jon: Well, which one then?
Bradley: This one! All right now, lookie here. What is it?
Jon: 5 of diamonds.
Bradley: All right now. Just put it back in this. Good boy. Oh, right. Is this your card?
Jon: But of course, this, Bradley?
Bradley: See? (chuckles)
Jo: Bradley, it isn’t even magic.
Bradley: Yeah, not real magic, just like the trick.
Jon: Bradley, that’s not even a trick.
Jo: Oh, look. Here comes the evening news.

(Linda comes to see them)

Paul: Linda. Hi.
Linda: Good evening. Tonight, extra work shock means I have to stay in, looking to the week ahead you’re coming to the theater with me tomorrow evening.
Paul: But I can’t, I…
Linda: Eyewitnesses say the play is an excellent one. Onlookers have clapped and cheered. Now over to you, Paul.
Paul: I can’t come tomorrow evening. We’ve got a gig.
Linda: Your band will never make it. News reading is the only option. Those are the facts. You heard it here first.
Jo: Now you hold on a minute.
Bradley: You just can’t say things like that.
Linda: You must leave the band. That’s all for now. See you the same time tomorrow evening. Goodnight.
Bradley: Paul, you go slide above…
Jo: Yeah, we got to sort out.
Jon: What is your problem?
Paul: I sweat.
Jon: Paul, what she says on TV when she’s reading the news. That’s all fact. But what she said this evening, that’s just her opinion.
Rachel: Do you see the difference?
Paul: No. Because Linda’s right about everything.
Bradley: I don’t think so, bro. (holding up a magnifying glass) Yeah. Look at yourself recently, Paul.
Rachel: Paul, look. I know you really like her, but you gotta do what you think’s the best. Not just anything Linda tells you to do.
Linda: You know what, I…was…wrong.

(Paul walks with her)

Jon: As if…
Rachel: It’s a miracle.
Paul: Do you really mean that?
Linda: Yes. You should stick with them.
Paul: Thanks. I mean so much to me.
Miggy: Hey, Higgy.
Ziggy: Hey, Tiggy. We’ve changed our minds. You are cool.
Tina: You know what, we’ve changed some minds too.
Hannah: Yeah, we’re not cool.
Tina: No. They’re not cool.
Hannah: Oh yeah. That’s right, isn’t it, Tin? Hey Ten. Flip your lid and see you around.

(Miggy and Ziggy wave and then they leave)

Paul: So, what should you do now then?
Jo: Sleep.
Jon: (hugging Jo) Jo, it is so rock and roll. Mmm?

Episode 6: Prom

[edit]

(Group comes into Mr. Walters’ office)

Paul: Mr. Walters!
Mr. Walters: Can’t you see I’m busy?
Paul: But we’re a band, Mr. Walters.
Hannah: The S Club 7, Mr. Walters.
Jo: And we want to sing you a song.
Mr. Walters: Troup. Hey, no way.
Rachel: What? We bought you presents.
Mr. Walters: Well, maybe. Hit it!

(Group sings “S Club Party” to them)

Chorus: girls, boys: S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)
Gonna show you how (Everybody, get down tonight) (Oh, yeah, yeah)
S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party)
Gonna take you high (Shake your body from side to side)
Mr. Walters: Ha, ha! Let’s have enough. But not bad at all. And then get out of here.
Hannah: No, wait. We’re singing at the high school prom tomorrow night.
Tina: Would you come and see us?
Mr. Walters: Which school?
Bradley: West Beverly High.
Mr. Walters: Really? My son goes there.
Jon: Oh, great. So does that mean you’re gonna come and see us soon?
Mr. Walters: Well, you know, I’m not sure the thing is my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
Rachel: Oh, that’s a shame.
Mr. Walters: I said my son doesn’t have a date for the prom.
Rachel: Yeah, I heard you the first time.
Mr. Walters: No. I don’t think you did. My son needs a date for the prom.
Paul: That’s okay. Rachel will go with him.
Rachel: What?
Mr. Walters: How kind of you to offer he accepts.
Rachel: No, listen. I’m really sorry, but I can’t take your son to the school prom. I already had… (Jo stamps Rachel’s foot) Ow!
Paul: I saw her foot! She was just gonna say she’s got a sore… uh!
Mr. Walters: No problem. My son’s not that good dancer, anyway. Leave your address with the secretary. We’ll pick you up at 7pm.
Rachel: Thanks a lot, guys.
Bradley: Well, Rach, it’s for the good of the band.
Hannah: Oh yeah, and don’t worry about Sam. We’ll take care of him.
Rachel: Yeah. That’s what worries me.
Jon: Oh my god! There she is!

(Jon sees the girl walking)

Jon: She’s perfect.
Jo: She always walked a bit slowly though, didn’t she?

(Jon runs away to find her)

Hannah: How come he can never catch her up with two walks so slowly?

(Girls talk at the table when they hear someone knocking at the door. Rachel opens the door and lets Sam in)

Sam: Hey.
Rachel: Hi.
Sam: The door was unlocked downstairs so I just let myself in.
Rachel: But you’re early. 2 hours early.
Sam: Oh, I’m sorry. You’re not ready yet, are you?
Rachel: No. But, that’s not the problem. I have something to tell you. I’m afraid I can’t go out with you tonight.
Sam: You’re not going?
Rachel: No. Well, I am going, but… Well, it’s a long story, but basically I have to take Billy Walters.
Sam: Billy Walters?
Rachel: I’m sorry. I really am, but so you don’t have to go alone. I’ve found an alternative date for you.
Sam: Oh thanks, but no thanks. If I can’t go with you, then I’m just not gonna go at all.
Rachel: Well, at least let me introduce you before you make up your mind. (to Jo, Tina and Hannah) Girls?

(Jo, Tina and Hannah stand up, meet Sam and wave at him)

Jo, Tina and Hannah: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Th-They are my date? All of them?
Rachel: Yep.
Sam: This is the happiest day of my life.

(Girls laugh and Sam hugs them)

(Next evening, group is getting ready for the prom as Paul and Bradley come downstairs)

Tina: So, plan A: We sing at the prom. Mr. Walters loves us. We get a record contract which leads to… (opening her fan) worldwide domination.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Jon: I’ll get it.
Hannah: So, what’s Plan B?
Tina: Uh, there is no Plan B.

(Jon opens the door and in comes Billy)

Jon: Hey.
Billy: Hi. I’m Billy.
Rachel: Hi, Billy. I’m Rachel.
Billy: You’re my date?
Rachel: Yeah.

(Billy is about to fall down)

Billy: Whoa!
Paul: Whoa, there. Easy.
Billy: Sorry. I, I, I wasn’t expecting. I’m a little nervous.
Bradley: Um, Billy? Where’s your dad? Is he in the car or is he coming later?
Billy: Oh, yeah. My dad said to say he’s not coming because his books are full.
Jo: (to Rachel) Plan B, it will go horribly wrong.
Billy: Do you not want to be my date anymore?
Rachel: Of course I do. Come on. We’re gonna have a great time.

(Billy and Rachel leave)

Sam: So, are you girls ready to go?
Tina: Of course we are.
Hannah: I think so.
Jo: We’re ready.
Hannah: Come on.

(Hannah, Jo and Tina are all ready to go)

Paul: I really can’t believe that you’re taking Hannah, Tina and Jo to the prom.
Bradley: Yeah. Me neither.
Sam: I know. 3 dates. Well, this is gonna be the best evening ever.
Jon: How wrong could he be?

(At the prom, Sam gives the girls some drinks)

Sam: So, why don’t you tell me about yourselves?

(Girls talk to him together)

Sam: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! One at a time, okay? Why don’t we start with you, Jo?
Jo: All right. Um, but first of all, I’m a bit hot, so can you take my jacket?

(Jo takes her jacket off and gives it to Sam)

Sam: Sure.
Tina: Yeah, and I’m a bit cold, so can you go and get mine?
Hannah: Ugh! I don’t like that. Can you get me something else? Something orangey, but not orange juice or squash and nothing with bubbles.

(Hannah gives Sam a squash she doesn’t like)

Sam: Okay.

(Jo finishes drinking and gives Sam her glass)

Jo: Ah. Get some other one of those, will ya? I’m parched.
Sam: Okay. I’ll be right back.
Jo: I want chips. English chips. Not American chips.
Hannah: And get me a sandwich, will you? Not from here. From the deli across the road.
Tina: And take my jacket and get me another drink!
Sam: All right. Okay.
Jo: And hurry up about it. We’re on stage in a minute.
Tina: Time when you are, isn’t it?
Hannah: Yeah, he’s quite hot.
Jo: Yeah.
Sam: (sighs) What a nightmare.

(Billy dances with another man) (Jon returns to them)

Paul: Well.
Bradley: My wa? Where’s your mystery woman?
Jon: Oh, her! Oh, well, you know, she was great and, and it was great.
Paul: And?
Jon: And well, you know how it is. You know, we had a great evening and then, then she asked my phone number and she said she wanted to see me again and, well, you know what happens when you commit to another day then you end up like married with 18 kids in a mortgage.
Paul: She chucked it, didn’t she?
Jon: Yeah. She’s with Billy.

(Jon looks at the woman who dances with Billy)

Jon: It was love at first sight.
Hannah: Oh, I’m sorry.
Jon: That’s okay.
Tina: You know, the best way to deal the situation like that is to behave with dignity and grace.
Hannah: Maturity. Good humour.
Jo: Yeah, you know what they say. Live and let live.
Tina: Look. There’s Rachel.

(They see Rachel kissing Sam)

Hannah: She’s with our date!
Jo: I’m gonna kill her. (pushing Jon and Bradley out of the way) Oi! Rachel!

(Jo, Hannah and Tina are about to stop Rachel from being in their date with Sam)

Episode 7: House Sitting

[edit]

(The band are sitting down at the cafe eating lollies)

Rachel: (to Jon) Do you know something? Why can’t we leave our own Chateau Style Terrace?
Jon: What are you reading, Rach?
Rachel: The big vulgar House Magazine. The magazine of big vulgar houses.
Jon: Rachel’s getting restless again, guys.
Rachel: No. Not restless. Just curious. Don’t you ever wonder what it’d be like to live in one of those big houses like rich and famous people do.
Jon: Maybe you mean like one of those amazing mansion in Bel-Air with like the 30m Art Deco pool and their own cinema and A Philip Star Kitchen and like six different kinds of palm trees.
Rachel: Yes!
Jon: No.

(Jo and Paul come in)

Paul: Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Bandits 4:00! I repeat, Joni Alert!
Bradley: Oh no. It can’t be rent there already, can it?
Jon: It can.
Tina: When you owe as much money as we do, every day is a rent day.
Paul: And she had one of those really mean looks on her face. You know, like the one that says…
Jo: Eviction.
Hannah: Eviction? Oh no!

(They all get up panicking)

All: No!
Bradley: What’s all the panic for? What could she do to us anyway?
Jon: (to Bradley) Oh, you mean apart from like sell of all our possessions, kicks out the apartment and probably gets checked out the country. Not much, Bradley.
Bradley: Sell of our possessions? What, you mean like my CDs?
Jon: Yeah, and your Britney Spears go skating posters!
Bradley: This is terrible, Jon! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!

(Bradley joins in as well)

(Joni arrives to look for them somewhere)

Joni: Have you seen the kids?
Alphonse: No. I don’t like kids. When I see kids, I feel sick. So I don’t see kids, then I feel better.
Joni: I saw them come in here, Alphonse. Now don’t lie to me. Where are they?

(They can hear someone squeaking then “Shh!”) (Joni comes to the counter to see if the group are down behind the counter)

Jon: Guys, see. It’s just like I was telling you. The tiles on this side of the counter are just the same as the tiles on that side.
All: Oh.
Jon: Oh, Joni. Hi. What a pleasant surprise.
Joni: All right, everybody. Out from behind the counter, pronto.

(Group gets up and comes out of the counter)

Joni: And bring your wallets.
Alphonse: Kids. They’re like mice. They get in through the smaller spaces.
Hannah: Can I always see it’s probably known… (sneezing)
Alphonse: Gesundheit.
Hannah: Thanks.

(Group hands some money out on the table and Paul puts lollipop on the table)

Joni: That’s it. That’s all you have. You guys, I’m looking for the rent here. Not a tip for the bus, boy.
Jon: Look, Joni. We are trying. We’re really looking hard for some work, aren’t we, guys?
All: Hm.
Jon: Aren’t you?
All: Yes!

(They talk together)

Joni: All right, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do here. Instead of throwing you out, I’m going to go proactive. I’m going to help you guys to help yourselves and in turn, help myself to…
Bradley: Help yourself to what?
Joni: To half your wages. Now here’s the deal, a friend of mine just called and asked if I knew 3 sensible kids who wanted to do some house sitting.
Hannah: And do you? Because if you don’t, then I’m sure I might know some…
Paul: Hannah.
Bradley: House sitting? Is that like when you sit around someone else’s pool? You eat with their food and you get paid for it.
Joni: No. That’s where you watch somebody’s property in a conscientious and professional manner.
Hannah: And then you sit around the pool all day munching their food.

(Bradley chuckles)

Joni: Okay. Well, there’s 2 kids who obviously have other working plans for the next few weeks.
Hannah: No. We were only joking.
Bradley: Yeah. We are sensible. In fact, that’s what the SNS Club stands for.
Tina: Too late. You’ve blown it.
Bradley: Oh.
Alphonse: So, you give the customers what they want. You give it to them fast and you give it to them with a smile. You do not bang it down on the table and you do not spill it on their lap. Got that?
Jon: Yeah, we got that, Alphonse. Loud and clear.
Bradley: Okay. Don’t spill it on their lap. Remember that. Very important.
Alphonse: You got 2 days of work, then I get my regular waitress back. The cute one. What? People like cute.
Jon: Well, we can’t promise you cute but we can promise you efficient.
Alphonse: Aww.
Bradley: This looks like it’s gonna be a very boring job, Jon.
Jon: Well, anything’s better than just sitting around waiting for an invitation up to the big house.
Bradley: What invitations?
Jon: Exactly.

(Bradley sees the Rich Girl coming in with the other girl)

Bradley: But on the other hand.

(They sit down at the table)

Bradley: There are compensations.

(Meanwhile, the rest of the band are sharing the food to eat)

Jon: Well, this is nice, isn’t it?
Hannah: Yeah. We don’t need the others. We can have fun on our own.
Tina: Yeah.
Bradley: Yeah.

(Phone rings and Jon gets it and speaks to someone on the phone)

Jon: Hello? Oh, hi, Jo. How are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re having a great time. How about you?
Jo: (speaking to Jon on the phone) It’s brilliant. It’s a lot of fun.
Jon: You want us and come and see you?

(Bradley, Tina and Hannah nod)

Jon: Well, um, I’m not sure what we’re doing tomorrow.

(They hold up a sign saying “Nothing!” on it)

Jo: Well, only if you feel like it. I mean it’s no big deal.
Rachel: Yes.

(Paul nods)

Jo: We’ll have a party about 8 o’clock.
Jon: Wicked. No worries. See you tomorrow.
Jo: Okay then. See ya.
Jon: Bye.
Jo: Why does everyone have to keep saying that?

(After the Rich Girl and the man leave the mansion)

Tina: Oh, he fancied this bike, really?
Jo: (sighs) Look at the mess. This is bad. We’re dead.
Rachel: Dead as doornails.
Hannah: Guys, we better tidy up.

(Joni and Debi come in but they see what they did)

Hannah: Before five?
Bradley: But what kind of music do you like at your funeral?
Rachel: Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?
All: Yeah.
Jo: Good dinner, Tina.
Tina: Pleasure.
Rachel: Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.
Paul: Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.
Rachel: Paul, you can stop being sensible now.
Paul: Okay.

(Paul flicks beans at Rachel) (Group laughs)

Episode 8: Mr. Muscle

[edit]

(They see Paul with the camera)

Rachel: Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.
Paul: Just treat me like I’m not here.
Jo: That’d be easier when you’re gone.
Paul: Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?
Rachel: Go away.
Paul: Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?
Jo: Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.
Rachel: No. That’s just irritating.
Paul: I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.
Jo: Well, go film something else then.
Rachel: Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.
Paul: Cool.
Jon: (Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!

(Paul falls down the flight of stairs)

Paul: Honestly, some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?
Pizza Delivery Lady: Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.
Paul: With extra everything?
Pizza Delivery Lady: Uh-huh.
Paul: Thanks.
Pizza Delivery Lady: Enjoy your meal.
Paul: Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.
Jon: So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if her kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.
Rachel: But not before he changed Jon’s with big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.
Jo: That is so brave, or is it just stupid?
Paul: (holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.
Jon: Yeah, of extinction.
Paul: No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?
Jon: No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.
Bradley: No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.
Jon: Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.
Bradley: It takes months to train a whole body. We did need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, special diet, just the rest of me have to be present because…
Jon: That sounds really boring.
Paul: No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.
Jo: Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.
Paul: It will be a movie and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.
Rachel: Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.
Jon: Rachel, you’ve got more chance if I’m messing that guy into submission than I have.
Rachel: What are you trying to say?
Jon: Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask B… What's his name?

(Rachel doesn’t know)

Jon: Ryan.
Jo, Tina and Hannah: Ryan?

(Bradley shows Jon how to keep fit with his muscles)

Bradley: That’s it. Put your arms part to it. That’s it. Use your armed part and use your arms. Keep your back straight.
Rachel: Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.
Jo: Actually, I started that for him.
Rachel and Hannah: Oh.
Rachel: Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.
Tina: He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.
Rachel: Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.
Hannah: It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invited their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.
Tina: Monkeys?
Hannah: Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.
Jo: Their bananas.
Hannah: Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.
Tina: So I’m dating a big monkey.
Hannah: Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.
Tina: A jungle VIP.
Hannah: Mhm.
Rachel: Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for him in this contest?

(Jon holds up a stick with his muscles, but he and Bradley fall)

Bradley: That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.

(Jo and Tina laugh)

Rachel: What odds are they offering on Ryan?

(They see that it is a lot of crowd)

Hannah: It’s quite a crowd.
Jo: Yeah, look at them. Animals baying for blood turn up just because they want to see a bit of pain and suffering. (to the woman) Amish! You’re in my seat.

(The girls sit down)

Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Muscle Beach, and to the match, they’re already calling The Clash of the Titans.

Episode 9: Fall Out

[edit]
Jon: Okay, first one. Watch this.
Bradley: Casual wear.
Jon: Yes.
All: Woo!
Rachel: Well done, Brad.
Jo: He’s good.
Jon: Okay, this one.
Hannah: Shoes.
Jon: Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.
Jo: Sportswear.
Jon: Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s been good, This one, okay?
Rachel: Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.
Jon: Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.
Tina: Pyjamas!
Jon: Yes! Nicely one.

(They clap hands)

Jon: Okay, last one.
Paul: Underpants.

(They applause)

Tina: I forgot I was gonna say now.
Hannah: Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.
Paul: It’s me.
Rachel: And me.
Hannah: Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.
Bradley: (to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.
Rachel: Tell her it’s a pleasure.
Hannah: What did she say?
Bradley: She said it’s a pleasure.
Hannah: Oh.
Bradley: (to Jo and Jon) D’you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.
Rachel: I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

(Later in the evening at the cafe)

Speaker of the Man: (Off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next the number of our resident band the S Club 7.

(Group is about to be up next)

Bradley: All right. Looks like we’re up next, guys.
Tina: Yeah. So listen, are we stopping all this not talking? Not nonsense.
Paul: But I don’t know. You better ask Bradley to ask Hannah to ask Jo… Yeah, I guess we are.
Tina: Friends?
All: Friends.

(They all hug together)

Episode 10: Game Boy

[edit]
Hannah: But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.
Paul: Oi! I heard that.
Hannah: Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?
Jo: Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?
Rachel: Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.
Jo: Yeah, and…
Tina: Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?
Jo: Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.

(Joni comes to 3 girls)

Joni: Here are you.
Rachel: Oh no!
Joni: No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?
Rachel: We have been rehearsing, Joni.
Joni: Oh no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, er, juggler.
Rachel: We can sing.
Joni: Oh no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.
Hannah: Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.
Jo and Rachel: Ugh.
Joni: Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.

(Joni, Jo and Rachel go out to find a skill and Hannah touches the tip of her nose with her nose and then everyone applauses)

Episode 11: Making Movies

[edit]
Bradley: Where’s Rachel and Tina?
Hannah: I think they got caught behind.
Jo: Look, this is stupid. They keep running out at a landlady every time mentioned to you.
Paul: You’re right.
Jo: We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.
Bradley: She’s right.
Jon: Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.
Paul: You’re right.
Hannah: He’s right!
Bradley: She’s right.
Jo: I’m right.
Bradley: I’m right sometimes.

(They argue at each other as they are all right)

Paul: ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.
Bradley: Heh. Why not? (chuckles) You got… (eats the camera)

(At the beach)

Joni: So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.
Tina: Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not turn in.
Joni: Really? It’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.

(The rest of the band turn up to them)

All: Hi.
Jo: Joni, about the rent.
Rachel: No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.
Jon: Is it?
Joni: Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?
Jon: Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.
Rachel: oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.
Tina: That’s great!
Joni: That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)
Tina: Joni?
Joni: Hm?
Tina: What are you doing?

(Rachel takes the phone and closes it)

Joni: Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!
Paul: Yeah.
Bradley: That’s a good idea.

(Jon is filming with the camera)

Paul: (clears throats) Detective, do you have a lead on these bank robbers?
Hannah: Mm-hmm. Seems that they were 2 women.
Paul: How do you know?
Hannah: Because witnesses said that they saw 2 women robbing the bank so we figured that the robbers were 2 women.
Paul: Nice work, Detective. Nice work.
Hannah: We found a stick of a low-calorie gum at the scene so I guess that one of them is on a diet.
Paul: Hmm. That reminds me. Lunch. I want Detective Lee and Detective McIntosh working on this case.
Hannah: But, but they didn’t get all of each other, chief.
Paul: Not my problem, Detective. (eating donut)

(Tina is doing the movements outside the bank) (Bradley spits)

Jon: I’ve been assigned as your new partner.
Bradley: I don’t work with partners.
Jon: You do now, McIntosh.
Bradley: Listen up. I walk along, alright? I had a partner once.
Jon: Yeah, and what happened?
Bradley: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Jon: You don’t wanna talk about it?
Bradley: No.
Jon: Look, the D.A. seems to think that you could use a little help on this case about catching those bank robbers.
Bradley: Listen up, Lee. I don’t need your help! Alright?
Jon: I know a guy that said that once.
Bradley: Yeah. What happened to him?
Jon: I don’t want to talk about it.
Bradley: You wanna to talk about it?
Jon: No.
Bradley: So what do you wanna talk about?
Hannah: Look! There they are!

(They see Jo and Rachel robbing the bank)

(Jo and Rachel get to the end of the building on top until Jon, Hannah Paul come to arrest them)

Hannah: That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!
Jon: You’re going down for 3 to 5!
Jo: Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)
Jon: Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.
Rachel: So, is that it then?
Hannah: I guess so.
Paul: What? We have got some more take left.
Jon: Look, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?
Paul: Okay.
Jon: You alright?
Jo: No. You really hurt my arm.
Jon: I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.

(Phone rings as Joni is handcuffed on the bed)

Joni’s Boyfriend: Hi, Joni.
Joni: (gasps)
Joni’s Boyfriend: It’s me. Are you there?
Joni: Yes. Yes, I am.
Joni’s Boyfriend: I know you don’t wanna talk to me, but I wanna tell you something. Pick up the phone.

(Joni tries to move but she is still handcuffed)

Joni’s Boyfriend: I thought maybe we could patch things up, Joni.
Joni: Oh, yes. We can, we can.
Joni’s Boyfriend: Oh, I guess not. Look, I’m going away for a while and you won’t be able to call me, but…
Joni: No, no! Don’t hang up! No, don’t hang up!
Joni’s Boyfriend: I love you, Joni. Goodbye.
Joni: NO! (echoes then sobs)

Episode 12: Working

[edit]

(One night at the apartment, group all sit down on the couch)

Jo: So, where shall we go tonight then?
Hannah: Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.
Paul: You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay inside.
Jon: Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?
Paul: No.
Tina: Why’s that?
Paul: I’m skint too.

(Bradley comes back from cinema)

Bradley: What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema arsh is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat at smug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.
Paul: No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.
Jon: Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?
Jo: Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?
Bradley: Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.
Hannah: Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?
Bradley: No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just someone to change I’ve found on a back of the seats.
Tina: Great. So where are we going?
Bradley: Well, I’m quite parked. So I think I’ll have a night in.
Rachel: Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…
Hannah: Bradley.
Bradley: You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.
Hannah: No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.
Paul: Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.
Tina: Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.
Rachel: I only need six I’ll let my last 20 to Jon.
Jon: Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.
Bradley: So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.
Hannah: Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.
Jo: No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?
Tina: And do what?
Rachel: We’ll do they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.
Jo: What? You mean like skin and dinosaurs?
Jon: Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.
Paul: Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go through it. Alright.
Hannah: So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?

(Group thinks what they can do in the evening)

Bradley: I see you a lot then.

(So they all spend evening having fun)

(When the lights are out, Tina, Jon and Rachel come downstairs)

Paul: (bumping into Jo) Ooh!
Jon: What’s happened?
Tina: The lights have come out.
Hannah: Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.
Jon: Oh no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.
Rachel: Your hair always looks like straw.
Jo: Shook. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.

(Jo tries to sit on Hannah)

Hannah: Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!
Jo: Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.
Hannah: Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.
Jo: Ugh!

(Bradley comes downstairs)

Bradley: What is going on down here?
Paul: We’ve burned the lights.
Tina: Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.
Jon: I have a strange feeling. She will find out.
Paul: I can’t even see to sit down.
Bradley: Yes we can. (Turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.
Paul: Thank you.
Bradley: Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.
Paul: Where are we gonna get $200 from?
Bradley: Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find down the back of the Scylla Marcie, that’s for sure.
Tina: All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.
All: Mmm.
Jo: Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?
Rachel: Mmm.

(Rachel opens the paper and looks at it)

Bradley: There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.
Rachel: No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.

(Phone rings)

Rachel: Hello. Puppy Cities International. Rachel speaking. How may I help you?
Jon: Well, there’s our regonades copies.
Jerry Parker: I need those our obscure… (bumping into Jo) Oh. Oh. I’m sorry.
Jo: Sorry.
Jerry Parker: Gee. May I help you? This is my fault.
Jo: Sorry. I’m not normally such a muffin.
Jerry Parker: Hey. You’re English, right?
Jon: Yeah. Yeah we are.
Jerry Parker: And you’re looking for work. Then I may have the thing for you. Come with me.
Jon: Guys, we can easily raise this money if we can all just keep our jobs for one more week.
Bradley: I can’t believe I got fired.
Paul: Fired? But you only got the job 3 days ago.
Bradley: Mmm. I know. But it doesn’t matter, because I got a new job. Yeah. You know you are now looking at… (he shows them a green suit) Bradley McIntosh valet.
Tina: You mean polishing silvers and ironing newspapers and stuff?
Bradley: No. Not that kind of valet. I’m the kind of valet that parks cars and I’m working at the new cafe goffi down at Santa Monica bullet-like.
Paul: So, why did the cinema fire you?
Bradley: Over conduct under coming to Russia. Can you believe they stripped me off my blazer and my torch in front of audio for us and everything?
Tina: I told you to stop snogging Donna the projectionist, you muffin.
Bradley: Yeah, but it wasn’t the snogging. They objected to me. It was the fact, it made Donna put the rose on in the wrong order. But mind you, it’s the first time Titanic’s about the happy ending. (giggles)

(Jon, Tina and Paul laugh)

Jo: And that was the Polish Symphony Orchestra with Mozart’s Koechlin titled simply number 28 in C. Nice one, Wolfie. Next out, the Val D, but before we get to move over to the news.

(Jo sees Jon polishing the windows with his tongue)

Jo: Pop off, you muffin.
Jerry Parker: (muffled sound)
Jo: They have been reporting nominee of possible… (reading continues)
Jon: Um, Mr. Parker. I was just polishing the windows, um, I don’t charge extra.
Jerry Parker: Aw, thanks. Jon, it’s 2 o’clock. I’m going out, so if anybody calls, tell them I’ll be back in an hour.
Jon: Yes, sir. Your radio station’s in safe hands. By the way, is your car radio still broken?
Jerry Parker: Unfortunately, yes.
Jon: Excellent, I mean that’s just too bad.

(Jerry Parker leaves)

Jo: …president today reaffirmed his position on… Oh, who cares? This is S Club 7 and “All In Love Is Fair.”

(Jo and Jon put headphones on and listen to the song)

(The group walks down the street)

Hannah: Come on! Hurry up, otherwise we’ll be late for Joni’s exhibits.
Rachel: Yeah, we do the cloaked Avenger’s wedding at 3pm. Can’t wait see what the cloaked wedding dress looks like.
Tina: I can’t believe Joni’s got the nerve to try and sell her paintings. Already, I mean she’s only been going to that art class for 2 weeks.
Jo: Yeah, I can’t believe we’re not DJ’s anymore. I don’t understand it. Every day at 2 o’clock Jerry would go off and be gone for at least an hour. Why did he have to come back at five past?
Rachel: Yeah. Well, we’ll never know, will we? Best not to think about it.
Paul: Well, the main thing is that we raised the $200 and Wally repaired the building and Joni’s none the wiser.

(They stop and look at the picture of Bradley holding a dog and they laugh)

Hannah: Hmm. It has the certain nieve charm. A primitive appeal that evokes cubism surrealism, and yet, remains defiantly…
Tina: A picture of Brad holding a dog over here.
Hannah: Exactly.
Bradley: This is so embarrassing, I mean, who’s gonna buy this, huh?
Paul: Well, according to the ticket, it’s already been sold.
Bradley: What?
Paul: For $1,000.

(Group laughs)

Joni: Man’s Best Friend. You know, this was the first one to sell. I was gonna spend the money today on rewiring our building because, well, it was a bit of a death trap, but then when I came and looked this morning, I found that somebody had already rewired it. So I think I’m gonna spend all the money on myself. Oh. Gotta go.
Tina: Who the heck pays $1,000 for a picture like that?
Bradley: Come on, Tina. Look. Look. It’s obvious.
Hannah: Yeah, a dog lover.

Episode 13: Goodbye Hollywood

[edit]

(Jon, Jo and Rachel are watching the football on TV)

Tina: Hey! My mum’s just bought my dad a new extension lead for stripper. Now you can really get stuck into that scruffy bit of more grass bar in the shed. Isn’t that great?
Paul: Wow. Epic.

(The TV is switched to the next channel)

Jo: I think we’re getting into a rut here. I mean we’ve been in their life for months now and nothing seems to be happening for us.
Jon: Yeah. I think we need to change.

(They run over to different places before Joni comes in)

Joni: Hi, guys.
All: Hi.
Jo: Erm. How was the insight media course?
Joni: Hmm? What was? All that. No. I didn’t go, didn’t go, I couldn’t. Not since I tried meditating while driving and, oops, rented my car into the ditch.

(Joni sits down on the chair)

Joni: Carla must’ve turned right off. So, place is looking good, by the way.
Paul: Are you alright? You’re not injured. Anything not.
Bradley: Especially like in the brain.
Joni: Oh no. I’m okay. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been more okay and all my life. Especially since I miss the tow truck guy. Yep, loves me a truck.
Rachel: Okay, Joni. What’s his name? What does he do and where does he come from?
Joni: His name is Jeremy who lives in Arizona and he doesn’t just drive a tow truck. He raises snakes for the movies.
Hannah: Wow That’s…weird.
Joni: And that’s not all. We’re getting married!
All: Married?
Joni: Yeah. Isn’t it great? Jim Bob and I were so in love. We’re just gonna sell up and start at this snack ranch in Tucson.
Bradley: Sell up? You can’t do that. What’s gonna happen to us?
Tina: Don’t be selfish, Bradley. Congratulations. That’s amazing news.
Joni: Thanks.
Tina: What is gonna happen to us now?
Tina: I think we should give it one more try.
Jo: Yeah, okay. We should just go straight up to our so-called agent and say “Amish. I think he starts to wrap in.” or “We’re outta there.”
Paul: And then they’ll be begging us to stay.
Tina, Rachel, Bradley and Hannah: Yeah.
Jon: Okay, so I’ll call him and see if he’ll meet us at the cafe.

(Jon sees it with the camera when they are leaving the apartment)

Jon: So this is it. The last day ever in our L.A. apartment which, to be honest, is actually quite sad.
Jo: Well, it’s sad. It’s happy at the same time. It’s like… It’s like when it’s raining and the sun comes out at the same time.
Paul: It’s quite poetic future, Jo. Very impressed.
Jo: It’s good, isn’t it?
Jon: And this is the living room. Been a lot of happy memories here.
[edit]
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