Last Man Standing (season 1)

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Season 1 | Main

Last Man Standing (2011–2021) is an American television sitcom starring Tim Allen as a senior employee of a sporting goods store in Denver, Colorado, who is a married father of three daughters and a grandfather to his oldest daughter's son, Boyd.

Pilot [1.1][edit]

Mike: I'm baaaaack. [drops a large fish on the table]
Vanessa: What am I supposed to do with this?
Mike: You slice it, mouth to anus. You pull everything out. Pretty self-explanatory.

Vanessa: Ah, the boss wants to see me. I am worried. Even though I've been there almost a year, I'm still the new chick.
Mike: That's good. New chick's always hot.

Vanessa: Can you drive Eve to soccer?
Mike: Soccer, that's just Europe's covert war for the hearts and minds of America's kids.
Eve: We're scrimmaging the boys to make us tougher.
Mike: Well, the boys aren't that tough. I've seen them play. Running around, getting hair gel in their eyes, run into the goalpost, and they cry.
Vanessa: Why are you watching the young boys play soccer?
Mike: I'm pretty sure I just explained why.
Kristin: Hey, mom, can you take Boyd to day care? I can't be late to the diner. It's our salute to bacon week, and I am the only person who knows how to work the defibrillator.
Vanessa: I'm running late. Ask your dad.
Kristin: Oh, not dad. Boyd only knows like six words and half of them are "I blame Obamacare". He's a bad influence.
Mike: You know, he's standing right here.
Vanessa: He does his best.
Mike: Literally, I'm standing right here.
Mike: You know who should take Boyd to day care? It's that deadbeat, no-good father of his.
Kristin: Yeah, dad. We've been over this, really. I'm doing fine. I know this might be hard for you to believe because you're so old school, but I do not need a man.
Mike: Well, you got a baby, so you needed a man once.
Kristin: Eww! All right, I will take Boyd to day care, but I just hope my being late does not cause the Great Bacon Riot of 2011.
Mike: I like bacon

Mike: Manly acts are varnishing, that's a fact. What do we do when the aliens invade or the zombies come out of their graves or the machines rise up. Who's going to lead us. [points to Boyd] You!