Last of the Summer Wine
Series 1 (1973)
Of Funerals and Fish
- Nora Batty is placing her laundry out to dry with another lady as two men enter Compo's house below.
- Nora Batty: They're taking his telly again.
- Lady: Oh, is it Tuesday already?
- Compo: Your old lady's dog is crapping all over the pavement.
- Blamire: That's funny. He usually sews it up in little bags and sends it by post.
- Compo: Hey Cyril, give me a fag, I'll give you a sniff of me socks!
- Clegg: This fellow, he picks up this tiny bird in his hands, and carries its quivering little body across this busy junction, and feeds it to his cat. Life's like that: a complex texture of conflicting moralities.
- Vicar: (after getting a cigarette from Clegg) I'm supposed to be stopping, but then, on the other hand, it's hardly fitting for me to be seen trying to live forever, is it?
- Blamire: (referring to Compo) He's still calling for me in broad daylight!
- Clegg: Tell the neighbours he doesn't belong to you, you're just looking after him for somebody.
- Clegg: If God's omnipotent, what could he possibly want with my old woman?
- Compo: Do you reckon I'm in love with Mrs. Batty, or is it just sex?
Hail Smiling Morn or Thereabouts
- Blamire has found his old camera, and has visited a photographic exhibition with Compo. They then find Clegg.
- Blamire: (Fiddling with his camera) You know, I must get a light meter.
- Clegg: I should get a heavy one. You'll pay more, but it'll last longer.
Series 3 (1976)
The Man from Oswestry
- Compo: I thought you'd be open.
- Sid: Well that's a natural assumption if you ignore the drawn blinds and the forty foot sign that says closed.
- Clegg: Why is it, if there's such a shortage of oil, it keeps appearing on my trouser bottom?
- Compo: (referring to Foggy) What's he doing now?
- Clegg: He's doing alright. You get depressed sometimes and begin to believe there aren't any real, old fashioned idiots left, and then, out of the blue, comes a genuine, fourteen carat, gilded barmpot like this!
- Foggy: (referring to Compo) That man has a hole in his trousers!
- Clegg: Yes, it's just his way of showing his individuality.
Series 12 (1990)
Walking Stiff Can Make You Famous
- Clegg: (referring to Foggy) You seem to have changed it from bicycle polo to bicycle water polo!
Series 20 (1999)
What's Happened to Barry's Nose?
- Auntie Wainwright: You're never alone with a megaphone.
- Pearl: Of course I like him.
- Marina: (unseen, through megaphone) Oh, Howard!
- Howard: (unseen, through megaphone) Oh, Marina!
- Pearl: I'll kill him!
Series 21 (2000)
Last Post and Pigeon
Why has Compo's trip to France been cancelled?
- Compo: It's because they're ashamed of me, because I'm scruffy!
- Clegg: I wouldn't say scruffy. (to Truly) Would you say scruffy?
- Truly: ...Yes, I'd say scruffy.
- Clegg: Well, if you're just going to be honest all the time.
- Auntie Wainwright: You look like a lady who appreciates a bargain.
- Ros: I'm no lady, and you haven't got any bargains.
- Auntie Wainwright: Do I know you?
- Ros: At these prices, I think I know you!
Under the Rug
- Compo: "Could this be the missing piece?" he asks himself. "Could this be the thing that works the magic with Nora Batty?"
- Truly: "Could this be a total idiot?" he asks himself.
- Clegg: Close.
Elegy for Fallen Wellies
- Glenda: Something's tormenting you, Barry. You're thinking about life and death, and all the big questions.
- Barry: Who's gonna look after his ferrets?
- Truly: D'you think the dead ever see a sunrise?
- Clegg: Yes, I do, actually.
- Truly: Even those who don't get up very early?
- Clegg: Even them. Maybe that's what Paradise is: a place where the sun doesn't come up until you're ready.
- Truly: You think he was heavenly material, do you?
- Clegg: Certainly. "To be as little children" – that was him.
- Howard: You hear of people dying, it makes you realise you have to fill every moment. Now, I don't get out enough.
- Pearl: Inside! You can fill the coal bucket.
- Howard: But Pearl, love, we have to live like there's no tomorrow.
- Pearl: If you don't get inside, there'll be no tomorrow!
- Howard: One minute we're here, the next minute we're gone.
- Pearl: That's been true of you for years!
Just a Small Funeral
Howard is confined to the house, and looking for a way to escape
- Howard: I wonder if I've got time to change my library book.
- Pearl: Inside, before I change your whole personality!
Michael Bates - Cyril Blamire (Series 1-2)
Bill Owen - William "Compo" Simmonite (Series 1-21)
Peter Sallis - Norman Clegg (Series 1-31)
Brian Wilde - Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst (Series 3-8, 12-18)
Michael Aldridge - Seymour Utterthwaite (Series 9-12)
Frank Thornton - Herbert "Truly" Truelove (Series 19-31)
Keith Clifford - Billy Hardcastle (Series 22-27)
Brian Murphy - Alvin Smedley (Series 24-31)
Burt Kwouk - Entwistle (Series 24-31)
Russ Abbot - Luther "Hobbo" Hobdyke (Series 30-31)
Kathy Staff - Nora Batty (Series 1-22, 24-30)
Jane Freeman - Ivy (Series 1-31)
John Comer - Sid (Series 1-7)
Blake Butler - Mr. Wainwright (Series 1,3)
Rosemary Martin - Mrs. Partridge (Series 1)
Joe Gladwin - Wally Batty (Series 2-9)
Gordon Wharmby - Wesley Pegden (Series 6,8-23)
Jonathan Linsley - "Crusher" Milburn (Series 8-9)
Juliette Kaplan - Pearl Sibshaw (Series 8-31)
Robert Fyfe - Howard Sibshaw (Series 8-31)
Jean Ferguson - Marina (Series 8-31)
Dame Thora Hird - Edie Pegden (Series 9-24)
Mike Grady - Barry Wikinson (Series 9-12, 17-31)
Sarah Thomas - Glenda Wilkinson (Series 9-31)
Danny O'Dea - Eli Duckett (Series 9-23)
Stephen Lewis - Clem "Smiler" Hemmingway (Series 12-28)
Jean Alexander - Auntie Wainright (Series 14-31)
Tom Owen - Tom Simmonite (Series 21-31)
Julie T. Wallace - Mrs. Avery (Series 21-22)
Dora Bryan - Auntie Ros (Series 21-26)
Josephine Tewson - Miss Lucinda Davenport (Series 24-31)
June Whitfield - Nellie (Series 27-31)