Laverne & Shirley
Laverne & Shirley was a situation comedy about two single roommates, Laverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney, living and working in Milwaukee (the show's locale was later moved to Burbank, California). The show aired on ABC from 1976 to 1983.
- 1 Season 1
- 2 Season 2
- 3 Season 3
- 3.1 Airport '59 [3.1]
- 3.2 The Pact [3.3]
- 3.3 Robot Lawsuit [3.4]
- 3.4 Laverne's Arranged Marriage [3.5]
- 3.5 An Affair to Forget, Part 1 (AKA The Cruise, Part 1) [3.6]
- 3.6 An Affair to Forget, Part 2 (AKA The Cruise, Part 2) [3.7]
- 3.7 Laverne and Shirley Meet Fabian [3.8]
- 3.8 Shirley's Operation [3.9]
- 3.9 Take My Plants, Please [3.11]
- 3.10 The Mortician [3.13]
- 3.11 The Horse Show [3.14]
- 3.12 The Slow Child [3.15]
- 3.13 The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show [3.16]
- 3.14 The Dentist [3.17]
- 3.15 The Driving Test [3.19]
- 3.16 The Obstacle Course [3.20]
- 3.17 Debutante Ball [3.21]
- 3.18 The Dance Studio [3.23]
- 3.19 Breakin' Up and Makin' Up [3.24]
- 4 Season 4
- 5 Season 5
- 6 Season 6
- 7 Cast
- 8 External Links
The Society Party (Pilot) [1.1]
- Shirley: Laverne, the only parties we've ever been to are bring-your-own.
- Laverne: I like bringin' my own... that way I know what I'm gettin'.
[After Lenny and Squiggy ask Laverne and Shirley out on a date]
- Shirley: No, thank you. We're going to a formal society dinner.
- Lenny: [Sarcastically] Whoa, pardon me ladies...
- Squiggy: Yeah, I would've worn my tuxedo, but my polo pony ate it.
- Laverne: A Society gentleman would only go out with you for one reason - to have a good time, a few laughs, and a little vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
- Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
- Laverne: You vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
- Shirley: I don't vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
- Laverne: You vo-dee-OH...
- Shirley: Once, and I was going steady a whole year...
- Shirley: [To Fonzie] This is Nana Shotz.
- Fonzie: Hey Nana, life begins at 80, woah!
[Reciting the poem Shirley wrote in her yearbook]
- Laverne: To Laverne, If in heaven we don't meet, hand in hand we'll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.
The Bachelor Party [1.2]
- Shirley: Some day, God willing, I'm gonna be a mother. And if my daughter comes to me and says, "Mama, I want to go to this bachelor party and come outta this cake"... what can I tell her?
- Laverne: A lot more than most mothers!
Bowling for Raspberries [1.3]
- Laverne: Shirl, believe me, I'm not sick, and there's nothing in this place that will make me sick.
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Shirley: Those pills do not make her perky, they make her jerky!
A Nun's Story [1.4]
- Anna: [Coming out of Laverne & Shirley's bathroom after taking a quick shower] Laverne!!!!
- Laverne: [Runs up to Anna and gives her a big hug and starts looking at her] Nutsy!!!! Oh you look terrific! Hey remember this one! [Doing her Filmore High School chant] Filmore High we wish you well! If you don't like it go to...
- Shirley: [Jumps in to stop Laverne from saying hell in front of Anna] Heck! Heck! Heck!
- Anna: Yeah I remember that one!
- Laverne: I bet in Chicago there's alot in the old vo-dee-oh-doh-doh.
- Shirley: Vo-dee-oh-doh-doh!
- Carmine: [Doing his Filmore High School chant] California orange, Texas cactus, we play your team just for practice!
- Shirley: She went to Chicago and became a nun. I stayed in Milwaukee and became a bimbo.
- Laverne: You're no bimbo, Shirl.
- Shirley: Yes, I am. Compared to her, I'm a bimbo.
- Laverne: She's a nun. Compared to her, Eleanor Roosevelt's a bimbo.
Dog Day Blind Dates [1.6]
- Shirley: I'll be as loose as I ever am on a first date. A little of this, a little of that, but no petting.
Once Upon a Rumor [1.7]
- Squiggy: [To Shirley] What do you say we go to the drive-in, and you let me run amuck?
- Laverne: He probably heard what a fun date you are.
- Shirley: I know I'm fun...
- Squiggy: You people make me stink!
- Lenny: I saw it with my own two eyes. I had to choke back a blush!
- Shirley: It's different for you. You don't have a reputation to protect.
- Squiggy: What are you talking about, Shirley? For the first time in my life, I got a reputation!
- Laverne: It just doesn't seem fair. A guy with a reputation is a hero. A girl with a reputation is a bimbo It just doesn't seem fair.
- Shirley: Well, who knows, maybe a hundred years from now all that will have changed.
- Laverne: Yeah, wouldn't it be great if no one cared about your reputation? Think of all the fun you could have!
Dating Slump [1.9]
- Laverne: Touch my "L," sweetie, and your teeth go to Peoria!
Mother Knows Worst [1.15]
- Mrs. Feeney: Now tell me, what do you girls like to do on a Saturday night?
- Laverne: At home or in a car?
Drive! She Said [2.1]
- Squiggy: Lenny and I have two very respectful women upstairs, and we'd like to settle down to a nice, quiet orgy.
[In response to the girls' screaming]
- Squiggy: Stop it, I'm going to lose my lust!
Excuse Me, May I Cut In? [2.4]
- Laverne: What would you have to do if we wanted a color TV?
- Shirley: We don't do those things.
- Richie: Well, maybe we should do something again sometime.
- Shirley: Anything but murder, mister.
Bridal Shower [2.5]
- Squiggy:[To Lenny] What are you doing?!? When I'm talking to girls, don't stick your fingers in your mouth!
- Big Rosie:[To Shirley] She drowned my fox!! (after Laverne dumps her stole in the punch-bowl)
Look Before You Leap [2.6]
- Lenny: Me and Squiggy was talking and we decided that your kid oughta have a last name.
- Laverne: Huh?
- Lenny: On account of, if he don't, the poor little guy's never gonna get any mail.
[After learning that Laverne might be pregnant]
- Lenny: So, me and Squiggy flipped a coin to see which one of us was gonna volunteer to be your husband.
- Laverne: Awwww, and you lost, huh?
- Lenny: No, I won.
- Lenny: Now, Kosnowski's a pretty good last name Laverne. I had it practically all my life. My grandfather told me it means 'Help, there's a hog in my kitchen!'.
- Lenny: I'm gonna make a good living. Plus, I'll practically never hit you or nothin'...
Call Me a Taxi [2.15]
[After Rosie offers the girls money]
- Laverne: No thank you. I'd rather sell my body to science.
- Rosie: Who else would buy it, DeFazio?
- Shirley: What kind of guys give girls dimes to dance?
- Laverne: Guys with small change.
- Squiggy: [To Shirley, after seeing her stuffed chest] Look at you! You're all... swelled up! What do you, got the mumps?
Steppin' Out [2.16]
[After hearing Rosie Greenbaum's voice behind her]
- Laverne: I know that voice, and I hate the person it's attached to!
[Reciting a jingle]
- Shirley: Hair all grungy, full of goo, shake and brush out, Quicky Poo!
- Shirley: We're suing that company! We're suing Quicky Poo, we're suing the cleaners, and we're suing Kukla, Fran and Ollie!
- Laverne: Sue Kukla and Fran, but not Ollie.
- Shirley: I'm shaving my legs. This ugly stubble is showing through my nylons.
- Laverne: Ugly stubble, huh? That's what holds my nylons up!
[ After Shirley gives her free nylons she got at gas station]
- Laverne: You got nylons? All I got was a glow-in-the-dark snow scraper.
[After the water pressure is turned off, and Shirley needs to rinse her hair]
- Laverne: Where am I going to get water?
- Shirley: I don't know, just get me some water from SOME place!
- [Laverne looks towards the toilet and smiles]
- Shirley: [Pops her head out the shower] Don't even think about it.
- Shirley: My scalp is all itchy, I feel like I have athlete's head!
[Upon seeing Shirley drying her hair in the oven]
- Squiggy: Oh my God, she's cooking herself to death!
- Lenny: Hey don't kill yourself Shirl, They'll be other fires!
- Lenny and Squiggy: [In unison] Fire, fire, fire, someone get the net! Here come the firemen, to get the fire wet! SHHH goes the hose and DING goes the bell....
[After finding her Ten Commandments charm bracelet]
- Shirley: Darn it! Thou Shall Not Kill is missing! I can't wear THIS!
Hi, Neighbor Book 2 [2.19]
- Shirley: We won't go out with just any old creep!
- Laverne: Yeah, only those who ask us!
- Squiggy: (Calling from the dumbwaiter) Laverne, Shirley!
- Laverne/Shirley: What?
- Squiggy: Come on up here, Lenny just swallowed his comb!
- Laverne/Shirley: OK!
[A few seconds later when Laverne and Shirley came up to Lenny & Squiggy's apartment turned Lenny upside down to make him cough the comb out]
- Laverne: Squiggy, Come over here and grab his Tounge!
- Squiggy: What are you doing? He didn't swallow no comb! That was a gimmick to get you up here! Sheesh!
- Laverne: A gimmick? [Laverne and Shirley dropped Lenny down as she talked to Squiggy] What was the big deal here? Uh choking on a comb? How you like to choke on one my curlers!
[Upon seeing the folded napkins on their restaurant table]
- Lenny: They gave us... little hats!
[After Shirley pulls the vacuum out of Laverne's mouth]
- Laverne: Are my tonsil's still there?
- Shirley:[Looks inside of Laverne's mouth] Oh yeah, you still got em. You also got the world's biggest hicky on your mouth.
- Shirley: Excuse me. But how do you say meatloaf in french?
- Waiter: (rolling eyes) You Don't.
- The gang searches for it on the menu: Youdon't...Youdon't.
- Squiggy: Oh, look at that wine! It's white, just like Barbara...
[After finding out that she was eating cow brain]
- Laverne: Hey, Len, I'll trade you a brain for a chop.
- Lenny: Now what am I going to do with a brain?
[As he gives Shirley one of his lobster claws]
- Squiggy: Here, why don't you just suck on a wing, huh?
- Laverne/Shirley: I solemnly swear that I will never tell another living sole that I went out on a date with Lenny & Squiggy.
Citizen Krane [2.23]
- Shirley: Charles Pfister Krane has a reputation!
- Squiggy: So does my sister.
Airport '59 [3.1]
- Shirley: Laverne, I'm telling you, flying is safer than driving! Nobody has ever crashed into a cloud!
- Laverne: Yeah, well nobody ever fell 40,000 feet from a DeSoto either.
- Shirley: Does anybody have any hobbies they'd like to share with us? stamp collecting? coin collecting? Flying large aircraft?
The Pact [3.3]
- Lenny: Boy, am I going to dream about her tonight!
- Squiggy: Just don't make those gurgley sounds...
Robot Lawsuit [3.4]
- Laverne: This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen!
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Lawyer: Could you plese state your name for the court?
- Shirley: Shirley Feeney.
- Lawyer: Your... full name please?
- Shirley: Shirley... Wilhelmena Feeney.
- Jury: (Jury laughs)
- Shirley: Hey, Hey Hey! That's the name of her dead grandmother!!
- Shirley: (Looks accusingly at the Jury) ... Not so funny now is it??!!
- Laverne: My neck moved!!
- Lenny: No, it didn't, it's right under your head.
- Judge: This is the third time they've been in this week!
- Lenny: This is really good though! He's got internal bleeding, check his pockets!
Laverne's Arranged Marriage [3.5]
- Shirley: You marry a man with a square head, no neck, and hair on his thumbs, you know what your kids are gonna turn out like?
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Shirley: Laverne, you can't marry a man you don't Love! ... Something bad will happen... you'll grow restless.... .... You'll start calling the milkman Joe!
An Affair to Forget, Part 1 (AKA The Cruise, Part 1) [3.6]
- Edna: Well, where you're going is nice too.
- Shirley: Yes... Detroit is lovely this time of year.
- Laverne: If you ever lay your hands on our money again, I'll tell everyone you never vo-de-oh-doh-doh-ed!
- Lenny: Oh yeah? I got witnesses!
- Shirley: Uniforms? To sell shoes?
- Laverne: Well, I love uniforms!
- Shirley: You're thinking of sailors.
- Laverne: I'm always thinking of sailors.
- Ensign Benson: Is anybody sitting here?
- Shirley: Nobody but you, mister.
- Shirley: A man with peanut butter beckons and off you go?!
An Affair to Forget, Part 2 (AKA The Cruise, Part 2) [3.7]
- Lenny: Shirl, you are a saint.
- Squiggy: She's better than a saint, she's a... pope.
Laverne and Shirley Meet Fabian [3.8]
- Laverne: Go get some blankets from the bedroom.
- Lenny & Squiggy: [Excitedly] Bedroom!!
- Laverne: C'mon guys, I gotta get her out of these wet clothes.
- Squiggy: Okay, start with the shirt and do it slow...
- Rosie: What do you know about fixing Cadillacs?
- Lenny: Listen, what I don't know about cars you could fit in a manual.
- Rosie: Come off of it, Shirley. Famous people do not dine with bimbos.
- Laverne: Why not? You told me the mayor dined with you.
Shirley's Operation [3.9]
- Shirley: The mad hatter did not wear fishnet stockings!
- Laverne: Well, that's why he didn't get any action!
- Edna: [To Frank] Quit complaining, you could look a lot worse.
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Shirley: [After learning that she might be having her appendix removed] I promised myself I'd remain intact until my wedding night, if you know what I mean...
- Laverne: Shirl, guys don't care if you lose your appendix!
- Doctor: I need to get something before I can leave here.
- Laverne: You got it!
- [Laverne plants a big kiss on his lips.]
- Doctor: Wow, that was nice. But what I really needed was...
- Laverne: [Interrupting] Now? In front of these people?
- Laverne: Shirl? Shirl are you awake?
- Shirley: [Hallucinated after the operation] Am I in heaven?
- Laverne: No no! You're in the hospital. It's all over, you made it.
- Shirley: Really?!! I'm okay?!! I can't believe it I...[Feels her head and starts freaking out] I'M NOT OKAY! I'M BALD!
[Shirley wakes up in her hospital bed after Laverne was asked out by her doctor]
- Shirley: By all rights, that should have been MY date.
Take My Plants, Please [3.11]
- Laverne: [Explaining why the Braves' losing streak led to them being laid off] Let me explain it to you again. If the Braves don't play so good, then people don't go to games. If people don't go to games, then Shotz can't sell them beer. Do you got that?
- Shirley: Then why don't they just lay off the Braves?
- Shirley: I hate to go down to unemployment. It's embarrassing down there. Everybody down there knows you don't have a job.
- Laverne: We'll have fun down at unemployment. We'll meet guys.
- Shirley: Unemployed guys.
- Laverne: I happened to meet a doctor there once.
- Shirley: I want you to think about that for a minute, Laverne. Why would a doctor be unemployed, hmmm?
- Laverne: He was so good... he cured everybody.
- Shirley: There is nothing more despicable to me than this place.
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Squiggy: Lenny and me is working on the world's first combination electric toothbrush and radio. We call it the radio-brush. You'll be able to dance away your tooth decay!
- Lenny: People are going to finally start brushing their teeth once a week like they ought to!
- Shirley: This may come as a shock to you, but I brush my teeth after every meal.
- Lenny: That's poor oral hygiene, Shirl. You're gonna wear them right down to the nub.
- Squiggy: Go ahead and laugh. Just like they laughed at Columbus right before he discovered Ohio.
- Shirley: Those boys have got the right idea. We should try making money at what we really love to do.
- Laverne: I think we'd get arrested for that, Shirl.
- Squiggy: What's with all the tropical flora?
- Lenny: Didn't you used to go out with her?
- Squiggy: No, that was Theresa DeFluca
- Shirley: Do you know what? Girls love plants.
- Squiggy: What do you do, you wait for them to lie down, and then kind of rub it all over their bodies?
- Laverne: How about you, Len? You like girls, too, huh?
- Lenny: Sure. Hey, if I get a bigger plant then him, will I get bigger women?
- Laverne: I'll be the foreigner. Herbie Shoole once said I looked French.
- Shirley: Herbie Shoole said you kissed French.
The Mortician [3.13]
- Stan: Remember - ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you're going to be cremated, an urn is a must.
- Laverne: I like poetry!
- Squiggy: We woulda been here on time, but we was late.
- Laverne: Boy! Did everything go good tonight! I can't wait to see him tomorrow night!
- Shirley: You actually followed him home?
- Laverne: Oh, well, he didn't go home. He went to his place of business.
- Shirley: He's a business man? He has his own business?
- Laverne: Yeah!
- Shirley: What does he do?
- Laverne: He's a mortician.
- Shirley: Ewwwwww!
- Laverne: Well somebody's gotta do it!
- Shirley: Yes, but WE don't have to know them!
- Laverne: Yeah we do! Yeah we do!
- Laverne: Do you remember Alan Steckler??
- Shirley: Please don't do this.
- Laverne: Alan Steckler, a guy who chewed his socks? Do you know what it's like kissing a guy who chews his socks? It's like making out with a hamper.
- Shirley: I'm telling you Laverne, this whole thing is sick and morbid.
- Squiggy: [Crying] Hello!
- Shirley: Not now guys! I don't have the time.
- Lenny: [Crying] She doesn't have the time!
- Shirley: Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
- Laverne: Another poem.
The Horse Show [3.14]
- Laverne: What'd you have to do to him? [Carmine]
- Shirley: Nothin'. Some guys are just natural gentlemen.
- [Lenny and Squiggy burst through the door.]
The Slow Child [3.15]
- Shirley: Alright, I'll just have to figure out some other way to keep people warm during the party, let me see... blankets, blankets would be good...
- Laverne: Oh, I like blankets, then we can all get under 'em!
- Lenny: [After he and Amy kiss] I liked the part when you said 'whisper'!
- Laverne: Squiggy, do you know the Purple Fiends?
- Squiggy: Know them? They beat me up three times!
The Second Almost Annual Shotz Talent Show [3.16]
- Squiggy: This song is called "Night After Night," and it's about two nights in a row.
The Dentist [3.17]
[After Lenny's baby teeth are offered up to help Laverne's dental problem]
- Squiggy: He loved those baby teeth! As if they was his own!
The Driving Test [3.19]
[Laverne is helping Squiggy practice for his written driver's test.]
- Laverne: Squiggy, true or false...
- Squiggy: True!
- Laverne: I didn't ask the question yet!
- Squiggy: Yes, you did. You said, "Squiggy, true or false?" I'm Squiggy, that would be true.
[After Squiggy walks in on Laverne washing the floors with her feet]
- Squiggy: You wash your feet in the living room too?!?!!
- Squiggy: [Telling Laverne, Shirley, Frank and Carmine] You're right! I ain't gonna pass that test. And you know why? I'll tell you why, Because my driving carrier is over I AM FINISHED! [Leaving Laverne & Shirley's apartment] I'm not gonna pass it for one simple reason! Because I'm JUST...TOO...DUMB! [Slams the door]
- Squiggy: [Referring to a bowl of mushy food] It's brown now, that means it was yellow once! Would you like some Shirley... I always eat something when I'm nervous
- Shirley: [Swallowing hard and placing hand on her chest to hider her disgust] No, thanks, I'm fasting... religious reasons.
- Lenny: You know girls, between us, Squiggy's not as smart as he looks...
- Laverne: Aww, he's gotta be...
- Squiggy: [Hugging Lenny] Alright Lenn, I'll take that stupid drivers test! And I'll pass it too! But not for me...FOR MY BEST FRIEND! I'll just have to fall apart some other time.
- Lenny: [Chocking] Squig you're chocking me to death!
- Lenny: [Reading Squiggy's driving test grade out loud] Your test score was........73! A passing grade!
- Laverne/Shirley: YOU'VE PASSED?!?
- Lenny: YOU PASSED! SQUIGGY YOU DID IT YOU PASSED!!!
[Laverne, Shirley and Lenny cheering for squiggy]
- Squiggy: [Smiling] I pass I pass.
- Lenny: Yeah I knew you could.
- Squiggy: Aw you jerk.
- Laverne: [Reading Squiggy's little black book about Shirley] Shirley Feeney, Must be carefull with this one. [Shirley smiles and leaves Lenny & Squiggy's Apartment] Wants to marry me and have my baby.
- Shirley: [Screams]
- Laverne: [Laughing] Miss Shirley Squigman and the squiglett!
The Obstacle Course [3.20]
[Discussing Shirley's interest in the Ladies Auxiliary Milwaukee Police, a.k.a. "LAMP"]
- Laverne: [To Shirley] You're too little to be a LAMP. Maybe you could be a nightlight...
- Laverne: You're nothing but a yellow-bellied cream puff!
- Shirley: Cream puff?! Cream puff?! I'll have you know that cream puffs don't have bellies!
- Squiggy: What I don't have in strength, I make up for in what I lack up here! [Points to head]
Debutante Ball [3.21]
- Lenny: My family may have left Poland in disgrace, but some day we'll return the same way!
- Lenny: [To Laverne] You're pretty, and you're smart, and you happen to be the classiest girl I know.
- Lenny: No need to bow, a simple curtsy will do.
- Woman: In my country, I'd have your head!
- Lenny: You'd look pretty stupid with my head!
The Dance Studio [3.23]
- Laverne: I've got better things to do than spend my time in the kitchen!
- Shirley: Oh yeah? Well answer me this - how do you intend on keeping a husband happy, hmmm?
- [Laverne smiles suggestively]
- Shirley: Well I hear that gives them quite the appetite!
[As Shirley cleans up Carmine's cuts]
- Carmine: Ow, don't touch me! [Pauses] That's funny, that's what you usually say!
[Laverne goes to get the bible, where they keep the money, in order to float Carmine a loan.]
- Laverne: Okay, Carmine, how much do you need?
- Carmine: Five thousand bucks.
- Laverne: [Flipping through the bible] Five thou-
- [Laverne stops flipping the pages, closes the bible, and bows her head]
- Laverne: Let us pray.
- Carmine: No, no, you don't understand - I only need a wife for one night.
- Shirley: Get out.
- Carmine: No, no, no, it's for the money.
- Laverne: Then why don't you just call Ready Betty Wazaluski?
- Shirley: Both of you, get out of here!
- Shirley: [To Laverne] Boy, you just stepped straight off the bus right into Filth Town, didn't you?
Breakin' Up and Makin' Up [3.24]
[While watching a pageant on TV]
- Squiggy: Ooh, the swimsuit competition! I'm gonna turn down the sound so we can see it better!
- Squiggy: Alright, so maybe we are pickleheads! BUT WE'RE THE BEST DAMN PICKLEHEADS IN THE STATE OF MILWAUKEE!
- Shirley: [Stuck in a dress] Somebody get this dress off me!
- [Lenny & Squiggy barge through the front door.]
- Squiggy: This looks like a job for a couple of pickleheads!
Playing the Roxy [4.3]
- Shirley: I treat my body like a temple, Laverne. You choose to treat yours like an amusement park.
The Quiz Show [4.5]
- Laverne: [Referring to a fur coat] This is the second best thing I've ever felt!
A Date With Eraserhead [4.7]
- Laverne: [After seeing the guys gawk over a hot girl] Now I know who God gave the rest of my body to...
Dinner For Four [4.12]
- Woman: [Speaking about Laverne and Shirley] You know the old saying - girls without looks make the best cooks.
- Lenny: If you cut us, do we not bleed? If you slap us, do we not swell up? If you spit on us, do we not get wet?
- Squiggy: The answer to all these questions is yes.
[After Shirley expresses disapproval over Laverne's proposed skimpy kitchen-attire]
- Laverne: Well, it could get hot in their kitchen.
- Shirley: Not if you don't take this it won't.
- Laverne: We've got a date with a couple of veterinarians.
- Squiggy: Never trust men who don't eat meat. There's something fishy about them.
- Shirley: Nobody wants anything that's been chewed up and spit out.
- Squiggy: Hello!
Lenny's Crush [4.18]
- Laverne: Aren't you gonna help me clean up this mess?
- Shirley: I can't...I'M TOO CRANKY
- Laverne: You know that special feeling a guy gets for a girl?
- Lenny: Yeah... I got that for you.
- Squiggy: [To his date] Keep drinking, it'll make it easier...
- Shirley: Don't be stupid! No man has EVER had a good time with me...
- Lenny: [Reading his note to Laverne while he sits on her legs] Shut up, sit down, listen to me! It took me a long time to work out what I had to say so be quiet until i'm finished! You lied to me, you hurt my feelings, you got me punched out, and you got mustard on my best jacket!
- Laverne: Is that it?
- Lenny: Yeah! Unless you could think of something?
- Laverne Get off my legs okay.
- Lenny: [Gets off of Laverne's legs and gives her the note] What do you think?
- Laverne: [Looks at the note] You spelled mustard wrong.
- Lenny: [Looks at the note with Laverne] Too many O's, huh?
Squiggy in Love [4.20]
- Carmine: Love is blind.
- Shirley: Yes, but deaf, dumb, and unable to smell?
Upstairs, Downstairs [5.4]
- Lenny: And remember - it's your hell, please keep it clean.
- Shirley: Just think, Laverne. We get to spend eternity surrounded by the good and the pure!
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Shirley: I demand to speak to the vile and loathsome creature that runs this wicked inferno!
- Squiggy: Hello!
- 'Laverne: Shirl, where you gonna find a pair of pants big enough to fit over that big ol’ fat thing? [About Shirley's Hubba Hubba Hiney]
- Shirley: Can I borrow one of yours?
The Beatnik Show [5.16]
- Laverne: [Reciting the poem she wrote about Shirley, titled "My Friend"] My best friend is Shirley Feeney, the best in all the land. Whenever we're in trouble, we face it hand in hand. We laugh when we are happy, we cry when we are sad. We talk when we are lonely, just to know her makes me glad. If I had one wish in life, I know what it would be. I'd have Shirl as my best friend, for all eternity.
Murder on the Moosejaw Express, Part 2 [5.21]
- Laverne: Lord, I swear, I'll never do another bad thing if you just send me some help.
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Laverne: Okay the deal's off!
[Laverne is holding a film canister.]
- Laverne: The bald man may get me, but he ain't gonna get this! I know what to do!
- [Walks purposefully into the bathroom, we hear the toilet flush.]
- Laverne: Okay, now that's done. Now what am I going to do with this? [Pulls out film canister again]
[Laverne is trying to think like a killer.]
- Laverne: I'm a bald killer. I follow two dames into the dining car. One is a knockout - a long-legged beauty whose tall, senseless body makes me forget my miserable childhood. And with her... a friend. I follow the girls back to their compartment - if only the pretty one was there alone. But no such luck. The stump is in there with her.
- Winnie: Mind if I join you?
- Shirley: [disguised as an old man] Why, am I coming apart?
The Dating Game [6.6]
- Host (Jim Lange): Bachelor #3, would you please say hello to Monique?
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Monique: Bachelor #2, what kind of vegetable would you be?
- Lenny: I would be a sauerkraut. It was my only toy as a child.
- Lenny: I think I move her.
- Squiggy: Nah, she's still there.
- Squiggy: [To Monique] Go out with me, and thou gets toast!
- Monique: Bachelor #3, if you could invent a machine to make me fall in love with you, what would it be?
- Squiggy: A lawnmower.
- Monique: What's the most romantic word you can think of?
- Lenny: Lint.
- Monique: Lint??
- Lenny: Have you never been in love?
- Host: Hang on to your enchiladas, because Andrew, you and your date are headed south of the border to the spicy city of... Acapulco!
- Squiggy: Ahhhhh!
- Lenny: We're going to France!!
The Road to Burbank [6.8]
- Lenny: Ahhhh, sleep. Nature's way of saying... lie down.
- Laverne: Oh, Shirl, this is a dream come true. An entire night with Lenny in a dark, sleazy motel room.
- Rhonda: I have to get ready for my dates.
- Shirley: Dates?
- Rhonda: You know, a man picks you up, spends money on you? You must have seen this on television…
- 'Lenny: Well, Laverne Kosnowski. I guess tonight’s the night we finally constipate our marriage… in the biblical sense.
- Hotel Manager: If you don’t pay up in one week… [snaps cob of corn in half]
- Squiggy: You'll break our corn??
- Lenny: You’ve seen Laverne peddling around this apartment in her Frederick’s of Hollywood negligence!
- Squiggy: If that ain’t the whole truth… then may Edna’s coffee be poisoned!
- Squiggy: Champagne? Why that’s the devil’s vodka!
- Lenny': Hey girls - how about a little TV and Bosco before we retire?
Born Too Late [6.9]
- Lenny: I really wish we’d lived back when nobody talked. We’d never run out of things to say.
- Edna: [Referring to ribs] Just the way the customers like them… lean and greasy.
- Squiggy: Hello!
- Shirley: You mean to tell me that the ball in a ball game is made from a pony?!?
- Shirley: I'll go to this ball game... but I'll be rooting for the ball!
- Squiggy: Of course, a silent movie! That’s why we’s never heard of them!
- Lenny: Here. Sorry I broke your lettuce.
- Penny Marshall - Laverne DeFazio
- Cindy Williams - Shirley Feeney
- Michael McKean - Lenny Kosnowski
- David Lander - Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman
- Eddie Mekka - Carmine Ragusa
- Phil Foster - Frank DeFazio
- Betty Garrett - Edna Babish